Chapter 37 ~ The Truths Out

JPOV

'I can't believe it, Pads. I really think I blew it. I was just so angry. And disappointed I suppose, I mean what was I meant to think? She flirts with me all the time, she was touching me earlier-'

'She was what?' Sirius butted in, but I shot him a quick glare and carried on. He's so perverted.

'-then she takes me down to that lawn behind the far wall.'

'Wait… that far wall?' Sirius interrupted again, eyes wide.

'Yup.' I nodded.

'The couples far wall.'

'That would be the one.' I sighed. 'I guess I just got my hopes up.'

'I bet that's not all you got up.' He waggled his eyebrows suggestively. I threw a pillow at his head.

'Not helping. She's sitting there with her head on my shoulder, then when I lean in for a kiss, BAM, she practically runs away from me.' I dropped my head into my hands.

'Then she starts shouting about another girl…' I shook my head, still at a lost to where she got that idea from.

'Other girl? That's crazy!' Sirius exclaimed. 'Where does she get her ideas from?'

I think he meant it rhetorically but I answer anyway. 'I dunno. She just mentioned something about the end of October, and how we're all keeping secrets from her or something…' I rubbed my head, truly confused as to how her mind works.

'Ow!' I squealed as Sirius whacked me around the back of the head. 'What's wrong with you?' I shouted, massaging my head.

'What's wrong with you?' he shouted back. ' Lily… secrets… October…' he said suggestively, like I should have a clue what the hell he wass talking about. 'Bleeding hell Prongs! What happens every year at the end of October?' he asked sarcastically.

'Hallow- Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.'

'Yeah, oh, you bloody idiot.' He snapped.

'You don't think she remembers do you?' I asked, panicked.

'Not if she's asking you about it, stupid.'

'Oh yeah.' I let my head drop into my hands as I realised what I had done. 'Oh crap.'

'I was wondering when you'd get it.' Sirius sighed. 'What are you gonna do?' he asked, suddenly serious.

'You know you sound a lot like Remus right now.' I moaned.

'All knowing?' Sirius laughed.

'Something like that' I mumbled, and received a shoe in the face in return.

'Here.' Sirius dumped some parchment in my lap. 'Go find her.'

I opened up the map and my eyes were instantly drawn to her name, 'Lily Potter'.

'Is that the…?' Sirius asked over my shoulder.

'Yup. That would be the heads common room.' I let out a heavy breath.

LPOV

It took a while before I could move. The shock had me stuck to the spot. Hours passed and my thick coat was no longer enough to keep out the frosty winter chill. I tugged my hat down further over my ears and tucked my head into the neck of my jacket like a turtle, but it did little to revive my frozen limbs.

It was the constant arrival of excited looking couples that eventually drove me away. It was like horny teenagers were being attracted to this particular spot. And they weren't happy about my being here.

Grumbling, I pulled myself up from the damp grass and hobbled away, my legs numb from pins and needles.

It was only as I pushed through the doors to the entrance hall that I realised just how cold I had gotten. My entire body was shaking, and I could barely hear over the chattering of my teeth. I was in no mood for food or company, so I slipped past the great hall, and avoided the stairs that led straight to the Gryffindor common room, and instead headed to a room I hadn't been into for a while.

In hindsight, I don't know why I never use it. It's small and cosy and the house elves always ensure that the fire has been lit, so it's always warm. Of course, there is a much greater chance of running to James Potter in here than the other common room seeing as he is the only other legal occupier of the room.

It took me a while to remember the password, but once I was in I got a shock. Not only was the place a complete mess, it didn't look like a common room at all, more like a bedroom. There was a duvet crumpled on the couch, cloths hug over the backs of chairs, and books spread out across the table, a quill leaking ink all over a piece of parchment.

I whirled around as I heard the portrait swing open behind me. James Potter stood in the doorway, the light from the corridor shining around him making him look like a messenger of Merlin.

'What is this?' I asked, sweeping my hands around the room. 'You've been sleeping here?'

He nodded.

'Oh. When Remus said you hadn't been staying in the dorm at night I just thought...' James raised his eyebrows as if he were disappointed in me.

'You though what?' he grimaced.

'Never mind.' I mumbled, ashamed. 'But' I continued more confidently, 'that's just one reason why I thought you were lying to me.'

James stepped away from the portrait hole and sank into one of the empty armchairs. 'And the other reasons would be…?' he enquired. At least he didn't seem to be angry anymore.

I unbuttoned my coat, and began pulling off all my layers. I thought James's eyes were going to pop out of his head. 'Calm down, James.'

His tan skin seemed to darken a little as he averted his gaze from me. With a pile of cloths at my feet I finally got my sweater off, and looked down at the jersey.

I stood silently for a few minutes. 'I don't understand Lily. How does a Gryffindor shirt show that you're anything more than loyal to your house?' James asked.

I sighed thinking he would have caught on by now, but turned around anyway so he could see his name printed on the back.

I heard a deep intake of breath. 'You wear that around?' he asked quietly.

'It's comfy' I shot back, feeling the need to defend myself. 'Besides, I couldn't just walk up to you and give it back. I don't even remember how I got it, I just woke up and one morning, and I was wearing it over my pyjamas.'

'Pyjamas' James scoffed. 'More like underwear.'

'I knew it!' I cried. 'You gave it to me, you know what happened!' James jumped as I raised my voice, and leaned back further into the armchair.

'I do?' he asked.

'Ahh!' I growled, throwing myself down onto the sofa. 'Why are you doing this James, why can't you just tell me what you keeping from me?' I squeezed my fists together to keep from hitting something.

'I have no idea what you're talking about.' He replied in a neutral tone. I knew he was lying as soon as he raised his hand to his hair.

'You're lying!' I screeched. 'You know exactly what I'm talking about!' I jumped up, plonking myself on the arm of his sofa, and grabbed his hands in mine.

'Okay, so maybe I don't understand why you can't tell me, but please, James, I have to know. I have to. Please. There's something inside my head, and I don't know what it is, I just know that it's there, and it's driving me crazy not knowing what it is. I wake up every morning, with this feeling that … something has happened, something has changed, but I never have the foggiest idea what it is, and I have these … black… spots in my memory where people have relayed whole conversations that they have had with me, and I can't remember having ever had them.' Unbeknownst to me, tears had started falling thick and fast at some point during this speech and I was holding James's hands in a death grip. He didn't complain, just gently eased my fingers from his and drew me down into his lap and encased me in his arms.

'I didn't know, Lily, I didn't know.' He kept repeating softly, stroking my hair and kissing the top of my head, his voice filled with anguish and guilt.

It felt good, safe, wrapped in James's arms. Slowly the hysterics subsided, and the embarrassment set in.

I shifted uncomfortably in James's hold, suddenly aware of how I was sprawled across him. If anyone walked in right not they would definitely get the wrong idea. James, however, seemed perfectly happy to remain this way, and when I tried to escape his arms, he just tightened his grip and pulled me in closer to his chest.

'I'll tell you, Lily, I'll tell you. I should have said something earlier, but I thought I was doing the right thing, please Lily, please believe me. I wouldn't have done it; I wouldn't have kept this from you if I hadn't thought it was going to help you. If I had known this was going to happen…' James stopped talking abruptly and this time when I pulled back, he let me. His eyes were for once, avoiding mine. He looked so troubled that I suddenly forgot why I was angry at him, forgot the reason I was here, draped across him, and thought only of cheering him up.

'Hey James' I murmured softly, cupping his cheek in my hand, 'I do believe you.' He finally looked up at me, his hazel eyes shining with emotion. 'I know you wouldn't do anything to intentionally hurt me.' It was as I said the words aloud that I finally believed the truth in them. 'I've been a bitch to you today.' I said flatly, realisation making me honest.

This got a low chuckle from James and a husky, 'well… yeah.'

'Hey' I said, swatting his arm.

'You said it first. I was just agreeing with you. Because you are always right.' he tacked on the end when he saw me raising my arm again.

'So, what is it then?' I asked quietly, picking at the tear soaked patch on James's shirt. 'What happened?'

James's breaths quickened, his chest rising and falling so quickly it felt like I was sitting on a seesaw. 'I don't really know how to say it, Lily, apart from to just come and out with it. It's probably not the best way to do it, but it's all I've got so…. here goes.' He eased me back from him so his eyes were level with mine, and took a deep breath.

'It happened at the Halloween ball. You were… really happy-'

'What?' I couldn't help myself from interrupting. 'I was really happy? What the bleeding hell is that supposed to mean?' I demanded.

James huffed but answered my question. 'I was trying to find a nice way to say that you were completely plastered.'

'Oh.' James nodded at me.

'Yes, now this is hard as it is, so please, no more interruptions?'

I nodded meekly and gestured for him to continue. 'You had taken Johnny Waters as your date' hard as he may try, James couldn't keep the bitterness from is voice, and I felt the overwhelming need to explain myself to him.

'No! James! It wasn't like that!' I cried, needing him to understand.

'Lily, seriously, it doesn't matter. I mean it did,' he corrected himself, 'but I'm over it now.'

'But the thing is James; I didn't really want to go with him. It was Marlene and Mary's idea-'

'Stop. Lily, you don't have to explain yourself to me. Like you've said before, you can go out with whoever you like.' I opened my mouth to argue but James once again cut across me. 'I thought we agreed on no more interruptions?' James pointed out. I unhappily snapped my mouth closed.

'So you were … happy…' James paused, raising his eyebrows for permission to continue. I nodded quickly. 'Waters and I had a bit of a… disagreement. Nothing happened!' He assured me as I opened my mouth, 'and I went off to cool down – and I lost track of you.'

'You were keeping tabs on me?' I asked appalled, but secretly sort of thrilled that he cared so much.

'Do you want to know what happened or not?' James demanded, avoiding answering my question.

'Sorry. Carry on.'

Sighing James continued. 'So I couldn't see you in the hall, and I mean it's not like you're hard to miss what with your hair' My heart thumped loudly when I heard this, 'and the fact that you were tripping over your own feet.' Okay, maybe not so much.

'Anyway, I knew that Water was an arsehole, of course if I had realised how much of an arsehole he is I never would have let you go with him, no matter how much you hated me for it.'

'James?' He looked up at me, and I got a shock when I saw the amount of anger shining in his eyes. 'You seem to be getting a little side tracked.' I pointed out meekly, leaning away from him and his aura of darkness.

'Right. Well, I saw you and him go outside, and I knew what he was expecting from such an expedition. Of course, you were completely smashed, and in no state to defend yourself from him.'

'I don't understand', I butted in once again, but this time James made no move to stop me. 'Why would I need to defend myself against Johnny? I mean sure, he's an arrogant prat, but surely he's not … dangerous?' I asked, but from the look James was giving me I already knew the answer.

'I was too late, Lily. By the time I got to you, you were already pretty messed up. You got in a few good shots of your own though.' He grinned savagely, sounding like a proud parent.

'Messed up?' I murmured.

'You do understand what I'm telling you, don't you Lily? He tried to rape you.'

'Oh.'

A/N: Ahh, the truths finally out!

And you can find out Lily's reaction to this news in the next chapter, which may or may not be quick depending on whether my hotel (I'm going on holiday! :D) has computers or not. But fear not, whether or not I'm typing the chapter, you can rest assured that I'll be thinking about writing it

And speaking of chapters, what did you think of this one?

Love Anna-Cate xxxx