Chapter 37: This doesn't mean I'm going to start obeying your orders.
Now that it really was over I didn't know what to do with myself. I assumed that with Colonel Everett out of the picture John would again be the ranking officer in charge of Atlantis so he'd be busy tying up all the loose ends. What I really needed was a holiday ... perhaps I could get Carson to fly me to the mainland once all the dust had settled. That wouldn't be an option for a while though because it would probably be days before everyone was recovered enough for things to return to normal.
During the lull between the end of the attack and the return of the Daedalus with the bulk of Atlantis's personnel the city took on the feel of a ghost town. Drs McKay and Zelenka had gone off to get some much needed sleep ... in fact it seemed that most of those who'd stayed behind had retired to sleep. Practically all I'd done for the past couple of days was sleep, so more was the last thing I wanted. In the end my curiosity drew me back to the Wraith weapon room.
I could almost have believed that Rodney was wrong about the weapon being burnt out because on the surface it looked the same as it always had. Regardless of the outcome I felt a strange fondness for the room I'd spent so many hours in. I raised a hand, contemplating trying the controls to see if the weapon really was dead.
"I wouldn't do that," John's voice echoed from the doorway. "I know Rodney is usually right about these things but ... do you want to be the one time he's proven wrong?"
I said nothing in response and John took a step into the room.
"I'm sorry about Aiden," I said, moving my hands away from the console. I kept my eyes on the weapon, aware that John had taken a few more steps towards me.
"So am I," he said sadly. "We tried the planet he gated to but I knew he wouldn't be there. He ditched the jumper and dialled another address we couldn't trace."
"He was always nice to me," I glanced at John quickly before looking away again. "So ... what now?"
"The way I see it," he drawled, "we have two options. Option one we spill our guts, get rid of the anger, have fantastic make-up sex and then live happily ever after."
"And option two?" I asked, fighting the sudden urge to smile.
"Option two," he took another step towards me, "we skip the gut spilling anger and go straight to the make-up sex."
"I'm guessing you're gonna go for option two?" my voice quivered as John closed the distance between us to a single small step.
"See that's where you're wrong," he denied. "I'm actually gonna go for option one and since I'm now back to being the ranking military officer for the time being, I'm not giving you the choice."
"I'm not ready for this," I admitted, appreciating his attempt to lighten the mood between us.
"Who's ever ready for something like this?" John asked incredulously, suddenly deadly serious. "I thought I'd lost you," he reached out a shaky hand and stroked my cheek. "It was ... pain ... deep ... like I've never experienced before. I mean, I'd gotten a taste of how bad it could be when we found you the day you first touched that console," he gestured towards the weapon.
"Rodney said you almost fainted," I admitted.
"I didn't almost faint," John denied hotly, drawn into that old debate between him and Rodney momentarily. A silence stretched between us again ... I didn't know what to say ... what was he expecting me to say?
"It weakened me," John admitted. "And I resented it because I thought that made me weak as a leader."
"You resented me," I stated it as though it were fact. "Do you regret getting involved with me?" I asked.
"NO!" John's voice was frustrated. "I never resented you and I would never regret meeting you. There was a connection there from the first day ... you must have sensed it too."
"Yes," I admitted. "Although to be honest I decided pretty early on that it was the ATA gene giving you the push ... I even asked Carson if it was possible because I just can't understand why someone in your position would be interested in me."
"We're not gonna do the whole 'me leader, you nothing' thing again!" John commanded, getting riled up for the first time since he'd arrived.
"I don't see why it makes you angry when I point out what's pretty obvious to everyone else!" I persisted. "I wouldn't be here unless by accident."
"And I wouldn't be here either," he threw back at me, "if I hadn't sat in the command chair in Antarctica and accidentally powered it up! I had no more idea about the Stargate program, Atlantis or any of it than you did the first day you arrived."
"That may be," I acknowledged, "but you're a Major in the US Air Force. You're smart; you've got serious 'skills' – you're not just a body that happens to have the ATA gene!"
"You may have been just a body with the gene to start with," John admitted, "but surely you can see that's no longer the case! You're just as smart and you've worked hard to get yourself some equally 'serious' skills. We need you here ... I need you here."
He'd said similar things to me in the past but they'd never penetrated that hard shell I'd held around my heart because deep down I didn't believe them. It wasn't anything different that John said this time that opened my eyes ... but finally I realised that he was right. I had worked hard and I had acquired skills that could only be of use in Atlantis. Even without the possibility of using the Wraith weapon again, I really did belong here! My lips trembled as I tried to stop myself from breaking into tears. Holding a hand against my eyes I turned away from John, taking a few deep breaths to calm myself down. John gave me some time before he redirected the conversation again.
"As I said," John continued. "I thought having such strong ... feelings for you would make me weak. Did I not want you to use the weapon because it was the right call from a military perspective or because I was scared of loosing you? I over analysed every decision and if you'd asked me what my main motivation was I wouldn't have been able to tell you – I don't know if it were someone else in charge that they wouldn't have ordered you to use the weapon and damn the risks."
John waited a few moments to see if I was going to say anything before continuing. "When the command chair didn't fire up and I realised what I'd have to do I also realised something else ... those feelings I had for you didn't make me weak. They gave me the motivation to do what had to be done and the surety that it was the right thing to do –because I was doing it for you and not just because it was my duty. That's when I admitted that my orders not to use the Wraith weapon were as much to do with not losing you as they were about the outcome being too unpredictable to justify the risk."
"I was angry with you," I admitted. "I thought you wouldn't let me try the weapon because you didn't think I was up to it – that I couldn't do it. It just made me even more determined to prove you wrong. That wasn't the only reason why I did it but I'd be lying if I said it didn't factor into my decision."
"I was angry with you too," John rubbed a tired hand across his eyes. "To be honest I'm still angry – you took a risk, not only with yourself but with everyone on Atlantis. You disobeyed my direct order because you decided you knew better than everyone else. I understand the sentiment – we both know I've been there myself! I do understand the thinking when the lives of people you care about are at stake and you're convinced the person in charge is wrong. I've acted on that thinking more than once and I never regretted it."
"So why are you angry then?" I said, confused now about what he was trying to tell me.
"Because you didn't trust me," he said hotly. "Not Major Sheppard the leader, but John the person. You were supposed to feel closer to me than anyone else on this base and yet at every turn when it was time to trust me you deliberately disobeyed me!"
"It wasn't like that," I protested. "I..."
"I wasn't finished!" John interrupted. "I know I made it impossible for you – you tried to talk to me to convince me about the weapon but I was too caught up in worrying about your safety. I didn't want to hear a logical argument if it meant I'd have to reconsider my military decision."
"We were both wrong," I admitted. "You should have given me the chance to convince you but I should have considered what you were saying too. I didn't want to hear your logical arguments either because I saw that weapon as the reason I was here and the only way to prove that I belonged here."
"I stuffed it up, didn't I?" I turned away, feeling my eyes begin to brim with unshed tears. "One day we're gonna need that weapon and we won't have it because of me." A few tears ran down my face and I angrily brushed them away.
"You didn't stuff it up," John denied. "Hell, even the Ancients couldn't work out how to use the weapon to get rid of the entire Wraith all at once – that's probably why they never activated it themselves."
"Do Dr Weir and Rodney feel the same?" I asked, despite the fact that it really was pathetic I cared so much what they thought.
"Rodney finally found something useful in that weapons research inventory gizmo you activated way back – he said the weapon had never been tested and it's a wonder you even got it to work once. He's already rubbing his hands together at the thought of how much of a genius he's gonna look when he fixes it where no one else could," John said only partly in jest. "As for Elizabeth, she firmly believes that casualties were much less as a result of your setting off that weapon when you did. Since I would have been one of those casualties I whole heartedly agree."
"You know I did it for you," I said, more tears escaping as emotions churned inside me. "I'd like to say the lives of everyone on Atlantis were at the forefront of my mind but the timing kind of gives that away. In the end I just couldn't let you die if there was anything I could do about it."
"I know," John raised a hand and brushed at the tears tracking slowly down my face. The intent look on his face made it clear he was thinking about my motivations and I wasn't ready to start confessing my feelings just yet.
"Is there anything else you're angry about?" I asked before he could say anything else.
"I wouldn't say angry," John let me get away with redirecting the conversation. "Frustrated ... that's a better word. You were always so careful to maintain a little distance between us and every time I tried to get closer to you something happened to pull you away. I felt like I was trying to build a bridge over a river when I only had access to one side."
"Did you see me?" John's mention of bridges had reminded me of something I'd been meaning to ask. "You know ... when I was going from being in there," I pointed at the machine, "to being me?"
"Yeah," he admitted. "After the initial ... landing, which was a little painful actually," he reminded me that I'd said I didn't think it would hurt, "it was stunning – you were stunning. Everything glowed – the field, the grass, the sky, but especially you."
"Did you ... um," I ground to a halt, not knowing how to ask what I wanted to know.
"Did I hear any thoughts, find out any secrets, stuff like that?" John knew exactly what I was worried about. "Not so much," he reassured me. "It took pretty much all I had left after having to drag your lifeless body to that console just to build that bridge."
"You did good," I complemented him. "Once I'd got past your rickety ancient bridge," I teased, "I didn't even have to try – you pretty much drew me the rest of the way back by yourself."
"Yeah, well the first bit I just cobbled together quickly – it was pretty flimsy but you were already there before I could make it more solid," John took a few steps away from me, idly running a finger over one of the designs on the wall. "The second one wasn't any effort at all – I had it all there in my head."
He turned back to me and looked at me intently. "From day one I felt like I had to build on the connection we already had just to maintain my position with you. Every little thing I did to get closer to you ... was about trying to make that even stronger ... so you'd want to stay with me. So when you said bridge, it was that connection that I thought of and it just appeared like that, like I'd had it there the whole time."
"It was a beautiful bridge," I admitted, "the most beautiful bridge I'll ever see."
"Let's not go overboard here," John's face flushed a little in embarrassment. "I'm just ...," he took a deep steadying breath, "glad that it worked so well."
We'd been on our feet for a while and I was still easily tired after my ordeal in that very room. When I took my customary seat on the floor with my back resting against the wall, John walked over and joined me, sitting close enough that our shoulders brushed if either of us moved.
"How are we doing?" he asked me after a few minutes of companionable silence. "You got any more anger issues before we move on to the gut spilling?"
"I thought we were doing the gut spilling," I laughed.
"You think I'm gonna let you off that lightly?" John turned to look at me. "Think again."
"I do have a question," I hesitated, wondering if I should bring it up. "When you were on your way to the jumper bay ... were you going to tell me what you were doing?"
"I don't know," John admitted. "I'm not that good at the whole 'last words' thing so whatever I said would have come out wrong anyway."
"You do know!" I got up again to pace in front of him. "You had no intention of telling me anything! Just like when you snuck off to the Daedalus while I was in the infirmary."
"I didn't sneak!" John protested. "Look, in the military you can't always tell the people close to you what you're doing. Besides, there would have been no point in upsetting you before anything had even happened."
"Right, like finding out after and realising I never got to say goodbye would have been so much better!" I said hotly.
"I don't see what the problem is here," John complained, getting up and putting himself in my path.
"I love you, you insensitive jerk!" I yelled up into his face. "It would have been nice to have been able to tell you once before you scattered yourself all over the atmosphere!"
"Well, it would have served you right, waiting until I was about to die before telling me," John yelled back before we both realised what I'd admitted. "You love me," he confirmed with a smug grin. "I knew you did but I never thought you'd admit it ... nice delivery by the way."
"Yeah, well enjoy it because I probably won't be saying it too often," I turned away. "I might love you but you are a serious pain in the arse sometimes!"
"What a thing to say about the man you love," John teased, grabbing my hands and pulling me towards him. "You're not alone," he said before wrapping me in his arms and kissing me senseless.
"Hey," I pulled away, putting my hands on his chest to hold him back. "You promised me gut spilling and that's the best you can do?"
"I'm a guy," John almost whined. "We're not good at this kind of thing."
"John!" I warned. "If you want that make-up sex you mentioned you've gotta do better than that!"
"Okay, okay," John laughed and I realised he'd been teasing me. "I love you," he said it easily. "Have since that first running session when you busted yourself to keep up and never complained. I know I made mistakes, made you doubt me, but that never changed."
"Very nice," I smiled as I complemented his declaration, feeling almost embarrassed by his comfortable show of emotion. "Much better than mine."
"You just need practice," John said seriously.
"Maybe," I admitted. "Would it bother you if I never get comfortable with the whole expressing my emotions thing?"
"Nah, as long as you try once in a while," John pulled me close again and held me tightly to his chest. "Besides I've got to think about my image you know – can't have you gushing over me all day – no one would take me seriously!"
"Ha Ha," I hit his shoulder as hard as I could, making little impression. "Don't worry – I don't see girly gushing anywhere in your future."
"That's a relief," John muttered, planting kisses across my face as he pulled the right parts of our bodies into alignment. I shivered as John nuzzled his head into my neck, his hands already under my t-shirt.
"This doesn't mean I'm going to start obeying your orders," I gasped as John kissed his way up the side of my neck.
"I never for a moment thought it would," John denied before taking over my mouth with a heated kiss.
"Do you really want to be doing this here?" I broke away to ask breathlessly. John looked around as if just noticing for the first time that we were still in the Wraith weapon room.
"You're right," he agreed. "It's cold in here and I'm too old to be rolling around on a concrete floor." John grabbed my hand and dragged me out of the room. I had to run to keep up with his long strides as he quickly found the shortest path back to his quarters – luckily there was no one around to witness our mad dash, complete with crazy laughter.
Once we had the door of his quarters firmly closed behind us, we looked at each other steadily. It only took a few seconds to remember where we'd left off – John was right – it was warmer there and his bed was much better than a concrete floor. I didn't think I could feel any closer to him than I had the previous times we'd been intimate but somehow having spoken of our feelings made a difference. It was just as intense as before but it was also tender with less urgency and more stability – and it cemented within my mind the belief that he really did love me.
Gut spilling, anger management, and make-up sex – what more could anyone ask for? Oh right – the happily ever after – it was still early days but even that didn't seem like such a stretch any more.
Authors Note: Finished! I do have a sort of epilogue written but I also had vague thoughts of continuing this into Season Two. Any opinions? Thanks to those who reviewed - PinkBug and EmSyd - along the way. Hope you enjoyed the ending!