Warnings: stupidity, parody-ish, makes fun of JK Rowling's epilogue

Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to Joanne Kathleen Rowling and Ouran High School Host Club belongs to Bisuko Hatori and their respective associates of which I am not one.

Features: GrownUp!HPatHC characters and some semi-OCs

The JKR Style Epilogue of Epic Fail

Twenty-One Years Later

At King's Cross Station, which is situated in London, England, there is one platform more than most people know about. This extra platform is hidden by a simple illusion and acts as the gateway to Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Of course, the platform – Platform 9 3/4 – is only used a few times a year; September the first, the third Saturday in December, the second Saturday in January, the Saturday before Easter, the Sunday after, and June thirtieth, when Hogwarts begins and goes for breaks.

Of course, Morinozuka Takashi had heard all about this platform from his husband, Harry James Potter-Morinozuka (normally referred to as just Morinozuka Harry or Potter Harry depending on who was talking about him), but he didn't understand why they were there. After all, he, Harry, and the kids lived in Japan, and the children were perfectly capable of attending a Japanese school.

And the children themselves... don't get him wrong, Takashi loved the children. They were all adopted at birth from teenaged mothers, all magical though Harry and Takashi didn't care to make that distinction, and absolute angels (hellions). But he had made a mistake in letting Harry name them.

The oldest at thirteen was Morinozuka Jemezu, or James Morinozuka as the Hogwarts staff and most of Harry's British friends called the lad. Now, he name was perfectly understandable; James Potter the first was Harry's father and he deserved to be remembered. Although giving him the middle name of Hitoshi was a bit of a strange combination, Takashi did not begrudge his husband naming rights, and it was really nice of him to include Takashi's father's name in there.

Their daughter, Lily, was an absolute dear, and Takashi had been honored that Harry had that her middle name would be Hotaru after Takashi's mother. Again, nothing that would have begrudged him Harry's naming rights. But she was the youngest of the three, and it was their middle child who made Takashi want to tear his hair out.

Arubasu. Harry had named their second child Albus, as in Dumbledore. Why in Merlin's name (for Takashi had long since taken to the magical method of profanity) Harry had named their son firstly after a man who had treated Harry like trash by manipulating and stealing from him (never mind that Dumbledore had kidnapped Takashi) he could not say, and Harry had never really explained when asked. And Takashi had asked. Frequently. Harry had merely shrugged and said it sounded right.

Even the English way of saying the lad's full name, Albus Severus Morinozuka, sounded as though someone had merely tossed together a bunch of random syllables and called it a name. Albus agreed and didn't understand his name any better than the older of his father's did.

"Alright boys, you have a good term, got that?" Harry smiled widely at the boy and ruffled two sets of very neat and tidy brown hair – a complete antithesis to that of both their fathers' wild locks – while Takashi lightly lifted Lily off of his shoulders where she had been roosting to see over the crowd so that she could hug her brothers good-bye. "James, you really ought to stop pranking Professor Weasley, and Albus, make sure you write us tonight."

"Don't call me Albus," he replied out of reflex. "It's a dumb name; you promised to call me Mamoru from now on. And I don't see why we have to go to Hogwarts. There's no electricity and we can't even use our cell phones. Why can't we just go to a school closer to home? At least those are all warded properly!"

Yes, Albus was a most reasonable child in Takashi's mind, and he had little doubt that Lily would be the same. Why did they have to use those thrice-damned portkeys – even worse since they were international transit – for the children to attend a substandard school (alright, so it was a lot better now than it had been, but it was still not the best) that they honestly couldn't care less about? Takashi ended up having to tutor James in History himself due to the ghost that still taught at Hogwarts, and he had been the one to teach them all geography since Harry was pants at it.

"Takashi-tou-san," Lily piped up from where she had his hand grasped in both of hers. "When I go to school, can I go to Beauxbatons instead? Or better yet, the American school? I don't want to go to school with Weasley-san's kids! Maybe Mamoru-kun can go too!"

Oh yes, Lily was a reasonable one. Good for her.

"Nonsense Lily, you'll love Hogwarts! It's a castle, bigger than any of our houses, and there are ghosts," Harry sounded rather chipper. It was strange, considering he had claimed his children would never attend Hogwarts until the offer for them to attend had come in the mail. "Just think, only two more years to go Lilypad!"

Harry's choice in nicknames was almost as bad as his choice in regular names. Lily was about to protest, but Takashi picked her back up and put her on his shoulders.

"I'll talk to him later," he promised quietly, which put Lily back in a good mood. She was soon distracted by a small flock of flutterbyes that someone had released on the other side of the platform and was content to sit on her father's shoulders.

"Mamoru," Takashi muttered. Albus – henceforth referred to as Mamoru because Albus is a dumb name to begin with – grinned, immediately catching the meaning of the utterance and sprang into his father's waiting arms. Some people thought that Takashi wasn't affectionate with the children because of his silent nature, but the kids could see into his every movement and knew otherwise.

To them, it didn't need to be said, but Takashi always told them he loved them out loud anyway.

"Takashi, don't smother the boy," Harry joked. He was the one that did the smothering... it was actually rather scary. Especially after Takashi met Molly Weasley, who was the most overbearing (yet somehow endearing) mother he had ever met.

Of course, he'd never expected to get a threat from the woman about hurting Harry – in that if he did he was going to be castrated with a ladle and a Lockhart novel. How that would work, Takashi did not want to find out.

"Now remember Mamoru, it doesn't matter which house you're in, because we'll love you all the same." Funny, it almost sounded the opposite. Of course, Takashi knew his children well. James was a Hufflepuff, friendly, outgoing, and a hard-worker as well as being insanely loyal. He'd known long before the actual Sorting. Lily would be either a Slytherin – she could manipulate with just one well placed bat of her large amethyst eyes or flip of her dirty-blonde hair – or Ravenclaw, and Mamoru was definitely in Slytherin. No doubt about it. "I was almost in Slytherin you know."

"Yeah, you've mentioned it enough," Mamoru dismissed the reassurances. He knew the Slytherin profile, and honestly, several of his "ji-san" (1) - Kyouya and Mitsukuni in particular – fit it well enough, though never exactly. "Still, owls smell funny."

Which was why Mamoru was bringing Ringo-chan (2), his tanuki (a descendant of Pome-chan), instead of an owl. James had a pure white kneazle that he had named Haku; Hedwig had died some time ago and Takashi was amazed how long Harry could mourn his owl, though he had been supportive. They had not bought an owl since, instead renting from the post office when it was required.

Harry might have said something then to his rather rebellious son, but something – or, rather, someone – caught his attention. "Oi! Ron!" Yes, Professor Ronald Weasley (though how he was made a professor...) was at the station with his wife Lavendar Brown and their children Rose and Hugo.

Takashi did not like Ron Weasley, yet Harry had still forgiven his ex-fake-friend for everything. He had also forgiven Draco Malfoy and various other personages who had wronged him, but that was another matter entirely.

They talked like old friends, as they might have been were it not for Dumbledore, and Takashi couldn't help but sigh.

When had the world gone mad on him? Madder that is.

Probably when he got married... yes, that just about fit.

Author's Note: Yes, I just wrote that. Aren't I amazing? Anyway, hope it wasn't total crap (actually, I do hope it was crap because I was trying to emulate the canon Harry Potter Epilogue without actually having to read it again *shudders*), even if it was short. Off to write the REAL epilogue now!

(1) Not Jii-san (grandfather), but Ji-san (uncle).

(2) Ringo means apple