Learning To Feel

It was late when Q got home. His flat was mostly dark, but he could see a flickering light. Tentatively, he walked into the living room, unsure of what he would find - and Bond was there. The younger man looked at the double-oh-agent, and Bond looked uneasy, nervous… sorry. The older man had to clear his throat so he could speak. His voice was quiet.

"I saw you hug him… your friend from Medical, and I panicked. I thought-" Bond took a deep breath and exhaled loudly.

"His father passed away." Bond looked at Q and there was a flash of recognition in the double-oh-agent's eyes. "James-"

"Please let me finish, Q." Bond swallowed and took another deep breath. "I saw you with him, and I thought you'd be better with someone like him, rather than someone so fucked up like me. I made the decision to leave you then and there. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything. I knew this was different from the very beginning. I should have stopped it then, but I didn't. I was selfish, and I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you."

Q put his hand up. "If you're come back to twist the knife a little further, please don't."

"No!" Bond said quickly, "No, that's not why I'm here."

"Then why are you here, James?" Q asked the older man sharply. "Why?" Bond tried to speak, but the younger man wouldn't let him. Q jabbed his finger into the older man's chest. "I love you, for fucks sake. I love you! Fucking hell, James," the younger man said, throwing his hands up. Q's anger came back with a surge. "My entire world gets turned on its head, and I was prepared to give you everything!"

Bond's face fell, he opened his mouth and closed it again before he spoke. His voice was so quiet it was barely a breath. "I know I don't deserve you, but I need you to listen. Please?" The older man's eyes were wide and honest, and his chest was heaving rapid breaths. "Please I need to say this without getting it wrong. I couldn't leave you. I tried, I did, but it got harder to breath every mile I put between us - I couldn't breath." The older man's breathing becoming labored now. Bond was taking deep breaths, but it didn't seem to be working. He was almost gasping.

"James calm down, please."

The older man pushed the palm of his hand against his ribs, like they hurt. He was gasping. Bond's words were all running together because he was trying to talk too fast, and he wasn't breathing properly. "I've only ever used sex for work… never anything more. I never let anyone else in. I couldn't risk being hurt… then you came along, and I know it was different from the start."

Q tried to listen to Bond, but the older man was breathing too hard, as though he was about to hyperventilate. The double-oh-agent was having a panic attack. The younger man found himself walking over to him. Q put his hand on Bond's shoulder, and it seemed to help calm the older man.

"James," Q said his name calmly. "I need you to calm down. Take some deep breaths for me." The older man gulped at the air, and he closed his eyes tight. Q tried to soothe him, "James, it's okay. Just breathe." The younger man took some deep breaths to help regulate Bond's breathing.

Bond nodded and tried to smile. After some deep inhaling his breathing seemed to steady a little. Then he said, "I'm just so sorry, Q. You told me how you felt, and I fucked it up by leaving you." Then the double-oh-agent said. "It's been so perfect, with you. I told myself for years I'd never have that." The older man swallowed hard again and took another deep breath. "I never wanted something so bad."

"What are you trying to say, James?"

The older man looked like he was about to be sick. Bond's voice was so quiet, Q almost didn't hear him. "I'm scared." And from the look in Bond's eyes, the younger man didn't doubt it. He looked scared.

Q wrapped his hand around Bond's neck and pulled the older man's face into his neck. Bond's breathing started to accelerate again, and the younger man whispered, "Breathe."

And Bond did. His hands went to Q's waist, fisting into the younger man's cardigan, his forehead was against Q's collarbone,and the younger man could feel Bond shaking. Quietly, Q asked him. "Are you're scared for your heart?" The older man nodded yes, and started to cry, something he didn't allow himself for a very long time.

"James, you hurt me," Q told him honestly and the younger man felt Bond's body recoil from his words. He held the older man tighter. "Look at me." Q could tell he didn't want to, but reluctantly the double-oh-agent lifted his head. There was defeat and resignation and tears in the older man's eyes. The younger man told him, "When I told you how I felt and you walked out, it felt like a hole had been punched through my chest. I told you I had feelings for you… all those times I asked you to have sex with me…"

Bond's eyes closed and tears fell down his cheeks. "It was never you," the older man sobbed quietly. "All those times, every single time you wanted me to, it was never you that wasn't ready." Bond's eyes opened, and he looked into the younger man's. "It was me. I knew I was falling for you, and it scared me."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Bond sobbed, and his tears fell freely. His voice was so, so quiet. "Because everyone I care about leaves me."

The older man's pain was killing Q, so he held Bond tighter. "So you thought you'd leave me first, before I could leave you?"

The double-oh-agent nodded against the younger man and cried harder. "I'm sorry," he sobbed, over and over. "I'm so sorry."

Q took Bond's face in his hands and wiped the older man's tears with his thumbs. "No more apologies. No more tears." The younger man kissed Bond's cheeks and tasted salty water. "Don't ever, ever leave me again," Q told him, and the double-oh-agent's eyes opened wide. They were red and puffy, and they sparkled with disbelief and hope.

"Okay," Bond said shakily.

Q smiled sadly at the older man. "You silly man. Next time talk to me."

"Next time? You mean you forgive me?" Bond was almost pleading.

"Of course I forgive you," Q told him, and Bond exhaled in a huff and smiled. "I love you James Bond."

The older man started to cry again, but these were happy tears, tears of relief. Q held him for the longest time. Bond's breathing was back to normal, so the younger man kissed him, softly, sweetly. Their bodies started to sway, they were dancing almost. And Q was holding Bond, and the older man was clutching Q like he never wanted to let him go.

Bond didn't say he loved him, but Q knew he did.