Chapter 34: (Skye) Is a Love I Can't Carry Anymore
Author's Note: It is I, returning to ruin your lives.

June 2014

Skye strolled into the common room, past all of the agents shooting dirty looks her way, and right to where her 'friends' were comforting a weeping Jemma on the couch.

Jemma caught sight of Skye and jumped to her feet, rushing to take her hand.

"Oh, there you are. Skye, I'm so sor-"

Skye had Jemma shoved against a wall with a blade to her throat before she could finish speaking.

"I'm not in the mood for your fake apologies. It's my fucking turn to talk."

She could feel dozens of eyes on her and she didn't give a damn. In fact, she hoped they enjoyed the show.

"Skye, what the hell-"

Trip pulled a gun from where he sat at the kitchen island before Hunter could reach for his. "Anyone touches Skye and I'll shoot," he warned.

With a smirk, Skye pressed the blade deeper, until she saw real fear in Jemma's eyes.

"This is what's going to happen. If you, or anyone else, goes near Ward again, I'll kill you," she instructed calmly. "I'm giving you a pass-this time. We're even now," Skye spat.

"What?" Jemma cried as she struggled beneath the weight of Skye's body.

"My boyfriend almost killed yours, you almost killed mine. We're square. Sound good?"

Jemma nodded in fear and Skye stared her down for another few seconds before releasing her violently. She fell to the floor, sobbing loudly, and Skye resisted the urge to roll her eyes.

"That goes for the rest of you too," Skye announced, making sure to look at every single person dead in the eyes.

Once she was sure she'd gotten her point across, she stepped over Jemma and walked right out of the room like nothing had happened.

"My God, she's bleeding," Bobbi cried. "Get me a towel!"

"You lucky as hell she's half Coulson, 'cause May would have killed your ass without question," she heard Trip scold behind her.

Shaking her head, Skye headed back to her room to pack her things. There was no way in hell she was sleeping in the same room as Jemma tonight.

"So, did you do what you needed to do?"

Skye turned to find Hunter crossing his arms in the hallway behind her.

"They're all scared of me now, right?"

"They'd better be. Even I'm a little scared."

"Good," she smirked.

"Skye," he began with a sigh.

"Keep Jemma away from Ward and we won't have a problem."

Realizing she was serious, he turned to leave.

"Hunter!" She called, waiting until he glanced back at her to speak again.

"I forgot to thank you."

"For what?"

"For saving his life," she said, her voice close to cracking. "You have your own reasons for wanting him dead. You could have just let him die."

"Yeah, well, I don't kill unless it's a direct order," he shrugged. "Or there's money involved," he added with a wink before heading back towards the others.

Skye rolled her eyes with a small smile.

Idiot.

"Hey there, killer," Trip called, failing to hide his amusement.

Resisting the urge to roll her eyes, Skye shoved another shirt into her duffle bag before shooting a glare in his direction.

Trip stood leaned against the doorframe, arms crossed, and a shit-eating grin on his face.

"We going on a vacation?"

"We're not going anywhere," she huffed.

"So why the packing?"

"Do you seriously need to ask?" She muttered in annoyance as she struggled to get the zipper closed.

Trip sighed. "Skye, as cute as your foray into murder theatre was, I think moving out is a little extreme."

"I refuse to share a room with the woman who tried to kill my little bean's dad," Skye snapped irritably as she threw her bag over her shoulder and kicked her bottom drawer closed. "Who knows when she'll decide it needs to go too," she said, giving her middle a protective pat before heading for the door.

"Calm down there, mama bear," Trip said as he grabbed her by the shoulders and led her towards her bed. "You and I both know that Jemma would never do anything like that."

"She already did," Skye growled, not happy that he was treating her like a child.

"Okay, fine," he replied calmly, helping her onto her bed and taking her bag before moving to his knees so he could meet her eyes. "Jemma crossed a line, I get that. But Skye, she would never hurt you, or that baby."

"She already has," Skye whispered angrily, hating that she was close to tears. "And if she ever goes near him again, I will kill her."

"I don't doubt that for a minute."

"Good. Now can I go?"

Trip raised one eyebrow. "Go where, exactly? The last time I checked, you're still a wanted fugitive."

"He has a point," a quiet, terrified voice called from the doorway.

It took every ounce of self-restraint Skye possessed not to throw something right at Jemma's face.

"I'm going to stay with my mom," Skye answered Trip, ignoring Jemma. "Aside from you, she's the only person I still trust." Her eyes moved to Jemma, and if looks could kill, Jemma would be on the ground.

Jemma stammered for a moment. "I know you're angry, Skye, and you have every right to be, but don't you think this is a bit of an overreaction?"

"Overreaction?" Skye snapped, jumping to her feet. "You tried to kill the father of my child!" Skye spat, getting right in Jemma's face. "If you think for one second that I would even turn my back to you, let alone be stuck sharing a room with you, then you're even stupider than I thought."

"Skye, I said I was sorry!" Jemma sobbed.

"And you think that fixes everything?" Skye yelled.

"You threatened to kill me! I think we're even."

Skye chuckled and shook her head as her entire body went cold with rage.

"Do not think for even a second that we're even," Skye said slowly, backing Jemma up against the wall. "That was to let everyone know that Ward is off limits. That had nothing to do with you.

Let's get one thing square between us. I don't trust you. I will never trust you. I don't even want to look at you, let alone breathe the same air as you.

And don't you dare think there is any way in hell I'm going to let you anywhere near this baby, even while she's in the womb. Because I don't trust that you won't try to kill her too."

"Skye," Jemma sobbed, reaching for her but Skye stepped back, disgusted.

"Ward may be a monster, but at least he never made excuses for what he is."

Skye threw her bag over her shoulder and headed for the door, pausing to take one last look at Jemma.

"You're so much worse than he is," Skye whispered before walking away.

"I don't need therapy," Skye insisted, not looking up from the code she was working on.

"Baby girl, please," Coulson pleaded. "You've been through a trauma. You're not handling it well-"

"I'm coping just fine."

"No, you're not," he argued. "You're not sleeping, you're barely eating-"

"That's the morning sickness," she lied.

"You're still not speaking to your best friend," he continued, ignoring her.

"I speak to Trip every day," she replied.

"Jemma's already sleeping better after just one session with Andrew. Just give it a try."

Skye scowled at the mention of her.

"I don't give a damn about-Wait, Andrew?"

Hadn't her grandmother mentioned her mom had almost married an Andrew? There was no way in hell they'd bring her mom's ex here to be her shrink, right?

Coulson realized he'd fucked up, but it was too late now-She knew.

"Did…was mom engaged to someone else before you?"

She could feel he wanted to lie but something on her face must have reminded him he'd done enough lying because he let out a long sigh.

"No. Your mom and I got together not long after we began at The Academy," he whispered in defeat.

Skye wasn't an idiot. She knew what that meant.

"So that's why she stopped looking for me."

"Skye, that's not what happened-"

"Of course, it is," she replied numbly, her fingers frozen over the computer keys.

She had deluded herself into thinking that whatever had happened in Bahrain had destroyed her mother to the point that she'd finally accepted her child's death. But the truth was she'd started a new life, one with a new man and a new family. She'd stopped looking because she didn't need her anymore.

"Sweetheart," Coulson began but Skye ignored him.

She stood and shoved past him, battling the tears that threatened to flood out.

"Was he worth it?" Skye called angrily as she slammed the door to Coulson's office behind her.

Her mom glanced up from the map she was making notes on with a frown.

"Skye, if this is about Ward, it meant nothing."

She scoffed in disgust. "Not him. Andrew. Was he worth leaving me out there on my own? Living on the streets? Out of a damn van?"

"I'm going to kill your father," she sighed, rubbing her temples.

"Don't blame dad for this. Did you really think you could bring him here and I wouldn't figure it out? I'm not an idiot, mother."

"Skye, that was a long time ago-"

"Right around the time you stopped looking for me, I'm guessing."

Melinda shot her a pained look. "That's not what happened."

"No? Enlighten me then."

"I met Andrew because Nick forced me to see a therapist. He was one of SHIELD's shrinks on staff and I was there trying to deal with losing you. Everyone thought I was crazy for not giving up hope and-" She paused, unable to find the words.

"He made you agree with them."

Melinda closed her eyes but that didn't hide the shame written all over her face.

"How could you move on?"

"I thought you were dead, Skye!"

"No, you didn't! You kept looking!"

"Because I was broken and paranoid and-"

"Right!" Skye screamed. "You were right! I was out there, looking for you, but you gave up on me!"

"I had to, Skye! It was killing me!"

All the lonely nights when she'd barely gotten through the day flashed through her mind.

"Yeah, well I was literally dying out there. Days without shelter or food…Until I got that van. And even then, I was always on guard, terrified someone would break in and kill me, or worse."

"I'm so sorry," Melinda whispered, standing to take Skye's face in her hands. "I can never make that up to you, Skye, but I didn't know you were out there."

"You knew."

"No, I needed to believe you were out there, because it was better than accepting the fact that you were gone.

I remember holding you in my arms and you weren't breathing…" Tears spilled from her eyes. "Crib death is what they called it back then…They took you from me at the hospital before pumping me full of drugs and when I woke up, they said you were dead, and I was never okay after that.

I was never able to accept you were gone and it led me down some dark paths…I only got close to Andrew because he made me feel like I wasn't crazy. He genuinely wanted to help me get better. And yes, Skye, he got me to stop looking, because he helped me finally accept that I'd lost you.

But I never stopped loving you. Or wishing you'd show up at my doorstep.

All I ever wanted was to get you back.

And I'm sorry, Skye," she whispered. "I will never forgive myself for not finding you sooner."

Skye wiped away her own tears and stared down at the ground, trying not to lose it.

"I'm not seeing him. I can't. I already hate him."

"It's okay," Melinda whispered, pulling Skye into her arms. "You don't have to do anything," she insisted, stroking Skye's hair.

"I love you, mom."

"I love you too, angel. You have no idea how much."

Skye felt a flutter in her belly. "I think I might," she admitted. She was already willing to die for a baby she hadn't even met yet. That was true love. The same love she knew her own mother felt for her.

Melinda kissed her temple and held her tighter.

"I promise you, I'll never give up on you."

Skye hugged her back. That was all she'd needed to hear.

"You convinced me I was delusional!"

Skye was at one end of the hallway, but she could hear her mother's screaming loud and clear.

"Told me I wasn't processing my grief and that I was making up stories, so I wouldn't have to admit my daughter had died! That I felt guilty and I blamed myself and that I had PTSD!"

"Melinda, I'm sorry," Skye heard a man say as she lingered outside of the room.

"Oh, you're 'sorry'?" She screeched. "My little girl was out there all alone and you're the reason I stopped looking! You were supposed to help me!"

"Calm down, Melinda-"

"Oh, don't you dare tell me to 'calm down'-"

"Eavesdropping is a terrible habit."

Skye rolled her eyes.

"I'm just being a good spy, dad."

Coulson wrapped one arm around her, turning her away from the door, but before he could lead her away, they could hear something breaking and Skye knew her mom was losing it on Andrew.

Good. He deserved it.

"You're not coming anywhere near her!" She warned on her way out.

"And you!" She snapped upon spotting Coulson. "As if I would let him be her therapist. What were you thinking?"

"That we can trust him! Like it or not, he's one of the few allies we have."

The look she gave him would have terrified any other man, but Phil Coulson was used to his ex-wife's rage.

"This isn't an option. I'm putting my foot down as the Director. Her first session is tomorrow."

"You don't want to do this, Phillip," she warned.

Skye looked between them, sensing whatever momentary truce they'd called when she'd found them in bed together was now over.

"It's already done, Melinda."

"So, that's everything, huh?" Skye whispered, staring down into her empty ice cream pint before meeting her mom's eyes. They'd spent the last few hours filling each other in on all of the things the other didn't know yet, including how she'd been brought into this world.

"What else do you want to know?" May offered, reaching for Skye's hand.

"Nothing, I guess," she sighed. "I just hate all of this," she admitted. "It isn't fair. None of this is…" She shook her head. "My entire life has been so fucked up."

"I'm so sorry."

"Don't be," Skye insisted, giving her mom a small smile. "None of this was your fault. It's his."

"I'm still sorry."

"I know."

Skye ran a hand over the barely visible bump under her sweater.

"Do you think she's going to hate me?"

"Baby girl, why would she hate you?"

Skye met her eyes with tears in her own. "For sending her dad away?"

"Oh baby," May whispered, wrapping her arms around Skye. "You're doing what you think is right. She'll see that, someday."

Skye hugged her mom back, burying her face in her neck as she fought back tears.

She didn't want any of this. She didn't want to send him away. But if she didn't, he'd be in danger. And even though she didn't trust him to be a father, she couldn't let him die.

She still loved him too much for that.

July 2014

"You know, your mother will have a fit if she finds you here, Margaret."

Skye kept her hand against the door, where it had been for the last ten minutes while she worked up the nerve to walk away. She knew better than to be here. If she saw him, she would never be able to go through with this. And as much as she wanted to see him, to be selfish for once, she'd be putting him and this baby in danger if he stayed.

"So let her," Skye whispered, still frozen in place.

Maybe we can go away, she thought. Leave all of this behind. Find a way to be happy.

Lian placed a hand on Skye's shoulder and Skye took a moment to compose herself before looking back at her. It was useless, of course. Her eyes had been red for days. After she and her mom moved back onto the bus, all Skye had done was cry.

No matter how strong she pretended to be in front of everyone else, when she was locked in his old bunk, clutching his pillow, all she could do was despair over the fact that any day now she was going to lose him forever.

She hated him for doing this to them. To her. But she couldn't stop loving him.

Damn him.

"Come, dear. The boy will still be there in the morning."

"I don't want to go," Skye whispered. "I don't feel like a party."

It was her birthday, a fact that she was reminded of when her father had decided to burst onto the bus at midnight to bring her an entire sheet cake. Sure, she'd eaten most of it on her own, but that was because the baby wanted it, not her.

She'd never celebrated her birthday before, and she didn't feel like starting now.

"Then don't go."

Lian led her away from Ward's door, looking Skye over as they walked.

"When was the last time you slept?"

Skye shrugged. Between the morning sickness, being angry with Jemma, wanting to kill and kiss Ward, and their baby making her need to pee every five minutes, sleep was hard to come by.

Lian 'tsked' in disapproval as she reached up to run a hand through Skye's tangled hair.

"Don't worry, sweet girl, your grandmother will get you feeling like yourself soon."

"I hate him," Skye muttered, her eyes filled with tears.

Melinda ran a hand through her hair and kissed her temple. "Do you regret not saying goodbye?"

"No," she lied, clutching his stuffed dog to her chest.

"Baby girl," Melinda sighed, pulling her closer.

"I wish I could be strong like you," Skye cried, pressing her face against Melinda's shirt.

Melinda chuckled. "My sweet girl, you're so much stronger than you know. You'll get through this."

August 2014

But she wasn't. It had been a month and every day she felt closer to breaking.

She hated to admit it, but maybe Andrew was right, and she was headed for a full-blown breakdown.

"Skye, how long does it take to grab bandag-Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, Jemma," Skye lied, turning her back to her so she could pretend she was gathering supplies instead of sobbing in about her criminal boyfriend in a closet.

"No, you're not. You've been crying," Jemma whispered softly, placing a hand on her shoulder. "What's wrong? You know you can tell me anything."

"I'm twenty weeks pregnant, Jemma," she sighed, wiping at her face with the sleeve of one of Ward's sweaters (which were the only things that fit her anymore).

Jemma glanced at her, clearly wanting to push, but since they'd made-up she'd been hesitant to smother her like before and Skye liked it that way.

"I'm fine, Jemma," she insisted, walking past her.

Jemma sighed, following her down the hall.

"Okay, but if you're ever not fine, you'll come to me?"

Skye rolled her eyes. "I already have a mother, Jemma -I don't need another."

"I just," Jemma reached out and grabbed hold of her arm. "I know you're still angry with me, and I don't blame you, but I just…Skye, I hate that you don't trust me anymore. I just want us to be okay."

"Jem," Skye said, meeting her eyes. "We're okay. I just don't feel like crying to you every time my hormones make me cry. This morning it was because I didn't have a matching pair of socks. At lunch it was because the bread on my sandwich wasn't toasted enough. I'm a pregnant basket case. I promise, when it's something real, you'll be the third person I cry to," she teased with a small smile.

A frown formed on Jemma's lips. "That's not funny."

"It's a little funny," Skye teased with a wink before walking away.

"I wish you'd just admit what's really wrong!" Jemma cried, her tear-stained face as red as a beet.

"There is nothing wrong, Jemma!" She was getting sick of this. Jemma was trying too hard and pushing all of the wrong buttons. What did she want her to do? Go back to not speaking to her so she could wallow in her guilt?

"I know you miss him!" Jemma called when Skye turned her back to her. "And you won't talk to me about it because of what I did. But Skye, you need to talk to someone. Your mom, Trip, Andrew. Anyone. You're not coping, Skye. Pretending to hate him isn't going to fix that hole in your heart."

"Two months of therapy and she thinks she's a therapist," Skye scoffed, shaking her head.

Jemma ran a hand over her face in frustration.

"You need help, Skye."

"No, what I need is for you to get off my dick about this."

"Fine. Then let's talk about how you still don't trust me."

"Jemma," Skye groaned, sick of this shit. "How many times do I have to tell you that I forgive you before you believe it?"

"I'll believe it when we're us again. We used to tell each other everything and now all you do is shut me out. I just wish you'd talk to me about what you're feeling instead of bottling it all up."

The vein in Skye's temple began to throb. She couldn't handle Jemma's fragile ego on top of all the other shit she had to juggle these days.

"I'm not shutting you out, Jemma. I just…What's the point?" It wasn't just Jemma she'd shut out. She'd put up a wall surrounding all of her feelings about Ward and going through this pregnancy alone and knowing she was going to be a single mom. It was easier this way. Easier to hate him. Why couldn't Jemma get that through her head? Wasn't she supposed to be a damn genius?

Taking her hand, Jemma looked Skye in the eyes. "The point is that you're my best friend and you're in pain and I know I can't fix it, but I can listen."

That was Jemma's problem, she had this need to fix everyone. And since there was no fixing Fitz, Skye was her new target.

"Jemma, I don't want to talk. I just want to get on with my life."

"Ignoring it isn't going to help."

"Neither is talking to you about the man I love when you're the reason I had to send him away!" Skye snapped. A second later, when the pregnancy rage passed, her stomach fell.

"Jem, I didn't mean that."

She took a step back, staring at Skye like she'd just stabbed her in the heart.

"What do you mean I'm the reason you sent him away?"

"Nothing, Jemma. It's the hormones."

"You…You really think I'd try to kill him again?"

"No," Skye insisted. "You are not the reason I sent him away. Okay? You just made me realize it's what was best for him."

"What in the hell does that mean?"

"Jem, you loved Ward too. And if you were capable of doing that to him…Jemma, it was only a matter of time before someone tried to kill him. And as angry as I still am with him about everything, I could never let that happen to him." She ran a hand over her bump protectively. "He's still her dad. I had to keep him safe and after what he did to you and Fitz…He deserves to be in prison, Jemma.

And yes, I will always love him, but I also hate him so much. And that isn't me forcing myself to hate him to get over how hard it is to lose him. I genuinely despise him. And myself. Because even though I know what he is now, a part of me still wants him here with us.

Please don't cry," Skye pleaded as Jemma hiccupped back sobs.

"Everything is terrible!" Jemma wailed, covering her face.

Skye couldn't help it-she laughed.

"This isn't funny!"

"What else am I supposed to do?

You're right. Everything is horrible! And I'm so sick of crying."

"Those pregnancy hormones are really kicking in, aren't they?" Jemma sniffled, still hiccupping.

Skye shrugged. "I guess she has a sense of humor."

"This is insane," Skye hissed, doing her best to chase after Jemma.

"You're not talking me out of this."

"Someone needs to! You're going to get yourself killed!"

Skye ignored the looks being sent their way as she finally caught up to Jemma outside the base doors and grabbed her arm, forcing her to meet her eyes.

"Don't do this because of me."

Jemma rolled her eyes as the hangar doors closed behind them, giving them privacy.

"Contrary to popular belief, Skye, not everything is about you."

"Then why are you being so stupid?"

"I am not-"

"Going to work for Hydra is the stupidest fucking thing anyone could do."

Jemma sighed. "The Director needs someone on the inside-"

"So, it has to be you?"

"They recruited me, remember? I am one of the most sought-after scientists in the world, Skye. It's not crazy to take advantage of that."

Skye rubbed her temples to keep from snapping.

"Have you forgotten that you are literally the worst liar in the world? How are you supposed to pull this off?"

"I've been practicing," she insisted.

"Oh yes, 'practicing'," Skye mocked.

"I can do this."

"Why would you want to?"

"For Fitz!" Jemma snapped.

Skye crossed her arms, confused. "How is this going to help Fitz?"

"Look," she sighed. "As much as I hate to admit it, because everything they do is for nefarious reasons, Hydra does have far more technological advancements when it comes to the mind-"

"Yeah, because they use mind control."

Jemma ignored her. "They may have a way for us to bring Fitz back."

"And if they don't?"

"Then it's still worth the risk to try.

If it were Grant, wouldn't you do the same?"

Skye narrowed her eyes angrily. She'd told Jemma her fear that he'd been brainwashed in a moment of weakness and guilt, not for her to throw it back in her face.

"I'm sorry, Skye, but I have to do this."

"Everyone is going to hate you."

"Good. Then that means my cover is working. No one can know why I'm leaving."

"Not even Hunter?"

Jemma's face fell. "He'll get over it when I come home."

"If you come home."

Jemma wrapped her arms around Skye, giving her a quick, but firm, hug. "I promise, I'll be fine."

"You're such a bad liar."