Chapter 34! Sorry for the long wait, I've been extremely busy.
I left the precinct, but I didn't want to go to Fin's, so I went to Nick's. I hadn't seen him in three days, and it was time to talk to him, I think we both needed it. I took a seat with him on his couch after he silently and awkwardly invited me in. I could tell he was taking it personally, that I wasn't staying with him. I wished he knew how I felt, he was blaming himself, for making me feel scared, for making me hate him, but none of that was true. How could I hate him? "Nick. You need to stop blaming yourself for everything."
"It was my fault I yelled at you, and you can't tell me it's not."
"I don't blame you for it. I know you didn't mean it personally."
"Why did you leave? Liv, I need you."
"I'm sorry. I just needed some time to think about everything. To get myself together, so I can be there for you. I should've been able to help you through it, and instead, I lost it. It was nothing you did. It was what I did." I sat, and I waited for a response, but he only sat still, looking at his lap.
"You still left."
"I had to, Nick. I needed to get myself together."
"And I can't help you with that." He said, coming to his own conclusion. I shook my head, but he stood up. "I see how it is." He said, and headed back to his bedroom.
"No, Nick-" I tried, but he was gone. I felt terrible. This was why I needed to stay with Fin. It was too hard on the both of us. He would say something, and I would react. It wasn't his fault. It was hard on me. Fin had it all together, he never yelled at me, and he wasn't there when it all happen. Fin knew how to help me. It was just different with him. I walked back to his room, where I was met with a closed door. "Nick. Come on." He didn't say anything. "Nick." I still didn't get a response. "Nick, please just open the door."
"Um, you know what? I need my space right now. So, you should probably head over to Fin's."
"Nick-"
"I mean it, Liv. Come back tomorrow."
I didn't want to leave him this upset. I was worried about him. I didn't know what he might do, but I had left him before... "I just want to know you're okay."
"I'm fine Liv. Please. I just want some time."
"It's hard for me to believe you when you won't even look at my face." I said, causing him to open the door. I was face to face with his red and puffy eyes, not willing to meet mine. "Nick…"
"Liv, I let you have your space. Now, can you please give me mine?"
"Yeah. Call me if you need anything. Okay?"
"Yeah, okay." He said, closing the door again. The last thing I wanted to do was leave him alone when he was hurting so much, and I just wanted to hold him in my arms and tell him everything would be alright, and I was going to help him. I sent Amanda a text on my way out, to see if she could check on him after she got off work. I had been so much more worried about Nick ever since he had expressed he wanted to die when he was in prison, and he'd thought about killing himself. I'll admit, I've thought about it a time or two, but it wasn't something I was concerned about with myself. I knew I wouldn't do it. But Nick... he was keeping all this bottled up inside, and he was going to break, and all of those emotions and feelings he hasn't been allowing himself to express is going to come bubbling to the surface, and explode. I just didn't want to be in a position to where I could've prevented it, and I didn't do anything to stop it. I drove myself over to Fin's place, and I made myself something to eat, and I hoped he would be back soon.
Nick's POV
She left. Again. I picked up the phone, and I called the therapist Amanda had referred me to. I thought she could clear me. I was going to look up every single advice to pass the psych on the internet, and I was going to maybe pass this thing.
Be honest. Don't worry too much. Relax. Be honest. Things were not looking too good for me now. I would do my best, but if I failed, no one would have to know. I was going to be alone for the rest of the night, and no one would even know I left my house.
Amanda's POV
I left work, and headed straight over to Nick's. It wasn't just because Olivia had asked me to, although that was a part of it. I was genuinely concerned about him. I was one of two people he talked to anymore, and he and Olivia hadn't been talking too much recently. I knocked on his door, and waited for him to answer. I didn't get a response. "Nick! Are you in there!? It's me, Amanda!" I yelled, but he didn't answer. I called his cell. Straight to voicemail. I immediately called Olivia. "Hey, I uh, don't mean to freak you out or anything, but Nick isn't answering his door. Do you have a key?"
"Yeah, I'll be right there." Olivia said, and I hung up the phone. I had never felt more helpless, standing right outside his door, and who knew what he could be doing in there. I decided to take a lap around the house, just to make sure he wasn't in his backyard, and wasn't able to hear me. He wasn't back there. His backyard was dead. The grass was dead, the plants were dead. All his blinds to his house were closed. I just wanted to know what was going on in there. I shook my head as I returned to the front of the house, and took a seat on the porch while I waited for Olivia.
Olivia's POV
I arrived at Nick's place in a panic. I was such a nervous wreck after I hung up the phone after talking to Amanda, Fin offered to drive me, and I knew that was best. I jumped out of the car as soon as the car came to a stop, and met Amanda on the porch.
"I've tried calling him a hundred times, and it's going straight to voicemail." She told me.
"He wasn't doing too well when I left him." I said, and knocked on the door. "Nick! It's Liv!" I didn't wait too long after that, and I just assumed he wouldn't answer the door, and I opened the door myself. I lead the way in the house, with Amanda following, and Fin following Amanda. I went straight for him bedroom, but he wasn't in there, and his bathroom door was shut slightly, so I walked over there, trying to see in, and my heart beating out of my chest at what I might find. "Nick?" I said, and I pushed open the door, but he wasn't there. I let out a breath, but I didn't know if it was actually a good thing that he wasn't there. Where else could he be? Amanda and Fin both joined me as I was leaving his room. "He's not here." I said. We stood there in silence for a few seconds. "Is his car still here?" I asked, and we all went out to the garage, hoping he was in there, and also hoping he had left to buy some groceries, or something. Fin opened the door, and we were met with an empty garage. I sighed. "Maybe he just went to the store or something?"
"Yeah, with his cell phone turned off?"
"You thinking he was kidnapped?" Again. No, it couldn't be happening. No. I shook my head as the realization hit me.
"Liv, it's probably fine. He probably went to the store." Fin said, placing his hand on my shoulder, and I jumped at the contact.
"He can't go through that again... he can't. I can't."
"Liv, we're not gonna let anything happen to you." He assured me.
"That's not what I meant. I can't watch him go through that again. I can't- I can't do it again." I grabbed onto Fin, the amount of air suddenly diminished, and he started to lead me toward the door.
"Come on, let's get out of here." He said. We all made our way to the front porch, where we took a seat, and decided to wait for a while to see if he came back. It was Nick we were talking about, and he didn't have the best judgement, so we knew he was most likely out somewhere, since there were no signs of force or a break in.
Nick's POV
"I was raped. He made her watched while he raped me." I said, not crying, just saying it like it was.
"What's going through your head right now?" She asked me.
"I'm not gay."
"Is that why you're afraid to tell people about what happen?"
"Yeah. I don't have a problem with gay people or anything, I just don't want people thinking it about me. They'll think I can't hold my own at work anymore. It's just a perception people have." I hung my head. "I just want to get back to work. I feel like the best way for me to deal with it, is for me to help other people who are going through it."
"Let's talk about the escape. You killed him."
"And I'd do it again if I had to. He hurt her. Bad. No one can understand, what I had to watch her go through, when he was there, when he would leave us alone. While he tortured her. I had to be there for all of it. I'm not sorry I killed him. There was no other way out." I added the last sentence to sound more humane. I knew if I didn't, she would think I was going to go out and be trigger happy when I got back in the field, so I made sure she knew it was an isolated incident.
"Have you had any recent suicidal thoughts?"
"A few times. Mostly while I was in prison. But, I know I have people to talk to, now that I'm out. I have a girlfriend, a reason to live. I don't want to kill myself. I want to be here for my little baby girl." I was having a better moment. All that I said was true in that moment, but there were times when it wasn't entirely true.
"Okay. Now, these papers. I will sign them, with the stipulation that you talk to someone, at least once a week, when you return back to work."
"Thank you. Thank you so much." I said. I couldn't believe it. The minute I stopped stressing so much, I was able to seem like a normal person, and pass this thing.
Olivia's POV
"What if someone took him?" I whispered, not expecting anyone to hear me. Fin was standing near the road, waiting for Nick's car to pull up, as if it would ever. Amanda stood at the bottom of the steps I was sitting on. She turned around after I spoke.
"Liv, it doesn't look like anyone took him. There's no evidence of it."
"That doesn't mean-"
"We have to think positive. Stay calm, the stress really isn't good on the baby." The baby. If Nick really was gone, the baby would be the only thing I had left of him, and I couldn't do anything to harm that. At the same time, there was no way I could calm down until I knew he was safe.
"Hey guys!" Fin called from the street. "I think that's him."
I ran to the sidewalk, and looked down the street, and I could see him driving up. I was so relieved. I could hardly catch my breath. He parked the car on the street, since Amanda was in the driveway. He got out, and all of us went over to him. "Where were you?" I asked.
"I went to take my psych. I passed."
"Do you have any idea how worried I was!?" My eyes filled with tears as I shook my head. "You couldn't have told me?"
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm so sorry." He said, and he stepped toward me, opening his arms. I pushed him away.
"No. Please, just stop. I can't do this. Not right now." I took a few steps back. "I'm glad you're alive. Okay? Because you had me scared." I said, and turned to get into Fin's car. I saw Amanda give Fin the go ahead to follow me, and she walked inside with Nick.
"You wanna talk?" He asked, when he got in the car.
I shook my head, and sniffled back the tears. He drove me to his place, and I immediately went into the bedroom I was staying in, and closed the door, sinking to the ground in front of the door. I tried to silence the sobs, but I couldn't control it.
Amanda's POV
Nick was mad at himself for making Olivia so upset. He kept apologizing to me, but it wasn't me he needed to apologize to. He had really hurt her when he left without saying anything. Granted, he is a grown man, and he shouldn't have to report every place he goes to anyone, but the way it all happen to go down was a disaster. I knew he never meant for any of it to happen like that.
"Do you think I should call her?"
"I think she needs a little time right now. Maybe in the morning."
He nodded. "I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to make her that worried."
"I know, Nick. You don't need to apologize to me."
"I'm gonna get some sleep. I don't want to hurt anyone else today."
"Nick." It was only 6 PM.
"Goodnight." He said, and walked to his bedroom. I didn't know whether to follow him, let myself out, or make myself at home. None of them seemed like the right choice.
Fin's POV
She had been in there for 10 minutes. The volume of her sobs had only increased. It was getting harder and harder for me to listen to. I had knocked on the door after the first 2 minutes, and she said she wanted to be alone, so I was trying to respect that. I could hear the pain with every sob, and I wanted more than anything to be able to take that pain away. She didn't deserve any of it. I tried to distract myself with some food, but I couldn't help it, when she let out the most painful half-scream half-sob yet. I walked over to the door, and I knocked. "Liv, are you alright?"
I could hear her say "no" through the next sob, and I cracked open the door. She was curled up in a ball, lying on the floor with her arms wrapped around her stomach.
"Liv." I said, and I kneeled by her, placing a hand on her back. "Hey, it's okay." I told her. She continued sobbing, and I just rubbed circles on her back. I felt like I should've been doing more, but there wasn't really anything else I could've done. "Liv, you're safe. Everyone's safe. It's okay." I watched her cry for what seemed like forever. Each second, my heart broke more and more for her, and by the end, there was nothing left but shards of my heart. Her tears and the sobs slowly came to a stop, and she just lay there, motionless for a while. I didn't know what was going through her mind, but I didn't want to disturb it. I continued rubbing circles on her back, and she finally brought one hand up to wipe the tears.
"I'm sorry. That was ugly." She whispered.
"You don't need to apologize. I'm here for you."
"Can you give me a minute?"
"Yeah." I walked out of the room, leaving the door open so she hopefully wouldn't shut me out. It only took her a minute, and she was out of the room, with her hair thrown up. We sat on the couch together.
"Thank you Fin."
"That's what I'm here for." I told her. "You wanna talk?"
"I felt the baby kick. For the first time. She's real. It was like she was trying to comfort me." She let out a heavy breath. "It just made me cry harder... it's scary. We're not ready."
"You still have a little over five and a half months. The best thing you can do for the baby now, is to take it easy."
"I know." She paused for a second. "Nick's not ready to go back to work. You know, after today... and the whole weekend. I just don't think he's ready."
"Is it him that's not ready, or you? You don't want him to be in danger? You can't lose him again?"
She nodded. "It's both. I was so scared. You have no idea what he went through."
She had told me that so many times, it was still true, but I knew I didn't have any idea of what they went through. "From what it sounded like, you had it worse, and you were cleared."
"I wasn't sent to prison."
I got the feeling that there was more to that than she was letting on. When he came out of prison he was more disconnected than ever. He wouldn't look at me at all. Maybe Olivia didn't know about anything, but I was almost certain if something did happen, he would have told her. "Did something happen to him in prison?" I asked softly, hoping she would tell me if something did.
She closed her eyes as she shook her head, shying away from me.
"Liv, you know you can tell me if something happened." She nodded, and I held her hands as she sat facing me, and I struggled to maintain eye contact with her. "If something happened, he needs help. He's keeping it bottled up. If he wasn't your partner, what would you advise him to do?"
She shook her head, lowering it. I didn't know if anything for sure happen, but her reaction was telling me she wanted to say something, but she had promised him she wouldn't. "Nothing happened. If something did, I don't know about it. Okay, talk to him." She paused for a second. "Do you really think something happened?"
"I don't know. I don't think he's made eye contact with me since he was released. He's extremely jumpy, his nightmares... I been doing this job long enough to know the signs. But, he did go through a lot with you, and I want to believe him, but something in me is telling me, he's not telling us everything."
"I'm just not getting the same vibe from him." She said. Then, she walked back to my guest room. I knew I couldn't push either one of them, if something had happened, pushing would not make either of them want to tell me. Also, I didn't want her to admit something happened, if it didn't, just so I would quit pushing it on her. So, I waited for them to come to me, if they were every ready to talk.
Nick's POV
Olivia came back the next day, with all of her things. I was so glad she was back, to stay. I was thinking I was finally ready to talk to her about what happened, but we had pulled so far apart in the past few days, and I needed a little time to get reacquainted with her. She arrived by herself, and she threw her arms around me. "I'm sorry I ran, when I should've been here to support you." She whispered in my ear.
I couldn't say anything, and I just closed my eyes as I embraced her presence. I loved having her in my home. "Come on in." I said when we broke the hug. She planted a kiss on my lips, it meant that said she was still interested in me, and it meant more than she knew. I needed that reassurance.
We sat down on the stools in my kitchen, after she had put her stuff in my room, and I made us both something to eat. "So, how've you been?" She asked me before taking a bite of her sandwich.
"Okay." I told her, honestly. I hadn't been 'good' I hadn't been 'great' I was just 'okay', just getting by. It was hard without her, and I wanted her to know that. I wanted her to think before she left again. I wanted, no needed her to stay. "How've you been?"
"I've been doing alright. I haven't been great or anything. I'm just glad I'm back." She said, and I was so glad to hear it.
...
Later that night, we were sitting on the couch, and she was about to turn the TV on, but I stopped her. "Liv, wait." She looked at me, still pointing the remote to the TV with her finger on the power button. "Can we talk?" As the words fell from my mouth, I felt an overwhelming sense of nervousness consume me.
After I asked, she set down the remote, and sat down next to me, placing a hand on me. "Of course." She said.
I nodded, taking a deep breath. "I forgot where we left off, so I'm just going to start." I said. She laid a hand on my back, and I took her other hand in mine. "He told you not to look away. He told me not to bite him. I just- I was so disgusted. I started gagging. I didn't mean to bite him. I thought he was gonna kill me. He punched me. Then, he kicked me. I had never felt worse pain. He handcuffed my hands." I tried to hold back the tears, but they fell anyways. I could never make it past here. I was going to do it tonight. I had to. I just had to say what happen next. That was the hardest part. "He raped me. The pain made all my other pain disappear. He punched me. I knew it was because you looked away. I wanted to disappear. I'd never felt more helpless." I wiped the tears, but they kept falling, and I stopped caring. It wasn't like she'd never seen me cry before. "I felt... him enjoy it." I looked at Olivia, who sat listening. If it was bothering her, she didn't show it. I looked back away from her before I continued. "I was on my back. He grabbed me. I tried to hold it in. I'm not gay..." I covered my face with my hands.
"I know that, Nick. Your body reacted. That's all. It's not your fault."
I nodded, and I took her hand again. "He put me in his mouth, and bit down. I never knew pain until then. He ordered me to get on my knees. The pain... I finally was able to get up, after he threatened your life... I didn't want you to die. I said what he wanted me to, and I made him come, and he made me swallow. Then, he threw me on my face, and raped me again. He took the handcuffs off, and I wanted to fight him, but I couldn't move." I waited for her to say something but she remained quiet. "So, that's what happen."
"I'm so proud of you." She said. I looked over, and she had a tear running down her face, that she quickly wiped, and I wiped my tears as well. More tears fell from my eyes, and I realized what I had just done, what I had hold her, how embarrassed I was, how far I had come. I fell into her arms, and I let myself go. I cried. I couldn't help it. I buried my head into her shoulder, and I cried.
So, there it is. Please review this, I really need some motivation to write.