Because of You
Chapter 37
Bella's POV
"Bella?" Dr Kendrick called as her eyes met mine across the busy waiting room, her smile broad.
Slinging my purse over my shoulder, I grabbed the handles of Jack's stroller, weaving my way through patients as the doctor held her arm out.
"Well, look at you, young man," she spoke brightly to Jack after closing the door to her consultation room behind us. "Let me have a look at you."
Bending down to his eye level, she unlocked Jack from the five-point harness—that barely kept him restrained, most days—and lifted him out.
"You are going to be a heartbreaker with those peepers of yours," she continued, practically cooing over him and laughing softly to herself when his shyness kicked in and he reached for me.
"How's he been?" she asked sitting down at her desk while I took the chair opposite with Jack on my lap.
"He's good," I replied lightly. "His father calls him 'Houdini' because there's nothing he can't get into."
"Oh, joy." The doctor chuckled, adding, "I miss my son being this small. He's thirteen now and thinks he knows everything." Her grin turned nostalgic, before her gazed switched from Jack, who was attempting to hide from her behind his chubby splayed hands, to me. "So what can I do for you, Bella?"
I gave her a short recap of the last couple of months, about how sick I'd been, and how I was struggling to bounce back.
"And these," I added, motioning to my breasts. "I weened Jack over a month ago. Are they ever going to go back to a b-cup?"
As much as Edward enjoyed them, I couldn't honestly say I felt the same.
Dr Kendrick only surveyed me for a moment, her brow slightly bunched before humming in contemplation. "Cryptosporidiosis is a nasty thing to come down with, but unless you've got a depleted immune system, it really shouldn't have lasted longer than a couple of weeks."
Then rising to her feet, she motioned me over to her examination table. "Jump up here and I'll get some blood off you and see if I can work out what's going on."
After strapping Jack back into his stroller and handing him his sippy-cup, I lifted myself onto the bed with my pulse already accelerated.
You'd think after two cycles of IVF and numerous transfers I would have been used to needles, but I wasn't.
After lying down and extending my arm with an internal groan, I met Jack's wide, fearful eyes. I flashed him the widest reassuring smile I could manage, before being forced to turn away from him. He was watching me intently, and there was no way I could mask my anxiety from him.
"Ma-ma," he whimpered.
"Mummy's fine, sweetie. I'm looking after her," Dr Kendrick comforted him in a gentle voice, as she pulled the tourniquet lightly around my arm.
After taking a couple of vials of blood from me, she pulled the elastic strap from my upper arm before slipping up the hem of my sweater and examining my stomach. Starting just under my ribs, she slowly moved down to my abdomen, her fingers probing deeper when she came to my pelvic area.
I only watched her, as her expression went from textbook calm to...troubled, then after taking a breath, she helped me off the table and returned to her desk.
"Has your period returned, yet?" she asked casually, after typing something on her computer and printing it out.
I shook my head. "No, but then I only get, maybe, three a year."
She hummed again, chewing on the inside of her lip as she scanned through my on-screen file.
"Okay," she eventually began, swivelling in her chair until she was fully facing me and handing me the print-out, "I want to get you in to get an ultra-sound, just to make sure everything's fine. You don't have anything to do now, do you?"
"No, I'm fine," I answered, hesitating before taking the paper from her. "Should I be worried?"
"No," she replied, scoffing as if to put me at ease; though, her smile appeared forced this time. "It's just routine. Take this to Radiology and then come back. I want to see you after."
Then all but ushering me to the door, she smiled again tightly, and pointed me in the direction of the radiology department; as if I hadn't already been there numerous times in the past.
Filling with apprehension, I followed the signs toward Radiology, but after rounding the first corner out of sight of Dr Kendrick's office, I paused and glanced down at the paper I was clutching. "Abdominal scan" it read, "liver, gallbladder, spleen, pancreas, kidneys, ovaries, uterus..."
Okay, she's just being thorough, I told myself inwardly, but I'd be lying if I said her demeanour hadn't concerned me. She'd gone from casual and cheerful, to sedate and down-to-business the moment she'd examined my stomach.
From inside my purse, my phone started buzzing, and rummaging around for it for a moment, I brought it to my ear; without needing to check to see that it was Edward.
"Hey, baby—what did the doc say?" he asked before I opened my mouth to greet him.
"Not a lot," I replied casually. Probably too casually, but I didn't exactly want to let Edward in on how uneasy I was suddenly feeling. "She's sending me off for a sonogram."
There was a pause, and before he could assume the worst, I quickly added, completely lying, "She just wants to make sure I'm ovulating again."
"Oh, okay," he said, sounding distracted. "Well, let me know how it goes. How's squirt?"
"He's fine. Honey, I have to go."
"All right, I'm due back now, anyway. I'll see you this arvo."
"You're such an asshole," I murmured with a conceding sigh.
He chuckled warmly before I exited out of the call, and shaking my head to myself, I shoved my phone back into my purse and made my way to Radiology.
Because I didn't have a direct appointment the wait time was roughly forty minutes. By that time Jack was completely over being strapped in his stroller, and when food could no longer placate him, I was forced to get him out and let him explore around the confined waiting area. Keeping a close watch over him kept me somewhat distracted from the procedure I was about to have, not to mention the anxiety I was beginning to feel over keeping him still and quiet while I was having it done.
One of the radiology nurses, an older woman in her sixties, offered to keep him occupied, and for a couple of minutes he was quiet. That was until he must have suddenly realised I was absent, and at that point he completely lost it. He screamed out to me, and then Edward; his high pitched cries echoing around the cold, sterile room I was laying in.
I only groaned, my thoughts temporarily diverted from the screen that the sonographer kept conveniently angled away from my line of vision—as she typed repeated notes—before the nurse came into the room, carrying Jack. He quietened down almost immediately upon seeing me, but he was near hysterical, his face wet and blotchy, while his nose ran hopelessly, mingling with his tears that he kept rubbing at.
"See, there's mummy," the nurse spoke to him in a soothing tone as he immediately reached for me.
"Ma...ma," he sobbed, hiccupping and breaking off to shudder.
The nurse sat down on the seat on the other side of the table from me, with Jack on her lap, who then tried to crawl over me.
"Baby, no," I said firmly, my tone turning almost instinctively gentle, as I attempted to keep him still while the sonographer continued. "I'm sorry," I apologised to her, expelling my breath in exasperation. "I had no idea I'd be sent for one of these today."
"It's fine." She smiled, her eyes not deviating from the screen as she continued pushing the wand around my abdomen.
A half hour later, with Jack passed out against my shoulder, his tears, drool and snot intermingled and drenching my sweater, the sonographer was finished.
With the nurse's help, I got down off the table with Jack in my arms, before laying him in his stroller and straightening myself out.
Blood hell, I was exhausted already.
"It will take about twenty-five minutes for the scans to be ready," the sonographer explained. "They'll be sent straight through to Dr Kendrick. Congratulations, though."
I nodded, opening my mouth to reply when I faltered; my mind going completely blank. "I-I'm sorry?"
With her expression almost immediately holding up with uncertainty, she deliberately broke my gaze, mumbling a hurried "have a good afternoon". Then doing an about face, she disappearing back inside the ultra-sound room.
For a brief moment I only stared after her before I headed back into the general waiting area; pushing Jack who was still fast asleep in his stroller, as my mind buzzed.
I stopped only to alert Dr Kendrick's receptionist that I was back to see her.
She smiled, looking inconvenienced.
"As soon as she receives the report, she'll call you in. It shouldn't be too long," she pointed out simply, the receiver of the phone she was holding muffled against her shoulder, before returning to it.
I made my way to a spare seat, and before I could sit down and gather my thoughts, my phone rang again.
"I'll be there in ten minutes at the latest," Edward spoke in a rush, sounding somewhat disjointed. "Jesus, what the hell is going on, now?"
I opened my mouth to reply, but unable to form words, I only shook my head instead.
"Baby? You there?"
"Yeah—what? Why are you coming?" I asked, knowing I sounded confused and unintelligible, but my mind was so presently overrun I had no way of making myself sound coherent.
"The doc called through the switch line and asked me to," he explained, taking a weary sigh, before elaborating, "She said it was nothing bad, just that I had to be there."
"Oh..." I said, shaking my head and becoming impatient by my confusion. "They haven't told me a thing."
"Okay—fuck me—I'll be there in about ten. Can you hold on?"
He arrived in five, bursting through the double entry doors as his eyes sought me out. He looked weary.
I motioned him over to me, and weaving recklessly through the small crowd of people still waiting, he sat beside me and grabbed my hand. His palm was clammy, his brow heavily creased as he flattened his other hand against it.
"Did you see anything?" he put to me, referring to the sonogram, as his burning eyes canvassed mine.
I shook my head, going over the strange way the sonographer had acted in my mind, before relaying it to him. "I don't know what she saw, because Jack was freaking out, but she told me 'congratulations'."
"Congratulations," he echoed, his forehead bridging. "That's good...isn't it?"
"I suppose," I mumbled, shrugging; I was beginning to feel rattled.
Congratulations? Was I pregnant?
If I was, it'd be ectopic, and no one would be congratulating me.
So what the hell was I being congratulated for?
"Congratulations, the scan was clear?" Edward speculated, as if he were reading my mind.
"Maybe," I said, not really convinced, before he put words to what I was already thinking.
"Well, why the hell would I need to be here?"
"I don't know, honey," I answered, dropping my head to my palm.
Wrapping his arm around my shoulders, he pulled me against him, reminding me again, "The doc did say it wasn't anything to worry about."
"Yeah," I mumbled, and sighing, I relaxed against him for a moment, just as Dr Kendrick reappeared from inside her office.
"Bella?" she called me over, and her smile this time was neutral, I noted, before her eyes scanned to Edward.
Getting to my feet, my stomach a bundle of nerves, I reached for the stroller, but Edward was already gripping it as he followed me into the consultation room.
"Okay, take a seat," she said, sounding almost breathless. Then after taking hers, she turned the warmth of her smile on Edward. "Nice to see you again, Edward. How have you been?"
"Not bad," Edward replied, throwing in a quick grin for good measure, but it was obvious how tense he was.
"Bella..." she began, turning her attention fully on me, her expression almost appearing impressed, "you are full of surprises."
My mouth opened, but I wasn't sure how to answer. I had absolutely no idea what she was talking about, but before I could question her, she stood up out of her chair holding a large yellow envelope. Then, searching through what I now understood where the sonogram films, she placed one up on the backlit screen.
I knew what I was looking at before my mind could catch up and register it, but it still took me a moment or two for clarity to set in.
"H-how?" was all I could manage in complete and utter disbelief, my hand automatically covering my mouth.
"Jesus, there's two of them," Edward spoke from beside me in a voice I barely recognised.
I turned to him; he had gone at least five shades paler, his entire expression twisting so unfathomably that I was unable to decipher what emotion he was expressing. He was in shock, that was evident enough, but he also appeared to be filling with genuine alarm.
I turned back to Dr Kendrick, she continued explaining to me, that expression of wonder still encompassing her face, while I gazed back numbly, my brain fogging.
Ten weeks pregnant, she said. With twins; twins who evidently shared a placenta.
Identical twins.
"But, I can't get pregnant on my own," I countered feebly, unable to wrap my head around any of it.
"Apparently you can," she replied to the contrary, her expression appearing amused for the first time.
"Are you sure they're in the right place?!" Edward spoke up, almost beginning to sound irrational.
"By all accounts it's a completely normal ten week intrauterine pregnancy of twins," she explained calmly to Edward, who was becoming everything but calm.
"Jesus fucking Christ!" he suddenly burst, pushing both hands back stiffly through his hair. "The last one almost killed her!"
"Honey," I turned to him, attempting to put him at ease, despite feeling completely detached from coherency myself. "It's not ectopic."
"But it could have been!" he insisted, his entire face almost crumbling with this very real fear he was so obviously struggling with.
"But it isn't," I emphasised, my emotions so frayed suddenly my voice softly broke.
He shook his head, attempting to make sense of it, as I was, I could only assume, only this time he was becoming angry. "They said this couldn't happen—they promised us!" he all but fumed. "I would never have put her at risk if I knew!"
"Edward, it's one of those things that can't be explained," Dr Kendrick attempted to reason with him, to get through to him. She appeared genuinely surprised by this reaction he was having. "You'd be surprised how many times I've seen it happen."
Twins... I was having two babies.
"And soon we're coming back." a little voice that was so intrinsically familiar to me suddenly echoed in my mind. "Me and Greer together."
"Oh my god," I suddenly whispered, my fingers that still remained cradled to my mouth, obstructing the path of tears that began to slip silently down my face.
Edward pulled me against him, burying his head against my hair like he so often did, before he expelled what seemed like every molecule of air from his lungs. "I'm sorry, baby," he murmured to me, sounding full of remorse.
"Honey!" I stressed, turning to him. For a moment, I only gazed into his eyes; his eyes that were swimming with almost palpable guilt. I wanted to tell him that he'd done nothing wrong, but suddenly I couldn't express it; instead I only shook my head, grabbing his hand in mine.
"This is a lot to take in, especially considering you also have a little one," Dr Kendrick spoke up gently. "Take all the time you need, but Bella, I am going to need to see you again in a couple of weeks."
"Um, okay, sure," I turned back to her, hastily wiping my tears that were still on a freefall trajectory down my face.
She smiled, it was tender and full of understanding. She knew I was happy, overwhelmed and completely astounded, yes, but no less happy. "Congratulations."
I nodded, half laughing, while I struggled to pull myself back from completely falling apart. "Thank you."
. . .
We left, with me pushing Jack in his stroller, who was still miraculously asleep considering Edwards outburst in Dr Kendrick's office, while Edward trailed a couple of feet behind. He didn't speak a word, but his silence spoke volumes.
When I reached my car, I bent down to unlock Jack, when Edward intercepted me, clicking Jack's harness open and pulling him into his arms. He startled awake, and as Edward rocked him gently back and forth, Jack wrapped his arms around his father's neck and began to settle again.
"I have to get back to work, baby. Are you going to be okay?" he explained to me, continuing to sound apologetic.
"I'll be fine. Are you going to be okay?" I put it to him, my tone light despite my heart that continued to hammer erratically inside my chest with this impossibly unbelievable newfound revelation.
He smiled almost sheepishly, but he appeared so overrun I was beginning to really worry about him. "I'm okay," he mumbled, his eyes breaking from mine and dropping to the ground.
"Honey..." I began before letting it go. I was too overwhelmed to delve deeper into anything right at that moment, and I knew Edward had a lot to process as well.
He didn't push me to elaborate; he understood.
I unlocked the car and after Edward strapped Jack into his car seat he turned to me, yanking me suddenly into his arms.
For a moment I just clung to him, listening to him take one heavy breath after another, while his hands shook almost as acutely as mine.
"We'll talk about it tonight, okay?" he promised me, his voice becoming too afflicted while remaining distracted, and before I could answer he pulled me back and planted his lips to mine, and then again, briefly but tenderly.
"Okay," I murmured, stretching up on my toes to kiss him back quickly. "Love you," I whispered into his ear. "Only you could get passed my defences."
It was a double meaning, and one that made a genuine smile break across his face for the first time. Pushing it through his nose, he pulled me quickly to him one more time before completely releasing me.
"Take it easy, okay?" he appealed to me seriously, his brows raising high. "No chasing after squirt. Let the kid get a few scrapes and bruises."
"Okay, go back to work already. Bloody hell," I teased him, my smile broadening with his.
I watched him walk away. I watched his tall frame move with undoubted tension and stress. I watched as he tore his long fingers through his hair numerous times before he eventually disappeared from view; leaving me staring after him with concern deeply knotting my brow.
He was the absolute love of my life, my husband and father of my babies, but bloody hell, was he high maintenance. But then again, I wouldn't have him any other way.
. . .
I arrived back home just after 3 pm, five minutes before Ang pulled to a stop in front of the house. Our Monday afternoon playdate for the kids was at my house this week, but in the frame of mind I was in I'd completely forgotten.
"Hey, B," Ang greeted me warmly, carrying Josh under one arm with Lilly pulling on her free hand.
"Hey, Ang," I replied, my voice remaining shaky, as I opened the screen door for her and the kids.
She was distracted I could only presume, and that was the reason why she didn't immediately notice the present shock I was still in; that I had no way of getting under control. But the instant she took a moment to relax, her gaze zeroed in on me, her eyes narrowing in immediate concern.
"B...is everything okay?"
I think I shook my head, while attempting to nod at the same time, before breaking into fresh tears.
"Ang, I'm pregnant!" I uttered in barely a whisper, as if it was all a fragile illusion that at any moment would be shattered.
Angela's eyes immediately widened, her mouth dropping agape, and for several seconds she seemingly couldn't utter a sound.
"You-you are?!" she exclaimed, her own voice almost failing in shock.
I nodded repeatedly, my tears increasing until Ang became a blurry haze before me.
"Oh my god!" she cried, bursting into tears along with me before pulling me tightly into her arms. "Oh, B—that's amazing!"
"I can hardly believe it. It still feels like a dream," I sobbed, attempting to wipe my nose on the back of my sleeve, as Ang just as impulsively pulled me back, her expression flipping to serious so suddenly I almost laughed.
"So, everything's okay? The baby's not in your fallopian tube?" And digging into her pocket, she pulled out a crumbled tissue and clumsily dried my eyes.
I nodded, taking the tissue from her hands and laughing, because tears and laughter seemed to be the only way I could express my emotions at that point. "Yes, they're both in my uterus."
She immediately froze and straightened up. "Wait—what? There's two?"
"There's two," I echoed her, nodding hastily again. Then grabbing my bag, I fumbled around inside the side pocket; pulling out the sonogram picture of our two little peanuts that Dr Kendrick had given me before we'd left.
"Awwww, there they are," Ang cooed, her eyes filling once more with tears that just moments ago she'd wiped away. Then turning back to me, she all but squealed, before she started jumping up and down and dragging me with her. That was until Jack immediately reacted, attaching himself to my leg, his eyes widening in uncertainty.
Pulling myself quickly together, I reached down and pulled him into my arms, as Ang led me over to the sofa.
"Come sit down," she directed me, shaking her head in obvious disbelief. "So, does Edward know?"
"Yeah." I nodded, inhaling back the threat of more tears as I put Jack back down on his feet. "My doctor called him in after I had the sonogram."
"Is he okay about it?" she asked hesitantly this time, her tone dropping.
I opened my mouth to answer but paused, instantly recalling Edward's reaction. "He...he didn't take it well, no," I stammered, frowning.
"What do you mean?" Angela asked delicately, her expression all but mirroring mine.
"He completely flipped out." I shook my head, knowing I was misappropriating his behaviour. "I mean, not about the babies, but because it could have been another ectopic pregnancy."
"Oh," Ang replied, softly. "B...?" she breached a moment later, disrupting my thoughts.
Looking up, I again met her rather sedate gaze. "Yeah?"
"Do you think he could have...some kind of post-traumatic stress after what he witnessed?" she put to me cautiously.
I nodded, chewing on my bottom lip in contemplation. "I think he does to some extent, but he does get a lot of support through work—on what he has to deal with on a daily basis."
"Oh, well that's good," she murmured before her grin once more grew broad. "B, this is so exciting!"
I broke into a responsive smile, mainly because if I didn't I'd burst into tears again. "I know. I feel so...blessed."
Of course, I cried anyway, and for the remainder of the afternoon I remained in a haze of perpetual shock while flipping back and forth from tears to laughter.
Twins... Bloody hell. We were going to need two of everything, and by the time they were born Jack would still be months away from being two. I was going to have three kids in nappies!
It was almost overwhelming, and despite my present apprehension and anxiety on how I'd cope as a mother and as a wife, I truly did feel blessed.
And I knew—I knew instinctively—that they were my girls.
. . .
Edward arrived home just after six, and if I was concerned by how I was handling the news, it was seemingly nothing compared to how he obviously was. He looked absolutely shredded, while his expression was still deeply entrenched in a state of shock it could have been almost comical if I wasn't aware of exactly how it was torturing him.
"Hey, honey," he spoke softly, an almost natural smile momentarily breaking through to the surface, as he came out of the garage and into the kitchen.
I was preparing dinner, but I'd remained so distracted I was lucky I hadn't severed any of my digits.
"Hey, baby," I replied lightly, knowing I had to do something to break him from this torment of his.
And just as I was hoping, his expression quirked teasingly for the briefest moment, before he took the potato peeler from my hands and pulled me against him.
For the longest time he only held me against his chest, while I searched for some way to comfort him as I rested my head against that heated body of skin, of his.
"You okay?" he murmured against my ear.
"I'm fine." I sighed heavily.
"We'll talk after squirts in bed, okay?" he assured me after pulling back to peer into my eyes.
I was unsure what he was looking for, but if I knew my husband, it wasn't anything positive.
"Okay," I agreed with a quick, albeit strained, smile, just as Jack barrelled into the room, all but jumping on Edward's leg.
"Dad-dad!" he babbled against the material of Edward's work pants, a huge smile brightening his face.
Jack idolised his father, and he and Edward were buddies.
With his gaze breaking from mine, Edward looked down at Jack, his grin growing wide, before hoisting him up and over his shoulder. He carried Jack into the living room to play and wrestle about with him, and it was obvious Jack wasn't the only thing he was carrying.
I continued peeling potatoes with the sound of Jack and Edward's antics in the background, only today my response to it was a quiet concern. Edward loved Jack. He was our entire world, the much anticipated addition to our family; the child we were never promised. I never had to worry about how Edward would react to the prospect of us having a baby, because we'd spent so much time, money and effort to get him. But this time...I just wasn't sure how open Edward was to more children.
We ate dinner in near silence; silence that was deafening. Both of us focused on Jack and getting him to eat all his food, while deliberately ignoring the ginormous elephant in the room, and each other. Afterward, Edward ran Jack a bath while I cleared the table and cleaned the kitchen. There wasn't any tension between us, but the atmosphere was awkward and nerve-racking.
A half hour later, Edward carried Jack back into the kitchen, scrubbed clean and wearing his pyjamas; his dark, semi-damp hair combed neatly and parted to the side.
"Give Mama a kiss," Edward instructed him, leaning him forward without releasing him from his arms.
"Honey, I can put him down," I insisted, frowning, just as Jack planted a drooly, opened-mouth kiss over my lips, effectively cutting me off. "Goodnight, baby," I murmured, pressing my face against his chubby cheek before Edward readjusted him on his hip.
"No, I'll do it," he asserted. "Baby, the kitchen's clean." He sounded exasperated, before pulling the dishcloth from my hands and ushering me toward the living room with his free arm.
With a sigh—really bloody hoping he wasn't going into over-protective mode already—I conceded and sat down on the sofa, picking up my phone; if only to distract myself until he returned.
Edward was a no nonsense kind of father. While I often stayed with Jack until he was asleep, Edward would put him in his cot, say goodnight and then walk out the room with Jack's protesting cries following behind him. He always settled within a few minutes, but it always ripped my heart out. Yes, we were teaching him vital development on how to self-soothe and put himself to sleep, but hearing him cry for me made me recall certain memories I had long since buried.
"If you go in, you're going to make him worse," Edward would always reason with me, and I knew he was right, but it still stung on top of making me feel anxious.
Tonight it was no different. Edward walked into the living room completely nonplussed by the sound of Jack's cries, but today the edginess within me made me snap.
"Jesus, Edward! He's twelve months old. Do you think you could wait a few more months, at least, before you come down so hard on him?" And pushing past him, I attempted to go to my baby, when Edward grabbed my arm, preventing me.
He said nothing, he only held my gaze steadily, while his face was a tsunami of emotion. But I knew what he was doing, he was making a point, and not thirty seconds later Jack fell quiet.
Huffing, I yanked my arm from his grip, and turned my back on him, folding my arms across my chest.
Edward remained silent, I knew he was right behind me, I could feel the warmth of his body heat only inches from me, but for the longest time he didn't speak a word. Then gently, almost cautiously, his hands came to rest on my shoulders, before he turned me to face him again.
"Are you calm?" he put to me, his brow arching, while the smallest smile tugged on his lips.
"Are you honestly going to patronise me, right now!?" I challenged him, becoming engulfed by irritation while not completely understanding why.
Taking a deliberately frustrated breath, he turned me away from him again and coaxed me to sit back down. "Would you stop being a pain in the ass, woman!"
Sitting beside me on the sofa, he snaked his arm around me, persuading me to relax against him. I was tense and agitated, knowing it was being fuelled from him.
Again he was quiet; it was obvious he was lost in his own thoughts but his silence was making me edgy, and just as I was about to react impatiently to him, he mumbled in a voice that was almost awed.
"Do you realise we're going to have three kids under two years old?"
Letting go of my agitation instantly, I broke into a small smile. "I know..."
He shook his head lightly before dropping his lips to my temple; his breath washing over me. "I wasn't angry about the baby, or babies—fuck me," he muttered as if he was once more appraising it. "I was angry because it so easily could have gone bad."
I turned to gaze up at him, my eyes locking with his that were suddenly intense and burning.
I opened my mouth to reply, to reassure him once more that I was fine, when he added, "What the fuck would I do if I lost you, baby? And Jack losing his mother..." His voice became thick and compromised with emotion, and breaking off, he tore his fingers stiffly back through his shortly cropped hair.
"Honey..." I sighed, but in what seemed like a common occurrence for me, I abandoned it. I had to keep reminding myself that Edward had seen me die—he'd literally seen me after I was clinically dead. So for him the reality that it could happen again was a very real possibility.
I understood the fear of losing him. It was a dark thought that was always lurking beneath the surface, whispering horrifying hypotheticals if I ever pondered it for a fraction too long. I knew what life had been like without him, but I didn't know, while praying I'd never find out, the heartache of losing him completely.
But for Edward it had been a reality. He had been faced with an uncertain future without me, and although I wasn't there to witness the amount of pain he'd been in, what Rose had informed me had haunted me ever since.
He'd completely broken down.
I hadn't seen Edward cry, at least break down in tears, since we were eighteen years old, and in a way I was glad I didn't see him go through that again. The images of what Rose's words had created in my mind were bad enough.
Laying my head on his shoulder, I buried my face against his neck and closed my eyes as the steady rhythm of his pulse reverberated against my cheek. In response he planted his lips to my forehead, resting against me for several moments, before he spoke up as if in sudden conclusion.
"I'm going to get a vasectomy."
"Are you sure?" I asked surprised after raising my head to meet his tortured gaze.
"Baby, jesus, of course I'm sure. It's obvious now you can still get pregnant, and I'm not going to risk your life again by leaving it to chance." He stood firm, his voice impassioned. A little too much so.
His intensity was one of the things I loved most about him, but the level of it was wearying sometimes.
"Okay," I acknowledged softly, pressing my lips to his neck briefly, before relaxing once more against him.
He tightened his arms around me, almost scoffing. "I knew something funny was going on. Since when are you a 'double D'?"
"I'm not a double D," I protested lightly, glad for the most part that his bleak mood had broken.
He only chuckled, once more turning quiet; humming his breath occasionally to himself as he played with my hand before bringing the back of it to his lips.
"Honey?" I put to him hesitantly when his silence again began to unnerve me.
He only hummed further in question.
"Are you happy?" I asked him, knowing I sounded meek and unsure of myself, before turning my head to gauge his reaction.
"Of course I am," he answered without a pause, before adding, his smile growing warm and more or less to himself. "And I kind of like that we did it ourselves."
This time it was me who hummed contently, as I let go of my breath in relief.
"Plus, I was getting worried about squirt being an only child," he continued, nudging me gently. "You spoil him."
I really couldn't argue there. He was right; I did.
"But, jesus, three college funds are going to kill me," he joked. "I'll have to rob a bank, or start growing drugs in the backyard like my sister and her asshole husband."
Chuckling beneath my breath, I snuggled further back against him. "What are you going to call them, since you can't call them 'petri-dish' this time?"
"Hmm," he mumbled in contemplation before answering, "Swimmers."
"Oh my god," I murmured good-naturedly, and in response Edward laughed in that soft-timbered tone of his, before guiding my face to his to kiss me.
"You sure as hell don't look like you're pregnant with twins," he admitted after a moment.
"That's because they're only about an inch long," I explained.
"They're girls," he suddenly decided, groaning lightly to himself. "Fuck me, I need to buy a gun."