Lily hurried through the entrance hall, maintaining a purposeful stride as she headed for the stairs. She could only imagine the spectacle she was making with his black robes billowing behind her, smiling to herself as she imitated his trademark scowl. Yes, impersonating Severus was easier than she'd thought it would be, though she still hoped to make it to his office without being seen.
The castle was dimly lit, pervaded by an unnatural stillness that sent a shiver up her spine as she ascended the stairs. No hint of noise, not a breath of movement… even the portraits showed no signs of life as she passed, as if they'd somehow been replaced by their Muggle counterparts. Such was Hogwarts without its students in residence – a cold, hollow place, an empty vessel waiting to be filled.
"Snape?"
Lily jumped, whipping her head around to peer into a nearby alcove. "Who's there?"
"Me," a man's voice rasped as a shadow separated itself from the wall, stepping out into the faint torchlight. She immediately recognized him as one of the Carrows, though she couldn't remember his name. Alec? Alex?
Suppressing a twinge of panic, she looked down her nose at him. "I am your headmaster. You will address me as such."
"Of course," the man said, looking flustered. "Forgive me, Headmaster. I was just wondering… that is… "
"Well? Spit it out."
"I was just wondering if you'd had a chance to approve my suggested changes. To the curriculum, that is."
She stared at him blankly, then sucked in a deep breath. "Those changes are still under consideration. You'll have my answer in the morning."
"Yes, Headmaster Snape. Thank you."
Satisfied with her performance, Lily stalked away. She made her way up one flight of stairs and then another, until finally, she reached the base of the tower leading up to the headmaster's office. Breathing out a sigh of relief, she began to ascend.
"Severus?"
Oh, bloody hell. What now?!
When she spun around, she was greeted by a pair of familiar gray eyes, glaring daggers at her from beneath a tartan nightcap.
"Yes, Minerva? What do you need? I was just about to retire."
"I wanted to speak with you."
"This is hardly an opportune moment, wouldn't you agree? Whatever it is, I'm sure it can wait until morning."
Unlike Carrow, Minerva wasn't intimidated by Lily's icy tone. She rose to the challenge, advancing a couple steps until they were standing face to face. "I would've been happy to do this weeks ago, Severus. But you've hardly been in residence all summer, nor have you bothered to respond to my requests for a meeting."
"I've been busy," Lily said stiffly, flicking a lock of limp black hair out of her eyes.
"Busy?" Minerva echoed, giving her a scathing look. "Out killing Muggles, were you? Or shut away with your master somewhere, laughing at all the innocent people who were foolish enough to put their trust in you? Tell me… did you feel anything when you killed him? When you saw him there on his knees, defenseless, begging for his life… was there even the slightest twinge of conscience as you lifted your wand? Or did you just… ?"
"Enough!" Lily roared, startling herself with the intensity of her voice. "Enough," she repeated more quietly. "You will not speak to me that way. And you will address me by my proper title."
"Very well, Severus. Which one would you prefer? Murderer? Traitor? Cowardly son of a… "
From out of nowhere, countless images flickered through Lily's mind. Severus, struggling to defend Harry and his friends against a man he believed to be a cold-blooded murderer. Doing his best to save Sirius's life, despite all the enmity that lay between them. Working tirelessly over Dumbledore's cursed hand, desperate to save the man who'd been abusing his loyalty for years. Severus… miserable and alone, haunted by a past he could never escape… forced into silence, forced to do despicable things, yet never shying away from them. Not even when Dumbledore had ordered him to do the most unthinkable thing of all, condemning him to a world full of isolation and undeserved hatred.
And for Minerva to stand here and call him a traitor? A coward?!
"You have no idea what you're talking about, you foolish woman," she spat from between clenched teeth. It was only when she remembered the precariousness of Severus's situation that she managed to bring her temper under control. "Though your personal opinions are hardly relevant in any case. I am your headmaster now, and you will treat me with respect, or… "
Minerva drew herself up to her full height. "I'm not afraid of you, Severus. Draw your wand, and we'll see who… "
"Gryffindors," Lily said, rolling her eyes. "Always so dramatic. I'm not threatening your safety, Minerva, simply reminding you that as your employer, I reserve the right to terminate your employment at my discretion. Do not give me a reason to do so."
"You can't… "
Lily smirked. "Try me."
Minerva opened her mouth, then closed it again, shaking her head in frustration. "Fine, I won't say another word. But if you hurt those children, Severus… if you harm a single hair on their precious heads, I'll make you regret it. Remember that."
Unable to help herself, Lily cocked an eyebrow. "Does that only hold true for the Gryffindors, or can the Slytherins hope to enjoy your protection as well?"
"The Slytherins hardly need… "
"Yes, that's what I thought you'd say. Goodnight, Minerva."
Severus paced the clearing for almost an hour before deciding it was safe to return to the castle. As headmaster, he had the ability to Apparate anywhere on the grounds with the exception of his private quarters. Frustrating, though he supposed it made sense. Those rooms were protected by the most powerful wards in existence, designed to be impenetrable. If that meant even the headmaster had limited means of accessing them, then so be it.
A soft "pop" returned him to his office, where he looked up to find Dumbledore staring at him through painted eyes. The old wizard's attention shifted from him to the tapestry, forehead wrinkling in a bemused frown.
"Severus? I could've sworn I just saw you… "
So Lily had made it. She was safe. Releasing a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding, Severus shrugged. "You must've drifted off for a few minutes. I just popped back down to give some last-minute instructions to Filch."
"What sort of instructions?"
Severus rolled his eyes. Nosy bastard. "The Weasley twins have developed a charming product that emits the screams of a banshee," he said, coming up with the lie on the spot. "Virtually undetectable to the naked eye unless one knows how to look for the signs."
Dumbledore leaned forward, clearly intrigued. "And how's that?"
"A slight shimmer on the back of a student's hand."
"Brilliant!"
"Indeed," Severus said dryly. "It's so wonderful to see all that talent devoted to the creation of childish pranks. Far better than doing something useful with it, like developing protective measures for the war effort."
"Oh, come, Severus. Those boys are loyal members of the Order. We cannot predict how much they'll have to sacrifice before the end. Would you begrudge them a little fun in the meantime?"
"No," he admitted reluctantly, feeling a twinge of guilt as he remembered George's severed ear. "A pointless discussion at any rate, particularly since I'm too tired to care. I'm going to bed."
Dumbledore nodded. "Yes, get some sleep. You look like you need it."
Bowing his head in acknowledgment, Severus slipped behind the tapestry and entered his quarters. The rooms were quiet enough to assume that Lily had fallen asleep until he heard a trickle of water from the bathroom. Horrified, he jerked his head around to stare at the closed door.
"Lily? Are you… " He stopped abruptly, cringing as he heard the toilet flush. "Are you still Polyjuiced?"
"I'll be out in a minute," came a muffled reply in his own voice. "Sorry, but I really had to go. Feels a bit different for a man, doesn't it?"
"I… ah, can't say I have a frame of reference for that."
"No, I suppose not." Lily responded, her voice full of barely suppressed amusement. "You're not embarrassed, are you? I mean, it's not like I've never seen it before."
"What?! When? I never… "
"Oh, that was years ago. Remember the spider? On your shoe, just as you were coming out of the headmaster's office. You trapped it in a vial… "
"Shit." Severus dropped onto the couch. "That was you?"
"Yep."
"God, Lily, I was going to chop you up and use you for potions ingredients!"
"I figured as much. What kind of potion?"
"That's hardly the point! I nearly killed you!"
"No, Severus, you didn't," she said, the tone of her voice making it clear that the Polyjuice was wearing off. "Granted, I hadn't realized that I'd just switch to another animal if the spider was killed, so it was a bit frightening. But… "
"I'm sorry," he said quietly.
"For what? You couldn't have known."
"No, I suppose not." He leaned back, resting his head against the couch as he tried to recall that night in more detail. Setting the vial on the table, yes… stripping off his clothes, then getting into the shower, and… wanking. Lots of wanking. Right there in front of her. "Fuck," he groaned, burying his head in his hands. "I didn't… "
"What's wrong?"
He glanced up at the bathroom door, thankful it was still closed. "Nothing." If she wasn't going to mention it, he sure as hell wasn't either. "How are you feeling?"
In response, she let out a strange noise, somewhere between a squeak and a groan.
"Lily?"
"I… it's fine. Just the Polyjuice. It's going away, I… oh… " She sounded like herself now, though her voice was tremulous, as if her strength was fading along with the effects of the potion.
"What's going on? Do you need my help?"
"No, I can… " Trailing off, she let out a heavy sigh. "Yes, please. Would you mind?"
When he opened the door, she was seated on the floor with her head resting against the wall. The last remnants of the potion were gone, her smaller frame nearly swallowed by the black robes pooling out around her. Kneeling down, he tilted her face up to the light, concerned by the dark smudges beneath her eyes, standing out in sharp relief against the ghostly pallor of her skin.
"Don't worry," she said, flashing him a weak smile. "I'm all right. Just a bit tired. I think the Polyjuice helped, though it could've been the Strength Potion. I really don't know… "
"You weren't ready for that much exertion, with or without the potions. I'm sorry it was necessary, but at least you'll be more comfortable now. Come on… let's get you to bed."
She nodded, leaning forward as he slipped an arm around her to help her to her feet.
"Would you like me to carry you?"
"No, I can walk. Just don't let me fall, okay?"
"Never."
She took a couple steps then stumbled, clinging to his arm as she scowled down at her feet. "These robes aren't helping."
"Shall we take them off?" he asked, trying to ignore the suggestiveness of the question.
"Yes, please."
Letting her hold on to him for support, Severus unfastened the robes, sliding them off her shoulders and letting them fall to the floor before turning his attention to the frock coat. Soon enough, she was clad in nothing but his white button-down shirt, a delectable sight that sent a jolt of arousal through his body.
"Come," he said, grateful for the concealment provided by his own voluminous clothing. He was her caretaker, not her lover, which he did his best to remember as he helped her slip between the sheets. Unfortunately, that was easier said than done as she gazed up at him through drowsy eyes, bright red hair spilling in a glorious mass across the pillow.
"Comfortable?" he said, alarmed by the husky tone in his voice. It seemed so obvious, though she hardly seemed to notice as she stifled a huge yawn.
"Yes. Thank you."
"You're welcome," he responded, forcing himself to turn away. "Well… get some sleep then."
"What about you?"
"Me? Oh, I… have some paperwork I need to finish up. I'll just be in the study."
"Severus," she murmured, and he heard her shift behind him. "You're exhausted. Can't that wait until morning?"
"I suppose so," he said, letting out a weary sigh. "All right… I'll be on the couch if you need me."
"Severus."
"Yes?" He turned around to find himself staring into a pair of exasperated green eyes.
"We've been sharing a bed for years now. What's changed?"
Everything, he wanted to tell her, though he couldn't think of a tactful way to express his thoughts. How could he point out that there was a world of difference between curling up with a cat and lying down next to the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen? No matter how he phrased it, she'd realize he was attracted to her, upsetting the delicate balance between them. And in her current condition, weak and vulnerable as she was? Such a revelation could easily leave her feeling threatened, which was the last thing he wanted.
"You're still recovering, Lily. What you need is rest, preferably without any disturbance. I might toss and turn, or have a nightmare, or… "
"You're as tired as I am, or close to it," she pointed out, giving him a stubborn look. "You need to sleep in a proper bed, not on some cramped up couch."
"I can always transfigure… "
"Oh, come on. This bed is huge. Besides, you've always been a quiet sleeper. You won't disturb me, I promise."
He could've countered her arguments, but the pleading in her eyes was impossible to resist. With a heavy sigh, he removed his robes, extinguishing most of the lights before taking off his frock coat. Seating himself on the other side of the bed, he pulled off his boots and socks before sliding beneath the covers.
Lily was correct – the bed was quite large, leaving plenty of space between them. She was also right in pointing out how exhausted he was, though of course, that had been his reasoning for suggesting the couch. It would've been easier to focus on sleep without her lying next to him, that damnable shirt slipping down to expose a bare shoulder as she turned on her side.
"Goodnight, Severus," she whispered, snuggling deeper into the blankets as her eyes drifted closed.
"Goodnight, Lily."
Unable to help himself, Severus watched Lily as she fell asleep, stunned all over again by the miracle of her return. It wasn't a constant feeling, but one that struck him at random intervals, like bells sounding out to mark the hour. He'd almost forget, focused on potions or sleeping arrangements or some other practical matter. And then suddenly, he'd feel that telltale prickling behind his eyes again, his heart pounding in his chest as he was blindsided by another onslaught of emotion.
As with all things, he hid it well. Lily needed him to be strong, to maintain his composure in the dark days to come. Of course, he had every intention of doing so. Anything for her. But that didn't mean he wanted to think about it just yet. Fuck the war. Fuck the Dark Lord and Potter, the Death Eaters and the Order and everyone in between. Fuck his new role as headmaster, and fuck his inevitable demise. The only reality that mattered to him in this moment was Lily.
Lily… a shining beacon in a world of darkness. His heart, his soul, his own personal miracle, and in the end, his greatest triumph. All the failures that lay behind him seemed like nothing compared to this one simple truth. He'd brought Lily back. He'd saved her. One last chance, which he didn't intend to squander. No, he couldn't hope to survive this war, but he'd make damn sure she did. And that would be his final gift to them both. For her, a future where fear was no more than a distant memory… and for him? The comfort of knowing his life hadn't been lived in vain.
With that thought, Severus turned to face the wall, closing his eyes as he tried to relax. It almost worked… he was nearly asleep when he heard a rustling noise behind him, followed by a soft, breathy moan.
Fuck.
He glanced over his shoulder, his body immediately reacting to the sight of her. She was stretched out on her back, long, shapely legs illuminated by a sliver of moonlight. She'd pushed the covers off, one hand resting on her bare thigh, while the other was hidden in the folds of the shirt that had slipped down even further, exposing a tantalizing swell of breast with just a hint of… oh god, if she moved even slightly…
Forcing himself to look away, Severus brought his eyes up to her face. That was another mistake, one that proved to be his downfall as he took in her tangled hair, her flushed cheeks, her lips parting ever so slightly in a barely audible sigh.
Cursing under his breath, he sprang from the bed, headed straight for the bathroom.
"Fuck, Lily," he muttered, locking the door before casting a quick Muffliato. "You'll be the death of me."
Unfastening his trousers, he tried not to think about what he was doing. He just wanted to finish himself off as quickly as possible so he could get some sleep. But that all changed when the fantasy took over, a vivid image of her lying beside him followed by all the things he would've done if she'd been his to claim.
How would he have woken her? As gently as possible, leaning close to whisper in her ear as he stroked her cheek with the backs of his fingers. She would've moaned in response, the same sweet sound that still echoed in his ears, only in this case, he'd recognize it as an invitation to proceed. That, he would gladly do, pushing her hair aside to nuzzle her neck as he slid a hand inside her shirt to caress her breasts, his thumb brushing across her nipples while she shivered beneath his touch.
Severus began to pant, one hand braced against the wall as he stroked himself with the other, gradually picking up momentum.
Maybe he'd stop for a minute, just to see how she'd react. Would her eyes fly open, bewildered by the absence of pleasure? Would she beg him to resume his attentions? "Please, Severus," he could almost hear her whisper, and he shuddered at the thought, gripping himself more tightly.
She'd be fully awake by then, watching him with those beautiful green eyes as he proceeded to unfasten the buttons of her shirt. One after the other, prolonging the task for as long as he could stand it until finally, he'd come to the final button. And then he'd force himself to pause again, leaning over to capture her mouth in a deep, passionate kiss before pulling back to whisper in her ear.
"Say it, Lily," he'd murmur, tracing the contours with the tip of his tongue. "Tell me what you want."
"You."
Realizing he was teetering on the brink, Severus tried to slow down, not ready to let go of the fantasy. But he was too far gone now, harsh pants mingled with ragged grunts as he stroked himself faster, harder, a dozen images flickering through his mind in quick succession. Lily gazing up at him as he pushed the folds of her shirt aside… his lips moving down the length of her body… over her breasts, across her stomach and up her thighs, finally settling between them. Tasting her, touching her, hearing her whimper his name as he pleasured her with his mouth…
"Fuck," he groaned, his train of thought shattered as a powerful climax ripped through his body. "Lily… "
When he came back to his senses, he was slumped against the wall, still breathing heavily as he reached up to wipe the sweat from his forehead. He hadn't come like that since… well, he couldn't even remember. Perhaps he should've felt ashamed of himself, but all he knew was an overwhelming sense of relief, especially when he thought about the deeper implications. Living in close proximity to Lily, beautifully human and so maddeningly desirable, wouldn't be easy. But if he could slip away sometimes, do what was necessary to ease the tension, perhaps he'd be able to manage well enough.
Deeply exhausted, he exited the bathroom, shooting the couch a dismissive glance before heading back to bed. Stretching out on his back, he pulled the covers over them both before turning to look at her again. But the sight of her provoked a different emotion this time, a raw, empty feeling he could never hope to satisfy with a quick trip to the bathroom.
More than anything, he just wanted to hold her, to feel the warmth of her body in his arms as he drifted off to sleep. He wanted it so much, in fact, that he started to reach for her, almost deluding himself into believing she wouldn't mind. That maybe, just maybe, she'd welcome his embrace.
And then he turned to face the wall again, cursing himself for his stupidity. This was Lily, who'd only ever thought of him as a friend. Lily, who'd married another man, happy in her choice until his own actions had torn her world apart. Lily, who treated him with kindness, a fond sort of affection, despite having every reason to hate him. What right did he have to wish for anything more?
None whatsoever, though he supposed that was a moot point. Some things just couldn't be helped.