35 Tom's POV
Meeting dates and times were sorted, we went home, fed Buzz, and everything moved on like every other day of the week. I looked after Buzz as best as I could, ultimately ending up watching my band mates look after my child. They made him light up in ways I never could, he was active with them, and laughed so much too, he was genuinely happy with them, with me he never seemed satisfied. Sure, he held onto me when I picked him up, and let me feed, bathe and put him to bed, but he wasn't as happy as he was when he was with Danny, Harry and Dougie.
And Danny, Harry and Dougie seemed happier when they were with him too. They seemed to smile more, and laugh, and play about, more than they did when it was just us after Buzz went to bed. In fact, I'd say it was downright awkward when it was just us. Nobody seemed to know what to talk about, or what to do in general. I took to escaping upstairs, going back to trying to write a song or two in between Buzz waking up with teething issues. I never got very far, didn't seem able to even come up with the simplest melody, or a lyric that didn't revolve around being utterly useless at everything.
I just felt so helpless right now, helpless and out of place. Nothing I did seemed right, nobody knew what to say to me, or what to do when I was in the room. Sure, they tried to be kind, and give me encouragement to join in with my son's play, but it seemed so forced. Like they were doing it out of a misplaced need to have me there, even though I had no idea about what I was doing, and was going to get everything wrong. I always got it wrong, didn't have a clue on where to start, or what to do with anything. Give me a cleaning list, or a shopping list, and at least I had a chance of getting something right. Playing with my son? Talking to other adults? I had no hope, and no clue on how to do it.
Maybe Danny, Harry and Dougie were starting to realise that, maybe they had had their eyes opened at that first therapy session. I wouldn't have been surprised to be honest, their chat with Natasha had been very long, and obviously extensive. Maybe hearing all my faults out loud had made them all realise how serious this situation was, that I really was useless, and not just in shock over my wife leaving. Or, or maybe they were getting annoyed with having to sort out everything for me. I wouldn't have been surprised, I wasn't exactly good at getting myself organised. I should start getting good at that though, I was supposed to be improving myself through therapy. I should have made a start by getting myself organised, without the help of others.
And that's exactly what I did, on the day of my next therapy session, I got up and got myself and Buzz ready, packed food and toys for my son, along with the rest of the essentials, and set off for the therapy office, all by myself. I managed to be early too, if only because I had started getting ready two hours before I was meant to leave. But it was better than running late, right? It had to be better than running late. I couldn't run late anymore, I had to be on time, had to be in charge of myself.
"Hello Tom and Buzz, welcome back. Are the boys lagging behind today?" Natasha greeted us as we arrived at the office, perfectly on time.
"No, no they're not behind. They're at home, I drove myself." Because I could drive well, I knew I could drive well. Very well in fact. I was good at that. I was incredibly careful, always drove at the speed limit made sure I didn't do anything dangerous, made sure we stayed out of the way of any car that could possibly be hazardous. Buzz was always strapped in tight, and slept through most journeys, because I made sure to drive on the smoothest roads possible.
"Oh, oh alright. I didn't realise that, do they know you've come by yourself?" Natasha asked, looking concerned.
"I left a note on the table." I hadn't wanted to wake them, or disturb them in their own morning routines. I thought a note on the table would have been a good, organised thing to do. It was a good and organised thing, right?
"Ah, that makes sense. Though, next time, I think you should talk to them first, to make sure that they definitely know you're coming by yourself, they could be worried about where you both are." Natasha advised, I hadn't thought of them worrying.
"Sorry, I didn't think of that. I'll remember it next time." I would make sure I remembered that, along with everything else Natasha taught me. I was going to remember everything and do everything she said. I was going to get better at this, I was going to be a good dad, and a good person. I wasn't going to be useless anymore, I was going to be good, I was determined to be good.