Chapter 36

Peter had been put down for his afternoon nap and Joan had left. Louisa came downstairs, where Martin was solemnly staring into thin air. Louisa looked through the French windows. Without trying to make eye contact, Martin quietly asked. "Can we talk now?"

Louisa sighed. She had dreaded this moment the whole day long. It could only end in disaster, but couldn't be avoided either. Neither of them tried to face the other, each one staring into their own direction. "I think I was pretty rubbish today, don't you think, Louisa?"

Louisa was surprised. Martin admitting that he had caused the confusion was not like him. He never would have done that without good reason and so free-willingly before he had left to London. "Do you still think it's a good idea that you let me back into your life?"

Louisa didn't answer for quite a while. Martin just waited, didn't push, but he grew more and more nervous the longer the silence endured. Louisa had actually thought about it during the afternoon, and hadn't quite come up with an answer yet.

"I think we just have to try for a bit longer to make things work, don't you?" She finally answered.

"That's quite elusive. I want an honest answer. I promise not to be offended."

"Actually, I had my doubts today, but I promised to try. I won't give up just yet."

"But is it fair to Peter? I feel so guilty because I can see how happy he is when he's with you or Joan. Then you insist on us being together, and he's all timid and shy. I don't blame him, don't get me wrong, but I feel sorry for him."

"Don't take it personally. He's a very shy boy generally. He doesn't know you well enough to trust you yet."

"Don't try to play it down. I did everything today to scare him away. It's just – "

"Just what?"

"I have no clue why he acts the way he does. I don't understand him at all. I see that the life of the three of you is perfectly organised and I doubt there's a place for me."

"We have to find one and that takes time." Finally Martin stood up, awkwardly stalking through the room, finally approaching Louisa.

"It's just - it seems to fulfil my worst fears – that Peter could have a good life, as long as I don't get involved. That I will make life miserable for him." Now Louisa turned around, facing Martin.

"Don't say that. It's just difficult to start with. The relationship between Peter and me is just two years ahead of yours. There are moments when I actually had hopes it could work."

"Just name one."

"Last week the picnic went down pretty well. And building the tower together, that wasn't too bad either, was it?"

"And it ended in tears. And I felt – silly."

"Did you enjoy any time with your son at all?"

"I…don't know." Martin thought about the few encounters with his son. "Actually, when he came eagerly towards you at the picnic – he looked so happy. I hoped he could have a good life. And watching him play while we were still at the breakfast table. I liked that."

"But not doing anything with him? You didn't like that at all?" Martin was quiet. It was after quite a while when he finally answered.

"Somehow it didn't feel right. He didn't want me to. I was doing things I know I'm not good at. I couldn't help thinking that he would be more happy being with you."

"So what are you saying ? That you don't want to come anymore?"

"No! It's not that. I just don't want to make life miserable for Peter. So when you think it would be best I stay away from him, I will."

"What would you prefer?"

"I admit that I wasn't always quite happy today, I felt like a fish out of water, but it wasn't half as bad as I felt in London on my own. I would like to find out how it is to have a family. I just realise that I haven't the slightest clue how."

"So you're prepared to try?"

"I sure am, but not at Peter's sake."

"One more thing – why did you come back? Just because of me or both of us?"

"I love you and I need you. I told you that."

"So it was just for me then, and you're putting up with Peter as part of the bargain?"

"I hadn't finished. That was not all. I had this recurring dream, about our child, and it was only a ghostly figure. I had to find out more to be able to sleep again."

Louisa looked at Martin in disbelief. She realised that she had just got an idea of how desperate he had been.

"So you do care?"

"Of course I do. I just don't know how. It's far more difficult than I had imagined."

"Oh, Martin! Can't you just enjoy Peter's company without wanting to prove anything?"

A quizzical look from Martin made it quite clear that he didn't understand what she meant.

"You can't enjoy yourself at all, can you?"

"I relish every moment that we are together – when we're not quarrelling, that is."

"Yes, but just doing something for you? Treat yourself to something you enjoy?"

"Like what?" Louisa sighed again.

"That's really sad, you know. You're just centred on duty, aren't you? There's nothing else for you, is there?"

"Like what?"

"Oh, I don't know. A passion, some fun, something you enjoy for yourself. Something you do to relax. Something like that."

"Eeeeh…no. But what has that to do with Peter?"

"You're playing with him out of duty, to please me – but not to spend time with him. Maybe I'm rushing you and you can't find your way. What would you like to do with Peter?"

A long silence. Martin tried to think of anything that you can do with a child that age, but could think of nothing.

"You have no idea, have you?"

"I'm sorry. I really am."

"I think your problem is that you never have been a proper child. You might have been two years old – in fact must have been, even though it's hard to imagine – but you never acted like a child."

"I…don't know. I tried to do what was expected of me." Louisa rolled her eyes.

"And now you expect Peter to act like you want him to?"

"That's not what I'm saying. I see how happy he is being with you. I want him to be happy."

"That's a good start, Martin. Not bad at all. I'm sure time will show what activities will suit you, and which won't."

"So you wouldn't mind if I come down here again next weekend?"

"I suppose if it will ever work, then it would be essential for you to turn up regularly."

"Promise me that you will never allow me to harm Peter."

"Of course. Nothing really bad happened today. Just try not to lose your temper when he's around and keep your voice down. And don't expect too much. He's not even two, yet. His brain is just developing, as you well know. As we are talking about it – how about his bedtime routine tonight?"

"I will not sing. Sorry, but no way."

"And reading the story?"

"Only if you give it to me beforehand. I will not read a text aloud which I don't know."

"That can be easily arranged. So you'll do it?"

"I'll try, but I'm afraid Peter won't like it. I don't know how to make stories interesting."

Louisa thought about it. She really wanted Martin to do it, but he had a point. If he stiffly read the story to Peter, it might end up being unpleasant again.

"Know what, Martin? Why don't we share the read? You read the narrator and Papa Bear, I read the rest." Papa Bear was rather a stern figure anyhow. That should come quite naturally. The rather excited Baby Bear and some other animals he encountered in the woods were by far livelier, but her higher voice wouldn't be in the way there.

"You think that'll work? I'd rather have you around, to be honest."

"That'll work just fine. I'll just scan the text for you and mark the lines you have to read. Peter will be delighted. He'll almost have an audio play that way." Louisa's mood was also lightened, and she rushed upstairs to get the book. After Martin's copies were marked, he eagerly took the sheets to look what he was supposed to do. He still thought this kind of story was utmost silly, but if that was all he had to do to make peace, he would comply.

While he was still studying his text, Peter grew active upstairs. He was fit for new adventures now. Louisa heard her little son getting restless and asked Martin: "Do you want to get him downstairs, please?"

Martin was shocked. He dreaded what she still might have in store for him. As he didn't want to cause more trouble, he went upstairs. Peter looked thoroughly disappointed, but soon decided that it was better if this Daddy carried him downstairs, than to have to spend more time in bed. So Martin got his little son carefully up. He still was not confident about it and feared he might do something wrong. Finally he made his way downstairs, trying not to tumble, hit his head or let Peter fall. When he was downstairs he let his son down and Peter headed again straight towards Louisa. Martin quickly turned towards the bedtime story, to look busy and not being dragged into action again.

Louisa realised that and sat down with Peter to play happily along with him. The afternoon went by pleasantly, and Martin had secretly replaced his reading with some fascinating article.

Finally it was time to prepare tea and Martin was only too glad to offer to do the cooking. He felt safe as he was far too busy to play with Peter. Martin didn't know that Louisa had already decided that Martin as well as Peter had gone through enough for one day and just needed a little rest.

What suited Martin most about having Peter around was that the family meals couldn't be eaten too late. So well before Martin's carbohydrate curfew, the little family gathered around the kitchen table. Louisa and Peter were chatting happily. Martin enjoyed their presence silently. Louisa enjoyed that some of the everyday tasks were very happily taken over by Martin.

After the meal they spent some time together before it was time for Peter's bedtime routine.

Louisa let Martin carry Peter upstairs. Peter was not the lightest of children and if someone stronger than herself could carry him, she wasn't going to object. While Louisa disappeared into the bathroom with Peter, Martin got a second chair and placed it next to Louisa's. He had a glance at the text again.

Peter was finally ready. Louisa placed him in his little bed. Then she sat beside the bed and gestured Martin to sit next to her.

"Well, Peter, today I have a little help from your Daddy to read your bedtime story." Then she nodded towards Martin to begin. As some director once said, the main achievement in directing is the casting. The passages Martin had to read were perfectly suited to him, so the whole story was very enjoyable to Peter. Martin looked over to Louisa for approval from time to time, and when she noticed it, she smiled towards him. When the story was finished, Louisa bent over Peter, placed the blanket carefully over him, kissed his forehead and said: "Sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite."

Suddenly Martin got up, too. "Louisa, do you think I should…could…"

Louisa smiled at Martin. "Just ask Peter."

"Eeehm…Peter, would you mind if I…uuummm…a goodnight kiss…too?"

Peter looked shyly towards his mother, but then nodded.

Martin bent down, stroked Peter's hair and placed a shy and gentle kiss onto his forehead. "Sleep well." Louisa could see that Martin was swallowing hard.

Then they sat down again for Louisa to sing the good-night song. She reached over to take Martin's hand into hers. When she had finished, both got up and left the room quietly, Louisa still holding Martin's hand. When the door was closed, Louisa turned around to face Martin.

"Is it really so difficult to be a father?"

"Something to get used to, I suppose."

"You did that quite well."

"Thanks very much, but I'm perfectly capable of reading. Since primary school, actually."

"Peter liked that he got a goodnight kiss from both of us. Thanks for that."

"You really think he didn't mind it too much? I don't know what came over me, but I suddenly felt the urge to…"

"Oh, Martin." She ran her fingers through his hair. "Of course he didn't mind. I also know what came over you – you started to feel like a father."

"Strange really, it's just the third day that I've seen him."

"Yes, but he is your son! Good for you that it makes a difference."

"Maybe it's also because he looks so much like me. Looking into his eyes is so very strange."

"I told you, you didn't give me a chance to forget you. You'll make a wonderful father."

"You're kidding."

"Even now you are far better than any father we ever had."

"Thanks very much, but that is not really a comparison, is it?"

"You will turn out fine."

"We'll see. I'll work on it"

To be continued…