XXXVII.

Questions and Allies

Kagome's performance at her Presentation earned them something Sesshomaru quite liked – a terrifying reputation, and solitude.

In the months since Kagome had come to him, they had been left alone only for a very little time – and much of that had been disturbed by what he had come to refer to in his mind as the Incident. Now, as fall began to dim and frost crept through the nights, he set himself to learning his mate.

She was complicated, and simple. The release of her inner demon had not changed the core of her, but it had sharpened many qualities she had already possessed – a blazing temper, an indomitable will...a pure and shining heart. It was this last quality, the quandary it presented, that he found himself most fascinated by, most...drawn to.

For a demon, he was relatively young; less than five hundred years. Still, he had had his share of females, many who sought him out for lust and many more who sought him out seeking to be closer to his power. Kagome, though...Kagome was not like any of them. Kagome defied description, and he was sure it was her heart that was the difference; her strange concern with that feeling, her preoccupation with love.

His father had spoken to him of love, though not like she did; his father had spoken of love as having someone to protect. He had contemplated this before, but such thoughts only led inevitably to thinking of Rin. While there was no doubt in him that his feeling for his daughter was love, that gave him no help where Kagome was concerned.

His feelingsfor his mate might also be called love...but if that was true it was love of an entirely different nature, love with which he had no experience. There was lust mixed up in his feelings, and those instincts which were attached to a mate: to protect her; to soothe her; to please her and to be pleased by her. There was the memory of feelings that had been attached to her – worry, concern, the fear for her life – that first and most terrible time, and then more recently, when she had faltered under his mother's hands.

He felt anger, too – but mostly it was at himself, even though Kagome was partly the cause. Anger because he had been trapped by a female, because he was very close to admitting the thing he had always and most vehemently denied...because there was a real and true danger, to himself and his House, in succumbing to feelings.

To love.

His father had proved that; already, such feelings had led Sesshomaru himself onto dangerous ground. The stirring Dragon threat that he had been sensing would become a wild thing soon; sooner, because he, their last enemy, had taken the strongest of their own.

He allowed himself a satisfied smile.

There was that, too, of course. Power attracted him. He had sought – always - to become the most powerful, to walk the path of conquest, to prove his own strength. He knew, though he would never admit it, that it was partly because of his father; because the Inu no Taisho was legend, and he was, as yet, only Sesshomaru-dono.

It was also partly because he was youkai, and to be youkai was to be attracted to power like iron to a lodestone. It was his nature to seek the strongest female to bear his pups, to add to the glory of his house; it was the demand of the Inu and of his soul. He had been witness, in his very first sight of her, to a great strength – and even human, she had been utterly fearless...even human, he had been unable to deny her. If she had stayed that way – if her flesh had not answered to the call of his power, if he had been utterly, totally wrong...

I would still have done it. I would still have taken her, and damn them all. But – why? Why!

This thing inside him, it was morethan that she was his match in power; more than desire - more than just protecting her. He could not think of anything else that it might be... but he wanted to know, know, that it was love. He would say nothing to her, if he did not know. He wanted to hold love in his hands, feel it like a solid thing, inspect it from all sides. He wanted to be able to tear it open and claw out the beating heart of it, wanted to learn from the pulse of it in his fingers what it was...what it meant.

He was not sure if Kagome could tell him; he was not sure if she would say anything he could understand. But there was someone...

Inspired, he turned and strode from the Hall, up the stairs and down towards the sound of studious voices. Without knocking, he opened the door to Shippou's room, and found the young Kitsune bent over a workbook, one hand correcting Rin's grip on her brush and the other pointing to the next exercise on the page.

"Are you finished with Naniwa, Rin?"

"Almost – otou-sama!"

"Rin. Come here."

Sesshomaru stood at the threshold and beckoned her, and she came willingly, stood looking up at him.

"Yes, otou-sama?"

"You love me, Rin."

Pleased at his statement, Rin smiled brilliantly and nodded.

"Yes, otou-sama!"

"Explain your love to me, Rin. What is love? Why do you love me?"

Perplexed, Rin turned her head slightly, caught Shippou's eye over her shoulder. He shrugged. Rin looked again at Sesshomaru, and appeared to think for a moment. When she spoke, her voice was serious.

"I love otou-sama because otou-sama saved me from the wolves, and made me live. And because otou-sama protected me, and is the strongest. And because otou-sama makes Rin – makes me happy."

She flushed at her slip, but Sesshomaru said nothing, waited for her to continue.

"Love is being happy with someone, otou-sama. Really happy! And safe. And wanting to make them happy, too - like when I am quiet, or listening to otou-sama very well, or bringing to otou-sama flowers."

Sesshomaru nodded, and then slanted his eyes in Shippou's direction.

"And you, kit? Do you agree with this?"

Shippou stared for a moment, surprised to be asked, and then shrugged.

"Yeah, I guess that sounds right. But – um...Sesshomaru-sama, you are – you have been thinking about 'kaa-san, right?"

Sesshomaru hesitated for the barest instant.

"Yes."

"Then just imagine what would you feel like if she was lost, Sesshomaru-sama. Or she ran away, or – or if - she...died."

Shippou's words trailed off. Sesshomaru did not need to imagine. The memory was there within him, lying in wait. If she might die – if he lost her forever -

A black wall of terror waited within him; he sensed anguish, undiluted.

Shippou looked up at him, observing in silence, and then nodded slowly. His eyes were too old for his face.

"See? You do love her, Sesshomaru-sama. Love is what Rin said...but that hurting is love, too. Are you – are you going to tell 'kaa-san?"

Sesshomaru stared at the two of them for a long moment.

"Perhaps. First, I am going to ask her. She has avoided my question long enough; I want to know what she thinks."

Sesshomaru found Kagome without trouble. She was sitting in the Hall, a plate in front of her and a book beneath her left hand; her right hand was wrapped around a pair of chopsticks, guiding a slice of venison to her mouth. Her focus was such that she didn't notice him until he laughed when she tried to turn a page and take a bite simultaneously, and entirely missed the bite.

"Spying on me, Sesshomaru? So mean, you are -"

Easily, he unwound her fingers from around the chopsticks, and placed the errant morsel of meat onto her tongue before he lay them aside.

"Kagome, I have been thinking – since that Wolf Challenged over you, and before."

She had been smiling, but her expression changed dramatically as he spoke.

"Kagome, you must tell me. What is love?"

She was completely silent, then stuttered nothing, and then was silent again. He was beginning to think he had broken her by the time she finally said something coherent.

"That's – a hard question, Sesshomaru."

"Why?"

She looked for a moment like she wanted to laugh...and then she did.

"Sesshomaru, love is just...it is. It is an experience...something you can't know until you've felt it yourself. But it's more than a feeling, even though sometimes you can feel it very strongly. It...it slips into every part of your life, everything you do, until there's this question in every action: how will it affect the ones I love? And you have to answer it, you have to – that question – even if most of the time, you won't even know you're doing it. That's...that's love."

Sesshomaru looked uncomfortable.

"That is...not the same thing I have heard before."

More laughter.

"Of course not! How could someone else feel love like I do? Anyway, it doesn't matter how much love I feel, you need to experience it for yourself; then you'll understand. It'll probably happen at the worst time, too..."

But his eyes had focused on her, intense.

"How much love you feel? Who do you love, Kagome?"

She drew a deep breath, eyes wide, face flushing.

"Who do – I – well, I love Shippou, of course, and my parents, my brother – my – my grandfather -"

He leaned closer to her, and she continued quickly.

"And Sango, and Miroku, and Kaede – and the friends I left behind, too – I – I love lots of people!"

She spoke defensively, but he came closer to her still, peered into her eyes.

"And me, Kagome?"

Completely flustered, she backed away, waving her hands at him.

"You aren't – you aren't asking if I love you, you're asking if I'm in love with you!"

He stared down at her, gold eyes gleaming in a shaft of sunlight, and smiled, deadly, achingly perfect.

"In love...yes. That is what is different. Are you in love with me, Kagome?"

Her blush, which had been pink, faded to paleness.

"In – in – in -"

She couldn't even repeat his question.

"You – you're – I - I...I don't know!"

He growled at her. Under other circumstances it might have been funny, but she sensed his seriousness and was distraught herself.

"Don't be angry, please don't be angry – it's just that you're confusing, Sesshomaru! I've been learning you, a little, in all the days since I came to be with you – months now, really. But there's so much violence in you, so much darkness...and – um...it's...very attractive..."

She paused, flushing, glad he could not read her thoughts, and then cleared her throat to continue.

"But lust is different from love. You...you don't...you never regret anything. And I'm still not sure why you want me. I stayed with you because I wanted what you could give me, because you're...well..."

A redder blush suffused her cheeks again.

"I guess because that instinct moved me too. And I'm grateful, because you've done so much for me; I owe you my life – you gave me my new self, and you have shared your House with me, your clan...and your forever."

She paused for a moment, and looked up at him thoughtfully.

"I like you, mate – the person you are, that I am learning; the one who smiles. But love is...love is...well, it just happens. And I'm not sure if it has yet; it's...it's hard for me to sort out. I just...don't know."

She smiled at him, tentatively, and saw him standing back from her again, his arms crossed, flickering things in his eyes – confusion, irritation...disappointment? But it was the irritation that won, and she almost, almost laughed at his words.

"How can you not know, mate, if you've experienced it before?"

Kagome shrugged, as calmly as she could.

"Because love is different every time."

He stood very still, and Kagome saw that her words, her explanation, had not comforted him; had, perhaps, had an opposite effect. She reached out and took his hand, then tilted her head so that her hair covered half her face and she only had to look at him out of one eye. It made the words coming out of her mouth a little easier to say.

"Sesshomaru, I...I don't not love you."

It took everything she had not to look away from him as she spoke, but it was worth it. For a solitary moment, real happiness moved openly on those so-placid features.

She leaned up on her tiptoes, and attempted to kiss him, gently, softly, but she should have known that it would not work. His arms tightened around her, and held her still so he could kiss her breathless; he put the words he would not yet say into that kiss.

"Mate...my Kagome...you are the most dangerous creature in the world."

"Hmm?"

Confused, she looked up at him, but he only shook his head and kissed her again, more gently.

"When you understand that, Kagome – then you will truly be youkai. But never mind. I will not ask you any more questions about love; I will wait. I, too, have been learning."

For some reason his last words made her flush, and she found herself unable to hold his gaze.

From that moment, Kagome found herself spending a great deal more of her time with Sesshomaru. Some of it was merely the training she had been promised – learning the duties of a lady, the names of his allies and their strengths and weaknesses. She read more history, studied legends and the story of Sesshomaru's own House, and practiced youkai magic and fighting – with sword and fist and claw and fang.

Yet...there was more than just learning involved.

Sesshomaru had begun to make a habit of bathing with her. He seemed to enjoy smoothing the cleansing oils onto her skin; he washed her hair, her back, her feet – and that was an image that came back to haunt her dreams most pleasantly, Sesshomaru on his knees in the shallow end of their pool, the steam rising around him, his claws dragging over her instep –

After the first few days, she tried to reciprocate, and was astonished by how pleased he seemed...and more so, when, as she was washing his hair, he seemed to doze under her hands. His features were softened only slightly by sleep, but all the tenseness was gone, his mouth faintly smiling. It was the most relaxed she had ever seen him; she had waited a long moment before she touched his arm gently and spoke his name.

On nights when they did not run together, chasing shadows, hunting by the light of the waxing moon, on nights when they did not sit by firelight with music and scrolls and wine - on nights when she slept, he came with her to bed – always.

His desire for her, which she had been afraid would wane, did no such thing; if anything, he only seemed to want her more. He spent time that once he had spent walking his lands alone with her instead, touching, teasing, talking. Gradually, she began to see the person who lived within the icy palace of his heart.

And truly, there was no ice in him. Oh, he was cold - but in her thoughts it was a cold like that of the great northern ocean; too turbulent for freezing, a black and steady surface of deceptive calm that was sometimes windswept and sometimes disrupted by great movements from beneath.

In the quiet time that had been granted them, Kagome also found herself coming to terms with her own nature more and more, making progress towards a day when she would find human ways as strange as the youkai had once been.

Ten days after the presentation, Sesshomaru approached her after their hunting lesson, while she stripped and changed into her "inside clothes".

"I have waited, Kagome, but you have said nothing. Do you intend to accept the Wolf's offer of allegiance?"

Kagome blinked at him; he sighed before she could even speak.

"Accept? But didn't I do that already when -"

Sesshomaru waved her words away.

"I always forget how little you know. No – you have not accepted his offer. You could say that you took it...under advisement. To accept it, you will have to go to him – and as he has offered this to you alone, perhaps it would be best for you to go alone."

Kagome looked at him strangely; her voice faltered.

"By myself? But if – I'm alone-"

Her nose wrinkled.

"I have bad luck when I'm by myself – think about it, Sesshomaru, the last time I wandered by myself I was found by you."

He raised an eyebrow.

"That was bad luck, Kagome? I do not think so."

She flushed.

"But you forget; you are youkai now, mate. The journey from this place to that Wolf's Den might take a night and half the day, and if you truly desire to be there faster..."

He paused, and shrugged.

"Besides that, who is there that might harm you? You are youkai, and miko. You are a destroyer – and while you may not know your own power, others do, and they will avoid you."

When she still looked doubtful, he shrugged.

"I can accompany you if you wish it, Kagome, but I think -"

"That Kouga will be a complete ass if you do. Yes, yes, you're probably right...I've just never wandered around like that alone before. Not on purpose, anyway, not because I wanted to. And when it happened by accident I almost died twice a day."

She let out a heavy sigh.

"All right. I've wanted to see Kouga anyway; there has to be some way for me to salvage our friendship..."

It was Sesshomaru's turn to be doubtful, but he could not deny that the Wolf as Kagome's ally was far better than the Wolf as his enemy. Wolves from all tribes had been flocking to Kouga lately, sensing positions of power and ungoverned territory to be had. Kouga took the strongest; he needed them. Most of his own kin had died. Alliance with Kouga might mean alliance with other Wolf tribes...and with the Kitsune and the Tanuki who were tributary to them.

"I will have bags packed for you, and you may leave this evening. Perhaps the servant you prefer should accompany you?"

Kagome smiled a little.

"Yes. And Shippou, I think. If he can spare time from his student."

She had been much pleased by Shippou's attempt to teach Rin reading and writing, though she had taken a hand herself; Sesshomaru was, for his own reasons, well aware of this.

"The Wolf will not mind?"

Kagome shrugged.

"Kouga's never been bothered about him before. Besides, it'll do Shippou some good to get out for a while. I sometimes think he feels...left out. Or maybe it's just me feeling like I'm not giving him enough attention..."

She shrugged.

"Either way. Unless there's some custom or tradition that says I shouldn't -"

Sesshomaru shook his head.

"No. Nothing. If you are sure of the Wolf..."

He let his words trail off, and then turned to look at her with a sly expression.

"But if you are leaving for tonight and tomorrow, mate, I intend to make good use of the hours I have left with you..."

In the end, it was after dark by the time Sesshomaru allowed Kagome to leave. He dressed her in white and red and yellow, and waited for unseen hands to bind up her hair in an enameled clasp of gold, a leaping Inu shape with ruby eyes.

Sesshomaru only bothered to put on his hakama, and then saw her to the gates. A rustle joined them there, and Shippou, who was carrying a small bag. He grinned in response to Kagome's questioning look.

"Snacks, 'kaa-san! We're going now?"

"Yes, Shippou. Sesshomaru -"

She turned to him, and he reached for her arm and pulled her close, embraced her tightly.

"Come back safe to me – and soon."

She smiled and squeezed him for a moment, pressed a kiss to his chest and then turned through the gate. Shippou hopped up into her arms, and grinned at her, obviously pleased to be going on this little journey.

Kagome took quick steps, not quite running yet. When she was halfway through the meadow that faced the wall, she turned back one last time and saw Sesshomaru still standing in the open gate, the twilight gleaming on his skin, his hair whipped back and forth in the wind. She smiled, and raised one hand hesitantly, and waved -

And then turned again and darted down towards the trees.

The wood was dark, but not quiet; her ears gleaned the sounds of movement beneath the leaves, game scattering from her presence, predators stalking; some on the ground, and some in the trees, and some in the sky. She found a loping pace that gained ground quickly, and still allowed her to view the world passing around her as she ran by; Shippou, too, watched with interested eyes, moving from her arms to her shoulder, where he perched happily and pointed out strange sights of the forest night.

Sesshomaru had instructed her to travel straight east, and then a little south...and had remarked sneeringly that she would be able to find her way after that by scent. She had been amused, but after only two hours, she found that he was right. So subtly that she wasn't sure when she first became aware of it, she found herself adjusting her course, following a thread of scent that she knew belonged to Wolves, if not Kouga specifically.

An hour before dawn, Kagome came to a cliff-face and waterfall that was familiar, and knew she was getting close...and suddenly lost all her nerve.

"Shippou, what do you say we stop now and rest? We can go see Kouga in the morning."

As she had hoped, he nodded eagerly and leapt down to the ground, putting aside his little bag carefully.

"Okay! Can we have a fire, 'kaa-san?"

Almost before he had finished speaking, there was movement in the brush. Both of them watched as several bundles of wood and tinder stacked themselves into an appropriate campfire and sparked itself into life. It took perhaps two minutes; Shippou cheered and trotted over immediately to sit by the flames.

"That was fast; thank you!"

For perhaps half an hour, Kagome and Shippou sat by the fire, playing Shiritori and roasting small bits of "snacks" in the fire – and then Shippou peered up at Kagome with an expression that promised interesting things, and asked her a question.

"'Kaa-san, do you love Sesshomaru?"

"What?"

He was surprised when she scowled at him.

"Did he put you up to this?"

Shippou waved away her suspicions with both hands, shaking his head.

"No! No way; I just wondered, that's all. Sorry, 'kaa-san -"

But she was already smiling again, and ruffled his hair.

"Don't worry about it. I was just surprised; Sesshomaru asked me that earlier, and he wasn't very pleased with my answer."

She was surprised to see Shippou look suddenly crestfallen.

"You said no? Oh..."

Kagome looked down at him with an odd expression on her face

"I didn't say no, Shippou; I told him..."

She sighed.

"I told him that I don't know.'

Shippou's forehead wrinkled in consternation, and he crossed his arms across his chest.

"But 'kaa-san, you -"

Eyebrows lifted, Kagome crossed her arms in imitation of his stance.

"You're sure Sesshomaru didn't put you up to this? Because if he did..."

And she reached over and seized Shippou around the middle, and began to tickle him unmercifully. He shrieked with laughter, and squirmed ineffectively, pleading denial between bouts of mirth. When she finally let him go, he lay and giggled for a while before curling up in a little ball near her knee – all his questions, apparently, forgotten –

A mercy for which she was undeniably grateful.

In the morning, she made her way around the waterfall and a few miles south. She was not surprised, when she entered the small clearing that faced Kouga's den, to find a familiar trio waiting for her. Ginta and Hakkaku were pleased as always to see her, and their greeting proved it.

"Kagome-nee-san -"

"Kagome-nee-san!"

But Kouga's voice stopped them in their tracks, sharp as a whip.

"Ginta! Hakkaku! You will be respectful of the Hime-sama's position!"

And then he turned and looked at Kagome.

"So, you've come without your mate. Nice of you."

The tone of his voice made her wince.

"Kouga, please – don't reprimand them because of me -"

"It is an internal matter of policy among wolves. You have no reason to question it, Hime-sama."

He was so stiff with her! She fought back welling tears, and reached into her sleeve, pulled out the headband that had been offered to her.

"Kouga, you - this-"

Her fingers gripped tightly to the strip of fur and leather that she had taken for forgiveness; for proof of his friend ship.

"That is a matter of Council, only. A debt that is due. I know he brought me back because of you, and unless someone would like to Challenge me, my place in Council remains guaranteed by blood. It seems, Hime-sama, that because I dared to fight your mate, not many will dare to fight me. I am well able to make certain that my people do not act against you."

Kagome smiled, faintly.

"Well, that's...good, but Kouga, I -"

"Hime-sama, if you will excuse me."

He bowed shortly and turned, began to walk away from her. Kagome looked across at Ginta and Hakkaku, but they shrugged helplessly. She had never, ever seen Kouga like this, had never thought him capable of acting any other way than arrogant and...sort of charming? After all, he had quite literally swept her off her feet on more than one occasion.

But this new Kouga - what could she do with him?

I didn't lose Sango and Miroku - I'm not going to lose him either. I need my friends; I have...so few -

And then she knew what she could do.

"I will not excuse you."

Her words came out firmly, but soft enough not to draw undue attention. She was aware of many more eyes that she had expected, peering out at them from the mouth of the Den.

Kouga spun quickly, and her will faltered for a moment. There was a real snarl on his face.

"You - you -"

He tried to focus on the Inu in her; it made it easier to try and deny her, but easier was still not...possible. Slowly, while she watched, he seemed to deflate. His shoulders fell; his eyes lost their darkness. His snarl became half of a smile, and then sadness.

"You've learned fast, Kagome."

She knew it was not what he had been going to say; she didn't really mind the change. At least he had used her name -

"Kouga, what's happened to us? I want my friend, Kouga - the one who fought with me, the one I half-purified to save - the one who was willing to do anything at all if it meant vengeance for slain comrades. I thought...I thought you knew that I was...Inuyasha's. When I – when I became Sesshomaru's..."

Her voice seemed to pale, and then grow strong again.

"I never thought...it would be so serious to you. Your feeling - I didn't understand it. I'm – I'm so sorry."

Kouga laughed, and there was bitterness in the sound, but not as much as she expected.

"Months ago, I thought of going after you and telling you exactly what it was that you had got wrong; exactly what it was that I thought of you, and of that - mutt – "

She could hear his teeth grinding together, and then he shrugged.

"But I never expected to find you like this, Kagome - not like this."

It was his turn to smile faintly.

"You were my woman, but now that you are Inu you must be his."

He looked at her seriously.

"Tell me, Kagome - do you love him?"

"What? I barely - I haven't even – what is it with that question!"

She had flushed brilliantly; he laughed a little and there was pain in the laughter, and something else, too, something knowing.

"So, you do, but you don't even know it, do you?"

Her mouth opened a little, but he turned away before she could speak.

Hurry up, Kagome. Sesshomaru is not patient, not like I am...but then, I was so patient that I let you get away.

And he smiled a smile of terrible pain that he knew he could never let her see.

"Every word I sent to you with Ginta and Hakkaku, I meant. I will fight for you, with all those whose allegiance I command; I will die for you."

He looked back at her over his shoulder.

"But now that that's out of the way – are you staying the night, Kagome?"

His voice was strained, but it had returned as much to its old tones of friendly arrogance as could reasonably be expected. Kagome hesitated, but then shook her head slowly. It wouldn't do to stay here, when Sesshomaru wanted her to come home soon...when she wanted to be home soon.

"I – I can't, Kouga. I want to; but I can't."

He grimaced, and then grinned.

"Figured. But don't let him keep you on a leash, Kagome, or I'll have to start calling you Inu-baka."

Before she could think better of it, Kagome's features softened into a smile, and she took three quick steps forward and hugged him tightly.

"Kouga. I'm glad – I'm glad you're my friend, Kouga. And I'm so happy you don't hate me -"

He pushed her away just far enough that he could tilt up her chin and look down into her eyes.

"I could never hate you, Kagome. Never you."

And before she could move, he bent and pressed his lips against her mouth...stole one sweet and senseless kiss. Then he stepped back, and smiled at her dazed and startled look. With gentle hands, he turned her, and gave her a little push back towards the forest.

"Go on, Kagome. Before that mate of yours comes looking for you."

A/N: Yay, the redemption of Kouga! And also he is naughty; I couldn't help myself. He deserves one kiss, poor Wolfie. And yay, a chapter! Now I don't need to feel bad about writing more Alpha :P Anyone interested, Alpha is a Drabble collection of Sess/Kag goodness I have posted on Dokuga :D

Please Review!