Author's Note: Sadly, most people don't seem to like the direction of the story with Ana trying to gain some independence. I won't change what I'd planned on writing since this is my vision and I already have the story mapped out, but I will go ahead and just wrap it up as soon as I can. Thank you MissG90, Hopelessshay, VRB Mariposa, Twinder, danielleduhon, jm263 and everyone for your awesome support in what I'm trying to do with this story.
I really don't get why people hate Ana so much. I find it hilarious that Christian cheats in half these fanfics and doesn't nearly get the same blowback that Ana does for daring to step foot outside her apartment. She's 19 and wanted to grab a pizza with a friend who happened to be a guy. I think some of the criticism is unhealthy given that no woman should be afraid of being seen with another man simply because her boyfriend would become upset. That's the early signs of emotional abuse. I know this is fanfiction but I sincerely hope people don't apply this kind of thinking to their real-life relationships.
Everyone of course is entitled to their own opinion but honestly, it's no fun getting a bunch of criticism when you write — it really drains your motivation — although I will finish this story for all the people who have loyally stuck with me. I truly appreciate your support and encouragement. Unfortunately, after this my fanfiction-writing days will be coming to an end. Real-life writing assignments, travel and marriage are making it very hard to keep doing this. If I have time though, I will probably switch fiction-writing sites because I think Fifty Shades is probably not the best forum for depicting strong, flawed women, which is what I prefer to write, but I will let everyone know where I go and I hope you all will continue to follow my work if you like it.
Thanks again everyone for reading and reviewing.
A simple slice of pizza had evolved into a few beers followed by a movie. Midway through the meal, Ana finally stopped checking her phone every three seconds to see if Christian had texted her. As she waged an internal battle on whether she should fess up and tell her estranged boyfriend where she was, Ana realized that she wasn't concentrating on a single word Ethan was saying. She also realized that she was enabling Christian's controlling behavior by constantly acquiescing to it. Ana thought back to her talk with Kate and whether she was "scared" to go against Christian's wishes.
The truth is I am scared. No, scratch that. I'm petrified, and that's no way to live my life — or have a relationship. I'm 19 and I feel like I'm drowning in issues that 39-year-old married couples deal with. If I want a future with Christian, I won't feed into this dysfunction that I'm some trophy he can lock away. It's time for him to accept that I need to live my own life if he wants to be a part of it.
So she put her head back in the game and began paying attention to her friend who was trying to explain the different theories of how ancient Egyptian engineering might've constructed the pyramids.
"How would they have put up the walkways to install those mega-ton bricks without cranes? Wouldn't the walkways collapse under the weight?" she inquired, surprising Ethan, who assumed she hadn't been listening to him.
The conversation flowed smoothly from there. Ethan and Ana discovered they both had a penchant for politics and for silly comedies, so they decided to check out the new Tina Fey-Amy Poehler flick "Sisters" after loading up on pizza and beer.
"Oh my gosh I loved it when they were trying on those outfits," Ana recalled, giggling as they strolled across the expansive campus lawn back to Kate's apartment after the movie had ended. It was an unseasonably warm winter night but only a few stragglers were out, so they took their time wandering the freshly manicured grounds, enjoying the serenity.
"What was that line? 'We need a little less Forever 21 and a little more Suddenly 42.' That was hilarious. Those girls are comic geniuses!" Ana raved.
"I know," Ethan chuckled. "They should do more movies together."
"I totally agree. It's hard — Hollywood is a man's world. I can't tell you how sick I am of seeing 50-year-old action heroes paired off with 25-year-old heroines. Actresses are now considered too old for a part when they're over 30! It's getting ridiculous!" Ana suddenly blushed, regretting her rant. "Sorry. I sound like a raging feminist. Ignore me."
"Why? You're right. Remember how they switched up the main female roles in the latest James Bond movie because they thought the original choice was too old, even though she was still younger than that guy who plays Bond. They subbed her with a 23-year-old. Gross. The dude's pushing retirement age and she was old enough to be his daughter."
"Amen! I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks that's weird. Don't get me wrong — I love guys on screen too. I thought that wrestler guy from 'Sisters' was a riot."
"Oh yeah. He was awesome. Remember when Tina Fey asked if he was ready for her? And his response was, 'My safe word is keep going.' That cracked me up!"
Ana frowned, the BDSM reference hitting a little too close to home. "And what about when that music box thing got stuck up the guy's … well, you know. He kept thinking the song would be over but then it kept playing and playing," Ana joked in an effort to steer clear of safe words and anything remotely related to Christian's former lifestyle.
They both cringed their noses in disgust — Ethan remembering the scene and Ana recalling Christian's submissives. Maybe a porcelain doll stuck up a guy's ass isn't exactly the visual you should be changing the subject with Steele.
"I also liked when they visited the two old friends who turned out to be lesbians," she quickly added. Stick with lesbians Ana. All guys like that. "And then Amy Poehler's character was telling her sister how she couldn't imagine being a lesbian because she could never … errr … eat … I mean, go down … I mean …" Shit, way to veer from one awkward scene to another. Epic fail!
"And then her sister said she could never be one either because then she'd have to actually talk to another woman," Ethan interjected, coming to Ana's rescue.
A beet-red Ana smiled in gratitude. "She's got a point I suppose. Women do have a tendency to overanalyze things." Myself included. "I envy men. Relationships are pretty black and white to them. They either like the girl or they don't. Women tend to add layers of grey onto everything," she mused, more so to herself.
"I hear you, but it's not always so simple for guys either. Love and relationships are intimidating for most men, no matter how much of a cocky front they put up. I for one haven't the faintest idea how to even approach the opposite sex, let alone have any kind of relationship with them," Ethan confessed, staring up at the constellation of stars in the cloudless evening sky.
You and me both. A maudlin reverie descended over both of them. Ana glanced at the silhouette of Ethan's chiseled jawline and unassuming eyes. In another world, she would've probably oogled over his good looks. She grinned. Or eye-fucked, as Christian so delicately puts it. Ethan is undeniably handsome — whoever ends up with him is one lucky girl — but Christian is hot. No, that's an understatement. He is molten-lava, sex-on-legs scorching hot.
Ana looked up at the same bright stars that had Ethan mesmerized. He's also burned me countless times. He used women. He lied about it. Then he got me to leave Harvard, move halfway across the country, and now he won't even let me have any kind of college experience.
Deep down, however, Ana still loved everything about Christian. She couldn't discard one part for another. It was a total package: his virile masculinity, his intelligence, his spontaneity, his sweetness, but also his irrational jealousy, explosive temper and deceptive nature. The question is whether that package will blow up in my face a few years from now?
Ana shook her head, stowing her doubts and refocusing on the moment. Stop analyzing everything to death and worrying about what everyone will think of you. For once in your life enjoy yourself Ana. It's ok to have some fun and put yourself first occasionally.
Ana took a deep, cleansing breath, savoring the stillness as they walked in companionable silence across the deserted campus lawn. It was the most relaxed she had felt in weeks. Ethan is a nice change of pace. I don't have to walk on eggshells to avoid pissing him off. He's everything Christian is not — cool-headed instead of hotheaded; straightforward; sane; humble; predictable. Hmmm, predictable. Not exactly the kind of attribute that gets a girl's panties in a twist, but I'll take it over crazy-ass unstable at this point. He's such a catch. Why in the world doesn't he see it?
"Why?" Ana boldly blurted out, voicing the unspoken question that had been nagging her ever since she met Ethan. "I mean, why are you so shy around women? You have no reason to be. You're a good-looking guy who's super smart and nice. You have nothing to be afraid of."
Ethan's breath hitched. He glanced down at the pavement, embarrassed yet flattered by Ana's observation.
"Shit, I'm so sorry Ethan," Ana stammered. "That was incredibly rude of me. I shouldn't be asking you personal stuff like that. Beer makes me blunt. It's absolutely none of my business. Please forget I said anything."
"No, no Ana. It's alright," Ethan sighed, turning to look at her, admiring her candor. Ana always said what was on her mind and never played games. It was refreshing. The least he could do was reciprocate.
"It's not a secret that I don't date much and have never had a girlfriend. I don't really know why. I don't have some deep-seated reason for it. I'm into building dams, fixing ovens, comic books, video games and pretty much any other dorky thing you can imagine. Those kind of hobbies didn't exactly impress the ladies back in high school."
"Well, let me tell you, being able to quote Shakespeare's 'Macbeth' or Thomas Hardy didn't exactly impress the fellas when I was growing up either," Ana laughed, breaking the tension.
"Yeah, I think it just takes some people longer to get the hang of the whole dating thing," Ethan commiserated. "Some people just have that natural confidence where they can walk into a room and own it. I'm not one of those people."
Ana instantly pictured Christian dominating a boardroom full of suits without a trace of hesitation or fear.
"Neither am I. Confidence and me have never been on speaking terms," Ana admitted. "I can't help it. I try to remind myself that everyone has insecurities and force myself to approach people, but it's hard to break out of that shell if you're just an inherently shy person. Outgoing people can't relate. It gets better, but I don't think it ever completely goes away."
"I agree. I also think a lot of guys mask their insecurities with false bravado — calling women bitches if they reject them, sleeping around and basically treating girls like crap. That's not really my style. I saw how my dad treated my mom, so I could never do that to a woman myself."
"I'm sorry," Ana mumbled, fidgeting with her fingers. "Kate has mentioned some of it to me, but we don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."
"No it's fine. My dad was a prick. It's no secret. He cheated on my mom left and right and treated her like shit whenever he was around," he shrugged nonchalantly, though his pain was palpable. "She was a housewife with no real career experience who was completely dependent on him financially. She was scared to be on her own — and he knew it and took advantage of that fear to basically do whatever the hell he wanted. She used to cry almost every night after we went to bed thinking we couldn't hear her."
"I'm sorry all of you had to go through that. My mom had a nasty husband too who didn't treat her well, or me for that matter," Ana shuddered, remembering the harsh beatings they both endured at the hands of husband number three. Ana never shared her secret with Christian, knowing he would invariably compare himself to that bastard. He was shattered after the belting incident, and she was determined not to pile onto his self-loathing. Ana always reminded herself that the punches and slaps she suffered as a girl were in no way related to the punishments Christian meted out on his submissives. Logically, she understood there was no comparison, but she couldn't deny that the more extreme aspects of BDSM left a vile taste in her mouth.
Ana's thoughts were interrupted by Ethan's sympathetic stare.
"Anyway," Ana cleared her throat. "She was finally able to leave him after Ray got me and gave her some assistance. He died two years later when he drove home drunk and slammed into a tree."
"Sorry," Ethan muttered out of obligation, not actual pity.
"I'm not," Ana admitted. "He was a poor excuse for a man. My mom eventually met a great guy and she's happy now."
"That's good. It took a long time for my mom too but when she finally got the nerve to leave my father, Kate and I were so immensely proud of her. I can't imagine having the courage to start from scratch at that age without any money or job skills to fall back on."
Ana smiled, detecting the obvious note of pride in Ethan's voice. "But she had you and Kate to help her, and obviously she was able to successfully start over. She remarried last year right?"
"Yep. I'm thrilled for her. She deserved a happy ending. He's a good guy."
"So are you Ethan. Don't ever doubt that. You'll get your happy ending too," Ana said encouragingly.
Ethan abruptly stopped, flustered but emboldened by her compliment. It was now or never. Before Ana could blink, she felt his lips on hers as both his hands cradled her face, his breath sealing over hers.
It was all a blur. Visions of Christian, of Ethan, of submissives and of the last few weeks assaulted her in a maelstrom of emotions. Her heart slammed like a freight train against her ribcage and her limbs grew weak, not from lust but from shock. She hadn't felt a man's lips other than Christian's since Bradley Parker tried to awkwardly slurp her mouth in the 10th grade while they rode on a roller-coaster together at the state fair.
A selfish part of her wanted to know what it felt like to be kissed by someone else — what all the hype was about. Could she have that same spark with someone else? Christian had sampled dozens of women. Would she go the rest of her life having essentially only kissed one man?
It felt like an eternity as she wrestled with her inner demons when in fact only a few milliseconds had passed. Ana stood rigid and unresponsive but when she offered no resistance, Ethan deepened the kiss, slipping his tongue inside as a low moan escaped him.
The haze of confusion dissipated and clarity came crashing down on her. No matter how curious she was or how much she liked Ethan, the fact is he wasn't Christian. And there was only one man she would ever want.
Ana tensed, slamming her lips shut and pushing Ethan off of her. Violent shudders racked her body as she gasped for breath, remorse flooding through her.
Ethan began frantically pacing around her, his balled fists rubbing his eyes.
"Jesus, I'm so sorry Ana. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. You opened up to me and look how I thanked you! Shit, shit, shit, I'm sorry, so sorry," Ethan practically wept, his body visibly shaking.
Ana closed her eyes to collect her thoughts before speaking. "Ethan, calm down, please. You're giving me a headache." He stopped his wild pacing and eyed her anxiously. "It was my fault too. I should never have done that. If I gave you the wrong impression, then I'm sorry. I was having a good time tonight, but I never meant to lead you on"
Ethan adamantly shook his head. "No Ana. I had absolutely no right to take advantage of you like that. You were just being nice and you made it very clear before that you only wanted to be friends, yet here I go ruining everything again," he said, his self-disgust on painful display.
"You didn't ruin anything," she consoled him, but kept her distance. "It takes two to tango Ethan. I don't really know how people normally handle this kind of situation so I'm just going to be perfectly honest. I think you're an amazing man, and maybe in another life, something could have happened between us — but not in this life. I love Christian. I always will. I know the two of us are in a fucked-up place right now, but there's no one I want to be with more than him. Nothing — and no one — will ever change that," she stressed, her tone unyielding.
"I understand Ana," Ethan mumbled, head bowed in shame. "I won't lie to you either. After that spectacle at the party, a part of me felt like he didn't deserve you. Forgive me for saying this, but he had no right to yell at you like that."
"No he didn't," Ana reluctantly conceded. "But I haven't always treated him with the respect he deserves either. Case in point being tonight. You saw an ugly side to him, but we all have ugly sides that we keep largely hidden. Besides, that's just a small sliver of his personality. The rest is absolutely amazing, and I wouldn't have him any other way."
In that moment, Ana realized the truth behind her own words. Both of them had issues they needed to work on, but for the first time she genuinely felt ready to work toward a future with Christian, because she accepted him wholeheartedly — the good, the bad and the ugly. He would forever be beautiful to her, inside and out. And if she wanted a future with him, it was time to accept his past.
It felt like the suffocating albatross that had hung around her neck for weeks had finally been lifted. She watched as Ethan nervously rocked on the balls of his feet, uncertainty written all over his face. Ana would deal with the fallout with Christian later. For now, it was time to set Ethan straight and go home.
"Ethan, I appreciate your concern, but Christian is a wonderful man who treats me like a queen. You're Kate's brother and I'd like to remain friends with you, but strictly friends. This will never, ever happen again. I'm in love with Christian, and if you can't accept that, then we need to part ways," she said sternly.
"I understand, and I'd like nothing more than to be friends with you," Ethan whispered, his voice choked in sorrow and regret. "I am so profoundly sorry for what I did. It won't happen again. I get the message, loud and clear. I won't disrespect your relationship with Christian ever again. I swear."
Ana saw the sincerity behind his vow and nodded. "Ok then. Let's both be adults and move past this. You ready to go home?"
"Yes," Ethan exhaled in relief. "Can I still walk you home?" he asked tentatively.
"Of course. Kate would kick your ass if you let me wander around campus at night alone," Ana smirked, trying to lighten the mood.
"Thanks Ana. I mean it. Thank you," he croaked out.
"You're welcome," she smiled brightly.
After a few minutes of small talk, they made it safely back to Kate's apartment complex, climbing the two flights of stairs in silence. Her nerves frayed, all Ana wanted to do was go home and soak in a long, hot bath. She felt naïve for being blind to Ethan's blatant crush on her, but she believed him that he wouldn't pull another stunt like this again. Regardless, my guard is now up and I won't be going for pizza with him any time soon. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice…
Ana chewed on her lip, her heart thudding uncontrollably at the dreadful thought of coming clean with Christian. I was a fool, a stupid, stupid-ass fool. He'll never forgive me. Maybe I deserve to be alone and miserable.
Ana's breathing grew ragged as pangs of guilt stabbed her. She continued to mentally berate herself, calling herself every derogatory name in the book.
"Hey, you alright?" Ethan asked, concerned when she slumped forward, clutching her chest and gasping for air.
"Yeah, yeah. Sorry. These stairs always make me winded," she lied.
"Ana, it's ok. Let yourself off the hook. You didn't do anything wrong tonight. It was all me. And regardless, people make mistakes. You're a teenager. Give yourself a break. It will all work out with Christian. He loves you," Ethan tried to comfort her, slowly guiding her up the stairs one by one. His hand hovered at her back to ensure she didn't fall but otherwise he was careful not to touch her.
Ana tried to concentrate on moving forward — both up the stairs and with Christian. Will it be alright? So much has gone wrong these last few weeks. She closed her eyes, devastated by how much her relationship had deteriorated in such a short space of time. It was a monster of a mistake, but what can I do now? All I can do is learn from it and pray he'll forgive me — in the same way I need to forgive him for his mistakes.
Ana inhaled, giving her lungs much-needed oxygen as she climbed the last step and gave Ethan a weak, reassuring smile. Mistakes build maturity Ana. Maybe you can both grow from this cluster-fuck of a situation. Christian's been fighting for you. Now it's your turn to fight for him. And that's exactly what I'll do. I refuse to give up on us, but I also refuse to beat myself up over this — or Christian for his past. We've both had enough beatings to last a lifetime.
A strange peace washed over her as she rounded the corner — until she saw Christian stooping down to leave a package on her doorstep.
Christian gradually rose to his full height, his jaw slack, the neatly wrapped package still in his hand. His posture hardened when he saw Ethan helping Ana down the hall. Their eyes locked and Ana froze, paralyzed by unadulterated fear. The only thing she could hear was Ethan's sharp intake of air beside her.
Ana knew her "mistake" with Ethan would never happen again. Because neither of them was going to live to ever see another day again.