500 Miles Hellfire 2
By Princess Alexandria
Raven woke to knocking but it didn't sound right. She grumbled a little as she got out of bed, noticing it was still dark and she hadn't been sleeping long. "What?" She asked as she was opening the door and noticed Rogue standing on the other side looking a little nervous.
"I asked her ya know." Rogue spoke quietly. "I asked her if she knew where you were and she lied to me. When you went missing I remembered how well you got along with my mama."
"That was Christy that talked with Mystique then." Raven sighed and opened the door rather than talk in the hall. "I was afraid of your mama, I was afraid of everyone, even Irene. I wasn't really at my best Rogue, it was a hard time for me." Rogue's eyes got a little wider for a moment. "Go ahead and have a seat." Raven sighed and moved to sit on the rumpled bed.
"Well, Irene was always a lot scarier than most people knew." Rogue smiled a little. "When I told her I was not gonna do my chores when I was twelve she became the scariest woman alive."
"Yeah, I bet." Raven smiled softly. "She had her moments." Her smile faded as she thought of the scariest Irene had been and realized it was right after Raven tried to kill herself. "She loved you so much." Raven spoke softly, remembering Irene's pain at not seeing Rogue again before she died, for thinking her daughter might have died first.
"She was my ma. Raised me up." Rogue went quiet for a little too long, but then this was an emotional topic. "Christy tried to tell me didn't she? Her saying to not let people tell me to not see my family cause Irene wouldn't always be there. She knew something."
"Yeah." Raven pulled her legs up onto the bed. "Irene didn't want to worry anyone, but she knew she was dying even then. She made me promise not to tell. That was hard."
"Why were you with my mama?" Rogue's tone was slightly accusing.
Raven just stared at Rogue, surprised that she felt any urge to answer that. "Mystique's an amazing woman Rogue and I have no regrets, none at all. It isn't like we went behind Irene's back, Irene was already gone when we started. And it isn't like Irene would have been upset, because I had her blessing. I respected her too much to try anything without it and Irene knew that. She knew I loved her like the mother I no longer had, the kind of mother I wish I had and you were lucky enough to have. She adopted me, took me in and cared for me. I would never have done anything to hurt her."
They spent some time talking about Irene, and Raven knew that it was just the less upsetting topic for Rogue but then talking with a parent's lover would be harder, so Rogue didn't talk to Raven like that was what she was. Raven told Rogue about Irene's illness, about her funeral, about her pride in Rogue and Rogue told a few stories about her childhood. Finally they both went quiet.
"Okay." The woman stood up. "I'm glad you're okay Raven." Rogue looked so lost and isolate and Raven moved closer, touched by Rogue's problem, and hugged her.
"She loved you so much." Raven whispered and let go.
Rogue turned to Raven and stared at her a moment. "Did you like the Hello Kitty diary?" Rogue asked and Raven's eyes widened just a little.
"I just wanted to make you go away, I'm sorry." Raven felt herself blushing once she realized that Rogue knew who had talked to her so rudely at Mystique's house and Rogue just smiled at her.
"It's okay."
When she let Rogue out of the room Raven noticed Emma in the hall watching her. Emma's eyes seemed to burn into Raven's skin, Raven could feel the woman's attention on her even when she wasn't looking, so Raven turned and held Emma's stare for a moment, before turning to go into her room, closing the door.
………………..
The next time Raven heard knocking it was familiar. "Go Away." Raven yelled at the door. "I don't have a mission today."
"I have coffee." Emma called out. "And bagels. The ones with raisins you like so much. I believe these are the last ones, since Robert and the others males have started to devour anything they can see."
Raven pulled her pillow under her head more forcefully and glared at the door. She really didn't know what to do about Emma, but being in a room alone with her wasn't something she was eager to do right now. "Go away Emma. Just go away."
"Raven, open the door." Emma's voice was softer, but still loud enough to be heard.
"No." Raven's response got silence but no sound of anyone walking away. Raven enhanced her hearing to listen for it.
"Please open the door Raven."
Raven felt a wave of guilt that she really didn't think she deserved. "No, not today Emma. Go away."
"Fine. I won't beg." Emma muttered angrily and Raven could hear Emma walking away, but then there was a knock on another door. Raven rolled onto her back and groaned as she heard Tessa answer it and then Raven shut her enhanced hearing down.
Ten minutes later another door had a knocking on it, but it was different. It was strange how something like a knock would give people away, Raven thought as she opened her eyes to stare at the bathroom door. "Raven." Tessa's voice was exactly what Raven expected to hear. "Breakfast."
Raven sighed heavily and sat up. It wasn't like she'd been able to sleep after Emma woke her but it looked like no one was willing to let her try. "Come in." And even though Raven sounded less than pleased Tessa opened the door and came in, carrying the coffee and bagel that Emma had been trying to give Raven earlier. Tessa held up both for a moment before moving to put them on the dresser.
"She doesn't deliver food to just anyone." Tessa picked up some knick knack that someone had placed in the room long before Raven had moved in and studied it. Raven tossed the sheets off of her body, shifting into jeans and a sweatshirt. "I know that this is not comfortable, but I need to ask you something." Raven didn't like the tone of Tessa's voice, and Tessa turned to look at her. "Were you scared when she kissed you? Did you think she might do something you didn't want, might rape you?"
Raven stared at Tessa wishing she could just ignore this. "I'm not afraid of Emma."
"I see." Tessa sighed and leaned back against the dresser while crossing her arms. "I've known Emma for years Raven and I could tell you so many things about her. I could tell you that she isn't accustomed to having to actually work to get someone's attention. I could tell you that for her, kissing is more intimate than sex, just like it is for me, because of our experiences in the Hellfire club. I could tell you that Emma only brought me breakfast in bed once to apologize for something she'd done, not that she'd ever said the words but the intent was there." Raven fidgeted with the sheets in her hands. "I could tell you that in spite of what you'd seen in that club I'd never heard of Emma taking anyone that told her no. Did she do that to Christy?"
Raven stared down at her own hands as memories of that time hit her. "No." Raven whispered. Christy had never once said no.
"Christy told me no." Tessa's voice was quieter, "but she never said no to Emma?"
"No, she didn't."
"Was Christy too terrified to tell her no?" Tessa continued to push this and Raven glared up at her. She wished that Tessa would just drop this.
"No, she wasn't."
"So while it was hardly what Christy was used to, she never said no to Emma." Tessa continued to beat the point. "Well, that's unfortunate, because if she had you'd know that Emma would have stopped." It couldn't have been that easy, Raven stared dumbfounded at Tessa. "In private Emma would always stop, she couldn't in public, but in private she would."
"But." Raven managed to get that one word out.
"Drink your coffee while it's still at least lukewarm." Tessa stood up and started for the door. "I have a lot to do this morning, but here's something else to think about." Tessa turned to look at Raven from the bathroom doorway. "In the Hellfire club, that place had its own culture and only slaves delivered breakfast. Emma has only brought me breakfast once." Tessa glanced at the bagel. "Actions Raven, actions speak louder than words with Emma and she always knows what she's saying. Every time she serves you, she's apologizing, every time. She doesn't say it out loud." Raven frowned a little at that, because Emma had said the words. "So you need to pay attention."
"Why should I?" Raven felt like a petulant child as she said that and Tessa shaking her head didn't help that.
"Why did you choose to trust her Raven? You stayed when she showed up in Genosha and you called her regularly when you moved here. If you didn't trust her completely you never would have done that." Tessa reached out and caressed Raven's hair, her voice softening. "Clearly it wasn't a mistake to do it, you can see that now. She didn't betray you. I just want you to think about what you are doing Raven, and if you really want to shove her aside after that fine, but don't do it like this. I know she was harsh at the club, but she was the one I trusted too, but even then I never trusted her as much as you just did. She wasn't as trustworthy then, and I'm actually a little surprised that she is now, but she didn't betray you Raven, not once." Tessa's expression turned pained and she stepped back. It looked like the unspoken words were that Tessa had betrayed her. Raven reached out and caressed Tessa's hand before the woman was out of range. "Make your decisions with all the facts Raven, it helps. She was coming to tell you something Raven, something she did for you." Tessa sighed and walked away.
Raven was alone with the coffee and bagel just a moment later and Raven buried her face in her hands with a groan.
………………
The clank of the weights let Raven know someone was in the weight room, but she didn't know if it was the someone she was looking for. She glanced in to see Emma doing bench presses and Raven slipped in quietly. She moved to lean against he wall and watch Emma. The blonde was breathing properly with her lifting and was actually lifting a pretty decent amount for a woman without superstrength. The up and down motion started to hypnotize Raven a little as she watched it, until the clank of the bar being put down shook her out of it.
"Thanks for the bagel." Raven spoke quietly and watched Emma sit up, noticing the guarded expression on the blonde's face. Really was what Raven did so bad? She just refused to open the door.
"So you got it." Emma stood up and grabbed a towel, running it over her neck, which was shiny with sweat. "See, this is what I don't understand and why I wish my powers worked on you." Raven looked up into Emma's eyes with confusion. "You admire my body and you rush to my rescue, which all looks to me like you actually are attracted to me, but when I push for you to show it you glare and posture and run away. Why do you do that?"
"I'm not."
"So that wasn't you moaning while I kissed you?" Emma's eyes narrowed and Raven felt a sudden blush on her face. "It sounded like you liked it Raven and you've been avoiding me ever since."
"You had no right." Raven's voice rose a little, but she wasn't so upset she forgot her limitations.
"You are stronger than I am Raven. I couldn't force you to do anything if I tried. All you had to do was step away, but you kissed back." Emma's words were angry but Raven just stared at her stunned at what she was hearing. Stronger, she'd never even thought of that. Emma took a step closer still coldly angry. "Dammit Raven, what do I have to do. Just tell me what I have to do to make you stop looking at me like that. I've kept your secrets, I've given you back your friends, I got shot helping you fight your Master. What else do I have to do? I sent Karen a ticket to come visit you here, is that enough? Do you want me to write you a big check?" Emma was so close that Raven could feel her breath, and her voice got quieter. "Do you want to hit me again? Whip me like in that drawing? Do you want to make me beg?" Raven looked away and took a step back, but Emma closed the gap. "Do you still have fantasies about hurting me?" Raven felt herself pale, upset that Emma knew about those. She hadn't had one in a while. "If I let you, would that be enough?"
"Oh God." Raven took another step back while staring at Emma in shock, not sure if that had been a real offer or not. "No."
"No it wouldn't be enough?" Emma looked so calm for talking about something like that.
"No, I can't do that."
"Come now, the school has a healer. It isn't like I'd scar." Emma pressed forward again and Raven felt like she couldn't catch her breath. "Do you want to see me tied spread eagle waiting for your whip? Would you like spank me? Do you want to tie me to the bed and force yourself into me? What do you really want to do to me Raven? Tell me?" Raven took another step back.
"Don't." Her voice was desperate.
"Do you want to force me to satisfy you? Do you fantasize about making me kneel between your legs like Christy for me?" Emma's voice was changing, becoming more heated. "I'm not a submissive Raven, you'd have to hold me down to do that to me." Flashes of old fantasies came to Raven and she flinched as she took another step back. "Force me? Is that what you want? I won't press charges." Raven finally put her hands out and shoved, but Emma didn't move back much. "You can fight harder than that Raven. I saw you bend steel."
"Leave me alone." Raven felt the wall against her back with her next step back and her breathing was coming too fast. Emma's body was pressed up against her.
Emma whispered into Raven's ear, "If I touched you now would you be wet?" Raven moaned. "I think you would. Is it because you really want to punish me or because you like feeling powerless to stop me?" Raven felt the cool air as Emma stepped back and stared at her before she just walked away and Raven couldn't move. She leaned heavily against the wall as Emma left the room.
"Oh God." Raven's hand shook as she moved to run it through her hair. "This isn't happening to me." It was sick and wrong. It took her a few minutes to calm down enough to try and walk away like nothing happened. It took her a half hour to remember that Emma said Karen was coming to visit, but she wasn't willing to hunt Emma down for more details.
………………..
Raven was sitting in a remote corner of the atrium, watching the small stream Storm had created to run through the place and gently running her hands through the top of the water. The sound of the water helped to soothe her and Raven did her best to just not think, to just be for a little while. She felt the coiled tension inside of her ease.
The sound of someone coming into the atrium had Raven focusing her hearing to try and see if she should push herself further back into the plants to avoid someone she didn't want to talk to at that moment, but the sound of a shuddering breath and a small gasp had Raven moving forward to see the green girl dropping her book bag near the pond and sitting on the bench. That wasn't what kept Raven watching, it was the slumped shoulders and slight shaking.
Raven sat quietly and watched as the shaking slowed down and shook her head at the fact she couldn't even hear the girl crying. What did that say about the girl's life that she could do it so quietly? She was almost ready to go out and see if there was anything she could do when a set of footsteps started coming closer.
"Child," Storm's voice was soft and Raven watched the back of the tall woman's head and her white hair as Storm shook her head just a little from side to side. "Are you alright?"
A loud sniffle sound carried to Raven and she enhanced her hearing to listen to this, feeling guilty about doing it as well but she was a little concerned. "Fine."
"One would hope that mutants that know what it is like to be shunned would know better. It is a shame they do not learn from the experience." Storm moved closer and sat on the bench. "You know what they said, it wasn't true."
"I just wanted to be normal." The girl stared down at her own hands. "Normal in some way." She held up the green hands as if they were proof of her sin. "I'm green, isn't that enough? Why do I have to be even more different?" The girl's voice cracked and Raven felt a wave of sympathy for her not even knowing why she was hurting.
Storm moved to sit beside the girl and Raven made sure no one saw her, this was too personal to interrupt, but somehow her guilt about being there didn't stop her from listening. "It is normal, the ability to love is normal. It matters not the packaging, just the heart." The green girl looked confused and then a little apprehensive as she looked at Storm.
"Are you a lesbian too?" The girl asked and Storm just smiled at her.
"Does it matter? Lesbian or Heterosexual, the capacity to love, the person themselves is more important than a gender." Raven rolled her eyes as Storm side stepped it yet again. Perhaps Storm got some perverse pleasure out of making people wonder.
The sound of someone else stepping into the room had the green girl tensing. "Annie" A strange chorus of voices called out and Raven saw blonde hair through the bushes, lots of it. "Oh, Ms. Munroe, we didn't know you were in here."
"I was just leaving girls." Storm stood up and smiled at what looked like a small group of clones, each girl looking just like the next. Raven counted five of them. All five eerily watched Storm leave, before turning as one to look at Annie, which Raven knew she'd been introduced to before but hadn't been able to remember her name.
The clone girls relaxed and stood slightly differently. One voice spoke. "Quentin is just a jerk. Don't let him upset you." Another voice barely different from the first added, "He may have power but he's an idiot." Raven watched as a third clone finished the comment. "And he's not very good looking either. You're much more attractive."
"Yeah, right." Annie scoffed at that and stared down at her hands again. It bothered Raven that this was a familiar looking problem, even Mystique with her experience and age had been insecure about her appearance. Raven's eyes widened a little as she watched the five blondes move closer to Annie sitting next to her on either side, standing behind her, in front of her, Annie was surrounded.
"Yes, much more attractive." The strange stereo was something that would take a while to get used to. Raven shook her head as she heard the next words in that strange stereo, "Annie, we think you are very pretty."
There was a side door to the outside and Raven reached it without disturbing the scene she'd seen but before she opened it she couldn't resist enhancing her hearing again. "date?" Annie sounded stunned and Raven smiled and slipped out the door. How would Annie ever keep straight which one she was dating, Raven chuckled a little at that girl's dilemma.
She had to walk around the back to find a door back into the building and found herself in a hall with vacant classrooms. Raven found the art room almost by instinct, as if the smell of paint called to her and Raven answered. The classroom supplies were hardly the best but Raven found paper and charcoal and a quiet corner to draw her memories.
…………..
"Somehow it doesn't surprise me that you're in here." A voice interrupted the blending Raven was doing on the sketch she had in front of her. She looked up to see Tessa leaning against the doorway looking at Raven. Tessa moved to walk into the room. Raven glanced down at her sketch, and Raven wished she could cover it up as she heard Tessa come closer, and knew the woman was looking at it. "I'd say you were thinking of the past." Tessa sighed as she looked down at the sketch.
Raven let the silence fill the room for a moment before talking quietly, "I needed to draw." She didn't defend herself even though she was embarrassed being caught drawing pictures of Tessa when she was younger. She went quiet for a moment, then looked into Tessa's eyes. "Pose for me?" It had been so long since she'd had a real Tessa to draw. "You were always my best model."
"It's my mutation. I have more control over my body than most and I can recreate poses perfectly, others can't do that." Tessa spoke casually, as her hand moved to pet Raven's shoulder. "I just came to tell you that Karen should be here by dinnertime. Emma mentioned she didn't have a chance to tell you that." Raven shook her head slightly. Of course Emma didn't have time to tell her that she'd been too busy backing Raven up into the wall. Raven put her artwork down.
"I miss drawing you." Raven spoke quietly and reached out slowly to move a loose piece of hair behind Tessa's ear. She didn't move her hand away once that was done and she just stared into Tessa's eyes which weren't nearly as guarded as they sometimes got. "Just for a little while, please?" This was something they used to share and Raven found herself aching to have that again. That easy comfort with each other they used to have, and maybe having Tessa pose wouldn't give that back to them, but it was worth trying.
Tessa stared into her eyes. "Okay." She spoke softly and moved to sit on the art table. Raven wiped her hands on her jeans, trying to clean up some of the charcoal as she moved to stand beside Tessa. Her hand moved out hesitantly to start to pose Tessa, and finally something in Tessa's eyes said it was okay.
Raven gently guided an arm into a pose she wanted and gently pushed Tessa's shoulder back, giving her a more relaxed pose than she'd seen in years from Tessa. Raven's hand moved to tilt Tessa's head, but then her hand slowly caressed Tessa's cheek, and a finger ran over the strange tattoo on her face. "Why did you do this?" Raven asked quietly as she stroked the dark lines.
"It was done to me, I didn't chose it." Tessa's answer was calmly delivered, but Raven's heard clenched in pain. To be marked like this, to always see it even if it weren't hideous, this reminder of power taken away. Raven swallowed hard and pulled her own tears into her body as she leaned forward slowly and kissed one dark line on Tessa's cheek. "I was marked shortly before I left that life." Tessa's voice was quieter, more reflective.
"But you left it, you did finally come back. I thought you were going to die in that place." Raven pulled back and almost turned away but Tessa suddenly had a hand on Raven's face, holding her cheek so Raven couldn't turn away. Tessa was staring into her eyes and Raven let her. When Tessa leaned in Raven tilted her head just a little to the side, but Tessa stopped and stared.
"Please." Raven whispered, and Tessa moved closer. Her lips gently touched Raven's, more a caress than a kiss. Raven groaned as she sought Tessa's lips, leaned into the kiss. Raven's body shook slightly as Tessa opened her mouth and deepened the kiss. Raven's arms moved around the dark haired woman holding her close, a soft whimper escaped Raven's mouth as Tessa responded by caressing her back.
"Oh I see you found her." Emma's voice was like ice water on Raven, making Raven's back rigid and tense. It wasn't pleasant, but Tessa just stared into her eyes as Raven pulled away, rather than look at Emma.
"Raven always finds the art supplies. It wasn't that hard to figure out." Tessa looked like she was speaking to Raven even though she was addressing Emma.
"Yes, she is rather obsessive about her art." Emma's presence finally made Raven turn her head to look at her. Emma was studying Raven and Tessa with an unreadable expression on her face. Emma's voice sounded bored, "I had offered to have Karen picked up, but her plane came in early and she took a cab. She says she'll be here soon."
"Karen." Raven's voice was tense and she wondered at bringing her friend into what was already a messed up situation, but it was too late for doubts, not that she'd been given a choice in this. "She bringing her husband?" Tessa caressed Raven's arm as she slid off the table, the planned drawing forgotten. The caress felt like a promise of something, but Raven wasn't sure what, just that it was later. Was it just talking or was Tessa willing to offer more? Did Raven want her to offer more?
"I believe she is. After what happened, well asking her to travel alone would have been highly inappropriate." Emma took a few more steps into the room and glanced down at Raven's drawing, the one that held a younger Tessa. "Obsessive about a lot of things aren't you dear?"
The muscle in Raven's jaw twitched but she didn't let Emma bait her in front of Tessa. She didn't say anything, she just started to clean up the art supplies. She could feel Emma's eyes on her and Tessa's as well.
"I bet you won't have to spend days being ignored." Emma spoke quietly, and Raven was glad she'd never really told anyone about how her enhanced hearing worked as she put the supplies away across the large classroom.
"I didn't steal my kiss Emma." Tessa spoke so calmly about this, so Tessa wasn't embarrassed or she was covering it. Raven sighed as she stood in front of the sink to turn on the water.
"It wasn't stolen." Emma didn't sound happy and Raven rinsed off her hands as she tried to act like she didn't hear them. "Her eyes say yes, just like Christy's did."
"And yet her mouth never followed suit." Tessa's reply was almost too quiet to hear. "The last telepath to misunderstand her, to see what he wanted to see, is locked up under the mansion Emma and she put him there. Do be careful to not push her too hard, she isn't the gentle woman I remember. We did that to her."
"No Tessa, she'd never hurt me." Emma sounded so sure of Raven. "It's in her eyes."
Raven couldn't draw out the hand washing any more so she had to turn the water off and went about drying them, but Tessa didn't respond. When she looked over at the two, they stood close together, Emma in her white leather and Tessa in black jeans and a black silk shirt, and Raven for just a moment felt the artist in her cry to draw what she was seeing, but she pushed that away.
"I'm gonna go wait for Karen." Raven didn't slow as she walked past them, trying to wrap her mind around the way Tessa and Emma still talked about her like they had those years ago.
…………………..
Raven sat on the couch staring towards the television with Remy and thankfully he wasn't talking to her. She wasn't really seeing the television, she was replaying the scene in the art room in her head, and the one even earlier in the gym, and trying to make sense of it all.
"Still as intense as ever." The deep nearly masculine voice had Raven's head jerking around to look at the four armed woman. "Oh God Raven, I heard you made it but I didn't really feel it until now." Raven moved to stand quickly, hearing the pain in Karen's voice. Karen's arms were stretched out for a hug and Raven quickly found herself wrapped up in them.
Karen was squeezing her hard and Raven was glad she didn't need to breath or she'd have to stop the woman. "Are you okay? Really?" Karen asked without letting Raven go very far, four hands held Raven's arms as Karen stared at her.
"Yeah, I'm okay." Raven said, but her voice was weary and tired and Karen could see through that. Raven knew it by the narrowing of Karen's eyes and the slight tightening of her hands on Raven. "Well as okay as someone who crawled out of ground zero can be." While that still haunted her, ever since she came back to the mansion it had taken back seat to the mess that was this life.
Karen moved some hair out of Raven's face and stared at her, Raven almost worried that Karen was going to kiss her but the woman didn't lean in. Perhaps too many people were kissing Raven lately for her to think Karen might. "Want to talk about it?"
Raven almost said no, but something in Karen's eyes said she needed Raven to need this. "Yeah." Raven said quietly.
"You two can go find a couch." A voice spoke and Raven turned to see Karen's husband looking at her. He smiled and held out a hand. Karen let her go and when Raven went to shake his hand he pulled her into a hug as well, not a long one but it felt awkward. "Glad you made it."
"Glad you planned that anniversary trip." Raven said as he let her go. "You couldn't have left at a better time."
"Yeah, funny how that works." He looked older and sad. Just because they weren't in the country didn't mean they weren't traumatized, Raven could see it more clearly in his eyes but Karen was clinging to Raven, staying so very close. "You two go on, I'm sure I can find something to do."
"Cheri, I'll take care of him, you go talk with your friend." Remy spoke up, reminding Raven he was there.
"Thanks Remy."
………………
Raven explained who she really was, she mentioned being on the run and only part of the reason why. She told Karen about that day in the classroom and watching Ellie die. Tears streamed down both of their faces as Raven talked about that day.
"How did you and Emma survive that?" Karen asked.
"We both mutated a bit more. It protected us." Raven didn't offer a lot of information because she'd gone quiet lost in the past.
The knock on the door almost seemed perfectly timed and Raven grimaced as she recognized it. "Dinner is ready." Emma informed them and Karen was staring at Raven as the blonde was speaking, it was that familiar expression on Karen's face, the perpetual question about what Emma was to Raven and why Raven put up with her.
Raven just gave Karen a weak smile. "Thanks." She called out to Emma, but Raven wasn't moving to get up just yet. Karen looked like there was something she wanted to say.
"Are things better between the two of you?" Karen asked in a psychologist tone.
"I don't know what the hell is going on with Emma and I." Raven shook her head. "I just don't know."
"Raven, what did she do to you? You told me all about being an Xman and your life on the run, but that doesn't explain her." Karen pushing about this again actually made Raven smile even though it wasn't funny and she didn't want to answer it. It was just so Karenlike for Karen to ask that.
After everything that Karen had been for her and the fact that Karen was her only living friend from that country, Raven couldn't just give the standard answer of 'I don't want to talk about it.' It would feel like a betrayal of the friendship if she said that, but Raven didn't want to talk about it, not all of it. She went quiet as she considered what she could say. "Emma used to be a villain, someone the Xmen fought." She stared at the hand Karen moved to take her own and slowly took it as she spoke. It was clear that Karen considered that one comment the beginning of a conversation when Raven had considered it the beginning and the end of one. Raven's bedroom filled with silence as Karen waited for more. "I lost." She finally whispered more and swallowed.
"What does that mean, you lost?" Karen asked gently when Raven hadn't started to talk after that. Raven glanced around her bedroom, not looking directly at Karen.
"Just that I lost." She pulled her hand out of Karen's, still not looking at her. That answer wasn't enough clearly, and Raven could see Karen preparing to not take her evading the question again, when another different knock hit the door.
"Raven you and your friend do realize dinner is ready don't you?" Hank's voice called through the door.
"Yeah, we're coming." Raven answered. She stood up and slowly Karen did as well, but the stare she was getting screamed that this wasn't over. "Thanks for understanding why I never told you who I really was." Raven smiled and tried to push the topic to something less upsetting, because Karen was clearly upset. It only worked a little, most likely Karen was acting more relaxed instead of actually being it.
"With a telepath after you, well I can see how that would be hard." Karen sounded polite, but she also sounded suspicious. As they walked down the hall Karen added, almost as if it weren't related. "So Emma can change her body as well as use telepathy now? Strange how that works."
Raven's jaw clenched, "And I'm a shapeshifter now. What didn't kill us did make us stronger."
"Did it?" One of Karen's hands moved to hold Raven's. "Are you feeling stronger?"
"Sometimes." Raven said quietly.
………………..
Dinner was overly polite and that made it hell. Raven could actually see people censoring what they said, avoiding Genosha as if not bringing it up would make it hurt less for the four from that place. Without Genosha to talk about there was very little, other than current events, jobs to some extent, even the weather made it into the conversation and Raven actually shared a disgusted look with Emma for a moment when Bobby stumbled a bit in trying to keep things light, clearly taking back a question about what had been their home.
"Some people think that not talking about unpleasant things makes them less unpleasant." Karen said quietly once they'd left the dinner table, but she stared a little too long at Raven and her voice softened. "It doesn't work that way. Repressing painful memories does nothing to ease the pain."
"Not to mention telling Bobby to not talk about something is a guarantee that it'll accidentally be brought up at some point." Raven sighed. "He doesn't do avoiding topics well does he?"
"Did you tell him to do that?"
"No, but I probably would have if I thought about it." Raven sat back on the couch nursing her juice while Karen accepted the glass of wine from Emma, who had joined this after dinner talk of the Genoshans. "They can't understand. They've never lived in that kind of freedom, and they never had to accept that everyone they'd seen, worked with, lived around, died. They just can't understand that aside from the people in this room everyone I'd ever talked to in those months is gone. I can hardly grasp it at times." Emma was handing Karen's husband a drink and the man stared down at it, almost looking like he was in prayer over the alcohol, and somberly took a drink.
"Did you try to explain it to them?" Karen asked her, while glancing towards Emma for a moment, studying the blonde when she wasn't looking.
"Not really." Raven sighed. "So we have you for the weekend?"
"And the master of dodging the subject strikes again." Karen shook her head and looked over at Emma. "How are the two of you? Living through that has to be a nightmare."
"More than one." Emma raised her glass and then took a sip and Raven stared at her, surprised that Emma had nightmares, even though she knew she shouldn't be surprised. Emma had been horrified when it happened.
"How are you dealing with it?" Karen sounded like she cared.
"Alcohol works wonders." Emma took another deep sip and it wasn't entirely a joke.
"Raven?" Karen glanced at her but Raven had to pull her concerned eyes off of the honesty Emma exhibited.
"I paint, before I came here I barely slept, I just painted. I don't want to forget them, so I have to get them painted before I forget what they look like. Before time steals their faces from me." Raven's throat tightened and she stared down into her own glass. "They deserve that much and it's really all I can do. All those people I met, all those people I drew."
"Ellie." Karen spoke the one word Raven couldn't handle right at that moment and she looked away as she struggled to not cry.
"Oh do try to refrain from analyzing us Karen." Emma spoke and was getting closer. Raven felt her glass taken from her hand and Emma rested a hand on her shoulder. "You have neither the time nor the resources to do it right." Emma's hand squeezed Raven's shoulder in support and Raven looked up into Emma's slightly concerned eyes, giving the telepath a weak smile of thanks. "I could use a refill on my drink."
Raven's eyes dropped away from Emma's and over toward her glass again. Emma had set it on the coffee table. She was tempted to ask for something serious to drink as well, but she didn't. Emma stepped away and Raven could see the question in Karen's eyes but Raven didn't reply in any way.
They talked about Genosha, about the way the American government was responding to what happened or not as the case really was. They talked about the diner that all of them had found themselves in at times, they talked about the gym, they talked about how freeing it had been to live openly and they mourned.
Raven left the room hours later feeling like she'd been stretched to her limit emotionally, tired in a way a woman her age never should be, and showed her guests to a room. After that Emma and Raven continued down the hall quietly but together. Emma looked just as lost in her thoughts as Raven was and didn't push to talk before Raven slipped into her bedroom.
After getting ready for bed Raven peeked into Tessa's room, half wanting to talk to her and half wanting to wait until she felt less emotionally exhausted. The decision was taken from her, because Tessa wasn't there.
………………….
Knocking on the door had Raven rolling onto her back with a groan.
"It's in bad form to not be the first one awake when you have guests Raven." Emma's voice came through the door, the way she'd knocked it wasn't a shock that Emma figured Raven was awake now.
"They up?" Raven just stared up at the ceiling as she asked.
"Not yet." Emma sounded like she was closer to the door. "I have coffee." Raven stared at the door silently as she considered the offer. She still wasn't comfortable with the idea of being alone with Emma in her room, not after that whatever it was Emma did yesterday. "Are you afraid?" Emma's voice was slightly mocking and Raven glared at the door.
"No, you're a weak and pathetic has been." Raven tossed the sheets off of her body and sat up.
"That's funny, you didn't appear to think that yesterday when you were backing away from me with such wide eyes." Emma sounded so smug Raven wanted to wipe the smile she was sure Emma had off of her face. She walked toward the door while shifting into black leather pants and a black halter. She wasn't going to let Emma back her up into anything today. The simmering anger in her body came with determination as she opened the door and glared into Emma's eyes. A small cold smile came to Raven's lips as she noticed Emma's slight and quickly covered up surprise, but it turned to irritation again as Emma smirked at her like Raven had done something ridiculous.
"It takes more than just the clothes dear." Emma pushed the door opened more with her hip, while carrying in two coffee mugs. "You may even have a little Top in you, but not enough to Top me." Emma sat one mug on the dresser and turned to look at Raven with critical eye, looking far too long at the outfit and how Raven stood. Raven finally gave in and closed the bedroom door leaving her alone in the room with Emma. "Did you want to try? You did seem to like the idea yesterday."
"Bitch." Raven shook her head in disgust, but she sat on the chair since Emma had taken the bed.
"So creative. It's a good thing you're a painter dear, you don't have a way with words." Raven just glared at the woman when Emma said that and then reached out for her cup of coffee. "I was thinking of what you said the other day," Emma's voice was more serious. "About how the four of us are all that is left of the life you had in Genosha." Emma went quiet and Raven picked up her own coffee mug as she waited for Emma to speak again. "There are other survivors."
"But not the people that mattered to me. Not people I even recognized." Raven's mind filled with the few people she'd helped dig out of the rubble.
"There are neighborhoods that are becoming known as mutant towns."
Raven rested the coffee cup in her hands, stopping herself from taking another drink. "That's crazy. Look what they did when we all lived in one place. It's just not safe for us to make ourselves such a large target."
"Really, what about being alone? Would you say being alone, the only mutant around, makes a mutant vulnerable? That not having other mutants around means they have no where to turn when the humans notice them?" Emma took a sip of her own coffee and Raven felt like she was in a classroom debate with the woman. Raven went quiet as she considered Emma's point. She stayed quiet as she tried to figure out a way to answer this. It didn't have a good answer, cities or individuals, mutants were in danger.
"Mutants aren't safe anywhere. Is there a point to this?" Raven asked while tapping a finger against her coffee cup.
"Well aside from that depressing thought, yes there was a point. I suggested to Scott that he might want to consider hiring Karen to work here. She's an obvious mutant Raven, and either she moves into a mutant town so she can start up her practice again or starts work here, because in the human world she'll be a target and sadly most of this planet is the human world."
Raven grimaced as she thought about this and her mind filled in the possible motives Emma had. Sure it was a nice thing to do, if Karen wanted it, but why come to Raven with this? "This is Karen's decision." Raven said flatly while staring at Emma.
"I know that dear, but it will mean you can't monopolize her all weekend because the others will want to get to know her." Emma took a sip of her coffee.
"Okay." Raven sighed. She didn't want to close doors on possible futures for Karen, but she would warn her that this place wasn't always safe either. That probably hadn't changed in the past few years. "Why didn't you just say that to begin with?" Raven asked, really wondering why Emma played games with even the simplest things.
"Then it's not really a conversation is it? It's just a debriefing then." Emma shrugged her shoulders just a little and took another sip from her coffee. "We hardly talk anymore." Raven's eyebrows drew together at the familiarity Emma was assuming, it almost sounded like a relationship. No wonder Raven was so confused about Emma, Emma was delusional.
……………………….
For a day where nothing got done, it was rather hectic. After a dinner that seemed more like an interview for Karen, Raven sat down heavily on the chair in a smaller living room while Karen sat down across from her. "You have some nice friends." Karen offered with a smile.
"Yeah." Raven couldn't dispute that, but she felt a small bit of jealousy she pushed away. "You gonna take the job?"
"I don't know." Karen sat forward with a sigh. "I need to talk to Max about it, he hasn't really said anything about it yet. I can't just accept something like this without considering what he would do." Raven felt a little foolish forgetting that, so she just nodded and didn't bring attention to the fact that she'd never had a relationship where she had to make decisions together, never had a relationship that included the building of a life together. It saddened her to think that. For a while when Tessa and Raven were younger they played at making plans.
"Just so you know, this place gets attacked. Supervillians come here to fight sometimes, or they did. They might still and I think you should know that." Raven's voice was serious.
"Yes, well I'd also get to be closer to you." Karen smirked at her. "Looks like a few women would envy that. I was getting a few looks even though I brought my husband with me."
"What?" Raven chuckled and made a confused face as she looked at Karen.
"That tall black woman was watching me really carefully and that dark haired woman with the tattoos," Karen used a hand to draw the path Tessa's tattoos took on her own face and Raven's smile faded just a little thinking that those things Tessa hadn't wanted were now what people would identify her with, "she was looking at you more than anyone at the table, even Emma." Emma's name came out with more than a hint of disgust. Karen didn't even understand why Raven was leery of Emma, but she sure held it against the telepath.
"Storm is the tall black woman and Tessa is the dark haired one." Raven clarified quietly, knowing that all the new names Karen had heard that day would be hard to keep straight, but she didn't want Tessa described that way again. "And Stormy has always been a bit protective of me. I think the first thing she did when she met me was tell someone off for being rude to me."
"That sounds like a story." Karen smiled and wiggled her eyebrows.
"Not nearly as interesting as the story you're making up in your head clearly." Raven shook her head and didn't elaborate right away.
Storm had come into the mansion on the Professor's request all those years ago and even living in the same house it had taken a few days before Storm and Raven had crossed paths right as Scott was taking out his frustration with a poorly gone mission on Raven, because once again someone had to save her. They didn't have to, they just didn't give Raven a chance to save herself. During that time his patience with Raven was becoming less and less and Raven had to admit her own attitude and jealousy at his having a lover safe and with him inspired more than a few barbs she tossed his way. They weren't getting along. It was misplaced on her part, she was angry with the Professor and couldn't even let herself realize that, but she could see it now, she'd punished Scott for the Professor's actions and Scott hadn't even known what was going on.
Sometimes you just click with someone, you just meet them and you know that this person is a good friend and someone worth knowing. It had happened with Storm within the first two minutes after Storm had coldly told Scott that he'd have to wait to belittle his teammates because she had come to recruit Raven. Raven still didn't know if Storm really had come into the gym to recruit her for her own team or if seeing Scott red faced and taking his frustration out on Raven inspired her to do it. Raven had decided that she would follow that woman and leave Scott's team, not that she'd gone on many missions with either. Storm inspired something in the people on her team that Scott just didn't.
"So it's not a secret love affair? She's not the seventeen year old you mentioned?" Karen teased and Raven tried to hide her wince of pain quickly, but it wasn't fast enough.
"No, that was Tessa." Raven's voice was quiet as she tried to act somewhat casual and not go into the entire story behind her and Tessa. "Storm just came in and took me into the team of Xmen she was forming no questions asked. She didn't make me prove myself worthy she didn't put conditions on it, she just accepted me right away, weaknesses and all. I'd been forced onto Scott's team, but Storm… Storm wanted me."
"That does make a difference. Everyone wants to be wanted, accepted." Karen spoke softly, and it was a big topic that a psychologist would just have to sink her teeth into, Raven realized with some apprehension, but Karen sat up a bit straighter as if letting it go. "So, Tessa's the one you can't help but think about all the time?" The small smile was somehow teasing and concerned all at the same time. "She is pretty, quiet and rather intense, but pretty."
"Yeah." Raven didn't volunteer all of Tessa's other good qualities, she just sighed moved to sit back and seem more relaxed. It would be nice to have someone to talk to about all of this, but Raven didn't want to tell Karen. Karen had few details and while she pretended to be nice with Emma, she was cold. Raven didn't want to say anything that would make Karen protected of Raven with Tessa as well, or worse with Emma. Emma was a telepath after all, she had to know the woman she'd helped out still didn't like her.
"Are you going to try to rekindle things?"
"I don't know." Raven looked into Karen's eyes and let her own insecurity and confusion show. "I don't know. There's so much that's happened and I just don't know anything anymore."
"Do you still love her?" Karen asked as if love was the only real question. It seemed so simplistic to Raven, but real life was complicated, and her life was more complicated than most. All Karen got in response was a heavy sigh. "You are too damned young to be so bitter." Karen's voice held some disgust.
"What can I say, I've always been a fast learner." Raven let that bitterness into her voice and turned to stare at the painting on the wall. She was pretty sure that one was one of Peter's. The Professor had liked Peter's style more, it went with his pretentious décor, not to mention the fact that Raven's paintings tended to be of women and not landscapes. She remembered talking with Peter about that, about her passion for the human subjects while he talked about his love of nature. It wasn't that they never crossed over into each others realms, but typically you found Peter in the yard with his art and Raven begging the women on the team to sit still for a while. She'd envied him his simple pleasures, because he didn't have to beg like Raven did. The sun would always be there, the trees would stand as long as he wanted them too.
"It's not learning, it's fear."
"You're a lousy Psychologist. You're supposed to blame my mother and talk about my childhood." Raven lashed out quietly and stood up, but then tried to cover it up with a weak smile. "Perhaps we could talk about phallic symbols and oral fixations, I always loved Freud's weird sexual hang-ups." It was Christy that introduced her to Freud and Christy made him memorable. Raven walked up to the painting and checked the scrawl on the bottom, verifying it was Peter's work. "I knew this artist." Raven turned to look at Karen. "He was alive when I left and he's dead now. He was a gentle man that really wanted nothing more than to paint, kinda like me. He stayed and I left and I'm here and he's not. He really had potential, he could have been a great artist." Raven's fingers caressed the frame and when Karen didn't interrupt her continued. "This place isn't the same and no one in it is either." Raven watched her fingers caress the frame and could hear Karen standing up.
"No one is the same as they were five years ago Raven, no one. People are always changing and growing. It's what I like about studying psychology."
"I'm not the same, but I feel like some of the people here want to believe I am." Raven thought about her old teammates and the few strange looks she'd gotten when her apparently new cynical world view showed.
"Does Tessa see you as you were?"
"No, I don't know what she sees, but it isn't that girl." Raven's finger fell from the frame and she turned to look at Karen. "And what I see when I look at her is warped by our past. I don't know if I'm even seeing her. I see the girl I loved, and I see the spy that hurt me, and I see the woman that wants forgiveness, but who is she? So yeah, I love Tessa and I'll love her forever, but right now I don't even know who I am and I'm not any closer to knowing her and everything's changed and everyone's different. Good is bad and bad is good and I really can't see five minutes into my future through all of this."
"You sound like a midnight philosopher." Karen reached out and rested a hand on Raven's shoulder. "You also sound really lost. You know you have me right? God, when I thought you'd died Raven," Karen's voice cracked. "You're my little glorified cheerleader and it hurt when I thought you were gone. I think you and I have a right to be confused and lost right now. Just give yourself permission to feel lost and know that you'll find yourself and everyone else in time.
"That's what I'm not used to."
"Just letting life happen?"
"Having time. I've been sitting still here in New York for over a month and I keep feeling like any day I'll have to move again. I don't know how to think about a future anymore Karen, I've been living in three month blocks for too long and I just don't know how to live one life anymore."
"Then don't try right away. Just live for this month, and after this month see if you can see two months ahead. Take it in steps. Where will you be in a month? Can you envision that?"
Raven thought about the house in Brooklyn and the room upstairs, but her thoughts didn't move out of the state. For now at least she needed to be here near the people that knew her before her life was shattered, people who knew who she used to be. Maybe it would help her figure out who she was now.