A/N: For the MA-rated version of this chapter, check it out at archiveofourown.
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
Amy had snuck in the bathroom after Sheldon as he took his shower, and Sheldon heard her enter over the din of the water.
"If you perform what is commonly referred to as 'number one'…" he began in the opening of a speech she had heard before. "…I ask that you refrain from flushing the toilet until after I have completed my shower." She removed her robe and hung it on the back of the door. "However, if you—"
Amy pulled back the curtain, revealing her body, completely nude except for her panties and the shower slippers Sheldon insisted that they both wear during their stay. Wet from head to toe, and his hair slick with water, his face was the picture of shock.
"Hello," she said.
"Amy?" was all he could formulate to say. She paused a moment; she knew that with Sheldon, pacing was everything. "What are you doing here?"
She was calm, but firm. "We're not finished," she said.
Sheldon looked around, struggling to make sense of his current situation. "And you want to finish here?"
She nodded.
"But the others might hear."
"A risk that will only make our dalliance more tantalizing."
She put one foot into the shower, and then the other, and pulled the curtain shut behind her. Then she got closer until she was right under him, only centimeters between their bodies.
"Sheldon," she said, the words coming to her, "you are the man I need you to be. You always have been and you always will be." Holding on-to the railing on the wall, she drew herself up closer to his body, and he looked down at her with anticipation. Closing her eyes, she brushed her lips on the underside of his neck… then his chin… then his lips. Opening her eyes, she turned her face back up at him; she could already see Sheldon relenting a bit. "Kiss me," she said.
He looked down at her and, with his mind seeming to come into focus, he lowered his head to hers, tentatively tapping her lips at first, but then beginning to really kiss her back; unlike before, she could feel the first hints of hunger on his lips. He started to ease up after a moment, but she took his chin in her hand and held him there, and he began pressing harder (pressing deeper) as they both got more lost in the moment. She could feel the water making her wetter and wetter; droplets from the showerhead rained down on her, while tiny rivers of moisture coursed down Sheldon's body and down to hers. She continued clinging to the side rail with one hand, and moved her other hand to his chest, digging her fingers into his soapy flesh. As if by magic, Sheldon's hands began to rise as well, and one landed on her hip while the other hovered lightly over her breast. As the kissing intensified, so did his grip.
In the hand on her hip, he was also clutching a rag. Without breaking lip lock, she reached down and took the rag from his hand. She pulled away.
She looked at him, drenched and panting, with an intensity that hypnotized him.
"Tell me you desire me, Sheldon," she said, staring him dead in the eye.
Three hard breaths and he echoed her words. "I desire you," he said.
"Tell me you need me," she said, leaning on the word "need."
He was breathing through his mouth, his eyes were heavy and his bottom jaw trembled as he answered. "I need you."
"Tell me you love me," and her voice cut out a little, pleading, when she said "love."
He nodded faintly, sniffling a little the water that was dripping into his nose. "I love you," he said, "I love you very much, Amy."
She smiled a little, and then she leaned forward, bringing her mouth right by his ear. "Tell me you'll fuck me."
When she pulled back he was completely still, and damned if she didn't see him stare at her with renewed concentration. He didn't say it, but then again, he probably figured he could show her better than he could tell her.
Penny gently peeled back the comforter and slipped from bed as quietly as she could. She didn't want to wake her husband, but Leonard heard her just the same.
"Penny," he said, sleep in his voice. "You okay?"
"Yeah," she said. "Just gotta go and pee."
"Need any help?" he asked.
"To go pee? No." She paused a moment, shaking the numbness from her leg. "Just go back to sleep and get your rest. You have to wake up in an hour."
Penny reached a hand forward and felt the wall as she went. The apartment was dark, but the kind of dark that signaled that dawn was nearing. On her way to the bathroom, she suddenly realized that stronger than her urge to relieve herself was her craving for Mike and Ike's. She took a detour to the kitchen and opened the cabinet, groping around for the stash of boxed candies from which she'd been grazing for days. She pushed in the paper tab on one and filled her hand with candied pills, thrilled at the sound of the licorice candies sliding into the palm of her hand. She was about to pop some into her mouth when the light suddenly came on. She spun around and saw Beverly standing by the light switch; Penny started screaming at the top of her lungs and a moment later Leonard scrambled out of the bedroom.
"What happened?" he asked.
Gasping for air and grasping her chest, Penny pointed to his mother.
"What are you doing here?" Leonard asked.
"I spent the night, obviously," Beverly answered simply, completely nonplussed.
"Um, why?" Leonard asked, baffled.
"Because, en route to the hotel, I learned that it would be hosting a children's conference for the weekend. Need I even say that I would rather endanger the integrity of my spinal column by braving the craters and valleys of your couch than endure the unmitigated torture that comes with a sea of misbehaving urchins." She placed her hand behind her. "However, considering the knot I have in my lower back, I'm questioning the soundness of my decision."
"How did you get a key?" Penny asked.
"Oh, dear," Beverly said amused, turning her head. "I made a copy of that several visits ago."
"Mom," Leonard said tersely, "you can't just barge in as you please without permission."
"Leonard, Leonard, Leonard," Beverly said, sighing, "At the beginning of my arrival you all but pleaded for me to except your offer of lodging and now you whine because I've taking you up on that offer. Your inconsistency leaves with me with little choice other than to believe that your indecision is a pathetic attempt at manipulation. As your entire childhood should have taught you, however, I am impervious to such passive-aggressive ploys for control."
"AAARRRGGGGHHH!" Leonard screamed in total frustration. Penny knocked back a handful of candy.
"Interesting choice of snack," Beverly said, directing her comment to Penny, "particularly considering the arrangements you've put in place to deliver exactly nine days from now."
Penny spoke through a mouthful of goo in her mouth. "What does that mean?"
"It means I would imagine you'd be avoiding glycyrrhizin at this stage in the game."
"What the hell is glycyrrhizin?" Leonard asked.
"An active ingredient in licorice. It has long been proven to be a labor-inducing agent in pregnant women, as evidenced by extensive studies done in the country of Finland, where the typical citizen consumes two pounds of the confection each year—the highest percentage in the world."
"Look, Beverly," Penny said, already marching off. "I'm not having this conversation with you. I've been eating Mike and Ike's for weeks and haven't even had so much as a contraction. I'm going to go and pee and then I'm going back to bed." She disappeared behind the door.
"Mom," Leonard said, just barely repressing the ire he felt inside. "You have got to leave Penny alone, you have to respect boundaries and you have to—and I can't emphasize this enough—stop analyzing every damn thing we do."
"Very well, then. I'll leave you, your wife, your boundaries and your unresolved psychological demons to stew on their own without my assistance."
"Thank you," Leonard said. "We'd really appreciate it."
She went to the couch to collect her things and prepare to leave. Just as she opened the door, there was a loud shout from the bathroom.
"OH SHIT!"
Leonard jogged off in the direction of the bathroom. "Wait, Mother," he said with a sigh, "don't go just yet."
Beverly shook her head. "I knew he'd need me," she said, and shut the door.
Amy and Sheldon made their way to the kitchen, exploring their breakfast options. The kitchen, and the whole house for that matter, was shockingly quiet.
"It seems everyone has gone out for breakfast," Sheldon said as he trailed Amy.
She walked to the pantry, opening the door. "Seems they've made a wise decision," she said.
Sheldon peered over her shoulder. There were cans of soup, various canned meats, Pop-Tarts and a box of Fruit Loops.
"Oh how I bemoan the lack of high-fiber options," Sheldon said.
Amy walked over to the fridge. "There's Hot Pockets," she said.
Sheldon sighed. "It would practically be unseemly to eat such a thing so early in the morning. Or ever."
"Well, there're also Eggo's," she said. "And they are whole-grain."
Sheldon was suitable pleased. "Okay," he said, suddenly jolly and joined her at the fridge.
After locating the toaster, scrubbing it, plugging it in, and locating the syrup, Amy and Sheldon sat down, awaiting breakfast. Just then, Patch and Kristen entered the kitchen, presumably entering from the back porch.
The air was a bit icy between them.
"Good morning," Patch said, feigning cheeriness.
"Good morning," Sheldon and Amy muttered in unison.
"Aw, come on, guys," he said, walking over to the coffee machine and poured himself a glass. "That flaccid greeting will never do."
Kristen snickered.
"Perhaps we would be friendlier if you apologized," Sheldon said.
"For what?" patch said.
"For accusing us of dishonesty."
He stirred his cream into his coffee. "Very well then. Sheldon, Amy, I apologize for accusing you of cheating. It is clear to me that you are a very harmonious couple and credibly know quite a bit about each other."
"I forgive you," Amy said.
"I don't," Sheldon said. "But for the sake of Amy, I'll put for an effort to keep a cordial rapport."
"Aw, Sheldon," Patch said, taking a seat at the table. There was a hint of mockery in his tone. "You'd think you wouldn't be so grumpy after getting lucky last night."
Sheldon—utterly mortified—snapped his head to Amy. She grinned back mischievously.
"I am afraid you are mistaken," Sheldon said.
"Am I?" Patch said. "My room's right next to the bathroom. I hear every flush, every fart, …every moan."
"Now that is enough," Sheldon yelled, pushed from his seat.
"No need to be bashful," he said. "That's why I date younger women. My peers have no appreciation for the eroticism of sexual spontaneity."
Sheldon was apoplectic. "This conversation is entirely out of bounds, Patch, and I demand that you dispense with this kind of talk immediately."
"Please. Have some respect," Amy said.
Patch and Kristen looked at each other, thoroughly amused. "I'm surprised that you agreed to a weekend with this group," he said. "They usually don't mix prudes and nudes."
"I have no idea what that means," Sheldon says, "but it sounds vulgar and I—"
"Simmer down," Patch said. "Kristen and I just came to get some coffee and head back out to the patio with the gang." They rose to leave.
"Why are you wearing a Speedo?" Amy suddenly asked, the nature of his attire dawning on her for the first time.
"And why is she wearing a bikini?" Sheldon asked.
"Well, considering that we're in a 'family situation,'" Patch explained. "I thought a little modesty was in order."
"Modesty?" Amy said. "What would you typically be wearing?"
Kristen and Patch looked at each other, confused. "Nothing."
"Do you mean to tell me that everyone is outside absolutely naked?" Sheldon asked.
"Come see for yourself," Patch said, and walked out of the back door, as Kristen followed.
Panicked, Sheldon ran to the back door and stuck his head out to a see the patio covered with every shade of skin imaginable, and not much else. He ran back inside, gasping.
"Was it bad?" Amy asked, now standing.
"I believe the damage done to my eyes is irreparable."
"Unbelievable," Amy said.
"That's it! This is had gotten completely out of hand," Sheldon said, marching to the communal room. "I'm calling Beverly." He snatched the phone off the receiver and dialed her number. Based on their other attempts to reach the woman, Amy didn't expect her to answer, but was stunned when Sheldon spoke. "Hello, Beverly," he said. "We need to talk."
"Put it on speaker," Amy begged, and Sheldon did so.
"I would reply with a greeting," Beverly said, "but I have no idea with whom I am speaking."
"This is Sheldon," he clarified, "and Amy and I just had the horrifically disturbing experience of walking out to the patio of our lodging facility, only to be greeted by six adult humans wearing the exact same clothing they were born with."
"They were nude?" Beverly asked.
"Yes," Sheldon replied. "They were nude, and two others were very scantily clad."
"That's not surprising," Beverly said. "Dr. Singh is a nudist. He likely recruited participants from his association."
"As much as it grieves me to say so, I suspect that you deceived us as to the exact nature of this venture for personal advantage, although I am unsure of what that advantage might be."
"Oh, come now, Sheldon," Beverly said. "You'll be given at least $1000 a piece for your efforts. Some discomfort and exposure to an alternate lifestyle is a small price to pay."
"Excuse me," Amy said, joining the conversation. "Did you say $1000?"
"I don't know what the exact figure is. You'll have to discuss the particulars with Dr. Singh."
"But you said that we would be compensated at $20,000," Sheldon said.
"Then I misspoke," Beverly said. "I believe he has budgeted $20,000 total in compensation to the participants as a whole."
"Which means if there are ten participants," Amy said, "then we will only be getting tenth of that figure a piece."
"Yes," Beverly said. "Of course, after you deduct my finding fee."
"Which is how much?" Sheldon asked.
"Eight-thousand dollars," Beverly said.
"EIGHT-THOUSAND DOLLARS!" Amy and Sheldon screamed unanimously.
"I find it to be a shockingly low amount as well," Beverly said. "I hope he realizes this is my retirement gift to him."
"That leaves us with a paltry $2400 as a couple," Sheldon said, aghast.
"Sheldon," Beverly said, exasperated, "I quoted that approximate figure at the outset of this conversation. Honestly, this conversation is growing more circular by the minute."
"Beverly," Amy said, her voice rising, "you should know that this amounts to a breach of contract and—"
"As much as I would love to entertain this tirade," Beverly said, "I must go. I am preoccupied with other business."
"And what business might that be?" Sheldon said. "Swindling other unsuspecting test subjects?"
"Actually," Beverly said rather casually. "Penny's in labor."
ENDNOTE: Thanks for your continued enthusiasm and devotion to this story. Lio continues to be tops!