BOOM! Update! If anyone is actually still reading this... :p
Believe it or not this story is winding down to the finish (huh?). Thank you all for your kind reviews and messages and for taking the time to read this over the past few months.
No violence today. Yay.
* … * … * … * … * … *
Rachel isn't sure whether to cry or laugh. She feels like the world is playing a big joke on her and everyone is in on it except her. No one in Glee showed up for school Monday. . No one except for her. She monitored the hallways for their faces and didn't spot a single one.
Something was going on.
It took three phone calls – one unanswered to Tina, one ignored to Finn, and one finally answered to Mercedes, to find out what was going on. Quinn had tried to kill herself. Mr. Schue had shown up at the hospital, ignored them, and then ran off. Everyone was too upset to go to school the next day.
Why hadn't Finn called her? Why hadn't anyone called her?
It's Wednesday now. She saw Mike Chang walking to Physics earlier. She waved to Tina as the other girl exited the bus. She had waved back but hadn't initiated any sort of dialogue. Artie was in Pre-Cal with her third period and she had sat behind him but they were taking a test – no opportunity to talk.
She finally cornered Kurt near the bathrooms after forth period and forced him into the girl's room for a chat.
"Why is everyone ignoring me? Why am I the only one not in on this little reunion you all have going on?" She puts her hands on her hips. Tries to look menacing. Kurt looks at her with anything but fear in his eyes.
He waits for a sign that she's kidding. Receives none. "Oh. You're serious? Well, Rachel. I think this might be something that you may want to discuss with Finn. I'm not keeping you from anything."
"No one called to tell me about Quinn."
"Finn didn't seem to want you there." He crosses his own arms. Resists tapping his foot on the linoleum.
"You all went to Mr. Schue's yesterday. Finn told Artie and Artie told Mike and Mike told Tina and Tina told Mercedes and Mercedes told me. All of my information has to be filtered though like five people. Why?" She has tears in her eyes now. Doesn't wipe them away.
"Like I said, I think you need to have a discussion with Finn. Puck, Finn, and I went to see Mr. Schue, yes. He wouldn't have wanted anyone else there. He hardly tolerated our presence."
"And how is he?" She drops her arms to her sides, looks at the floor defeated.
"He's...he could be worse. He could be better. He doesn't talk much. Are you scoping out information to see when Glee is coming back because if you are, I wouldn't hold your..."
"Why does everyone think that?!" She stomps her foot. Angry now. Voice shrill, "Believe it or not I genuinely care about Mr. Schue and Quinn. I miss Glee terribly and really want us all to be a family again but not at their expense. I want them better first. Is that so hard to believe?"
He narrows his eyes at her watery face. "No, no it's not." Pauses for her to say something but she just crosses her arms over her chest and stares up at his face, "Look, if you want me to keep you posted on what is happening with Quinn and Mr. Schue, I can do that. But you need to talk to Finn. Corner him like you did to me or something. You're good at being relentless. Put it to use."
And then he turns on his heel and exits the room leaving her as alone physically as she feels emotionally.
She sleep walks through her next two classes and then trudges to the guidance office during last period – she's supposed to be studying for the SAT's but she can't deal with it right now. She just needs someone to talk to and although Miss Pillsbury wouldn't be her first choice, she's her only viable option at this point.
"Rachel!" Emma rubs her hands with more sanitizer than is necessary and motions for the seat across from her desk, "Hi. Uh - what uh – what can I do for you?"
"Miss Pillsbury, I am having some what of a crisis. As you may have noticed, the members of the Glee Club are having a difficult year."
"I...uh - " Emma starts, clearly uncomfortable with the topic but Rachel thankfully cuts her off.
"As their leader, I feel it is my responsibility to keep everyone together – a family so to speak. However, I seem to be being excluded from...well...everything. I need to be a part of the group again. I need my family back. Finn won't talk to me and whatever he does, everyone else does and so..."
Emma cuts her off this time, glad that the discussion has swayed to Finn and away from where she thought it was going – Quinn and him, "Rachel, do you know why Finn won't talk to you? Maybe you had a uh...maybe you had a fight or...something?"
"No." She pauses, looks away, and then looks back, "Well, yes. We didn't have a fight but he thinks I'm selfish."
"Oh? Why is that?"
"Well, I...I convinced him to sneak into Mr. Schue's apartment with me so I could ask him when Glee was coming back. I didn't mean anything negative behind it but Mr. Schue had...well, he had a bad reaction to our presence and Finn has been angry at me ever sense. He acts like I did it on purpose and now whenever I speak, he twists my words around so they sound...terrible. He thinks I'm terrible. I don't know what to do to fix it."
"Why...why would you sneak..." Emma starts but changes her mind. She can't think about Will right now. She still feels heartbroken over smacking him. She needs to call him. Needs to apologize. She needs to help Rachel first. "Well, Rachel. I think maybe if Finn thinks that you're being selfish you should try to find a way to prove to him that you're not."
"How...how do you suggest I do that?" Rachel asks quietly.
"Well, try taking an interest in the things that he's interested in...like football or..."
Rachel cuts her off, a slight annoyance in her tone, "All he's interested in these days is Quinn and Mr. Schue. He spends all day texting or talking about Quinn and then after school, he's been visiting Mr. Schue. I know he's going over there today. He told Artie and Artie told Mike and Mike told...and well, it eventually got back to me."
Emma fidgets at the news. If Will is accepting visitors maybe she could try to see him sometime this week. She needs to speak with her therapist about it. She considers Rachel's words for a moment, rubs more sanitizer in her hands, "Quinn was released from the hospital today. Maybe you could visit her and see how she is doing? If Finn sees that you're making an effort to be a good friend to her, maybe he'll appreciate you more."
Rachel smiles slightly and nods, "I do want to see how she is doing." She looks at the wall, lost in thought, before smiling and standing, "I will bake her some sugar cookies tonight and bring them to her after school tomorrow. Thank you, Miss Pillsbury."
"You're welcome, Rachel." She smiles her own slight smile as Rachel leaves the office. Contemplates baking her own sugar cookies as an apology for an undeserved slap to the face.
* … * … * … * … * … * … *
Quinn feels like shit. Once she left the hospital earlier in the day and returned to the loneliness of her room, she lost the will to do...well, anything. She just wants to sleep. Her sister pokes her head through the open door every hour or so to make sure she hasn't hung herself in the closet.
It's unnecessary. She told Will she wouldn't. She can't lie to him.
She misses her friends. She misses the Cheerios. She misses Coach Sue.
Her mom won't let her return to school until the therapist gives the approval. She's scheduled to meet with her the following day. Quinn wonders if she can fool the woman into thinking that she's cured. That she's normal. That she doesn't feel the weight of a pair of black eyes staring at her wherever she goes. She could flip her perfect hair, smile her perfect smile, laugh, nod...anything expected of her.
She's good at pretending. It could work.
Kurt, Finn, and Puck visited her at the hospital the evening before and told her that Will was doing better. That he was up and talking and not spacing out. She was grateful to them for coming, for talking to her, but it made her feel worse. She knows the news should have made her feel better but she just feels like a selfish bitch for feeling no joy for him. She wanted to be the one to help him. She wanted to be the one he needed like she had needed him so many times before.
She hasn't texted him again yet. She can't think of anything to say even though she desperately wants to say something. Desperately wants to speak to him...hold him...love him.
But what would she say?
'Hey, sorry I didn't do anything while that psycho nearly killed you...twice. Friends?'
Or maybe...
'Remember when I stole away the baby you thought was yours and then murdered the little girl you loved like she was your own? Yeah...sorry about that.'
She stares at her phone laying innocently on the bed next to her. Curses it silently in her head.
Time ticks. Her sister appears in the doorway again...and again...and again...and again...
Her phone buzzes and her eyes shoot open even though she doesn't remember closing them. Her hand reflexively moves to silence the vibration. It's ruining her quiet.
6:43 pm Message from Will Schuester: Hey
Hey?...Hey?
She's been agonizing over what to say to him for more than a day and he says 'hey'.
….
She isn't sure whether to be pissed, happy, or sad. She chooses to be nothing.
6:45 pm Message to Will Schuester: Hey
How profound.
6:46 pm Message from Will Schuester: How are you?
"How are you?" She reads it aloud. Incredulous. She feels like shit – angry and lonely and depressed. Does she lie? Does she tell the truth?
She settles on something in between.
6:48 pm Message to Will Schuester:I've been better...
He doesn't reply back for a few minutes and she wonders what he's doing. If he's laying in bed like she is. She misses laying on his chest – listening to his even breathing, his heartbeat. The thought forces her out of bed long enough to pull on his beat up leather jacket. She wraps it tightly around her body and lays back down. Pretends he is with her.
6:54 pm Message from Will Schuester: Would you rather have one incontinent lion who doesn't clean up after himself or a hundred noisy crickets to do all of your housework?
What the fuck?
Her mind drifts back to the basement. To all the silly questions he asked over those two and a half months – when she was sad or angry or depressed. Anything to diffuse her mood and make her smile. And she realizes with a start, for the third time since she was forced into that dungeon, that even after everything...he's just Will. After everything Monster did to him, after everything she did to him, after all the talk and stares and pity and condemnation – he's still just Will and she loves him. More than anything, she loves him.
And her heartbreaks a little more because she knows that she can't have him. That he can't love her back. Won't love her back.
Her hand goes to the keypad to type her response. The lion. Crickets are bugs and bugs are gross. It should be so easy – but she can't to do. She's hitting the call button over his name instead and listening with her ear pressed as tightly to the phone as possible. It rings.
And it rings...and it rings...and it rings...and then it stops.
She prepares herself to leave a voice mail. To beg him to talk to her because she needs him to talk to her, but his recorded message never prompts her to leave a message. Never starts at all. She waits...and waits...and then realizes that the message hasn't started and her phone hasn't hung up which means...
"Will?" Her voice cracks slightly but there is more surprise than anything wrapped up in her tone.
She's greeted with more silence.
"Will? Are you...are you there? Please talk to me." She tries again and this time it's the desperation that shows itself in her voice.
She notices her sister poke her head into the room again and she glares in response. She must have gotten the message because she turns quickly and skulks away.
"I'm here." His voice is very quiet. Hardly a whisper but she hears him and lets out a muffled sob in reply. They're both quiet for a long moment and shockingly, it's him who breaks it first. "Lion or crickets?"
She laughs and she hears him sigh into the phone. She isn't sure what the sound means. "The lion. Crickets are bugs and bugs..."
"Are gross." He finishes her sentence when her voice trails off. She's told him before of her hatred of anything smaller than her hand, anything slimy, anything with more than four legs – he killed a lot of spiders during their time together. She told him before and he remembered.
"I miss you." She blurts it out. She's told him in a thousand texts but she needs to tell him now. Needs him to know.
There is a long pause and then his voice is back, quiet. "Quinn."
"I know you probably don't miss me. I know you hate me. I know that what I did was inexcusable. But..."
"Quinn." He cuts her off with just her name and they sit silently together even though there is a town separating their bodies. He speaks again after a very long time, "I...I...miss you too."
She sobs. Tries to get the words out through her tears. "But..."
"I don't hate you."
"But..."
"I don't blame you." His voice cracks for a moment before returning to its whisper state. She isn't sure if she believes him – he's never lied before but it's different now. Everything is different now. Maybe it's enough to hear the words now though.
"I love you. I love you so much." She's crying fully now. Tears stream down her face and soak her pillow. Her mother appears in the doorway.
"Who is that, Quinn?" Her mother asks warily. Everyone is wary around her these days.
Her eyes go to her mother just as she hears the familiar word whispered in her ear, "Don't."
She cries harder.
"Who is that, Quinn?" Her mother repeats, stepping into the room.
She takes a moment to compose herself. His word helps. Don't. It's always been like a smack to the face. Every time she declares her love – don't. Every time her hands wandered too far downward – don't. Every time she raised her arm to smack him – don't. And one time when Monster made her choose between...
She pinches her eyes shut tightly to chase off the memory. She still hasn't apologized to him for that one. She choose Becky over him again and again and again and then she choose herself over him. She choose herself and he hadn't spoken to her since. Almost two months without his voice. Until the hospital two days ago...
Until now.
"Quinn?"
"It's alright, Mom. I'm fine." She sits up and props herself against her pillows. She hasn't done so in several hours and her back protests the movement. She hides her discomfort and her mom doesn't seem to notice. She checks to make sure the counter on her phone is still running – that he hasn't hung up. He hasn't.
"Who is that, Quinn? You need to tell me or I'm going to..."
She cuts her mother off, "It's...it's Will. Mom, please don't."
Her mother's eyes widen slightly but then she nods and leaves the room silently. She knows that her daughter needs the man on the phone. She's needed him since she left that awful place. If he's talking to her now, she's not going to interrupt.
It's better late than never.
Quinn is silent for a long time. He is too. She can hear his quiet breathing. "Will."
"Quinn."
"I...I...can I call you again? Will you answer?" Her voice is now a whisper to match his.
He answers quickly, quietly, unemotionally, "Yes."
"I'm tired." And she is. Horribly so, even though it's not late. She feels like she hasn't slept properly in weeks.
She hasn't.
"You should sleep."
She can't let him go yet. Can't let him go at all. "Sing to me. Just for a minute." Silence is her only answer and it stretches wide until she feels compelled to break it, "I know I have no right to ask but you sang me to sleep for two months and I..."
His voice cuts her off. He's not quite singing – more like whispering with a slight melody in his voice but it's enough, "Don't wish it away. Don't look at it like it is forever. Between you and me, I can honestly say that things can only get better. And while I'm away, dust out the demons inside and it won't be long - Before you and me run to the place in our hearts, where we hide."
His voice picks up slightly and she clutches the phone to her ear with one hand while wrapping her other other tightly around her middle. Closes her eyes, pretends that he is there too – holding her while he sings, "And I guess that's why they call it the blues. Time on my hands can be time spent with you."
She feels herself relaxing as his voice warms her, calms her. She needed this, needed him. "Laughing like children. Living like lovers. Rolling like thunder..." His voice trails off and there is silence for another long moment before he's back. "I...I can't do this. Not...this. I..."
"It's okay. It's..." She keeps her eyes closed. Forces herself to stay relaxed.
"It's not...I'm...I'm sorry." She hears the note of panic in his voice. Wants to ease him like he eased her.
"Will, you don't have to sing again. I won't ask it of you. Please just...I'll call you back tomorrow. Please answer." She nearly begs it of him. Clutches the phone as tightly as possible.
"I...okay." It's not even a whisper. Merely a sigh. She knows the conversation is coming to an end.
"I love you."
Silence stretches once again. He swallows heavily. "Don't."
And then the screen on her phone lights up indicating the dropped call. She'll call him again the next day after her therapy session. Maybe if she gets the help everyone thinks she needs, she can give him the help that she knows he needs.
She closes her eyes and falls into a peacefully dreamless sleep for the first time in months.
* … * … * … * … * … *
Kurt is surprised that Will actually made the telephone call to the police station about his wallet. Surprised until the female officer behind the desk mentioned that it was Sue Sylvester who called to have the property released to him. Will had only taken the phone long enough to confirm that he was who he said he was and that he agreed to the request.
The officer hands over the wallet and a set of keys. She asks about Will's car – whether he wants it back or wants it scrapped. He has no idea but he tells her he will have Will call the station again even though he knows that the man most likely won't.
It was a shitty car anyway.
He's running late. A five page paper on Romeo and Juliet kept him after school for a few hours. Unlike Finn and Noah, he actually cares about his grades and hands homework in when it is due. The only downside to this is he now has to visit Will by himself since the other two left his apartment about an hour beforehand.
It wouldn't be a problem except something about Will's often vacant expression makes him nervous.
He knocks on the door when he arrives but receives no answer. He taps the wallet impatiently against his hand a few times before he tries the door knob. Finn and Puck wouldn't have locked up and he's hoping that Will hasn't yet.
He hasn't. The door swings open and he walks into the blackened apartment.
It feels like walking into a horror movie and he's the slutty co-ed who is too stupid to run out of the house instead of up the stairs.
He turns on the light and closes the door. "Will?"
He receives no answer. He wasn't expecting one. He simply wanted to hang on to his manners. Didn't want to barge into someone's home without announcing his presence.
There is a light from underneath the closed bedroom door and he approaches it. There is a faint buzzing sound coming from within and he listens carefully – trying to identify the noise. He can't. Knocks once and then pushes the door open.
He's not in there but there is a light visible under the closed bathroom door. It's like a game of Where's Waldo.
He knocks on the bathroom door. Pushes it open when he once again doesn't get a reply.
His father would be so disappointed with his manners.
Will is sitting on the side of the tub. An electric hair razor dangles loosely from his hand. His phone and a scattering of his hair lay by his feet. He doesn't look up when Kurt enters the bathroom
"Will?" Kurt tries but still doesn't get a response. Finn mentioned the blank stares – the spacing out. Kurt guesses that's what this is and he approaches carefully. He doesn't want to startle the man. Doesn't want to put himself in harm's way. When he's close enough to reach his hand out, he ducks down so that he's eye level and taps Will's shoulder. His body jerks slightly and his eyes snap up to meet Kurt's. "Hey, I knocked but...I guess you didn't hear me."
He doesn't answer but he shuts off the clippers and drops them to the ground as if he's been caught doing something bad. He turns his head away and sucks his lip into his mouth. Scrapes it against his teeth a few times until it draws blood.
"Don't do that." His voice is strong and sure even though the sight makes his stomach queasy. He stands upright and moves to leave the bathroom, "Clean up. I have your wallet. I'll be waiting in the kitchen."
He turns and leaves. Shuts the door behind him and walks slowly to the kitchen. Sits at the table and waits. He can't help and feel like he's done something wrong – as if he's scolded a small child for doing something they didn't know was bad.
In a way, that's exactly what he has done.
Five minutes or so pass before Will hesitantly walks into the kitchen. Half of his head shaved army short but uneven, the other half sticking up at odd angles. Kurt can't help but stare at it for a long moment – until Will starts to fidget uncomfortably.
He clears his throat and pulls the leather wallet and keys from the pocket of his Marc Jacob's jacket. Sets them on the table. Will approaches slowly and sits on the bench across from Kurt. Reaches out and slides the wallet towards himself, "I haven't seen this since..."
He trails off and looks away. Kurt regards him sadly, "I didn't know what to do about your car."
His grip tightens on the wallet. He keeps his eyes averted, "I..it would...it probably has blood..."
"I'll have Coach Sylvester tell them to junk it."
He nods. A long moment of silence stretches. A big part of Will's life is now stretching silences. He doesn't want Kurt to feel uncomfortable so he breaks it. "I...uh – Finn is bringing over his X-box tomorrow if you want to..."
"Video games are not really my thing but I'll come over and watch, I guess." He sits back. Keeps his wide blue eyes trained on the man in front of him as if he's going to do something unexpected at any moment. Will must catch on because he drops his head further – attempts to hide. Quinn does the same thing.
"Thank you for..." He trails off but holds the wallet up slightly. Opens it carefully, slips his credit card out, and slides it across the table. "You can order your shoes if...if you want to."
Kurt takes the credit card but doesn't stand. He reaches across the table and slides a notebook and pen sitting there towards himself. Opens it to a blank sheet of paper.
He can tell Will is trying. Trying to get better. Trying to act like his old self. It's not really working – he clearly needs intensive therapy. Needs to get out of this apartment and pick up a hobby of some sort. Occupy his body so his mind doesn't have time to dwell on other things. He's glad Finn is bringing over the video game for that reason. He wants to watch to gauge his reaction when he has something stimulating to occupy him. He wants to tell Quinn about it. Maybe give her some hope.
"Did something happened today? Is that why you were in the bathroom like that? Did Finn or Puck upset you?" The questions slip out of his mouth out of no where. He was wondering but not planning on asking. The silence was starting to get to him and he wonders how Will exists in a world with barely any sound at all. Finds it incredibly sad.
Will fidgets slightly. Watches Kurt fiddle with the pen. Whispers his reply, "I...uh...no. No they didn't do...we did homework. She...Quinn...called. She called and I did something I shouldn't have."
"What?" His own voice is angry now. If he hurt Quinn...
"I shouldn't have..." He closes his eyes, stops, and starts again, "I didn't want her to be sad."
"What did you do?" Kurt crosses his arms. It's frustrating to speak with someone when they only communicate in stutters and stops.
"I asked her about crickets."
"Huh?"
"And a lion."
"I'm not following."
"I texted her. I told her that I would...text her. But she called...and I sang to her and...talked to her. I shouldn't have...I shouldn't have done that." He says the last part so quietly that Kurt is sure he's talking to himself – admitting it to himself, and not to Kurt.
"She needed you." Kurt answers slowly. "She needs to speak to you. She wants to speak to you. You aren't doing anything wrong by talking to her if that's what she wants."
"She...I hurt her...so badly." He moves his hands to cover his face and Kurt thinks he's crying but when his hands move away several long seconds later, his face is dry.
"How? How did you hurt her?"
"I...she...when we were...in that place..." He stops. Sucks his lip into his mouth and hides his face in his hands again. Kurt knows he's pushed too far and he stops. He was talking about something that happened in that basement. He hurt Quinn in the basement. He can't try to force him to speak about that.
Therapy. He needs therapy. Needs to speak with a trained therapist.
He changes the subject completely.
"Do you remember that time around Christmas last year when you caught Azimio trying to hoist me up the flag pole?" He pauses and waits for the nod. When he receives one, he starts drawing lines on the paper in front of him.
Will drops his hands away from his face. Wipes the line of blood from his lip on to his sleeve. Watches intently as more lines are drawn on the paper.
"And you gave him detention for a month and let me hang out in your office during your free period?" Another nod. "You didn't make me talk about it. I was very appreciative of that. Sometimes talking about it doesn't do any good. And sometimes it helps to talk to someone who is trained to help."
He meets Will's eyes and then motions towards the paper between them.
"Instead, you played Tic Tac Toe with me for an hour even though you had that stack of Spanish essays sitting on your desk waiting to be graded. And then you walked me to Glee Club and let me sing Total Eclipse of the Heart even though it had nothing to do with the lesson that week."
Will nods again and Kurt draws an X in the center square. Holds the pen out to Will. He takes it slowly and draws an O above the X.
"None of us are ever going to make you talk if you don't want to. We understand that things are hard for you. We just want to be there for you like you were there for us so many times. Okay?" He draws his X to the right of the O.
Will nods again. Makes an O to block the X's.
"But..." He pauses as he makes his X. There is going to be a stale mate. There is always a stale mate when they play together. "You are going to let me fix your hair before I leave. You look ridiculous."
Will smirks.
It's a good sign.