Scene Thirty-Five
Jo finally made her decision about her future as she drove down from her cottage up to London on Monday November 24th 2002. The past weekend was emblazoned in her mental diary, the one where she had finally fallen head over heels in love with her girlfriend Mel. Now she looked back, she could see how for some while, she had increasingly felt strangely and impulsively schoolgirlish in the way that she spent more and more of her time running about with Mel. She felt a little bleary eyed because over the weekend, she had only stayed at her home for the segments of time on Saturday when she devoted herself to her case in hand that would run into the second day on Monday and she did the bare minimum of housework. The rest of her time, she'd been ensconced with Mel. A wide grin spread across her face as she boldly replaced the maidenly modesty of her last words and considered that it would be more accurate to say that they'd spent the majority of their time fucking each other in every conceivable acrobatic pose imaginable, tasting every inch of each other's skin and pleasuring each other in an uninhibited fashion. It had exposed her past sexual experiences as being unbelievably Victorian and prudish. She thought of herself as having a girlfriend, a smile of pleasure remained on her face as she savoured the wicked, daring word. They'd only broken off for something to eat at the tea room and to jam around on Mel's guitars, having fun and singing songs. Everything they did together made her feel young again. She was sure that she really loved Mel and cared about her, wanted to be part of her world and had succeeded in doing so. She blessed the opportunity offered to her in doing what she should have done when she was in her teens, only she was then too shy and nervous. Her life felt now so spectacularly different and she approached the next week at work, her nervous system feeling that immeasurably tranquil, comfortable cotton wool sensation that all was right with her world.
It even meant that she was comfortable enough to be able to finally tell John that their relationship was over, kaput, finito, to borrow some of Mel's colourful slang she realised that she'd never dared to take a long good hard look at herself so that her thoughts had been churning around in a state of confusion that she couldn't begin to describe or name. She'd thought that she returned to London from a spell in working up north, she'd be able to view her life with a new perspective but she'd found that there were subtle changes in John and that disoriented her. Ultimately, she knew now that what she really thought she was doing was to carry on her life in the same old way as before. It was Helen and Nikki, of all people who had sought to gently urge them back together right after Helen's trial verdict. Because these two perceptive women thought that this was what she and John needed, she had mentally gone along with it on the surface but her one reservation to take her relationship with John slowly seemed a reasonable precaution to get things right this time in view of their past track record. In retrospect, it was a form of buying herself time for her to work out in her head what she really wanted out of life. She could see now that she'd declined offers to go to 'Chix' after Nikki's successful reappeal and again after Sally Anne Howe's compensation claim for what she had thought were very good practical reasons while George went there and met Alice. She could even remember being vaguely jealous of George's good fortune but, of course, she couldn't own up to it. Now she knew that she'd been afraid of what or who she'd find there. It was all so absurdly simple. She had also told John in the past that she could never live with him because of his philandering ways. He'd taken her by surprise by changing the rules of the game, of their fraught relationship they'd had in the past. Everything around her had sought to confuse her, to make her wonder where she was placed in life. It was only when her close friendship with Mel trurned into something else when she finally sorted through the infernally complicated jigsaw puzzle that was her life.
Travelling up to London didn't let these angular sharp edges of reality depress her too much as she perceived them through a softly tinted golden glow of positivity. She did make the good resolution to keep up her standards in her court cases. After all, that was her livelihood. As she started to tentatively sketch out her future, she started to speculate about the critical reality of informing John of her decision. It shouldn't be too much of a trouble, on the face of it as she was only following first George's and then Karen's example in how to lead her life. The trouble was that she'd recently had some unaccountable row with Nikki, Helen, George and John. It occurred to her that her public 'coming out' might not be as easy as for the others as public opinion would be ranged against her her and would support John, especially George. A flash of irritation ran through her as it seemed that John had very cleverly enlisted the lesbian community in his support, and she resented it. It made her feel all the more determined to obey the promptings of her heart. When she thought about it, this was the guiding principle of the way she operated in her career, her legal training being only the techniques necessary with which to operate. Hadn't she taken on Nikki's reappeal and, together with George, her defence of Helen against the outrageous tyranny of the Official Secrets Act? She ought to at least get some recognition for her efforts.
As soon as she came to her office, her secretary fetched her a cup of strong black coffee which she accepted gratefully, this being a recent habit of hers and it did help to perk her up a bit for the day. She immediately got her mind focussed on the court case in hand and dredged up the thinking and work she'd done on Saturday and tried to banish the rather ravishing thoughts of her scantily dressed girlfriend as she'd last seen found the dry details of the trial file swim a bit before her eyes but she gulped down the rest of the coffee, arranged her makeup, gave brief instructions to her secretary on other cases that were pending. She was halfway out of the door when she realised that she'd left her trial notes on her desk. She scooped them in with one swift movement and bolted out the door, leaving her secretary to gaze thoughtfully after her.
A couple of hours later on, she was enmeshed in the cut and thrust of the trial and Jo noticed resentfully that George was as fresh as a daisy with cool and perfect self control and, to Jo's intense annoyance, managed to chew up Jo's final defence witness in her cross-examination by picking on the holes that Jo's examination had left exposed. George felt on top of the world, having spent a lazy weekend making gentle love with Alice and generally making up after the shattering revelations about Becky on Friday night . Definitely, Alice was a superb woman to 'make up' with and to and didn't rush matters in that direction, George decided very smugly, looking like the cat that has gorged herself on the cream.
"In fact Mr Simpson," George concluded sarcastically, "I put it to you that when you claim to have witnessed my client's brother break into the house of the deceased through the front door, your description of the incident is flagrently self contradictory, vague to the point of nothingness considering your admission of the absence of street lighting at the time and date evidence, Mr Simpson, is not worth the air it is breathed upon."
"I must protest, My Lord, the defence barrister is attempting to badger and intimidate the witness," Jo shouted, red with anger as the bulkily built man wearing a cheap suit fidgeted uncomfortably under George's final stinging retort. "I request that this last comment is struck from the record."
"Mrs Mills, you know as well as I do that Mrs Channing is asking a perfectly proper question though it is straying in the direction of part of a closing speech. I shall allow the question."
"You're taking a personally vindictive attitude towards my client," burst out Jo as she saw her case slipping out of her hands.
"Mrs Mills, I have ruled on this point. Any further outbursts and you will be held in contempt," John pronounced sternly. He had been considering Jo's performance during this trial and wondered how come she was well below par, that she was deficient in her accustomed sharpness and lightning quick reasoning powers, causing her to overreact angrily. George, by contrast, had done her homework, mapped out the terrain of the trial, organised her arguments with tight precision and had kept cool and , he senses a personal dimension underlaying Jo's angry criticisms.
"I hold you in total contempt for the way you're behaving," muttered Jo. John pretended not to hear that last comment. George had been expected to grin at coming out on top in this debate but she started wondering if there was more to Jo's behaviour than her having an 'off day.'
"Is that your last witness, Mrs Mills? If so I shall call upon Mrs Channing to make her closing address."
After the accused had been taken down to the cell duly convicted, John retired to his chambers and immediately passed word to Jo Mills that he would like to see her in his chambers. Red with anger, Jo took up the offer. It might as well be now as later, she thought in more sense than one.
John lay back on his settee when he heard the rapidly clicking sounds heralding Jo's impending arrival and a peremptory rat tat on the door and there she was. Coope took one look and made a tactful exit. John waved to Jo to take her place in the armchair opposite as she always had done.
"I prefer to stand John. For what reason have you called me here?" came the tension-ridden reply. John picked up on her manner straightaway and opted to deal with straightforward business.
"I wanted to ask you why the tension in court these days? Something hasn't felt right from the start of this trial from the way that we are at each other's throats."
"I must apologise," Jo said in a tight tone of voice. "I must brush up on the formalities of court. Sometimes, it's too easy to make assumptions about those you know best and behave that way without thinking."
This made John sit up and take wasn't sure they were on the same wavelength. He decided to cut his way through any ambiguities.
"I'm not sure we're talking about the same thing. Sometimes you rub people up the wrong way. There's Nikki at the Howard League of Penal Reform not to say Helen. I had a quiet word with her and I know."
"All right. I put my foot in it and it's felt as if I've trodden on a man trap and can't get my foot free. There you are, I'm sorry," Jo said a second, she looked around dazedly to hear the implications of what she was saying.
"You know you need to apologise to Nikki and Helen. If you'd done so, you'd have told me," John cut back in level quiet tones. Damn the man, Jo felt. He knows me too well." Then there's another thing. You look as if you're burning the candle at both ends. I don't know about your private life as I increasingly see less and less of it but you look tired out and it shows in court. George ran rings round you and she has her own commitments whereas Tom and Mark are at university now."
The blue flash in Jo's eyes and a quiver in her outstretched right hand prompted John to consider that he was perhaps pressing her too far. He had the curious feeling that, without knowing it, he was really probing at Jo to reveal what was really on her mind. He also suspected what was about to happen.
"Give me a drink," Jo said abruptly and John waved to the side where, often enough, she had drunk his whisky. Jo veered abruptly to the bottles and glasses set out, poured a large measure of whisky, downed it in one gulp and turned to face John.
"There's something else I want to tell you, John. It's about our relationship. The more I've got to know you, the more I've got the feeling that we're headed nowhere. I want to take a new direction with my life and I've increasingly come to feel that while I value our friendship as fellow professionals and I respect you, the bond that once kept us close just isn't there anymore. I've been thinking about this for some time now. ...I want you to know that I think that you are a thoroughly admirable human being...we have to move our separate ways, emotionally speaking. I'm sorry, John but there it is."
A curious feeling of unreality came over John. This had never happened to him before where a woman unilaterally finished a relationship. His series of infidelities when he was with George had strained their marriage to the limits. Jo's return on the scene stemmed with wanting some form of comfort when her own husband was dying and his marriage finished very explosively. After Jo had become pregnant by John and he drove her to the abortion clinic, the emotional fallout caused both to back off. Since then, his one night stands were on his terms and Jo had only occasionally slept with him since then and, for some wierd reason, regretted it the next day. This was the first time he'd tried to do the decent thing with a woman and now this happened. All this flashed through John's mind like a kaleidoscope so only a second later, a couple of questions popped itself into his mind.
"Do I get a say in all this? You've obviously thought it out. It's a shame that I've been left out of the thinking processes," John said mildly, the words touching the wrong buttons with Jo.
"No you don't. You'd only put obstacles in the way," Jo said shortly, avoiding looking at John.
"Is there any other man in your life?"
"No. No man. I can assure you of that."
John's feelings of unreality deepened. This couldn't be happening and neither could he be sounding so reasonable and couldn't work out for the life of him what that signified of his past relationship with Jo, whether it hadn't sunk in yet or whether it spelled deliverance from this infernally eternal period of taking things slowly. He gathered his thoughts to assemble the facts.
"In recent times, the only person outside work I've heard you talk about was this old schoolfriend Mel."
"Goodbye John," Jo said rapidly as an instant look of panic flashed into her leant forward to kiss him on his cheek and in a swirl of air, the door was shut and she was gone.
John refilled Jo's glass, took a gulp from it and lay back on the sofa, apparently deep in thought. There was an utter stillness in the air that Coope didn't disturb as she tiptoed back into the room.
George was blazingly angry about the nonchalant way that Jo had dumped John and finally ran Jo to earth in their time honoured combat area, the locker room. They had the predictable verbal run in about John and about each other until they both ran out of steam. As George paused for breath, a thought struck her to be in a more conciliatory mood as, after all, Jo's opening crack about 'having done no more than George or Helen had done' had some degree of merit in it.
"So what about this Mel you're dating? I'm intrigued to hear about this woman who's captured your heart after all these years," George said with a slight smirk on her face.
"Well," Jo started to say and she couldn't resist a warm smile spreading across her face, even after her row with was dying to tell someone else about the new love in her life and the depths of her friendship with George hadn't been broken. After all, she knew they were both self-willed women and bound to clash from time to time. "I knew her from school when she tried to recruit me for her all female rock band. I played one gig with them and then we lost contact. We met again in the local tea shop when she moved to my village. She's this denim jeans and leather jacket rock chick, totally outrageous, good company and funny. I know now that she'd fancied me all along and started going round to her place to drink, play music and have fun. We ended up one evening making love and it's started from there. I suppose I've been overdoing it recently though the sex is fantastic. I never knew what I was missing." finished Jo.
"So does she play in a rock band for a living or does she have another form of livelihood?" George asked in deliberately moderated tones. She was longing to ask Jo one question but squashed that as obviously counter-productive, Do I expect to read about her playing a gig at the Albert Hall and you playing by her side?
Jo's mouth fell open. It was a question that had simply not occurred to her. All she knew was that when she went up to London to work hard as a barrister, Mel was readily and available when Jo had eagerly trotted up the untidy front path and appeared the other side of the open front door.
"I suppose my love life story will be circulated all round your friends at Chix, George?" Jo asked as she'd come down from her clouds and started to put two and two together.
"Believe me, I'm not out to blacken your name, Jo. You might be surprised that I regard you as a close friend. It's not as if we're competing for John's sexual favours these days. It's just that we've had a few arguments recently. You've told me just what's been behind your ratty behaviour at the AGM and everything else after that. It means that my lips aren't going to be sealed next time I see Nikki and Helen. I have no hidden agenda and I want to see you truly happy, that's all."
"But I am happy, blissfully happy. What do you mean?" Jo asked, totally puzzled.
George didn't answer her question.