"Fuck," Octavia cursed as she felt Raven kissing alongside her jaw line. She was turned on, really turned on, which was nice considering she was still on the edge on how she felt sexuality wise. She smiled a little when she felt Raven grin against her skin. Raven raked her fingers across Octavia's thighs but the girl stopped her from going any further.
"I don't think- I'm-" Octavia stuttered nervously as she tried to explain she wasn't ready. Raven gazed up at her and smiled comfortingly. She brushed some of Octavia's hair behind her ear and kissed her nose.
"Tell me what is okay and what isn't." Raven stated. "The last thing I want to do is make you feel uncomfortable." In truth, Raven was so happy Octavia was even feeling anything remotely to what she felt. She would wait forever. She didn't care that much about sex, not when it came to Octavia. Raven never thought Octavia would actually feel similarly. Or at least she hoped she did.
Octavia noticed the brunette was deep in thought and raised Raven's chin so the girl would watch her.
"Hey, you don't make me feel uncomfortable." She stated genuinely. Raven nodded and gave her a tight smile. Octavia had known Raven for a long time and knew that smile. It's the smile she gave when she didn't want to talk about something. It's the smile she would give when they would talk about Finn, and Octavia would try to comfort her but it wouldn't work. It was the unconvinced smile.
"Do you believe me?" She asked Raven.
"Yeah," Raven replied.
"But?" Octavia voiced.
"But," Raven sighed looking down. "I guess I'm afraid too," She never voiced that before. She soothed Octavia's fears a few weeks back when they finally got 'together'?
Octavia cocked her head to the side and nodded solemnly.
"I know I'm attracted to you. I know that I love you," Raven's breath hitched. "I do," Octavia uttered. "I'm just not too sure where I fit in on the spectrum and how ready I am to explore 'everything'" She stated insinuating sex again.
"We don't have to do that. Not until you're ready."
"I just always kind of thought vagina's weren't all that you know?" Octavia stated unsurely. She hated that. She didn't want to reduce anyone to their genitals, but she couldn't help it. It made her feel uncomfortable. She knew what to do with a penis. She had done it before. A vagina, though- well, she didn't know how to do that. She had never considered it before. That alone made her feel uncomfortable.
"Have you tried imagining yourself touching someone with a vagina?" Raven asked, and Octavia nodded. Raven shared Octavia's fears of eventually being rejected. She didn't want to tell Octavia that. She wanted to make her feel comfortable.
"I've been reading a lot of smut, and I like that. It turns me on." Octavia stated then blushed. Imagination wasn't the same as reality, however. She needed to work her way up to that if she ever could.
"Yeah?" Raven's tone sounded teasing. Octavia chuckled.
"Yes," She smirks. "Stop picturing me reading lesbian smut." Octavia shoved Raven playfully. Raven laughed and hugged her tightly.
"Sorry," She muttered against Octavia's sweater. "I can't help it," She added.
"Pervert," Octavia joked. As silence idled around them Octavia's mood grew more rigid. "I just need a little time to get used to the idea. I've always understood my sexuality to be completely dependent on genitals." She explained. Raven nodded. It hurt a little but she knew where Octavia was coming from. She wasn't writing it off entirely, she just needed an adjustment period, which was acceptable.
"I like boobs, though, and ass. Boobs and ass, I have no problem with." Octavia blurted out which made Raven cackle.
"Really, well then," She wiggled her eyebrows, and Octavia rolled her eyes. Octavia climbed off Raven's lap and turned around. She found Raven's eyes on her ass.
"What? Boobs and ass right?" Raven stated playfully as she got up from the bed too.
"Let's go have breakfast, alright?" Octavia suggested.
"So are they back together?" Althea asked Octavia and Raven as they sat down at the breakfast table. Octavia looked at Raven and shared a pointed look.
"I'm not entirely sure," Octavia answered with a shrug.
"They seemed together the other night when I caught them making out before our rehearsal," Althea said as she took a bit from her pancake. "It was quite amusing to interrupt them." She grinned. Murphy came into the dining hall, and her eyes followed him.
"That boy has got some-" She bit her lip and shook her head.
"I cannot believe you have a thing for Murphy," Raven stated.
"It's quite the mutual thing Reyes," Althea countered as she got up to follow Murphy. Then her eyesight moved towards the happy couple she had just mentioned before. "Speak of the devils." She said bobbing her chin.
"Good morning ladies." Althea winked just as she left the table. Clarke furrowed her brows as she watched the brunette leave.
"She seems in a happy mood?"
"Well, she's just boasting that she caught you two at it." Raven piped, and Octavia scowled at her. Raven pouted which sparked a desire in Octavia to find those lips and claim them.
"Right," Clarke scratched the back of her neck. She looked at Lexa and grinned, "Well, totally worth it." She said before she pecked Lexa's lips. Then she rested her chin in her hands and looked at Lexa with watering eyes.
"Why are you doing that?" Lexa asked. She started feeling uncomfortable because Clarke' lips formed into a small pout and her eyes grew rawer. "What?" She questioned with a little more reverberation in her voice. Clarke breathed in dramatically and closed her eyes, this time, the pout forming significantly. She even yammered a little.
"Clarke!" Lexa said now sounding partially annoyed and partially distressed.
"Can you get me pancakes?" The blonde peeked one eye open.
"Oh my God. Did you really just do all that for me to-" Lexa did not sound impressed.
"Well... is it working?" Clarke asked as she overdramatised the same face.
"Clarke!" Lexa squealed. She didn't like the way that face was making her feel. Her instincts were telling her to do anything to keep Clarke from looking like that. She looked so sad and helpless.
"But I really want pancakes."
"Alright, I'll get them for you-" Lexa stuttered, "You've got to stop making that face, though." Lexa whimpered.
"But no pancakes," Clarke muttered still looking at Lexa with puppy eyes. Lexa stood up sharply.
"Just stop making that face." Lexa yelped. Clarke chuckled and aggravated Lexa. "You're lucky you're cute," She said before pecking Clarke's lips and getting the blonde pancakes. Clarke simpered as she followed Lexa lining up. Her eyes did not leave her until she heard Raven's voice.
"You two are gross, "She redirected her eyes towards her friends.
"You two can talk." Clarke snorted, but Octavia's face fell as she looked around anxiously. "I mean-" Clarke bit her tongue. They weren't out.
"So are you two together now? The school is buzzing with gossip." Octavia asked immediately wanted to move on from the subject. Clarke bit the inside of her cheek nervously.
"We haven't said that officially in so many words, but yeah basically," Clarke said. She sounded nervous.
"Seriously Clarke? Seriously?" Raven was laughing, "Even Octavia and I have established-" Octavia jabbed Raven in the ribs. Seriously both of them today. They should know better. Just on cue, Bellamy sat at their table and Raven gave Octavia a remorseful look.
"What's going on?" Bellamy asked.
"Well, Lexa and Clarke have still not really, not officially defined their relationship. How long has this been going on dude? Damn, just grow some ovaries and ask her to be with you." Raven explained.
"I did that once if you remember." Clarke muttered, "It didn't work out too well,"
"You asked her to be with you? I thought you only stated your feelings?" Raven drew her eyebrows together.
"Well, yeah but I was getting to that part," Clarke argued though she knew she had already lost that discussion. She had indeed never asked Lexa and was simply making excuses. "Well, why does it have to be me?" Clarke questioned petulantly which caused Raven to roll her eyes.
"Clarke has a point. If Lexa wanted to be with her, they would be together right now." Bellamy muttered, but Raven scowled at him. He knew those words would affect Clarke. She was a walking ball of insecurity.
"Don't listen to him. Grow some ovaries," Raven said looking back at Clarke.
"You've said that." Clarke bit back.
"Well, it bears repeating." Raven snarked.
"What bears repeating?" Lexa asked as she presented Clarke with a plate full of pancakes. Clarke threw herself on those pancakes. "Wow, easy babe." She chuckled. Octavia watched Bellamy's face grow uncomfortable for a slight moment until it returned back to normal.
Clarke sat in Lexa's room with Lexa as they were watching 'Stranger things'. She was leaning her head on Lexa's shoulder but couldn't focus on the series. It was one of the best series she had seen in years but Bellamy's words stuck to her like tar. She hated that he could stir up her feelings. Anyone could at this point. She knew Lexa wanted to be with her. Hell, Lexa was with her. Sometimes she felt so confident, she knew nothing could shake her, but there were still moments where she felt insecure. It wasn't like the feeling was new. She had felt insecure about their status since their first date. It came and it went. It was sticking around now, however, because other people had started asking questions and she felt embarrassed. She felt like she wasn't confident enough to give them a good answer, one that she would be proud of. She looked up at Lexa and knew she wouldn't play her like that. Not again.
Lexa was feeling Clarke's eyes burning into her cheek and looked down as she smiled.
"You okay?" She asked as her hand was still tracing Clarke's side absent-mindedly.
"Are we together?" Clarke asked abruptly. Lexa blinked and hit the space bar to pause the series. Clarke sat up and looked at the brunette with penetrating eyes. "Are we?"
"I want to be with you. You know that right?" Lexa stated. Clarke's fear grew.
"But?" She asked. It was like she was waiting for the other shoe to drop and this was it. She was hearing Bellamy's voice in her head.
"But nothing," Lexa brought her back. She felt slender fingers tuck under her chin. "I just didn't want to rush you. I need you to trust me." Lexa explained.
"I do," Clarke urged, and Lexa smiled pitifully.
"Then why did you have a slight freak out just now?"
"Because this whole limbo thing is making me insecure." Clarke snapped a little. Lexa's throat bobbed.
"Okay, then we stop that," Lexa said genuinely.
"Okay?" Clarke echoed which made Lexa smile.
"Honey, I didn't want to push you. I thought that's what you wanted. I've wanted you to be mine for a while, but I thought we agreed that there was still some trust issues to work out?" She stated rationally but Clarke growled under her breath.
"Yes, I know, but I do trust you. I trust you to tell me the truth, to be forthcoming with me. My self-esteem issues and my insecurities though aren't going to disappear in a fortnight." She explained. Lexa smirked at Clark's choice of words.
"I don't want you to wait for me to ask you. I want you to tell me the things you want, especially if they're about me." Clarke knew she sounded a little childish. "It would make me feel less insecure if I don't have to guess how you feel and what you want."
"Okay," Lexa said seriously. "I want to be with you." She said without stuttering and looked Clarke right in the eyes. "I want you to be my girlfriend. I want us to be together. And I want to tell you stuff about my past." Lexa revealed. Clarke leaned back. It never occurred to her that that might be one of the things that was keeping Lexa from being with her.
"Wait," Clarke breathed. "When you say we need to work out trust issues, are you referring to the ones we have or the ones you think we will have?" Clarke hit the nail on the head. Lexa's eyes widened.
"Are you afraid of telling me about your past because you think I'll react badly and create more issues between us?" Clarke asked her.
"Yes," She admitted. She bit her lip. "I've been trying to find a right time. A part of me wanted to tell you before we got together officially so-" Lexa looked down.
"So it would hurt less if what you say would be a deal breaker." Clarke finished Lexa's sentence. It surprised Lexa that Clarke was so insightful. Then again it did not surprise her at all. The blonde could read people almost as well as Lexa could. Clarke sighed.
"Remember how much you need to tell me you're not leaving?" Clarke asked and Lexa nodded in return. "Well, how about I give some of that back?" She suggested but confused Lexa.
"I'm not going anywhere. There's nothing you can tell me that will make me turn my back on you." Clarke stated determinedly. "I promise," she added.
"You haven't heard the story, though," Lexa muttered.
"I don't need to, to be sure I won't." Clarke stood her ground and Lexa nodded. Clarke leaned forward and captured Lexa's lips. "You won't get rid of me that easily." She smiled lightly and gave Lexa courage. Lexa was opening her mouth hoping to find the words, but she was drawing a blank. Where would she even start?
"Lex, I didn't mean for you to tell me now. Tell me when you're ready." Clarke stated softly.
"I am, though. Or maybe I'll never be. I'll always be scared to tell you and it'll always be hard to revisit this time of my life. I've never found a good moment to tell you. It's not like it's related to anything here." Lexa mumbled. Clarke nodded encouragingly and placed Lexa's legs on her lap. She was massaging them.
"Would questions help?" Clarke asked. Lexa shook her head.
"It's a kind of story I just want to have out at once. Besides, I don't think you would know what to ask." Clarke's hands were running over Lexa's knees. Lexa breathed.
"You know when I say I had to grow up at fourteen?" Lexa asked Clarke and the blonde nodded. "I wasn't just 'working' to get money. I was hustling." Clarke frowned she didn't know what that meant.
"It means I was doing illegal stuff. Mostly drugs and gang related. We would sell to other communities. We would import it and distribute it. I made it a condition that no one in my community was allowed to use." Lexa explained. Clarke's eyes were attentively glued to her.
"And I'm kind of skipping over parts here." Lexa sighed. The sigh turned into a frustrated groan.
"Hey, it's okay if it's jumbled." Clarke sounded soft. She looked soft. It soothed Lexa's anxious heart.
"There were gangs that were fighting, for years. Our community was shut down or neglected if you will by the government. We didn't have people picking up our garbage. Electricity would barely work. Our water was poisonous." Lexa's voice wavered. "The police wouldn't come into our neighborhood anymore because it was too dangerous." Lexa sounded angry now. "Cowards." She spat.
"So I needed to do something. People were dying every day. I already had authority because I was good at the drugs game. People listened to me. So eventually I tried to get the gangs to stop fighting. And I did!" Lexa's breath was erratic. "It took everything from me." She whimpered.
"Costia." Clarke breathed. Lexa only had to look at Clarke to confirm.
"I managed to get them all safe under me. It was working. We were getting along and getting money for the community. We had people of the community working for it. We were self-sustainable because of those drugs and our 'gang.'We held our own in conflicts with other neighborhoods." Lexa said rationally.
"I'm a pretty good shot." This shocked Clarke and Lexa noticed. "I mean-"
"No, don't stop," Clarke stated.
"Clarke,"
"Did you ever kill anyone?" Clarke asked, and Lexa looked down. There was a sharp intake of breath on Clarke's side.
"When Costia died. And then one other time. I don't aim to kill unless it's in self-defense." She defended and Clarke nodded. It was still hard to hear. She looked at the brunette and found it so hard to reconcile the soft version of Lexa she knew, the one that wouldn't harm a fly with the one that hurt others.
"Did you ever order it?" Clarke asked, and Lexa's shameful pose answered that question.
"Indirectly," She muttered. "I didn't want people to die, but some did as a result of what I commanded, or what I did." Lexa looked up and winced when she reached Clarke's eyes. "Clarke, I needed to protect my people. I don't know why, but they looked at me for leadership. I was only fourteen, sixteen when they all looked at me for that. I never wanted to hurt anyone or to do anything like that, but when my people are in danger-" Lexa sighed.
"The end justifies the means?" Clarke finished that sentence. Lexa could read Clarke's face. Clarke didn't understand, she was trying to, which meant a lot. It hurt to see that expression on the blonde's face.
"I am still the same person." Lexa stated. "I look out for those I love," Lexa added. Clarke nodded, but the turmoil that was written in her eyes did not falter. Clarke knew. She agreed. That was who Lexa was. She took care of people. She tried to stop her brain from shambling. She thought back on what Lexa told her. She took a deep breath. It did make sense for her to be someone people looked at for guidance. She oozed authority. The way she walked, the way she talked, all commanded your attention.
"I never wanted this, but it's what I got." Lexa murmured. Clarke suddenly pitied Lexa. She knew how the brunette felt about her family, and now she could only imagine how she felt bout those people.
"I believe you," Clarke stated. "What happened after?"
"Costia was killed, and I couldn't bear to stay after I had let the people that had killed her into my alliance. The killing and fighting needed to stop, but I needed to stop too. I couldn't-" Her voice broke down a little. Clarke removed Lexa's legs from her lap and embraced her tightly.
"I don't think I can get into what happened afterward today," Lexa stated, and Clarke nodded.
"That's okay," She kissed her hairline and hugged her close.
Lexa looked dejected, and Clarke felt the need to tell her that what she had revealed to her wasn't a deal breaker. "Hey," She whispered. "I'm still here." She said as she squeezed Lexa's hand.
"Yeah?" Lexa sounded insecure and looked more vulnerable than the time she told her about Costia.
"I told you, it wouldn't scare me off," Clarke stated. "I'll admit, I'm-" Clarke breathed in sharply, "It's not easy for me to understand, but it's your past. Everyone has a past. It doesn't dictate your future, right? It's over." Lexa scowled.
"If they need me, I'll be there." It's like Clarke had offended her or something.
"You'd go back to that life? You'd go back to 'hustling'?" Clarke asked, and Lexa removed herself from her embrace.
"Of course I would. I was fourteen when I took that responsibility on. If I felt that they needed me, now that I'm older and more capable, I would go back in a heartbeat. I would never abandon them." Clarke looked at her with widened eyes. "It's not just something that might never happen again, Clarke." She snapped. Clarke opened her mouth but no sound came out. She didn't know what to say.
"You still here?" Lexa snarked, and it hurt Clarke's feelings. She knew Lexa was only lashing out because she felt defensive about what she had done. She felt justified because her people needed her and Clarke couldn't fault her for that.
Lexa turned the series back on after she couldn't endure another second of silence. Five minutes in however Clarke hit the space bar and cupped Lexa's cheek.
"I am still here." She sounded slightly angry. "I don't understand everything right away, but I'm trying," Clarke stated. She held Lexa's gaze unwaveringly.
Clarke softened her eyes and said, "I don't want to argue, please," Lexa sighed as she watched her blonde plead with her. She admitted to herself she might have overreacted a little.
"I shouldn't have reacted so strongly. I'm sorry." Lexa stated. Clarke nodded. Clarke swallowed and shoved the computer off Lexa's lap. She replaced it with herself. Lexa leaned back against the wall, but instinctively snaked her hands onto Clarke's thighs. Clarke leaned in and kissed Lexa, pouring her emotions into it. She could feel the brunette relax against her. She leaned against Lexa's forehead.
"I'm just- I'm worried about you. It scares me." She whispered and opened her eyes. Lexa's eyes grew with understanding. She wasn't rejecting Lexa, what Lexa had done or maybe what she had to do again, she was scared for her. "I don't want you to go back to a life that's dangerous. I don't want you to be around people that could hurt you." Clarke explained. "More importantly, I don't want you to be in a situation where you have to make decisions where people get hurt. I know you. I know it's probably eating away at you." Clarke voiced, and Lexa's lips shivered. Clarke breathed and pressed her forehead against Lexa's.
"Let's hope I don't have to." Lexa murmured and captured Clarke's lips once more. Clarke felt Lexa sniff, and when she looked up, she spotted tears. Lexa hid her face into the crook of Clarke's neck.
They stayed that way, each rubbing each other's skin, finding the raw spots and conveying their feelings into their touch. When they both reclaimed their stillness and Clarke was on the brink of falling asleep, Lexa asked, "Can we watch 'Stranger Things'?" Clarke smiled against Lexa's hair. She nodded and tried to get off Lexa's lap but the brunette halted her movements. Her face was still serious as if it was recovering from their argument. She looked thoughtful but vulnerable. Clarke looked at her quizzically.
"I love you." Lexa's voice was lower than a whisper. Clarke's heart leaped into her throat. Clarke's next intake of air was shaky and unsure. She shuddered when she leaned into kiss Lexa. Stranger Things was long forgotten as each got lost in hesitant touches and intoxicating taste.
Notes:
I don't really like this chapter, but it's been too long. And I mean if you're till with me, you can tell my updates are not very consistent. I'm having a bit of a writer's block with this one and would rather start writing for dragontails again. I'll try to make time (for both). I mean I should, I have literally nothing to do.
Anyways thanks for kudos and comments.
See you next time folks.