Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
A/N: Please forgive any vocab mishaps or grammar faults. I'm posting this while running on only three hours sleep...But that's what you get when you favour dancing over sleep.
Thank you to for the absolutely amazing response to last chapter. It was really surprising because I was a little apprehensive about the chapter and whether it would seem rushed.
This chapter has been sitting on my computer for months, in fact it was one of the first ones I wrote. It's been fiddled with several times and re-written (not voluntarily) twice (damn technology). Anyway, it's pretty epic (18 pages!) so I hope you have plenty of time to read it.
Love is when you shed a tear and still want him, it's when you sacrifice everything you are just to ease his pain, it's when he loves another girl but you still smile and say 'I'm happy for you'.
My world steadied, and I felt the familiar feeling of spongy grass beneath my white ballet flats while reaching tendrils of flora tickled the bare skin on my legs. I could smell the definite fragrance of a summery forest - fresh, floral, and slightly musky.
My eyes squinted as I adjusted to the bright light surrounding me. When the light spots cleared from my vision I saw that I was standing in a small clearing hidden a few metres into a forest, which seemed to surround a large white house. The setting was beautiful.
The light showed it was around late afternoon and soon the dim sunlight, which backlit the fluffy clouds, would bathe the sky in the orange glow of twilight. The clearing I stood in would be pooled in golden light and the small patches of meadow flowers would be tainted with a rosy hue.
I peered out between the few trees in front of me to see the house better. It was perfectly hidden amongst the trees to give its residence some privacy. A winding driveway disappeared from view and I assumed it led to civilisation. I looked around the scene in front of me. Cars filled the driveway in front of the pretty house, and I wondered for a second what I had jumped into. As I stood anxiously watching the house in front of me a blue suburban car drove up to the house and parked awkwardly in front. I should have known the passengers wouldn't be adults by their driving, so I almost expected the five teenagers as they bundled out of the car and made their way up the wrap around front porch.
They were dressed in relatively formal attire, the girls in pretty dresses and the boys in suits of varying colours. I sighed when I saw that one of the boys had attempted and failed to do his tie correctly. That was never a mistake that Edward would make, but then again he was refined to the point of near physical perfection.
I looked down at my own outfit and smiled in relief. I stood wearing my pale pink silk summer dress as it flowed prettily over my body and stopped just above my knees. I sniffed the material and was pleased that it didn't hold any unpleasant odour. It somehow still gave off the faint and fresh smell of the meadow even after being washed. I was glad it still smelt like the place of my departure from Edward.
I bit my lip against the pain of the memory. I had to hold on to the hope that I would see him again.
I propped my bag against one of the nearby trees. I couldn't take it with me because if this was the formal event that it seemed to be, then my bag would seem rather out of place. I crept towards the house and took a quick look back at the small clearing my bag sat in. It wouldn't be a risk of discovery here. It was a few metres in from the driveway, and I doubted anyone would stumble upon it.
My flat shoes crunched on the gravel as I made my way towards the large front door.
I didn't know why I was here but then when had my jumps ever had a reason? I had spun from one place to another and somehow it had all worked out.
My footsteps echoed on the wooden porch as I reached for the door, just as the teenagers had before me. I registered the sound of a car driving up behind me but stayed focussed on the door in front of me.
Just as my hand brushed the solid wood I heard a voice I had never expected to hear in such a place.
"Can you believe it's today, Phil. Oh just look at this house! Bella's so lucky, they're such a nice family and he's a good boy. I'm so excited!"
I spun immediately and gasped when I saw the owner of the voice.
"Renée?" She looked up and a wide smile burst out on her face.
It had only been a matter of days since I last saw her, but I treasured the moments when I got to see people again. They could be so rare.
I drank in her appearance. She didn't look any older or younger, in fact I guessed not even a year had passed since I last saw her.
As I took in her appearance I noticed she was dressed in a mid length forest green chiffon dress and a green and gold fascinator sat nestled in her waved hair. Her eyes shone with excitement, and I smiled that she was still so much like a child when it came to visiting new places.
However, I had never expected to see her in a place with so much greenery. She had always had a dislike for this kind of place.
My mind started click together the pieces of information and came to one conclusion.
Bella was getting married.
"Sarelle!" Social etiquette and manners flew out of me as I rushed towards her and settled myself in her outstretched arms.
Our hug didn't last long because she soon stepped back to look me over as a mother did with her child. To me this act was both a contradiction and an expectation. Mine and Renée's relationship was so much like that of a mother and her child because she had been the woman to help me through moments when I needed a mother, however, we were still so much like friends. For as many times as she comforted me I had been there for her, holding her in a hug and telling her it would all be OK.
"I can't believe it's really you! It's August 13th 2006 in Forks, Bella's wedding day. Did you jump straight here?" She spoke in hushed tones because Phil was standing not far from us with an intrigued expression on his face.
I couldn't help but smile when she told me the date. Ever since I told her about my ability she made a point of telling me where I was and the date. It was just a small gesture but it meant a lot.
My mind registered the fact that today was Bella's wedding day. My body buzzed with excitement at finally seeing the girl I hadn't seen since she was just a two year old, the little girl who, to me, seemed like a long lost sister.
To just see her was a wonderful thing, but for that day to be her wedding day was something that made my whole being happy.
I couldn't be more proud of her knowing that she was in love and taking the step to make it something permanent.
There was part of me that wondered why she was rushing it. She was surely only eighteen. That to me, in this generation, seemed so young to get married and bind yourself to someone for the rest of your life. Then again, if I thought about it, when I had been with Edward I would have married him within an instant because he was the one I wanted and would always want. So why would someone wait to get married when they had already found the person they knew they were meant to be with?
If this was the situation for Bella, which I assumed it must be because Renée had explained she wasn't one to be irresponsible, then I could feel nothing but happiness that the baby girl I had loved was in love.
I came out of my mind and grinned at Renée's happy face.
"I can't wait to see her, Renée. It's been so long." Renée released me and turned to the man in the tux behind her.
"Phil, you remember Sarelle?" He nodded smiling slightly.
"'Course. I still day dream about her cooking. It's good to see you again, Sarelle." He reached to shake my hand and I took it warmly.
"You too, Phil, I don't know how you keep up with her," I said and he chuckled. He never seemed the type to be overly talkative but that fit Renée's personality perfectly. He was the buffer for her abstract mind, and he was young enough to keep up with her tornado-like mind and wild enthusiasm.
"Come on, we had better get in there. I have to give Bella her present. I just can't believe my baby girl is getting married!" Renée's voice buzzed as we made our way inside the grand white house.
We all gasped when we entered the hallway, although Phil used a more masculine 'woah'.
The scene was a mass of beautiful blossoms and twinkling soft fairy lights. Every surface was elegantly draped in pretty pastel coloured petals that were lit in subtle white light from the scattered candles and lights.
My senses fell completely into the scene. Soft piano tunes drifted through the air and the luscious scent of roses, freesias and orange blossoms wafted around me, seducing my mind.
"Oh it's gorgeous!" Renée burst out and her eyes drank in the scene desperately as if it would vanish any second.
She soon released my hand and made her way upstairs in a buzz of excited distraction with Phil following behind her.
"Oh Bella! Oh honey, you're so beautiful. Oh, I'm going to cry!" Renée's voice gushed and faded as she made her way up the stairs and round the corner.
I wandered further into the hallway, gazing at the beauty that surrounded me. It was like something out of a movie. Everything was exquisitely designed to tempt your senses and melt you into feeling like it was all just a dream. A midsummer night's dream.
The artfully distributed flowers seemed as if they just spilled into the room. Like the perfect mix of nature and humanity, or fantasy and reality.
An unconscious smile coated my face as I looked around and drank in the soft floral scent that permeated the air.
My eyes fell on a table that was laden with gifts, and I felt a twinge of guilt. I hadn't gotten Bella anything.
I was at her wedding and hadn't even brought anything with me to give her. I knew I had no way of knowing, but now that I was here I felt I should at least give her something, no matter how small.
I ransacked my mind for possible presents. As soon as the idea came to my mind I rushed back out to the clearing where my bag was and rummaged quickly through the mess of fabric and objects I had collected.
It didn't take long for me to find Aslo's book, and I swiftly passed through the well thumbed pages to find the image I wanted.
In seconds my eyes gazed upon the detail sketched of the sparkling man that Bella had loved so much as a child.
I tore the picture from the book and grabbed my pen from my bag.
She may not have known who I was. In fact I doubted she had any idea of my existence, or how I knew of her. If Renée had ever spoken of me to her, then she wouldn't have used my name. I would have just been 'some girl' she once knew or still knew. However, even though Bella didn't know who I was I wanted her to know who gave her this.
I wanted her to know I had been a part of her life, even if it was just a small part.
My pen hovered over the back of the page as the words formed in my mind.
Dear Bella,
It's been so long since we last saw each other, but I could not be more proud and happy that I got to experience this special day with you.
You used to love this picture when you were little, so I could think of nothing better to give to you but a little piece of the past that we shared together.
Remember, Bella, live life to its fullest and you'll have everything you'll ever want because sometimes you just have to take the risk.
Lots of love and happiness,
Your distant friend,
Sarelle
xxx
I smiled as I reread the passage and rolled the paper up; tying it with the simple lilac bow I had bought with my purple dress in Chicago. I had no need for the ribbon any more since I had left my violet dress behind in my Belmore cottage.
I knew the gift wouldn't be much, but I hoped that the image would mean something to her.
Perhaps Bella wouldn't recognise it, but I knew Renée would, and when she did I hoped she would take it as the sign it was meant to be. The sign, that if Bella should ever ask about me, it was safe to tell her everything.
The soft tunes of Pachelbel's Canon drifted from the house, and I ran towards it with my camera swinging from my neck.
As soon as I opened the door my mind was hit with the spectacular scent of the flowers again, and I slowed to deposit my gift on the pile of presents.
"Come on, Phil. We need to get to our seats. Oh, I think I've got butterflies." Renée giggled as she and Phil passed me from down the stairs. I followed them into the room which was obviously to be the setting for the ceremony.
I had thought the hallway was beautiful but this new scene was exquisite.
White chairs sat in rows filled with guests, and plumes of frothy blossoms and white roses hung in garlands from the ceiling, whilst white transparent silk fluttered around the windows.
It was like a dream, a fantastical, magical, magnificent dream.
I made my way to a spare seat near the back next to a native looking boy and a woman I assumed was his mother.
"Hey, I'm Seth," The boy smiled at me and offered his large tan hand. I shook it and tried not to show my surprise at the heat that flooded off his skin.
"Sarelle," I said and played nervously with the edge of my dress as it sat just above my knees.
I was anxious to see Bella, but there was part of me that worried that she wouldn't want a 'stranger' at her wedding. After all, she didn't know me, and since this seemed like an expensive wedding, I doubted she would want anyone unexpected interrupting it.
"So, Sarelle, whose side you on?" Seth grinned at me and I smiled back at his joke.
"Bella's. I'm a family friend," I said. Seth looked like he was going to continue our conversation but Wager's traditional march soon started, and we all stood waiting for the bride to make her way into our line of sight.
I fiddled with my dress where it was caught on the white wooden chair as light footsteps told me that the bridesmaid had made her way gracefully up the aisle. I wondered who Bella had chosen out of her friends to be her bridesmaid.
I knew who I would choose if I ever had the chance to have my perfect wedding.
Alice.
She was one of my best friends and it would have been an easy choice to make.
Of course the chance of me ever having the chance to have my perfect wedding was slim. The tingle wouldn't let me. But I could dream. Sometimes I even thought that it was possible, after all Jasper and Alice had ended up together through nothing but fate. I just had to hope that somehow fate would allow me and Edward to be together, someday.
I felt like I was almost holding my breath as I heard steady slow footsteps making their way towards the room. Within seconds, Bella stepped into view with her father, and the crowd gasped in amazement at her beauty. She truly was ethereal. Her hair was intricately braided with waving tendrils and petite pearls woven into her dark mahogany tresses. Her face was glowing with happiness, and her eyes sparkled with excitement as they took in her beautiful surroundings. Her dress trailed behind her and the lace fit her body perfectly in a way that was old fashioned but seemed to fit her classic looks.
I snapped pictures as she made her way up the aisle.
There was a moment when she walked passed and looked at me. In that glance I thought I saw some kind of recognition, but I couldn't be sure. Perhaps I just hoped that she remembered me. It would have been nice to know that- although she may not have remembered me as a person, my words or actions- she remembered who I was to her and how I made her feel.
I brushed away my contemplation and focussed back on her as she locked her eyes on her destination.
She had grown up to be a beautiful woman, and I felt a swell of pride as I watched her take careful measured steps up the aisle. Although I thought that perhaps her steady steps were more due to her father's guidance than her natural grace, because I was certain I saw a slight stumble as she neared the end.
My camera was fixed to my eyes as I watched her through the lens. I didn't care about all the pretty decorations; they wouldn't be what I wanted to remember most. I just wanted to capture as many memories of Bella as possible, because it could be the last time I got the chance.
Finally the moment came when her father had to give her hand to the man she loved. The man that I also loved for being the cause of the gleaming smile on Bella's face. The man that loved the little girl I had known as she stood before him in her adult form.
I captured the moment perfectly as their hands clasped together and their fingers intertwined.
I removed the camera from my eyes so that I could see the man that had caused Bella to fall so hard and made her so happy.
It only took a split second for me to register the sight in front of me, and in that second my mind numbed.
In that near fatal moment my world crumbled.
I felt a gasp rip from me as I looked at the man that had his hand held in Bella's.
Edward.
My Edward.
The Edward I had loved.
The Edward I still loved.
This couldn't be happening. This had to be some kind of sick nightmare.
Please let me be asleep, because I can't live with this reality.
But this was reality, so I watched as any hopes I had for my 'happily ever after' dissipated like smoke in the wind.
You told him to do this. You made him promise that he would find someone else. A bitter voice punished my selfishness and it cut like a knife because it spoke the truth. I had made him promise to find new love, but stupidly I didn't understand the true consequences of that promise. Perhaps I was too selfish and self centred to truly believe that he would fall again. Yes, I had been so egotistical that I subconsciously never thought he would keep his promise.
I felt my heart fracturing as I looked upon the happy couple before me and felt a solid lump form in my throat. It kept me in a state of mute suffering.
My legs gave way just in time for everyone to sit down, and I stumbled numbly into my chair.
Edward's face was shining with happiness as he looked upon Bella, and I felt my heart ache. That had been the way he had looked at me. Or at least I thought that was how he had looked at me. Could I have been wrong? I didn't think I had made such a monumental mistake, but now that I saw him standing with Bella I wondered if I ever really knew how he felt, or the depth of emotion he was capable of. Was it possible that I had mistaken comfort and ease, for love? The very idea that I could have misled myself so badly was enough for me to blush in angry embarrassment.
How could I have been so stupid as to believe that the beautiful immortal ever truly loved me, a simple human child? When now that I saw them standing together, there was clearly no one better suited to him than Bella.
She was Edward's human companion, his equivalent in physical beauty. Although I didn't know the woman she had become, I knew from the way Renée talked about her that she would match his wonderfully loyal and caring nature. She was a mature and brave woman.
The dull ache raged in my chest, and I clutched my locket in my hands as if it acted like my lifeline, my rock to stop me from falling apart in my chair.
My eyes were pulled from the torturous sight in front of me, and I stared into the sympathetic eyes of Carlisle. He was standing behind Edward with a look of compassion in his eyes as his own locked with mine. Nothing but understanding dripped from his gaze, and I felt a tear drop down my cheek as I stared hopelessly into his compassionate eyes. He had been like a father to me, and he was the man I had thought might one day invite me to his family as his legal daughter-in-law but to become like a daughter.
My mind taunted me with the similarities in front of me. Carlisle was beside Edward watching him give himself to be joined with Bella. Just as I had hoped he would stand by me and give me away to Edward, giving me the chance to belong to a family properly rather than just being an outsider.
My eyes passed across Carlisle to see Jasper and Emmett standing as Edward's groomsmen.
I felt a flutter of happiness at seeing them again, but it was soon squashed when I remembered the situation. This wasn't how I had hoped I would next see them.
I glanced to see Jasper searching the crowd for the conflicting sad emotions which acted as a beacon to him in the sea of happiness and calm.
Eventually, his honey eyes settled on me, and I gave him a false smile. Jasper knew, of course he did, that my facade was just that, a facade. Even the greatest liars couldn't lie to themselves. He was understanding. He soaked up my emotions and nodded to say that he understood why I felt this way. He didn't judge me for being unhappy in this moment. He knew that I couldn't be happy right now. I had lost too much for me to be filled with the same peace and joy as the others who sat around me.
He jerked his head towards Emmett and rolled his eyes at Emmett's oblivious state. His little joke wasn't enough to clear my emotions completely, but I could find it in me to crack a small smile. After that I didn't dare search for the rest of the Cullen's. I knew they would be here, but I didn't feel that I could bear to see them as they watched me fall apart. This was their happy day, and I didn't want to be the scar that marred its perfection.
I dropped my gaze from the ceremony, and a tear escaped to trail down my cheek. Its path seemed like it burned my skin. It was filled with hurt, jealousy, resentment and desperation.
I knew I had no right to hate Bella. She was just an innocent girl who fell in love with a boy, but I had been her. All those years ago it had been me who was holding Edward's hand and basking in his golden gaze. I had been like her and dreamed of this wonderful wedding day. I had imagined what it would feel like to have Edward place a wedding ring on my finger and declare me his. It had been all I ever wanted, to have my hand in his and embrace the feeling of completeness, knowing that I would be his for eternity.
Jealousy seeped through my veins with every heavy thump of my fractured heart, all because Bella was able to have the experience I craved, while all I could do was dream about it. Just wish upon an empty dream with tainted hope and plead with fate for it to come true.
But really, how self-centred was I being? Thinking that where Bella stood was my rightful place, when I knew I was never meant to be there enjoying the blissful moment of my wedding day.
No, I was fated to always be watching from the side lines. To watch with a smile as everyone else experienced the life events I most wanted, to fade into the background without complaint. To be a ghost in life, just like the children at the orphanage had accused me of being those seven years ago.
Another laden breath left my lips in a shaky sigh.
"So you're a crier, huh?" I turned to see Seth grinning at me as he held out a tissue. I couldn't return his mega watt smile, but I used all my effort to give him a small smile as I dabbed at my eyes.
"Sometimes emotions just overwhelm you," I said, and smiled weakly before returning my gaze to the ceremony.
Only this time I wasn't allowed to look upon the happy couple unnoticed. This time I fell into Edward's amber eyes and my heart shattered into a million shards, cutting my soul to shreds It should have hurt but what did it really matter, I had no need for a soul when its mate was being joined to another.
As his eyes took in my expression, I watched as they flashed with his emotions. I didn't want to see them there, especially not the ones such as love and regret. They only made the pain in my chest twist and writhe.
I wanted nothing more than to lock my eyes with his and never look away, to just bathe in the love I felt for him, but I could see Bella in my peripheral vision and because of her, my empty chest became a battle ground. It was because of her presence that my body soaked with guilt due to the longing I had for Edward.
She didn't deserve my blame or hate. She was just Bella, just a girl who fell in love and I was a wretched being for feeling what I felt.
I smiled slightly at Edward. He couldn't dwell on my presence when he had beautiful Bella right in front of him. The girl he clearly wanted. I watched as he turned back to Bella, leaving me in the cold shadow of life without his loving stare.
I swallowed the resentment that had left a bitter taste in my mouth and focussed my eyes on Bella.
If I just ignored the emotional storm brewing in the room and focussed on the little ray of sunshine created by seeing Bella, then perhaps I could escape the turmoil that loomed over me. I just had to remember this was Bella's wedding. The sweet little girl I had loved and still loved as a sister, and the intelligent child that had spent hours with me looking at Aslo's book. The girl that had loved the picture of the sparkling man, Derren.
This was just a wedding, just a wonderfully happy wedding.
I kept up this mantra during the simple ceremony until the minister asked Edward his final question.
"As long as you both shall live?"
The words made my breath hitch, and I curled my fingers tightly around the edge of the chair as I watched and waited in hope and horror, whilst Edward seemed to study Bella. His eyes gazed deeply into hers, but in a fleeting moment his eyes flickered towards me. I felt my heart beat loudly with every moment that his eyes rested on my seated form.
I wanted to say something, anything that would quell the raging torrent of agony I felt.
Could I let him destroy Bella by uttering the words 'no', just so that I could have him forever as mine and mine alone?
No.
No matter how much I loved him. I cared for Bella and Renée, and I couldn't hurt them that way.
I locked my gaze with his and slowly shook my head, while every particle in my body fought against my decision to let him go.
His eyes registered my action, and I ignored the confusion and hurt that ran through them.
As he turned away from me I sat with baited breath and waited for his reply.
The short silence before he spoke seemed to last forever and taunted me with the beautiful possibility that I could have him, that I could go back to how things had been just a few days ago. However, that beautiful possibility was just a pipe dream, and eventually his voice cleared and a strong 'I do' rung out into the air.
The sound ripped at the hole where my heart had been but somehow my mask like exterior remained intact. Instead I sat there shell shocked, as I watched Edward and Bella share a kiss for the first time. This kiss wasn't an ordinary one. Not like the one's me and Edward had shared. This kiss held so much significance that I couldn't look away, even though it was torture to see. It was like watching a car crash, each second I wanted to look away and protect myself, but I found my eyes masochistically glued to the scene.
When they parted the crowd erupted into cheers and burst upwards from their seats in jubilation.
I didn't.
I couldn't.
I was numb and waiting for the wave of emotion to crash over me. I was waiting for the heavy weight of its pressure to surround and drown me.
As I sat in my near catatonic state, I wondered if it was possible to die from a broken heart, because if so, then I would be certain that this is what it would feel like.
I hadn't stayed in the house after the ceremony to congratulate the happy couple, instead I ran.
I ran from the pain that chased me.
I ran from the girl I loved and hated in equal measure, and I ran from her doting mother that would want to introduce me and let me share her excitement.
I couldn't put myself through that. I had barely been strong enough to survive the wedding, so I knew I was too fragile to survive the after party.
Consequently, I now sat in my jump site clearing with tears pouring down my face. I begged the tingle to take me away, or to make me feel something other than the wretched pain that saturated me now.
The distant sounds of cheering, talking and singing drifted from the backyard where the reception was held. It was a happy soundtrack because a wedding was meant to be a happy event.
Why couldn't I be happy? Why couldn't I erase the hurt I felt about losing Edward and just be happy for Bella?
I knew why.
It was because my mind viciously played out the happy memories that I had shared with Edward and the other Cullen's. The memories kept me in this state of feeling only half full with happiness for little Bella.
Did they treat Bella like they had treated me?
Were we interchangeable to them, to Edward?
No, surely that couldn't be the case because they had never encouraged Edward to marry me. Why would they? My past was marred with unpleasant events, why would they want such dirt binding to their family permanently? I wasn't clean and innocent. Not like Bella. The raw facts of it were that I wasn't as good for him as Bella was and I knew that with spiteful clarity. She could be here with him, always. I couldn't.
My life wouldn't let me. No matter how much I wanted it.
Then again, would Edward have ever really wanted me like he wanted Bella? Would he have wanted me to be his wife if he knew Bella would exist and be his, or if he knew my past?
Did he think I was as worthy as she?
I felt anger rage through me as I thought of him. How could he claim to have loved me like no other and yet moved on so easily?
Because you made him promise to do it. My conscious enemy hissed, reminding me of the greatest betrayal I had ever made to my heart. I had wished away the love of my life because I wanted him to happy without me. It was supposed to be a selfless act of love, but now I hated that I hadn't selfishly held onto him. I had thought I could be noble and altruistic, that I could make peace with such a thing, but I couldn't, not the way a true selfless person could. It was not wired in my nature. I had survived this life through set principles of risks, survival and levels of guardedness. Edward had slain each of those, and I had committed such a sin against my character. I had released all feeling of emotional self-preservation and thought only of Edward and his welfare. I had cut my heart to shreds all because I cared more for him than myself.
And the repulsive truth of it was that, even now, I masochistically craved his happiness over mine. I found a sick sense of joy that this was his wedding day, that he had finally walked up the aisle and spoken the vows, as I was certain he had longed to do ever since 1918. My heart be damned that it wasn't with me.
The sound of a door opening pierced my sob filled haze, and I scuttled closer to the tree so that I was hidden away from searching gazes.
My pride wouldn't let me be seen this way. They would only judge me as a pathetic lovesick teenager. They wouldn't see the heartbroken woman below my surface who was grieving a dream about a life that had been lost.
I clutched my locket to my chest and curled myself around it, while my dress spilled out around me.
"Sarelle." I jumped from the sudden closeness of the sound as it pierced my bubble like silence. His soft voice still felt like velvet against my ears, but it ripped at the pulsing wound where my heart had been. Just angry raw flesh.
I didn't answer; instead I focussed on his ring that still burned on my left engagement finger. The eternity ring he had given me, promising me that I was his angel, forever and eternity. My mind scoffed at how now the simple platinum band was practically meaningless now. It was yet another trinket which my mind forbid me to discard. All because of a foolish sense of sentimental value which made it seem too precious to lose.
"Sarelle, please, will you give me this dance?" I could hear the hidden desperation in his voice, but I refused to acknowledge it. He shouldn't be feeling it. He hadn't lost anything. In fact, he had gained everything I had ever wanted, and with a girl that was so much better for him than I ever could be.
I looked up to see his ashen hand extended to me, and through the bitterness, I felt like it called to my own. As if they were made to fit together. As if we were made to be together.
But I was wrong.
It wasn't the other half to my hand, and he wasn't my destined missing half sent to complete me. No matter how much I believed him to be.
He was Bella's.
That hand was Bella's to hold, the shining wedding band told me that.
The jealousy I felt when I saw that ring sizzled like acid against my empty chest, leaving an acrid taste in my mouth.
"Where's your wife?" I could clearly hear the acidic tone in my voice, and I knew he would too, but I couldn't bring myself out of my sorry state to ease any discomfort he may feel at the hurt I displayed.
"She's dancing with a friend," he said, but the word 'friend' didn't seem to sit well in his mouth. I wondered if he knew firsthand the kind of jealousy I was feeling right now.
He deserves it...A distant internal voice hissed, and I cringed at the hidden hate that boiled in my core. I didn't want to hate him, but I was in too much of a mess to decide which emotions were right to feel. Instead my body was hurled from one end of the scale to the other in mere seconds. I hated my hormones for having such control over me.
"You shouldn't be here. You should be with Bella. That's where you're meant to be." My voice had no real conviction due to its loss of resentment, but I looked up in hope that he had accepted my command and left.
He hadn't. Instead he gasped as his eyes locked with mine, and he saw my battered soul as it echoed through my eyes.
In that moment I saw every emotion that I wanted to desperately ignore, guilt, sadness, regret, passion, and the worst of all, love.
"Sarelle." His voice broke as his face showed the pain of his silent sobs.
I couldn't bear to see him so broken in front of me, so I rushed to stand before him. I took his hand in mine and brought his other to rest at my waist. As soon as we settled into each other we began to sway slowly to a distant melodious tune that drifted from the reception.
His sorrow filled eyes met my own, and I couldn't help but melt into him.
Why had this happened to us?
We had been so in love, so happy. Yet, now we stood in each other's arms with our future together broken beyond repair. I knew I had told him to find love in my absence, so I had no right to feel this betrayal. Then again, human emotions weren't reasonable and rational, and as I knew too well altruism didn't mix with my mind. It was like sugar in cold water. It mixed temporarily with great effort, but when it all settles there is no way for the two to meld.
I brought my shaking hand up to his face and brushed his brilliant bronze hair away from his face. He leant into my touch, and I luxuriated in the tender feeling he used as he skimmed his nose along the length of my lower arm - a small but sad smile playing on his lips.
How could I even start to hate this man, when I was still so much in love with him?
"You kept your promise," I murmured, staring at my feet, the platinum band glinting in the twilight as a beacon for our past.
"Fifty five years I've begged for this scent to cloud my mind. Fifty five years I've longed to hold you in my arms, and here you are, on my wedding day. Fate truly is a cruel force." As he spoke he strengthened his grip on my waist and placed soft kisses on my wrist, inhaling my floral scent deeply.
I watched him in rapture as the dim rosy sunlight bathed his pale complexion in a peachy hue and made him glimmer slightly. It made him look like an angel in front of me. It matched the heavenly feeling that soaked through me at his touch.
I couldn't forget that this wasn't a romantic reunion because instead this was the end for us.
"It may have been fifty five years for you, Edward, but it's been mere days for me. Our last moments in the meadow are still so clear to me." I tried desperately to stop my voice was cracking, but instead it was left to be nothing but a whisper. In a way, it matched the weakness I now felt.
Edward's fingertips played with the pale pink hem on my dress, and I watched his face as it looked wistfully at the fabric in his hands. He knew that this was what I was wearing last time we saw each other, and just as it filled my mind with memories, it saturated his own.
We swayed a little while longer as we each just enjoyed the feeling of comfort that seemed to surround us. As we danced away from the party in our little meadow, I felt that we were in our own little bubble. As if the life outside this small patch of sunlight didn't mean anything. There was nothing waiting for us, nothing that was waiting to split us up.
A new song started to play out, and I recognised it immediately, but that wasn't the reason for the puzzled look I gave Edward.
My song? I asked him internally, and he nodded smiling softly.
"I never forgot you, Sarelle. There was never a second when you didn't occupy my mind." He lightly brushed his hand across my cheek and trailed it down through my hair with a look in his eye as if he was memorising every insignificant detail.
It was the touch I longed for, but also the touch that riddled me with guilt. I couldn't let him treat me like this when his wife danced just a few metres away. I should be left out with the waste for my covetous thoughts. To want a married man was not something I did and this moment was the wrong time to be thinking of Edward in such a loving way. It was his wedding. I held no right to adoration here.
"I wish I could hear those words and feel nothing but happiness. But I can't do this to Bella. She's your wife and my friend."
Edward nodded and glanced towards the house. The party was slightly visible through the large windows. "I would never hurt Bella, but this feels right. Everything about you, it feels like home."
"But it doesn't work like that. You love her." I dropped my eyes from the man I loved because I knew what I said was true. He loved Bella, and whatever he once felt for me wasn't strong enough for this dancing embrace to be anything but wrong.
Nearly as soon as my eyes left Edward's, I felt his gentle touch guiding my face back up, and his eyes searched mine.
"I love you too." There was no way I could ignore that voice. There was nothing hidden in it that hinted at lies. It was because of this that I felt a tear slip down my cheek. Edward frowned and went to catch it with a light kiss, but I turned my head away. I wanted him too much for a simple act of a kiss to mean anything innocent to me. I couldn't allow myself the temptation his touches sparked.
"Don't say that, Edward, please. You're with Bella now. You can't say those things to me." His palms cupped my face, and I felt my eyes blur with the traitor tears building. I didn't want to cry. I didn't want him to feel guilt just because he loved someone else.
I knew I felt hurt, but I also knew that it was an irrational emotion. How could I really deny him the happiness of finding someone new, when he had suffered so much time alone, when I told him to love again?
What kind of person would I be if I made him suffer for hurting me, when all I could offer him was a few brief months of happiness before I disappeared again without any promise of ever coming back?
"Sarelle, is it wrong to love two people at once? Please tell me, because that's how I feel." His eyes burned with the weight of his question and the confusion he felt. I just wished I could give him an answer that would make us both happy.
"Yes, Edward, when you're married, it is." The words stung my tongue as I said them, and my heart screamed at me for becoming the cause of my own pain.
When I finally allowed myself to look into his eyes I knew I had expected to see understanding, but I was shocked to see there was nothing there but passion. I panicked when he didn't release me from his loving hold. I tried to escape, but his arms were strong around me. I soon realised that I didn't have the strength to escape him, because really I didn't want to. Everything in me conflicted. I hated the way I loved his touch. I crawled with guilt at the envy I felt for Bella. With every second I searched his eyes I fell against my will. I was helpless to deny him. I felt the anticipation build in me as he leant forward, his cool breath fluttering against my skin.
"Then forgive me for I have sinned," he whispered the words into my ear. I hated the desiring shiver that ran down my spine as his scent clouded my mind, and the cool feel of him ignited the fire that had burnt in me when we were together.
I didn't want to want him. It would do me no good to feel this way when there was no way for me to ever have him, but I would be damned if I didn't adore his passion.
I felt his lips brush against my forehead, and then the tip of my nose, making their way towards my aching lips that begged for his divine touch. As soon as I felt his hands lightly tilt my face towards his I felt a new wave of panic sear through me.
I couldn't do this.
I couldn't kiss a married man, especially when he was married to Bella. It didn't matter that he was Edward, and we had history between us. He wasn't my Edward anymore, he was Bella's.
I lurched away from his seductive grasp and waited for the butterflies in my stomach to still and my racing blood to slow down, before standing static still in his arms.
I couldn't kiss him, but I didn't want to leave his embrace. It was where I felt safe and at home.
Edward sighed and rested his head on the top of mine as I leant against his chest.
We stood in comfortable silence until the all too familiar tingle sparked in my fingertips. My whole body tensed at the sensation, and I felt Edward stiffen next to me.
"I can't be here for you like Bella can. No matter how much I want it." I sniffled, and I leant away from his shirt before my tears stained it. I wouldn't leave any mark on him, that way Bella would never know there was one before her. He could be completely hers without any ghost of me left behind with him.
"Why is it that no matter how many times I lose you, the hurt still tears at me? It never fades." Edward's voice was faint. He clutched me closer to him, as if it would make a difference. If only it was possible for me to stay with him just by the strength of his hold. If that was the case then we would never have gotten to this point of goodbye.
"Please don't, Edward, because I can't bear the thought of causing you pain." I desperately cupped his face in my palms and looked into his troubled eyes. I had to show him that this wasn't the end; this was just the end of us. He still had an eternity of happiness waiting for him. He had Bella.
"Just focus on everything you have with Bella, because that is everything you'll ever need." Edward let out a slow breath and nodded slightly.
I dropped my hands, and he softly wrapped them up in his own whilst his eyes locked in mine.
"Will I ever see you again?" There was no fight left in his voice. He knew there was nothing he could do but accept this and resign himself to the fact that this may be the last time we ever saw each other again. It was a horrible thought, but it was the only reality we had. There was no other option left to us.
"You know that only fate can decide that." I smiled slightly through my drying tears.
"Perhaps I could make a deal with the devil. I'm already damned to hell." He laughed but it wasn't happy.
"You know better than that, Edward." I grinned sadly, and he tried to return it before dropping his eyes from mine. I couldn't have him sad. I didn't want our last few moments to be drenched in sadness when we had experienced so many moments of pure joy.
"I would give anything to keep you with me," he said as he brushed a fingertip across my cheek. I grasped his loving hand in mine placing a light kiss on his palm before bringing my other hand to rest against his face.
"Edward. You've had a beautiful wedding with beautiful decorations and a beautiful wife. You're going to have a perfect eternity together." I hoped my eyes shone with my sincerity because I couldn't let them falter now. I couldn't show him the cracked being beneath the surface. I heard a faint feminine laugh and turned Edward's face toward the sound.
Bella was just about visible through the window as she danced happily with a tall russet coloured man. She was a vision of bliss.
"She's what you want, Edward. She's what you have. Don't chase a past memory when your reality is so much better." Edward turned back to face me and placed his hand over my own. His touch filled my hand with the wonderful cold feeling I had grown to adore during our time together.
"I can't lose you again." His voice broke, and his eyes lost some of the remnant glow they had from seeing Bella.
I smiled and brought his other hand to rest above my locket where it rested above my beating heart.
"You'll never lose me. A part of me will always be with you, because no matter what happens, you will always have our past, our memories." our love...He smiled sadly and brought both our hands to clutch around my locket as our foreheads leant together.
"I'll cherish it for eternity, forever and eternity," his voice whispered.
"Don't waste time being unhappy, Edward. It's too precious. You and Bella deserve to have a happily ever after." As soon as my words left my mouth I felt the tingle surged around me. With a sigh I turned to pick up my bag then back to give Edward the only goodbye I could, even if neither of us wanted it.
He stood motionless as I leant up to place a final kiss upon his cool cheek.
"Goodbye, Edward."
And with that I left him, the man I loved, to have a perfect eternity with another woman, and keep his promise.
A/N: Don't worry this isn't the last chapter, far from it.
Ok so here's a bit of an explanation about this story, because it's a little more than just a time travelling story (although that is obviously the main aspect of it)
Basically, I've read the twilight books far too many times. Anyway, I remembered and picked up on little things, whether it was Edward's reaction to something Bella said or did, or a break when we didn't know what Edward was doing or where he was. I figured this story could be the reason for those reactions. Like the story Stephenie forgot to mention. Example: when Bella says she likes Clair de Lune in Twilight and Edward looks as if he is thinking of something - if you think of this story then it could be that he's thinking of Sarelle and how it used to be one of her favourites. Also Edward's resistance to Bella, what if it wasn't purely based on her scent but also the fact that he was reluctant to just give up on Sarelle ever coming back to him. Or how Edward says that the fifties were bearable - it could be because that's when he met Sarelle in Belmore.
There're loads of really small things in the twilight saga that, if you reread it while remembering this story, could have an alternate meaning given Sarelle's existence and influence in the Cullens' lives.
So yeah, although this story is a separate story by itself. I wanted it to subtly fit with the twilight saga. Then again don't assume it will follow the story line exactly :P
Ok random blab-fest over. =D
Maybe leave me a review, let me see what you think, or if you know of any other points in the saga that could be interpretated differently after reading this story, or just generally ask me something - I always try to get back to any questions people have asked.
xxx