Not really a surprise, probably, but still some drama!

37. Doubts

Elphaba continued to improve over the next period of time and slowly but surely, a sense of normalcy was returning to the Palace. A little over a week after she'd returned from the hospital, she was able to walk up and down the stairs again – with someone's help – and from that moment on, she started working again for a couple of hours a day. Her employees all greeted her warmly, welcoming her back like she was some sort of war hero; and she awkwardly waved them away, relieved when they returned to their own work.

Gazilon returned home, but stayed in touch with her. She'd talked to her sister on video chat almost every day, too. Nessa had, indeed, been incredibly worried when Elphaba had been in the hospital and although Galinda had kept her updated on everything, she'd been glad to see her sister's own face. She'd offered to come over a couple of times, but Elphaba declined every time, claiming it was too busy for her, anyway, to have too many people around her, and she didn't want her sister to go through all the trouble. Since Frex still wouldn't allow Nessa anywhere near her sister if he could help it, she'd have to find someone with a car to drive her to the City and Elphaba insisted it wasn't worth the hassle. Nessa had accepted that reluctantly, but she'd warned her sister that she'd find a way to come visit the moment Elphaba was feeling better.

Things in the Palace mostly went the way they'd gone before, but there was a sense of relief underneath it all, so strong that it was almost palpable. The stalker was gone. There were no more letters, no more notes, and no more threats. They were all still a little bit jumpy, but it was starting to sink in that they had nothing to be afraid of anymore and everyone was lighter and cheerier for it.

As Elphaba recovered, the focus of the people in the Palace started to shift from Elphaba's predicament and her stalker to Galinda's pregnancy and her and Cohvu's impending wedding. The green woman especially was glad to be thinking of happier things again and she helped her best friend plan her wedding (which mainly meant trying to talk Galinda out of her more exuberant ideas) and all kinds of things baby-related, from possible names to the colours of the nursery. The blonde was starting to show by now and incredibly proud of it, purposefully wearing tight tops and T-shirts to show off her small bump to everyone she came across.

On Saturday evening, a little over two weeks after the disastrous gala in Quadling Country, Fiyero entered Elphaba's bedroom to find her already sprawled on the bed. That in itself wasn't so strange. What was strange, however, was the fact that she was wearing a black nightgown that was just a little shorter and sexier than anything she usually wore – not to mention the sultry smile she gave him when he entered.

"Hey," she said, twirling a strand of hair around her finger. "I was waiting for you."

He stared at her. Sure, he'd been sleeping in her room ever since she had returned from the hospital – none of her friends and family members had wanted her to be alone during the night – but he'd always made sure to stay on his side of the bed and to give her enough space. Somehow, he didn't think space was what she had in mind tonight.

At the confused look on his face, she smirked and sat up gingerly. "Okay, you can close your mouth now," she said. "Come here." She patted the bed beside her and he sat down, looking at her expectantly.

She took one of his hands in both her own. "I think you've treated me like I'm made of sugar long enough now," she said matter-of-factly. "I know you've been taking care of me and I know I had to be taken care of. I appreciate you doing that for me, Yero, you know that, but I can do almost everything by myself again by now and I need you to stop acting like I could fall apart at any given moment."

He looked sheepish now. "I was just trying to be careful."

"I know." She leaned in to kiss his cheek. "And I love you. But I don't want you to sleep on the other side of the bed anymore," she said, raising her eyebrows meaningfully.

He chuckled ruefully. "Trust me," he said. "I've had to keep myself from pulling you closer so many times, but I was afraid I'd hurt you."

"It's been two weeks," she pointed out and then she smiled impishly at him. "And you know what Blanca said. I think I'm allowed to jostle my stitches again," she teased and Fiyero flushed a little at the implications of that, but when she moved in to kiss him, he didn't object.

A little while later, he stretched out on his own side of the bed almost out of habit; but Elphaba tugged at him until he scooted over a little and put his arms around her, which made him chuckle. "Bossy, are we?"

"I'm the deputy mayor," she murmured against his chest, her eyes already closed. "The only one here in the City I can't boss around because he's higher in rank than I am is my dad."

He pressed a kiss to her hair. Deep down, though, her words stirred up some old insecurities and caused them to return to him full-force. She'd convinced him to stay for a while, taking away his guilt and telling him she loved him; but was that enough?

He'd always known he wasn't good enough for her. Ever since the very beginning. And even though she insisted he'd done his job well, he hadn't failed, she loved him, and he wasn't any less smart or worthy or important than she was… he knew those things weren't exactly true. He'd wondered for a while now what she saw in him. It had to be his good looks, because he didn't have much else going for him. What would people think about their relationship? They'd think her crazy for choosing someone like him. They would be right, too. She deserved so much better.

She mumbled something against his bare chest in her sleep, momentarily pulling him from his thoughts, and he looked down at her. Maybe it was selfish of him, but he didn't think he could bring himself to leave her, even if it would be for her own good. On the other hand, he also knew he loved her too much to saddle her with someone as useless as him, regardless of what she herself might think of him. Where did that leave him?

He thought of Xalo and his enthusiasm about Fiyero staying and perhaps becoming his father one day; and of Fawn, how much she was like her mother, and the way she'd cuddled up to him after her nightmare in the hotel in Quadling Country.

He had nothing to offer them, yet they all wanted them to stay. He couldn't imagine not being there for the twins' next birthday. The idea of not attending Cohvu and Galinda's wedding, or not seeing their baby once it was born, felt ridiculous. Somehow, along the way, he'd become a part of their family, so why did he still not feel like he belonged with them? Was that only his own insecurities holding him back or did it mean something more?

He eventually drifted off into a fitful sleep and when he awoke in the morning, he didn't feel much better. Elphaba, however, was already awake and watching him, an expression on her face he couldn't read.

"Are you okay?" she asked him. "You haven't slept well, have you?"

"I'm sorry, did I wake you?" he apologised and she shook her head.

"You did, a few times, but it's fine." She looked at him. "Did you have nightmares?"

He bit his lip. "Something like that."

She regarded him through narrowed eyes and he was a little afraid she'd be able to read his mind like that, so instead he distracted her by leaning in and pressing his lips against hers. Kissing proved to be a distraction she was quite willing to go along with, soon turning more heated, and so they didn't leave the bed until about an hour later. Fiyero's doubts, however, didn't disappear.

Over the course of the next few weeks, he tried to push those doubts away. He played with the twins, spent time with Oscar, Cohvu, and Galinda, and went on dates with Elphaba. She taught him to cook several other dishes and in return, he taught her some self-defence techniques – "Just in case," he said with a wry smile, which she returned. He had fun. He was happy. Yet deep down, there was always that nagging feeling of guilt, combined with that little voice in his head telling him he didn't belong here, he wasn't good enough for Elphaba and he never would be. He was only holding her back.

When he finally came to a decision, he ended up blurting it out over breakfast one day. "I'm leaving."

Oscar's fork clattered onto his plate. The twins stared at him. Elphaba didn't react at all; she only took another bit of scrambled eggs and said calmly, yet firmly, "No, you're not."

"I am," he countered, but she shook her head.

"I know what this is about, Fiyero, and it's ridiculous," she informed him flatly. "You're not leaving out of guilt. I won't let you. You have nothing to feel guilty about." She rose to her feet. "Are you done eating?" she asked the twins. "It's almost time for your lessons and you still need to get dressed."

Fawn and Xalo, however, did not move.

"Darlings," Elphaba said warningly. "Go upstairs and get dressed. You don't want to keep Uncle Cohvu waiting, do you?"

"But Fiyero…" Fawn started to protest.

"Fiyero will still be here when you get back," said Elphaba. "He's not going anywhere." She glanced at him. He stared back, unflinching, but she didn't yield, either.

The twins reluctantly left the room and Oscar subtly sneaked away as well, leaving Elphaba and Fiyero in the dining room together.

"You can't leave," she said.

He lifted his chin. "I can do whatever I want, Elphaba."

"You don't really want to, though, do you?" she asked him pointedly. "You feel like you have to. But that's nonsense. I knew something was up with you lately, but I thought you were getting over it." She sighed and buried her face in her hands. "You can't leave, Fiyero," she said again, softer this time. "I don't want you to leave."

"It'd be better if I did," he muttered. "For you, and the twins… for everyone. You can do better than the guy who allowed you to get shot, Fae."

Her eyes flamed. "You didn't allow me to get shot – I caught that bullet for you out of my own free will. Don't patronise me. I'm a grown woman and I can make my own decisions."

"Still," he insisted. "My presence here hasn't done you or your family any good. Quite the opposite, in fact. Can't you see that? I can never be what you need."

"And who are you to decide what I need?" she demanded hotly. "You don't get to choose for me, Fiyero."

He rose to his feet. "Yes, I do," he said calmly. He'd made his decision, regardless of how much it might hurt him. It was better in the long run. He wanted Elphaba to be happy and she would never be happy with him – she was too smart and he too stupid for that. They were just too different. Sooner or later, their infatuation with each other would wear off and he'd start annoying her somehow, and then she'd resent him and he'd have to leave after all. It was better if he left now, before either of them got too attached and before she could grow to hate him.

"I'm leaving," he told her, "and that's the end of it." With that, he left the room.

Elphaba wasn't planning on letting him go, of course. At least not without a fight. For now, however, she decided to give him some space and so she went to work, figuring she'd talk to him in a few hours.

By mid-morning, she was starting to feel queasy and an hour later, she was miserably hunched over the toilet, retching. She was just about to get up again when Galinda knocked on the door and came in, smiling sympathetically.

"Food poisoning," she said. She held up her phone. "That Vinkun ambassador you had dinner with last night at The Talk just called me to inform me he had food poisoning and he wanted to warn you, just in case. I already called the restaurant and they confirmed something went wrong. Lots of apologies, of course, but that doesn't really help you now." She shook her head. "Looks like you won't be working today, missy. Come on, off to bed with you."

"Can't," Elphaba croaked. "I have to talk to Fiyero."

Galinda raised her eyebrows. "Fiyero?"

Elphaba quickly explained the situation and Galinda softened. "I'll get him for you," she promised. "But you, Elphie, need to get to your bed." She paused as she helped Elphaba up. "Wait a clock-tick. Are you sure it's food poisoning?"

Elphaba blinked. "What else could it be?"

Galinda was beaming, eyes shining. "Morning sickness?"

"No," said Elphaba, watching her friend's face fall and rolling her eyes. "I just got my period last week, and I'm on the pill. I'm not pregnant, Galinda. I'm being very careful not to get another kid unless I'm in an actual, serious, long-lasting relationship this time, thank you very much." Her face contorted. "Although… do you think that if I tell Fiyero I'm pregnant, he might stay?"

"Elphaba!" Galinda said in shock and the green woman sighed.

"I know." She chuckled bitterly. "I wouldn't really do that. It's just… I really thought I'd finally found my actual, serious, long-lasting relationship, you know?"

Galinda rubbed her back. "I know," she said soothingly, grimacing as Elphaba bent over to retch into the toilet once again. "I still think you have. He's just insecure, and he feels guilty because he was responsible for protecting you. He feels like he failed. I know that you know that feeling, too."

Elphaba barked a mirthless laugh as she wiped her mouth and closed her eyes for a moment. "I do. I thought I was supposed to be the insecure one in this relationship, though."

Galinda smiled. "You both can be. And that's okay. As long as you don't let it hold you back." She helped her friend back to her feet and out of the bathroom, up the stairs, and into her own room. She fetched Elphaba a bucket, then helped her change into a pair of pyjamas and tucked her into the bed, a glass of water on the nightstand. "Do you need anything else?"

Elphaba shook her head. "Just Fiyero," she muttered and Galinda's face softened.

"I'll go get him right away."

The bodyguard came into the room not long thereafter, sinking down into the chair beside her bed and taking her hand in his. "Hey."

"Hey," she said, her voice hoarse. "We need to talk."

He shook his head. "We can talk when you're feeling better," he began, but she waved him away.

"It's food poisoning," she reminded him. "I'm not dying. Not this time, anyway," she added, ignoring the pained look on his face at that. "I can talk." She looked at him pointedly. "You're not getting out of this so easily."

"Do you think this is easy for me?" he demanded. "Fae, it's the hardest thing I'll ever do in my life, I already know that, but I have to. Don't you see?" he pleaded. "I can't bear you resenting me. I don't want you to hate me. I should leave now before we both end up getting hurt."

"Why are you so convinced this won't last?" she asked him. "What if we don't get hurt, Fiyero? What if we can make this work and be happy together?"

"We can't," he said, sounding as if he was stating a fact.

She glared at him, but then she had to quickly reach for her bucket so she could throw up into it again, which ruined the effect a little. Fiyero just rubbed her back and held back her hair without saying anything.

"Listen to me," he said quietly. "I love being with you, Elphaba. I love your entire family. But it's not enough. I don't belong here with you, and you… how could you ever choose me if the only other option you've known is a maniac who took advantage of you?"

"I know what – who – I'm choosing," she muttered, pushing the bucket aside. She studied him and her face fell. "But I also know that… no matter how many times I tell you that I want you to stay, that you shouldn't feel guilty, and that you're exactly what I need… it won't be enough. Not if you don't feel it yourself, deep down."

He nodded, lowering his gaze. "There's so much I feel guilty about," he admitted. "Being unable to save you, letting you get hurt, endangering you; but also holding you back."

She looked at him, puzzled. "Holding me back? What do you mean?"

"It doesn't matter." He squeezed her hand. "What I'm saying is that that guilt… it's going to keep eating at me if I stay here. It's going to make me act differently towards you in the long run and I told you – you'll resent me in the end. I can't bear that, Fae. You must understand that. I have to go and give you an actual choice."

"So if I let you go and I decide in a while that I choose you after all, you'll come back?" she asked him and he let out a breath.

"I don't know. I don't know if I can." He looked at her pleadingly. "I only know I can't stay right now."

She looked at him for a while longer and then she nodded, slowly, reluctantly, but she nodded. "I understand." Because she did. She could imagine his guilt because she knew that if she were in his position, she would most likely feel the same way. They were alike in that respect.

"Thank you," he said quietly. He urged her to get some rest, kissed her forehead, told her he loved her, and left the room.

Elphaba eventually fell asleep, but she was restless and woke up often, not just because she wasn't feeling well physically but also because there was a different feeling nagging at her. A feeling that told her she wasn't going to see Fiyero again. At some point, she asked Galinda to fetch him for her again. Twenty minutes later, the blonde returned, looking distraught, and Elphaba already knew.

"He's gone."

Galinda nodded, tears in her eyes, and handed Elphaba the short note he had apparently left for her in his room.

Dear Fae,

I know you'll hate me for doing this to you, but you must understand that I don't have a choice. I'm doing this for you, because I love you too much to hold you back. You deserve so much better than the disgraced son of the Tiggular family who was too stupid to even graduate university, even though he went to six different ones. Deep down, you must know that, too. You deserve someone who actually finished university and did great things with his life. One day, you'll find him and you'll be happy I let you go.

That's all I ever wanted, you know. For you to be happy.

Yours forever,

Fiyero

"Is that what he thinks?" Elphaba croaked, staring at the note in her hand. "That he's not good enough for me?"

Galinda bit her lip. "Apparently."

"Why didn't he say so? I thought it was just the guilt, but…" The dark-haired witch shook her head. "He's right. He is stupid, but not for the reasons he thinks he is."

Galinda touched her friend's arm. "I'm so sorry, Elphie."

Elphaba just crumpled the note into a ball, hurled it across the room, and then doubled over to retch into her bucket again.

Reviews may or may not bring Fiyero back. O:)