Explanation/Disclaimer: Mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it…

Quickie 36: Christmas Special part 1

We open to a blank black screen… but then the words "SPECIAL" spin in a multicolored fashion until it sits centered on the screen.

Announcer: "We join our friends getting ready for Christmas at Ash's house. With only 10 days until Christmas, what adventures await our heroes? And what type of Christmas bonus will I be getting this year? Last year all I got was a gift certificate for the jam of the month club. Cheap bastards..."

10 DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS…

"WOOHOO!" Ash cheered as he headed up his front walk, "Finally, home for the holidays! There's no place like home for the holidays."

Gary nodded and said, "Its always good to come home for the holidays. I dunno why, but it always makes me feel happy in a million ways."

Ash opened the door and was greeted by his mother who rushed up and hugged him and said "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"

Ash and Gary exchanged a glance, and Ash said, "Umm... Mom... its not my birthday... its Christmas time... remember?"

"Oh yeahhh.. I forgot…" Ash's mom said, "I forget things sometimes. So where's Misty and Brock?"

"They decided to go to their own families for Christmas" Ash explained, "I said I'd call them when I got home. They're going to meet me here after New Years so we can head back out on our journey."

"What about those other two people you've been traveling with? May and Max I think their names were?" Ash's mom asked.

"Oh, they went home too, I said we'd go back to their place to pick them up to continue our journey after the holidays are over."

"Well," Gary said picking up his bag, "Speaking of getting home, I should be heading home too. You're going to come over tomorrow and help me hang Gramps lights, right Ash?"

Ash nodded, "No prob, Gary, then you can help me get our Christmas tree."

Ash's mom looked confused, "Why are you putting up lights Ash?"

Ash rolled his eyes, "Because its Christmas mom... remember?"

"Oh yeah..." Ash's mom said remembering, then giggled and said, "But aren't we Jewish?"

Ash shook his head, "I'm afraid not..."

"Oops!" Ash's mom said rushing out of the room, "I'd better call the Rabbi and cancel that dinner invitation!"

Gary looked at Ash, and said, "Thank god she's quite a piece of ass, or else she'd be in trouble."

"God damn, why does everyone talk about my mom like that?" Ash asked.

Gary shrugged, then left to go see his grandfather. As soon as the door shut, Ash's mom called to her son, "Hey hunny! Brock is on the phone for you."

Ash picked up the receiver, "Hey Brock, what's up? I just got home I was just about to call you... whoa whoa... easy there Brock, what's the matter. I see... you took your brothers and sisters to see Santa. All of your siblings? All 15? Wow. It gets worse? Santa's beard came off? Uh oh... Then what? You siblings were so mad they what? Where'd they get the nunchucks? Oh, I see... So what did the police do? I see... isn't that lethal? Only in high doses? I see... so where are the kids now? I see... well since they are all in lock up until the new year, why not come here? Sure, your more then welcome to. See you in a few days. Bye Brock."

"Ash? Hunny?" Ash's mom asked, "What was that all about?"

"Nothing really," Ash replied, "But we're going to have Brock over for Christmas. And if the police call, you don't know nothing..."

"Oh, this is will be just like the time that your Uncle Gacy came for Thanksgiving." Ash's mom said happily.

"Yea… I never liked how he would bring over a funny look roast every year." Ash said with a rye face.

9 DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS…

"Alright Ash," Gary said pointing to his house, "What I'm thinking here is to trim the entire house with these multicolored lights. Then we'll..."

Ash interrupted, "Come again? You're house is three stories tall... how are we suppose to get the lights up there?"

"We have pokemon don't we?" Gary said sarcastically, "Your Noctowl could fly up there for us."

"And how exactly would we keep the lights in place?" Ash replied sardonically, "My Noctowl doesn't exactly have thumbs."

Gary sweatdropped, "Do you have to argue about everything Ash?"

A little while later, while nailing the bottom lights into place, Ash asked, "So Gary, what do you want for Christmas?"

"I dunno," Gary said, "It'd be cool to find an ultra rare pokemon like Articuno under the tree."

"An Articuno!" Ash asked exasperated, "That's a bit much don't you think?"

Gary shrugged and said, "Hey, everyone could make it easy on themselves. I'd settle for cash... how about tens and twenties?"

"TENS AND TWENTIES!" Ash cried out, "Even my own neighbor has gone commercial!" Then shook his head and went back to work.

"All I want is what I have coming to me!" Gary said, "All I want is my fair share..."

Ash rolled his eyes, "Alright Gary, it looks like we got the bottom lights on... now how do we get those up there?"

Ash and Gary thought about it for a moment then Gary said, "Hey Ash, you have a Bayleaf, right? Why don't you have your Bayleaf lift you up to the roof with vinewhip and keep you steady and you can hammer the nails in?"

"That doesn't sound safe..." Ash said hesitating.

"Come on..." Gary said, "You're not chicken, are you?"

"CHICKEN?" Ash said, "I'll show you, BAYLEAF, come on out!"

A few moments later Ash stood three stories above the ground on top of Professor Oak's roof. "Alright Bayleaf!" Ash yelled down to his grass pokemon, who had its vinewhip wrapped securely around Ash's waist, "Hold on tight. Now Noctowl, bring me up that strand of lights.

The owl pokemon did exactly as Ash asked, and flew up carrying a string of lights. Ash put the pile of lights on the roof and started hammering nails into place. Ash leaned over and put the lights into place and tossed the rest down to Gary so he put the two ends into place.

Unfortunately for Ash, the one end was a little too short, so Gary gave a tug trying to get a little bit more slack. The slack that Gary needed was under the foot of Ash. So with one tug, out goes Ash's foot, and off the roof he goes.

Fortunately for Ash, Bayleaf had a grip on Ash to stop his fall.

Unfortunately, Bayleaf's grip was on Ash's jeans, and Ash slipped of them and continued his decent.

Fortunately, Noctowl was there to pick up the slack. It swooped down and caught Ash stopping his decent again.

Unfortunately, Noctowl's sharp claws ripped through the clothing it grabbed. Even worse, it was Ash's underwear, so the young teen continued his decent bare-assed.

Fortunately, Ash finished his decent by landing naked in a pile of snow.

Unfortunately, Ash finished his decent by landing naked in a pile of snow.

Gary looked at Ash shaking his head and sitting up, his lower half covered my snow and said, "The lights are a little crooked up there still Ash."

Ash grabbed his pants from his blushing Bayleaf and muttered, "...and tidings of comfort and joy to you too..."

"Hey," Gary said shrugging, "Just be thankful I didn't crack a 'snowballs' joke."

Ash groaned and stood up, dressed now. "Well, plug them in, I want to see if they were worth me getting frostbite of the ass for.!"

Gary walked over to the end of the cord and said, "Uh oh Ash... you threw down the wrong end! You have to go up and switch this all around."

"WHAT?" Ash cried out, "Are you f bleep ing kidding me?"

Gary smirked and said, "Actually, yeah, I am."

"Santa's going to take a shovel into the reindeer stall to fill your stocking, you know that, right?" Ash said annoyed to his friend.

"That'd be a pretty crappy gift..." Gary replied with a grin.

"You're getting pretty good with those puns, huh?" Ash admired.

"Yeah... its catches..." Gary said, then added sardonically, "...like a virus."

"What do flu mean? Are you saying it bugs you? It makes you sick?" Ash asks.

Gary frowned and said, "Alright alright, enough... let's see how these lights look..."

Gary plugged the lights in and stood next to Ash. The house gleamed brightly with multi-colored lights. "Awesome!" Ash said.

"Yeah!" Gary agreed.

"Bay! Bay!" Bayleaf agreed also. Noctowl landed on Ash's shoulder and hooted in agreement.

Ash and Gary stood and watch the bright house glow its christmas cheer and Gary said, "You know what Ash? This is the real meaning of Christmas, isn't it? Friends and pokemon together in friendship, the good feeling of the season flowing through us and lifting our spiriting into... into... hey... wait a second... What the… why the hell are those lights blinking?"

Sure enough the lights on the house had started to blink. "Its not that big of a deal," Ash started to say.

"Of course it is!" Gary exclaimed, "Blinking Christmas lights are so 1998! I made sure we got non-blinking lights, so why the hell are they blinking?"

"Mysteries of Christmas?" Ash suggested.

Gary looked at the strand of lights up close, "Hey Ash, maybe if you went back up onto the roof you could..., Ash?" Gary turned around to find that Ash was no where to be seen, "Ash? Man... where's his Christmas spirit?"

8 DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS…

It was flurrying lightly as Ash and Gary headed off to a lot to get a Christmas tree. "You know," Gary said, "After you left so quickly yesterday, you're lucky I'm keeping our agreement to help you get a tree."

"If you think that I was going to go back up to that roof again..." Ash stated.

"Wuss." Gary muttered.

"Whatever," Ash muttered back, "Alright, now remember, I want the perfect Christmas tree. Tall, full, not too thin, not too fat, nice and fresh, no dried needles, a bluish green hue to it, and it should come to a full point, and if possible it shouldn't have two little chipmunks living it that'd destroy our home for taking their home."

"Like Chip and Dale?" Gary asked.

"Not really, I like playboy myself." Ash replied, "But we really should discuss things like that on a kids program."

"Yeah, like any kids are still watching." Gary muttered.

After walking for a little bit, Ash turned to Gary, "Hey, do you have any idea what a sugar plum is?"

"A sugar plum?" Gary repeated, "Um… Actually I have no idea… but isn't it sort of like a plum soaked in syrup or something? Kinda like those canned pears in syrup, except in this case, its plums in syrup."

"Hmm…" Ash said, "I dunno, well, here we are."

INSIDE THE LOT...

"Too bad we only have one tree lot to choose from," Ash complained, "I like to shop around."

"You mean you lived in a place that had lots and lots of lots and lots?" Gary asked.

"You stole that line from an old episode of Law and Order and you know it!" Ash accused.

A halo appeared over Gary's head as he said, "I have no idea what your talking about."

Ash scratched his head and asked, "How do you make that halo appear?"

"Stole it from an angel." Gary answered.

Ash shook his head, "There's just something so wrong about that."

"So…" Gary said pointing out a one foot tall Douglas Fir, "How about this one?"

Ash looked at it, tilting his head a bit, "It's a little small, isn't it? This isn't a Charlie Brown special you know…"

"Good point, don't want anything to do with that sanctimonious little bastard." Gary said walking away.

"Ummm…" Ash asked, "Did you just call Charlie Brown a bastard?"

Gary ignoring him, said, "Well how about this one!" Gary stood in front of a tall 9 foot Spruce. Ash looked it up and down, "It's big…" Ash said, "But is it me, or is it kinda tilting to the right a bit?"

Gary looked at the information card on the tree and said, "Well, here's the problem, it's a Republican Spruce."

"Nah," Ash said, "That's one should really be conserved."

"Nice one…" Gary said

"Thanks." Ash responded, "Hey, what about this one?" Ash walked over to a tall specimen of evergreenery, "Nice size, stands straight and tall… what kind is this?"

Ash picked up the info card and read, "The British Humor Pine, aw, man..."

"What's the problem?" Gary asked, "Lot's of people like British Humor Pines."

"Yeah, but look," Ash said shaking the tree a bit, a lot of pine needles fell off, "these trees are notoriously dry."

Gary rolled his eyes, pointed to another tree and said, "What about this one?"

Ash took one look at it and said, "Oh come on, that's not even an evergreen, it's a dogwood!"

"How can you tell?" Gary asked.

"Just listen to the bark." Ash said deadpan.

"Well this one's not so bad…" Gary said, pointing out a tall Blue Fir.

"Hmm…" Ash said looking it over, "I've definitely seen worse trees… I think this one will work out very nicely. Now if we can just get a salesman over here… ah, here comes one…"

A tall man with a kind smile came up and said, "So, did you find a tree you like?"

"Yep," Ash said, "I think this beaut will do nicely."

"Ah yes…" The man, who's name tag read: Mr. Olivander, said amiably, "Blue Fir, 7 and a half foot, very wide in the base, a very nice choice, it'll make a lovely holiday tree."

"Yes it certainly will, I think…" Suddenly Ash stopped and said, "I'm sorry… it'll make a lovely what?"

"A holiday tree." the clerk explained.

"And…" Ash said his eye twitching slightly, "What… may I ask… is a holiday tree?"

"Oh, that's the new term for a tree you decorate at the holidays, because the term Christmas Tree is offensive. We have to be PC you know."

Ash blinked in amazement for a moment and repeated, "Holiday Tree…"

"Ummm… yes…" The man said unsurely.

"I see… and do we call menorahs Festive Candelabra now?" Ash asked sarcastically.

"Oh nooooo." the man said, "We call them Holiday Candle Holders."

Ash shook his head sadly and spoke softly, mostly to himself, "It's a shame… I really liked this tree… well… it can't be helped." And then to the man he said, "Well… Mr. Holiday tree salesman… I'd like to introduce you to my good friend here…"

Ash reached into his pocket and pulled out a pokeball, and released his Charizard. "This…" Ash said pointing to Charizard, "Is my Charizard… I like to call him the PC Police. Whenever I find a place that has gone so crazy in the pursuit of being PC that it must be put down, I call upon him. Charizard… you know what to do…"

MINUTES LATER…

Ash called back Charizard from the flaming wreckage that was once a 'Holiday Tree lot" while happily whistling, "chestnuts roasting on an open fire."

"Ash…" Gary said annoyed, "Don't you think that was a bit excessive?"

"Meh." Ash said shrugging, "The world should thank me."

"Well… thanks to your insane rampage, we're never going to find a tree now…" Gary said annoyed.

Ash responded, "No problem, because I think we have a winner, this tree is PERFECT!" Indeed, it really was perfect.

Gary whistled in appreciation, "You're right…, About 8 feet tall, perfect color, perfect shape, that's gotta be the best tree of the season."

Ash grinned and said, "yeah…"

"Only problem is," Gary said, "It's already strapped to the roof of that man's car."

Sure enough, the tree had just been roped down onto the roof of a car parked across the street in the lot of an orphanage. Ash looked at Gary and said, "Your point being…?"

"What are you suggesting?" Gary asked.

"Well, we could always take the tree from the roof… I mean, we did see it first… well second, but no reason to get bogged down by semantics." Ash reasoned

"Let me get this straight." Gary said, "You're suggesting that to help celebrate this joyous and holy holiday that teaches love and kindness to our fellowman, we should steal the Christmas tree from the roof of car, while the owner of said vehicle is inside an orphanage and probably making a donation. "

The two exchanged stares for a minute.

TEN MINUTES LATER…

Gary and Ash were carrying their perfect tree back to the house. "You know Ash," Gary said, "There's something about stealing a Christmas tree off the roof of a van from an orphanage that… oh… I dunno, just seems kinda… not in the Christmas spirit."

"You watch too many Christmas specials, my friend," Ash responded.

7 DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS…

Ding Dong!

"I'll get it!" Ash yelled upstairs to his Mom.

Ash opened the door, and was greeted by Brock, "HEY MAN! Merry Christmas!"

"Thanks Ash, same to you, thanks for letting me stay here." Brock said with a grin, coming in from the cold.

"Hey, no problemo!" Ash said, "The more the merrier. That's why Snow White was so happy."

"Actually," Brock said, "Recent studies have shown that Snow White wasn't happy at all, she knew full well that the apple was poisonous, she just wanted to end her miserable existence of cleaning up after 7 runaways from a side show."

"What was she so depressed about?" Ash asked.

"Apparently she couldn't sexually satisfy any man."

"Really…" Ash said thinking, "Is that why she always said, 'someday my prince will come'? "

Ash and Brock turned to the camera then and took a bow. "Aright then Brock, you have to tell me the whole story. What happened with your bros and sisters when you went to go see Santa?"

"Ok," Brock said, "You see, what happened was…"

Suddenly Ash's mom came in and said, "Hunny, do you have any idea where we put the menorah away last year? I've been looking around all over but I can't seem to find it."

"Ash," Brock said raising an eyebrow, "I didn't know you were Jewish."

"We're not." Ash sighed and shook his head, then turned to face his mother, "Mom… we went over this just the other day. We're not Jewish. We don't celebrate Hanukkah, and we don't own a menorah."

"Are you sure… what was that fancy candle holder we got then?" Ash's mom asked.

"Remember, that was a souvenir from when we saw Beauty and the Beast on Broadway… it's a Luminare Candlestick." Ash explained.

"Ohhhhh…" Ash's mom said and shuffled out of the room, "That does why our traditional holiday song had the same tune as "Be Our Guest."

With that, humming, Ash's Mom left the room. Ash pinched the bridge of his nose in annoyance and shook his head. Brock put a consoling hand on his friend's shoulder and said, "Well… at least she's hot."

Ash just sighed.

"So anyway," Brock continued, "I see you've been making Christmas cookies! Can I have one?"

"Sure… as long as you don't call them 'holiday cookies.'" Ash muttered.

"What?" Brock asked raising an eye.

"Never mind." Ash said dismissively, "Help yourself…"

Brock took a cookie, Ash saw which one he took and quickly tried to yell, "No wait, don't eat the red one… ooooo… too late."

Brock took a bite of the cookie… quickly made a face, and gagged. "Bleah!" Brock yelled, "That's horrible!"

"Sorry…" Ash said, "I made a small batch of Pikachu's favorite Ketchup cookies."

Brock looked at his half bitten cookie with disgust for a moment and said, "You know… it might be funny if we sent Tracey a box of these for Christmas."

"Nah." Ash said, "Tracey won't eat anything you offer him anymore… not since you gave him those brownies made with X-lax."

"Ah yes…" Brock said fondly remembering the incident, "I gave them to him as a snack to eat on that 15 hour bus ride."

"That WAS kind of cruel of you…" Ash scolded.

"What? The brownies or the bus?"

"Actually I was referring to the reason he was on the bus was because you had enlisted him into the Marines without his consent." Ash reminded.

"Yeah… he thought he was going to Disneyworld… the look on his face when he got off the bus… I wish I could have seen it." Brock said laughing then stopped when Ash gave him a stern look, "What? He was sectioned 8 real fast. The first time he tried to sketch his drill sergeant on the latrine. So it all worked out in the end. So… where am I sleeping? Because if there's not enough room, I can always bunk with your Mother…"

"You don't want to live to see Christmas… do you?" Ash warned.

"So, I got a question for you," Ash said, sitting down

"What is it?" Brock asked.

"What exactly is a sugar plum?" Ash asked.

Brock stared at Ash for a second and then said, "You know… I'm not really sure… I think it's a plum dipped in sugar, isn't it?"

Ash shrugged, "I dunno. That's why I'm trying to find out… I want to know if I have anything of the sorts dancing in my head."

"I see…" Brock said, "Nice tree you got this year."

"Thanks!" Ash said, "It was a steal."

Brock raised an eyebrow at Ash but didn't say anything, then said, "Well, I guess I should get to baking."

"What?" Ash said, "You just got here!"

"True, but as long as I'm here I want to spend as much time as I can with your mom in the kitchen." And with that he took off towards the next room.

"Think we can get him neutered for Christmas?" Ash asked Pikachu, who nodded in agreement.

6 DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS…

"Admit it!" Ash yelled rolling on top of Gary, "You're WRONG!"

"NO!" Gary yelled, kicking Ash off and tackled his friend, "You're the moron who has it wrong."

The two teens tumbled across the room knocking the nearby stool over, and crashing over the recliner and then onto the couch.

Brock came running in from the kitchen when he heard all the noise, "Whoa, whoa WOAH!" Brock yelled trying to pull the two guys apart, "What the hell is going on here? I thought you two were out caroling?"

"We were," Ash said angrily, "Except Mr. I don't know my lines here had to go and ruin it."

"What are you talking about?" Gary said annoyed, "You're the retard who kept changing the names of the songs to have to do with pokemon."

"What? I thought my rendition of "We wish you a Slugma-rry Christmas was quite nice."

"No, it wasn't, nor was your, "Silver and Goldeen song either." Gary retorted.

"Well what about you?" Ash complained, "You wanted to sing, "These are a few of our favorite things…, what the hell does that have to about Christmas?"

"It has A LOT more to do with Christmas then "Aipoms We Have Heard on High… nor did my true love give me a "Delibird in a Pear Tree."" Gary said annoyed.

"And then you embarrassed us at my old friend's Jose's house." Ash said red in the face, "The song is "Feliz Navidad… NOT The Fleas on My Dog."

Gary yelled, "Well that's not nearly as bad you trying to sing Dreidel, Dreidel Dreidel"

"I thought they were Jewish!" Ash yelled back.

"He was wearing a priest's collar!" Gary yelled back, "We had knocked on the church's rectory!"

"And… and THEN the worst!" Ash said turning to Brock, "Would you PLEASE tell Gary that the words to "We Three Kings" go: "Fields and fountains, more then mountains, following yonder star"?"

"And would YOU please tell my idiot friend here," Gary said to Brock, "That that is NOT how the words go, it goes: "Fields and fountains, then the mountains, following yonder star."?"

Brock stared at them both for a second and said, "Are you telling me THIS is what all the fighting is about? Guys… guys… guys… I think you're missing the true spirit of going a wassailing. This is about spreading love and joy… …and getting paid for it. Don't you see how this petty argument goes against EVERYTHING that the holidays stand for…? Why… let me put it to you this way…"

Brock walks off a bit, turns off the lights and says, "Lights please…" And sure enough for some reason, a spotlight lands on Brock. "And there lies in the field shepherds tending their flock… and the angel of the lord said to them, "be not afraid… for I bring you glad tidings of great joy. And then the angel said that both of you are wrong, because the song goes: "We Three Kings of Orient are; bearing gifts we travest a-far, fields and fountains, MOORS and mountains following yonder star.".

After a moment the lights came back on and Brock said to Ash and Gary, "and that is the true meaning of why both of you are stupid."

Gary and Ash tackled Brock down dragged him outside and stuffed him in a snow bank, proving that the true moral of a "Charlie Brown's Christmas" is that nobody likes a smart ass.