Chapter 37

"FOR FUCK'S SAKE, GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!" Lana screamed at Paul during labor several months later. "AND IF YOU PUT THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I WILL CUT IT OFF AND SHOVE IT DOWN YOUR GODDAMN THROAT!"

"What? I'm just concerned about you," Paul said, bemused. He'd seen Lana pissed before, but nothing like this.

"If you were so damn concerned, you wouldn't have done this to me in the first place. Your stupid fault for not pulling out in time. YOURS, I said!"

"Come on, baby, you don't mean that."

"Get away from me," she hissed.

"Jesus, if having kids turns you into Satan, this will definitely be an only child."

"And fuck you too, Paul."

"Uh….isn't that how we ended up in the present situation to begin with?"

"The head is crowning," the doctor said, seeming nonplussed at the exchange between Lana and Paul. "Not much longer now before the baby is here."

"Well, hurry the hell up, will you? I'm dying a slow and painful death here!" Lana cried.

"Hear that? The kid is almost out of the oven," Paul grinned he watched in wonder as the head of his son came into view.

"Hey, stupid ass," Kim smacked a dozing Brian across the head a few hours later. "Wake the hell up."

"What…what the fuck are you bitching about now?" he asked groggily, rubbing his head.

"Somebody's headed our way. I think Lana finally had the baby."

"Yeah?" He was now fully awake. "Where's PL?"

"Duh, he's probably still with her, Tweedle Dumb. Do I have to tell you everything?"

"Hey, you knew I wasn't the sharpest tool in the garage when you married me."

"Yeah, good point. I think I must have had temporary insanity when we eloped to Vegas."

"Love you too, Kimberly."

A nurse approached the pair, stating that Lana had a healthy, nine-pound boy, and both baby and parents were doing well.

"You mean germ freak PL didn't pass out?" Brian asked with a goofy grin.

He was rewarded with a punch in the arm from Kim. "Real smooth, dimwit."

The nurse chuckled. "Actually, he did very well, even with his wife yelling at him the whole time."

"Uh, PL and Red aren't—" Brian began before Kim clapped a hand over his mouth.

"You'll have to excuse my husband," she explained. "His mouth is way ahead of his brain most of the time."

The nurse nodded, still smiling. "Visiting hours start in a few hours, so perhaps you'd like to go get some coffee or something if you like. You're welcome to come back later once we have Lana settled in her room."

"You are going to marry her, aren't you?" Brian asked a few days later when Paul had brought Lana and Daniel home.

"Uh…actually, we haven't really discussed it," Paul replied.

"Dude, what are you waiting for, the next millenium? Surely to Christ, I'm sure the little guy would like to have his parents make it official before he's thirty."

"A piece of paper makes no difference on how Lana and I feel about each other, Spanky."

"No, but it might keep Danny from asking twenty questions when he gets older about why his mami and papi aren't married. I mean, come on, if I married the sea creature back there and lived to tell about it, it sure as hell won't kill you to make it legal with Red."

"Love you too, Shortzilla," Kim called back.

"Nice to see you two in wedded bliss," Paul raised an eyebrow.

"You kidding? I was all but ready to give up on bitches after my last relationship was shot to hell. You two were right; Kimberly is the total package. She can not only take my bullshit and give it back to me, she's got a nice rack, a great can, is a great fuck, and she can kick my ass. How couldn't I eventually fall for her and wisk her off to Vegas before someone else snatched her up?"

"And your family bitched you out for a week about that afterwards, not to mention I was ready to rip your head off and use it for a statue. You're lucky I forgave your happy ass."

"Yeah, they were a little pissed, but they forgave me too. Actually, Shanny thought it was pretty cool."

"She would," Paul rolled his eyes. "I mean who else would have an old lady in a robe and curlers who ran the chapel and some hippie you picked up off the street as witnesses, not to mention an Elvis impersonator perform the ceremony?"

"And our wedding dinner at Denny's afterwards. That cost me less than twenty bucks."

"Cheap bastard," Kim called out teasingly.

"Only the best for my darling," Brian replied.

"You two are hopeless," Paul groaned.

"Well, if you think you can do better, get your ass in gear and propose to Red, because you know I'm going to stay on your shit until you do."

When Danny was six months old, Paul and Lana were married in a small, private ceremony that had been basically hush-hush, with Kim and Brian at their side. There was a simple reception afterwards, most of it involving passing Danny around to friends and relatives.

"You know, the nicest thing about other people's kids is you can give them back at the end of the day," Brian quipped, holding Danny in his lap.

Kim whacked him on the head for his efforts. "Nice way to describe your own godson."

"What? Even you said you weren't ready for kids."

"I'm not, but I will admit Danny's good practice for the day when we are."

"Yeah, because you stick me with the shitty diapers."

"You think Lana and Paul haven't had more than their share? Quit bitching already."

"Uh, speaking of diapers, I think there's a problem here."

Brian lifted up Danny, displaying a wet spot on his leg where the baby had sat and Kim began to laugh.

"Great, now I got a wet spot and will smell like baby piss the rest of the party and you're laughing like a hyena."

"Oh, you are such an old woman," Kim said, taking Danny. "It's only pee; you're washable and so are your clothes."

"Bitch," he grumbled.

"Ho," she answered back.

It was just the beginning of total bliss for both couples.