L died on a Tuesday.
It was only a little bit after Light and Naomi had decided to come back downstairs and avoid getting pneumonia and become miserable. They were sitting in front of the giant computer screen both of them extremely wet and relatively unhappy (Naomi was happier than Light because she figured that being alive and soaked was far superior than being dead and soaked).
L came back down shortly after, looking pale shaken and not-dead, which was all well and good for Naomi who didn't want to clean up the pavement before the street cleaners found another jumper.
L gazed at Light, "Light-kun." He said wearily.
"Ryuzaki-san." Light replied.
"I think I'm in the middle of a mental break-down brought on by this case, please disregard any actions I make in the next twenty four hours." L stated as he stared off into space.
Naomi wasn't sure if she should appreciate the fact that L trying to kill her was a part of L's mental breakdown.
"It's understandable; I'd be having a mental breakdown if I was in your position." Light said shrugging his shoulders as he looked at the computer screen.
"I just have this terrible feeling that I'm going to be lying face down in a gutter sometime soon." L sighed looking at the computer screen as well, "Is it selfish that I want to live?"
"Yes." Naomi answered for Light, both L and Light turned to glare at her. "Well, sorry to interrupt your male-bonding moment but if L lives it means that Light probably goes to jail."
"That's ridiculous; Ryuzaki wouldn't send me to jail." Light waved off Naomi's prediction.
"Actually Light-kun, for once in her sorry existence your high-maintenance whore has a point." L didn't actually bother to look at her when he called her a high-maintenance whore but instead directed his attention at Light.
"Ryuzaki, you're being an idiot. I'm not Kira."
"Well, you see Light-kun that's the problem. Right now you're not Kira but that's a bit too snug of a definition for me, so the other day I was flipping through the Death Note and I couldn't help but notice that pesky thirteen day rule and I thought to myself 'isn't this convenient?'" L said conversationally looking up at the computer screen.
Light's face didn't visibly change but inside Naomi bet that he was raging.
"So I decided to test this thirteen day rule on a convict, see if it really works. Don't worry Naomi-chan, the convict was going to die anyway." L said at her shocked expression.
"Isn't that illegal?" She asked Light.
"Probably." L said with a slight shrug.
"So you would send me to prison based upon the fact that I might be Kira." Light clarified in a cold voice, "With no evidence, only a bunch of theories strung together by a man who greatly resembles a meth addict. Theories that have not even the slightest backing. Is that what you're telling me?"
L didn't nod but then he didn't exactly deny that statement either.
"It's a wonder someone hasn't decided to martyr you yet." Light muttered under his breath as he set his glare of doom upon L.
It was nice to see that things were somewhat back to normal.
"Would that someone be you Light-kun?"
"No, I don't like to get blood on my hands."
"You wouldn't have to if you were Kira."
"I'm not Kira."
Naomi was somewhat glad they were back to themselves and ignoring Naomi for the most part, sure it was demeaning but she got some small happiness knowing that in spite of L's murder attempt things could go back to normal. After all she'd been pretty close to killing L herself a couple of times…
"Wow you guys look soaked." Matsuda wandered over to the socially-inept side of the room with a smile, clearly trying to stop the fist fight between L and Light before it happened.
"We were trying to prevent L from committing suicide." Naomi informed Matsuda, Matsuda looked over to L with a worried expression.
"Naomi-chan exaggerates; I wasn't going to commit suicide."
"Then what the hell were you doing out there?" Naomi asked.
"I couldn't deal with you people anymore…" L said with a twitch of his eye.
"Yeah, see that's suicidal talk there." Naomi pointed out.
"Obviously, you incredibly dumb woman."
"If you thought I was so dumb why did you hire me for the LABB case?" Naomi asked.
"I hired you because I didn't want to deal with Beyond Birthday's adolescent meltdown and I wasn't going to insult anyone I actually desired to work with by offering them a job. So I went and hired some random woman who didn't have the ability to do her job properly and figured that it would be fine." L explained effectively summarizing Naomi's worst experience in a paragraph delivered in a dull monotone.
"You mean you knew it was Beyond Birthday the whole time?"
"I guessed at first, and then when you called me to complain about him rolling around on the floor with jam I was certain."
"Why didn't you say anything?" Naomi cried in frustration.
"If I wanted anything to do with that case I would have solved it on my own in the first place. I had better things to do."
"Well… YOU LOOK LIKE A PANDA!" Naomi pointed at L's starved features with an accusing finger.
"Is that the best you could come up with?"
Unfortunately at the moment it was the best she could come up with, she looked to Light for help but he looked more amused than insulted so she figured no help was coming from that corner. Matsuda would be more useless than her at insulting L. She was doomed.
"Yes, yes it was."
On a normal task-force day this scene would have ended with Naomi declaring that she was going to go home to Raye, at which point L would point out that her fiancé was an idiot as well and Light would grind his teeth and make a mental note to kill the oblivious FBI agent. Then she'd go home and be ignored by Raye and come back and the whole cycle would start again.
However it appeared that it wasn't a normal task-force day because at that moment Watari had chosen to delete all the data. Naomi figured that meant Watari, like L, had chosen to have a melt down and in a moment of pure frustration had said 'SCREW YOU KIRA CASE' and had deleted all the data.
This of course meant that they were back to square one as far as the case was concerned and L had to start all over again recording his suspicions about Light and Misa. It also meant L was probably going to murder Watari when he found him.
"Wow, he must be stressed." Naomi said pointing at the red computer screen of death.
"…Naomi, I think he's dead." Light said slowly looking at L's reaction.
Well there was always that possibility, but Naomi hadn't seen Light write anything down in a hidden Death Note and she was fairly certain that Light was still planning L's horrible demise. If you were going to kill Watari you had to kill L, there was no point in killing Watari without killing L. If Watari was dead it meant that L was next…
"Does he know?" Naomi asked Light as she looked over towards a shell-shocked L.
"Yes, Naomi, I think he does." Light replied coldly.
However the rest of the room seemed clueless for the first couple seconds and looked over at L when the detective began to speak.
"Watari's dead…" L said in a horrified voice looking over to Light, "He's dead…"
Yep, L knew alright.
L placed his hands on the counter and looked desperately about the room, "Quick, where's the shinigami!"
Now here's the part where L would normally have collapsed via heart attack, or at least that's what Naomi thought Light had planned but it appeared the clowns ruling over fate had a different idea in mind.
Here's what actually happened.
In an attempt to stand up quickly while crouching on a chair L fell backwards and onto the floor, but before he could hit the floor Mr. Snuggles dove to catch the detective and also crashed onto the ground. At this point Matsuda started freaking out because he assumed L was dead and panicked shouting that they were all going to die; he then fled from the room in search of the Shinigami. Mogi and Ide looked at each other then at L who was not quite moving at this point and decided that they should go and kick that shinigami's frou-frou ass. Seeing that the others had left Soichiro also left to search for the Shinigami and left L's corpse to Light's tender care.
That left Light, Naomi, and a very not-dead L in the room alone with the bright red computer screen. Neither Light nor L had moved even after realizing that L was still breathing and had been breathing the whole time and had apparently not suffered a heart attack but had merely been a clutz when trying to get out of his chair.
So there they were, Naomi looking down at Light who was holding L loosely in his arms preventing him from falling to the floor and L who hung like a limp rag and was gazing up at Light in what could only be described as blank confusion.
"…Am I dead yet?" L asked after a suitably long awkward silence.
"Apparently not." Light said with a puzzled frown as he looked down at the detective.
"Did they just leave, I could have broken my neck and they just left?" L asked Light with a wrathful expression.
"I think they thought you were dead." Naomi pointed out.
Another suitably awkward silence followed in which neither Light nor L moved, clearly it was another one of those male-bonding episodes.
"So, are we just going to wait around for you to actually have a heart attack? Because if we are I think I'm gonna get some food, do you guys want anything?" Naomi asked Light and L, Light shook his head L looked up at her with a slightly annoyed expression.
"Please get me some cheesecake Naomi-chan, I think I'll be needing it." L finally requested after being prodded by Naomi's worried foot.
"You sure you don't need anything Light?" She asked.
"…" Light replied with a dark expression that boded ill to whoever was trying to piss him off.
With that Naomi walked out of the room to find the cheesecake that was waiting in a fridge, honestly she didn't want to see whatever shenanigans L's near-death experience would get them into. If it made things any more awkward than they already were then Naomi might just die.
She began to wonder what the hell had gone wrong, according to Kira L should have been dead ages ago, plus Light had threatened to murder everyone who posed a threat to Naomi so she was kind of surprised at his not being dead. It's not that she wanted L dead, it's just… She didn't really like him.
Perhaps he didn't deserve all the griping thoughts though, after all he was a jerk but he just didn't have Mr. Snuggles' charm to go with it. It wasn't his fault that he wasn't very seductive, if you actually compared the two L and Light were about the same as far as morals were concerned.
So when Naomi arrived back with the cheesecake she was actually feeling kind of sorry for L and was somewhat glad that he was still living. Maybe things could have been different if he wasn't Naomi's employer and was just some creepy guy on the subway, maybe then they wouldn't have loathed each other but instead look at each other with wary distaste.
"I brought cheesecake! Wow are they still not back?" Naomi asked looking about the empty room.
"They're still looking." Light explained.
"Of all the policemen to be stuck with I had to get them, and you." L glared and looked at her with narrowed eyes filled with loathing.
"Hey, I brought you cheesecake." Naomi pointed out, gesturing to the cake.
"Thank you, I suppose."
"You're welcome, I guess."
L died on a Tuesday in Yagami Light's arms after falling off his chair from having a heart attack.
Or at least L's access to his bank accounts died on a Tuesday while L was busy eating cheesecake in Yagami Light's arms and the task force officially lost all funding.
If I was emperor of the universe
Then I would officially decree that all Tuesdays be renamed after me
What do you think?
Author's Note: I just realized I'm going to say things that are slightly relevent in this note, that's a first. First off, last chapter I in my sleep deprivation I typed Jesus instead of Judas, normally I'd just fix this and not mention it again but it's been commented on more than once. So there, it's fixed, hooray. Second, I apologize for my abuse of L. I've officially poked too much fun at the fandom and it's time to back off, but keeping that in mind it's Naomi whose narrating and after being traumatized by the LABB she has a bad (if somewhat inaccuarte) opinion of L. She's not very kind to him, so while the metaphors don't have to be RIDICULOUSLY EXTREME as long as Naomi regards him as an unsexy version of Light she's not going to get nicer...
Anyway moving on, thanks for the reviews and the complaints it's good to know you guys actually do read this. Reading is fine too but I have to say the reviews are nice. More reviews/complaints would not be unwelcome, I'll try to fix the L abuse thing in the future.
Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note.