Judgement: Chapter 35

...

The bang of the gavel rang in his ears and the horror filled session was finally over. He could feel his heart pounding in his chest and his pulse beating loudly in his ears, shutting off the cascade of voices that tumbled around him. People reached out to him but he was too stunned to respond, his eyes staring, but seeing nothing but the blurring of people as they came into view mouthing words he didn't hear. He sensed their kindness, but wanted nothing to do with the emotion he saw in their eyes. All he felt was Sam's warm hand on the back of his neck, but even that was not enough to still the panic that was rising in his chest. The crush of people surrounding him suddenly became claustrophobic and he felt the need to escape, to run from them and from the images still locked in his head and from the sounds of his own screams he'd been forced to listen to and unable to block out. He pushed through the throng of men in front of him and shoved past well-wishers, ignoring the many hands held out to shake his. He wanted nothing to do with any of them or the smiling faces that signaled the hollow victory or the pitying glances behind the smiles, so he bolted from the room. He heard his name called out by familiar voices, but it didn't stop him. Once free, he ran out of the building, fighting to breathe, to be alone, to be somewhere else, anywhere but among the strangers who now knew his most private childhood terrors and who were witnesses to today's harrowing loss of dignity.

He moved quickly out into the light of the late afternoon, seeking solace in anonymity among the swarming tourists. He feared someone would come after him and he didn't want to be found, so he lost himself as he'd been trained to do, furtively watching in case he was being followed. His breathing was shallow and tentative and he realized he hadn't taken a deep breath since the video had begun to play. He stopped, drawing in needed air and closing his eyes as his own screams reverberated once again through head. He knew now he had never really dealt with any of that horrific ordeal. He had simply put it in the back of his mind because he'd had to in order to carry out the planning for the final assault on Lee Chao.

Someone touched his arm and he jerked away, automatically reaching back for a gun that wasn't there.

"You okay, man?" A soldier asked. He was with his family and he looked concerned and his question puzzled Deeks.

"Yeah, no. Why?" Deeks asked, nervously brushing his hair back from his face.

"You looked like you were about to pass out," the soldier said and he took Deeks by the arm and led him over to a stone bench and gently pushed him down. The soldier's wife handed him a bottle of water and the young family stood around him as he drank all of it down. He felt warm tears on his face and he stood in embarrassment as the emotions of the day finally caught up with him. He stumbled blindly, trying to run once again, but the soldier simply caught his arm and made him sit back down and then sat down next to him, motioning for his family to leave them.

"Listen, man. I don't know what you're going through, but I can listen if you want to talk," the soldier said quietly.

Deeks stared off into space for a while, not acknowledging that the man had spoken. He roughly wiped his face and stared down at his hands, surprised at the tears clinging to his fingers. He leaned forward to stare at the green grass in front of him and then out across The Mall at the monuments beyond. The soldier sat silently by his side as he collected himself, a solid presence that reminded him of Sam. He was a stranger, but a stranger who knew nothing about him and that was more comforting than anything.

"Thanks," Deeks said hoarsely. "Been a rough day."

"I recognized the look," the soldier said.

"What look?" Deeks asked.

"You look like you just came out of a bad firefight," he answered.

"Yeah. Something like that," Deeks said. "Just not with guns."

"But you're used to having one, right?" He asked. "I saw you reach for it when I touched you."

"Cop." Deeks said, surprised he'd used that description of himself.

The soldier nodded, patting him solidly on the back as he stood.

"Talk to someone, man," the soldier said. "It helps. Believe me, I know."

"Thanks, buddy," Deeks said and turned to watch the soldier rejoin his family and become lost in the wandering groups of tourists.

Deeks sat quietly reviewing the day, recalling his thought that he could control his emotions by slipping into an alias and he laughed bitterly at his naïveté. He was exhausted, but he stood and began to walk toward the monuments gleaming in the distance, determined to lose himself in the city and find some sense of peace away from his memories and the lingering emotions of the day.

...

"Why did you let him go?" Kensi asked angrily as the two senior agents stood silently in front of her looking at the floor.

"Kens, I think he just needed to be alone, away from all of it," Callen finally said, his voice low, trying to make her understand that it wasn't a rejection.

"From us too?" She asked quietly.

"You left when that video started playing," Sam said softly as he wrapped her in a hug. "He couldn't. He had to relive it, Kens. It made everyone in that room sick, but think what it must of been like for him to have to sit there and listen to his own screams and remember the pain that caused them."

"I should have stayed, Sam," she whispered. "I should have been there for him, but I just couldn't bear to watch him suffer like that."

"I don't think he was aware of anyone else in the room, Kensi," Hetty said softly as she joined them.

Joe stood a little way behind her, his face still so clouded with rage that Kensi was shocked at the difference in the usually good-natured man. She walked away from Sam and went to stand in front of him, knowing exactly how and what he was feeling.

"Don't blame yourself for that Joe," she said. "He wouldn't want you to do that."

"I was his partner, Kensi," Joe said weakly. "I should have started looking for him sooner. If I had..."

"Stop it, Joe!" Kensi cut him off. Then she hugged him and she felt the tension ripple through his muscles. He took a deep breath and stepped back from her as the others joined them.

"I wouldn't blame him if he didn't show up tomorrow," Joe said, shaking his head. "I yelled at my own boss for showing that video, so I might not even have a job after this fuckin' dog and pony show is over."

"He had no choice, Mr. Atwood," Hetty said firmly. "As difficult as it was to watch, the men and women of that committee had to be made aware of the lies Granger is willing to perpetrate in order to lay the blame for his own mistakes at Mr. Deeks' feet. We can't allow that to happen. Granger is pulling out all the stops. Exposing Deeks' abusive childhood and the psych evals that followed and emotionally stripping him bare before everyone in that room is part of his game plan. But tomorrow, it will be our turn to give Granger some of his own medicine. So, prepare yourself Joe. Tomorrow won't be much easier on either one of you, but Granger's true colors will come out and I do hope Mr. Deeks will be there to see it."

"Can't we just shoot the fucking bastard?" Joe asked.

"You're starting to sound like Kensi," Callen said.

"How did Deeks get two partners who like to shoot people?" Sam asked.

"Well, if anybody deserves it, Granger and that shit face Senator Hoskins do," Joe said angrily.

"I've been in meetings with that particularly obnoxious Senator," Hetty said, shivering dramatically for effect. "He's so full of hot air that if you poked him with a needle he'd fly around the room backwards."

That description made them all laugh out loud and alleviated some of the tension they were all still feeling.

"Well, he's definitely in Granger's corner," Callen said seriously.

"More like his puppet, if you ask me," Hetty said. "I think Granger has something on the man."

"Should we have Eric take a look at that possibility?" Callen asked.

"No. That would be dangerous for Mr. Beale," Hetty replied and Callen let the thought go.

"What was Director Vance's take on today's session, Hetty?" Sam asked in a low voice.

"He was very shaken by the video and by what Mr. Deeks endured," she answered. "I think he was surprised that he had the strength and courage to withstand that level of torture. He knows from experience just how hard it is to resist."

They were all quiet for a while as they assimilated what she had just said. They had all gone through some rough interrogations during their time in the field, and now there was a connection between each of them and the Director that hadn't been there before.

"Did he know about the psych evals?" Callen asked.

"He did, Mr. Callen," Hetty said. "But, I think that whole attack on Mr. Deeks' childhood and the trauma he went through, backfired on Granger. I think the committee was sympathetic towards Mr. Deeks after that, especially when they discovered he was only eleven at the time."

"Do you know anything about Senator Ryan, Hetty?" Callen asked with a searching look in his eye.

"As a matter of fact, I do, Mr. Callen," Hetty replied. "He's a decorated veteran of Iraq and the son of a close friend of Roger Stinson, the Executive Assistant Director of the National Security Branch of the FBI. Roger owes me and when he found out Mick Ryan was selected to be one of the committeemen for this hearing he introduced us. Unofficially, of course. Needless to say, I gave him an earful about Granger and some insight into Mr. Deeks. I think he is now firmly on our side, especially after seeing that video."

"Soldiers understand what it takes to survive something like that," Sam said softly.

"Do you think he's okay?" Kensi asked quietly.

They all knew who she meant and Sam pulled her close as they stood looking out over the city. They made plans for dinner together back at the hotel in case he returned, then began the walk back. No one spoke, but occasionally each one would search the passing crowds hoping to see him.

...

He breathed deeply as he sat by the Reflecting Pool below the Lincoln Memorial, the marble brilliantly white against the deep indigo sky hanging softly over the city. He let his mind wander as he watched tourists stroll by him and he wondered what it would be like to live a normal life, to work without a gun or the need to be hyper vigilant all the time. Could he do that? He wasn't sure. Maybe he needed the adrenalin rush or maybe he just needed to tempt fate to remind himself how he had cheated it as a child. Maybe he needed that constant feeling of living on the edge to appreciate that he'd survived. Shit. Maybe he was just addicted to the violence. He had lived with it throughout the majority of his life. He had learned to live with it early. He had been baptized in it by his father. Could he change this late in the game and just walk away? It was tempting to do that. To disappear from the life he knew and create an entirely new one, completely different from the one he was living. He could do that. It would be easy. Like taking on an alias, only this time it would be permanent. He toyed with the thought, seriously considering what it would mean to him and to the friends he had made. Could he leave them without a backward glance? Could he leave Kensi and forget what they had together?

The thoughts halted as a group of four soldiers walked past him, their faces serious and drawn. He watched as they took one of the pathways leading away from the glowing monument and disappeared among the trees. He decided to follow them. He desperately needed a distraction and they were as good as any, reminding him of the kindness he had experienced from the soldier earlier that afternoon. He walked quickly after them and finally saw them standing at the entry to the Vietnam Veteran's Memorial. The Wall. He'd read about it and felt a chill raced down his spine as the four soldiers walked down the slope toward the center. He followed, walking silently past the eerie black reflective wall etched with the names of the dead. The lower the slope took him the more sound became deadened and the outside world dropped away, leaving him with his own dark reflection mirrored behind the names.

He paused and watched the four men searching for a name and when one found it, he called softly to the others. One of the men pulled a small box from his pocket and opened it, proudly showing the medal inside to his friends. Deeks could see tears quickly blinked away as the man knelt and placed it on the ledge at the base of the haunting dark wall. Then the soldier stood and ran his fingers over a particular name and then bowed his head for a few seconds before turning to his friends. In unison they faced the wall and saluted. Each friend touched the soldier in their own way as they walked off together leaving him alone with his questions.

Deeks was strangely touched by what he had seen, even though they were strangers and he knew nothing of their story. The silence that surrounded this place was comforting and people came and went quietly, whispering as they touched the dark granite and then moved silently on. Over fifty thousand stories echoed around him, all ending here to be revered by strangers and sometimes by family, but never forgotten because of their sacrifice. Now he knew he couldn't run away. He couldn't surrender to his fear of what would come tomorrow or the day after that. His battle had been short, but he had survived, and he had made a difference by taking out a man who would have thought nothing of killing men and women like these whose names were carved into this wall.

He suddenly felt proud of himself. He had done his job and that job was important. He had let his emotions overwhelm him today and it had shaken him and made him feel vulnerable and Granger had used that to his advantage. But, he wouldn't let that happen again. He absorbed the strength and courage from the spirit of the soldiers that surrounded him and grew more confident as he did. He looked past the names at his own reflection in the black granite and he saw a man who needed to stand up for the truth, not be burdened by it.

Slowly he became filled with cold determination and he began to mentally strip himself of all emotion about what had happened during that final assault. He needed to be dispassionate about that night and about his future. He would tell the truth as he had lived it and if the committee decided to lay the blame at his feet then he would live with that as well. His future might hang in the balance, but that wasn't the most important consideration. He was determined to honor the men who had died that night. Men whose names were carved into granite headstones set in places scattered across the country. Men who had made the ultimate sacrifice trying to keep Lee Chao from bringing chaos and death down on innocent people. He wouldn't let the committee forget those men or play politics over their graves. They deserved as much reverence and honor as the men and women whose names were etched into the dark wall in front of him.

His mind clear, he turned and walked solemnly up and out of the memorial. A soft breeze moved gently through the tops of the trees above him and he felt calm for the first time that day. He was suddenly hungry and wondered if Kensi had already eaten. He regretted running from the friends who had stood by him today, and he needed to apologize for that. They didn't deserve it and although he wasn't sure he deserved their friendship, he knew he was a better and stronger person because of it. Leaving that kind of friendship behind wasn't an option. It was too rare and hard to come by; that he knew beyond reason. No, this was his life, good or bad and there was no reason to create a new one. Leaving Kensi? Well, that would just be stupid. He laughed at the thought as he walked back toward the hotel, pulling his phone and texting her about dinner. Tomorrow would come soon enough, but tonight was his.

...