Number of words: 4,218

Published date: May 18, 2015

Began chapter: June 30, 2014

Finished chapter: May 18, 2015

Chapter 36: Memories 3

The Third Day of Mercury in the Month of the Water Bearer in the Twenty-First Year of His Majesty's Reign

[Wednesday, February 17, 1482]

Van stopped me yesterday. He was eager to hear about the meeting with Ezra and the Ishbalans.

I was surprised that he asked me instead of Paracelsus. I would have expected Van to question his master first and not come to a 'superstitious soothsayer' for information. I said as much and Van was the one to seem honestly surprised by my assumption. There was no disrespect in his voice or face when he spoke to me.

Van has been an apprentice alchemist for a few months and I assumed this would be long enough for Paracelsus to ingrain in him the alchemists' prejudice against our art, but it seems I may have misunderstood the ways of His Majesty's advisors. Perhaps Paracelsus does not think so little of us and Mother that he outrights blasphemes us. Maybe there is a personal quarrel that clouds his and Mother's opinions of each other, so that the subtle insults are meant more for the person and less for the science.

I never thought of this before. If it is true, I am curious to know what could have happened between Mother and the master alchemist to make them hate each other.

Of course, I may be reading too much into it. Perhaps Paracelsus merely believes that Van will come to disrespect us without any prompting or negative influence on his part.

Van explained that he approached me because he doubted his master would be forthcoming with him and because, being so close in age, he felt more comfortable coming to me. I was quite happy to tell him what had happened in the meeting. After the disrespect – or to be more accurate, the lack of respect – he showed me when we first met, and really, ever since I have known him, it was nice to remind him that he may have escaped slavery, but he is far from equal to those born into our positions. Which of us was invited to attend before His Majesty? Not him! And who had the great honour of speaking in front of His Majesty? Not him!

When he wants information, Van curbs his brash manner and is far more humble. If I had nothing of interest to tell him, I doubt he would pay any special attention to me, but because he was interested, he asked question after question and showed unfeigned astonishment at the story.

He seemed happy that the Ishbalans would be remaining here, even if only for a brief time. He was optimistic that he would get a chance to talk to them, to learn about where they have come from and the lands they have visited. I don't understand why he thinks they will have any worthwhile knowledge; we know that Xerxes is far more advanced than any other country and so only a fool would leave or have any interest in the barbarians of the outside world.

The Third Day of Venus in the Month of the Water Bearer in the Twenty-First Year of His Majesty's Reign

[Friday, February 19, 1482]

I am not sure who holds the most fault: The Ishbalans' prophet, for being so brazen; Paracelsus, for going along with the prophet's request; Van, for suggesting that I would be willing to help; or even Mother, for not coming to my defence.

Ezra, emboldened by his (in his mind) victory against Mother, went so far as to request that one of His Majesty's seers come to learn and teach along with the alchemists – of whom Van was an eager member, happy to have received the task from his master to milk the Ishbalans for their knowledge.

Van seemed to completely disregard the insult of the whole thing. Obviously Mother and Paracelsus don't want to waste their precious time on something they deem unimportant and menial, so they have sent us in their places.

No, I suppose that's an exaggeration. Paracelsus is busy, but he has shown his face a few times. There is nothing quite like obtaining knowledge firsthand, after all. (I hate when he comes with us. He's so stiff and stuffy. He never smiles and he doesn't blink enough.)

Ezra certainly realizes the insult. He has been visibly disgruntled to be given the apprentices and not the masters as he clearly feels he deserves. The man thinks an awful lot of himself! Or perhaps he thinks little of us because we are young. I don't like him at all and I don't see the point of wasting my time with him. It is not as if I have permission to reveal our secrets to these outsiders. The only reason I'm here is to make sure Mother is as equally informed as the alchemists. It's so demeaning!

The Fourth Day of Mars in the Month of the Water Bearer in the Twenty-First Year of His Majesty's Reign

[Tuesday, February 23, 1482]

I have changed my opinion about having to attend with the Ishbalans. It has only been a week, but already I have learned a lot. About the world outside Xerxes, about alchemy, and about Van.

Van and I walk together from the palace to the outskirts of the city, where the Ishbalans have set up temporary shelter while they rest, gather supplies, and attend to chores impossible to do while on the move. Their cooking is far different from what we eat, with lots of spices that I've never smelled before and a number of dried root vegetables that I haven't even heard of. Their camp is orderly and quiet. By some unspoken signal that I haven't yet figured out, at noon everyone pauses in what they are doing to pray to their god. While the adults watch us with polite but guarded looks, their very young children and ours have already mingled together in play with no mind to differences in skin or eye colour.

I find Van's reactions interesting and, in their own way, cute. Where Mother has taught me to carefully guard what I am thinking, Van is so much more expressive and carefree with his words and thoughts. He made friends almost instantly with the five men (other than Ezra) who were selected to learn from us. Though I did not pay particular attention to the other men who appeared at the audience with His Majesty, I think one or two of these men may have been in attendance.

Joktheel, an older man with a long white beard who the others show deference toward, seems to be the group's historian. He recounts the Ishbalans' journeys from memory, the recitations sometimes taking upward of an hour to tell and for which Van shows an unrestrained enthusiasm. Eliel, a serious, practical, and sturdy middle-aged man, is most interested in our technology: how we construct our buildings, how we draw water from the ground, how we work with metals and precious stones, what techniques we use for making and dying our cloth, and similar things. In return, he tells us of the animals the Ishbalans raise, the foods they eat, how they construct shelters that withstand the sands and winds of desserts more unforgiving than our own, their tricks for existing in the desert. Van tells what he knows (embarrassingly enough, thanks to his time as a slave, he knows more than I do about such things) and admits outright when he does not know the answers to Eliel's questions. He even offered to see if Eliel can get a tour with the royal architect, Sergence, at the bath currently under construction. Abidan cannot be more than a year older than Van, and I have no idea why he has been picked to learn from us, seeing as all he seems interested in doing is telling tall tales of bravado and complimenting me on my eyes, but Van seems quite comfortable posturing and jesting to match what Abidan gives and the older men seem to find their behaviour natural and mildly humourous.

The Ishbalans' stories admittedly are interesting, but I was most fascinated when Van explained alchemy to the Ishbalans. The topic came up innocently in questions about social life in the palace, and when Van said that he was an apprentice alchemist, the Ishbalans wanted to know more about what being an alchemist meant, having never heard the term before.

I've thought about it before, but it is still baffling to me how the alchemists do not have anywhere near the same level of secrecy for their art as we do. I mean, Van did not reveal anything so specific that I could use alchemy myself (I shudder at the thought!), but the philosophy that he described did not on its face sound all that incompatible with our own view of the world.

He spoke of the One and the All. The interconnectedness of all things. That the universe is ruled by laws far above us. That things change, break down, build up, matter and energy transforming and moving, but never being destroyed.

Teaching the Ishbalans isn't wholly unpleasant. It could be much worse. At least I get to learn more about Van.

The First Day of Jupiter in the Month of the Snake in the Twenty-First Year of His Majesty's Reign

[Thursday, March 2, 1482]

I am furious!

No, ashamed.

If I am honest, I guess it is both. I let him egg me on. It was his fault, but I shouldn't have let him get under my skin.

Ezra has been getting frustrated by my refusal to tell him anything about our arts. At first his needling was on-the-surface friendly, but he has become less patient with me, and in his latest bid, he suggested that I actually know very little and that at the audience I was just parroting words for Mother's 'performance'. An insult I could hardly be expected to ignore, could I?

Van was just trying to protect me, I know, but his reaction both surprised and irritated me. His response to Ezra was not what angered me so badly. I will tell of that later.

Van took a cheerful, lighthearted stance when Ezra confronted me, trying to mediate and calm the situation. He spoke in a joking tone, saying that Ezra mustn't blame me for my reticence. Van has lived in the palace his entire life and has always known the seers to be 'an enigmatic and tight-lipped bunch, hiding away in their underground temple, studying the movement of stars and smoke and cards and anything else that forms random patterns in their desire to know the future, and being sure to adopt a mysterious, otherworldly air whenever they venture out into the real world'.

"So then," Ezra said, "it is as I said. That blind woman's predictions were nothing more than a calculated performance-"

"Oh no! Hardly. The Great Seer is one of His Majesty's closest advisors. I have the greatest respect for her and her craft. Her predictions are never revealed outside the Royal Court, but there are instances where we all know it was her visions that saved our country from calamity. I am merely saying that Dante cannot help but be quiet. That is just how the seers are. That is how she was raised. And from what I understand, it would take far more than a few weeks or even a few months for you – for either of us - to be able to follow any answers she gives. Isn't that right, Dante?"

At the time, I was torn on how to respond. I was happy to hear Van's praise for Mother, and even more so his assertion that the general populace respects her. And I was flattered that he was trying to re-direct Ezra's anger away from me. But on the other hand, Van's suggestion that we study 'random patterns' and that we use secrecy for mere show was deeply offensive. Not to mention completely wrong.

So I chose to say nothing. And he was lucky that was all I said.

Why did he have to defend me in such an insulting way! And how could he have thought I would thank him for it?

But he really did think I should be grateful. After some awkward fumbling to extricate us from Ezra, a mumbling of apologies and a helpless shrug of his shoulders over my perceived rudeness, Van gave me a disgruntled look. Later, as we were heading back to the palace, he walked silently in front of me, an act which was quite unlike him. He usually walks beside me and makes polite small talk or discusses whatever was most interesting that he learned that day. His silent back was all that he needed to send the message that he was angry with me.

What did he have to be angry about? I hadn't insulted him, the way he'd done to me. In fact, I'd refrained where it would have been quite appropriate for me to retaliate. I was absolutely indignant about the silent treatment, but the long walk through the city only made me stubborn. I felt like he was challenging me or accusing me and I certainly wasn't going to rise to the bait by being the one to speak first!

Van was about to leave me at the temple entrance, had turned around and taken a few long strides away, but then he suddenly turned around and came back.

"You know what? I can't believe you! I stuck my neck out for you back there and this is how you thank me? What's your problem?"

"My problem? You're the one who insulted me, so I don't see why you seem to think I should be thanking you."

"Getting you out of a pinch was insulting? How?"

"Not that! You were making fun of us. All that talk about us hiding away and pretending to be mysterious. You can't say you weren't!"

"I said those things because it was the only way to get Ezra off your back! Do you have even the slightest inkling of how hot the sand is you've been walking on with him? You're rude, you're uncooperative, you give the man no respect at all. Maybe you'll replace the Seer one day, but you're still a child in his eyes. You have to think of your position!"

"You're a fine one to be talking about position. How dare you talk to me like that!"

"And there it is again. You know, Dante, maybe down in your underground temple, always acting high and mighty and demanding that everyone do what you want, like a spoiled child, works for you. But out here in the real world, it's not that simple. You can't just play the rank card any time you want and expect it to save you. People have feelings and you have to consider them sometimes."

"How amusing. Where we spend all of our time studying the course of human lives, it's a slave who's the expert on reading people?"

"Former slave. And you find that so hard to believe?"

"You're told what to do. You do it. It's very simple."

"No, it's not. You really have no idea. Menial chores were the least of our problems. The masters could punish us whenever they pleased, and if they were in a bad mood, we'd bear the brunt of it. You learned very quickly to tell when someone was upset and to do whatever worked best to appease them. And what that meant was different for every person. But curry too much favour and you ran the risk of being disliked by the others. Why, I'm still not sure what to do about Andal. Even before the Master took me as his apprentice, Andal didn't like me, and now he outright hates me. Can your science tell me what to do to make him stop being jealous of me? Oh, but you couldn't tell me even if you knew the answer, because you can't be bothered to explain it to a lowly apprentice who's done nothing but try to be your friend."

"You know very well that our teachings are secret-"

"Yes, so you keep saying. But I would think by now that you would trust me at least a tiny bit and yet, despite all the time we've spent together, you're still as guarded and unfriendly as ever."

"Well, I'm sorry if I'm not as gregarious as you. If I explain why I am the way I am, will that satisfy you? Should I tell you that the Scorpion rising on the horizon when I was born makes secrets a natural part of how I present myself to the world? Or that Saturn opposite the Ascendant makes me favour privacy and solitude? That the Sun and Mercury in the Lion can't help but give me a proud bearing, or that my mother's influence is particularly strong due to the placement of my Moon? You were right when you told Ezra that I cannot help but be quiet, but were you just correct by accident? From my perspective, you're blaming me for things over which I have little control. And if you want to talk about being guarded, what about you? We've known each other for over a year now and you've still never told me how you learned to read or how you came to have your name."

"I could have picked it and figured out how to read on my own."

"You've already admitted you didn't pick the name yourself and I can't believe you learned how to read without help."

This left Van stumped. He was still clearly angry at me and he stood and stared at me for what seemed like a long time, trying and failing to come up with a good retort that would save him from seeming like a hypocrite. Of course, he couldn't come up with anything and so turned and left in a huff.

I won the argument, but I can't say it was a pleasant victory. Even writing these words hours later, I'm still upset. I'm upset about what Van said, upset of what he accused me of, and annoyed that I let him upset me so badly. Why am I allowing what he thinks to affect me so much? What does it matter?

I'm too riled up right now to make any sense of it. Maybe in the morning I'll be able to think about it more clearly.

The First Day of Venus in the Month of the Snake in the Twenty-First Year of His Majesty's Reign

[Friday, March 3, 1482]

During our argument last night, Van called me his friend. I didn't realize that he thinks of us as friends. I don't have any other friends, and now that I know that's how he thinks of me, I don't want him to have a low opinion of me.

I've never thought of myself as demanding or inconsiderate. Is he right? The others in the temple would probably be afraid to tell me about my faults if what he said is true. All it would take is one word to Mother and they could suffer for anything I consider an insult.

Van was honest with me. He didn't hold back what he was thinking, although I could get him in trouble if I wanted to. Maybe it was just his anger talking, but I think he was trying to help me. He seemed frustrated, but sincere. He also seemed disappointed, which still makes me mad. His standards, the expectations on him, are very different from what I bear, so he has no right to judge me. Everyone has faults, after all.

Then again, maybe I am inconsiderate. I've never thought about how his life must be difficult too. He has to deal with many different types of people and he doesn't have the benefit of birth to protect himself, so he has to tread carefully and understand how people think and feel. Those are skills that a seer needs as well.

I suppose I should respect him for that. It doesn't mean that I am less competent than he is; he's just older than me, and he's had more opportunity to learn about people than I have.

I still think he was wrong in how he handled the situation with Ezra, but I guess he did it in a good spirit, so I'll try not to hold it against him. Which means, I suppose, that I need to find some way to make up with him.

The Second Day of the Moon in the Month of the Snake in the Twenty-First Year of His Majesty's Reign

[Monday, March 6, 1482]

I'm not good at apologizing. I've never had to do it before. I wasn't sure how to go about it. I was afraid that Van was still angry at me. I spent hours trying to find the perfect opportunity to talk to him, to bring up the subject, and in the end all I ended up doing was blurting out that I had done a reading for his question when we were returning to the palace from the Ishbalans' camp again.

Beginning the conversation so bluntly was embarrassing. I'm sure my face turned bright red.

Van didn't know what I meant, so I had to spell it out. He had asked before (quite rudely) whether our art could tell him how to make this fellow apprentice of his (Andal, I think his name was) stop being jealous of him. Without knowing their birth dates or having Andal's hand to examine, my options were limited, so I went to the cards as the best tool.

Normally Mother would only provide the conclusion of the reading along with whatever advice is suggested by it, but knowing how curious Van is, as a gesture of goodwill I even explained to him the details of the reading.

I've put the complete reading in my log book, naturally, so I won't waste space with the details here, but the advice for Van was simple: It doesn't matter what efforts he could make to win Andal's good graces; none of his attempts will make any difference. Andal will not stop hating him. In fact, I believe Van will rise even higher in Paracelsus's esteem, so his relationship with Andal is likely to grow worse, not better. I told him the best thing he can do is to not waste his time sowing seeds of kindness where there are only rocks.

This approach worked wonders. Van was so wrapped up in the reading that he forgot that he was supposed to be angry at me. Not only that, but he apologized for what he said the other day. It surprised me. I didn't think he would.

He didn't admit any wrongdoing in terms of what he said to Ezra, but he admitted that it isn't my fault that I am not supposed to talk about our science, and he said that if he is one day going to serve His Majesty (which, if he becomes a full-fledged alchemist, is logical to assume, since all alchemists serve His Majesty), then it wouldn't be right for him to continually pester me about it or to resent when I can't tell him something. He needs to respect our secrecy, just as he will probably have secrets as an alchemist that he won't be able to share with me.

I apologized too for not having thanked him for looking out for me. I didn't realize how proud I was or how unfriendly I seem to other people until he pointed it out. That makes me all the more grateful for Van's efforts to be my friend. I told him I appreciated that he was willing to tell me the truth even though I might not want to hear it, which means I know he has been honest with me.

When I said this, Van looked strangely guilty. He said that he was thankful that I trusted him. He also admitted that I had been right when I'd said that he had been keeping how he learned to read and how he got his name a secret, but that he felt like he could trust me enough now and owed me a secret of his own - a secret he'd been dying to share with someone. If I wanted, I could come up to his room in the alchemists' quarters the next night and he would show me something.

I can't imagine what he wants to show me. From what he said, it will be something that explains how he learned to read and how he got his name. I want to say that it must be a book of some kind, but how could a book teach him to read before he knew how to read in the first place? It could be a person, but surely he wouldn't have used the word 'something' to describe them if that was the case.

For some reason, I feel kind of nervous to find out what he wants to show me, but I'm so curious! I wonder what it is?

Author's Notes:

Fanart: I forgot to mention it in my last chapter, but Phylactery received some fanart! Thanks a bunch to Koliri/Koklico! The links are on my profile. It's some really wonderful stuff, and the attention to detail is amazing, so be sure to check it out!

While there is some set-up here for future plot, the main purpose of this chapter is to develop Dante and Van Hohenheim's personalities and friendship. Hohenheim as an adult seems pretty mellow in the anime and he reminds me more of Alphonse than of Edward, but I think Ed must have inherited a lot of traits from his father as well. Remember here that Hohenheim is a teenager not much older than Ed was in canon; I'm picturing him as a softer Ed, but still with a bit of a temper and a bluntly honest attitude. Note to Koliri and other artists: Please do a picture of young Hohenheim and Xerxes! When I did a search, I was amazed how little fanart there is of young Hohenheim.

Also, I feel like the cliffhanger here is really, really obvious! Oh well.