Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday to me!!! Woot, so, um…yeah…Christmas Special…
Disclaimer: So, last chapter's disclaimer
Chapter 36
Santa Doesn't Like Ninjas
"Merry Christmas everybody!" I cheered, lugging a sack full of presents.
"Merry Christmas, Santa, now go back to the North Pole and die in hell." I pouted and kicked Sasuke's shoulder.
"You're such a scrooge!" I shouted, waking everybody up.
"You're peppy."
"You're a bastard!"
"You're hyper."
"You're a self-absorbed, egotistical duck with a superiority complex!"
"You're a pink wearing ninja." Sakura gave her boyfriend a shove.
"You're a . . . . a . . . YOU'RE SUCH A SASUKE!!!" I screamed, scaring every bird in the proximity.
"A Sasuke? That's the best you can do?" Sasuke propped himself up on one arm and looked at me expectantly.
"That's the worst insult in my dictionary as of now."
"What's so bad about me?"
"You're a scrooge, a bastard, a self-absorbed egotistical duck with a superiority complex AND a inferiority complex, you knocked out the only girl who really cares about you and put her on a bench with nothing to remember you by, you're revenge crazed, you had to be DRAGGED back here, if Naruto didn't drag your sorry ass back, you'd still be stuck with a pedophile who's obsessed with getting your body, you tried to kill your best friend, you stole Asuka's chicken-butt look, walk around with a bare chest, causing several fan girls to screech and kill other people's eardrums, you put everyone in Konoha in endless suffering, you almost got Sakura killed and exiled when she went after you-"
"Sakura went after me?" Said pinkette looked away.
"Yes, she almost left her village so she could be with you! The best thing that ever happened to you was right in front of you, and you left her behind! It's a wonder she still even TALKS to you, let alone DATES you!"
Sasuke was silent. His sister walked up next to me.
"Anyways, before I was so RUDELY interrupted, you want to murder one of the only family members you have left, you put your friends down, let fan girls flirt with you instead of shooting them down like you did Sakura, and worst of all, YOU STILL HAVEN'T GIVEN ME THE CANDY YOU OWE ME!!!"
"There goes my left eardrum," Asuka deadpanned, walking away.
"Hang on! PRESENTS!!!" I cheered. "Here is some stuff from Kakashi-sensei!!!"
I handed out everything to the Konoha people. Because I am the only one mature enough to handle mature stuff like gift-giving.
"What'd he get you Sasuke?" He pulled out an orange rectangular object.
No.
Oh gosh, that perverted little idiot.
Well, big idiot, he's taller than I am.
He got Sasuke an Icha Icha Paradise book.
We just sat there, Kira Misha didn't even make a move to burn it.
Sakura slowly open her present from her sensei, discreetly scooting away from the Uchiha.
I've got to say, Sakura actually got a worse present than the person before her.
A pregnancy test.
And honestly, I would be a little peeved if a perverted ninja was speculating on my sex life. You would too.
Mish looked at the present from her older brother.
"I really would rather not look at my present."
A silent, but mutual agreement passed between the leaf-nin.
After many, many, many gift cards, checks, actual pieces of money and the occasional gift, I whipped out my set of presents.
"For all of you!" I passed them out with a grin plastered on my face.
Asuka eagerly opened her present.
"Aww!!! You got me duct tape!" She thanked me and was amused for the next few hours or so.
"Did you get me some cheap present too?" Kira Misha asked. I raised a single eyebrow and smirked.
"Depends on your definition of cheap." She opened it to find . . .
"Three sets of elastic bands? Wow, this is cheap."
"Well that shady guy on the bad side of town said that they were state of the art and was worth well over 10000 yen, so I got it for, you," I explained.
"Girl, you got ripped off."
"Shut up, I just now realize how stupid that sounded. And open your present." I prodded Sakura with my elbow. She carefully undid the bow (that wasn't even connected to the present, just made and taped on) and opened the box.
"A new medical kit? Wow, thanks, I'll add that to the other ten that people sent me." She said meaningfully.
"Hey, how was I supposed to know that people would go . . . for the most obvious present . . . Sorry, my brain is not currently functioning properly at the moment."
"What brain?" Asuka said out of habit, trying to unstick the duct tape from her scarf. A really awesome looking scarf. FROM. SASUKE. Who knew he of all people would know what a really awesome scarf looked like?
Sasuke opened his present.
"A shirt?"
"That DOESN'T show your chest, therefore, I have just saved eighteen eardrums, I is a good per-" I burst into laughter. "I can't even say it . . . " I said between breaths, waving my hand as if there was something that smelled bad. *coughKARINcough*
For is not a good person.
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After that, I went to the stockings I had set up. And I gasped.
"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I cried.
"What's the problem this time?" Mish asked.
"The-th- pr-presents! Santa- Stocking…no- Santa- presents…stocking…Chili powder!!!" I stuttered.
"The presents are not there and Santa did not fill the stockings. No Santa came to put presents in our stockings and you didn't get the chili powder that you were going to put in Karin's eyes because the genius who said 'if they can't see you, you can't see them' inspired you to blind her?" Asuka knows me too well.
Therefore, she must be eliminated.
Bwaha ha ha.
I nodded rapidly and stuck my head inside my stocking.
"You believe in Santa Claus?" Sasuke asked.
"Well, DUH!!! Who do you think puts the presents in your stocking and eats the milk and cookies?" I retorted defensively.
"The parents."
"Tch, that's ridiculous. It's obviously a fat, old man with an unshaven beard, a red suit trimmed with white fluffies, nine reindeer, a sleigh, an army of elves that make toys and can travel the world in less than twelve hours! I suppose you don't believe in the tooth fairy either!"
"I don't."
Gasp.
"Sasuke! Don't ruin the dreams of innocent little girls!" Sakura scolded.
"I'm not THAT short . . . " I muttered. "And I'm not that innocent either . . . " I am The Mistress of Murder, The Madam of Massacre, The Champ of Killing, The Master of Homicide, Alien of Assassination (No, I'm not human. Deal with it). I'M innocent? I think not!
Well, anyways, aside from the non-believers and empty stockings, I was having a good Christmas.
Oh yeah, I think I'm going to go track down Santa and have a word with him.
I started to walk away from the camp with my things and Ryu when Suigetsu stopped me.
"We're going this way," He pointed in the opposite direction, to the south. I slapped him.
"Ow! What was that for!?!?" He cradled his reddening cheek
"You go look for Itachi, and I'll go look for Santa Claus. Both Sasuke and I have to deal with our people."
"But Electra, we're supposed to baby-sit- I mean, escort Team Hebi!" Asuka exclaimed. Silence fell over the group. The raven-haired girl nudged her sensei.
"Oh yes. We must have every member of the group present while escorting." Kira Misha stated, haltingly and without feeling. Totally bored and unamused.
Karin snorted.
"Let her go look for Santa."
"Maybe we should help her," Jugo suggested.
"Yeah, and maybe after that we should all go and revive Orochimaru so he can murder us all." Karin snapped. She spun on her heel and started to walk away.
"I don't hear you all following me!" She said haughtily.
"Yeah, let's go look for Santa." Sakura tugged Sasuke along by the sleeve. Because who would rather follow KARIN than me? No one. Unless you're a sane, non-ninja. So take that.
Suigetsu, Jugo and my fellow teammates followed me, leaving the red-haired bitch in the middle of the clearing.
"Hey!" She yelled.
She was answered with a middle finger.
She stomped her foot on the ground like people only do on TV.
"HEY!!! WAIT UP!!!"
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"What's taking Sasuke so long?" Itachi asked.
Kisame shrugged as Zetsu materialized out of the ground.
"He's looking for Santa Claus."
" . . . "
" . . . "
"Wow Itachi, your brother is pathetic."
"And foolish. Just like waffles with mayonnaise." Weasel nodded sagely.
"Well, actually, waffles with mayo tastes really good, and it tastes awesome with human corpses," Sir Aloe Vera interjected.
"Really? Can I get your recipe?" Sharkboy asked.
"Oh yeah sure."
"Hang on, let me get a pen and paper."
Rustling.
"Nope, I left my stuff at our badass hideout. Do you have a pen I can borrow, Itachi?"
"Hn. I never thought I'd see the day that I'd witness two Akatsuki members exchanging recipes."
"You have a recipe you'd like to share?" Kisame asked.
" . . . Well, I have been working on this new onigiri recipe that I think you should try."
And THESE are the bad guys that everyone in the five great shinobi nations is scared of.
Man, we ARE pathetic.
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MONTAGE ALERT!!!
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"Are we there yet?" Asuka complained.
"Wait a minute . . . " I instructed, sticking a twig in the ground and measuring the shadow and all that jazz.
"According to the Magical Stick of Doom, we are currently . . . here . . . "
"We made it to the North Pole!?" Mish asked, bouncing hyperly.
"No, here," I said, pointing to a map that had magically appeared out of nowhere. We weren't even fifty meters away from square one.
"This trip is screwy."
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"We're . . . Off to see the Wizard! The wonderful Wizard of Oz! The Wiz, the Wiz, the Wiz, the Wiz, the wonderful wizard because. Because of the wonderful things he does!"
"Do-do-do-do-do do-do!"
"We're off to see the Wizard! The wonderful Wizard of Oz!"
"When will the torture end?"
"When we reach the North Pole, silly!"
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"We're . . . off to see the mental! The mental institute! The mental, mental, mental, mental, mental . . . !!! Institute!!!"
"I thought we were going to the North Pole."
"We are, Red, so shut your trap."
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"Well that was quick, it usually takes someone AT LEAST five montage scenes to reach somewhere far away." I pondered, stroking my fake goatee.
"Really? Wow, it's probably because we're ninjas, and we rock like that." Asuka reasoned.
"Yes, that's probably it."
We made it to the North Pole. And there was no giant workshop in sight.
"Oh." Sakura's mouth dropped.
"My." Sasuke's eyebrow raised.
"Gosh." Suigetsu's eyes were big, round, and white. What happened to his pupils and irises?
"I can't believe we walked all the way here for no freakin' rea-"
I kicked Karin in the shins and grinned wildly.
"SANTA!!!" I screamed. Because, yes, a fat, old man with an unshaven beard, a red suit trimmed with white fluffies, nine reindeer, a sleigh, an army of elves that make toys and can travel the world in less than twelve hours stood before us in all his fat, old man with an unshaven beard, a red suit trimmed with white fluffies, nine reindeer, a sleigh, an army of elves that make toys and can travel the world in less than twelve hours-y glory.
"I told you he was real!" I taunted the sane peoples with the tone of a six-year-old who totally outwitted her teacher.
"Ho! Ho! Ho-" Why is he calling me a ho? That's just not nice. Think about the example he's setting for the children "-Hello Electra! I'm so proud you came all the way here! You know, you're one of the only people your age that still believes in me. And I'm sorry, but you're on the Naughty List for killing all those people!" He said in that oddly annoying, jolly voice.
"But Saaaaaaaantaaaa!!!" I whined. "It comes with being a ninja! I can't help it! That's my job! I have to live y'know!" He patted my head. I flipped him over my shoulder and placed my boot squarely on his fat, flabby belly.
"Ouch! That hurts!"
"IT SHOULD!!! YOU WILL GIVE ME MY PRESENT OR YOU WILL DIE!!!" I yelled.
"No Electra, you must let the red man go! For is Santa!" I reasoned with myself.
"I JUST LOST THE GAME!!!" I screamed.
"Angst . . . Angst . . . Angst . . . " I angested.
"-yawn- I'm tired . . ." I Shikamaru-ed.
"I feels likes DANCIN'!!!" I umm…I dunno, said.
"Sasuke-kun . . . what's happening to Electra-chan?" Sakura whimpered.
"Oh, she's having an Inner battle," Asuka explained.
"Row, row, row you boat, gently down the stream . . . " I hummed.
"THROW YOUR TEACHER OVERBOARD AND LISTEN TO THEM SCREAM!!!" Me.
"Another one?" Mish complained, massaging her temples.
"Yeah, that's why she's screaming like a maniac." Suigetsu took a generous swig of eggnog instead of the usual water.
"Doesn't she do that all the time already?" Jugo asked.
"Yeah, that just shows how many times she has Inner battles." Asuka clarified, because she knows me best.
"Umm . . . just how many Inners does she have?" Sasuke inquired.
"Named and drawn? About thirty. In all? Too many to count."
"Oh. Shit."
"What is it NOW Karin?"
"I think Electra's about to kill Santa."
"Nah, she forgave him, she got her present."
"Is she really that selfish?" Sakura asked.
"Well DUH! That's why we beat up a fat, old man with an unshaven beard, a red suit trimmed with white fluffies, nine reindeer, a sleigh, an army of elves that make toys and can travel the world in less than twelve hours for a present. OH LOOK!!! CANDY!!!" I bounced excitedly.
Asuka ran to the elves and instructed them clearly.
"Okay, lock your doors, turn off the lights, lock your windows, hide in the closet, take your cat with you for protection and don't forget the battery operated radio. Wait a few days until Electra has her sugar crash, then you can come out, but proceed with caution. If the air pressure in the cabin decreases for any reason, peanuts will pop out of nowhere and you will eat them. No, I don't care if you're allergic, you will eat them. And then you have to fold the blanket like this-"
"We got it, panic, right?" A young elf asked. His nametag said: Carl.
"Yes."
Screaming.
Panic.
Pandemonium.
Catastrophe.
Lollipops.
Jolly Ranchers.
Skittles.
Lemon heads.
Oh, this is the best Christmas ever!!!
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"Can we go home now?" Sakura asked, yawning.
"Yeah! Transportation Jutsu!" I poofed away.
"Why didn't why just do that in the first place!?!?!?" Suigetsu complained.
"Because Christmas is about spending time with the ones you more or less love, oh yeah, and in our case, Karin. And the long walk here was good bonding time." I said as I poofed back.
" . . . "
" . . . "
"Y'know what? You're right!"
"I am? I mean . . . I am . . . ? Oh gosh . . . I was right . . . Wait, what am I right about?"
"We all do more or less love everyone here except Karin." Suigetsu agreed.
Well, not to be rude or anything . . . BUT DUH!!!
I handed out Santa hats and teleported away.
I loves my presents.
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BONUS!!!
CHRISTMAS CAROLING!!!
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On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me!
A Ryu on a green Lee!
On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me!
Two ninjas in love! (coughSASUSAKUcough)
And a Ryu on a green Lee!
On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me!
Three thousand yen!
Two ninjas in love!
And a Ryu on a green Lee!
On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me!
Four Naruto nerds!
Three thousand yen!
Two ninjas in love!
And a Ryu on a green Lee!
On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me!
FIVE LETHAL RINGS!!!
Four Naruto nerds!
Three thousand yen!
Two ninjas in love!
And a Ryu on a green Lee!
On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me!
Six genin a-playing!
FIVE LETHAL RINGS!!!
Four Naruto nerds!
Three thousand yen!
Two ninjas in love!
And a Ryu on a green Lee!
On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me!
Seven Swordsmen a-swimming!
Six genin a-playing!
FIVE LETHAL RINGS!!!
Four Naruto nerds!
Three thousand yen!
Two ninjas in love!
And a Ryu on a green Lee!
On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me!
Eight bills Tsunade's bilking!
Seven Swordsmen a-swimming!
Six genin a-playing!
FIVE LETHAL RINGS!!!
Four Naruto nerds!
Three thousand yen!
Two ninjas in love!
And a Ryu on a green Lee!
On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me!
Nine ANBU advancing!
Eight bills Tsunade's bilking!
Seven Swordsmen a-swimming!
Six genin a-playing!
FIVE LETHAL RINGS!!!
Four Naruto nerds!
Three thousand yen!
Two ninjas in love!
And a Ryu on a green Lee!
On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me!
Ten Naras a-sleeping
Nine ANBU advancing!
Eight bills Tsunade's bilking!
Seven Swordsmen a-swimming!
Six genin a-playing!
FIVE LETHAL RINGS!!!
Four Naruto nerds!
Three thousand yen!
Two ninjas in love!
And a Ryu on a green Lee!
On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me!
Eleven medics blood typing!
Ten Naras a-sleeping!
Nine ANBU advancing!
Eight bills Tsunade's bilking!
Seven Swordsmen a-swimming!
Six genin a-playing!
FIVE LETHAL RINGS!!!
Four Naruto nerds!
Three thousand yen!
Two ninjas in love!
And a Ryu on a green Lee!
On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me!
Twelve shinobi succumbing!
Eleven medics blood typing!
Ten Naras a-sleeping!
Nine ANBU advancing!
Eight bills Tsunade's bilking!
Seven Swordsmen a-swimming!
Six genin a-playing!
FIVE LETHAL RINGS!!!
Four Naruto nerds!
Three thousand yen!
Two ninjas in love!
And a Ryu on a green Lee!
AND A RYUUUU . . . ON A GREEN . . . LEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!
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Want another one? Of course you do!
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You know . . . Neji and Tenten and Sai and Shino . . .
Hina and Shika and Saku and Ino . . . But do you recall? The most famous ninja of all?
Sasuke, the red eyed ninja, had very shiny eyes!
And if you ever saw it, you would even say it shines! (like a paper bomb!)
All of the other ninja
used to laugh and call him names (like Hot Stuff!)
They never let poor Sasuke
join in any ninja games (like assassination!)
Then one foggy Christmas eve
Tsunade came to say: (HEY!!! UCHIHA!!!)
"Sasuke with your eyes so bright,
won't you kill Danzo tonight?"
Then how ninja loved him
as they shouted out with glee, (KILL!!! KILL!!!)
Sasuke the red eyed ninja,
you'll go down in history (like Sarutobi-san!)
YOU'LL GO DOWN IN HIS-TOR-YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Should I do another one? Yeah, I guess I shouldn't.
But doesn't mean I won't!
(but it doesn't mean I will either)
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I wish you a Merry Christmas, I wish you a Merry Christmas, I wish you a Merry Christmas and your heart run through with a spear!
Reviews encourage me to write!