Chapter 33

When I awake, I can tell by the light cast into the room that it is mid-afternoon. We must've slept for a few hours after Peeta's episode.

Peeta's episode.

I am not at all surprised to find that I am sleeping so close to Peeta that we are almost intertwined together. But I am mildly shocked to find that my head is resting directly on warm bare skin. Peeta's chest. Right above his heart.

"Hey." Peeta's chest rumbles as he speaks. It startles me a bit. I forget that he wakes up earlier than I do. I tilt my head back and find that he's looking down at me. The momentary panic I had over Peeta's lack of clothing disappears once I meet his gaze.

"Hey."

His jaw clenches a bit before he says quietly, "I'm sorry about earlier."

"There's nothing to be sorry for, Peeta," I say.

Peeta moves to shake his head but I lay my head back down on his chest, wanting nothing more than to convince Peeta that I do care for him. Deeply. And that nothing he does can ever turn me away.

"How bad was it?"

"Bad," I say. I know that if I said it wasn't, he would refuse that.

I can almost feel his grimace through where I lay. "I'm sorry you had to see that."

"I'm not." His body shift a bit, as if he has moved to look at me.

I wonder now if Peeta understands how deeply I care for him. Or if he's just not observant when it comes to what I feel for him.

But I know that part of me doesn't know what I feel for Peeta yet. And if Peeta happens to ask me right now, I probably wouldn't know that answer to that.

"You know, right?" I say quietly. It's not much of a question.

Peeta shifts slightly. He's silent, contemplating my words.

I rest my hand on his chest. "You know how I feel about you, right?"

"I can guess a little bit," he admits quietly. "Because you're still here."

Heat floods to my cheeks, but I prop myself up on an elbow to look at him. "I won't leave you. I won't do that."

He looks up at me, his eyes clearer now. A bright blue that draws me in like the ocean in District 4. A blue that echoes the sky in spring.

I can only hope that he understands what I mean. That I really am not going to leave. That I'll stay by him no matter what. That we're a team. That together, two broken people can become indestructible. That our story has formed a bond between us that cannot be severed by venom or war.

Its only as he props himself up next to me so we're facing each other that the bedroom door opens. Haymitch's head pokes in, disheveled. "If you two lovebirds are done up here, can you get out of bed and come downstairs? If you hadn't forgotten, we have a-"

"We'll be right down," I interrupt, wanting to save the surprise of Cinna's arrival for Peeta. Haymitch grumbles something about incompetence before shutting the door firmly.

Peeta shoots me a questioning look. "You'll see soon," I promise him as I flip the sheets off of us and scoot off the bed. "Its nothing bad, I promise."

His fingers snare my wrist in a soft grip, forcing me to turn and face him. "Katniss, I really want to thank you for last night. I'm sorry if I scared you or hurt you."

This brings forth a wave of irritation. "Peeta, you didn't even lay a finger on me," I say, exasperated. Though technically that's a lie since he touched my face after the episode, I'm right. His touch was neither violent nor murderous. Instead, it was tender.

He looks hurt. "You don't have to lie to me," he says stubbornly. "I won't be angry."

Suddenly, I am. "Peeta, you didn't. If you had, you would either be with Haymitch right now or I would have run off already."

The hurt in his eyes multiplies for a moment as I realize what I just said. "But I won't leave," I add quickly, trying to repair the damage. "Even if you had hurt me, Peeta, it would hurt me more if I left."

He gives me doubtful look, for the damage is already done. The need to reassure him that its the truth suddenly becomes overwhelming. I move towards him and take him into my arms, pulling him close. I inhale the scent of his skin, savoring it. Trying to permanently fix it into my memory.

"I promise you I won't go anywhere," I say quietly. I mean every word of it. I say it firmly, with belief. The belief that we help each other grow stronger. "I promise."

Peeta pulls me tightly against him in a crushing hug, and mumbles against my shoulder, "I hope not."

It takes a while to get Peeta dressed appropriately and out of bed, but soon, I'm leading him down the stairs to the living room where Haymitch is sitting, talking with Cinna.

As soon as Peeta sees Cinna, his jaw drops and he hurries to greet my so-called deceased stylist. His face in animated, as if he can't believe Cinna is alive and well. I know the feeling all too well because I can hardly believe it myself.

Peeta's face darkens for a moment when he sees what has happened to Cinna, but he doesn't let that stop him from being a good host as he offers everyone to stay the night for supper. Cinna declines politely with the excuse that he still has to settle in at his new house while Haymitch merely grunts and shrugs. We take that as a yes.

Cinna stays to talk to us for a while as Haymitch swaggers out of the room to go check on how his geese pen is coming along. "You look well, Peeta," Cinna says warmly as he prepares to leave.

Peeta smiles genuinely. "I only wish I felt as good as I look then." I sit beside him, not quite touching him.

Cinna stands, taking the sight of both of us in. "Well, I have to get going. I'm sure my assistants are wondering where I've gone." Peeta moves to help him to the door, but Cinna asks him quietly for a moment with me. Peeta, of course, obliges, and leaves the room quickly.

Cinna turns to where I sit on the couch. "Does that happen often?"

"Does what happen often?"

"The episodes."

I bite my lip, chewing on the chapped skin there nervously. "That's the first one in a while," I concede after a moment.

Cinna doesn't speak. "He hadn't had one ever since he returned to 12. Well, not that I know of. We've only recently started..." I clear my throat. "An arrangement."

"I see." Cinna moves to stand near where I am sitting. I move to stabilize his tall thin frame but he shakes his head. "How much do you cherish Peeta?"

The bluntness of his question hits me like a brick. I've asked myself this question countless times, only to come up with a jumbled response at best.

But there's something about Cinna that yanks the truth out of you. That makes you trust him. That lets you know that he would never betray you.

"A lot." There. That's the truth, right? But one look at Cinna's eyes tells me that its not enough of an explanation.

"I practically told the nation how I felt about him on national television," I say quietly. "I'm sure you've seen it."

"Yeah, but that's why I'm asking you now," he says.

I shrug. "What's the difference? Not much can change in the course of two and a half weeks."

"You just said you told the nation how you 'felt'."

The impact of his words strikes down. Oh. So that's why he knows things have changed for me about Peeta. Dammit, Katniss. Why can't you be good at words like Peeta?

"I..." I take a deep breath and steel myself. Deciding to entrust Cinna with my emotions and feelings. "I really can't live without him. He's the part of my life that holds me together."

Cinna raises an eyebrow. He knows I'm holding back.

Under his knowing gaze, I crack. "I think... I care about him," I whisper quietly, staring down at my folded hands in my lap. I'm ashamed that I'm reduced to revealing my thoughts to Cinna like some petty schoolgirl, but what other choice do I have? I don't have any girlfriends I can turn to for advice. And Haymitch is the closest thing I've got, if I'm willing to put up with his mocking jabs and cruel teasing.

Cinna's words are gentle, but pressing. "We already know you care about him."

Its these words that push me over the edge. Perhaps its time for me to really open up to people. Not everyone. But Peeta. And Cinna. Maybe Haymitch. There's no secrets to hide from Peacekeepers or Snow. There's nothing to hold me back.

Except myself.

So I break down that barrier immediately, if not reluctantly. Katniss Everdeen has never been one to trust, but this time, I can't survive on my own. I can't bottle it up inside until I burst. Because if I burst, I might never get pieced back together. Because if I hold it in, who knows if Peeta will move on and I will regret not asking Cinna for his advice?

The words come out easily, if not quietly.

I'm still timid about them, but never surer.

"I think I'm in love with Peeta."