Initial subject moves three times to the left, twice right, half-step left, knee bounce six (6) times, scratch ground in fan pattern half-foot wide slowly as eye follows cloud, stare forward, eye follow movement of squirrel instinctively, watches it scamper, lose track in branches of shadow depth 4.3 lu. darker than average, blinks in slight irritation, cataract forming in left eye, watch scratch ass four times half-inch above mole no more than three (3) mm wide, pace right, left, stare at companion four (3) in. below tailbone, follow with pupils dilated 0.04mm, look down to pretend innocence, trail eyes across area, flickering back to companion backside seven (7) times in succession 4.5 seconds in between, watched companion notices and stares back , eye flickers to blade then to employer then back to blade then back to employer (Shijimi, L.) then back to blade then back to employer than to ground, briefly considered homicide for crime of staring at ass very strongly but thought better of it, will probably use initial subject as meatshield at some point in the next eight (2) days to dispose of them, abandon initial subject as point of study due to being lost cause and also incredibly boring move to watched companion now detailed as second subject, who proceeds to move in shade and sit pointedly down jiggling foot irritatedly thirty-seven (37) times in rapid succession, conclusions drawn as to slight irritation being experienced which makes second subject at least 40% more human than initial subject thank god must admit has nice posterior god forbid second subject notices (note to self: watch back for second subject approaching for any reasons) stands slowly takes 2.4 seconds longer than muscles indicate necessary for bone and muscular development has knee injury stops to rub knee surreptitiously suffers from injury? No, judging from exercises being performed it is a bone-based issue, and limp and movement indicates development of osteoporosis (note to self: aim for left knee as primary target) limps and steps three times left, twice left, shuffles in place and begins also panning to the left turning and watching companion to right (hereby third subject) as second subject watches posterior four (4) inches offset of meridian line, third subject is fully aware and enjoys, note sociopathic and egotistical tendencies, as third subject turns to present more fully possibly some kind of mating ritual must pay further attention to see how second subject responds to such a response, possibly summon Pakkun to test pheromone dispersal patterns to determine if this is how they communicate or if they use more primal means of -

"Sensei what the fu-"

Kakashi whipped his hand out and smacked Sayo about the mouth before she could spook the subjects, shrubbery rustling loudly

"Hush child. Sensei is doing science right now."

Saeki retched a little from where he crouched beside them. "What the shit is that in your eye?!"

Kakashi blinked with both eyes. "Oh yeah, I forgot. You haven't seen that I have a - wait, did you askwhat this was?"

Maruichi, squatting directly to his left, looked at Kakashi's exposed Sharingan with a degree of off-putting interest that had Kakashi reflexively move his hand up and cover it back up. Maruichi's eyes narrowed, and he huffed with some small disappointment. "Sharingan."

Saeki turned to him. "That's a Sharingan, huh."

"Wow that's fucking morbid." Kakashi scratched his chin. "You've definitely seen Uchiha before right? Not just Sasuke I mean."

Sayo snorted. "Of course, who hasn't." She reddened a little. "They're, uh, real-"

"Loud." Saeki said.

Kakashi shot him a funny look. "Loud is not how I'd describe an Uchiha." Barring one

Saeki shrugged. "Then you'd never heard one f-"

"Speaking of fucked up," Kakashi interrupted, deep-seated sense of self-preservation reflexively rising up. "What is this?"

The children looked down at their full arms, bearing alms. Sayo gently swirled an entire kettle of, what smelled like, sweet green tea.

"Love." Sayo said.

"Deep and abiding affection." Saeki said.

"A reflexive degree of humble respect." Maruichi said.

"I humbly accept your offerings." Kakashi smiled, snagging a biscuit. "Now go away."

Sayo kicked at his shins from her half-standing position, forcing Kakashi to dance away with the biscuit half-crumbling in his mouth. Ducking out from behind the thick bushes he'd been crouching behind, he slowly stood back up to his full height. Behind him, the kids also crawled sulkily out and into the little clearing of trees behind. Kakashi risked a quick look out, leaning past the tree cover to see that the guards were still patrolling idly, and hadn't noticed both his watch and its sudden and abrupt end.

Clear.

He leaned back in, whirling around to see the kids getting into straight-backed stances and meeting his eyes firmly. "Teach us chakra control."

He stopped and stared, crumbly little bits falling out of his mouth. "What?"

Sayo snapped her fingers, and Maruichi stepped up with a slightly rebellious glare. "You said you didn't get why we were struggling, and shortly afterwards proceeded to dance on the treetops like a spastic squirrel. You're cheating somehow."

Kakashi opened his mouth to rebut, but Saeki near shoved his whole index into his mouth with a truly vicious point. "Cheating!"

"I'm not cheating." Kakashi stressed. "I'm just better than you."

"Cheating!" Saeki hissed. "Dirty cheater!"

Kakashi flung his arms to the ground, brushing off stray crumbs. "What's this about then. Is this how you ask favors?!"

"Favors?!" Sayo stamped her feet and dear god this was too much for Kakashi. "What the hell kind of teacher are you?!"

"A good one." Kakashi rubbed his nose a little, trying to hide the crinkling of his eye. God, he was so fucking bad at hiding his expressions. "Teaching's what we call the process of learning things. It's a long, slow process, right?"

Maruichi and Saeki had already begun stepping rapidly back as an ugly flush began creeping up Sayo's neck. "What have we possibly learned?" She snapped. "All we've done is trudge through the mud and deal with dumb pettiness from those glorified interns. This is bullshit."

"See?" Kakashi grinned. "You learned something already."

"Fuck you." She grumbled. "You think I wanna be a piece of shit like you?"

"I think that'sexactly what you want." Kakashi rebut smugly. "Or you wouldn't be asking to learn from me, would you."

Her jaw swung open, and stayed like that for a bit. "That...'s not how th-"

Maruichi pushed up his thick frames. "He's got you there."

She whirled around. "Who's side are you on?!"

"Mine." He said calmly. "I wanna grow up to be an asshole someday."

Kakashi clapped a little. "It's a wonderful dream. Truly touching."

Sayo hissed loudly, stomping off to the side and forcefully leaning against a tree. "Fine!" She snapped. "Teach us."

"Not so fast." Kakashi waggled a finger mockingly. "I may have been hesitant, but I managed to come up with a plan I could use you all for."

"Watching."

Kakashi whistled at Maruichi's deduction. "Very good. That's right, I need extra eyes."

Saeki scratched the back of his head slowly. "What do you mean? You were watching them fine."

"By necessity." Kakashi said. "They're not who I want to watch, but my real target is inside that Palanquin. So here's what we're gonna do - I'll teach you tree walking, and you're gonna practice it for the rest of this trip. More importantly, you're gonna keep a watch on that palanquin, and report back to me."

"That's really obvious." Saeki said slowly. "Like,really obvious."

"Indeed - and you're gonna draw their attention doing it. And then Sensei can try to get at the information he's really after."

"Is that enough?"

Kakashi chuckled. "For me? Yeah."

"Shit that's cool." Saeki smacked his fist into his palm. "Hear that Maruchin? 'For me, yeah', goddamn."

"Takes a lot of guts to say that out loud." Maruichi slowly turned his face away from Kakashi's souring expression. "Bragging to children takes a big, big man, you know."

"I'm burnin' up, Maruchin. My heart's ablaze, y'know?"

"Oh my fucking god I hate you all." Sayo muttered. "This is already so bad."

"Don't worry." Maruichi coughed a little at the sudden attention. "I have a better idea."

-

Kakashi desperately held the urge to sneeze in. The litter continued to sway gently above the ground, but the dust kicked up by the litterbearers rose up and hovered gently at eye level, curling over his covered features and titillating his nostrils. He slowly waved his book over his face, gently enough not to stress the pages, toes slightly cramping from gripping the undercarriage of the litter.

"This thing's sure heavy." Came a quiet complaint from his right side. A muffled curse and a staccato two-step near his left ear told him that the man's partner had overheard. A quiet, jabbing argument, hissed and pointed, ensued. A muffled hush cut in near his feet silenced the two bickering men, and the palanquin swayed on.

Kakashi pictured his shadow clone bouncing between treetops, carefully barely out of sight.

—-—-—-—-

"Civilians don't actually usually second guess their ninja guards." Maruichi explained calmly. "Even if you have a shadow clone following the caravan and it pops, you can just say that it was scouting while you stayed hidden. They can't usually tell if you're telling the truth, or what you really intended. You can't ever really catch a ninja red-handed, because civilians can't really tell what we can or can't do. So guilt is a very finicky thing to pin on a ninja."

"Risk is a non-entity for the most part then." Kakashi mused. "My word against theirs. So we can afford to get clever about this."

—

Kakashi held his sneeze in, continuing to read his novel through watery eyes. His position on the undercarriage was a precarious one, but no one dared complain that it was heavier. Especially not after lunch.

"Why do we have this...trash, here milady?" A soft, sharp voice said.

Kakashi gently adjusted the rough cylinder he'd pinned in place between his shoulder and neck, allowing the metal rim to shift around his ear. The taut blue string leading up into the palanquin's door jamb vibrated gently.

"Oh it was the cutest thing!" A saccharine bray squealed. "The little girl, oh she's so precious, got me a bouquet!"

"She offered it in a tin can, milady."

A quiet harrumph. "Really now, are we to judge their means? A gift is a gift."

The soft voice hardened slightly. "But milady, what if they are diseased."

"Then the guardsmen will kill them." Came the easy reply. "And dear Saru will thank us for the trouble."

"Is that really an assumption we can afford to make no-"

"You overstep yourself." Came the gentle rebuke. Kakashi frowned in irritation, only one eye on his novel. Complain more! Get irritated! He thumped the underside gently, relishing the quiet screams as the creekwater splashed out of the can a bit.

"Milady!"

"Its a gift!"

"Nevertheless, the disease-"

"I cannot do away with their kindness."

"You can and should." Came the firm reply. "You must be the heartless, soulless being I know you can be."

"B-but I cannot be so cruel! They're friendly!"

"You can. It was all a ruse milady, you never had any friends."

The sound of sadness echoed in Kakashi's ear, as he wiped a silent tear off on a bit of cloth abandoned on the road he was passing over.

"B-but-"

Nope, Kakashi didn't care. He needed the Lady's guest to keep talking, and that meant emotional blackmail. Kakashi slammed his fist onto the underside once more, and the loud squeals echoed again.

"Milady?" Came the cautious voice from one of the guards. "Are you-is everything alright!"

"YES!" Came the high pitched reply, making Kakashi's head ache. "E-everything is friendless - I mean fine! Everything is fine."

"Don't worry milady." The guard said kindly. "Friends lower the strength of your soul. Only someone alone and unloved can be truly strong."

"...you see." Came the sullen reply from the Lady Taiyo.

"..."

A single harsh gesture got the moving again, and the palanquin sat in a deep silence as the guards stewed outside nervously.

"Come, pitch those flowers out Milady, they are worthless. We can have your men gather plenty more on the way. Speaking of which, we have yet to see any of your husband's men so deep into the territory, would they not come to welcome you?"

"On march." Came the dispirited voice. "We will need to make better time so they may get in position."

"And I-"

"You and your husband will be protected of course. For your..." a quavering sniff. "...honest service."

"Thank you milady." A brief, uncomfortable pause. "W-we will, of course speak to Lord Madoka regarding the proposal you put for-"

"Thank you, Taiyo. But, what of the arms we requested an order for?"

"...we cannot promise any such thing, sending arms to border-station troops could seem far too.."

"...yes, I see."

"...I will speak to the Beheader personally, and ask for leniency. Royal blood, even distant, deserves honor."

"Very well. Perhaps your son may be married this season after all."

"Thank you milady. Perhaps his horrible fear of tall women will be cured yet."

"I'm glad to hear that."

The can started rattling loudly as they began scrabbling to grab it. Kakashi immediately pulled his end of the string free of the can, and began to implement stage two as Shijimi began pulling the window open.

Tying a quick loop between two fingers, he pulled a small hard candy free of his pocket, slid it into the loop and pulled it taut.

Having done this, Kakashi allowed his right arm to enter the sunlight. He'd been careful to stay out of it, so he cast no shadow while under the litter, but now he allowed a shadow to form as he made a single handsign, that his clone could see.

He had only a few seconds now, confident in his own observation skills. He quickly rapped out the seals necessary, and allowed a pool of smoke and Pakkun to appear and pool upon his taut belly. Exchanging nods, Kakashi allowed Pakkun's jaws to close gently around the candy, before diving to the side and performing a midair Replacement with his own falling clone, allowing his chakra to wrap around the two of them, and violently hurl them together. The clone dispersed on rough impact with the floor, allowing Kakashi to correct his fall in the smoke and land smoothly with none the wiser.

Now standing casually off to the side, he watched the string slowly, then faster and faster be pulled towards the door of the palanquin as they discovered the string at the bottom. Pakkun slowly slid out from underneath the litter, jaw firmly clamped over the little candy and being pulled like a slug. The door clattered open, and Taiyo poked her dour face out, coming face to mug with the adorable pug.

"It's a dog!" She exclaimed. The litter came to an abrupt halt, as everyone stopped in sudden shock. Quiet complaints began echoing from the carriages further down the line, but none paid them attention, too focused on the fresh-faced pooch sitting pretty.

"A dog?!" Came Shijimi's voice from inside. "Why is there a dog on the string?"

"He's wired u- no, he'seating something it looks like." Her sallow countenance leaned in, looking unpleasantly milky in the sunlight. "It's a candy."

"We picked up a dog on the way...?"

"It looks intentional, miladies." One of the guards offered hesitantly. "Perhaps whoever gave it to you intended it as an...intentional...display of some sort?"

Taiyo stroked her chin. "A dog trap...? What would a dog do with candy? Do dogs eat candy?"

A sudden gasp from inside had Taiyo whirling around. "It's not adog trap! It's anorphan trap!"

Taiyo's fist slammed into her palm. "What a brilliant idea."

"We would have needed to round them up eventually." Came a reasonable tone from Shijimi. "This is a good way about it. What a thoughtful gift."

"Oh god they bought it." said Sayo, creeping out of the bushes from behind Kakashi. "I can't believe you were right. Who needs an orphan trap?!"

"Who doesn't need an orphan trap?" Kakashi rebut. "Do you even know how multifunctional those are? They don't just trap orphans you know, they also teach orphans how to read, how to identify threats, and teach them what the real world is like. Immediately. That's a life lesson wrapped in string."

"Ugh."

Kakashi shrugged. Not everyone could appreciate good taste. "How goes the plan?"

Sayo's frown twisted upwards. "We found the bandits."