High Princes of Tirion
A/N: Nihar, I have no idea what Alian means in Elvish. She sort of tagged along from an original story I was writing at the time and I was too lazy to change the name. ;)
Bah, that took far too long to write. A thousand apologies to you all, and my eternal gratefulness for the reviews. *throws over deluxe chocolate elfies*
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Chapter Thirty-Four Decisions
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Listening half-heartedly to the conversations taking place near them, Elrond, standing beside Fingon, let his eyes go over the people in the halls, not truly searching for anyone in particular, merely taking it all in.
'You never regret it then?' the Elf-lord asked him casually.
Pensively Elrond shook his head.
'I... Even this morning, before setting foot here, I was fearful of regretting my choice not to join the Council as soon as I crossed the threshold. But now... it is not what I seek.'
Slowly nodding, Fingon folded his arms behind his back.
'I never expected Ereinion was unwilling to join. In the end he might have found his place here, but in the process he did not fail to make it clear to me, remind me, that he is of another generation.' He looked at Elrond. 'As are you.'
Smiling, the former lord of Imladris made it a point to fix his eyes on something in front of him.
'It seems difficult to say whether this is good or bad.'
'Perhaps... We went to Middle-earth to help our kin, out of loyalty, but also in search of freedom, and longing for a sense of power. You took leadership out of necessity. There was no one else, and you were the ones upon which it fell. I would think these are better motives. You always had the best for your people in mind.'
'We knew our moments of pride as well,' Elrond commented blankly.
'A vestige of Noldorin blood,' Fingon replied with a smile. 'I cannot be too dark in thought concerning it, not seeing the boy here.' He nodded into the direction of Celebrimbor, who had shortly before entered the halls again from the gardens.
The child's eyes focussed on them a moment, and it seemed he intended to come over, to report on his errantry perchance, but a call from the other side of the hall demanded his attention, and with a beaming smile he responded to his great-uncles.
Elrond smiled and nodded, turning his mind and the conversation to other matters.
'Elernil, he ran some errands for you yester eve?'
'Ah,' the other answered, 'merely the one you received, and I gave it to him shortly before I left Ereinion's halls.'
'I see.'
Observing Elrond quietly, Fingon took a deep breath.
'Might this have to do with messages which take longer to deliver than they are supposed to?'
Fixing his eyes on Celebrimbor, Elrond bit his lower lip.
'If his only errantry yesterday evening was yours, it has. It has been some time when I was in Tirion last, but even I am aware a journey from Ereinion's halls to Elrohir's house does not take the time Elernil designated for it last night. His parents worry.'
'Parents always do. Have they asked him?'
'I believe they are hesitant to enquire into it.'
'Do you wish me or Ereinion to...?'
Silently Elrond shook his head and then gave Fingon a thankful smile.
'I shall speak to him myself.'
Fingolfin and Finarfin stood together, having just ended one of their private meetings. It had been the elder of the brothers who had called to the elfling, and who now, a broad smile on his face, watched the boy near, a hand held out in greeting.
'Suilad, Celebrimbor.'
Eyes glimmering, nothing of nervousness in them, Celebrimbor bowed his head and placed his hand in Fingolfin's.
'Suilad, hîr-nîn.' He bent his head shortly towards Finarfin as well, receiving a pleased nod in acknowledgement.
'Visiting the gardens?' Fingolfin asked, observing the child smile even more vehemently.
'I was on errantry.'
The brothers exchanged amused looks.
'For whom, pray tell?' Finarfin informed, more ready to place his undivided attention on the boy than to surrender it to some of the councillors who would no doubt soon start their bids for his ear.
'The Lord Fingon,' Celebrimbor answered importantly, grey eyes too serious for his years.
'And is it a secret what it concerns?'
Grinning, Celebrimbor shook his head.
'I had to tell Ereinion he had to come in again.'
From where he stood, mere steps away from both entering the halls and fleeing back into the gardens, Ereinion had no trouble observing and understanding the exchange between Celebrimbor and his grandfather. Self-consciously he held Celebriníel's hand still in his, and only a soft squeeze made him avert his gaze to meet her eyes.
'I have said before that everything had changed.'
She nodded. 'Yes.'
'If we go in there now it might change.' He seemed intent to bring across the message. 'Are you certain you wish this? Otherwise we could simply continue in relative quiet until you...'
Releasing his hand, for one dreadful moment he thought she would leave him, but instead she took his arm and smiled.
'Lead the way.'
As they re-entered the hall, both were aware of faces turning into their direction. Ereinion wondered how many would discard Celebriníel and her presence at his side as of no importance. Tirion had always seemed to believe its youngest High Prince would not marry, and at this moment, if only to protect the young lady beside him, he wished they would continue to believe it.
Raising his head, he was confronted with Fingolfin's eyes.
He was uncertain what he had expected to be there, but besides amusement there was nothing but kindness in his grandfather's features.
With deliberate steps he led Celebriníel towards the two Elf-lords, only meeting the High King's gaze when they halted.
'My lords.'
Finarfin smiled and stepped forward at once, while beside him Ereinion felt Celebriníel release his arm. Surprised, he watched her embrace her great-grandfather.
'You resemble your mother more each time I see you.'
Celebriníel laughed and blushed, curtsying to Fingolfin.
'It is good to meet you both again, my lords.'
'I trust my grandson has been behaving himself properly?' Fingolfin asked sincerely, nodding towards Ereinion.
'Very much so,' she assured him, glancing back at her companion. 'I could wish for no better guide to the gardens.'
It was not long before Fingon came to inform them they would be departing, and the party left the Council Halls behind them shortly after, making for the halls of the second High Prince of the City. Lunch was already waiting for them outside in the garden. It was rain that chased them inside at length, but it mattered little; the meal had come to its end and the table had merely been used as a place to sit and talk.
Helping to gather the last chairs and bringing them inside, Ereinion considered the weather.
'Most likely it will clear again in a moment.'
His mother came to stand beside him in the doorway as Fingon led their guests inside. Thoughtfully she nodded.
'Most likely.'
They stood silently like that a time, only the two of them remaining, the voices of the others travelling down the corridor. Neither of them truly heard what they said. At last the lady of the house shook her head.
'I am beginning to understand what you spoke of before.'
Ereinion looked at her.
'What I felt then... the situation seemed much darker at the time.'
'Indeed,' she smiled. 'But for me all falls into place only now. I could only guess, but seeing her, seeing you...'
Bowing her head she seemed amused.
Ereinion swallowed.
Ever since he could remember it had been so, here on Aman as in Middle-earth. Her opinions he valued highly. And yet for some reason he did not want to raise the matter. Still, never had he allowed fear of a possible answer stop his posing a question yet.
'I...' He shook his head. 'I would ask you what you think of her, but somehow the reply would not matter.'
Catching his hand she smiled to him.
'I suspect it would matter; but I doubt you would allow it to influence your actions.'
He grinned and looked out over the gardens.
'Perhaps.'
Releasing his hand she took his arm instead, speaking softly, her words meant for him alone.
'How can I think anything but highly of her? Even if I knew nothing of her, the small fact that she has won your heart counts for everything. She makes you beam by merely being at your side.'
Breathing deeply, he faced her, studying her expression before stepping closer and embracing her tightly.
'I fear I can make her very unhappy.'
'Then you must make certain you do not, Ereinion Ion-nîn,' she whispered back.
Sitting in the window, Celebriníel's thoughts were far away. It had gone well. Beforehand she had contemplated how awkward it could have become; the closeness of the families could have very well diminished completely with the knowledge or even the mere suspicion of what was between Ereinion and her.
But instead it had been just as she remembered these occasions from many years ago to be, when they had stayed in Tirion after Ereinion had joined the Council. The atmosphere had been light, everyone had seemed at ease, and never had she felt as if anything lingered between them tacitly. The past was too important to let a possible future influence it.
The only thing she considered she might have wanted, while fearing when it would happen at the same time, was to speak with Ereinion's mother. They had spoken of course, but in the most casual of ways, nothing more. She found she was not able to tell whether the Elf-lady suspected anything, or if she knew.
After Fingon's fall, his wife had remained with their son for a long time. Once, Celebriníel had even heard that it had only been after Gil-galad's death that the Elf-lady had left the shores of Lindon and exchanged them for the busy streets of Tirion. No doubt there was much she could learn. And they were alike, mother and son, everything in their manner emphasised it.
There were things she wished explained, and was hesitant to ask Ereinion himself. Her father might be able to tell her, but the two of them seemed to have little time for talk nowadays. For some reason she could not fathom she suspected it might be less difficult to speak to the Elf-lady.
Possibly because her thoughts were close to him, Ereinion's hand on her arm did not startle her. Looking up, she saw him smile while reaching for a strand of her hair.
'Suilad, lady.'
Before she could give a reply he offered his hand and pulled her up and along. They met no one in the house as they moved through it, heard not a sound, and finally slipped outside, apparently unnoticed, into the gardens, where she found the rain had stopped. Though in front of the window she had not paid much attention to the weather. She looked at Ereinion as they walked past the ornately shaped gates, leaving the grounds of the house behind them.
'Will they not mind we have gone?'
He smiled and entwined his fingers with hers.
'I hope your parents trust me enough not to worry. If we do not take such moments every now and then, we shall never have time to talk.'
She swung his hand a little, and they continued in silence a while. Ereinion's worries increased with every step they took. If they were to speak, many things would have to be pronounced, matters he had long tried to keep to himself, things he was loathe to share for fear of in any way burdening her with them. Yet, if he did pronounce it all, he would know where he stood... Where they stood, together or alone.
'I do not know what I can offer you.' The remark came as unexpectedly as thunder in a clear sky, to the both of them.
'What do you mean?' Celebriníel asked, meeting his eyes.
Ereinion smiled unconvincingly.
'You are aware of the nightmares.'
'Yes. Of course.' For a moment their thoughts were both on the same moment, a morning, in a garden, an unexpected visit. Bodies close, worry turning into relief, lips meeting skin.
He shook his head.
'I am not certain whether I can protect you from them.'
Clear. To the point. Do I have some unexplainable wish to end this before it has even truly begun?
They started to walk again, and Celebriníel fixed her eyes on the grass beneath her feet.
'You do not know if they will cease?'
Equally to the point. He had not expected any less of her.
'There is no saying.'
'You have these nightmares often?'
He smiled weakly. Actually, he did not think it qualified as a smile at all.
'Always too often.'
Expecting her to continue walking, he stepped forward, but she halted, suddenly very close, looking up at him. Too close, perhaps. There was no way to avoid anything now.
'Yes, but you are aware of what I meant,' she told him softly.
He nodded, looking at their entwined hands, unable to face her. He should have expected her to take this seriously. Part of him was glad she did.
'Not as often as in the past.'
Locking her eyes on their hands as well, Celebriníel entwined her fingers more closely with his.
'How could I mind sharing them with you? If it helps you...'
'I just wish you to know what... I mean... I... It could make you unhappy.'
Unexpectedly he looked up, meeting her eyes, again taken aback by how near she stood. Exasperatedly he shook his head, and she brought up a hand and caught his tunic as if she feared he would move away.
'I am aware of the possibility.'
There was nothing in her tone which told him if she had decided how it was to be already. It could mean she was undecided. Or had made her choice, and was merely protecting him. Looking down, he waited for her to release him and continue walking. Their hands were the last link between them before she let go and walked several paces ahead.
'How did they start, did you have them always?' she asked, halting, looking at him over her shoulder.
Nothing of pity in her eyes, nothing of dislike. No judgement of any kind, but it could merely be a matter of time. But he had started this, and he would bring it to completion.
'No,' he whispered, reaching for her hand again. 'Come.'
Brushing past her, leading her onwards, they climbed the last stretch of hill together, and suddenly looked out over a green meadow, its grasses swaying in the wind, the sun overhead, clear in the blue sky, as if there had never been the rain of before. Ereinion shook his head as he pondered the space.
'Ever since I was very small I remembered certain things, dreams, fragments, not making much sense, not mattering. But it was on a day when I had been playing with some friends. We wandered here, I think. It was warm. One of those typical summer afternoons, much like this one. And then I found myself on this hill, and saw a great army stretched out before me. There was a vast plain, and it was dusty and cold and it brought a coldness to my heart that felt familiar. Somehow, somewhere, there was something lurking in the dark, and it was my responsibility. As with the other images I had seen before, I did not understand. But it was then that the nightmares started.'
His voice had lowered to turn into a whisper.
'Do you remember it all?' she asked in the same quiet way, afraid to interrupt.
He nodded.
'Over the years I learnt of it all. Little by little I began to remember.'
'What is worst?'
'The end.'
She swallowed and lowered herself into the grass. He followed not long after. There was no need for her to ask further. In truth he had long wished to speak of it. The only thing that had stood against sharing it with her until now, in his mind at least, had been the possibility that she would send him away after hearing it, even though she had almost seen it herself, and had come to him rather then gone away.
'It is the moment just before everything becomes silent. My limbs hurt, sound is everywhere, confusing and nauseating and loud, so loud. It feels like a violation, perhaps it is, of a most terrible kind. Then my spirit flees, and that is the silence, and it is just as horrible. The contrast is too great.'
'Is it painful?'
'Sometimes. There are times when I swear I feel my...' He swallowed and stared out before him, feeling an echo of the sensation in his spine. 'Strange that of those long years we spent there, and all the horrid things we went through, that is the thing I remember most vividly. Or not strange at all...'
Neither of them spoke, but he did not dare to look at her. He clung to the fact that she had not risen, had not left. Yet...
'When I came to Tirion... You dreamed of this?'
He nodded.
'If I concentrate, the nightmares can be kept at bay for a time. I lost my concentration.'
'Because of me.'
'No.'
He noticed then that he had been watching her, and that only now she looked back at him.
'Did you not speak of the importance of the truth before?'
Shaking his head he rested back into the grass and growled as he rested an arm over his eyes.
'It would have happened sooner or later. You carry no responsibility whatsoever.'
'If I caused it, I would want to know, as to be certain I would not cause it again.'
'I would suffer countless nightmares gladly, relive it all if it meant you... But it is not the issue, Briníel.' He raised his arm and watched her.
'What is the issue then?' she asked, folding her arms, irritated.
Ereinion pushed himself up and touched her shoulder.
'That I cannot protect you from sharing them.'
'If I... had not whispered to you it would not have happened. There is no need to protect me from anything if it does not come to you.'
Touching her cheek he looked at her attentively.
'Neither you nor I... We cannot control it, and I will not live with the illusion that either of us can. Especially if it would mean you could not...'
With blazing eyes she completed the lingering sentence.
'Know your thoughts? Share all with you?'
He gave a short nod in reply. Celebriníel pulled up her legs, folding her arms and resting them on her knees.
'You seem to have narrowed the options down to very few, my lord,' she whispered at length. 'Either I abandon you, which is what you would rather have me do, I believe, in some misguided effort to protect me.'
He expected to receive an accusing glance, but did not.
'Or,' she continued, 'I remain at your side, and accept all as it is to be.'
There was nothing he could tell her. Hesitantly he reached out to touch her hair, and slowly let his fingers travel down to her back, where he rested his hand. Bowing her head, she allowed it.
'Either of these things,' she told him softly, 'have the ability to break me. Except that leaving you would more certainly make me miserable, where staying might still have any possible outcome.'
'Briníel,' he said softly, moving his hand to her side, all too well aware of her distress. 'Do not...'
She turned and faced him.
'Tell me to go and I shall.'
He could not. Weak as I am I wish you for myself, by my side, and to believe that we can overcome it all...
Looking away again, realising she would receive no answer other than his silence, she rested her chin on her arms and stared into the distance.
'What do you miss most from Middle-earth?' she asked after a while, remaining as she was.
'The freedom. Even if it was a freedom in appearance only.'
'You are not free here?'
He reached out to brush some hair behind her ear.
'I was a king in Middle-earth. I could do as I pleased. Being one among many more important Elves can be frustrating.'
'You could have had any lady you desired. Why did you never bind yourself?'
He closed his eyes. How to explain how he had dreamed of silver hair and had never found the lady it belonged to? Until now...
'It never came to that.'
'Were you ever in love?'
The answer came quickly to him.
'Gil-galad once thought he was. In the end, it might have been more of an urge for closeness, comfort, than anything else. His feelings confused me much at one point.'
'How can you be certain now, then? What makes it different?'
The weight of the question was hard to miss.
Shifting position he stared out over the meadow with her.
'Some say that in these matters there is lust, and there is love. It is a clean depiction of it all, but just as vague at the same time.' He shook his head. 'It does not explain my feelings, my desire to merely have you by my side, as you are now. Or my secret longing to feel what you are feeling when I touch you. I know I love you,' he added more softly, 'even if I cannot explain why or how I know.'
Celebriníel nodded, uncertain how to react.
The blue sky above them hosted groups of clouds here and there, but none could withhold Anar from shining hotly down. Crickets chirped, from one place one moment, and another the next, while a breeze chased over the meadow; the only thing keeping the true heat away. A lovely summer afternoon indeed.
In front of them a sea of green moved to and fro, with the rise of the other side of the hill coloured yellow, the shadow and sun contrast caused by the clouds making it appear almost as if it had dozens of more colours. At one point, there even seemed to be a hue of purple there.
Beyond started the first stretches of forest, the trees as diverse in colour as the grass; greens and browns, all in a wonderful variety.
And beside her sat a High Prince of the city of Tirion who had just quite directly told her he loved her. She had known he did, she had considered all the matters he had discussed with her moments ago before, but now that they lay in front of her, more real than ever, it was... difficult to reach the conclusion she had always reached before.
Ereinion seemed uncertain how to react.
'Perhaps we should make for the shade,' he pointed, indicating the small collection of trees, with their large branches providing more than enough shadow for a dozen or more. Hot air seemed to move above the ground at places.
Helping her up, his eyes were fixed on the yellow grassland further away.
'We used to chase clouds here,' he smiled, needing desperately to break the silence even if it was with idle chatter. 'If it is a windy day, there is nothing better than that.'
Nearing the trees, the grass became higher, with small blades adamant to attach themselves to their clothing.
Celebriníel did not even attempt to brush them off. Just before they reached their destination, Ereinion halted, waiting for her to meet his eyes.
'Nîn díheno.'
She smiled and looked away, the wind pulling softly at her hair. Catching her hand in his, he pulled back her attention.
'The reason... The reason for me bringing up all of this...The coming betrothal ceremony. My cousin's. I wished that as well.' He looked away. 'I am a fool.'
'I...' she began, then shook her head and fixed her eyes on the hills opposite of them.
Ereinion felt as if he had been dropped into an abyss, deep and dark, while Celebriníel remained standing at the precipice. He wanted to hit himself against the head. Of course she could not love him now, naturally she would hesitate. She would leave now, he was sure of it. It was over.
'I understand,' he whispered, wishing to make it easier for her. 'After what we have spoken of...'
'Yes.'
He stared at her.
'Yes?'
'Yes. Yes, I wish it also.'
His breath caught in his throat and he had to remind himself to continue respiration as he felt his heart almost beat out of his chest. He could feel the heat in his cheeks, slowly building up elsewhere in his body as well. Blue eyes locked with his so insistently that it only increased his sudden urge to simply lift her up in his arms and carry her off, to whichever place suited them best.
Instead, he stepped closer, to find himself welcomed in her arms.
'I shall never let you go...' he whispered, and watched her chuckle as he felt her hands grasp the back of his tunic.
'Nor I you, Ereinion. Nor I you...'
And then nothing truly mattered any longer, except perhaps her lips finding his willingly, his hands travelling her back as she pressed against him, and her hands in his hair as he pressed back.
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Nîn díheno: Forgive me
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*scurries off in search of silver rings* ;)