Chapter 37

Six days later, Kirk, Konti, and Koh were relaxing in Konti's home. Koh had finally released Kirk that afternoon. Konti had taken him to the club for a quiet meal, and was grateful Kirk behaved. Now Kirk sat on the floor as usual, apparently at ease. Koh, however, seemed somewhat upset.

"Okay, Koh, what's bothering you?"

"Kirk is what's bothering me. Just look at him! Has he told you anything about what we've been doing?"

"No, we haven't had much opportunity, and I don't usually ask anyway. I was a little surprised he behaved himself this afternoon. But he looks normal to me, so what's the problem?"

"That's the problem. He looks normal, and he shouldn't, not after what he's been through."

He looked over at Kirk, who smiled but said nothing. Kirk was faking normality, and he assumed Koh knew it. Shortly Konti would too, because it looked like Koh needed to talk. Now they were both looking at him.

"If you want to talk about it, I don't mind. Do you want to tell him, or shall I?"

"Kirk, are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure. You obviously need to talk about it, so go ahead. I don't need to keep any secrets from Konti."

So Koh talked, giving a blow-by-blow description of the events of that first night. He followed that with a basic outline of his program. Then came a graphic description of exactly what Kirk had suffered through. Outwardly, Kirk listened calmly, but inwardly he was shaking, as Koh's descriptions revived all those memories.

"And he lasted five days, I mean, 120 hours straight. But even his will had finally found its limit. He fell apart yesterday shortly after 1530. He came completely unglued. But even then, the only way I knew it wasn't faked was the stress reader. Anyway, I had to call Korn. He and the inspectors came out. I don't think they believed we didn't fake it, in spite of the stress reader. They grilled Kirk for hours, even though his responses were consistently incoherent. All told, he endured another twelve hours of it after he lost control.

"Even afterwards, the stress reading stayed high. He continued to exhibit out-of-control behavior for another five hours. He pulled it together then only because I told him I would let him out of there if he did. Kirk, how much of what I'm seeing is faked?"

"All of it."

"How can you do that?!"

"With difficulty. And it's not going to last much longer. I'm too exhausted. So if you want anything coherent out of me, now's the time. I don't know if I can last til midnight." Kirk raised bleak eyes to stare at Koh.

"You expect to come back to the lab tonight then?"

"If I'm still on my feet, yes. Otherwise, no promises."

"They said you wouldn't, that if I let you out of there, you'd never come back."

"Not very consistent, are they? So if I manage it, they'll be convinced we faked the whole thing? And if I stay here, they'll throw me in a prison cell. What a choice! I'm about to the point where I don't care. No! That's not true. I do care! I'm just not thinking clearly right now. Lord Jesus, clear my mind." He took a deep breath and looked squarely at Koh. "I will return to your lab."

Koh shook his head in amazement. "Kirk, you're crazy, but that's the best sight I've seen all week! After yesterday, I didn't think that stubborn will of yours would ever recover."

"It hasn't. The power of Jesus Christ will get me there."

"Kirk, are you still afraid of me?"

"Yes, Koh, I'm sorry. I had no idea we'd have this kind of a problem. Weather the storm if you can. It will pass, I think."

"It's not fun any more, Kirk. Not any of it." Koh shook his head, the picture of depression.

"Don't despair, Koh. It may again be fun, at least some of it. Okay if I lift the ban on communications?"

"Yes, absolutely. That was one of the worst parts about the whole thing - not having any idea what you were thinking."

"What was the worst?"

"Two things were worse: the twelve hours after you lost control, and the five hours after that. The twelve hours, because I had to stand there and pretend I didn't care. That was especially hard when they promised you relief. They didn't understand your muttered response, but I did."

"What did he say?" interrupted Konti.

"He said, 'Koh decides.' He was placing the blame for the whole thing squarely on my shoulders."

"I don't think so. He said the same thing to me a month ago, when I was trying to get him to take a nap. I think he was saying that he trusted you, not them. He was not going to be swayed by anything they said. He had placed himself in your hands, and he was content to let you decide when enough was enough."

Koh shook his head in disbelief. "You think he trusted me?! No way! You didn't see what happened afterwards. They left at 0400 this morning, and I immediately switched everything off. But he was wearing a fair amount of paraphernalia, and it took me a long time to get it all off him. Every time I came near him, he tried to attack me. I should have knocked him out; I almost slapped him twice, he was so hysterical. But I just couldn't. Finally I just let him kick, bite, scratch, whatever.

"I got the helmet off him along with all its wires. I'd already done the embedded wires in the back. Then I made the mistake of taking down the lines to the ceiling. If I'd left either the feet or the neck, he probably would've stayed put. It didn't occur to me that he had that much energy left. But as soon as he was loose, he launched himself off that table, ripping the IV's out as he went, and tackled me to the floor. What followed was a bit of a circus. I didn't want to hurt him; he had no such compunction. But he could neither see nor hear, and he was still wearing handcuffs and leg manacles too. I finally got him pinned, picked him up, carried him down to Room E, and locked him in.

"Two hours later, with the monitor showing him quiet, I tried again. As soon as I walked in, he backed into the farthest corner. I don't know how he knew I was there, but he did. The closer I got, the more terrified he looked. I expected him to kick me, but he didn't. He just sat there, every muscle rigid. I put a hand on his knee. He flinched, shuddered, and began to shake, but he still didn't kick. So I slowly reached for his head and managed to take off the head device.

"I don't have that quietly encouraging voice he can turn on at will, so I just told him to lie down and I would take off the face mask. He did, still shaking and flinching at every touch. He let me take off the handcuffs and leg manacles too. Then I left him for another hour, hoping his eyes would adjust. When I came back, his eyes were open, so I asked him if he could see. He nodded, but didn't speak. I had brought him some juice, but he wouldn't take it. So I left it on the floor, and he drank it after I left.

"An hour later, I came back and told him if he got his act together, he could leave. To prove it, he would have to come down to Room A on his own initiative, and stand still while I removed the leads. Then he would have to sit with me in Room C and eat a meal. If he could do those two things without acting as if he was terrified, I would let him go. Took him two hours, but he managed it. Which is to say, he stopped shaking, only flinched twice, and ate the food I gave him. But he never said a word, and the fear was still obvious in his eyes.

"So what he's doing now is markedly better, and I expected it to be worse. Can you account for that, Kirk?"

"Time, distance, and proximity to you."

"So the fear is specific to me?"

"Not entirely, but it's ten times worse with you."

"So Konti could touch you?"

"Koh, save the experiments for the lab."

"Konti won't be there."

"All right, on one condition: so far, you've told the facts. I want you to tell Konti how you feel about all this. Let him help you heal."

"And what about you?"

"We can talk about me later."

"Okay, you've got a deal, provided you do what I tell you to. If you can't do it, the deal's off."

"Understood."

"Konti, sit on the floor facing Kirk, please. Kirk, how does this make you feel?"

"Threatened. I want to back up."

"Don't. Take a deep breath and look Konti in the eye. Konti, what do you see?"

"It's not a full-blown panic, but a definite wariness."

"Okay. Kirk, put your hands on your knees, palms up, open and relaxed."

"You don't ask much."

It took several minutes, but Kirk forced himself to obey.

"Good. Now take your eyes off those hands and look at Konti. What do you see now, Konti?"

"Higher level of anxiety to be sure, but still not panic. Definite presence of that iron will you say is shattered. And this can't be, but he's laughing. Kirk, you can't think this is funny!"

"But it is. It's absolutely ridiculous to be afraid of this, but I am, so that makes me ridiculous."

"All right, Kirk. Close your eyes."

Kirk shuddered involuntarily, but obeyed.

"From this point on, Kirk, not a twitch, or the deal's off. Konti, touch one finger. Doesn't matter which one."

Konti slowly reached out and touched the ring finger of the right hand. Absolutely no reaction.

"Do it again." Still no reaction.

"Three or four more." No response.

"The palm of one hand." "The bottom of one foot." "Someplace else."

Konti chose the center of the forehead, above the brand, where he made a small cross. Kirk remained rock-steady throughout.

"You win, Kirk. Congratulations. Thank you, Konti. Experiment's over. I will now pay up what I owe."

Konti returned to his chair. Kirk smiled and visibly relaxed.

"But first, let me say two things about this. If it had been my finger instead of yours, Kirk would have been climbing the walls by now. I know that's hard to believe, because you haven't seen it, but trust me, it's true. Secondly, and I didn't want you to know this ahead of time, but each touch was physically painful. Kirk's nervous system has been so traumatized that any touch hurts. Am I right, Kirk?"

"Yes."

"He must want you to talk badly."

"He does. I don't think he would have done it just for himself."

"No, I wouldn't have. But I will now. I've just had a powerful demonstration of the fact that the will gets stronger with use. Koh, if you will put off sharing a little longer, I would like to do this again, with you this time. And you can change the rules at your discretion."

"You invite me to push you?! Why?"

"Koh, I don't want to be afraid of you."

"But - Carte blanche? No strings? Anything I want?!"

Kirk shuddered, swallowed convulsively, and nodded.

"Not good enough. It's got to be an audible assent."

Kirk swallowed twice more before he got out the one word, "Yes." It was soft, but clear. He meant it.

"But Kirk! You're terrified! How can you say 'yes' to such a thing?"

Kirk did not reply, so Konti answered for him.

"Koh, he trusts you. He's doing the same thing he did after the mindsifter: correcting the deficiency just as fast as he can."

"But how can he trust me if he's afraid of me?"

"I don't know, but he does."

"All right, I'll do it. Kirk, I wasn't going to ask for this, because it's too much. But this is what I want: we do this twice; first time, you don't try to control it. I want Konti to see what it looks like. Then after you pull yourself together, we do it again. Second time, you can exert all the willpower you can muster. Still willing?"

To Kirk, it sounded like a recipe for disaster, but he was already committed. But Koh was waiting for another audible assent. He managed a 'yes' without having to swallow first. Progress in very small steps was still progress.

Koh stood up and took a step towards Kirk, who scrambled to his feet and backed up two steps. Koh took another step; Kirk backed three. In this way, they eventually ended up in the far corner of the back room. Kirk could go no farther. As Koh moved closer, Kirk plastered himself against the wall and sank to the floor, trying to make himself as small as possible. Eyes wide with fright, Kirk was shaking.

Koh knelt in front of him, and slowly placed his hands on Kirk's knees. Kirk flinched, but did not cry out.

"Does this actually hurt?" Kirk nodded.

"Give me your hand."

Kirk shook his head. Koh reached to take it anyway. Kirk tried to shrink from him, but there was nowhere to go. Koh grabbed Kirk's wrist and pulled his hand up to rest on the knee.

"Does your wrist hurt?" Kirk nodded.

"Does your knee hurt with your own hand on it?" Kirk shook his head.

Koh removed both hands and put them behind his back.

"Konti, grab my wrists and don't let go. Okay, Kirk, I can't possibly touch you now. Does that decrease your fear of me?"

Kirk shook his head.

"So it's more than the pain itself. You're afraid of me as a person."

Kirk nodded.

"Okay. Thank you, Konti. That's all for now. Kirk, come back when you can."

Koh and Konti returned to their chairs in the main room.

"So you see what we're dealing with, Konti. I have no idea how to cope with this. It just makes me sick inside."

"Kirk will conquer it if you let him. Just give it time. Meanwhile, it'll be easier for him if you can ignore it and act normally."

"I don't know what normal is any more."

"Normal is what you were doing when I was on the floor with Kirk. Calmly and cheerfully giving instructions, expecting compliance. Kirk responded with laughter as he forced himself to obey you. That's normal."

Kirk walked in and sat on the floor in his usual place. He appeared calm and in control. His face wore a slight smile as he turned his gaze first on Konti, then on Koh.

"Kirk! That was less than five minutes! How did you do that?"

"It was much easier than this morning. I suppose because I never lost touch with coherent thought. So I'm ready for round two whenever you are."

"Okay. How difficult do you want me to make this?"

"That is for you to decide."

Konti chuckled. "I told you he trusts you."

Kirk smiled briefly and did not deny it.

"All right. On your feet. Stand there, in the middle of the room. Hands out in front, palms open. Close your eyes. Now talk to me. How does this position make you feel?"

"Vulnerable. The instinct for flight is almost irresistible. So is the urge to make these hands into fists. Nearly impossible to keep my eyes closed. And it will get a lot worse when I hear you approach."

"Ask me to come."

Kirk took a deep breath. "Koh, please come here."

Koh did, and stood directly in front of Kirk.

"Well, did it?"

"Yes, but this repeated audible consent is almost as bad, though different."

"Pick a number."

"Seven."

"Double it."

"Fourteen."

"Double it again."

"Twenty-eight."

"Now, you will choose how many times I will touch you: seven, fourteen, or twenty-eight. And ask me to do it."

Kirk took two deep breaths. "Koh, please touch me twenty-eight times."

So Koh did: fingers, hands, arms, face, neck, chest.

Kirk did not try to count them. Each touch felt like cold fire. You asked for this, he told himself firmly. And I will keep asking for it until I no longer fear it, or him. He let the pain wash over him, accepting it as was his habit. Suddenly he realized Koh was speaking.

"Talk to me. What did that feel like? Tell me about the fear, and the iron will that you obviously have resurrected."

"It felt like tongues of cold fire. But it flowed, almost like rain, or maybe a waterfall. Not very good images, but the best I can come up with right now. I wasn't really paying attention. I was thinking about how to conquer the fear. It's definitely no worse, maybe marginally better. But what makes you think I still have an iron will?"

"Because you haven't moved since I told you to close your eyes. No shaking, shuddering, flinching, twitching, none of that. Your breathing is calm, your body relaxed, your voice shows no sign of stress. In short, exactly what I would expect as normal, until today."

"Well, maybe some of that is a result of willpower, but a lot of it is simply habit."

"Do you fear the pain then?"

"Not while it's happening."

"You said several months ago that I had gentle hands. Do you still think so?"

"Yes, definitely."

"Do you fear the hands?"

"Touch me." Koh put a hand on Kirk's chest.

"Leave it there." Long pause. "Anticipation is everything. Without much time to consider, very little fear builds up. But if you started from across the room, it would be very different. Once you're actually touching me, the fear is gone. There is pain, but it's not getting any worse, at least not so far."

Koh removed his hand. "Is it still difficult to keep your eyes closed?"

"No. I haven't thought about it since you came over here. Again, that might be very different if you started from across the room."

"Do you still want to run away? Or attack me?"

"The fists were not for attack, only defense. I'm surprised; neither instinct seems as overwhelming as it was. Must be the fear is not as strong when I'm not letting it control me."

"All right. Open your eyes. Is the fear better or worse if you can see me?"

"Worse. Adding the visual element makes you more intimidating, I guess. I'm sorry, Koh, it's not rational."

Koh turned away and returned to his chair. Kirk followed, at a distance. Arriving at his customary spot on the floor, he purposefully took one step closer to Koh before seating himself. Konti saw it and smiled at him. Koh did not appear to notice.

"Well, rational or not, we've got to deal with the reality. And I have no idea how. You can't possibly come to the lab and willingly put up with all the things I do to you. And even if you could, I don't think I could stand it."

"Would you rather I run away, get caught, and thrown into a prison cell, or maybe killed on the spot?"

"No, you know I don't want that."

"Then get Konti to kill me right now."

"No! Kirk, be reasonable."

"I am being reasonable. Those are the only alternatives I see. Am I missing something?" Kirk spread his arms and shrugged.

"He's got a point, Koh. You don't really have any choice. I don't like it either, but if Kirk can force himself to keep going, then he obviously prefers it to death. But Kirk, I want you to remember this: if you get to the point of preferring death, come to me and I will do for you what you ask."

"Thank you, Konti. I hope it won't come to that, but I appreciate your offer, and what it would cost you to do that."

"Kirk, did you want to die in the middle of all that yesterday?" Koh asked.

"No, I don't think so. But I thought we were going to talk about you. 'I can't stand it' isn't very descriptive, even if I know what you mean. What exactly can't you stand?"

"I can't stand the fact that you're afraid of me. I can't stand the thought of hours in that lab, chasing you until I have you cornered. And then inflicting more pain than you can stand, listening to you sob and scream, and having to pretend I don't care. And then coming back and doing it all over again. Until either you die, go mad, or run away.

"The inspectors aren't going to give up. They have nothing to lose. The only bright spot in the whole thing is I told them it would be at least a week and maybe a month before I could get you in that state again, if it was even possible at all. They merely said to keep them informed."

"And is that what you really think, or were you just trying to buy us some time?"

"I was mostly buying time for me. I had no idea that you would ever again be coherent enough to talk to me. I gave them some gobbledy-gook about the nervous system, and the delicate balance of variables affecting this situation that I didn't know could be duplicated. The fact is, I knew I couldn't do a repeat of the wires in the back any time soon. It requires rock-steady hands, which I don't have right now. I'm too rattled.

"As for what I really think, I have no idea what to expect. On the one hand, every new thing I've done to you, the second time I try it has less effect simply because it's no longer new. On the other hand, your system is so traumatized that you may not be able to tolerate even a small portion of what I usually do to you."

"Koh, there's nothing I can do about your having to pretend you don't care, except to assure you that I know you do care. You care too much for your own good, and it's my fault. I have tried to be a friend to you, instead of keeping my distance so you could keep yours. But I am not sorry, and I don't think you are either.

"I can't do anything about the fact that we have to keep doing this over and over again, except to keep looking for the humor in the situation."

"Humor! You've got to be kidding!"

"I'm absolutely serious. There's humor to be found in the most unlikely places, and I will search diligently for the precious gift that it is. And if there's no ban on communication, you will know when I find it.

"There's probably nothing I can do about the sobbing and screaming, since by definition, I'm completely out-of-control by then. But there is one thing I can do something about, and that's the fear. If you will work with me on it, the fear can be conquered. I am sure of it. In any event, I want to thank you for showing me that my willpower is merely damaged, not mortally wounded."

"You're quite welcome, but I knew this morning that your willpower was functioning. If it hadn't been, you would still be sobbing in that lab, and cowering every time I came near you. And yes, I will help you conquer the fear if I can. But I have a couple of questions. First, you wanted me to cheerfully disregard the cost to you of what I do. You don't still expect that, do you?"

"Expect is maybe not the right word. I still want it though. If I can conquer the fear, will you try?"

"I have no idea how to try, but I'm willing, for whatever that's worth. The other question is complicated. You said you would not hate me, no matter what happened. And I believe that you don't. But- I'm not even sure what I'm trying to ask you."

"Just talk. Maybe the question will emerge."

"Several of the things I did to you were brand-new, not things we'd talked about. The stuff we talked about was just foundational - background, as it were. If I was really going to break you, I needed several completely new elements that were really awful, and I had to make them all happen at once. And it worked.

"You said you didn't care, but how could you not care? Why don't you hate me? After saying I didn't want you to fall apart, I did my very best to make it happen, and I succeeded. And as a result, you're an absolute mess! But you don't seem to think there's anything terribly wrong that can't be fixed. When I look into your eyes, there's no sense of having been betrayed. There's no anger. No need to place blame on anyone, least of all me.

"I don't know if you can find a question in there that you can answer, but talk to me anyway."

"Koh, if anyone is to blame for this, it's me. I told you to do this. I didn't want you to be afraid of it. I wanted to show you that it was not the catastrophe you thought. And I still don't think it is, though I'll admit, this morning I wasn't so sure. Even then, however, I was not angry. The idea of betrayal never entered my thinking. Do you think that because I attacked you?"

"No. I think that was a drug-induced reaction. This is more a basic response to the whole thing."

"Why would I associate betrayal with something I had asked you to do?"

"Maybe it's more what I feel. I haven't been true to the way I feel. I didn't want to do this, but I did it anyway. So I feel as if I have betrayed my true feelings. And seeing the results has made it worse. It makes me sick, and I despise myself."

"Koh, you don't need to despise yourself for doing what you had to, in spite of your feelings about it."

"But I didn't have to do it."

"What was the alternative?"

"Continue to mess around with stuff I already knew you could take. Essentially just putting in our time."

"Koh, that is unsatisfactory and you know it. Korn wouldn't put up with that for more than a day or two. But more important, you yourself couldn't do that. You demand excellence from yourself and nothing less will do. You might refuse to continue, but you will never tolerate sloppy work.

"Koh, listen to me. I'm sorry it was so awful. It was worse than I expected. I forgot that anything bad enough to really break me would have to be magnitudes worse than anything that had gone before. But as awful as it was, I am not sorry you did it. I've known and accepted from the beginning that it was your job to break me, and I am not sorry you succeeded. And just because it was magnitudes worse than I expected does not change the fact that nothing very catastrophic has happened. We have some damage control to see to, but the ship is not fatally wounded. And the same will be true, no matter how many times you push me over the edge. If you don't physically kill me, I will recover."

"He's right, Koh. Kirk can recover from anything. He's proved it more than once."

"But if I drive you over the edge without giving you enough time to recover, eventually you'll be unable to climb out at all," Koh protested.

"But you will. Remember their goal is to get me to talk, not kill me. Anticipation is everything, so you drive me crazy with fear of it, until I'm not afraid. Then of course, you have to do it again, just a little worse than the last time. But recovery time is built in. And if I'm too incoherent to know what's going on, you just give me more recovery time.

"Granted, when this does not produce the desired results, they will eventually force you to shorten the recovery time. But when they do that, they are admitting defeat, and just trying to prolong my death. Anyway, that should take a while. The mindsifter will probably interrupt the program, and who knows what else may come along to change things."

"So it's in your best interests to stay afraid as long as possible."

"If my goal were avoidance of pain, yes. But then my goal would be to avoid fear as well, since fear has its own kind of pain. But my goal has never been avoidance of pain. I will banish the fear if I can, because of what it does to you, even knowing what you will have to do when I succeed."

"I would rather live with the fear than have to do this again."

"Koh, you're going to have to do it again, probably many times. The only question is how soon. Better for you to accept it now. And if you're honest with yourself, you hate the fear as much as any of the rest of it."

"How come you know me so well?"

"We've been working closely together now for months. Transparency is contagious." He grinned. "And you're not sorry either."

"All right Kirk, you win. I have to go soon. Some preparation time before you get there. Konti, sorry to spend the whole evening talking shop, so to speak."

"Quite all right. I'm available whenever you need to talk."

"Kirk, if you want, I can take a few more minutes to play your little game again, before I go."

Without hesitation, Kirk replied, "Yes. I would like that."

The fear was definitely under control. As soon as Koh stood up, however, Kirk had to fight down a major panic attack. Koh saw it in his face and rigid body.

"I thought that reply seemed a little too easy."

They spent about twenty minutes. Koh played with Kirk's mind, keeping him guessing, trying to drive him crazy with fear. Konti sensed that Koh was doing exactly what Kirk wanted him to, but Kirk was working too hard to comment. When they were finished, all he said was, "Thank you, Koh. I'll see you at midnight, and that's a promise."

After Koh left, Kirk and Konti discussed the translation work. Konti had managed to acquire a copy of the book of John in Standard. They discussed most of the first chapter before it was time for Kirk to go. He had purposely delayed his departure, so that he would have to jog non-stop all the way there in order to arrive on time. He didn't want any extra time for pondering tonight. The principal task was to get there. What happened after that, he would not let himself think about.