LTP: And we're back, and what the hell's wrong with you Reala?
*camera pans to Reala who's flying all over the place like he's looking for someone with a slightly worried look on his face*
Reala: Please tell me Jackle's not wandering around on his own again, you remember what happened the last time, right?
LTP: Yes, I remember. And I still wonder how the hell he managed to set that aquarium on fire. But anyway, we won't have to worry about Jackle for a while. He's in his room right now, watching all those horror movies I got him as a reward for helping me stop Selph. Which reminds me, *turns to face the camera* thank you all, my loyal readers, for your support over the last couple of episodes! I would've thanked you all sooner, but then the thing with Selph happened.
NiGHTS: That reminds me, what did you end up doing with Selph anyway?
LTP: Let's just say he's going to be a bit... preoccupied for the moment.
*with Selph, who is being forced to watch a 24 hour non-stop marathon of 'Here Comes Honey Boo Boo' while inside the Ideya Palace*
Selph: *eye twitches* How can humans stand to watch this s***!?
*back with the others*
Reala: Do I even want to know?
LTP: Probably not. NiGHTS, let's get the disclaimer over with.
NiGHTS: Right then. LTP does not own NiGHTS into Dreams, NiGHTS Journey of Dreams, Two Best Friends, or Assassin's Creed 3.
LTP: Also, before we start this weeks' episode, a quick message to Recovery Zero. Check your Private Message inbox, I have sent you a message regarding your suggestions. Now without further delay, LET US BEGIN!
NiGHTS and Reala Play Assassin's Creed 3
(opens in NiGHTS' room, NiGHTS and Reala get comfy on beanbag chairs as the game starts on the main title screen)
Reala: Finally man! Assassin's Creed! We've been waiting for this for like a year, year and a half! Whatever the f*** Ubisoft said!
NiGHTS: Yeah, let's just get this over with I guess.
Reala: What the f***?
NiGHTS: I-
Reala What is this!?
NiGHTS: I'm just trying-
Reala You've been harping at me on this s*** for weeks!
NiGHTS: Look, I'm not even that remotely hyped, I don't know what it is. Doesn't matter.
Reala: Dude, what!? Look at all the f***ing s*** you have!
NiGHTS: What're you talking about?
*Reala grabs the camera*
Reala: Look at that! *points camera at some Assassin's Creed game boxes and figurines above NiGHTS' TV*
NiGHTS: Oh.
Reala: *zooms out camera, showing some more game boxes and a flag* And the flag and the others!
NiGHTS: Well look, I-
Reala: *Zooms out the camera more, showing NiGHTS' entire Assassin's Creed collection* AND ALL OF THAT S***!
NiGHTS: I forgot I had that stuff.
Reala: *turns camera on NiGHTS' door, which is covered by an Assassin's Creed 3 poster* And this f***ing poster!
NiGHTS: I just forgot about-
Reala: It covers the whole door!
NiGHTS: Ok, look-
Reala: It's your whole living room!
NiGHTS: Look, I bought all this s***, but then my doctor was like, 'Dude your blood is literally red, white, and blue right now. You need to calm down'. And I punched him and I ran out of the doctor's office!
{~~~}
NiGHTS: *mimicking Ezio* Remember when I was that guy and I killed all those guys?
Reala: *also mimicking Ezio* Remember when I was that guy and I was a f***ing ass****?
NiGHTS: Remember when I ate a bunch of pizza and lasagna? ... It was so good!
Reala: That's terrible!
NiGHTS: But he did though!
Reala: Ezio didn't even exist at a time that had pizza!
NiGHTS: Didn't he invent coffee in the last game?
Reala: No!
NiGHTS: In the last game, he told Leonardo, 'Put some f***ing milk in this s*** b****!'.
{~~~}
NiGHTS: Oh what is that, a burger?
Reala: Yeah that's the hamburger of Eden.
NiGHTS: *laughs*
{~~~}
Reala: Hey.
NiGHTS: Hey, no rushin' by the way.
Reala: Wasn't I in a coma?
NiGHTS: Were you?
{~~~}
*Reala is now playing as Desmond*
Reala: Oh wow. I'm Desmond now?
NiGHTS: Use a glow stick.
Reala: And I don't have to carry anything.
NiGHTS: Your jeans are way shorter and tighter too.
Reala: I can't- oh.
NiGHTS: Why are they so tight?
Reala: It's for the ladies.
NiGHTS: It's for the ladies to see the intricately modeled package they gave Desmond in the game.
Reala: Oh man...
{~~~}
Reala: I have no idea what's going on!
NiGHTS: What the f***'s going on?
Reala: Like why-
NiGHTS: I had to play the DS games for f***s sake, I don't know what's going on!
Reala: *laughs*
{~~~}
Reala: He was in a coma a lot, they were due-
NiGHTS: *laughs* They should have wrote 'D***butt' on his face!
Reala: *snickers*
{~~~}
Reala: Firmware updates.
NiGHTS: Yeah, Firmware updates.
Reala: I love it.
NiGHTS: Day one patch.
Reala: The Firmware update-
NiGHTS and Reala: OH JOOO-
{~~~}
*Reala is now playing as Haytham*
NiGHTS: *talking as Haytham* Well old chap, I do believe this world seems to be crumbling before our very eyes!
{~~~}
*in the theater*
NiGHTS: Oh my God!
Reala: That's tons of dudes!
NiGHTS: This is to classy for us! This is too classy for the show, we don't belong here!
Reala: Oh my Wizeman!
NiGHTS and Reala: *both apologizing to the people as they find their seat*
NiGHTS: Oh, your bosoms are quite lovely tonight, but I need to get to my seat.
Reala: Please get your powdered wig out of my ass please.
NiGHTS: Please no.
{~~~}
NiGHTS: Use your Eagle Vision, look at this sweet ass play.
Reala: Locate the gold target.
NiGHTS: Gold target looks like-
Reala: It's probably Abe Lincoln.
NiGHTS: Yeah. Kill him before he kills more people.
Reala: Abe Lincoln, history's greatest monster.
{~~~}
NiGHTS: Is there anyone looking at you right now? Can you turn the camera?
Reala: *turns camera* They're all-
NiGHTS: TONS OF PEOPLE!
Reala: Hey guys...
{~~~}
NiGHTS: Oh my god, jump in the middle of the crowd!
Reala: Let's see if I can do it. *tries to drop down, but the game won't let him*
NiGHTS: Aw, it didn't!
Reala: It won't let me do it!
NiGHTS: Oh, UBISOFT YOU WIN THIS ROUND!
{~~~}
Reala: Hey guys, quit making out. It's the theater.
NiGHTS: Oh my God.
Reala: They're making out so good.
NiGHTS: His face is pressed firmly into her 1700s bosoms.
{~~~}
NiGHTS: I've never picked a lock in my life, but I'm sure I'd be great at it.
Reala: Just mash!
NiGHTS: Just mash! *laughs*
{~~~}
Reala: Can I just fall off and die? *drops down onto stage* Yes I can!
*the words 'Desynchronized: You disturbed the play' appear onscreen*
Reala: I just-
NiGHTS: YOU DISTURBED THE PLAY!
Reala: This play has changed history.
NiGHTS: This is out! This is out! The show is entirely ruined!
*reset animation comes up*
NiGHTS and Reala: WHOOOAA.
{~~~}
Haytham: For what's it's worth, I'm sorry.
Reala: Oh that's sweet of him.
NiGHTS: Lick his earlobe!
{~~~}
Reala: Sup' nerd? What're you gonna do about it?
NiGHTS: *exaggerated whispering* Ssssshhhhhhh! Shut up! Don't tell anyone!
{~~~}
*Reala tries to make his way out of the theater*
Reala: I should probably get the f*** outta here.
NiGHTS: I'm super disappointed you couldn't kill a child in the first ten minutes.
Reala: *stops by a painting* Is that Louis Xlll?
NiGHTS: It's some... big stupid French guy.
Reala: Look at his stupid hair! Wizeman.
NiGHTS: It looks like-
Reala: History- history is so dumb.
NiGHTS: I know, everyone just looks like a total chode!
Reala: *wheezy laugh*
{~~~}
NiGHTS: *silly voice* Did you know that the Nintendo DS can rape 5 million children per second?
Reala: Through the Internet!
NiGHTS: *still with the voice* Through the Internet! Large penises come out of the screen and whack your children in the face!
Reala: Hey guys, everything's fine.
NiGHTS: This place is too opulent!
Reala: It's so packed!
NiGHTS: JASON~!
Reala: How are this-
NiGHTS: JASON~!
{~~~}
NiGHTS: Desmond needs to get the thing that the guy has. He's gotta watch the goddess sea rape with the thing. (I don't know if that was Matt really said)
Reala: But we know the dude's gonna just f***in' die and some dude's gonna take it, and Desmond's gonna be like 'S***!'.
{~~~}
Reala: I was talkin' s*** about how boring this is and then the ocean scared me.
NiGHTS: *giggles*
Reala: So I guess the game won.
{~~~}
*Reala saves a sailor from falling to death*
NiGHTS: Oh, you gotta rescue him.
Reala: He couldn't do a little Tarzan s*** and just do it himself?
NiGHTS: *talking as the sailor* Thank you for spearing me off the top, it was so hype!
Reala: Thanks Goldberg.
NiGHTS: *laughs*
{~~~}
NiGHTS: I really wish we could see, like, the 1754 version of Detroit.
Reala: *laughs* It's just this giant volcanic chasm in the earth!
NiGHTS: That's run by wolves!
{~~~}
NiGHTS: Okay, but there's no Hitomi Jacob in this time period!
Reala: There probably is.
NiGHTS: There probably is! *laughs*
Reala: Look at that big fat Union jack.
NiGHTS: Boooo! ... Boooo?
Reala: I guess, I don't even know anymore, I'm a British guy.
*a dog rolls onto it's back as Reala walks past it*
NiGHTS: WHA- YOU JUST KNOCKED THE DOG OVER! TURN AROUND! LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID!
Reala: *turns the camera angle around, sees the dog walking away* He's fine!
NiGHTS: Oh my God!
{~~~}
*Reala walks around a dog*
Reala: *sees petting as an option* I CAN PET HIM! *pets dog*
NiGHTS: Oh my God! Alright Reala, I take it back!
Reala: This is the best game!
NiGHTS: I take it back!
Reala: This is the best game!
NiGHTS: You made up for your faux pas earlier!
{~~~}
*Reala walks by some kids*
NiGHTS: Remember kids, you are not the future.
{~~~}
Reala: And the piggy's like 'That's f***in' sick!'.
NiGHTS: *talking as the pig* Oh would you like to just pull some bacon out of my side? I'm so delicious! You don't even know!
{~~~}
NiGHTS: Hey, pet the cat! Or take the cat!
Reala: I can pet the cat!
*cat rubs itself against Haytham's leg*
NiGHTS: Oh but the cat just does the cat thing, which is basically nothing!
Reala: Cat you nerd!
{~~~}
Reala: *kills the cat* BOOOOOOOOOOMMM!
NiGHTS: WHOOOAAAAA! MY GOD!
Reala: I DIDN'T THINK THAT WOULD HAPPEN!
NiGHTS: ... OH MY GOD!
{~~~}
*Reala is now fending off a bunch of guards*
NiGHTS: Yeah might as well go the whole way, right!? You're already a f***ing cat killer!
Reala: Pffffffttt!
{~~~}
*Reala is now running around*
NiGHTS: Go kill a pig I guess.
Reala: *kills a pig*
NiGHTS: OOOHH MY GOD!
{~~~}
NiGHTS: It was more brutal when you knocked the dog- *Reala kills a woman* OH!
Game: Desynchronized: Your ancestor did not kill civilians.
NiGHTS: OH MY GOD!
Reala: *laughing hysterically as he rolls off his beanbag chair, clutching his sides*
{~~~}
Reala: What the f***?
NiGHTS: Right?
Reala: That's a bug!
NiGHTS: No it's not.
Reala: That's not supposed to f***ing happen.
NiGHTS: That's an Animus thing!
Reala: When does he ever- Oh yeah, it's an Animus mistake.
Charles: She's made camp not too far from here.
Reala: Charles, let's go get that lady!
NiGHTS: Let's go get that lady cause that's what we do! She's gonna help you find the colors of the wind!
{~~~}
Reala: Just rains every f***ing day!
NiGHTS: Remember like, Virtual Fighter 4?
*Haytham holds his hands up*
Reala: WHAT THE F***!? *laughs a little*
NiGHTS: NO WAY!
{~~~}
*Reala chases after Kaniehtiio A.K.A. Ziio*
Reala: Aw man, she can climb the trees!
NiGHTS: Oh great.
Reala: But I can't climb the trees, I gotta run through this f***ing snow!
NiGHTS: You don't know tree climbing.
Reala: Girl get back here!
NiGHTS: I need to talk to you about you va-
Reala: I need to tell you about the Dreamcast!
{~~~}
*Reala kills an attacking wolf*
Reala: I'm sorry wolfie.
NiGHTS: Hey Chanel what's wrong with Wolfie? I can hear him barking...
{~~~}
NiGHTS: I tagged in George Washington for an assist!
*Kaniehtiio runs up to George Washington and tackles him off his horse*
Reala: OH S***!
NiGHTS: OH GOD!
Reala: GET HIM ZIIO!
Kaniehtiio: *holding down Washington* Don't.
NiGHTS: You know, if you kill him, things might happen.
Reala: You might create a time paradox!
NiGHTS: Please don't.
*Kaniehtiio starts beating the crap out of a struggling George Washington with her knife*
NiGHTS: OH!
Reala: *laughs so hard he rolls off his beanbag chair again*
{~~~}
Reala: Hey girl, I killed that guy. You wanna show me your magic cave now?
NiGHTS: I really need to see it right- ohhh...
{~~~}
Reala: I can't open it 'cause I'm too dumb!
NiGHTS: You don't have the hamburger yet!
Reala: You don't have the hamburger of Eden to shove in the hole!
{~~~}
NiGHTS: Yeah!
Reala: You got tons of mystical s***!
NiGHTS: *talking as Haytham* I really loved the way that you killed that guy. I really loved the way you beat the s*** out of George Washington girl.
Reala: *also talking as Haytham* Oh man, when you hit ol' Georgie in the face with your knife, I was like sprang!
{~~~}
*Reala is now playing as Ratonhnhaketon A.K.A. Connor*
Reala: Connor's so f***ing cool! He's like a fifteen year old and he's jumping and stabbing and all sorts of cool s***!
NiGHTS: When I was fifteen, I was basically doing this type of stuff all the time.
Reala: Oh you were eh? You were'nt just crying reading 'Punisher' comics?
NiGHTS: *wheezy laugh*
{~~~}
Reala: Okay, I see a rabbit.
NiGHTS: Ok, what can you do with this rabbit?
Reala: *jumps down from the tree* I CAN AIR ASSASSINATE THE S*** OUT OF THIS RABBIT! *kills the rabbit*
NiGHTS: *laughs*
Reala: I DIDN'T EVEN USE MY AXE, I JUST USED MY FISTS!
NiGHTS: This rabbit will not be reporting to the Templars anytime soon!
Reala: F*** you rabbit!
NiGHTS: Did you know that if you grab a rabbit and spin it around 360 degrees for five minutes, you can hypnotize it for up to ten minutes?
Reala: No!
NiGHTS: It will basically do whatever you want.
Reala: Why do you know that?
NiGHTS: It doesn't matter why I know that!
{~~~}
NiGHTS: Okay, those are just poor fishermen, I don't know why you need to-
*Reala kicks one of the fishermen into the water*
Reala: HA HA!
NiGHTS: God damn it...
{~~~}
Reala: *kills a fox* F*** YOU!
NiGHTS: *laughs a little* Fantastic Mr. Fox, NOOO!
{~~~}
Reala: OH MY WIZEMAN I'M GONNA KILL THIS F***ING BEAVER! *kills the beaver*
NiGHTS: Oh God... No!
{~~~}
NiGHTS: You're gonna put a bunch of like, brown sugar and eat them at carnivals!
Reala: Oh yeah.
NiGHTS: Get some beaver tails!
Reala: Hey girl, you wanna check out my beaver tail?
NiGHTS: It's big and flappy!
{~~~}
NiGHTS: Yes! YEAH!
Reala: OH YEAH!
NiGHTS: Oh man, old timey Western black guy is the best!
Reala: I think an old black man beating the s*** out of a kid with a cane is the best thing in the world!
{~~~}
NiGHTS: See what happens when I poison your porridge. Then we'll see who's laughing. See if you can laugh with a mouth filled with poisoned porridge!
Reala: Did porridge even exist in colonial times?
NiGHTS: It's gotta right? Or sludge or gruel!
Reala and NiGHTS: Gruel!
Reala: Now with more orphans!
NiGHTS: This is Krusty brand imitation gruel! 9 out of 10 orphans can't tell the difference!
{~~~}
*Connor sits down in a chair, but it breaks under his weight*
NiGHTS and Reala: *laugh at Connor*
Reala: What a stupid ass****!
{~~~}
Achilles: Anyway, who are you?
Ratonhnhaketon: My name is Ratonhnhaketon.
NiGHTS: Right, uh Ratatouille.
{~~~}
NiGHTS: Ok, so you been roughly playing for like 9 hours.
Reala: More like 10 hours.
NiGHTS: And we're finally a f***ing assassin!
Reala: I finally got the hood and I can stab these guys!
{~~~}
*Reala fights several redcoat soldiers*
NiGHTS: This is the true fighting style of America!
Reala: This is the Mel Gibson fighting style!
NiGHTS: Hide behind the hostage!
{~~~}
NiGHTS: Connor Ratatouille, Colonial Ninja.
{~~~}
*Connor gets head butted by a man in a kilt*
NiGHTS and Reala: OOOOHHHH!
NiGHTS: It's a complete debaucle!
Reala: What d'ya got? Try to block me now with no gun!
NiGHTS: WITH GOD AS MY WITNESS, HE'S BROKEN IN HALF!
Reala: AAAHH!
{~~~}
Reala: Hey everybody. How do you like it that this Native American's so f***in' rich he's just gonna throw f***ing coins at you?
*Reala starts throwing coins at the civilians*
NiGHTS: Uncle Connor is gonna make you very rich!
Reala: How do you like it? Yeah, fight for it!
NiGHTS: The blood money of America runs through your veins!
Reala: My village is better than your town ass****s! It's so good!
NiGHTS: I'm in my home stake just rolling in the p****! 24/7! What you got Boston!? YOU GOT CLAM CHOWDER! THAT'S ALL YA GOT!
Reala: *whispers* I hate clam chowder.
NiGHTS: EVEN THE DOGS WANT MY CASH!
Reala: Are the dogs really going for the cash?
NiGHTS: One was for a second ago, I saw it!
{~~~}
Reala: Look! Look at Connor! He's this big f***ing big d*** pirate captain!
NiGHTS: And he's on a boat!
{~~~}
NiGHTS: I don't understand how he's suddenly a pirate though...
Reala: I went through ten minutes of training *NiGHTS laughs* and I learned how to be a pirate!
NiGHTS: You're just the captain of the U.S.S. Windrammer!
Reala: Pretty much!
{~~~}
Reala: Come on, I need to get to my convoy!
NiGHTS: The horse is kinda slow actually...
Reala: It's way faster than I am!
NiGHTS: Man, you'd think Sarah Jessica Parker could go faster than this!
Reala: She's too sore.
{~~~}
NiGHTS: Oh, that's not good.
*horse stops at a cliff*
Reala: JUMP HORSE!
Horse: *neighs in protest*
Reala: F*** IT! *jumps off the horse into the water*
NiGHTS: *laughs* That horse did not have a good American work ethic!
Reala: My horse is a p****!
{~~~}
NiGHTS: *Arnold Schwartzenegger voice* Get the predator moves! Can you do it!?
{~~~}
NiGHTS: Where'd he go?
Reala: He's up there. *angles camera to show a guy hanging from a tree*
NiGHTS: Aaaw...
Reala: He's doing good.
NiGHTS: There's a warning to all you other British people, stay out of Riverdale!
{~~~}
Reala: What the f***? OH S***! IT'S BEARS!
NiGHTS: IT'S THE NUMBER ONE PROBLEM IN AMERICA!
Reala: F***!
NiGHTS: OH MY GOD!
Reala: WHAT IS HAPPENING!?
NiGHTS: IT'S A FLYING BEAR!
Reala: OH MY WIZEMAN!
NiGHTS: YOU ARE GETTING RAPED BY A BEAR IN THE LAKE!
*Reala manages to kill the bear*
Reala: It's okay, I killed the magic bear!
*Reala gets attacked by another bear*
Reala: WHAT THE F*** HE'S STILL ALIVE!?
NiGHTS: NO IT'S A SECOND BEAR!
Reala: *laughing a bit* WHAT THE F*** IS GOING ON!?
LTP: Man, It looked like Reala was actually having fun for once.
NiGHTS: Of course he was having fun, he got to kill helpless animals and people.
LTP: I'm not surprised, he strikes me as the type of person that would enjoy mauling the s*** outta people.
NiGHTS: Too true.
Reala: By the way, how did you know about that thing with the rabbit NiGHTS?
NiGHTS: LTP told me.
Reala: Really?
LTP: My head is full of useless information. For example, every time you sneeze, you lose a brain cell. Apple seeds contain trace amounts of cyanide. And a recent study revealed that dogs possess a level of sentience equal to that of a human toddler.
Reala: Somehow, I'm not surprised by that.
LTP: Now then, before we close the show for today, I just need to ask, does anyone out there know of any Vocaloid songs that would be fitting for Jackle? Or any songs in general that would match our lovable, schizophrenic gambler? And with that, I'm off to check on Selph. Hopefully he didn't try to claw his own eyes out.