Tegan's POV
I take my time getting ready for the day. It takes twice as long than normal to brush my hair and teeth. I steal a glance at the clock on my phone. Time is basically up, and as if she is my own personal alarm clock, Sara appears in the bathroom doorway. I look at her through the mirror and she taps her finger on her wrist. I look away and pick my hairbrush back up.
"You can't keep avoiding her, Tee." Sara says, crossing her arms and leaning against the door jamb.
"I still have a couple minutes," I mumble, brushing through my ponytail.
Sara lets out an exaggerated sigh and steps up behind me, grabbing the brush and running it through my hair that desperately needs a cut. "The longer you wait the more awkward it'll be," she says, tugging on and tightening the band around my hair.
"Ow.." I mutter under my breath, swatting at Sara.
"And besides, you don't want to be on edge all day around all of those kids," she continues.
I exhale loudly, walking out of the bathroom. I plop down onto the bed and pull on my wool socks that Emy's mum made for me. Today the team is starting an after school, week long camp for young girls. It's done every year the week before we finally head onto the rink to help raise money for the traveling we do later on in the season. I haven't interacted with kids much so I'm nervous about that and it's been four days since Halloween where I last saw and talked to Emy. Sara's right though. I have to suck it up and confront her and find out why she just left like she did.
"I don't even know what to say to her. I should have just kept my skates here then I wouldn't be in this mess." I groan, heading to the living room. Sara follows closely behind.
"We wouldn't be in this mess if we wouldn't have had sex with our best friend," she counters, laying down on our couch.
"Well I don't regret it." I say. It comes out snippier than I intended and I shoot Sara an apologetic glance. She bites her lip and gets up, walking over to me and pulling me into a hug.
"I don't regret it either," she whispers, rubbing my back with her palms, "but you have to at least talk to her."
"I know. I will." I unwrap myself from Sara and hoist my bag over my shoulder. My stomach is already doing somersaults and I rub my hand over it, trying to calm it down.
"Everything will be fine," Sara reassures me, kissing my forehead. "Just call or text if you need anything. I'll be around all day."
I nod, pulling her back into me and kissing her. I hate that I'm so busy on a day she has off but I can't do anything about it. I need to go to hockey. Sara breaks the kiss and ushers me towards the door, holding it open, and kissing my cheek.
"Have a good day, Baby. I love you."
"I love you too." I sigh, stepping into the hallway reluctantly.
"Good luck!" Sara calls out when I reach the front entrance. I nod and wave, walking out into the cool autumn air.
I try to walk as slow as I can to the dorm but it's such a short distance that I still make it there in less than fifteen minutes. It's not enough time for my stomach to settle or my mind to play out all the possible scenarios. I trudge up the stairs to my room, unlocking the door. I push it open and step inside, feeling my stomach nerves flare up again.
Emy's sitting at her desk using her laptop, wearing only a towel. Her wet hair clings to her shoulders and back and her white headphones peak out, hanging around her neck. She hasn't heard me and I push the door shut harder than necessary, getting her attention. Her head snaps up and her eyes widen when she looks at me. Her hands fly to cover herself though nothing is exposed. I start to turn red, feeling shy and awkward just like the day we met. She blushes harder than I do and starts darting her eyes around her half of the room, looking around for clothes to easily slip into. I distract myself and pack up my skates while she gets dressed. When she finishes she sits down on her bed and I sit on mine, directly across from her.
"Uh, hey Em. What's up?" I ask, my voice shaky.
"Er, not much, just working on a project. You?" She replies, looking anywhere but at me.
"Girl's hockey camp." I point to my bag and she nods. I wait to see if she's going to say anything and when she doesn't, I square my shoulders and cross my legs. The only thing left to do is just face the situation and get it over with, as much as I don't want to. I ask the only question that comes to mind.
"The other morning. . . why did you just leave like that?"
"Oh. Um, well honestly I wasn't going to. I woke up and heard you guys talking but when I peeked in on you in the dining room it looked like you were having a pretty important moment so I just left. I was going to talk to you when you came back here but you never did so I figured you were both mad at me or something."
"Oh," I say, feeling a huge wave of relief wash over me. "We thought you were mad at us! We're totally okay with everything that happened. I mean, this right now is totally awkward but yeah, it's cool. It was fun. Sara and I are a-okay. We're good then too?" I gush, slowly starting to feel things return back to normal.
Emy starts to chuckle and runs her fingers through her hair. "Yeah, of course. That's such a relief to hear. I thought I overstepped my boundaries and really fucked things up because you two are the most perfect couple like, ever, and I would hate to have put that into jeopardy. I don't think I'll be taking brownies from a stranger's fridge anytime soon again but yeah, we're totally good."
"I feel like I weigh twenty pounds lighter," I laugh, falling onto my back. I can't believe I wasted all that time practically worrying myself sick over the simplest misunderstanding. She just didn't want to interrupt us, that was all. I can't even think of anything else to say about it because it all feels so far in the past already. That's how quickly we've moved on. I smile to myself, taking my phone out of my pocket and texting Sara to let her know what's up, then turn back to Emy, comfortably chatting with her about our plans for the day until I have to leave.
Sara's POV
I head through the main entrance of the hockey rink. Tegan forgot her lunch bag in the fridge at home. I'm pretty sure she did it on purpose just to give me something to do and for an excuse for her to see me. It's not much but it's sweet and it really is the small things that count.
I take a right and then a left, following the signs to the concession area. I stop outside the double doors when I see Tegan at one of the tables and not out on the ice. She's got her skates on though and is helping a little girl, about five or six, take one of her's off. Tears stream slowly down the girls face and as Tegan carefully rolls one of her pants leg, I see why. The skin surrounding her knee is already starting to discolor from bruising and somehow she managed to scrape her knee bad enough on the smooth ice to make it bleed.
Tegan looks up, asking the girl something, and she nods, holding up four of her fingers. Tegan nods back and reaches for the first aid kit, catching my eye in the process. She smiles and waves quickly. I smile back, lifting her lunch bag to show her, and I let myself in but stay near the door, waiting for Tegan to finish up uninterrupted.
"This might sting a little." Tegan warns the little girl. Tegan wipes a damp cloth across her knee, cleaning up the blood, and she cringes, letting out a little whimper. "We'll get you kneepads after you're all fixed up so you can get right back out there on the ice. How does that sound?"
The girl shakes her head, sniffling, "I want to go home. I don't like hockey."
Tegan frowns, throwing me a quick glance, then she starts to smile like she has something up her sleeve. She grabs a bandaid and sits on the bench next to the kid. Tegan points to me, asking the girl, "You see that girl over there?"
The girl nods, eyeing me up and down. I offer her a small smile, wondering what Tegan is up to, and then she proceeds to tell the story of our first date and how I wouldn't let go of her hand the whole time. Needless to say I'm a bit embarrassed but at least the girl is laughing by the time the story is over.
"The way I see it, you're one of the bravest here. You weren't afraid to go on the ice and try your best. You didn't even use the wall for help. Even I was too scared to do that when I was learning to skate and you know what? I've broken my arm three times and almost my leg too once all because of hockey but I never gave up and look where I am now."
"Really?" The girl's eyes widen in awe and she stares at Tegan's arms while Tegan rolls her pants leg back down. Tegan flashes her gummy smile and nods.
"Can I tell you a secret?" Tegan asks.
The girl nods her head excitedly, swinging her injured leg back and forth. I put my hand over my mouth to stifle my giggles. This has got to be the cutest thing I have ever seen. Tegan glances at me quickly again, her eyes twinkling. She looks back to the girl and leans in close, whispering, "It's the ones like you that will be better than the rest. You just have to keep trying and not give up, no matter what, and then someday you'll be teaching someone how to play hockey and it's your name the crowd will be chanting. So what do you say we get you those kneepads and then get back out on the ice? I have a super cool trick I can show you."
That's all it takes for the girl, completely enamored with Tegan, to pick her skate back up. Once it's back on along with her new kneepads she marches, wobbly but confidently, back to the entrance with her hand in Tegan's. I watch them skate around the ice once, Tegan helping her the entire way, and then she lets her hand go, letting her skate on her own.
Tegan gets off the ice and comes to properly greet me, that goofy smile still on her face, and it makes me so emotional. That was a side to Tegan I've never seen and one day, I hope to see it everyday. I hand Tegan her lunch and she thanks me, setting it on the table next to the first aid kit. Before she can get a word in I hug her by the waist so tightly that if I had the strength, I'd pick her right up off the ground.
Tegan laughs, hugging me back, and I turn us so I can kiss her without the kids knowing what we're doing. I graze my tongue over Tegan's top lip but she breaks the kiss instead, promising, "Later."
"Sorry," I laugh, still holding her at the waist. I can't stop staring at her. She just seems so different all of a sudden.
"What?" She blushes, cocking her head to the side.
"I had no idea you were so good with kids." I smile.
"Really?" She smiles back.
I nod, kissing her nose and sliding my hands to her backside. I wanted to take her around the corner and fuck her against the wall. The idea of Tegan being a mother was such a turn on for some reason. I kiss her on the lips, muttering, "You're going to be such a good mum, Tee. I can't wait to have your children."
I feel her tense in my grip and slowly step back, clearing her throat. "Um, I should get back. Thanks for bringing me lunch," she says, walking away.
I'm stunned, and completely confused, but not enough to not reach out for her wrist. I pull her back a few steps and she turns around, staring at my forehead rather than looking me in the eye. I drop her wrist and cross my arms over my chest.
"What the hell was that? Do you not want to have kids with me?" I ask, my voice cracking. I'd never even thought seriously about kids yet but now it was the only thing that mattered.
"I don't want to talk about it, Sara. I'll see you at home, okay?" She dismisses me, kissing me on my parted, frozen lips and then walks away, getting back on the ice.
Too stunned now to even comprehend what just happened and how that could have possibly gone wrong and how impossible it is that Tegan doesn't want to raise a family with me. I walk home in a daze and collapse onto the couch, not even bothering to slip my shoes off.
Tegan's POV
I find Sara asleep on the couch. I'm tempted to just leave her and go to bed myself but that will only make things worse. I didn't mean to snap at her earlier. It's just a sensitive topic, I guess. I drop my bag by the coat and shoe racks and crouch down in front of Sara, shaking her shoulder. "Sara, hey, Sare."
She slowly comes to and sits up, sliding her glasses back down to rest on the bridge of her nose. "Hi," she says quietly.
"Let's talk over coffee?" I suggest.
Sara nods and we go to the kitchen, reheating two mugs of this morning's coffee, and sit across from each other at the dining table.
"Um, well first of all I'm sorry," I start, distractedly stirring the light brown liquid that's probably more creamer than actual coffee around with a spoon.
Sara simply shrugs, not looking at me. After a moment she finally does, and her glasses are wet with her tears. She barely manages to blubber out her questions. "Am I not a long term thing for you? Do you not want to have a family with me?"
"It's nothing like that, I promise," I say, getting up and walking over to Sara and taking her face in my hands so she has to look at me and can see that it's nothing like that. "I love you, you know that. You feel that. If I could have twenty kids with you I would but I can't. . . I just can't."
Sara continues to cry, shaking her head, "But why can't you?"
"I. . . I. ." I choke on my words. I don't want to talk about it. I sit back down and slump against the back of the chair, exhausted emotionally and physically. I look towards the ceiling and rub my eyes with the heels of my palms, getting it over with. "I don't want my kids to have parents or a childhood like I did. I'm so afraid I'm going to be just like them."
Sara looks up, her expression going from heart broken to downright incredulous then she starts to laugh like it was a joke. "Baby, that's the most absurd thing I've ever heard. You're nothing like them!"
I look down, staring at my coffee, and don't say anything.
"Oh, Tegan. Seriously?" Sara asks, grabbing my hand and squeezing it.
I shrug. I didn't see how it was so absurd. I was one half of each of them, and together they were a lethal combination. I didn't see how that made me any different. "Sara," I shake my head, letting out a sob, "if I play hockey I'm not going to be around just like my parents. They were always too busy with work and they tried to make up for it by spoiling me, and quite honestly it worked. It hurt so much that they weren't there so I just accepted anything they did throw at me even if it was the latest computer or pair of shoes or whatever. It's going to be so easy to fall into their footsteps. I'll be on the road the majority of the year and I'll be making more than enough money. It's just history repeating itself. I can't risk that. I'm not treating my own kid like that and I'm not doing that to you."
There's a few minutes of silence while we both let it sink in. Then Sara squeezed my hand again. I look up at her and she's smiling again.
"Baby, do you really think I'd let that happen? I loathe your parents more than anything and like Hell I am ever letting you remotely resemble them. If I have to pack my bags and follow you wherever you go with a baby in my arms, I'll do that. Or if I have to wait ten years until you're retired or whatever, I'll do that too." She stands up and moves my mug out of the way, sitting on the table in front of me. She takes my face into her hands and wipes the rest of my tears away. "I'm sorry if I upset you earlier. I don't want you thinking I'm expecting us to pop out a bunch of babies in a year or two but I want you to know that that is something I see in my future with you and if that's what you want too, we're going to do everything we have to to make it work. You don't have to choose. You can have hockey and a family."
I hug Sara's waist and rest my head on her stomach. "Promise me you won't let me become like them."
"I promise, Baby," she soothes, kissing the top of my head.
I sigh and kiss her stomach. I know Sara's right. I freaked out for no reason, once again. I wouldn't make the same mistakes my parents did. If I want to have a kid with Sara someday, which I definitely do, that kid will be the most loved person on earth. I could even teach her, or him, how to play hockey just like I did today. I smile and softly chuckle.
"Hmm?" Sara hums, looking down at me.
I grin at her and she smiles questioningly back.
"I really was good with that little girl today, wasn't I?"