Remember how I said Katniss had learned to give me space after a flashback?

That was before this flashback, apparently.

"Peeta, if you just talk about it, we can get through it," she said. We were a few hours away from checking out of the hotel to head back to 12. I had asked for a couple of more days, not ready to be in such a closed space with Katniss, so I had Dr. Aurelius say that I wasn't fit to travel yet.

I spent most of my time in his office so that I wouldn't be around Katniss.

"Peeta, please," she begged, and I finally snapped.

"Fine! You want to know what I thought about? Mitchell, and how much I hated him for protecting you on that night. I thought about how you heard Gale in the Quarter Quell when the Jabberjays attacked. Snow told me that Gale was your lover, and that's why you heard him, and not me." My breath came out in short gasps. I didn't even know why I was so angry. The flashbacks always made me like this. That's why I try to avoid being around her, at least until Good Peeta resurfaced.

I didn't notice her cringe at my words. "Why didn't you hear me, Katniss? I'd have heard you. You were the only one I'd have heard."

She ran away after that. It'd been a long time since she's run away from me, and I knew she had headed to her safe haven, a closet.

What the fuck was I doing?

We never should have come here.

I finished packing, relieved to be going back home, but going home meant that I would be around Katniss.

Katniss.

Shit.

I better go make up with her.

I go towards the front of the hotel door, where the coat closet is, and see Haymitch there.

"What did you do?" he hissed.

I shrugged. "She asked about my flashback, so I told her." My voice was cool and he turned to me.

"We're an hour away from getting on that train. If I need to knock you the fuck out until that chip on your shoulder shrinks, let me know."

I thought about the train ride home when I was leaving the Capitol, so many years ago, when Haymitch told me that if he thought I'd hurt Katniss, he'd kill me himself.

I sigh, my anger finally deflating.

"I hate flashbacks."

Haymitch lays a gentle hand on my shoulder. "I know somebody who probably hates them more, just like the way you hate her depressions."

It took about twenty minutes to coax Katniss out of the closet, and she couldn't mask the betrayal in her eyes.

"I don't get it," she said softly. "It's been almost ten years. We were married the other day. How can you still let him come between us?"

"I don't mean to," I explained. "It's the flashbacks. It makes me remember things, and even though I'm not in the flashback anymore, sometimes the distrust lingers."

She sighed and looked away. "We should go."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Needless to say, the train ride was tense. The three of us sat on the train, silent, until my lack of sleep got the better of me.

I woke up to Katniss gently shaking me. I had fallen asleep at the table, my head on top of my hands. "Come on. Let's just go to bed."

I hesitated, but remembered how I had no desire to kill her. I glanced at Haymitch who was staring at us, legs spread across the coffee table, and I knew he was only doing this because Effie wasn't with us.

He gave me a slight nod and I stood up. Katniss and I headed to our room.

I thought about sleeping on the floor, but as if she could read my mind, she smacked her teeth and pushed me on the bed, and then climbed in next to me.

I was moody enough, but definitely way too tired to put up a fight.

We both were asleep in minutes.

"Peeta. Peeta," said Katniss fiercely, and I sat up, quickly, my heart hammering, my face sweating, my hands clammy. "Are you okay? You're shaking."

I gasped for air, looking around. How long had we been sleep? It was dark outside now.

"What do you need?" asked Katniss. I shook my head, holding up my shaking hands. I just needed to breathe. It'd been years since I'd had an actual nightmare, and this definitely wasn't me dreaming of Katniss being dead.

Just breathe, Peeta.

Slowly I lied back down, my heart still accelerated.

Taking her cue from me, Katniss lied back next to me.

I knew she wanted to ask if I wanted to talk about it, but I'm sure my response to the last time she asked was still in her mind.

"I still remember the last time my mother hit me," I told her into the dark. I felt her tense beside me. If there were people I didn't talk about, it was my family. I talked about my dad every now and then. But I never mentioned my mom. The last time I had talked about her was when Katniss and I had added her to the book after visiting Annie.

She'd been added to the list of villains.

"What happened?" asked Katniss.

"I'd been home from the first Games about a week. I'd just moved into Victor's Village and it was my first time getting from there to the bakery. I was but a few minutes late, and my mom was already up, and already fussing.

"I started making the morning bread, but my hands were shaking."

"Probably from me breaking your heart," muttered Katniss.

I snickered, my first laugh in a couple of days, and turned to her. "No. I had started having nightmares, and this was before I had started painting. It was a mixture of fear and not really getting enough sleep. Funnily enough by the time the Victory Tour came, I had wished my only problem was you not loving me."

She reached out and brushed my hair out of my face. It was the first contact I hadn't cringed at. She smiled at me as I stayed still.

"Go on."

"Anyway, I was making biscuits, and rolling the dough, but my hands were shaking so badly that I dropped one. I don't know how my mother knew, but she knew. She always knew. Maybe she had a camera and I didn't know it. All I know is that she stomped down the stairs, screaming at the top of her lungs, about how useless, worthless, and wasteful I was, and even though I was now rich and famous they were still suffering—which was a lie, of course. My mother had refused to move to Victor's Village. She refused to be so close to 'that Everdeen woman,' as she called your mother.

"In the cave, I never once thought about how telling that story would affect my family, or yours for that matter. I didn't know it'd open old wounds. Hell, I was half delirious from pain. I never thought I'd make it home and be alive to see the repercussions of my actions.

"In retrospect I know she was so vile to me because I had told all of Panem that story. And I also now knew why she hated me so much: because I'd loved you since I was five years old. She called it a sickness, the day I got back, like you and your mother were a disease without a cure." I paused. "I guess that's true. But I'm okay with that." Katniss smiled. "She tried to plant my head with lies. She'd tell me you'd never really love me, and if you showed me interest, it was only because we had more money. She told me how girls from the Seam sold themselves just to eat, and that you were no different. But I never believed her about you, or anybody for that matter. Anyway, she came downstairs, yelling, screaming, and a nightmare was just so fresh in my mind, clogging my memory and brain, and she came up to me, hitting me, pounding on me, and I snapped.

"I turned around, and at first I told myself that it was because I thought I was back in the Games, and all I was doing was protecting myself, but that was wrong. I knew who she was. I knew exactly who she was. I snapped.

"And for the first time ever, I hit my mother back." I paused, the silence only interrupted by the humming of the engine of the train.

"Hard. Not a slap. Not a shove. No. I balled up my fist and hit her in her face, so hard that her neck snapped back and she damn near flew across the room.

"I think I would have kept hitting her, except my dad heard the first hit, and he stopped me, immediately. I yelled at her, though, told her she'd better not ever hit me again, because I was a killer now, and there were people in that Arena who I had killed that were more innocent than her."

I wasn't looking at Katniss now. I was afraid of how she would look: terrified? Disgusted? Appalled? I'd hit a woman. Not just a woman, my mother.

"I walked out after that. I walked out and vowed I'd never come back, but then my dad came to see me. I told him I'd never apologize, and he said he'd never ask me to. He just asked that I never do it again. And I didn't. But she never touched me again, either. She was still cold, still cruel. And I remember, for so many years, fearing that every woman suffered from the same madness my mother did. And then I met Delly, and she showed me that women can be kind. And then I had a few girlfriends—"

"Girlfriends?" Now I looked up and couldn't help but smile at the look on Katniss' face.

"Just because I've loved you for twenty years doesn't mean I didn't have other girlfriends, Katniss. We were sixteen when we entered the first Games. I'd had a few girlfriends, though only one was serious."

"Who?"

"I doubt you knew her."

"She was another townie?"

"Yes. There was only one Seam girl for me," I said, cupping her cheeks.

"Smooth. Real smooth, Peeta."

I laughed, this time a full laugh.

And then I sobered up. Gulping, I continued. "I'd been angry at my mom, because I'd hated her for as long as I can remember, but as time went on I realized how bad what I had done was. Sometimes, not often, I'm afraid that I'll snap like that again. Because I was completely and totally in my right mind, Katniss. That was way before the hijacking."

"That's why you shut yourself away afterwards," she breathed.

"The flashbacks make me so angry, Katniss. Over the smallest things. The Gale thing does not bother me anymore. It doesn't. It hasn't for years. But when I have a flashback about him, those shiny memories shine brighter than reality sometimes."

"Peeta…."

"I had a dream that you were my mother tonight. I relived the entire thing in this dream, down to the exact words, verbatim, but when I hit her, she was you. And I didn't feel disgust, or fear…. Just anger. And all I wanted to do was keep hitting you until you were dead. How am I supposed to live with myself when I wake up?"

"It's a dream, Peeta. Do you expect me to hate you because of a dream? You would never do that in real life."

"I already did," I argued.

"To a woman who'd pushed you for sixteen years. She picked on you and bullied you, Peeta. You wouldn't do that to me." Katniss scooted closer to me, sliding her hands down my chest.

I felt something stir.

"None of that matters to me," she said, her voice low. "Frankly, I'm more concerned about who this girlfriend of yours was."

I blinked at her. "Seriously?"

"Was it Delly?"

"What's with you and your suspicion of me and Delly? She's more my cousin than Gale ever was to you," I said cheekily.

Katniss didn't smile though. "She could always reach you when I couldn't." I stared blankly at her. "In 13. She was only one of the few who could calm you down."

"Katniss, have you been harboring that for all these years?" She didn't answer. "Well you couldn't calm me down at first, Katniss, you were a mutt to me. But you calm me down now," I told her, pulling her to me. "Even if Delly and I had had something, it's long over, Katniss. She's married, and so am I. And you're who I love. You're the only woman I've ever loved, okay?"

She relaxed into me and then pushed me away. "It's not funny, Peeta," she scowled as she felt me laughing.

"It is! If I told Delly you were jealous of her she'd be mortified. She's the closest thing I've had to a sister, besides Prim."

Katniss looked at me. "You consider Prim your sister?"

"Sister-in-law," I told her.

She blinked back her tears. "I love you, Peeta."

It always hit me like a ton of bricks when she said it. "I love you too, Katniss."

A few hours later, thunder woke me up out of my slumber.

I shifted and saw the rain beating against the window. I sat up, careful not to wake up Katniss, and pressed my head against the cool glass. Lightening flashed, brightening up the sky enough to show dark clouds.

I stared at Katniss, who was currently sleeping peacefully, her face relaxed. When the lightening flashed it brightened her features, and like many times before, I was struck at how beautiful she was.

I could watch her sleep all night.

Still, the need to check on Haymitch pulled me out of bed. He'd been sober for nearly five years now, give or take a few relapses, but I knew he hadn't mentally prepared himself for this trip to the Capitol, and I could only hope that he was behaving himself.

I was about to knock on his door when I heard voices coming from the living room. I made my way there and saw Haymitch and Effie talking through the TV.

How the hell?

I'd never understand the Capitol's technology.

"You honestly look dead on your feet, Haymitch. You sleep much better through the night now. Why don't you get some rest?"

"Says the woman who's up at four in the morning," said Haymitch.

"I'm about to get ready for work. You've been up for at least two days straight." She stared at him crossly.

"Okay, Princess, I'll go to bed. But I'm sleeping with the light on."

"Your secret's safe with me," she said with love. "Don't forget a blanket. Call me when you get home."

"Will do."

I crept away, noting Haymitch was fine, and vowed that I'd never tell his secret either.

We were all still facing our demons, and I didn't think it'd ever change.

When I got back to the room, Katniss was sitting up, her knees to her chest, her eyes vacant.

Oh shit.

I couldn't have been gone but five minutes.

I rushed to her and climbed into bed, wrapping my arms around her.

"Your name is Katniss Everdeen. You're twenty-five years old. You're the older sister of Primrose Everdeen, the wife of Peeta Mellark."

I felt her tense, which was a good sign, because normally she'd just sit there. "You like to hunt. You trade game and sell it for way less than it's worth. You're fearless. And wonderful. And beautiful. And I love you." I kissed her brow and I felt her relax.

"Mellark," I heard her whisper after a few moments, and I looked at her. "My name is Katniss Mellark." I'd have been touched if her voice hadn't sounded so small.

I kissed her temple. "What triggered it?"

"The thunder. It sounded like bombs. I thought I was back in 13." Her voice was still so tiny it hurt.

"I'm sorry I left you."

"Where'd you go?"

"To check on Haymitch." She leaned in closer to me.

I lied us down, back under the covers, and pulled her into me so that her head was resting in the crook of my neck. "Better?" I asked her, and she says the simplest phrase that put all the pain of the flashback and the dream far, far away from my mind.

"Always," she spoke softly, and I could feel her smile as she said the phrase I always whispered to her.

I swear when I think I know her, she finds the sweetest ways to surprise me.

Yay! So I found time to post!

I'd like to welcome all the newbies to this story!

I don't know why but this is one of my FAVORITE chapters of the whole book. I just think it's so intimate, and there's always something about Peeta and Katniss on a train that makes me feel all mushy LOL.

I hope you guys like it as much as I do!

-thamockingjayandpeeta