I don't own Ashes to Ashes
Thanks so much to all of you who read and reviewed the last chapter – I'm glad it was at least bearable, and there shouldn't be any more to that degree! Hope this next chapter's a little more.... errr... feel good? Or at least, less gross :P
Huge thank you again, and a big shout to vintage1983 for beta-ing this update for me :-)
---
They both stared blindly at the cassette player, listening as Ray ended the interview, as the recording stopped, as the continued whirring of the tape ran on in the empty room, silent and ominous. Alex covered her mouth with her hand, trembling all over as she slowly lowered the bin to the floor. She fought hard to stop the ache at the back of her throat, the burning semblance of grief and emotion that she was fighting to hold back, to stop herself bursting into loud, wracking sobs; she barely managed it.
Gene's arm was tight around her waist, though she could feel the involuntary tremble as it shot through his body, the disgust, the anger and the horror all held behind his gruff exterior as he tried to keep them in check, to reign in the torrent of emotion...
Alex turned her face toward him, her lip trembling as she did so, just managing to bury her face into Gene's neck before the crying came, ripping and tearing through her whole body as he enveloped her in his familiar arms. His lips descended to her forehead, his nose buried in her hair as he shushed her gently, running long, soothing fingers across her shoulders and down her spine, uttering soft, wordless murmurs into her ear.
When he finally managed to speak, having struggled to form the words in his throat for several minutes, his voice was cracked, splintering with a multitude of emotions that she was certain now she had barely glimpsed in the past. He was bitter, angry, hurt and confused, but amongst it all was the violent, corrosive hatred of betrayal; and she knew it only too well as the salty tears tracked down her cheeks and onto his skin, because she could feel it- it was gnawing at her stomach and her gut, clawing her innards to pieces as she fought once again to hold back a violent wave of nausea and vomit at the realization that, somehow, they'd managed to excuse what Ciaran had done, simply because of the feelings he professed to have...
"We've got him, Bolly," Gene managed, his voice gruff in his throat, tone icy, cold, metallic and coarse. "We got the bastard..."
Alex sobbed without pause, her fingers pushing into his hair and tangling in it with desperation. "I forgot," she whispered, choked up and weeping as she tried to speak. "How could I-? I couldn't- why would I ever-?"
Gene's arms tightened around her, his lips pressing hard against the skin of her forehead as he spoke again. "I know, Alex," he managed, closing his eyes to her familiar smell and hoping that it would go some way to displacing the violent, nauseating disgust in his stomach... But although it vaguely settled him, calming his pulse down slightly and dulling the shakes of inner rage, he could still feel the torrent of emotion as it roiled away within his stomach, tearing and ripping at his insides as his arms tightened around her.
He spoke with difficulty, his breaths harsh and ragged against her skin as he went on. "Me too..."
----
When Alex had managed to stem the flow of tears, and they'd both recovered enough to face the light of day, it was well gone three, and although neither of them had any desire to eat, they took a lunch break. As they left the office, with Alex's hand wrapped tightly in Gene's own gloved one, they stopped only once, at Ray's desk, ignoring the concerned looks on both he and Chris's faces as Gene spoke quietly.
"Get 'em in," he growled. "I want the four of them in the cells and locked up by the time we leave tonight, understood?"
"Yes Guv," Ray replied, nodding.
Gene glanced worriedly at Alex, who was pale, trembling, and looked as though she might burst into renewed tears at any moment; he gulped and drew her against him, one arm wrapped firmly around her waist. "We're taking a lunch break." He gave Ray a meaningful look, saw the DS nod again in Alex's direction, with a look of what might have been sympathy, and then he left, Alex's arm wrapped around his waist, her head resting almost limply on his shoulder as they walked.
----
They parked up outside their house ten minutes later, Gene letting them in at the front door with one arm still wrapped firmly around Alex's quivering shoulders, his fingers stroking her gently. As they kicked off their shoes, Fitz scrabbled to his feet and bounded in from the living room, nudging his head hopefully against each of their legs in turn, and letting out a small whine when they half-heartedly rubbed at his neck. He let out a soft, doleful whimper as they moved past him, and then followed them into the living room, his eyes downcast.
Gene barely thought at all as he walked in, straight away drawing Alex over to the sofa and lying himself down along its length, pulling her down into his embrace and burrowing his face into her neck with a long, deep breath. She simply wrapped her arms around him, body still trembling in his hold.
"Alex," Gene murmured eventually. "I-" he stopped as Fitz leapt easily onto the sofa, settling himself firmly over their feet and causing Gene to groan in annoyance, just as Alex felt her lips tug into a watery smile. "Get off, yer daft mutt," Gene started, moving to push the dog away, but Alex's hand caught his, and he stopped.
"Don't," she murmured, resting her head gently on his chest. "He's fine..." Looking at Fitz, whose eyes were still soft and dewy, she smiled, reaching one hand out to ruffle his ears as she spoke. "Aren't you boy?"
Fitz whined, butting against her hand before he wriggled up the sofa, lodging himself firmly between the two humans with a look of smug superiority. He instantly moved to push his nose against Alex's chin, and then turned to Gene, licking softly at his cheek with a playful glimmer in his eyes, tail thumping against their legs as his soft whimpers reached their ears. Alex vaguely noted Gene's half-smile, saw him lift his arm and allow Fitz to wriggle his way beneath it so that his head rested firmly on Gene's chest, nose pressing into Alex's chin once more, before either of them saw fit to say anything.
"See?" Alex smiled, glancing at Gene's face and grinning as he pretended to glare down at the dog, even as his hand ruffled the brown fur along his back.
"Yeah, alright," he conceded, meeting her eyes. "He's fine..." He hesitated, and then murmured, voice soft, "Are you?"
She bit her lip, averting her gaze and concentrating much harder than was necessary on unpicking a knot in Fitz's fur. She said nothing for several minutes, her tooth toying and worrying at her skin before she finally spoke, keeping her eyes downcast, her voice soft and only just audible. "I forgot, Gene," she said eventually, stroking down Fitz's spine as she went on. "I just- somehow, I just forgot all that he'd done... I knew it was horrible – it was always going to be horrible- but, Gene, I convinced myself that it wasn't as bad because he loved her... I told myself that I'd do anything for you, so why was it so bad that he did what she wanted? I didn't think- I didn't even remember- I completely forgot that he'd cut her up and-!"
"Alex," Gene murmured, lifting his hand away from Fitz and cupping her cheek instead, drawing her face gently around to look at him, his blue eyes glistening, even as she tried to tear her gaze away. Holding her chin firmly, he spoke again. "I did too," he told her, thumbing at her cheek. "You know I did, Bols; Christ, I was worse than you, Bols- I said I'd do it too fer Christ's sake! You ain't a-"
"Gene, I forgot; forgot that she was someone's daughter, convinced myself that he'd been in love so why couldn't he just-?"
"Alex," his voice was tight, his grasp slightly harder as he held her firm. "Stop it. We just - I dunno... we just-"
"Let our relationship get in the way?" Alex supplied softly. Gene's hand stilled on her cheek, his eyes wide, his mouth set as she gently drew her face from his hold.
"You reckon that was it?" He asked eventually, gulping hard.
Alex nodded. "Yes... I do... Harrison was right; it wasn't a 'romantic' act at all, but we both tried to defend him, to say it was all down to his feelings, his emotions, his-"
"No," Gene interrupted, drawing her face back to look at him, ignoring the way Fitz was flickering his gaze from one to the other like a spectator at a tennis match. "You don't mean that."
Her tears threatened to spill once again as she nodded at him. "Yes, I do," she managed, clenching her eyes shut as she brought herself to speak again. "Can you honestly tell me you'd have believed him telling you he loved her if it wasn't for us? Wouldn't you have just called him a 'soft nancy' and beaten him to a pulp until the truth came out?" Her voice was bitter, hurt, and cracked with disgust, and Gene could feel his hand clam with sweat against her cheek as he searched for words.
"Bolly, I ain't-!"
She interrupted, shaking her head. "Because before we were an item, Gene, you'd have laughed in his face! You'd have shouted, and bullied, and thumped, and hurt, and I'd have-"
"So loving you makes me a crap copper, does it?" Gene asked, his voice hard, eyes finally averting as he gulped back the hard lump of iron forming at the back of his throat. "Because I can see where the hell he's coming from, I'm a waste of space?"
"I didn't say-!"
"Because as far as I know, Alex, that's all your Psychology bollucks is; so if it makes me such a shitty copper, then why the hell do you preach it like the bloody bible?" His voice was seething, angered, enraged, and a moment later he'd stood up, dislodging Fitz and ignoring the hound as he scrambled towards the other side of the room. "If knowing why a bloke does something makes me so useless, then why do you nag on about it like a bloody Rabbi with a gun up his arse?"
Alex was on her feet a second later, tears streaming down her face, though Gene wasn't sure if it was rage, guilt, sadness, or a combination of all three; he hated himself as he realized that, right at this moment, he didn't care. "I never said you were a bad copper!" Alex seethed, jabbing him fiercely in the chest. "But don't you dare pretend like you didn't overlook him because of me, because of-"
"Well, I won't bloody do it again, will I?" Gene interrupted, glowering down at her. "In fact, if being with me's such an inconvenience for you, 'ow about we postpone the whole thing until you find a surgeon to remove whatever poker you've got shoved up yer jacksy?" He grabbed his overcoat from the back of the sofa and shrugged it on, face set in anger as he moved to turn away.
"Oh that's right, run away and get drunk!" Alex seethed, stamping her foot angrily. "You know as well as I do that the only reason you didn't punch Ciaran into the floor is because you thought it was-!"
"What, Alex?" He snapped, turning around and grabbing her by the shoulders. "What did I think it was? I hate it Alex! I hate the fact he did it, and I hate the fact I can see why! It makes me sick! But we've got him, and he's going down! So stop with the third degree, and trust me to do my bloody job!" His eyes were flashing, burning with hurt, anguish and despair, but Alex pushed him away.
"This is all wrong, Gene!" She hissed. "A lot of people are in love – Amanda McKellen loved her husband, but we didn't give her any sympathy for it! So why does Ciaran get empathy, Gene? Because he's a bloke? Because he's a teenager? Because his girlfriend didn't love him back? None of it matters! He killed someone- he cut her to pieces and threw her in the canal, and we ignored that because he 'loved her'! What makes him-?"
"Nothing, Alex!" Gene retorted. "Nothing makes him different! He'll be strung up in prison like some sort of turkey and raped ten times over by every bender in the joint, just like every other bastard that ever murdered 'is Missus! What exactly do you want me to say? You want me to admit he got inside my head? Want me to say I convinced myself he did it to help? I already did, Bolly! But maybe you should start thinkin' less about the fact I did it, and more about why! 'cause if it was up to me, Alex, I'd 'ave left you well enough alone!"
He stormed out then, slamming the front door behind him as he went. Alex stood frozen to the spot, her eyes still pouring with tears, ears picking up on the roar of the Quattro as it faded from earshot. She was dimly aware of Fitz butting at her leg, before she collapsed back onto the sofa, Gene's scent fresh in her nostrils as Fitz leapt up beside her, whining softly in her ear as she cried into the cushion.
---
She didn't show up again that afternoon, and Gene had to confess that he was almost relieved. He had Viv put Joe Ellison in one of the cells, telling him he'd interview both him, Benji and Sophia the next day, then spent the afternoon with Ray and Chris, chasing a couple of burglars through some side streets, beating one to a pulp and forcing a confession, working his way through a stack of paperwork, and smashing two mugs in moments of anger and disgust.
By the time half five came, he was visibly seething, and the idea of spending the next few hours with Harrison was right up there with bonking Ray. He managed an hour of silence in Luigi's, and then tossed a twenty pound note on the table, ignoring the jibes at his lack of companion and leaving without another glance. He heard a half-hearted 'goodnight' from his colleagues, but he was already up the stairs and back on the street level before he could be bothered to mutter his response of 'night'.
He got in the Quattro, then left Luigi's behind him, mind reeling and blood pounding away in his veins.
----
Alex heard him come in- not that she could possibly have missed it, given how loud he was. She listened as he cursed the umbrella stand, swore at the staircase, and kicked his shoes into the corner, presumably missing, and hitting the wall instead. She sighed quietly to herself at the inevitability of it all; he was drunk. Not that she was surprised- it was, after all, nearly half two in the morning, and if Gene was out that late, it generally meant he was enjoying round after round of whiskeys, beers, and –later in the evening, when he was too pissed to notice the difference – various other liqueurs that he'd usually fob off as being too posh or too weak.
"S'alrigh' Fitz," she heard him slur, just as the dog began to whine at him. "'s'fine. 'm fine... 's'all fine... gunna go tell 'er 'm fine..." his yawn was loud enough to reach her ears, and then he went on, voice drunk and blatant. "Yer bloody lucky she's cut yer balls off," he murmured, his footsteps heavy as he descended the stairs slowly. "None o' this 'love' bollucks... jus' a quick shag in the loos, then toodaloo, m' friend... toodaloo... To the- bollucks... need a piss..." he stumbled back down the stairs, crashing into the living room door before redirecting himself to the downstairs toilet.
She had no doubt in her mind that he missed his target, even as he went on talking to Fitz in a loud, drunken voice. "Course, yer can't 'ave sex withou' yer knackers, can yer? But it ain' all tha' great, y'know?" he was talking in what she thought might have been intended as a reassuring voice, but that came out almost bewildered. "An' love, love's crap an' all... bloody women. Yer a lucky bugger... she'll ave mine off tomorrow an' all y'know... me knackers... snip-snip-snip..." He was back on the stairs, his breathing heavy as he hauled himself up towards the landing, grunting in annoyance as he went. "Bloody joke..." Alex listened as he came to a stop outside the spare room across the landing, could just imagine him scratching his head as he glanced dumbly from one room to the other. "That way lays doom, Genie-boy," he said, slightly softer, but still loud in the darkness.
A moment later, as Alex curled herself into a tight ball and shut her eyes to look as though she were sleeping, the door opened, his drunken form staggering into the room, dropping clothes as he went, before sliding beneath the duvet, his warm body inches from hers, stinking of whiskey and fags and the car... she couldn't help but breathe a sigh of relief at the realization that, however bad he smelt, there was no trace of perfume.
"Alex?" He slurred, poking her gently in the shoulder; she didn't move. "Alex... 'm not sorry... not sorry 'bout us... love yer... really, really do..." She felt him edge closer, felt him slide his arm around her waist, but didn't respond as he placed a sloppy kiss on her shoulder. He squeezed her tight, breathing deeply, before sighing. "Talk in the mornin'..." he said softly. "Sorry I woke yer..." he kissed her neck swiftly, and then drew away, rolling to the other side of the bed, feeling the cold mattress beneath him like a kick in the teeth as he stared into the darkness.
Alex didn't move across to hold him.
----
Gene didn't sleep, but nor did he delude himself that Alex had, either. He could hear her as she sniffled slightly into the duvet, could feel her as she shifted uncomfortably on the mattress, sensed her glancing across at him when he turned his face away from her. He lay silent for hours, feeling the alcohol ebb from his system, his body going numb, tired, and weak. But still he didn't sleep; it felt strange, since he'd spent the majority of his marriage deliberately avoiding the intimacy of cuddling with his wife, but now he found that he couldn't sleep at all without Alex held securely in his arms. He wanted, more than anything, to reach out and envelop her in his embrace, to kiss away the tears that rolled down her cheeks, and to assure her he was sorry... But in all honesty, he wasn't sorry; not really. Sorry for yelling, maybe, but not sorry for loving her, not sorry for finally understanding...
He turned over, looking wistfully at the back of her head, at the curls of her brown hair, made unruly by movement on the pillow. She was wearing one of his shirts, the collar turned up and brushing against her cheek as she lay there silently. He watched as she shifted slightly, as she brought her hand up to her face, drawing the collar to her nose and inhaling deeply... he gulped, shifting slightly closer so that he could feel the heat of her radiating from her skin.
"Alex..." he murmured, lifting himself up on his elbow and reaching tentatively out to stroke down her shoulder. "Alex, please..." He felt her shift slightly, and he sighed, glancing at the clock. "Gunna make some coffee," he said, rolling from the bed, "I'll be back in a minute..." When she said nothing in return, he left.
---
Fitz scrabbled to his feet on the landing, jumping up to place his front paws against Gene's chest with a long, wet lick up his cheek. Gene sighed, ruffling the dog's fur before pushing him gently off and kneeling down to his level, lowering his voice to barely above a whisper. "Do us a favour, 'ey boy? Get her talking, would yer? She's about as lively as a coma patient on dope... 'bout as cheerful, an' all." He scratched behind Fitz's ears, before pushing him towards the bedroom door, waiting a few moments as he listened for the unmistakeable tinkle of reluctant laughter as the Alsatian leapt onto the bed and butted Alex in the face. Gene smirked half-heartedly, and then padded downstairs as quietly as he could.
---
She was lying with Fitz stretched alongside her when Gene re-entered, her hand rubbing absent patterns in the dogs fur as she lay there quietly. He hesitated in the doorway, the two mugs of coffee steaming in his hand for several moments before he walked over, placing both on the bedside table to her side, before kneeling down in front of her, his hand moving to cup her cheek softly, then trailing gently down her arm to link their fingers together; relief washed through him when she didn't draw her hand away.
"You gunna talk to me now, Bols?" He asked softly, squeezing at her hand, his eyes fixed on her face. Fitz whined slightly, butting at Alex's chin with his wet nose, his tail wagging enthusiastically as he glanced at Gene.
Alex was quiet, lifting her hazel gaze to Gene's blue, her hand squeezing gently at his. "Gene, I wasn't angry at you, I just-"
"You think we let it get in the way," he finished, turning his eyes away and gulping hard. "I get it, Alex, I just don't think-"
"No, you need to understand, Gene! This is- this is dangerous! How can we live and work together when everything professional becomes personal, when every investigation we look into we confuse with our own feelings? We should never have felt sorry for him because he loved her! We let what we were feeling for each other change everything else, and-"
"Alex, stop!" Gene said, bringing his spare hand to her cheek as he shifted closer, his eyes finding hers once again. "Stop..." He tangled his fingers in her hair, stroking his thumb across her lips. "Just- just listen fer a minute, would yer? And don't interrupt just yet, alright?" He raised his eyebrow in question, and Alex nodded, sitting up and allowing Fitz to scurry around her to the centre of the bed. Gene stayed knelt down, looking up at her with his jaw tight for several seconds, before nodding. "Ok..." he murmured, closing her hand in both of his as he tried to verbalise what he was thinking, tried to determine the best way to calm her down, to make her understand...
"I don't care..." He said eventually, squeezing her hand slightly. "We made a mistake, but it's sorted, Alex; he'll go to court and he'll probably get life... So I don't care that fer a day or two I could see why the poor sod did it; last time I checked, Bols, you were all for empathy an' gettin' into their heads..."
"Harrison told us he wasn't being 'romantic' and we-!"
"Alex, we didn't say he was tryin' to buy 'er flowers and chocolates, we said he loved her and was a bloody loony! But d'you really expect Harrison to get it? He's cheatin' on his Missus with a girl in the office who's as easy as ABC. He's shagged about twenty girls behind 'er back an' all, an' 'e's got about as much compassion as Hitler with a bloody chainsaw! You want somebody to understand, Alex? He's the last bloke to pick!"
"Gene, I'm just saying-!"
"Well don't 'just say!" Gene retorted, tightening his grasp on her hands. "Alex, the two people in this investigation who haven't felt bad fer that sod are Harrison an' Ray! Two fricking blokes who've never felt that way about anyone!" He pulled her hand to his chest, holding it against his rapidly beating heart as his voice softened. "Bols, it wouldn't matter if we worked in different stations, or offices, or any of that... I'd still be bloody crazy about yer, an' I'd still get where 'e was coming from..."
She shook her head, biting at her lip. "Tell me you went back yesterday and did your job, Gene!" She implored, her voice soft. "Can you really tell me you went in there and heard Ellison's side of the story?"
"No, Alex," Gene said honestly, rubbing his thumb against her soft skin. "I can't. I went in, I beat up a suspect for a burglary and I told Viv to shove Ellison in a cell... And I'd have done it wherever you worked, Alex, because-"
"No you wouldn't!" Alex argued, shaking her head. "You wouldn't! It wouldn't have been like that, because-"
"Alex, you could be working in Newcastle, we could've argued over the phone, and I'd still have gone in there and kicked him to shit, because I was too pissed off to do anything else! An' I knew if I went in there and saw Ciaran or Ellison I'd have kicked them half to death!" He gripped her hands tighter, drawing them closer to him. "You weren't the only one who felt something, alright? You keep forgetting that I've got feelings, too, that I was just as convinced as you were!"
"I don't think that you don't have feelings, Gene! I just think that we shouldn't be able to let those feelings confuse us, to let them-!"
"Alex, we're people!" He interrupted, kneeling up and bringing his hands up to cup her face. "Feelings are just part of living; they can always get in the way..." He brought his face closer to hers, twisting her to look at him. "Why are you bein' so stubborn?" Gene asked softly, stroking her cheek. "We've done our job; we got our bloke, an' we-"
Alex hesitated, and then met his eyes, covering one of the hands on her cheek with her own. "Gene...I keep thinking- I keep remembering the day we found her, how worried I was, how-" She stopped, biting the inside of her cheek before she spoke. "It could've been Molly, Gene..."
He blinked, frowning in blatant confusion. "What could?"
"Rosa... Rosa could've been Molly... if that was my daughter, I wouldn't buy that he'd loved her- I'd tear down heaven and earth to make sure he got what he deserved! I'd probably have to stop myself killing him! So why did I believe it for Rosa?" Tears slid down her cheeks, and Gene stared for a few moments that seemed to drag on for eternity, before suddenly he stood up, settling next to her on the mattress and wrapping his arms around her shoulders as she cried on.
"Is that what this is?" He asked, sounding oddly relieved, though he hoped she wouldn't notice.
She kept crying into his bare shoulder, clutching at his arm desperately as she nodded, sniffling slightly. "If I'd been with Molly, I'd never have believed him!" She sobbed. "I'd never have let him convince me!"
"Alex, it wasn't your-!" She jerked out of his hold suddenly, shoving his arm away and jumping up.
"Gene, I convinced myself that he loved her, just because I was in love with you!" She was shouting now, tears still falling, but now he couldn't be sure what from. "Just because he could spin a few lines about how 'special' she was, I believed him! He was a murdering bastard the whole time, and I gave him sympathy! All the Psychology, all the education and experience, and I convinced myself it 'wasn't so bad'!"
"So did everyone else!" Gene snapped, jumping up suddenly and waving his arm as if to emphasise a point. "Chris, Shaz, Viv, all of them- we all did the same thing, Bolly! What d'you want me to do about it? You want the honest truth, Alex? I'd rather I didn't understand- I'd rather I'd nailed that bastard six months ago and never been able to say 'I get it'! Is that what you wanted to hear? You want me to tell you how I spent hours thinking how much I hated loving you, because I didn't want to think how far I'd go to save your scrawny little arse from pain?" He grasped her by the shoulders, staring down into her glistening hazel eyes as he went on, his voice soft. "Because I've thought about it, Alex; I've thought how far I'd go, and what I'd do for you... and maybe I wouldn't cut you to pieces, but if you really wanted to go, I'd help you. And that doesn't mean I don't know that Merlot's scum; it just means I know he's human."
Alex stared up at him, her lip quivering, and a moment later he was holding her tight, his arms wrapped firmly around her as her hands rested loosely on his waist, her tears pouring.
"I can't change it, Bols," he said softly, eyes closed as he murmured into her ear. "An' I wouldn't if I could... I'm not sorry 'bout how I feel." He kissed her forehead, breathing her in for a few moments as she sobbed continually, her nails digging into his flesh as she tried to calm herself down. When he drew back, she was trembling, and he steered her towards the bed. "Here," he murmured, pushing a coffee into her hands. "Drink that... I'll just go and-"
"Gene?" Alex whispered, both hands closed around the hot mug in her hands as she looked up at him. He gulped, and then met her eyes.
"Yeah, Bols?"
She reached one hand out to catch his, her thumb tracing across the back of his palm. "Do you think we should talk about a transfer, or-?"
"No," he answered quickly, shaking his head. "You're not transferring, an' neither am I."
"Gene, please... we can't let our feelings-!"
"Feeling's always get in the way, Alex," he said, grinding his teeth as her fingers tightened on his own. "Doesn't matter whether you're shaggin' someone or not; you're always worried about some people more than others. If you'd stuck Sam and Ray next to a bomb, I'd have saved Sam 'cause he was me best mate. Stick Shaz next to Chris, Ray would always save Chris. Stick you next to Shaz, Chris is always gunna pick Shaz 'cause he'd die without her."
"Yes, but that's what I mean!" Alex argued, her hands clenching on the cup she held. "How can we do our jobs when we're always worrying about each other? Surely there comes a time when you've been working with someone too long for it to remain professional?"
He looked at her carefully, and then sighed, sitting down beside her and drawing one of her hands away, threading their fingers together as he spoke. "You really think I won't worry about you if you're at another station?"
"I won't be there for you to-"
He nodded. "Exactly; I get cranky when you go an' make a coffee, Bols - an' not just 'cause you're awful at it, either. You worked in Harrison's office fer two days and I had to come see you every lunch time just to make sure you hadn't tripped over the bin and cracked yer head open!" He glanced at their hands, feeling her eyes on his face as he did so. "D'you honestly think it'd stop me getting work and home mixed up, Alex? I'd be ringin' you every chance I got, I'd screw at yer DCI if you got so much as a bruise on yer knee, I'd end up talkin' to you about cases at home anyway... An' if some sod said 'e was in love with 'is Missus, I'd still understand just what he meant, whether you were halfway across town or not..." He glanced up at her face, seeing her sad smile as she moved to rest her head on his shoulder.
"An' I'd miss yer," he said softly, stroking her hair gently as he spoke. "So please, don't put in for transfer... Just- just don't." He trailed off, watching nervously as she hesitated, and then nodded, her hand lifting the coffee to her lips.
"Ok," she whispered softly, before taking a drink.
"Ok, you won't?" Gene asked. "Or ok, you just want me to shut up?"
Alex smiled, shaking her head at him. "Ok, I won't put in for transfer."
"Good," he said, with a breath of relief. He pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead, and reached for his own drink as Alex settled against him, her cheeks still damp with tears. He took one gulp, and then placed both of their cups on the floor, tugging hers easily from her unresisting fingers before he joined their hands together once again.
He waited a few moments, his fingers twiddling the ring on her middle finger before he spoke. "Y'know yesterday," he said eventually, his voice quiet, "when I said I'd 'ave left well enough alone?"
Alex nodded, her eyes fixed on his hand, trying not to betray the worry that was pounding through her veins.
He hesitated a few moments, and then shook his head. "I didn't mean it... I mean- not really... I mean, I did but, I didn't- I don't regret it Alex... any of it."
She looked at him in confusion. "You don't regret saying it?"
"No!" He said quickly, hurrying to correct himself. "No, I mean, I don't regret this... Us... I just- I got mad, Bols, I didn't-"
"I know," Alex murmured, squeezing at his hand. "I'm sorry; you didn't deserve me reacting like that... I know it hurt you, too, hearing everything..."
"Yeah..." He could think of nothing else to say, and so he pulled her back into his chest, lips to her forehead as his hand stroked down her back. Fitz crawled over once again, apparently satisfied that the row was over as he sprawled himself across Alex's legs and rested his head on Gene's lap.
"Gene?" Alex whispered after a while in silence, her head still resting against the reassuring thud of his heart. Gene looked down at her, his eyes soft as his long fingers traced over the elegant line of her cheek.
"Yes, Bols?" He murmured softly, his lips dropping to the top of her head for a brief moment.
She looked up at him, watching for a few moments, her eyes unblinking, until she gently raised one hand to his cheek, fingers rasping against the slight scattering of stubble that littered his face. "I love you; you know that, don't you?"
"Yeah, Alex," he murmured, catching her hand in his and bringing it gently to his lips. "I know... just – just sometimes, I wonder if you know it, too."
Her eyes stared back at him, glistening and fearful, before he kissed her lingeringly, his mouth and lips soft against her own. He drew back after a few moments, his fingers tangled in her hair, shaking his head when she went to speak. "I didn't mean that like it sounded," he said, gulping slightly and averting his eyes for a few moments.
When he looked back, she was biting on her lip, tears brimming as he cupped her face gently. "I know you do, Alex," he promised, stroking away a tear as it slid from her eye. "I just wish yer wouldn't use it as an excuse when things go to shit." He kissed her again, gently sucking at her lower lip before he pulled away, feeling Fitz butt lightly at his elbow in a vain demand for attention. "Get some sleep, Bols," he murmured, pressing his lips against her cheek before gently pushing Fitz from their laps. "We can talk later."
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A big thanks to Vintage 1983 for stepping in to beta this chapter :-)
Hope it was a little less grim than the previous one :P
Mage of the Heart