Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me. This song is by Peter Bradley Adams!
Author's Note: I'm so sorry I've been away for so long, dear readers. I went to Disney World with some family and a few close friends. I had a spectacular time and hope to do it again next summer, but I really missed writing this story with a passion. R&R!
When my blood runs warm with the warm red wine
I miss the life that I left behind
But when I hear the sound of the blackbird's cry
I know I left in the nick of time
Well, this road I'm on is gonna turn to sand
And leave me lost in a far off land
So let me ride the wind until I don't look back
Forget the life that I almost had
Being in a wolf pack was like riding a bicycle, but maybe in a really bizarre way—once Jacob finally got back on, it was surprisingly more simple than he remembered. Jacob's mind was no longer surrounded by other minds that thrived on the savagery behind a merciless kill, bitter about the existence of bloodsuckers in general, or hated being wolves. All of them had matured, or maybe they hadn't.
Maybe they were merely content with their lives. Happy.
Sam was a doting husband to Emily, a father of two (soon to be three) children, and had a life every simple man could only dream about. Jared and Kim had been happily married for a couple of years now and expecting their first child to pop out in a few months while Paul and Rachel were still enjoying a humble marriage, but they were discussing the right time to start a family. Claire, Quil's imprint, had recently turned ten and no longer found pouring rocks on his head to be the funniest thing in the world. Seth was engaged to Marguerite, and would be bride and groom in a total of seven days; it was all Seth could think about—elated and excited.
Happy, happy, happy.
Meanwhile, Embry, Brady, and Collin were expectedly sickened all the lovey dovey romance constantly spreading around, but they were nonetheless pleased by their with their own single lives for the time being; although, each of them looked forward to the possibility of finding an imprint someday.
If they ever found their imprint one day.
And then there was the luckiest of all the wolves, Leah, who shared in Renesmee Cullen's life, her secret hopes and her dreams, all the good times and bad times. Never in a million years would Jacob ever have considered himself jealous of Leah, but alas, that's the way it turned out.
"Hey there, Black," Paul barked, as the whole pack was already phased and wandered around the La Push area. His thoughts were meant to tease Jacob, replaying that kiss over and over again, exagerrating minor details such as where his hands were during the moment. "What was with the heavy lip action on Baby Cullen?"
Jared grinned, planting his butt on the ground. "I hope we weren't interupting anything hot and heavy."
What a liar. In fact, Jacob got the distinct impression Jared was quite satisfied that he and the others had ruined a moment between him and Nessie, or perhaps he was giddy that there was simply a moment to ruin.
"By the looks of it, we kind of were," Embry chortled lightly, casting a knowing wink toward Jacob.
"What happened, Jacob?" Seth questioned, genuinely concerned, confused, and curious. "The other day you couldn't wait to be away from Ren. You were all but jumping down her throat."
Paul somehow felt the need to how at that and couldn't resist the unintentional innuendo, causing Leah to cringe. "I bet you wish you were all the way down her throat, huh, Jacob?"
Both Leah and Jacob growled at this immature joke, glaring at Paul in a heated fury. Neither one of them appreciate the way that sounded. Paul made it sound like Nessie was nothing more than a sexual conquest.
"Buzz off, Paul," the would-be Alpha snarled darkly at the gray wolf, baring his fangs. Whatever was happening between him and Nessie wasn't anyone elses business.
"Ah, you're just being a prude because you know it's true," Embry laughed suggestively. That damn traitor.
Subsequently, Jacob attempted, with much difficulty, to not allow the memory of his manhood engulfed in the half-human half-vampires woman's mouth,coaxing him to climax over her dancing tongue, to flash through his mind. His mouth, however, watered and he swallowed back a lusty lump of desire. The imagery alone set his pores on fire, but shook it out of his head before anyone could see.
"So, do you want to tell us about it, man?" Quil inquired, a slight taunting seasoned in his tone. "You might as well. We caught plenty of the show."
What show? All they did was kiss!
"Ugh," Leah scoffed, rolling her eyes, "can we not?"
"No, even I'm curious about it," Sam answered, smiling at Jacob, who was increasingly weary of all of his friends suddenly so damn inquisitive of what was a matter that was soley between him and Nessie. "How did you two go from being arch enemies to becoming roomies?" Near lovers. . .
"He loves her," Quil retorted, matter-of-factually, shrugging as though that fact was blatant and written down in a history book somewhere.
"I really wish everyone would stop assuming how I feel about Nessie," Jacob huffed, though his heart instantly betrayed him. It began to race a mile a second, roaring with a needy ferocity that left his brain in a dizzy stupor; he was sure that only Nessie was able to soothe his aching heart.
Was this what a heart attack felt like?
He inwardly cursed himself for not exercising control in front of his nosy pack brothers.
Bitches.
"Oh, puh-leeze, Black," Jared jeered sardoincally, waving his paw back and forth. "Love isn't rocket science."
"Ew," Leah commented, scrunching up her nose in disgust; Jacob wanted to get the hell over and move on already, or maybe he could simply knock some sense into her. "Don't even think about it. I'll make you wish that your father had worn a better condom," the she-wolf cautioned, crouching low to the ground.
"Oh, I'm so scared."
"Shut up!"
"Yeah. . . I'm with Leah on this one," Brady agreed with a small shrug. "Sorry, buddy. Nessie is way too good for you."
"What, like she'd really fall for you?" Collin asked, shaking his head to and fro.
"It could happen."
"Only in your dreams, bro."
"Yeah, mostly. . ."
Oh, god.
And then everyone caught a shameful glimpse into Brady's late night dreams, the wet ones—Nessie's body pressed right up against his, Nessie with her auburn tendrils splayed all over his pillow, the sweet taste of Nessie's naked porcelain flesh lingering on his tongue, and Nessie moaning Brady's name as her face contorted into a dazed, blissful expression.
Without realizing it, a low rumble eminated from the russet wolf's chest, dangerous and possessive and instinctive. Nessie was Jacob's, only his. Nobody else would ever be allowed to touch her like that.
"Double ew," Leah remarked.
"Ahem." Sam patted the dirt softly, scraping the ground against his sharp claws as he gained back Jacob's attention. "The point I was trying to make is that. . . Well, you know, why else would you be doing all this crap for Ren if you're not in love with her? Out of the goodness of your heart? C'mon. We all saw the way you looked at her."
"True that," Jared nodded. If he wasn't phased into a giant wolf, he would have been smirking like a smug son of a bitch right about now. It was amazing he and Paul weren't biological brothers. "Like a blind man seeing the sun for the first time."
Yet still, Jacob was determined to deny it the public, even though they all knew he was lying. "It's not like that."
"There's no shame in loving Ren, Jacob," Sam stated, sharing a quick memory of Renesmee with Jacob—of her as a small child skipping around his house and passing around heart-shaped lollipops for Valentine's Day. "She is always a little ray of sunshine. You obviously don't care anymore if she's part-vampire and that she's a Cullen, so what's your real problem?"
"Maybe it's the age difference. I mean, he's definitely robbing the cradle." Paul suggested. "Jake is twenty-four and Ren is eight."
"Nah, it's can't be that," Embry replied, shaking his head, when actually that detail rarely crossed Jacob's mind. There was no trace of a mere young girl in Nessie. "Let's face it—Nessie's not exactly your typical eight year-old brat. She's probably smarter than most people in their wise age, more mature than any of us-"
"Speak for yourself," Leah muttered with a playful sneer, but nodded along. She was proud of her imprint.
"And Ren is hot," Collin added on Embry's deliberation.
"Really hot," Brady grinned with a wolfish, wide grin. Again, he started fantasizing about a very exposed Nessie, and it was all Jacob could do not to clobber the little git. "Man, what I would do for her to wake up in my bed all happy and exhausted from a great night of long, raunch fu-"
"Hey, cool it, dude," Jacob warned, precariously growling at the younger shape-shifter.
"My bad."
Nobody would ever touch his Nessie in the same manner he would, or he hoped so at least. Nobody would ever bring her to the precipace of Cloud Nine and back that way he could. Nobody would ever love her the way he did. Not ever.
Nessie was Jacob's one to cherish, with every simple kiss and with every burning touch, he would prove himself to her, though she would always deserve far better than anything he could give her; Nessie was Jacob's one to protect and love for the rest of his life, whether it lasted forever or ended tomorrow; Nessie was Jacob's one.
His, his his.
With a sharp sigh, Jacob reigned in the chaos of his thunderous inner words. Or tried to anyway. He already knew that Renesmee would never go for Brady, he was absolutely certain that she must have felt somewhat of the same way for him—not for Brady, not for Nahuel, not for anybody else, but for him. Although, there was still a chance, a monumental one, that she wasn't in love with him, like he was with her.
No. Wait a minute. Wait, wait! He mentally rewound his contempation, but it was too late. The damage was done. No. It was a mistake.
Jacob did not love Nessie. He did not love her. He did not love her.
"Say that as many times as you want, bro. That won't make the feelings go away," Paul chortled lightheartedly.
"I don't love her," Jacob insisited futilely. "Just because she's beautiful, smart, and funny doesn't mean that she has reeled my heart in on her hook."
"But you can't stop thinking about her," Jacob countered.
"Well, maybe that's because you morons can't stop thinking about her, and you're trying to manipulate me into admitting something that I could never actually mean." Was that a lie? Oh, hell yes. "I'm beginning to think you meatheads are in love with Nessie." They better not be.
"Nah," Jared replied.
There was a resounding of agreement amongst the majority of the Quileute wolf pack.
Suddenly, the world was spinning and all Jacob could see was Kim's delicate, copper hands stroking affectionately over her bare, potruding stomach, Rachel smiling almost blindingly at Paul whenever he returned home, Emily indulging her and Sam's mischievous children in a game that involved a lot of chasing on her part, Marguerite mock dancing to a hip-hop song on the passenger's side of Seth's car, and Claire making sandcastles on First Beach.
Jacob could only remember a time when he envied the power of the imprint—the irrevocable, undeniable fire to having a real soul mate—how the universe made sense because of just one person's existence, how each mistake and each accomplishment meant something, how nobody could really predict when they were going to fall in love with their one and only, and all that junk. At one point, it was all he ever wanted, except for wanting to end up with Bella. Long ago, imprinting was all his heart could think to want, to be sickeningly sweet in love with some random girl and settle down, start a family and whatever.
But then, a half-human half-vampire girl happened to his life. He didn't care about imprinting anymore, going as far to dread it. He wanted Nessie. His love must have been the equivalent to the phenomenon—possibly stronger. If he ever did imprint, Jacob was secretly sure that she had no chance in hell of comparing to Nessie, though, the notion frightened him.
Could there be another, hidden reason to why Jacob denied Renesmee his heart without relent? Could he have actually been waiting for someone else—someone better? Was there a better, greater, truer, deeper love destined to find him one day out of the blue? His imprint? His soul mate? The right girl? Would his love for Renesmee eventually become miniscule like Sam's love for Leah?
None of that seemed likely, actionable however. Meeting and knowing Nessie couldn't have just been a fortunate coincidence, right? Right.
Still, there was Leah, on the other hand, who continuosly forced the thought on Jacob; he would inevitably hurt her.
"What if he imprints? That girl would be his whole world," Leah elucidated, recalling herself watching Sam becoming so enraptured with Emily that he seemingly erased all the things they shared as a man and woman who once couldn't get enough of each other. She pictured Jacob harming her imprint in the same way; in turn, and thanks to the pack mind, so did Jacob. "I know from experience that surviving a heartbreak isn't exactly a piece of cake. It sucks. I don't know want that to happen to her, too. Ren hasn't done anything wrong to anyone, and all of you care about her almost as much as I do. Do we really want to see her suffer over a quick fling?"
Crap. There was that word again.
Hesitantly, Jacob confessed that he understood Leah's perspective. He didn't yearn to hurt Nessie; he didn't want to make her bitter; and he definitely didn't want to replace her either.
"Jacob won't imprint on anybody," Sam said reassuringly.
"You can't possibly know that," Leah growled tempermentally, looking at her ex-boyfriend as if he was a cartoon character.
"I do. It's like Jared said. Jacob is the blind man and Nessie is the sun, he gave her that same look that first day, too," Sam explained, laughing at the image of Jacob and Nessie glaring at each other, despite that there was a lazily concealed love scratching at the surface. "We all saw that look then, as well." That look, the one in which a man blatantly reveals that he was abruptly unable to live the rest of his life without a certain woman. "You can fall in love as many times as your heart will let you, but you'll only ever give and get that look once in a lifetime." Sam loved Leah. Everyone had known that, but he never gave her that special goo-goo eyed look that reserved for Emily, and Emily alone.
"There is a once in a lifetime opportunity, a one and only if you will for everybody. Nessie is Jacob's," Quil added, certain of what Sam's meaning.
"Nessie isn't my one," Jacob retorted, positive on that. If she was, he would have imprinted on her.
"Hey, Jake, if you want to be miserable and lonely for the rest of your life, you just keep telling yourself that," Paul joked slightly, but was mostly serious. "I still think you should be honest with her, even if you can't be honest with yourself. She's the one. . . that has to put up with you. Doesn't she deserve that from you at least?"
"I don't love her," which was a damn, flipping lie, "but that doesn't mean I don't care about her."
"Okay, so can someone please explain to me what any of this has to do with defeating that evil Bambi thing?" Leah complained.
"Leah's right," Sam admitted reluctantly, rolling his eyes. "It's time to get down to business. What we know about this golden hind is that she wants revenge and she's fast—faster that we are. I honestly don't know what we're going to do."
"We already patrol for vampires and this stupid thing," Embry mentioned in a mild complaint. "Why change the routine?"
"Because Nessie was almost killed by that yellow butt," Jacob retorted, and they all flinced when he recalled the shrill shriek of Renesmee's frightened voice reviberating throughout the forest. "None of what we're doing is enough. None of this can take this lightly. Faethra is a real threat, and I don't know. . . We can't be careless. What we probably need to do is double the search parties, take longer hours, and always have a Cullen nearby."
Hmm, that seemed like a smart course of action, without being too bossy.
"You mean, let them on our lands permanently?" Sam queried.
"Yeah," Jacob answered. "Maybe Edward or Emmett."
"Isn't having Nahuel around enough?" Brady grumbled in a tone of annoyance, probably out of jealousy.
"No. There's strength in numbers."
"But, Jacob," Jared began in desperation, and Jacob felt the poor guy's heart drop to his stomach like a stone. "We all have jobs and-"
"I know, Jared," Jacob interupted in full understanding. He couldn't relate to them directly, but a sharp pang stung his own heart when he thought of being away from his not-girlfriend for too long. How could he manage the heartache of separation if he went back to Seattle? "You have imprints."
"The Alpha has spoken, Jared," Sam said, exhaling through his wet nostrils. "The sooner we catch this golden hind, the sooner we can get back to our real lives."
Incentinve. Imprinting.
"Alpha?" Jacob repeated increduously, astounded by his old friend's relent on power. He wasn't ready for that position, because. . . Well, for a number of reasons; mainly, he just didn't want it. "But I don't wanna be the Alpha!"
"Calm down," Sam muttered, mentally rolling his eyes. "It's only temporary until you leave again."
Ouch. Even he belived Jacob would walk out on Nessie.
"Fine," Jacob shrugged, feining nonchalance. "Seth, are you still planning on getting married this week?"
"Yeah, why?"
"Okay. Well, you might have a lot of last-minute planning todo in such a short time," Jacob presumed rightly. He was willing to allow Seth that time to prepare everything with Madge in that week.
"No way," Seth replied immediately. "I'm a guy, remember? I don't know anythng about weddings."
"True."
"Marguerite and Nessie have that all under control. Nobody is doing my share of the work."
"Are you sure?" Jacob asked, but he already knew the answer. He could always count on Seth for support, understanding, and loyalty.
"Yes, Jacob," Seth responded, giving the rightful Alpha a reassuring nod. "Madge and I consider Nessie to be a part of our family. We would have be devastated if the hind took her away. Losing her is out of the question."
Jacob smiled. "Thanks, man."
"Anytime."
"Now what?" Paul inquired, unhappy of this new arrangement, but committed himself to dealing with it.
"Sam, Jared, Paul, and Collin will stay on La Push for now while Seth, Embry, and I scout in Forks for Faethra," Jacob elucidated, glancing between them, and tried his best to behave like an Alpha would.
"Wait a minute, Boss Man," Brady started, slightly irritated that his new Alpha didn't even think to give him a task. "I'll take your place. Leah and I can alternate. Don't forget that you're still Nessie's main protector, at the moment. Go hang out with her."
"Her name isn't Nessie," Leah stated dryly.
"Yeah. We'll call you when we need you," Sam agreed, ignoring Leah's previous remark.
Who was Jacob to argue with that logic? "Sure, sure. Thanks. See you later."
As finally ran away from his pack and home to Nessie, the wind picked up to a cool, fast, wavy, ever-flowing breeze, blowing his russet fur along. It felt different somehow, like a last breath mingling with the dark pigments of his skin, entering through his thawing heart, and encountering his damned soul—damned, if only for falling in love with a girl that happened to be a Cullen descendant. There was a new pain, almost a bleeding hurt within, inflicted upon the squeezing valves of his heart, and he couldn't understand why.
Why, despite all the crap she put him through, didn't Bella choose him? Why did he got to Seattle and not Michigan, California, or something place in Canada? Why didn't he want to go further away? Why couldn't he imprint? Why was trying to give his heart to Nessie so damn difficult? Why was she always so familiar to him? Why did he feel like that he actually knew her?
His legs moved faster, trailing after the carrying wind and closer to her, the girl he knew that he was never meant to be with. But damn it all to hell, every fiber of his being needed her heart in return, and he knew that she would give it to him freely, without reservations, because she was born to love. Although, it would be too hypocrital of him to just take it when he couldn't give her his own. Jacob was close—so close, too close—that his self was slipping right out of his hands and into hers. The closer he got, though, to finally telling Renesmee the truth, the more he thought this love was impossible—crazy-and he wanted to clutch his sanity.
They were all just sitting around now, with a death sentence hanging over each of their heads like a thick, heavy rain cloud.
Alice, the Cullen's personal psychic, had foreseen it all, the peril they were in. The Volturi, was was the vampire version of a government according to Edward, had been wrongly informed that the Cullens had created an immortal child, and it was only a matter of time until the so-believed immortal child was to be terminated, along with her family. Alice saw it and warned them, but was gone the next morning with Jasper in tow.
Renesmee hadn't taken it so well when Bella and Edward had broken the news to her, and spent the better part of the day sobbing into multiple family member's tee shirts. When Jacob had been told of everything, he initially could only feel bitter. The little girl, sweet and innocent Nessie, was harmless. Anyone who stopped to give her a real chance would know that. She was wonderful—always smiling and ready to play. Why couldn't these bloodsuckers see her the way she was?
But then, catching sight of his imprint's glistening eyes had softened him up instantly. His heart could barely handle it, and when Nessie begged him to stay, Jacob came very close to crying, too. How could he refuse her? Rosalie took the sad girl away from him, as everyone tried to comfort her. Eventually, she calmed down before dinner time, so Esme could get some food into her. Now, she was busy at the counter, drawing and coloring, while everyone else recounted Alice and Jasper's departure.
Edward pace back and forth, stroking his fingers through his reddish-brownish locks and gently pulled at the roots. "I can't believe they just left like that."
"Who? Alice and Jasper?" As soon as the question left Jacob's mouth, he wished he could take it back, but his thoughts were blurry and scattered.
His attention was entirely focused on Nessie, expecting another break down at any minute. She seemed okay. Okay, but not her normal happy self. There was a tight frown etched on her tiny face, her cheeks were still flushed from the drying stream of sorrow, and she wasn't frollicking all over the place.
"No, dog," Edward muttered sarcastially. "Han Solo and Chewbacca. Of course Alice and Jasper!"
"Take it easy, Edward."
"Oh. Sorry, Jacob. I. . ."
"Don't sweat it. I know."
"Thank you."
"The mutt's scent must have finally scared them off," Rosalie scoffed, wrinkling her nose as she walked by to bring Nessie a glass of water. It was a half-hearted insult, he could tell by the way she couldn't make eye contact with anyone.
He played along with her, like nothing was wrong because their daily bickering was routine for Nessie. "Stuff it, Blondie."
"Go home, mongrel," she replied.
"Make me," Jacob fired back.
"Be nice, you two," Esme chided them, looking like she could use a nap, if only she could take one. "A sweet, little girl is present."
Nessie glanced up from her drawing, managing a small simper for her strigoi grandmother. Esme blew a kiss at her and winked.
"We all miss them, but why did they leave?" Bella inquired, staring off into space.
"Maybe they couldn't handle the pressure of dyi-" Jacob stopped mid-sentence when Edward and Bella glanced at him, and he gulped. "I mean, danger. It's a really big sacrifice, even if you love someone more than your own life."
"I don't think so," Emmett said. "They love the little bug. Japser and Alice just doesn't make any sense."
Jacob exhaled. "Yeah, it does."
"You have exceptional experience in skipping town when the going gets rough, don't you, fleabag? Not that any of us would be distressed if you did that again," Rosalie huffed, fluttering to her husband's side, who wrapped his arms around her waist from behind and rested his chin on her shoulder.
Nessie's frown deepened, fixating on Jacob in sadness.
"She's joking, sweetheart," Edward cut in automatically, before a single tear could escape. "Jacob would never leave you."
"Exactly," Jacob vowed, grinning at his favorite girl midget. She looked away, and that hurt him. "What I'm trying to say is that all of you were human once, too, and the natural human instinct is to head the other direction when there's danger."
"I guess leaving is easier when you're not responsible for another life," Edward said dubiously.
"Tell me about it," Jacob mumbled, and puffed out a breath. "I'm an Alpha now. I have to tell others how to survive, and if I mess up my mistakes could potentially cost an innocent's life or the life of my pack brothers." Not a simple business. Yes, he had way more freedom and was happy that he didn't have to follow Sam around anymore, but that meant more responsibilites. "I'm required to have all this assurance and belief in myself that I don't have most of the time."
"I believe in you, Jacob," came Nessie's voice chipperly. A big grin spread acrossed Jacob's expression like butter. It was a seldom occurance when Nessie utilized her voice since she still prefered to practice her power, but when she did, she strategized her words carefully. She never said anything that she didn't mean.
Jacob walked over to her. Nessie hopped off the chair and opened her arms up for Jacob's massive frame, then hugged him around his neck. "Thanks for the voite of confidence, kiddo."
Home. To her. To his Nessie. That's where he was—where he wanted to be most in the world, where he belonged.
Before he could enter through the door, he could smell the sweet strawberry scent of the her. It intoxicated him, illuminating his senses to beckon him even further to her—a few, mere steps. His heart thumped audibly, speeding up to the point he where his temperature skyrocketed. Jacob could feel his palms start to sweat in a familiar anticipation. He was drowning in his own head, the world tossed and turned as his vision churned until his hand extended toward the doorknob, and opened the door wide. Nessie sat on the couch, setting a book down on the coffee table as she smiled, and put the sun the same; it was dull in comparison. The mystified, stupified shape-shifter attempted to return the smile, but failed. She studied Jacob, concerned. Her lips moved, asking him a question, but he couldn't hear the words.
Jacob's knees gave out, his eyes rolling to the back of his head as his body hit the ground. And for one second, a second that meant nothing at all, he could remember everything.
If I wonder til I die
May I know whose hand I'm in
If my home I'll never find
And let me live again
The longer I run
The less I find
Selling my soul for a nickel and dime
Breaking my heart to keep from singing these rhymes
And losing again