36.1 Roland
Roland put his bedroll and few personal belongings inside his tent. The last few days had been trying. Kathryn had ended their relationship, saying that while she cared for him and always would, this… with him... wasn't what she wanted. It was hard for him to believe it had happened, difficult for him to accept and nearly impossible for him to understand. He respected her decision, he had no choice, but it still hurt more than he ever would have thought.
It just seemed so perfect, a tale for the bards. They had grown up together, fallen in love, he had gladly risked death so that she could escape and now they had a chance to finally be together… and it wasn't what she wanted. Not that he wanted her to stay with him because of their past or out of some misguided sense of gratitude or even guilt. He wanted her to stay because of him, because she cared for him, but all that… should count for something.
He could not believe that she would choose someone else. He wasn't sure if that made it better or worse. In a way he felt that he had lost her to him, like it was some sort of competition, which he knew it wasn't. He felt he could be the person she wanted if he had known, if she had given him the chance. Of course, while it may be true that he could be that person, the fact was Alistair already was that person. Besides Roland wanted to be loved for who he was. He shouldn't have to be someone else, but that didn't get him Kathryn back.
It was difficult to watch them together. Not that they were indiscreet or even overly demonstrative or anything like that, in fact, that might be better. No, to see the looks and touches, see the smiles and all the other little things they shared. Things that he and she hadn't. Each one of those little things felt like a stab to his heart.
He had seen all the signs but simply couldn't comprehend that he could lose her. He had seen how the two of them had talked and laughed together, how they fought and communicated, how they had danced. He had thought that she wasn't acting the way she should be, not showing their relationship and him the proper respect. In truth, what had bothered him was that she wasn't acting like someone in love, at least not like someone in love with him.
He had thought that she was the reason he had survived and now he felt somewhat lost. But there was still the blight to contend with and while he was not an actual Grey Warden, he had been recruited into the order and if they failed in their mission, none of this would matter. He could still contribute. He could still fight.
Kathryn walked up to him. "Get ready. I need you to come with me to investigate the village. Alistair is also coming. That's not going to be a problem, is it?"
"No." Roland said.
"Good. We leave soon." Kathryn said and then walked away.
36.2 Alistair
Alistair looked up the mountain. They were heading for the small trails of smoke that indicated a village. The trip wasn't easy. The path at times became only wide enough for one person to go at a time and meandered back and forth.
He wasn't upset that Roland had come with them. In fact, it was a good thing, for if the attack at the tavern by Lake Calenhad had been any indication, whoever they were likely to meet were violent and heavily armed. They needed him. However, he also knew that right now he wasn't Roland's favorite person. Roland was a good man and a professional soldier. He was aware that stopping the civil war and the blight was much more important than their personal quarrels but Roland was human and Alistair figured he should keep that fact in mind.
Alistair looked over at Wynne. He kept checking on her making sure she didn't need any help. She was not a young woman and the trail was not the easiest. As he glanced over, he noticed that she was smiling.
"Why are you smiling like that?" Alistair asked Wynne. "You look suspiciously like the cat who swallowed the pigeon."
"Canary." Wynne said softly.
"What?" Alistair said confused.
"I look like the cat that swallowed the canary." Wynne said, not answering his question.
"I once had a very large cat, but that's not my point. My point is why are you smirking?" He asked a bit warily.
Wynne chuckled and said with more than a note of teasing. "You were watching her. With great interest, I might add. In fact, I believe you were... enraptured."
"She's our leader. I look to her for guidance." Alistair said slightly defensive, since he had been looking… a little.
"Oh, I see." She said not buying it at all. "So what guidance did you find in those swaying hips, hmm?" She asked.
"No no no, I wasn't looking at... you know her... hind-quarters." He said embarrassed since he had been looking, but he couldn't believe she had noticed that.
"Certainly." She replied very amused by Alistair's embarrassment.
"I gazed... glanced, in that direction, maybe, but I wasn't staring... or really seeing anything even." He said mortified. He realized he wasn't in fact helping the situation by trying to explain and decided to be quiet.
"Of course." She said even more amused.
"I hate you. You're a bad person." He replied sulking and keeping his eyes fixed on the ground.
36.3 Kathryn
Kathryn held her breath as they slowly, calmly and quietly walked past the high dragon on the mountain top. They had found Brother Genitiviti and learned that the Ashes were held in the temple up the mountain. They had fought their way through the cultists until they found their leader, a fanatic who thought that the dragon was the reincarnation of Andraste. They were forced into a confrontation and defeated him.
They had emerged from the temple to the mountain top and seen the dragon in question and were now carefully making their way past it to a different part of the temple. She was finally able to breathe once they were inside again. This part looked different than the rest. As they turned the corner they saw a man standing in front of the doorway.
"I bid you welcome, pilgrim." The man said with a voice that echoed in the chamber.
"Who are you?" Kathryn asked.
"I am the Guardian, the protector of the Urn of Sacred Ashes. It has been my duty, my life, to protect the Urn and prepare the way for the faithful who come to revere Andraste. I am all that remains of the first disciples." The Guardian said.
"How is it possible you have lived so long?" Kathryn asked.
"I made a vow, to Andraste and to the Maker. My life is tied to the Ashes. As long as they remain, so will I. For years beyond counting have I been here, and shall I remain until my task is done and the Imperium has crumbled into the sea." He replied.
"The Imperium is no longer as powerful as it once was." She told him.
"Ah… is it not? Then perhaps this is the beginning of the end…" He said wearily.
"I am here for the Urn of Sacred Ashes." Kathryn said.
"You have come to honor Andraste, and you shall, if you prove yourself worthy." He said.
"So how do I prove that I am worthy to you?" She asked.
"It is not my place to decide your worthiness. The Gauntlet does that. If you are found worthy, you will see the Urn and be allowed to take a small pinch of the Ashes for yourself. If not…" He said.
"What is the Gauntlet?" She asked.
"The Gauntlet tell the true pilgrims from the false. You will undergo four tests of faith, and we shall see how your soul fares." He said.
"Very well. We will enter the Gauntlet." She said, not like they had much of a choice at this point.
"Before you go, there is something I must ask." The Guardian said. "I see that the path that led you here was not easy. There is suffering in your past – your suffering, and the suffering of others." He looked at her, seemingly through her for a moment and then continued. "You abandoned your father and mother, leaving them in the hands of Rendon Howe, knowing he would show no mercy. Do you think you failed your parents?" He asked.
She took a deep breath. She didn't want to answer him, to admit out loud what she thought but being silent would prove nothing since he already knew her answer and they had come too far to risk being turned away. "I… know I failed them." She said. "But not then. If I would have stayed, it would have accomplished nothing, except that I would also be dead. They wanted me to live, insisted that I go, to warn Fergus, to get vengeance for those who died, to fight the blight. There was nothing I could have done then, but…" She looked down and swallowed hard. "I should have known something was wrong. There were signs. I should have figured it out… but I was so disappointed that I was being left behind..." She stopped lost in memory and regret. "Even if I couldn't have stopped the attack… I could have saved them, if I had only realized what was going on sooner."
"Thank you. That is all I wished to know." The Guardian said.
"You are too hard on yourself." She heard Alistair say to her. "No one's perfect. I know you think you should be, that you should know everything, be smarter and better than everyone else, but you're not, at least you can't be all the time and you can't blame yourself for what happened because you're not."
"And what of those that follow you?" The Guardian said. "Alistair, knight and Warden… you wonder if things would have been different if you were with Duncan on the battlefield. You could have shielded him from the killing blow. You wonder, don't you, if you should have died, and not him?"
"I… yes." Alistair said. "If Duncan had been saved, and not me, everything would be better. If I'd just had the chance, maybe…"
"You can't think that! That... you should have... died!" Kathryn said incredulous.
"I don't think, I... I know that's true and so do you. If he were here instead of... things would be better." Alistair said.
"No, I..." She glared at the Guardian and then turned back to Alistair. "Even if… that isn't how it works, you don't just trade your life for his. If you had been on the battlefield, then you would be dead as well. You couldn't have saved him. There was nothing you could have done." She replied.
"You don't know that." Alistair said.
"Don't I? None of them survived. Don't you think that once they saw the battle was lost they would have escaped to continue the fight, that they would have saved Duncan if they could have?" Kathryn said. Alistair looked away. "They got caught in the trap meant to kill Cailan, there was nothing anyone could have done. If Cailan hadn't insisted that you and I go to the tower we'd be dead too."
"If Cailan..." Alistair said.
"Ask your question, Guardian. I am ready." Wynne said.
"You are ever the adviser, ready with a word of wisdom. Do you wonder if you spout only platitudes, burned into your mind in the distant past? Perhaps you are only a tool used to spread the word of the Circle and the Chantry. Does doubt ever chip away at your truths?" The Guardian asked.
"You frame the statement in the form of a question, yet you already know our answers. There is no sense in hiding, is there? Yes. I do doubt at times. Only the fool is completely certain of himself." Wynne said.
"Roland Gilmore, Knight of Highever… You wonder if the deaths of those you were sworn to protect were due to your own carelessness? You question why you survived when those you would give your life for died instead?"
"That's enough!" Kathryn said. "He did all that could be asked of anyone! Whoever is to blame it isn't…"
"It's all right, Kathryn." Roland said and then turned back to the Guardian. "Yes, I wonder if somehow something I did or didn't do allowed the attack to happen and if somehow I could have prevented their deaths, if I could have saved them. I don't understand why I survived but I trust the Maker has a purpose for me."
"The way is open. Good luck, and may you find what you seek." The Guardian said and disappeared.
36.4 Wynne
Wynne was glad that was over, having someone peer into your heart and mind was too unsettling. After the Guardian disappeared, they entered the first room. Along the walls were apparitions, ghostly figures that turned out to be those from the life and death of Andraste each with a riddle for them to solve.
Once they had correctly answered them all, the door at the other end of the room opened. Through the doorway there was a man standing there, facing away from them. As they approached, he turned around. Wynne could see he was an older man, about her age, still strong in body, mind and spirit with a presence about him. One that commanded respect and even obedience but was also warm and gracious and bespoke of a quiet strength. There was something familiar about him, then Wynne realized where she had felt that same sort of presence before.
"My dearest child…" The man said, his voice weary and filled with sadness.
"Father?" Kathryn said, surprised and wary but hopeful.
"You know that I am gone, and all your prayers and wishes will not bring me back." The apparition of Teyrn Cousland said and smiled sadly at Kathryn. "Pup… I know you miss me, but no more must you grieve, my girl. Take the pain and the guilt, acknowledge it, and let go. It is time." He said soft but firm.
"You have such a long road ahead of you, and you must be prepared. Set your eyes on the horizon, do not look back, and do not falter." He said resolute. He smiled at her and then took her hand and put something into it and then held her hand in both of his. "I leave this is your hands… I know you will do great things with it." He smiled sadly at her, reaching up and brushing a stray hair from her forehead. "Now go, and carry with you all my love." He leaned forward and kissed her on the forehead and then he was gone.
Kathryn stood for a moment with her eyes still closed and then opened them and looked in her hand at the amulet the apparition had placed there. She swallowed hard and looked up to the ceiling, blinking her eyes, breathing hard and fighting to maintain her composure.
Wynne could barely imagine what Kathryn must be going through. She looked over to where Alistair was. She could tell that Alistair wanted to comfort her, but he was unsure as to what to do. This was what Wynne had been afraid of. For while they may care about each other, they were too young and immature to be able to help and support the other through all they would have to face. Roland knew her better and no doubt would know what to say to help her through this.
She regretted saying anything to Kathryn about her relationship with Alistair for given how that had gone, Kathryn would be unlikely to accept comfort from her now, even though she needed it. She was about to gently suggest that Roland say something to her when Alistair approached Kathryn. He waited till she looked at him and then he smiled at her, reaching up to touch her face, brushing her cheek with his thumb or perhaps wiping away a tear. She reached up and took his hand and pressed it to her lips. She took a couple deep breaths and regained enough of her composure to give a weak smile to him. She nodded and they began walking to the next room.
Wynne was… surprised to say the least. She had not expected that, not imagined them to be capable of anything like it. Apparently, Alistair didn't need to know what to say to her, for he had not needed to say anything. It was a tender and beautiful moment between them, a powerful and healing one. Wynne was affected by it despite herself. She had thought they would be like the apprentices at the tower, children playing at emotions they didn't understand, but perhaps that was not the proper analogy. Perhaps she had misjudged them, perhaps… she was wrong.
36.5 Alistair, Kathryn & Roland
The four of them walked into the next room. Four ghostly being ran towards them weapons drawn, two male warriors, a female rogue and a female mage. As they got closer, they seemed very familiar.
"What in the Maker's name!" Roland said as he drew his sword.
"It's… they are… us!" Alistair said as he got set for the attack.
"How are we supposed to defeat ourselves?" Roland said.
"I think that is the point." Wynne said. "We need to figure that out and quickly."
Kathryn looked at the visions of them. This was a test, she told herself, there was a trick to this, and if they were to survive they had to figure out what it was. She looked at the vision of Alistair and then at the man before her. The vision was different. It looked younger somehow. It did look like him but not as he was now, it looked like Alistair... had when she met him at Ostagar. She looked to the apparition of Roland and saw that it didn't have the scar on it's forehead. These weren't them as they were now, but as they were before all this began. Her and Roland before the attack. Alistair and Wynne before the battle. None of them were the same person they were then, and that was how they would win by understanding how much they had changed.
Kathryn yelled out. "It isn't us!"
"They sure look like us." Alistair said as the ghost figures got closer.
"But us from before. We are different now, better. That's how we beat them!" She said.
Alistair looked at the specter of himself and saw the truth of what she had said. Not only was his hair longer but he had a different look about him, carried himself differently, felt different now. He knew he had changed in the time since Ostagar but he hadn't been aware how much. Looking at the person he had been not a year ago, he realized that he liked the change in him, that he liked the person he was turning into. But he also realized that this being, this version of himself was still with him, still lurking in the deep corners of his mind and heart, still holding on to fears and doubt and still whispering those to him. He hadn't changed completely, he could fall back to that if he wasn't careful. He was becoming someone, perhaps even the person he wanted to be but he wasn't there yet.
Roland looked at the apparition of himself. It didn't have the scar he bore from the attack, true, but the difference was much more than that. It was the look in the eyes. This being was still full of ideals, of belief, of innocence, of hope and of life. He could barely remember how that felt. It had not experienced the pain he now felt, did not even know it was possible. It had not experienced the sorrow and loss he had and it did not bear those scars either. It was nearly painful to look at it and realize the man he was now and know he would never be that man again.
Kathryn looked with something akin to pity at the vision of the girl she was, knowing all that child would have to face and how ill prepared she was for it. But it is said the hardest, sharpest steel is made by the most intense fire. She knew that she could never go back to that person, to that life, she had changed too much. Looking at the apparition, it didn't feel like looking at a version of herself but at another person entirely. She understood that Father was right, as he always was… it was time to let go, set her eyes to the future and not look back, to embrace who she was and to do that she had to let this girl, the girl she had been, die.
"Alistair!" Kathryn yelled. "Wyn… Mage!"
Her voice shook Alistair out of his private thoughts and gave him a focus. "Right!" He replied as he smited the ghostly Wynne.
Kathryn pulled out her bow, notched an arrow and leveled it at the specter of Wynne. One good shot should take care of her. This was something she couldn't have done before. As she aimed she saw the ghostly figures attack Alistair and Roland. She smiled as she saw that the apparition of Alistair had no chance against the real one. The specter had all of Alistair's talent and his nearly flawless technique and while the real Alistair had refined his skills, what made the difference was the boldness, daring, and aggressiveness Alistair displayed that the specter simply didn't possess. The ghost of her was no more than an annoyance to him. She let the arrow go knowing it would find its mark. She turned back and saw with concern that Roland was struggling against the apparition of himself. He had suffered after the battle but had long since recovered. Then she saw that it wasn't a lack of skill or strength. Roland was displaying a reluctance to fight his double, as though he did not have the heart to strike this version of himself.
"Roland, get on Ali… the templar! Keep him busy and don't let him touch Wynne!" She called out. "Alistair... the knight!"
Alistair bashed the specter of himself to the ground. He looked confused but turned and called out "On it." as he attacked the apparition of Roland. Roland backed away from the vision of himself as Alistair attacked it from the flank. The ghost of him turned to face Alistair as Roland turned and attacked the specter of Alistair. Her own double stayed on Alistair.
She ran up behind the shade of Roland and began attacking him. It weakening, its focus and concentration disturbed, then there was a opening and Alistair ran the apparition through. He turned quickly to face the shade of her, who had pulled out a bow and retreated to the other side of the room.
"Get her. Remember she hasn't met you." Kathryn said as she grabbed her bow. The apparition had Alistair in its sights and was already taking aim, but Kathryn was faster, with better aim and a steadier hand. She let the arrow fly before her double was ready to fire.
Kathryn dropped the bow and turned to see that Roland was starting to gain the upper hand on the specter of Alistair. Sword and shield has an advantage over two handed but Roland's skill had made up the difference. Kathryn knew Alistair, knew how he fought. She attacked. Roland was patient and waited for his chance and then ran his sword through the apparition with a powerful thrust.
Roland thought that being able to expend some of the frustration and anger he felt for the real Alistair against this shadow version, would make him feel better. But it didn't. For the thing about anger is that the more you expend on others the more there is. He knew Alistair was a good man, and an honorable one. His only fault was that he loved Kathryn and was willing to fight for her and for that he could hardly blame him, since he was just as guilty of that himself. And yet he still watched with not a small amount of animosity, as the specter fell to the ground, its eyes glass over and the life bleed out of it until the apparition disappeared.
Alistair rushed the shade of Kathryn staring down its drawn arrow, trusting that it would never get a chance to fire it and it didn't. He saw Kathryn's arrow hit the apparition, interrupting its shot and giving him time to get to it. He attacked. The Kathryn's double countered but he knew Kathryn better than this shadow did and much better than this specter knew him. And as Kathryn had said, there was something else, something that this version of Kathryn didn't know and he knew it didn't know. He attacked, letting it deflect his sword as he brought his hand up and punched the shade in the chest. The apparition couldn't defend against it and staggered back. He followed up the strike and countered the moves he knew Kathryn would make and then with only the slightest hesitation he ran it through.
He watched its face as he pulled the sword back, watched the expression of surprise, turn to one of pain, then of fear. He watched the life drain out of this shade of Kathryn, watched as a vacant stare came over its face, watched as the specter collapsed to the ground and then disappeared.