Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended.
Beta'd by HollettLA.
NOTE: So conflicted, Bella's thoughts are supposed to seem jumbled.
Warning: Sensitive subjects, which may be a trigger to some folks.
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Chapter Thirty-Five
Bella POV
As soon as I locked the door, I moved over to the window to watch Edward walk up the block.
He has such a cute ass.
I'd felt his bare-ass nights ago.
It's totally fucking solid.
I smiled like a lunatic, hugging the drape to my chest.
Last night was amazing. We didn't do anything, but it was nice to have someone to talk to—to open up to and shit. We cuddled, snuggled, and he was sporting a stiffy in the morning.
Before I left his bedroom, I might have grazed his dick with my hand—my mouth watering—and he never woke up.
Nevertheless, I had morning breath, and I needed to leave his room before Jasper noticed I was in there.
When Edward was no longer in sight—he'd turned the corner—I heaved a heavy sigh, my face falling.
I'm torn between what could make me happy and what would ultimately kill me.
I feel as though I'm an inch away from both, teetering in the middle.
I know Edward is confused.
He seems to be worrying about Jasper, and that's all.
While I don't know what he truly feels for me, I had my own demons to sort through.
I was Jake's before Edward came back.
But I hoped that was truly over now.
Edward's presence gave me something to fight for.
Because I want him . . . I want to be his girl. I actually want a future now—a future filled with hand-holding, kissing, loving, and making love to Edward.
I couldn't remember ever wanting any of that with Jake.
Never.
Jake has refused to part with me many times—every time I've tried to break up with him—so I succumbed to staying with him, realizing that all I'd ever know was his love, his version of love, my misery.
I was resigned, trapped, thinking Jake was it for me.
But Edward...
I couldn't be with Jake anymore—no matter the cost, no matter the injury—I was done with Jake.
I was happy when I first got together with Jake. Sadly, that only lasted for a few weeks. We seemed to have the same sense of humor. We joked and hung out a lot, always laughing. But the closer we got—the longer we were together—the more he changed.
Maybe I wasn't as mature as my friends, where boys were concerned. Gram never told me anything. Jasper would never have that talk with me. I knew of the mechanics, how it all worked from Health class when they focused on Sex-Ed.
But...I knew nothing about the rest of it? Feelings and whatnot, I guess.
All I could go off of was what my friends were saying. They all told me to do it, without a doubt, to have sex with my boyfriend.
Because it's so great . . .
Then there was Jake, who was obviously all for it, pressuring me and shit. Jake was a man. He wasn't a high school boy.
But no matter what anyone said, I was still undecided.
After remembering what my Gram always said: If you don't know what to do, don't do anything at all. I decided that I wasn't ready.
I was scared and I didn't want to, not yet.
I wasn't ready.
The same day I came to that conclusion, Jake told me that we had to . . . had to do it.
I'd said no, hoping he'd understand, but then we'd argued.
Jake stopped asking, the slap to my cheek stopped the argument, and he didn't ask me again.
Jake just . . .
I still said no. I didn't want it.
But . . .
Jake said he was my boyfriend. He said couples have sex and I believed him. He'd done nothing wrong.
I'd always imagined what it'd be like . . .
Not like that, though.
Not . . . like that.
I remembered being in a mass amount of pain afterward, feeling gross, and begging Jasper to let me stay home from school the next morning.
I'd lied, said I kept crying because I missed Gram. She'd just passed away not even a month prior, so my brother believed me. Well, it wasn't all a lie. I missed my grandmother something fierce.
Jasper let me stay home where I hid in my room until the following day.
That was the first time, my first time. I'd expected pain with losing my virginity, but...not like that.
No matter what Jake said, everything inside me told me that what we did was wrong.
It wasn't supposed to be like that.
I needed to tell someone, but I didn't.
When I'd finally left my bedroom, I'd put on tons of makeup, had gone to school, and I'd giggled as I'd lied about it.
I felt like I was dying inside, telling Alice about the candles, the champagne . . . the shit I saw in a fucking movie once.
There was no way I could tell her the truth. There was no way I could tell anyone.
I wanted to tell Jasper so badly, but when he saw the bruise on my cheek, he went ballistic. I assured him it was just me being clumsy, and he bought it. According to my brother, I'm a total klutz. But I'm really not.
Last night, when Edward figured out the truth, I panicked—had to make something up so he'd drop it. There's no way I could tell him. Edward—he'll probably think I'm dirty, disgusting. He'd look at me differently, and that can't happen—not Edward.
Even last year, if I'd made a fuss, Jasper would go after Jake . . . Jake would kill him.
And I'd be alone.
All because I was a whiny bitch. That's what Jake had called me, said I was making a big deal out of nothing—I'd fucked my boyfriend.
So, what?
But I'd told Jake...I never wanted to have sex again, if that's what it was like.
I told him we couldn't be together anymore.
He said no. I was being ridiculous. Jake said most women don't enjoy their first time. It'd get better. I'd learn to love it.
I didn't.
Weeks passed, I healed, and so did the scar on my wrist.
I couldn't even do that right.
I didn't bleed out, but Jasper found me.
I needed stitches, however, no major vessels were broken.
Jasper told me to never scare him like that again. He cried, and seeing my big brother weep . . .
Around that time, I'd accused Jake of . . . he told me I was full of shit. We're together. I'm his girl. He's allowed to have me when he wants me
Then months passed.
And it got to be normal, I guess. Well, being with Jake—being his girlfriend and being with him intimately became a normal occurrence.
I was abnormal, never finding joy in the deed, always feeling it was wrong, feeling disgusting.
But he'd never let me go.
I was his.
With Jake, I never felt anything. He'd kiss me, spread my legs apart, and then…he'd do what he had to do. It was never enjoyable, but I thought there was something wrong with me—that I never had orgasm—that I didn't gush or become giddy like Alice or Rosalie after having sex.
I used to pretend…
Although I never liked it—having sex with Jake—it wasn't worth the argument that'd ensue if I'd denied him.
And it was always best to grin and bear it.
I mean, he'd be done in five minutes anyway.
And bruises last for days . . .
It was all normal . . .
He was my boyfriend. I wasn't allowed to say no, and as his girlfriend, I had to make sure he was satisfied.
Soon, it just became normal to me . . . acceptable to me, I got used to it, used to him, and I no longer felt that it was wrong.
None of it was wrong.
It was sex.
Christ.
Being with Edward was nothing like any of that—it was nothing like anything I'd ever known.
I couldn't—I didn't even want to compare Jake and Edward.
Because…if Edward and I had sex the other night, then I don't know what it was that I'd been doing with Jake.
Edward asked for permission, at least, not that he needed any.
When Edward touches me, I swear I see stars; magical things happen. He makes me feel bold and sexy, and I can't believe I did what I did.
I'd successfully seduced him.
He never asked or expected me to touch myself or be perverted, but I want to be his—his sex toy, his, his, his.
I wanna do what we did on the stairs every day, a million times, as many times as he'll let me make love to him.
Being with Edward made me realize that it wasn't me, there's nothing wrong with me sexually. It was Jake.
Or, maybe I was always meant to be with Edward.
I want to belong to Edward and be his woman.
That's all I can say is certain.
Everything else?
I have no idea what to do about Jake.
I know it's not over, and I'm fearful.
Edward totally kicked Jake's ass that night, and it took everything within me to stop Edward—stop Edward from killing him.
If things were simpler, I would have landed the last, deathly blow with a brick or something.
I'd only shown concern to save my own ass—so Jake would think I cared, so Jake wouldn't hurt me because I didn't care.
Then I kicked him.
Jake has a lot of friends. Emmett has friends, and Jake is his best friend . . . and Jake will come for Edward to teach him a lesson.
Next time, there won't be a fair fight.
And I have no idea where Emmett's loyalties lay.
On top of that, yeah, I'm confused.
The feelings I have for Edward have dominated my mind.
Since he's been back in town, Edward fogs my brain.
I went from being okay with Jake to hating his very existence. Jake did all that to me. It was never loving or endearing. We never made love. What Jake and I shared was something else entirely.
Something disgusting and horrible.
Something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
Something that happened to me over and over and over and over again . . .
The sex.
The bruises.
The scars.
I know all of that was wrong now.
Now.
When I didn't know it was wrong before.
And I know Jake screwed Lauren—before, while, and I bet he's hooking up with her again now. She'll lick his wounds, and then he'll come seek forgiveness from me.
It's not over.
The last time I tried to break up with him, he'd said no. He kept coming back around. He's intense and can be scary . . .
It's easier to stay with him, be as pleasing as I can, so there won't be any problems for Jasper.
My brother would try to kill Jake if he knew the half of it . . .
The end result would be Jasper getting hurt, though.
That couldn't happen. Not my brother, no way.
Jake's possessiveness used to make me think he cared, mistaking it for love and/or passion.
Not anymore.
Not while I'm…consumed by Edward.
Not when I got a small taste of real passion, real kindness.
I don't know what's going on in my head or what's wrong with me—why my thinking is all over the place. It makes me cringe all the time.
That's why I was crying last night, suddenly aware of it all. I can't pick a thought, a subject, or an emotion and stick with it—the truth of it all crashing down on me—being with Edward and then realizing that everything Jake did to me was wrong.
So, so wrong.
It wasn't normal.
Edward turned my world upside down, and I wouldn't rest until he was mine.
That wonderful man.
That's what I live for these days.
Before...I thought the only way I'd ever get rid of Jake was by death.
My death.
Life was pointless.
"What'cha doin'?" Alice peeked from behind me.
I let go of the drape. "Looking out for Jake. I don't know."
She winced but recovered quickly. "It sucks . . . but you need to dish. What was Edward doing in your room last night?"
"Excuse me?" I asked.
Alice was one to talk, just after spending the night with Jasper—waltzing into my room wearing a sheet.
Then Jasper's bed making all that noise . . .
"What's the deal with you and Jasper?" I laughed. "Oh, I mean, you and Jazzy-the-Tiger!"
Truth be told, I have no problems with them hooking up. I actually think they'll be good for each other, to an extent, if they become a couple. Alice is always so happy, and Jasper . . . he's always so serious. My friend has had a crush on my brother for ages. Them being together, it gave me hope. Maybe we'll both snag the guys we want—she gets Jasper and I can have Edward.
That's why Edward's reluctance—his concerns involving my brother—seem silly to me.
Why should Jasper care? Especially if Edward and I are happy, his best friend and his sister, the two people he cares for the most . . .
What's wrong with it?
"You heard me?" she giggled.
"Uh...yeah." I bit my lips together to stop from chuckling. I think Edward and I heard it all last night. Well, when we were awake.
Alice was beaming with this far off look on her face. I smiled just as wide as my best friend, finally knowing exactly what that feels like. "I totally had to make the first move…but that's all I had to do," she sighed, "he's an animal."
I gagged on my finger to tease her.
She slapped my arm. "What happened with Edward?"
"Nothing." I kept my word, wasn't going to spill no matter what. "I was upset…since I'm so...I suck and I'm emo."
Alice has no idea; she knows nothing about what being with Jake was like, and I wouldn't burden her with it now.
I went to grab my coffee from the kitchen counter. "I mean…everything is just…"
"I'd hate to be you—so conflicted. But if you can work things out with Jake, maybe forgive him? I say go for it. You know? You don't know what's going on in Edward's head."
"I think I do," I admitted. "Besides, there's no going back to Jake, even if I wanted him, which I don't. After what happened the other night, Jasper will never allow it. Things might get ugly . . . but it's Jake's fault. He cheated, so I hope he just leaves me alone...leaves Jasper, Edward, and me alone." I shivered despite the heat.
"But—" She shook her head, confused. "You can count on there being problems if you're all over Edward right away. People talk." She also doesn't know about Edward telling Jake to step off. "I'm telling you. Leave Edward alone. Jake cheating is a better excuse for breaking up with him." She frowned. "He's such an asshole, though, for being with Lauren. And I don't even wanna think about what'll happen if Jake suspects . . . and there's really nothing going on between you and Edward anyway," she ranted.
"You'll start trouble for nothing. Your brother and Edward could get hurt for no reason. What? Because you've deluded yourself into thinking you're with Edward? Come on now." Alice sucked her teeth, and then she grasped my shoulders. "Listen to me, Bella—"
I shrugged her off and stepped away. "Edward's just as—just as confused as I am," I said. "But for different reasons. I just have to give him time and make him see—that he cares about me, that he wants me—that he wants to be with me just as badly." I stared off into space, only knowing one thing.
"Edward wants me, too. I know it." I nodded. "I just have to make him see." I think I repeated myself there. "He wants to be with me more than he's letting on. I just hope Jake stays away. Otherwise—"
She grabbed my biceps, shaking me. "Are you listening to yourself? The shit you've been saying lately…you sound like some psycho. Trust me. I'm over the moon because of last night, being with Jasper. But, Bella, I was actually with him—"
I shook my head. "You don't get it."
She groaned, exasperated with me.
"You really don't understand." I couldn't tell her. I wanted to, and I willed myself not to cry.
"Fine." She blew out a breath. "How far do these...feelings you have go? Do you think you love him—Edward, I mean?"
"No." I snorted, might have lied. "It's too soon for that."
But inside, I knew my feelings for him were strong—heady, constantly making me dizzy.
"I do care for him very much. I have that love from knowing him all my life. Edward going away, him being away, didn't change how I've always felt. Edward being back, though...? It's different—the way I feel about him now."
Falling for Edward would be too easy, and it could happen at any minute . . . any second, I think.
Although it's not love just yet, I knew my feelings for Edward were stronger than anything I'd felt for Jake during our best days.
"Bella..." She kept her tone low, was about to scold me. "I think—"
Before Alice could say anything more, I ran upstairs to get take a shower and get dressed.
I wanted to hang out at the pizzeria today.
Alice followed and I ignored her words. Maybe her brother gives good advice, but Alice doesn't know her ass from her elbow.
Besides, she was telling me to lay off Edward, and I didn't wanna hear it.
She obviously didn't understand.
I never take her advice. She means well, and her intentions are always heartfelt, but she's just as screwed in the love department as I am. She can never hold onto a man. She either scares them away with her…clingy-ness, or her daddy scares them.
Maybe Alice has it right, though.
She'd never...She'd never let a guy treat her the way Jake treated me.
And just over a week ago, I saw nothing wrong with the way things were.
God. I wished I was smarter, craftier...that I'd known better.
Realization is a motherfucker.
No, I knew before I was with Edward, that it was all wrong . . . but now I realize what's been making me so depressed.
While I thought it was normal, silent parts of me knew it wasn't, and I'd be contemplating suicide all the time, looking for a way out.
In other ways, I'm glad I didn't know for all that time.
I'm glad I never opened my mouth.
Not knowing is one thing.
But being aware of those terrible things, knowing they're wrong, and then telling someone.
When there'd be nothing anyone could do to help me . . .
When telling your brother could get him killed.
When even the police look the other way around here.
No one cares.
I mean, I might still be trapped. I have no idea what will happen tomorrow, or the day after, but I was going to enjoy the moment.
I'll make pizza with Edward.
I'll smile.
And maybe I won't feel worthless.
And maybe my life won't be pointless.
Today . . .
For the first time in a long time, I was hopeful.
While I was in the shower, Alice poked her head in to say that her ride was here. She'd call me later.
As much as I wanted more answers—specifically how she got my brother into bed—I let her go.
My best friend over shares, and I didn't want to hear about my brother's lovemaking style . . . fucking Jazzy-the-Tiger.
The thought alone made me cringe as I reached for a towel.
"Here…" Jake held one out to me.
I let out a terrified scream.
He chuckled. "It's just me."
All right . . . Remember that warning? That's coming up next.
Again, Bella's thoughts were supposed to seem jumbled. I hope you guys were able to follow.
And yeah, after abuse like she's gone through, it becomes normal, a way of life. Combine that with not really knowing any better . . . and here you go ^ we have Bella.