Thank you for not threatening to kill me after the last chapter. Ok, except for only one threat, but since it was written in French, I will pretend that I didn't understand it and it's now ignored (Thanks Kim *wink*). Moving on.

To Molly (an unregistered reviewer): I'm so sorry for your loss. I know that chapter was hard for you to read because it was so close to home, and taking in consideration your past experience, of course it will bring back horrible memories for you. All I can say is that even though this story is a fiction and with fictional characters, it's meant to be based on REAL experiences. Miscarriages, still births, death, loss, infidelity, tragedy, cheating and lying, etc...these are part of our society's problems and are very real to a lot of people. Even though it's an extremely heartbreaking thing for people and for these two main characters to go through, nevertheless we will get to see how people choose to move on from such a traumatic experience. Some people can't move on, and some people eventually do. For the sake of this story, I will try to write as realistically as possible how these two individuals attempt to face it. Maybe some people might be able to relate to them or help people in some way. I don't know. But please don't be sad. You'll realize how strong you've been to have gone through it and still have the strength to wake up every morning and survive. And for that, you have my utmost respect!

DISCLAIMER: Go grab a drink. You'll need it! When you realize that you can't see straight, come back and continue reading this chapter. I warned you.

Chapter 36: Guilt

(One week earlier – Hospital)

Seconds, minutes, hours. Three hours, twelve minutes and thirty-three seconds to be exact.

That's how long time had passed ever since news broke that Elena had suffered from a miscarriage. Even though the group had reacted as how one would expect them to after receiving such devastating news three plus hours ago, it still didn't feel real to them, particularly for Damon.

Yes, he was told that his baby had died inside Elena's belly. Yes, he understood the concept that he no longer had a daughter that was due to come out to greet him in four short months. Yes, he knew that he was no longer an expectant father. But how does one lose something that they've never had? Or held? It didn't seem real to him, but of course it was real. He'd listened to the baby's heartbeat. He'd seen the ultrasound scans. He'd witnessed himself the baby's kicks and wriggling movements when he watched the monitor in Dr. Michaels' office.

But she wasn't tangible, in a physical sense. He hasn't touched her, felt her skin, carried her, and seen her face. And he never will. He supposed that it didn't feel real to him because it felt more like a nightmare or a very disturbing daydream that he was going to wake up from at any moment now. Any second now.

That thought kept repeating in his head, over and over again, until three hours, twelve minutes and thirty-three seconds later. It finally sunk in. Little Purple was no more. The life that was growing inside Elena was now...gone. No, his daughter wasn't physically real - as in, a solid mass that could be felt by touch – but the loss was real. And it bloody hurt!

And so the gang sat on the floor of the waiting room, trying to bring comfort to each other and trying to bolster their spirits to remain strong for Elena who would possibly have the worst reaction to the loss than anyone in the room. It may not seem real for the rest, but it was certainly real for the mother-to-be. After all, the baby was inside of her. She was very much a part of her body for the past five months or so. Her swollen body was proof of how real the baby was. At that point, none of them wanted to be in the hospital room with her when she wakes up to find that everything was now different. It would be so heartbreaking to watch.

"Damon?" Dr. Michaels called out softly as he re-entered the waiting room, looking exhausted and frazzled. Damon hastily got to his feet but he held onto Rosalyn's hand as he approached the doctor with the rest of the gang trailing behind him.

"She's awake now, but she's still extremely weak. We had to do an emergency blood transfusion during the D&C procedure since she lost too much blood. It was a bit touch and go there for a moment; it was a very close call. So far, the bleeding has stopped but she'd already been through so much lately, starting from last week when she fell down that she's not dealing with it all yet. I don't think the reality of the situation has hit her yet, either. At your request, Dr. Fell is with her now, checking on her vital stats and making sure that she doesn't develop any infection. She'll need some time, but she'll be fine," Kol nodded confidently, slightly less depressed that he was able to deliver some optimistic news at least. Especially after the week they've had.

Damon released the breath that he had been holding and relaxed his increasingly tight grip on his mother's hand as he heard the last statement from him. He flashed an apologetic look at his mother before he returned his attention to the doctor.

"So when can I see her? She's probably scared out of her mind by now, right?" he asked, already brushing Kol aside as he started walking towards the double doors that led to the wards.

"Wait, Damon. Hold on a moment," Kol turned and held out his arm in an attempt to stop the anxious man who was eager to see his wife after being on the verge of losing her. "She-she asked for her aunt Jenna. Before, in the room...she said that she only wanted to see Jenna," Damon could hear the hesitation in his voice, as if there more that he left unsaid for fear of hurting his feelings. He didn't miss the specific emphasis on the word 'only' in his last statement.

"What? Of course she'd want to see me! I'm her husband! We're like a packaged deal," he insisted without breaking his stride as he went from room to room in search of his wife, ignoring her obstetrician who was running after him to catch up.

"Damon, she's not-" Kol broke off when Damon found her room and entered without any hesitation, "ready," he finished with a sigh, not looking forward to her reaction at all.

"Elena," Damon said breathlessly, relief evident in his voice as he came face-to-face with her. She was reclining on the bed, her face extremely pale as she tore her eyes from the windows to meet his. For a moment, all she did was to just stare at him and blinked in surprise as if he was the last person she expected to see. Just as he made his way nearer to her, she visibly shrank away, her eyes filled with pain and then denial as she shook her head slowly.

"Don't," she whispered brokenly. It wasn't her spoken word that stopped him in his tracks with his arms outstretched towards her, but it was the expression on her face. He had never seen so much hurt and disappointment in a person's face, and the fact that it was directed at him, it almost sent him to his knees.

"Elena," he whispered gently again even as his eyes filled with unshed tears to see her tortured expression, and then he took another hesitant step towards her, all the while wishing and hoping that he could take her pain away somehow. His sorrow turned to alarm when she edged to the other side of her bed, desperate to get away from him and from his glistening eyes. And then without thinking, she swung her legs over the side of the bed and managed to put even more distance between them before her weak legs gave way under her, sending her sprawling to the floor.

"Elena! Why are you-" he started to exclaim in a panicky voice as he hurried over to her, ignoring his instincts to give her the space she obviously needed from him, but his thoughts were only filled with wanting to get to her.

"Don't touch me! Don't touch me!" she screamed suddenly when his arms wrapped around hers, shocking him and even Kol who was observing silently from the doorway. One would think that she was under attack by the fear in her voice rather than simply being touched by her own husband.

"Hey, hey, I'm only trying to help you, Elena," his voice was soft and soothing as he held his hands up in a 'surrender' position even though he was confused as hell at her reaction. "What can I do? Please tell me, what can I do to make you feel better?"

"Jenna," she answered immediately even as she slid back into a corner near the windows, putting at least two feet of space between them again.

"Sweetheart, you shouldn't be on the floor. At least let me carry you up to the bed first before I go get Jenna for you," he said kindly from a crouching position, this time not daring to go any closer to her without her consent. He didn't understand why she was afraid of him or why she's turning him away, but if time was what she needed to heal, then he'd give it to her, even if it was killing him every second she wasn't in his arms.

"No! Just Jenna," she whimpered from the corner, looking like a wounded animal that refused help from someone it didn't trust or know.

"I'm here, 'Lena," Jenna's soft voice came from beside Kol who had gone to summon her when Damon failed to calm his patient down. Elena's reaction wasn't surprising or even unexpected, but to people who cared about her, it could be downright confusing and insulting.

The relief in her eyes was obvious to Damon who kept his eyes on her the whole time, and he didn't miss the way she immediately raised her arms up to her aunt who gathered her in her comforting embrace, her small frame shaking like a leaf. "It's okay, honey, it's gonna be okay. I'll stay here with you," Jenna cooed comfortingly into Elena's hair as tears coursed down her cheeks, her watery eyes gazing into the helplessness of Damon's.

"Damon," Kol cleared his throat softly and gestured for the heartbroken man to join him in the corridor. Left with no option, he cautiously stood up and walked over to the doctor, his gaze never once wavered from the two women who sought comfort from each other's arms. He felt like an outsider as he watched them, as if he was peeking into a very private moment that he had no right to be a part of. He had no explanation for it other than the fact that Elena was upset with him for the loss of their daughter for some reason. And that hurt.

"Damon, what happened wasn't anybody's fault. This isn't something I haven't seen before; in fact it's quite common for women who just suffered from a miscarriage. It'll take time before she's able to open up to you again. Right now, she's extremely vulnerable and she probably blamed herself for what happened. It's known as 'survivor's guilt', like in an accident where the driver survived but the rest of the passengers or family died. She's feeling guilty that she couldn't protect the baby and that she lived when the baby didn't. She's also still in shock over everything and these feelings aren't helping her cope. What happened was very traumatic for her and for her body, and while the body will heal in time, the emotional scars might not," Kol explained in a sympathetic tone. "What she needs now is to have the people she loves and trusts around her, but not to force her to talk about it until she's ready. It's important that she's given plenty of space and not to be stressed out. You should know that she hasn't even let herself cry yet, not since she woke up," he sighed wearily as he turned back to look at his patient who was still on the floor.

"Why won't she let me near her? I love her, but why won't she trust me? Does she-does she blame me? Because it's true, I shouldn't have left her alone. I knew that she wasn't completely healed yet, and I still went ahead to meet my father. She's right to blame me," Damon's troubled blue eyes were racked with guilt as he stared unblinking into the room.

"There's no blame in this, Damon. And stop tormenting yourself with what could've happened. Miscarriages are tricky. Trust me, she'll feel even worse if she knows you're blaming yourself. She probably couldn't face you because she thinks she's failed you, you understand? Look, just let Aunt Jenna take care of her tonight, tomorrow will be a whole new day," the young doctor laid a comforting hand on the back of a very stiff shoulder, and then with another sigh, left Damon standing there in the corridor.

Back in the hospital room, Jenna was struggling to comfort the trembling teenager in her arms, "Shhh, 'Lena, come on, let's go up on the bed. You really shouldn't be sitting on the floor. You just went through a huge ordeal tonight, and you should be resting comfortably and make sure that your body heals, right? I'll go get Damon to carry you to the bed, honey, okay?"

As she made a move to get up, Elena's arms immediately tightened around her, keeping her trapped on the floor. "No! I can't, Jenna. I don't want him in here. I don't even wanna look at him, I-I just can't. Please don't make me," Elena pled desperately, fearing that she'd break down completely if she even let herself think about the implications of the signed divorce papers. Whatever his reason may be for having those documents, she wasn't ready to confront him about them yet, not now when she was trying to hold herself together and not shatter to pieces.

Across the room, standing unnoticed in the doorway, Damon gasped when he felt the earlier choking sensations in his chest and throat as he struggled to breathe. Hearing his wife's words tore him apart from within until he couldn't hear anything else except for the sound of his heart breaking into irreparable pieces. He took faltered steps backwards as he squeezed his eyes shut, letting the tears cascade down unchecked until his back met the wall behind him. He didn't know what else he could to help her other than to give her what she asked for. She didn't want him there, so he ran.

And ran.

(The next morning)

Elena sensed rather than saw a presence in the room with her as she slowly shook off the haziness from her sleep. She had to be sedated to finally be relaxed enough for the nurses to move her to the bed, after which she then promptly fell asleep cradled next to her aunt. The sedatives allowed her to have the uninterrupted sleep she needed for a full night's rest, giving an opportunity for her aunt to sneak out to go home to pack some clothes and necessities for an extended stay at the hospital with her.

For some reason, the presence in the room troubled her still groggy mind, and that forced her to open her eyes wide enough to see who it was. Right away, she wished that she had stayed asleep.

"What are you doing here?" she managed to croak out despite how dry her throat felt.

The man who was seated on an armchair a few feet from her bed stood up and peered at her curiously. "Amazing. I don't know how you always managed to survived when others didn't," he shook his head slowly.

"What? Where's Jenna?" she asked, her eyes searching every corner of the room in search of her aunt, but she was nowhere in sight so she returned her gaze at the man she never expected to see again; her real father.

"She went home to get some things," was all he said as he continued scrutinizing her as if she was an enigma that he couldn't quite figure out.

"What are you doing here?" she repeated again, realizing that he never answered her question earlier.

"I'm the only parent you have left, Elena. Jenna called me when she thought you were dying," he answered casually, oblivious to the pain in her eyes when she heard the word 'dying'.

"Well, I'm not dead, so you can go," she tried to dismiss him but oddly enough, he still stood there motionless as if he had something more to say. Well, whatever it was, she wasn't interested to hear it so she turned her head to the windows, intending to ignore him until he got the message and left. But he surprised her by sitting on the bed next to her instead.

"Elena," he started and then paused as if to change his mind, before he surged onwards anyway, "you're gonna have to stop this. Whatever it is you're doing, just stop it. Too many innocent people have been hurt already, so the sooner you stop, the better off these people would be."

"What?" she asked in confusion; he wasn't making any sense. Stop what? Who were these 'people' he was referring to? "What people?"

"The people around you! The people who loves you! Jenna, Jeremy, Damon, your friends! If you care about them at all, you need to stay away from them," he declared cryptically, but Elena could see that he meant every word even though she didn't understand any of it.

"What are you talking about? What do they have to do with anything?"

"I'm talking about the fact that you're cursed. People around you die, Elena. From the moment you were born, you have brought nothing but death and destruction to those around you. It started with your mother who died giving birth to you, then Grayson and Miranda in that car crash that you somehow survived, and now this; your own baby. Why do you get to be the only one who always survived when they ended up dead? It's not just the deaths around you; people around you suffer as well. All my business ventures failed, my investments went bad, and I was almost declared bankrupt except that your father lent me some money to pay off some debts and kept me afloat. Jeremy lost his parents, Jenna lost her sister, and now that guy you married lost his baby as well. It all started the moment you were born nineteen years ago! Now, tell me you're not cursed!" he bit out angrily as he glared at her accusingly.

For a long while, the shocked girl could do nothing but stare up at him through tear-filled eyes, her mind racing with his accusations and then her face crumpled when she realized that he was right; she didn't know about her birth mother but everything else was true. When he laid it out like that, it made perfect sense! And that was when the guilt piled on like she was being hit by a freight train on full speed. The choices she had made starting with the party she insisted to attend because all her 'friends' were going; it was the fateful night that resulted in her parents' death. They weren't even her real parents – they were Jeremy's. And she'd been selfish by not realizing that she wasn't the only one who had lost them; Jenna and Jeremy also lost them, due to her selfishness of insisting to go to a stupid party.

And then there was...Damon. It physically hurt her to think about him now when his betrayal regarding the divorce was so recent, but it was true that due to her inability to protect her own pregnancy, he had lost a daughter. He had also been fighting with his father more and more ever since she came into his life. If she wasn't so stupid enough to get pregnant, or even walk into a random bar for some underage drinking in the first place, he would have married Katherine and lived his father's dreams. He may not have loved his ex, or maybe he had, but at least he wouldn't have had to mourn the death of his child now. Again, her choices, her decisions led him here. Then she allowed herself to think about the woman who gave birth to her and died doing so. She was never told how her real mother died, or who she was.

"My birth mother, h-how did she die?" she asked shakily as the revelations descended into her mind.

"She developed a complication when she gave birth to you and she lost too much blood. The doctors couldn't save her and she died, right there on the operating table just minutes after you were born. And now, nineteen years later, you suffered the same fate, except that the baby died and you survived. I call it a cruel twist of fate or you have some sort of angel looking out for you. I loved her, God damnit! I was going to marry her. It should've been you who died that night, not Isobel. Then I'd still have my wife and brother around; I'd still have my family!" John cried out bitterly, his hurt and anger washed over her, rendering her speechless as she realized that he had never considered her as family despite knowing that he was her real father all these years. No wonder he hated her so much. She didn't blame him, not even one bit.

"I wanted to tell you this because I thought you should know. I just can't watch anyone else suffer because of you anymore. Whether you believe me or not is up to you but the fact is, you've watched your parents die, you've witnessed young Jeremy lost both his parents just like that, and not only did Jenna lose her only sister, she's also burdened with the task of raising two teenagers, one of them even pregnant with an unwanted child before the miscarriage happened. Now, I would say that you got lucky with the miscarriage; you're no longer obligated to stay with Damon Salvatore. He doesn't owe you anything anymore because you're no longer expecting a child. And now I'm your only remaining parent and I have control over your father's finances," he paused and looked down at her, taking in her confused state as she wondered where he was going with this.

"Yes, you made it clear that you weren't going to spend a single cent on me. You also made sure that I didn't even have a roof over my head when you kicked me out of my own home," she replied in a stronger voice. She didn't need to remember the argument they had in the study room of the Salvatore mansion months ago when he threatened to cut her off completely. She recalled very clearly that he wanted to make money off of her misfortune.

"Well, consider this a change of heart, then. Okay, this is what I'm willing to give you if you follow my instructions..." and then Elena had no choice but to listen to what he had to offer.

(The following night)

"Okay, Damon, that's enough! You're going to make yourself sick if you keep going at that rate," Stefan tried to pry the half-empty bottle of bourbon from his fingers but the elder Salvatore craftily managed to evade him as he stumbled along the darkness.

"Then isn't it convenient that we're right outside a freaking hospital right now? You won't even have to drive me to the emergency department, I could walk right in! I won't even drink and drive! Now, isn't that considerate of me? See, Stef? I drink responsibably! Responsibility! No, that's not right! Responsababy! Hahaha, get it Stef? Responsababy; response-a-baby! See what I did there? I'm a word-smith even when drunk! I have a brain somewhere in here," Damon nodded with heavy-lidded eyes as he swayed on his feet and then raised the mouth of the bottle to tap the side of his head with before wincing with pain at the impact. "Ouch!"

"Look at you; you can't even stand up straight! I know you're hurting, but you have to pull it together and be strong! If not for yourself, then for Elena who needs you to be sober and there for her," Stefan reminded him by mentioning the one name who could possibly get through to the alcohol-induced brain of his brother's right then. It backfired.

"Hah!" Damon snorted and took a long swig of the drink. "She doesn't need me; I heard her! She doesn't even want me in the room. So, I gave her what she wanted which is a hospital room sans me! I should be commended for giving her what she wants! I'll always give her what she wants even when I don't always agree. In fact, I paid a lot of money to give her what she wants; and right on cue, there's the man of the hour!" he swayed his way over towards the automatic doors of the hospital entrance with his arms wide open to embrace the man he was referring to.

"Jer bear! Come here, you! We were just talking about you, weren't we Stef? Do you know that you're my favourite Gilbert right now?" he wrapped his arms around the young man in a bear hug, ignoring the curious gazes of onlookers who were captivated by their exchange.

"Yes, yes, you already told me that," Jeremy tried to remove the pair of strong arms around his waist as he shot a quizzical look at Stefan who just shrugged and then shook his head as if to say, 'Don't even ask'.

"I did? Oh, well now you know...again. So, any updates on the pouty princess upstairs? I didn't fly you home in first class to have a reunion with her, you know? Yeah, okay maybe I did because she needs to be around people she love and trust, and apparently, I'm no longer on that list, but WHATEVER!" Damon rolled his eyes as he held both his thumb and forefingers in a vee and joined them by the tips of the thumb together to form a 'W'. "You're like my mole right now, like Katherine was except that you're better looking and you're like some secret agent man," he lowered his voice significantly and looked around as if to avoid them being overheard.

"Okay, but you have to tell me something, Damon. And I'll need the absolute truth from you, agreed?" Jeremy looked completely serious at his brother-in-law who immediately straightened up and raised his right hand next to his head while still holding the uncapped bottle, effectively drenching his younger brother with spilled bourbon. Oblivious to the green-eyed glare, he immediately recited, "I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me God!" while still holding the bottle upright.

"Okay, enough with the theatrics," Jeremy sighed as he grabbed the bottle from him. "Did you or did you not intend to divorce my sister at any point?"

"No, sir, I did not! Wait a minute; I already explained all this to your sister ages ago. It was my father's idea, not mine! I love your sister, so why would I divorce her? Is that it? Am I in the clear?" Damon grinned with relief as he reached out a hand to grab the bottle back from Jeremy, but the teenager quickly passed it to Stefan who moved out of his reach.

"If you didn't intend to divorce her, then why did you have a signed copy of divorce documents in your apartment?" Jeremy asked.

Damon immediately paled at the mention of the documents he had completely forgotten about until then. "Oh holy crap! No, no, no, no," he wore a horrified expression as he paced up and down the length of the entrance as the two men watched. He sobered up pretty quickly after that! "How did-when did-who-Katherine! Oh my God, Katherine. It had to be her..." he muttered to himself as he covered his face with his hands, unable to believe the mess he's in because of the whole charade he had to play when he pretended that he was still going to marry his ex.

"So it's true? Damon, do you have any idea what you've done? My sister found those papers right before she started bleeding! How are you going to explain this to her?" Jeremy shouted angrily that the documents were in fact real. And they were probably the reason why Elena got upset enough to trigger the bleeding. He wasn't just upset with Damon at that point; he was FURIOUS!

"Wait a minute! Damon, is that true? You had divorce papers drafted and signed them? What the hell were you thinking?" it was Stefan's turn to yell as he yanked his brother's hands away from his face.

"Nobody was supposed to know about it, okay? I completely forgot about it until Jeremy mentioned it just now! It's not even real! The whole thing's fake. I had my lawyers draft up fake divorce papers to fool Katherine into thinking that they're real to get her off my back. She never even knew the difference! You guys know the story about how father, Nathan Pierce and Kat were supposed to think that I was only going to be married to Elena for a year and then after the baby was born, I was supposed to divorce her and marry Kat instead! Well, Kat being herself, didn't trust me that I would go through with it – for good reason, I might add – and she threatened to convince her father to pull out of supporting Salvatore Corporation unless she had some documents to hold over me. This happened just after my engagement to Elena was announced in the papers. She gave me a deadline and then left with no other choice, I faked those documents to shut her up! I don't get it, those documents were with Katherine but how did Elena got to know about it?" Damon wondered out loud as he ran his hands in his already tousled hair in frustration.

Then he remembered. The night his world stopped in its tracks replayed in his mind like a video recording; after he went home from his meeting with his father, he returned to an empty house with blood all over the master bedroom. And then, just as he redialled his phone to reach Caroline, his gaze halted on top of the bed, with the box full of envelopes and papers, and then he remembered the neat stack of papers that were left beside the box as if someone had sorted through it. But it was the box that attracted his attention in the first place that night; it was the box he had kept all those years in his apartment because they used to contain his prized trophies and memorabilia from college. It was the box he had used as soon as he was old enough to move out of the mansion and away from his father. That box signified a momentous occasion for him as he gained independence away from his father as a teenager. And that box was now in his house, on his bed the night Elena almost bled to death.

"Katherine went to see Elena that night. I'm sure of it!" he finally deduced as he put together all the pieces. And then he doubled over from the ache in his chest as he realised that even though the documents were fake, Elena had found them and they became real in her eyes. She was probably sitting on the bed that night as she read the document, believing every word on it and thinking that he never wanted her, or worse; that he'd go through with the divorce after their daughter was born anyway. She probably sat there bleeding all over thinking that he never loved her and that it was all an act on his part. And after all that, she suffered from a miscarriage and almost died herself only to wake up alive to find out that she had lost the baby and the husband she thought she had forever. No wonder she didn't want him to go anywhere near her! No wonder he wasn't allowed to touch her!

He stared at his brother and his brother-in-law for a moment and then he made up his mind. He spun around and then hastily walked towards his car, not worried about crashing his car at all as all traces of alcohol had already evaporated along with his clear head. He had one thought and one thought only.

"Wait, where are you going?" Jeremy called out in alarm.

"To kill Katherine Pierce!" came the sinister reply.

Both Stefan and Jeremy stared at each other in horror.

A thousand apologies! I know I said at the end of the last chapter that I would divulge the identity of the third culprit in this chapter. But this chapter ran so long and at this point of the story, I'm only about halfway to the point I originally wanted to end at, so I figured I should split them in two before I rambled on again and end up with a 10,000 words chapter – again! I wanted to continue to present day, and what happened after the funeral when Damon and Elena finally come face-to-face.

Okay, I promise - no, I pinky-swear that I will address those issues in the next one. This chapter kicked my ass even more than the last one for some reason. But again, I enjoyed writing drunk Damon.

Take this chapter as the filler chapter or plot-heavy chapter or whatever you wanna call it. I think a lot happened in this one; well, it certainly explained Elena's attitude towards Damon at the funeral. No tears in this chapter though, right? RIGHT? Guys?

Like it, love it, hate it, don't much care for it: just review for the heck of it!

My twitter: cgsa_cher