Thanks for the reviews. This chapter is pretty much a PSA for baby wearing but you can blame Brennan and her anthropology lessons for that...
Chapter 37.
Booth's back was stiff when he woke the next morning. He cracked one eye open. Brennan was leaning against the doorjamb in her bathrobe, watching him with a smile. Looking around at the green walls with their pink trim, he realised that he was still in the rocking chair with C.C., the bottle that he'd used to feed her lying discarded on the rug at his feet.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you," Brennan told him when she saw that he was awake. "I was just checking on Celia."
"It's okay." He glanced down at their daughter, noting with relief that she was still dozing peacefully in his arms. "She's fine, see? Sleeping." He rotated his left shoulder, then his right, shifting C.C.'s weight from one arm to the other as he tried to work the kinks out of his joints without disturbing her. "What time is it?"
"It's almost five-thirty."
If he left now, he might be able to fit in a brief nap before work. He stood up slowly, offering the baby to her. "Here you go, Mommy. She's all yours."
"Hold on." Brennan disappeared into the hall, returning a moment later with a piece of cloth tied over one shoulder like a sash which she opened for him so that it formed a kind of shallow sack. "Put her in here," she instructed.
"What is that? It looks like a pouch. You know, like a kangaroo."
"That's the idea," she agreed.
"Are you sure that's safe?" he asked, clutching their daughter protectively to his chest. "What if she falls out?"
"Women have been carrying their children this way since prehistoric times, Booth," she assured him. "In Indonesia, infants are traditionally carried in a sling called a 'selendang' which is very similar to this. In Korea, it's called a 'podaegi' and is worn on the back. Examples can also been seen in Africa, South America and other parts of Asia like Tibet where they're often made from animal skins. As long as it's secure and her breathing isn't restricted she's not in any danger."
If she said it was okay, then he decided that it probably was. She would never do anything to put C.C. at risk. He settled her inside, waiting until she was cradled snugly against Brennan's chest to let go.
"There, that's not so bad, is it?" she cooed to the sleeping baby.
"I don't know – she looks kind of squished," Booth insisted. Her knees were tucked up so that they were almost touching her chest and her arms were crossed over her body; she couldn't have moved much if she wanted to.
"It's not hurting her," Brennan assured him. "Most newborns like the feeling of being confined. It's very soothing for them. It reminds them of being in the womb."
Booth shifted his attention back to their daughter. He supposed that it wasn't all that different to being swaddled. It actually looked kind of cozy.
He smiled, pinching one of C.C.'s tiny curled hands between his thumb and forefinger. "Can you believe we made her?"he asked in a hushed whisper. As the father of an eight-year-old, he shouldn't be astounded by the so-called 'miracle of life' anymore, but he was just as amazed by her now as he was by Parker when he was first born.
"We didn't 'make' her, Booth," Brennan corrected him. "Making implies that we constructed her by combining various disparate parts. While her conception was the intended outcome of me being inseminated, she's just as much a product of random chance as you or I."
"We made her, Bones," he insisted. They might not have done it in the traditional way, but the divine creature between them was without a doubt the most beautiful thing to have come out of their five year partnership. "She exists because of us. Because of what we did." So there was a doctor involved in there somewhere as well. That didn't make it any less amazing.
"I think I know what you mean," Brennan agreed after a moment, studying their daughter herself as though she were trying to see what he saw. "I think I finally understand now why you were so eager for me to experience this."
He didn't answer, waiting for her to go on.
"I've been alone for most of my life," she continued. "Sometimes I even managed to convince myself that I liked it. Then I gave birth and something changed inside of me. All the things I thought mattered – all the grants and awards – pale in comparison to moments like this where I'm just watching her sleep. I never knew that my heart could feel this… full. Metaphorically, of course."
"Of course," he agreed with a smile. She didn't have to explain what she meant because he understood exactly what she was trying to say: C.C. was her greatest achievement. With the exception of Parker, she was his too. "Does that mean you're feeling better?" he asked her. "Last night you weren't so sure."
She nodded. "Yes. Thank you. You were right – I just needed to sleep."
"Glad I could help," he told her.
"I just…"
"What?"
This time when she glanced up at him her eyes were brimming with tears. "I wish my mom was here," she said simply.
He put his arms around her, taking care not to crush the baby. "I know. But you've got your dad and you've got me… You and C.C. are gonna be fine."
As companionable silence passed between them as they held each other.
"Are you hungry?" she asked, lifting her head from his shoulder right when it was about to turn from a friendly hug in to something much more confusing. "If you want I could make you some breakfast."
"I would like that," he told her.
When they reached the kitchen, she opened the fridge, surveying its contents. "Bagels okay?" she asked him.
"Sure. You want me to do anything?"
"No. You were up with the baby all night."
He climbed onto one of the stools at the counter, watching her pull things out, seemingly obvious to C.C. nestled in the sling across her chest. "Don't you think you should put her down while you do that?"
"Why? I'm not using the stove."
"But you could wake her up," he protested.
"There are numerous studies that suggest that babies who are constantly held or carried are calmer and sleep better than those who aren't," she explained. "She's used to being close to me."
"Does it have to be you?" he asked her. "Carrying her, I mean? Or could it be, y'know, anyone?"
"A lot of fathers wear their babies," she agreed. "It's very good for father-infant bonding."
"Do you think maybe I could try it some time?" he asked shyly.
"Sure. You can take her now if you want."
She slipped out of the sling and helped him to put it on, showing him how to position it so that they were both comfortable.
It was kind of nice, he had to admit; having his daughter this close without giving up the use of his hands. If only she could stay that tiny forever. Then he would never have to let her out of his sight.
Once she was satisfied, Brennan stepped back to admire the effect. "I have to get a picture of this," she told him with a playful grin, retrieving her digital camera from her hospital bag.
He tried to look as put out as possible as she snapped a couple of shots, smirking at him all the while, but he knew he wasn't fooling anyone, least of all himself. He was in a better mood than he had been in weeks, and it was all due to her and C.C.
When breakfast was ready, Brennan sat down beside him at the counter to eat and they made idle small talk about their plans for the day. If it wasn't for the little girl sleeping in the sling on his chest, it would almost be like old times, he thought, before he'd gone and ruined everything with his poorly-timed marriage proposal.
"Looks like someone doesn't wanna miss out," he said when their daughter started to whine. He took off the sling and handed it back to Brennan. "I should probably go, give you some privacy."
"You don't have to leave on my account," she told him. "Unless you need to get to work?"
He didn't really want to go yet, so taking that as an invitation, he trailed after them into the living room, debating whether or not he should turn away as Brennan untied her robe and helped the baby latch onto her breast.
"You're getting really good at that," he told her. It didn't make him as uncomfortable as it had at first. In fact, the more times he saw it, the more he came to realise how much he loved watching her in her new role as a mother. It filled him with a strange sense of pride, not just of her, but of himself too for being the one responsible for it.
"Thanks," she said, acknowledging him with a smile. "The sling helps. My arms don't get as tired. And look." She pulled the loose fabric up to conceal what she was doing. "So you don't have to get embarrassed when we're in public."
When the baby had finished eating and fallen promptly back asleep, she transferred her into her car seat.
"Before you leave, we should discuss Celia's birth certificate," she told him, fussing with C.C.'s blanket to avoid looking at him. "I have the paperwork here."
"What about it?" he asked. He checked his watch. There was no way that he could do this now and still make it to work on time. Then again, he had made a promise to their daughter not to put it off any longer.
"Would you like to be named as the father? Because if you're not comfortable with that I can just leave the space blank."
"You really think I'm gonna let you put 'Unknown' when we both know that's not true?" he asked her.
"In our last conversation about it, you indicated that you wished to relinquish your parental rights," she reminded him, her guarded expression making it impossible to tell whether or not she was still hoping that this was the case.
"I know," he agreed, "and if I'd gone through with it, it would've been the biggest mistake of my life. C.C. has a father, Bones. I'm her father."
She opened her mouth to argue but he cut her off. "I was there at the clinic when she was conceived, I was there the night she was born, and for everything in between. I was there. That's what makes me her father – not just the fact that you used my sperm."
"Does this mean you're changing your mind again?" she asked. "How can you be sure that you won't change it back?"
He knew that he probably deserved that. "Because I won't," he told her. "C.C. is my daughter. I can't just pretend that she's not a part of me." He'd tried that and it hadn't worked. He couldn't not be involved. He loved her too much to stay away.
"So you're saying that you would like joint custody?" Brennan supplied.
"No. I don't want joint custody," he admitted. "I want full custody, with you. Bones, I love you, and I love C.C., and I want us to be together as a real family."
She shook her head stubbornly. "You don't want to be with me, Booth," she argued, standing up. "You only think you do because of the baby."
Was that really what she believed? "You're wrong, Bones," he told her. "God, you are so wrong. Do you know why I agreed to help you have a baby in the first place?"
His question seemed to cath her off guard; for once, she didn't try to rationalise his motives. "No," she confessed. "Why?" It was something that they'd never talked about.
"Because I love you. Because I would do anything to make you happy. Anything. What I did for you, Bones… I wouldn't have done it for anyone else."
She stared at him, astonished. "Really? You're not just saying that?"
"Really," he agreed. "I don't know how it's gonna work, but if you're willing to give this another chance, then so am I, because I never want us to be apart like that again. On one condition, though."
"What's that?" she asked warily.
"I want C.C.'s birth certificate to say 'Brennan-Booth'," he told her. "Like we agreed."
At first he was sure that she was going to turn him down. The tears that she'd been battling throughout their conversation spilled over onto her cheeks, and she squeezed her eyes shut, trying to stop their flow. Then finally, after when seemed like an eternity, she nodded."I missed you so much when you weren't here," she confessed, stepping forward to bury her face in his neck.
"I missed you too, Bones," he told her, tears springing to his own eyes as he hugged her back tightly.
He released his hold on her enough to take her face in his hands, brushing his lips lightly against hers to test her reaction.
She responded by deepening the kiss, but she pulled away again after a few moments. "Do you still want to get married?" she asked breathlessly.
"Yes," he admitted. "But I want you more." He could live without being married much easier than he could live without her and their daughter.
"Does that mean we don't have to talk about it right now?" she asked him.
It wasn't the 'yes' that he'd hoped for, but it was better than the 'no' that she'd given him before. She'd already proven that she was capable of changing her mind; maybe one day she would change her mind about that too. "I promise I won't bring it up again until you're ready," he assured her. "Then when you are we can decide."
"Those terms are satisfactory," she agreed with a lopsided smile. She drew him back in, but this time the kiss only lasted for a few seconds before a new thought occurred to her. "You know we can't have sex?"
"You just gave birth!" he protested. Did she really think he was some kind of animal who couldn't control himself? "Trust me when I say sex is the last thing on my mind."
"We can't make love," she repeated, "but we can do other things."
"Bones!" He shot her a scandalised look.
"I meant cuddling," she told him innocently, but he could see the wicked gleam in her eyes. "And maybe kissing, like this," she continued, still teasing him.
"That we can do," he agreed. Oh yeah, he was definitely going to be late for work.
As you may have guessed, this fic is nearing the end (things still aren't perfect, but they're on their way). Parker still has to meet his little sister, though, and if you've been following the timeline, it's almost Christmas Eve which means the return of Max...