Potara - Chapter 37: Power and Shame

Pan stood outside of the her family's house, practicing her martial arts quietly to herself. She hadn't been able to sleep at all, and waited until her father went to sleep to sneak out. The question was constantly plaguing her, keeping her awake. How had she killed Black? She found herself pondering that question while she refreshed herself on how to actually fight. Piccolo had been right when they fought, everything was uncomfortable and alien to her. Its like her body, her mind, and her ki didn't recognize one another and were completely off-balance. She was honestly surprised she had been able to even use the Kaio-Ken yesterday in such a state.

She kept going through the moves of Turtle style, Fox style, and the 'Saiyan way' of fighting Vegeta had taught her. Minutes turned into hours, and before long, the sun started to rise. She was tempted to sneak back into her room and act like she hadn't been out, but figured the sweat on her body and the bags under her eyes would give her away anyway so she kept going. Though, once she detected her mother and father getting up for the day she raised her ki so they'd know where she was and wouldn't think she'd run off again. She focused back on her training, but kept a small part of her mind on her parent's ki signatures, tracking their every movement and counting down the time before they'd come out and she could finally get some answers.

She was relatively satisfied that her fighting form had recovered, but that was only at her base state. She'd need to get a spar or two at Super Saiyan 2 to properly re-adjust to fighting at that level of power again. She started to grow annoyed when an hour passed and her parents made no move to come out and talk to her. What were they waiting for? Or was she expected to go to them? She pinpointed their location and resisted the urge to turn around and glare at them when she determined they were watching her out of a window.

She paused as a loud, VERY audible grumble erupted from her stomach and unbalanced her. Oh right, she hadn't eaten since... um... actually, she didn't know. She hadn't eaten at bare minimum since she had awoken from the coma. So at least almost a full day if not more. Mrs. Stomach sure wasn't happy with that.

"Pan, sweetie, I heard that from here. Come in an eat breakfast," called out Videl from the window.

Pan decided to give in and made for the door, walking into the house and making for the kitchen. Mom had already made her a bowl of cereal and was pouring another for her. Pan sat down and devoured the cereal, and the next five bowls her mother made for her. When she finished, Videl walked around the table and wrapped her arms around Pan, giving her a tight hug.

"I'm glad your finally awake and back home Pan, how are you feeling?" asked Videl tenderly.

"Fine I guess, my body and ki have been a bit strange since I woke, but I think I'm getting the hang of everything again," replied Pan.

Videl moved and sat down next to her. "Your ki... what exactly do you feel? Because it does feel strange to me."

Pan frowned for a moment. "Bra said the same thing."

"Everyone did when they felt you fighting Piccolo," said Videl.

Pan sighed. "Mom, please don't start..."

Videl held up a hand. "I'm not going to scold you for that. I want to focus on the here and now. What do you feel about your ki?"

There was a soft footfall and Pan turned her head to see her dad leaning against the doorway of the kitchen, keeping an eye on her.

Pan refocused. "Well, when I woke up, I almost couldn't feel it at all. It felt so distant, like it was hardly connected to me at all. I had to nudge it alot and then just brute force yank it back to me before I could even move my body. After that, I didn't really notice anything about my ki itself, just that my body didn't seem to react to having it properly until I began to actually use it."

"Hmm," murmured Videl.

"What does it feel like to you?" asked Pan.

"Well, honestly, I hardly recognized you with my senses when you powered up. There was a distinct 'Pan' feeling to what I felt, but the quality and structure of what I felt was completely different," said Videl.

Pan gave her a blank looked. "Huh?"

"What she means, is that we knew it was you, but it felt like a different you," said Gohan, "Before, your ki would often feel focused, serious, and then explosive when in use. Now? I can't get any sensation of emotion, your ki just feels like its constantly in motion and swirling around, like the eye of a hurricane. Even when your just sitting here doing nothing but eating."

Pan blinked a few times, pondering it. She had never really asked what her 'ki' felt like to others before. Dad's ki felt quiet and reserved, like the calm before the storm he could become when angered. Mom's was a happy, warm beacon that she could always go towards. She focused off in the distance. Grandpa's presence was strong, kind, and at times felt like a giddy little overeager kid. Vegeta's was always ill-tempered, structured, and prideful...

She blinked, shook off her thoughts and refocused. "Eye of a hurricane huh? I kind of like that description."

Gohan slowly shook his head. "Someone's ki doesn't just suddenly change like that, it just doesn't happen. Something caused it, and I have a hunch as to what, and I can't say the idea thrills me."

Pan looked towards him. "Alright then, spill it. Why do you think... actually wait, first thing's first. Black, Zamasu, explain, now."

Gohan rubbed his eyes. "I'm going to call Vegeta and your Grandpa, they ought to be here for this. I'll give Piccolo a mental nudge too, he said he wanted to be here."

Gohan did so, and ten minutes later they were all gathered outside of the house.

"Morning Pan!" said Goku happily,

"Morning Grandpa," she said back.

"Save the pleasantries and lets get this over with," said Vegeta.

Pan nodded. "Agreed, you said I killed Black. HOW!?"

"You blew him the hell up and literally tore the universe in half," was Vegeta's reply.

Pan scowled at him. "Stop screwing with me."

"I'm not," said Vegeta, his tone deadly serious.

Pan stared at him, bewildered. "You... can't be serious..."

"Pan, do you ever remember glowing green? Or using a kind of green energy?" asked Gohan.

Pan thought for a moment, searching her memories. "No, but... I do remember Bata told me when I first appeared in her dimension, I was glowing green."

Gohan nodded. "And when you teleported yourself and I out of that dimension, you were also glowing green. At first, all I thought of it was that it let you move between dimensions. But... when you destroyed Cooler and pretty much killed him in a single hit..."

"Wait, what?! Chronoa told me you beat him! And you guys went along with that?!" exclaimed Pan.

Goku scratched his head. "That was a lie, Chronoa wanted us to keep what you did from you."

Pan was livid, but held her tongue. "Okay then, what happened with Black and Zamasu?"

"You started glowing green shortly before Black killed Gohan," said Goku, "After that, the sky tore open like it first did when the portal to other dimensions was made, and green energy just poured into your body. You had a full on green aura, and it changed your eye and hair color."

Pan nodded slowly. "So I killed Black with that power?"

Goku shook his head. "No, not at first. Black started getting stronger, it was only after you went Super Saiyan along with using your energy that you won. Seeing what you did firsthand was... something else I'll tell you what."

Pan turned to face him, walked over, grabbed his hand, and put it on her head. "Don't tell me, show me."

Goku hesitated for a moment before he nodded and focused. Pan closed her eyes as his memories flowed into her head. She watched in disbelief as she took in the green energy and proceeded to dominate Black. She couldn't help but grow frustrated with herself when she screwed around and toyed with Black instead of killing him right away. Her eyes opened and went wide when she went 'Super Saiyan Green' and blew away Black and tore a green hole in the universe with one ki blast. She also felt a little scared of herself when she began to mutilate and butcher the immortal Zamasu over and over again.

"What... the hell...?" was all Pan could say.

"Hmph, exactly what we were saying, and have been saying," said Vegeta.

Pan stood there in a stupor, playing the gifted memories over and over again.

Finally, she shook her head and demanded. "How did I tap into that power?!"

Goku shrugged. "We dunno."

They didn't know? THEY DIDN'T KNOW?! That power was absolutely insane! If she could tap into that, no one could EVER threaten her or her family again. She had to have it! She felt her body craving it from the moment she first laid eyes on Grandpa's memory. It had to be hers...

"I still don't think it's a good idea for her to train to use it, if we ever figure out how to draw it out," said Piccolo.

Pan glared at him. "What? Why!"

Piccolo scowled at her. "Goku showed me the memory as well. One single attack and you led to the destruction of a universe within a 'timeplane'. It's unwise to tap into that kind of strength."

Pan thought furiously for a moment. He MIGHT have a point, but...

She smirked suddenly, a realization hitting her. "Your half-right, it was one attack, but it wasn't a regular attack, it was a big ki attack. When I was roughing up Zamasu afterwords, nothing like that happened. Regular attacks didn't seem to do anything but hit really hard. So when I figure this power out, all I got to do is stay away from ki blasts. Easy peasy."

She put a hand on her hip and waved her other hand. "Not to mention, maybe that destruction was only because I had no experience or control over that power? Maybe it wouldn't be as bad once I get a hang on it! And what's more, is a timeplane's universe as strong as a real timestream's universe? Maybe it wouldn't have done that kind of damage here."

Goku crossed his arms. "I'm not so sure Pan. Jumping into that kind of power is really risky, especially since you haven't even gone god yet."

Pan glared at him. "And just whose fault is that?! Ignoring the green energy for a minute. If you had taken me into the timechamber like you did with dad, I'd have already been on that level! I could have been really helping you against Cell! Against Black and Zamasu!"

"Pan, I just don't think your ready for the powers of a Saiyan God yet, nor this 'green power' either," began Goku, "Maybe when your older and have more experience..."

"Don't you start with that!" yelled Pan, "You've just been intentionally holding me back and keeping me weak!"

Goku looked at her in disbelief, hurt on his face. "Pan..."

She pointed a finger at him. "Don't you 'Pan' me! I CAN handle it! I know my body can!"

Vegeta scowled at her. "It's not a matter of body, but of mind, spirit, and intent. You've been throwing yourself into training, thirsting for strength ever since you returned to this dimension after your little 'dimensional trip' for these last three years."

Pan glared at him. "Excuse me? Your one to talk! Ever since I first met you all YOU do is train train train train!"

Vegeta narrowed his eyes. "That may be, but at least I don't act like a power hungry little leper accusing your Grandfather, someone who deeply cares for you, of plotting to keep you weak."

Pan flinched at those words, eying her Grandpa and seeing the hurt on his face. "W-well... I..."

She bowed her head and went silent.

Piccolo stepped forward. "Pan, for what reason do you so badly want that power?"

She looked up at him and narrowed her eyes. "So I can end ANYONE who threatens me or my family and friends!"

Piccolo stared at her for a minute before he sighed. "And that's why we don't think your ready."

She was baffled. "But... that's the exact thing you all train and fight for!"

Piccolo turned his back on her. "Is it? Pan, we don't fight to 'end' people. We will kill if we must, but our goal is to defend those we care about and better ourselves in the process. Not kill our enemies and mindlessly chase power. Goku might be more merciful, Vegeta and I might be less forgiving, but all three of us have the same goal. If you can't honestly see the difference between your reasons and ours, then you lost your way and don't even deserve the power you have at your fingertips now, let alone the power of a god or that green energy. If you keep on this path your walking, you'll end up worse than Freeza, Black, Zamasu, or any of the other villains we've encountered. I can only hope you realize this before you make an irreversible mistake."

With that, Piccolo took off, leaving her there, feeling shocked and numb.

Goku scratched his head. "Look, Pan..."

Pan whirled around, let out a tearful sob, ran back into the house and to her room, threw herself on her bed, buried herself in her pillow, and stared crying...

Goku sighed. "Well, that didn't end well."

"Hmph, it had to be said," said Vegeta, "And it had to be said now, while she's still younger and 'weaker' than us. If she was older, more set in her ways, and stronger, she'd readily reject our opinions for her own. I don't give a crap about all the mushy do-good shit you all talk about, but there is a difference between acting like a proud Saiyan warrior, and chasing power. You know Kakarot, if you were to offer her immortality right now, she'd probably take it and use the excuse that she'd use it to stop anyone from hurting us."

Goku rubbed his eyes tiredly. "I wish I was back fighting Black right now rather than doing this."

Vegeta smirked. "Tough luck Kakarot. It's called being a parent, or well, a grandparent."

"I've been worried about Pan, but, never to that degree. What Piccolo said was harsh... my daughter wouldn't ever turn out like any of those bad guys," said Videl.

"You think so? I've been around the galaxy before in my youth. I've seen benevolent leaders become tyrants, seen so called 'heroes' descend into depravity when push came to shove. You can easily damn yourself seeking the power to protect what you care for. All it takes is one tipping point, one act to push someone over the edge, and everything can change," said Vegeta, "Especially if she goes ballistic when using that green energy. If she woke up one day after accidentally killing any of you, it would devastate and change her.

He crossed his arms. "She could change back of course, but, when she has the power to kill a universe at her fingertips there might not be a chance to. It's best to make sure she specifically never needs to seek redemption to begin with. Be hard on her now, and she'll thank you for it later, its called tough love. The namek seems pretty well versed in that concept. Perhaps you should try it for once, Kakarot. You too Gohan."

Goku sighed. "I'll go talk to Pan..."

Gohan held up a hand. "No, I should..."

Goku shook his head. "Gohan, I've been in her head before, I've seen exactly what she's gone through and what she's done. I understand her a bit better than I think you do at the moment. Please, just let me talk to her first. Okay?"

Gohan met his eyes for a moment before he sighed and nodded. "Alright dad, I trust you."

Goku slowly walked into the house, mulling over what to say, he walked down the hall to Pan's room, stopping briefly at the sound of her heavy sobbing. "Huh, and people say words can't hurt."

He gave a sigh, rubbed his eyes, and walked into her room. He sat down next to her on her bed and thought for a moment. He recalled something Chi-Chi once did and put a hand on Pan's back, rubbing in a circle to try to relax and comfort her.

"Pan...," he began.

"I just want it to stop Grandpa!" she said hoarsely.

"E-every time, every damn time something bad happens, I'm to weak to do anything!" she cried, "First the lady at the town, then the farmers, then the people during the attacks on Terra, then Aideen and Aneurin almost die, t-t-then Odianna almost kills me, then Kojin kills me, then Bata and the old namek die, then I almost die against Kojin, then Majin Cuu almost kills me and dad, then Chronoa makes us murder timeplanes, then Cell almost kills me, then Black kills dad! It hurts, Grandpa, it eats away at me, IT'S NOT FAIR!"

Goku decided to stay silent and let her get it all out.

"It's not fair... when I try to get strong enough, you guys hold me back, say I'm not ready, an-and accuse me of being a bad guy?! I just want to make the hurt stop, beat up the bad guys, and keep everyone safe, what's wrong with that? I'm NOT like Black! I'm not I'm not I'm NOT!" she cried out.

Goku closed his eyes, feeling frustrated. He understood where Piccolo and Vegeta were coming from, and maybe even agreed with them a little bit. But, the reason, the real reason Pan wanted to be strong, wasn't anything he could fault her for. She wanted to protect everyone, and while he wasn't thrilled she was willing to kill anyone who threatened them without hesitation, all she really wanted was to feel safe, and keep everyone alive. She had chosen her words poorly when answering Piccolo, or maybe she just didn't know how to properly say it.

"I know Pan, I know your not a bad guy, but, you gotta realize you've been scaring us for awhile now," he began.

Pan sniffled for a moment and turned to look at him, bewildered, "How?! How could you guys be scared of me?!"

Goku decided he'd follow through with Vegeta's advice and be blunt. "For one Pan, you saw how crazy and ruthless you acted when you had that green energy."

Pan averted her eyes, unease on her face.

Goku took a deep breath and let it out. "But beyond that, Pan, a lot of the times when you'd spar when you got first got back home, and sometimes when you talked, your ki would feel dark, bad."

Pan looked at him in disbelief.

"You could act so viscous, whether it was sparing, or talking, it made everyone scared, not of what you were, but what you could become," explained Goku, "And when you basically tortured the Cell junior to death, it was really bad and..."

"I did not torture it!" she defended, "I beat it to death and finished it with Judgement so it couldn't regen..."

"Pan," Goku said sternly, "I was watching that entire fight. You crushed it into the ground and 'licked your lips' at the sight of its beaten body. You said you 'forgot how good it feels to beat the crap out of scum like you', said you didn't care about killing it. Pan, that's not something a good guy does or says..."

Pan tried to say something, only to start choking on tears and turn her head away, starting to sob again. Goku didn't want to have to confront her like this about her actions, but, it was more than obvious to him she didn't realize just how bad she had been acting on occasion. He knew very well what Gohan had been alluding to with a 'slippery slope', and he didn't want Pan to slide down it and do something really bad, even if she didn't mean to.

"I'm... I'm sorry Grandpa," said Pan hoarsely, shame radiating in her voice and ki, "I'm sorry for letting you down..."

Goku smiled sadly and reached over to ruffle her hair. "You haven't really let me down yet, you've had a few hiccups, but, your still my little granddaughter."

He sighed and stood up. "I'm sorry this happened Pan, but, it had to happen now. There will come a day when were all gone or are to old to fight, Pan, and it'll be up to you to keep yourself and those you care about safe. You will be strong enough to keep everyone alive, I promise you. Your already so much more powerful than any of us were at your age. When your our age, you'll dwarf us without question. The only thing we want is to make sure your still you when the time comes, and haven't lived a life filled with regrets over bad choices. You been so serious, and haven't been smiling nearly as much as you used to when you were younger, we just want to see you happy. Your still just a kid, Pan, twelve years old, we want to see you enjoy your early life while there's still time to. Okay Pan?"

"Okay Grandpa," said Pan weakly.

"Get some sleep Pan, I know you didn't get any last night," Goku scolded lightly.

She didn't respond.

Goku gave her one last look, turned off the lights, left the room, and closed the door behind him...

Author's Notes:

The next arc starts next chapter after a small timeskip. Hope you guys are ready!