**Warning: This chapter contains graphic description of child death.

Chapter 36

"Are you okay?" Owen asked as Ianto looked at the screen, holding Jack's hand, going as pale as he was.

"How old's the baby?" Ianto said after a few moments.

"I'd say about eight weeks," Owen told him.

"Ianto," Jack said as Ianto remained silent. Ianto had cut himself off and he could only just able to get a sense of him.

"I kinda knew. It's obvious now you point out all the symptoms, and I had this feeling. I mean when I see Jack via the link he's glowing."

"Do you need to sit down?" Owen offered. "Can I get you anything?" Ianto nodded and he pulled up a seat and he sat heavily.

"I thought it was impossible," he looked at Jack then at Owen then back at the screen.

"Not as impossible as it seems," Owen repeated his earlier statement to Jack.

"Eight weeks, that fits the time scale of the week of Jack's return," he squeezed Jack's hand.

"Everything is okay so far?" Ianto asked hesitantly.

"I'm going to send everything off to double check, but from what I can see the baby is exactly where it should be," Owen told them.

"Can we tell the sex?" Ianto asked.

"Too early, around 18 weeks is the best time to see," he replied.

"You said earlier there were risks," Ianto said as Jack now sat up. They moved to sit next to each other and grasped each other's hand in support.

"As I explained, Jack tells me there were complications that arose from male pregnancies in his time, what they are I have no idea."

"Complications," Ianto repeated almost to himself.

"All pregnancies carry some risk; all manner of things can go wrong. For Jack we are in unknown territory, right now there are no complications."

"So where do we go from here?" Jack asked when he realised Ianto had gone silent.

"We deal with this one day at a time. This is a high risk pregnancy no argument."

"Are you okay?" Jack asked as Ianto squeezed his hand.

"Yes and no. Part of me is elated. I never thought I would ever have another child and for it to be a part of me and you, well it's like a miracle. I'm having difficulty seeing what's in front of me. I can't tell you how this feels, for me and Jack to have a baby. It's a dream come true… But another part is so scared, if the risks to the baby are so high. I mean how do we deal with that and my head is running with what ifs..." He took a deep breath as Jack kissed his hand.

"I'm not going to gloss over the risks Ianto because they are real. Neither Jack nor I have any idea why male pregnancies failed in his time. All we can do is monitor and deal with things as they arise. Right now Jack has low blood pressure, that we can keep an eye on." Ianto looked concerned then looked at Jack.

"I would be more concerned if his pressure was high. At the moment it's low enough to cause some slight dizziness, and nothing more." He took a breath. "Other than that it's wait and see," Owen admitted.

"I will make sure Jack gets everything he needs." Ianto looked at Jack lovingly.

"What do we tell the others?" Owen asked as he saw the pair just touching foreheads.

"Nothing at this point," Ianto answered for them both. "Jack and I need time to just come to terms with this. Get it straight for us, then as time goes by we can let them know, but not right now. I don't think either of us could handle the normal sort of jubilation that goes with this, if things turn out well we can tell them then… if not it's private." He saw Jack nod in agreement.

"I think we need to go home," Jack said as they both stood and Ianto caught Jack as he lost his balance.

"On the way home you need to put in a bulk order for apple juice," Jack said smiling for the first time since Ianto had burst in.

"Yeah, as much as you need," Ianto said taking his hand as they quietly left.

Owen sat down with a thump as he went over the events of the late morning. Jack was pregnant and the pair of them were treating this like a wake instead of something to be celebrated.

He couldn't understand it. He sat tapping his pen against his lips then he remembered the time he did his obstetrics rotation in training. He recalled one woman, how many children had she lost? Four miscarriages and a still birth... At the time, being young and stupid he had tried get her to put a brave face on it telling her she could always try again. She was furious and told him bluntly about the emotional ups and downs, the terrible cycle of hope and fear.

Even that didn't prepare you for the grief that followed as each child was lost. The hope that this one would make it against the horrible feeling of dread that it wouldn't. He remembered how powerless her words made him he feel at the time. That had been a watershed moment when he realised medical science didn't have all the answers. He had left the rotation a little less gung-ho and a lot wiser. He took a deep breath.

Well he was damned if he was going to sit by and watch this little tragedy unfold without a fight. All he had to do was get that baby to a point it could be born. If the baby was born early then they had to find a way to save it. He made a decision and called Tosh into his office.

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Entering the flat Ianto treated Jack like he was fragile glass, settling him down and putting his feet onto a pillow. Making sure his back was supported, and then poured him an apple juice.

He could feel something was wrong, very wrong, Ianto had not said a word since they had left. He could feel a tremendous amount of love over laid with fear.

"Ianto stop," Jack told him as he fussed about. When he kept moving he got up, placed the juice down and grabbed his hand.

"Please talk me. Tell me what's wrong. I'm just as scared as you are, but you've cut me out and it hurts." He saw that Ianto was shaking and out of control so he placed his forehead against his and sent what calming emotions he could.

"I can't right now Jack, please I need time to come to terms with all this," he stroked Jack's cheek.

"It's a shock," Jack reflected. The way the link was between them, instead of the normal pulsations it was chaotic.

"I think that sums up how I feel. I'm numb. Even after seeing the scan I can't quite believe it," he replied. He put his hand on Jack's tummy. "A part of you and me, growing in you." He felt tears form. "I always thought I could eventually persuade you into us using a surrogate or adopting. I never thought you and me…" he broke off.

"I know. I felt your dreams," Jack told him gently.

"Not that I expected to persuade you, I know your reasons. But I think you would make a wonderful dad," Ianto said barely in control as he took a breath.

"So I was content, accepting that you and me as a couple would always be just us." He took a breath. "To see our baby today on that scanner, it just, it was just..." Ianto chocked

"Please tell he what's going on for you Ianto," Jack asked gently.

"It was a shock. I'll be alright; I just need time sort things out in my head." He repeated his earlier statements.

"You once told me that we should never leave things unsaid that we had to face what we had to," Jack reminded him the argument they had had the day Rihanna had confronted Ianto about his sexuality.

"I know I did," Ianto told him.

"This is more than shock. I can feel it, you've withdrawn and it hurts here," Jack said putting his hand on his chest.

"This is too big, I need time to sort myself out," Ianto told him outright

"Listen I know you have a part of yourself that is hidden, deep within you, you've never shared and I've never pushed. You are terrified Ianto, I can feel it. If I close my eyes I see the link we share growing darker, exposing that hidden part you with every passing second and I am scared for you."

Ianto looked at him and took a breath, looking horrified as he realised he could no longer keep this buried.

"I've kept this hidden away. It's my worst nightmare, and it's the reality I have to live with every day of my life. I've held onto it for so long, it's a part of me."

"I can't help if you close me off, we need to face whatever it is together. Please let me in."

"I don't think I can, my shame, the pain that I feel is too big." Ianto closed his eyes and then opened them, they were full of tears. He felt as Jack reached out to him, giving him as much support as he could.

"This is so big Jack I don't want to burden this on you it's not fair."

"Ianto you know all of my deepest secrets. The shame of handing over those twelve children will haunt me forever. The reasons I never wanted children was because what kind man willingly hands over children to monsters? What possible kind of father could I be, knowing what I had done? But we are now both faced with our nightmares. You helped me so much trust me. Let me help you with yours."

Ianto gulped, looked towards the ceiling, and took a deep breath. Jack held on to his hand, as he felt Ianto's inner struggle. After what seemed an age he felt something give and Ianto began to speak.

"I'll have to start at the beginning. My mum died when I was about six years old. My dad tried but he couldn't cope with me and Rihanna. My mother's sister took Rihanna. She didn't want me because she said she had no time for a boy, so I was put into care. I stayed in group homes and the odd family. It was never for more than six months. I never had a birthday or Christmas due to one thing or another. I was always being moved around. I'm not sure if it was me or was I was just unlucky."

"Once you're sixteen the system kicks you out. So I found myself in this bed and breakfast on my own. Nothing different up until that point I always had been on my own. I couldn't stay on at school even though all the teachers wanted me to because once you turn sixteen you are expected to get a job. I worked in low skill jobs, mostly serving coffee. I managed to keep up at night school and after two hard years I managed to earn a scholarship to get into university." Jack kissed his hand.

"It was there I met Lisa." He stopped, and huge smile grew on his face in remembrance, then paused as he took a breath and continued. "Lisa had an almost as a bad childhood as I had. Hers was deliberate neglect, posh boarding schools. Her father had a new family and wanted nothing to do with her. So he kept her in schools where you could stay year round." Jack saw a tear fall down his face.

"By some chance we were recruited by Torchwood; me for my Masters in Algorithms, her for her research skills." He became quiet. "It was about four months before the wedding we found out she was nine weeks pregnant, a little girl." Tears roll down his face. "We were over the moon; it was incredible we were getting married in four months. Lisa wanted to quit there and then but I persuaded her to stay until we got married. It felt like we had won the lottery, it was like we had found a part of ourselves we never knew was missing. You see, her and I only ever wanted one thing, we wanted a family. We wanted to create for each other the one thing we had never had. Everything was set to go, Lisa was 6 months, showing. I could feel Roslyn under my hand as she turned over in Lisa's tummy, we had pictures scans, tapes..." He stopped then went blank and stopped speaking for several moments when he took a deep breath.

"I was between floors when the attack started. I tried to get to Lisa but it was chaos. I fought my way up each floor, until I came to this room. It was like abattoir, the room was filled with this low groan and the floor slick with blood. I searched every corner, and eventually I found her. Lisa was strapped to this table and..." He took a shuddering breath.

"I tried to get her off there, god I tried but she was strapped down so tight I tore my hands up. Gritting his teeth he pulled his hand into fists as he demonstrated how hard he had tried. "Then, I heard this weak cry close by and looking around I found her." He looked into the distance and spoke without emotion.

"Roslyn was in a bin, thrown away, along with a whole load of other body parts. She was struggling to breathe. I tried to save her, but she died in my hands. There was Lisa, half her brain missing and that precious jewel who had come into our lives, who was so wanted, and those monsters killed them both." He looked up. "They were my life Jack, they were my first thought when I woke up and my last thought when I went to sleep."

"I wrapped her in my jacket just as UNIT soldiers came storming in and tried to take her from me. I wouldn't let her go, that baby was all Lisa and I ever wanted and she had been thrown out like rubbish!" he shouted. "I lost it and next thing I knew I came round a few hours later and they gave me some pills, then sent me home. Instead of a wedding we had a funeral, instead of a family I ended up in a mental hospital for 13 months." He looked up, and took hold of Jack's shoulders. "And this was my fault, if I hadn't persuaded Lisa to stay on they would have been safe at home," he said forcefully. "It's guilt I have carried all this time, my actions caused the only two people I had ever loved to be destroyed."

"Oh Ianto," Jack said. A tear ran down his face as he cupped Jack's face with his hand and rubbed his thumb over his lips.

"Then I met you, at that time I was on a downward spiral. I wouldn't admit it at the time but I revelled in the way you came into the shop and challenged me. You infuriated me and it allowed me to stop focusing on what I'd lost. You are the true reason for my recovery." He took Jack's hand and Jack put his hand on top. "I am terrified if we lose this baby, this miracle, I will really lose it, then I will let you down and our love won't survive and then I will lose you."

Jack cupped Ianto's face in his hands and kissed him. "Ianto you could never let me down and you will never lose me. I love you, this baby is a part of you growing in me, our very love helped create. I make a promise Ianto; we will get through this one day at a time … I know the odds are against us, but we have been so through so much. We made a binding commitment to each other. Maybe this baby will be one of the lucky ones who beat the odds," he said as he sent as much love as he could down the link and Ianto broke into deep sobs into Jack's shoulder.

Jack held Ianto has he cried and released the emotions of his nightmare. Jack knew no words would ever convince Ianto that the events of that day were not his fault. The trauma was too deeply embedded. Rubbing his back Jack recalled the prediction the Tarot girl had made: 'the union of the two lovers will bring an unexpected blessing.' He closed his eyes and prayed this one prediction was true because Ianto needed this child to heal his soul.