The Hostage Situation

"Guys, I committed a sin today," Shawn confessed. He looked very upset at the moment. "I am officially a sinner again."

"Well what did you do?" Matt asked. He was eating some chocolate chip cookies.

"I stole Randy's wallet."

Hunter started to laugh. "Dude, that's hilarious."

"It's not hilarious!" Shawn objected. "I lost the thing and Randy is really, really upset right now. "What if he tries to steal something I like in order to get back at me?"

Hunter shook his head. "Okay first of all, you have nothing worth stealing. Believe me, I've stolen your shit before and most of it wasn't worth the effort of the theft in the first place. Second of all, this is Randy you're talking about. The guy has the mental capacity of a cockroach. What in the world could he possibly be smart enough to steal from you?"

XXXXXXXXXXX

"Bird bird bird, bird is a word," Jeff sang as he walked down the hallway. "Bird bird bird, bird is the word." He stopped when he looked down on the floor and saw a trail of Skittles. "Holy baby Jesus!" he exclaimed. "I've died and gone to Heaven!" He began to pick up each piece of candy and put it in his mouth. "Ooh piece of candy! Ooh piece of candy! Ooh piece of candy!"

Suddenly a net was thrown over his head. "AH! THE RUSSIANS HAVE ME!" he screamed. He tried to take off running but he tripped over his own feet and hit his head very hard. "OW!"

"Holy crap!" Ted exclaimed. He and Cody quickly ran over to check on Jeff. "You said you were going to lure him in nicely Randy."

Randy grabbed Jeff and pulled him up to his feet. "It's not my fault he's the dummy who thought the Russians were after him." He glared at Jeff. "Shawn stole my wallet, so I'm taking you until he gives it back to me."

Jeff just stared at him. "So…does that mean you're with the Russians now?"

"No you damn idiot! It means you're going to be my hostage for awhile."

"Oh. I have a boo boo on my head. Kiss it and make it better."

"I'm not going to kiss your boo boo."

"Oh yes you will."

"Oh no I won't."

"Oh yes you will."

"Jeff knock it off."

Jeff removed the net that was still on him. "Kiss the boo boo or I'm going to scream."

"Randy just do it," Cody pleaded.

"Yeah," Ted added. "I've heard him scream and it's not pretty."

"I am not kissing his boo boo and that's final!" Randy yelled.

Jeff made a face and let out a high pitched scream that put cranky toddler to shame. Cody and Ted put their hands over their ears and jumped back like five feet. Randy tried to resist but he finally gave in and kissed Jeff where he had hurt his head. Jeff stopped screaming and grinned. "See? Was that so hard?"

Randy glared at him. "Just shut up and come with us. It's time to negotiate the return of my wallet."

XXXXXXXXX

"Dude stop that!" Shawn complained. He and Matt were playing Smackdown vs. Raw 2009 and Matt was beating the crap out of him. "This is not fair! I'm not going to be able to win if you don't let me get up!"

"That's kind of why I keep beating the crap out of you," Matt pointed out.

Hunter came back from getting the Mountain Dew he had wanted. "You want to know what I just saw?"

"Miz in his Borat inspired swimsuit?" Matt asked without looking away from the TV.

"No. Legacy has taken Jeff hostage. I guess Randy really is pissed about his wallet being missing."

Shawn paused the game and looked at his two friends. "Maybe we should retrace my steps and try to find the wallet."

Matt shook his head. "That won't be necessary."

Hunter frowned. "Dude, what's your deal? You're usually really protective of Jeff. Why aren't you worried right now?"

Matt smirked. "This is not the first time Jeff's been kidnapped. Believe me, the same thing happens every time someone takes him."

Shawn stared at Matt with interest. Can you tell us what happens?"

Matt's smirk got even bigger. "He annoys his kidnappers so badly that they end up paying me to take him back. Bitches…we're about to get rich."

XXXXXXXX

"Why won't they answer their phones?" Randy muttered. He was getting frustrated. How was he supposed to negotiate the return of his wallet if none of Jeff's friends were answering their phones?

Jeff made loud vrooming noises and started running around the dressing room. "Look at me! I'm a race car driver!" He purposefully ran into Ted and Cody, knocking both of them over. "Ha! I killed you! Hit and run! Hit and run!"

"Would you knock it off?" Randy snapped. "I can't think when you're making that much noise."

"Why do you need to think?"

"Because I need a plan."

"Why?"

"I need to get my wallet back."

"Why?"

"Because it has important stuff in it."

"Why?"

Randy frowned. "Why do you keep asking me why?"

"Why?"

"That's just what I asked you!"

"Why?" Jeff asked with a grin.

Randy looked at Ted and Cody. "One of you better duct tape his mouth shut."

"We don't have duct tape," Cody said.

"Well find something else then!"

Jeff got down on his hands and knees. "Woof woof! I'm a doggie!"

Ted clapped his hands. "That's awesome! I love doggies!"

Randy smacked him on the back of the head. "Would you stop being second for two seconds? He is not a doggie!"

Jeff growled. He did not like how rude Randy was being. He crawled over to the Legend Killer and bit him on the leg.

"OW!" Randy screamed. "SON OF A BITCH! GET HIM OFF ME!"

It took Cody and Ted ten minutes to get Jeff off of Randy. "Grrr…that'll show you," Jeff growled.

Randy just looked at him. "Have you gone completely insane?"

Jeff stood up and grinned at him. "Do you want to hear a song?"

"No."

"Well you're going to hear one anyway." He cleared his throat. "Well everybody's heard about the bird. Bird bird bird. Bird is the word. Don't you know about the bird? Well everybody knows that bird is a word. Bird bird bird bird is a word."

"Okay that's enough," Randy objected.

"Well everybody's heard about the bird."

"Jeff I'm not joking."

"Bird bird bird."

"SHUT UP!"

"Bird is the word."

XXXXXXX

Matt smirked as Jeff skipped into the room. "Wow, they only had you for a half hour. What did you do to make them give up already?"

Jeff grinned. "I sang the bird song."

Shawn frowned. "What bird song?"

Jeff took a deep breath. "Don't you know about the bird? Well everybody knows that bird is a word. Bird bird bird, bird is a word…"

Hunter groaned. "Oh God, I think we need to give him back to Randy. He's never going to shut up now."