Dear Diary, 12/10
School continues, as usual. I've spent some more time with Harry lately, which has been nice.
Ginny and Dean are having problems (well, Ginny's getting a little tired of him I think, not so much the other way around) and I know she still has feelings for Harry, so I wonder if I should break it off with him.
Well, I definitely can't just yet. Apparently Harry has been invited to Slughorn's Christmas party and so he asked me to accompany him. I said yes of course. Hopefully it'll be fun. At least I'll have Harry and other friends there. I still think Sluggie doesn't like me, but he seems to at least be satisfied that Malfoy and I just ignore each other now, instead of being at one another's throats.
As always, Malfoy confuses me. I'm in three classes with him, and he completely ignores me. Although, he has been acting like less of a bully lately, which I guess is improvement. As a matter of fact, Malfoy has basically been keeping completely to himself lately (aside from harassing me the day I came back from St. Mungo's). It's like he doesn't have the time enough to care about annoying people anymore. He still acts superciliously though. Haha supercilious is a fun word innit? Sprinkle. There's another fun word although it's more cutsie than just fun. Oxymoron is another cool one, and oxymorons are fun themselves too. Jumbo shrimp. Burning cold. Honest politician, ha! Stupid Ravenclaw, Mean Hufflepuff, Nice Slytherin ... what about Gryffindor? What would be the opposite of someone in Gryffindor? We're supposed to be brave at heart or something right? I don't know about that. I don't feel very brave. I'm so scared of so many things. I act tough a lot of the time but... I'm scared of stupid stuff, like spiders, black vans (I mean COME ON), rock climbing. I'm even scared of dealing with fire at all, which is kinda weird since I would consider myself a pyro. I loooove fire. But the idea of trying to start one scares the living daylights outta me. I've never learned how to use a match even.
I'm scared of being alone. Or rather, lonely. I like being alone a lot but sometimes I'm just overwhelmed with loneliness and I really hate it. I'm afraid I'll end up like that- just some loner out living in a shack somewhere. Ah well.
People make me so freakin mad. I really can't stand them sometimes. Someone got annoyed at me once and told me how I must really hate humans, since I always correct people and I expect so much from them. They didn't understand. I don't think most people do. It's quite the opposite. It's just like in The Fountainhead- I act that way not because I despise humanity, but because I revere it. Humans are incredible creatures, so I have high standards, and I always feel let down when people don't do justice to the name of humanity. But I guess I come off as a bitch sometimes. Although honestly, a lot of those jerks just don't like me because they don't like it when people point out when they're wrong or being stupid about something. One time last year, I was talking to a friend and she blatantly lied to my face. She knew that honesty is really important to me but she lied anyways and it just pissed me off. I called her out on it and said I was leaving. She asked why and I said something like "um because you're a fucking liar and I don't want to fucking deal with you." And she actually had the nerve to say that I was being RUDE and that it hurt her FEELINGS and she felt OFFENDED. God. Bitch. We aren't friends anymore. Although it had more to do with than that.
I tend to come off as aggressive and mean. It depends on who it's with. Some people I actually am like that with because I don't like them. But that's not many people. When I'm around people I don't know, I generally act real quiet and keep to myself so those people usually think I'm just really shy, HA as if. And my friends who are actually close to me know that although yes I have my bitchy moments, I'm generally a nice person and those close friends don't assume the worst of me in situations that seem bad. The people who tend to think I'm like that are the ones that I'm friends with, so I'm myself around them, but they aren't close enough to really really know me. For years, people will have been telling me every so often that I'm mean, or rude, or a bitch even. I brushed it off for years and honestly didn't care but it's started getting to me. Also, nowadays I find it harder to tell when people are serious or not. The other day I was eating with all my friends at the Gryffindor table (Anna joined us) so Seamus was sitting with us. We were all talking and I remember that for some reason Seamus turned his face towards me at one point and made a really cute face and I just started laughing. Lavender (who was with Ron- gross. I'm really starting to hate that girl) thought I was laughing at something she said so I explained that no, I was laughing at Seamus's face. Of course, Lavender automatically looked taken aback and said "Wow Mia that was really rude. You're kinda mean." Seamus looked offended too. I tried to explain that it was just because he made a funny face but Lavender just cut me off. So I simply sat there, feeling pissed at being judged like that and not even able to explain myself. I had to consciously stop myself from crying, but I definitely turned as red as a tomato. I think people have a certain idea of me in their head already and so see what they want to see.
Wow, I just read through all of that. Maybe it's a weird thing to notice but I realized that I referred to Draco as "Malfoy". When did that switch back? I didn't even think about it while writing it...
...I have trouble falling asleep lately. Ever since my parents. Whenever I'm in bed, trying to sleep, I end up thinking. About everything. Especially how much I miss them. I'm so homesick and it kills me to think I'll never see my dad again and I may never talk to my mom again and I'll never be able to return to the house I grew up in. So many nights I've fallen asleep on a wet pillow. I've had nightmares again recently also. None of the real ones though. One time I was swimming through a murky lake, following a mermaid. Suddenly she spun around and choked me. Another time, Death Eaters came after me and killed me. One dream I had, I played the hero and saved the day when Death Eaters tried attacking my friends. I ended up dying of course, but I got to play the hero. Yay. Hopefully soon I'll
Katie is back from the hospital! Ginny rushed in here to tell me that Katie was down in the Great Hall so I obviously put this thing down pretty darn quickly and ran out of here with her. Once we made it to the Great Hall, I spotted Katie surrounded by a group of friends, including Anna and some of their mutual friends that I didn't know too well. Katie spotted us from across the room and flashed us a big smile. I ran over and when I got to the edge of the group I started feeling awkward about pushing my way through. Luckily, Ginny had no such qualms.
"Comin' through! Comin' through!" she hollered as she pushed her way forward, followed by me. Soon Katie and I were locked in a very tight hug. I've been able to see her a few times in the hospital, and for the last few visits she was able to talk, but seeing her up and about is just incredible. I really missed her. We're back on good terms now- everything's been settled thank goodness. I feel like the whole gang's back together again and it's great. Katie promised to get away from her groupies eventually tonight and she said she had boy gossip for me. Haha typical Katie, gotta love her.
Well it's actually pretty late, and tomorrow is Monday so I'm getting to sleep. I'll just have to talk to Katie tomorrow during classes. I'm so relieved she's back though. I think I'll be sleeping with a smile tonight.