Notes: Thank you for the lovely feedback and support, everyone! I really appreciate it.
Speaking of, I'm quite pleased to say that I've had not one but two people write fic for baby, don't forget my name! If you're interested, I encourage you to go read them and review. They're both awesome! ;)
On here: Unbreakable by Mewnekoice123 [Haizaki sings karaoke to The Squad]
Here & AO3: Flickers of time by TheLadyMuse [Haizaki in a band, guys!]
Disclaimer: I do not own Kuroko no Basket.
Next Update: August 18, 2017
LXXXII. July 31, 2012 - Tuesday
Shougo is used to waiting, wondering, and hoping desperately that the person he's waiting for will eventually get well enough that he doesn't have to wait anymore. He did not miss it.
Fucking waiting rooms are gloomy, ominous places where others like him are forced to sit and hope and wonder and wait, and he hates them, hates this whole damn place.
But he can only be so angry, so worried and anxious before he's just... not. At some point, the emotions fade or else get pushed back, become much less overwhelming and all-consuming. No one can be so emotional constantly. Such a state is far too draining, especially for his twelve year old physique.
Which means, after the initial panic (and after he carefully shuts down all thoughts laden with guilt), Shougo is left with nothing.
Well, maybe exhaustion. Flickers of amusement, too, at some of his friends' quips or especially funny reactions. Irritation at the dumbass show airing on the one TV in the room. (He doesn't remember it and hopes viciously - distantly - that it was cancelled after its first season.)
Mostly, though, he's lethargic and tired but hyper-aware in the way that he knows mean he won't get any sleep. Not that he wants to. He just... doesn't care, can't care, not anymore.
(Because caring? That gets you hurt. It opens you up to pain and misery, paints a big ass target over your heart for anyone to find, leaves you vulnerable and defenseless.
And the worst part is that it's all your fault.
You tear down your own walls to let people in, lead them to your treasures, share with them everything of yourself, heart and soul, and then hope desperately that they won't wreck everything and mess you up inside afterwards.
Because all you can do is hope.
Hope you made the right choice. Hope you come out of it alive when you make the wrong one. Hope the walls and gates and locks you rebuild over the ruins are enough to protect you this time.
Hoping for shit never did anything for you, though, and now you're paying the price for your own stupidity.
But- you- don't- care.)
There's only the quiet inside his own head and the damnable waiting.
[Outside his bubble of solitude, his friends huddle together and converse in hushed tones, shooting worried looks at him all the while.
Finally, they come to an agreement. They play a quick game of rock-paper-scissors, and half of them look put out at the outcome. The others, almost relieved.
Aomine Daiki merely sighs, squares his shoulders, and walks over to Haizaki, who is curled up in one of the chairs, expression unreadable and shoulders slumped as if sinking under the weight of the world, and claims the seat next to him.
He knows what he has to do.]
"Before Tetsu got us to talk to each other, I didn't think much of you," Daiki says out of nowhere.
Shougo turns his head slightly to look at him, wondering when he got here and what he's talking about. And when did they end up alone? "...Yeah?"
Daiki nods, staring straight ahead, leaned back in the chair and arms crossed, a determined tilt to his mouth. "Far as I could tell, you were always looking for a fight and didn't really care who took you up on it. Plus, you skipped practice and acted like you couldn't care less about basketball. Even did shit that could've got you kicked off the team. Dunno. I just thought you were ungrateful and annoying and not worth my time." He shrugs, not sorry about his harsh description but not vicious about it either. "When Tetsu told me he was hanging out with you and that you were actually coaching him, well, I was suspicious."
Shougo has had far worse accusations flung at him, most of them from himself, so he's not bothered by that or the less than favorable first impression. Besides, Daiki's not wrong. Shougo tells him so.
He clicks his tongue, irritated. "What I'm sayin' is I was wrong. I dunno if you somehow did a personality flip since school started or if you were putting on a front, but that shit ain't all you are, man." Shougo blinks at him owlishly, blindsided by the heated defense from this- from him. Daiki goes on, keeping his tone even, "You're an alright dude. No, don't argue with me. I'm not Tetsu. I ain't gonna put up with it. Either believe me, or keep quiet." He bulldozes over any attempt at a protest, apparently not having any of it.
Reluctantly, Shougo shuts his mouth.
Daiki huffs, rolling his eyes at Shougo's disgruntled expression. He grows serious soon enough, though, and Shougo is struck by the thought of how weird it is to see him like this. This Daiki has hardly been genuinely serious since Shougo's known him, so to see it now is strange. Almost unsettling.
Unaware of his musing, Daiki explains, seemingly going off subject, "I figured out something else, too. I'm pretty awful at recognizing my own shit, so I didn't even realize that the stronger I got in basketball, the more I worried about my future opponents. It was like a small part of me knew that eventually, I'd get good enough that nobody could beat me." Here, he grits his teeth, the grips he has on his arms becoming painfully tight. "What a fucking shitty outcome, right? Arrogant, too. I thought, 'There's no way.' So I ignored that part of me and kept getting stronger, and though I was fucking ecstatic when I won, I was also disappointed. It was one step closer to the inevitable. One more obstacle overcome."
He laughs derisively, tilting his head to look at Shougo, eyes dark and pained. "But Haizaki, what happens when you 'overcome' all the obstacles? What happens when the last obstacle is yourself?" He asks, almost begging, tone and desolate expression alarmingly similar to that of his future self. "I've been thinking about that a lot lately. I don't know what I'd do if I got to the end of that road only to find nobody next to me. Maybe it is presumptuous and cocky, but... If that happened, I think it'd kill me."
It did, Shougo almost wants to say. It destroyed you. And you pulled everyone else down into hell with you.
"So what changed?" Shougo asks instead, sort of knowing the answer but wanting - needing - to hear everything Daiki's got to say.
"I met Kagami," he admits, a whole host of emotions packed into those three words. "I met him and played against him, and Haizaki... I was so fucking relieved. He's good and getting better, and somehow, I know he can keep up with me. I know that even if do reach the top, he'll be right there with me, ready to knock me back down again." He laughs again, only it's light and happy this time, and though tinged with the earlier pain, his grin is back in full force. "He saved me. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I can do my best and love the game and not have to worry anymore. That's everything to me, you know?" He looks beseechingly at Shougo, who nods, understanding at last.
He'd been able to piece together some of it having been on the same team for a while before quitting. Daiki had always been miles above everyone else in overall skill, and where others would find their limits and stop growing, Daiki's strength and potential had always seemed limitless, making him untouchable.
(Another reason Shougo had never tried to be friends with this guy. The envy alone would have fueled his resentment like nothing else.
And the envy is still there, even knowing how things turned out last time.
After all, in the end, Daiki regained almost everything he'd lost because he had a friend with an impossible will and an endlessly forgiving soul who utterly refused to give up on him.
Shougo had had no such friend and likely hadn't deserved one, anyway.)
It makes sense he'd recognize Kagami's potential. This Daiki isn't hopeless and despairing. He hasn't given up or cut ties. Maybe the other Daiki sensed the same thing but was too far gone to actually believe it. Too bitter and angry and betrayed to dare to hope.
This Daiki's reached the same conclusion in less time, and he's latched onto Kagami like a lifeline, like a light in the dark.
Having witnessed the other Daiki's self-destruction, Shougo can't blame him.
He's reminded that the jokes about kidnapping have all had a grain of truth in them, some level of seriousness, and Shougo is hardly the only one to pick up on it. It's why none of them really complain when Daiki drags them all to the court time and again, even after having practice that morning. He only has a few more days to play against Kagami before he leaves, after all.
None of them are looking forward to it, but Daiki is undoubtedly the one most dreading Kagami's departure, and now Shougo fully understands why.
"In that case... I'm really happy for you, man," Shougo eventually says, actually meaning it when the other Shougo would never. They're both growing and changing, becoming better versions of themselves, proving their fates aren't set in stone, and he can see the results and the paths that led them here.
It's a comforting thought. Things don't have to stay the same. Events and people - they're all changing in ways he can't predict, and while that's scary, it's also a relief.
In that case...
Maybe...
That gets him another laugh. Daiki looks at him then, intent and sincere and leaving no room for doubt, says, "It's because of you. You found him, and because of that, we found each other. I dunno about a lot of things. Like Satsuki says - I'm an idiot about anything but basketball. So I dunno if we would've met without you, or why you're feeling guilty over this, and you don't have to tell me. Just- I wanted you to know. You and Kagami - I can smile and play the sport I love with nothing holding me back because of you guys. So thank you."
Stunned, Shougo can only stare at him. He's- This whole time, he's wanted to believe his being in the past and changing stuff was a good thing. Wanted to believe it so desperately that he grasped for any bit of evidence to prove it to himself.
Too often, his presence only causes harm. His whole life is a tapestry of mistakes and bad decisions and- and hurting people. His loved ones and strangers and teammates. He's never once thought he was good for anything, despite well-meaning family and friends telling him otherwise.
But here it is. An unmistakable, undeniable admission that he's helped someone. It's not a pitiful attempt to reassure himself or a faint hope. But fact. Truth.
Daiki believes it, and so Shougo does too.
He can't even put into words how that makes him feel. Doesn't even know if there's enough words in the world to describe the healing-hurt-guilt-loathing-joy-pain-relief swirling inside his suddenly too small head and heart and body, but it's there and growing and gushing out in full force.
Daiki grows distinctly more embarrassed under Shougo's wide-eyed stare, dark skin growing even darker until he snaps, "Cut it out, will you?"
Shougo lets out a weak chuckle, chest fuzzy and warm and hurting and hot, a glowing feeling of accomplishment blanketing him, eyes burning.
"Sorry," he croaks, but the word is lost to a sob, tears leaking out in hot streaks despite his best efforts, refusing to be contained any longer. "Sorry," he tries again, so damn happy and relieved and grateful and sad that he can't help but cry.
"Shit!" Daiki curses, panicking, hands hovering over him uselessly. "I didn't mean to make you cry. If the others see this, they'll kill me and make it look like an accident!"
Shougo laughs/sobs, blinking wet globs from his eyelashes, and sniffling when snot threatens to dribble out. "I'm okay," he promises, and for once, he means it. For once, he actually is.
Daiki doesn't look the least bit convinced. "...If you say so," he says, searching the mostly empty room for their absent friends - likely in case they come back and draw the wrong conclusion from Shougo's waterworks.
Apparently in the clear, Daiki reclines back against the chair and huffs, "This is why I don't talk about feelings and shit. I'm not good at it. Probably made it worse!"
"No," Shougo says, roughly wiping his face against the sleeve of his once-clean yukata. He's sure his eyes are red and his face puffy and gross, but he doesn't really care right now. "You made me feel better," he admits and watches as Daiki turns to him in surprise. "A lot fucking better."
Daiki's faint frown morphs into a pleased little smile, and he rubs his finger under his nose, eyes focused anywhere but Shougo's face. "Yeah? Well... Good, then."
"Guess basketball's not the only thing you're good at," Shougo quips, feeling up to some humor after everything. "You've got inspirational speeches down pat."
He snorts, shaking his head. "Nah, that's Tetsu's thing. I'll stick to kicking your collective asses on the court." Daiki glances at him again and asks, "You sure you're good?"
"Yeah."
"Alright. I'm gonna go find the others. You stay here. Somebody else'll be coming to replace me."
Shougo quirks a brow. "What, you're taking turns?"
Daiki laughs, already backing away. "Didn't want to crowd you. Or so says Satsuki." He rolls his eyes and whirls around to walk properly, disappearing into the hall beyond - opposite the one with rooms of patients, leaving Shougo alone.
Well, except for the other 'visitors,' but half of them are sleeping, and the others are either watching TV or listening to music or something - nowhere near him. Thus, he can go over everything in his head in peace.
He did good. He sort of feels like a dog, wagging its tail and happy out of its fucking mind to be called a "good boy." But who gives a fuck? He is happy, and he's not about to put himself down for it. Fuck off with that shit, damn shitty brain.
...
This is an unexpected development, just like his mom getting heatstroke. Only Daiki meeting Kagami is a much better outcome, obviously.
So. So one good thing, one bad thing. Both not expected, neither happening last time. And it's because of him. There's no doubt about it. The butterfly effect or some shit like that.
He ended up here, so things are changing, whether he likes it or not. There's no way of knowing just how his mere presence is affecting things, nor how his choices shape the future.
And- maybe he just has to live with that. Because he's not going to stop changing shit. He's already changed so much, after all. He's still dead-fucking-set on preventing his mom's deteriorating health, and- well now that he has friends and is invested in their health and well-being, he wants to stop their fall out, too.
He tilts his head back against the wall and lets out a heavy sigh. That's the first time he's said - thought - it so readily, so seriously. Apparently, he wants to help the Miracles and actually intends to do it, somehow.
Huh.
He still feels guilty as all hell for his mom having to go through this. That's not going to go away so easily. But he can't let it drag him down, can't let it dissuade him from his self-imposed mission. He's going to save her, damn it, and no one's gonna stop him.
Not even himself.
After Daiki comes Tetsuya, who takes one look at him and says, not quite annoyed, "I had a speech planned and everything."
Shougo laughs pretty hard at that, especially in light of what he and Daiki had discussed just before he left. Tetsuya wears a satisfied smile as he waits for Shougo to calm down.
"Hey, if you still want to say it..." Shougo offers, grinning.
"I think I'll save it for the next crisis," Tetsuya deadpans.
"What, is it one size fits all?" He asks.
"My secret is that I use one speech for every occasion. It's a simple case of fill in the blank."
Shougo considers that. "Huh. I never noticed."
Tetsuya smiles a little wider. "I'm just that good, Haizaki-kun."
Next is Kagami, who asks, "Future shit?"
"Future shit," Shougo confirms.
Kagami furrows his fuzzy brows. "Damn."
Shrugging, Shougo says, "I was just surprised. This didn't happen last time. So I thought-"
"That it was your fault?" Kagami interrupts him, disbelieving.
"I know, I know," he says, sighing. "It was dumb. I'm a dumbass. I'm over it." At Kagami's dubious look, he amends, "Mostly. I think."
"You better be. This is some freaky shit, but it doesn't make you omnipotent. You can't beat yourself up over shit you have no control over," Kagami warns.
"I know," he says again, touched by the concern everyone is showing someone like him. "I... I won't."
Kagami accepts his answer with a grunt. Satsuki replaces him, clearly worried even though the others must have relayed his getting better to her.
"Dai-chan told me what you two talked about," she tells him after squeezing the life out of him with a surprise hug. "I didn't know anything was wrong, that he was suffering like that - not until he told me a few days ago. I'm his closest friend, and I didn't notice. Just thinking about how that could have affected him-!"
Her eyes fill with tears as she speaks, but none of them fall.
"I'm so, so glad he has a rival now, that he can wear those big, dopey grins of his and play as much as he wants. That some far off possibility won't take that away." She smiles warmly at him and says, "Thank you, Hai-chan. Thank you so much. Even if it was unintentional, you gave us our bright future back, and I'm not sure we could ever repay you for that."
"You- You don't know how much hearing that means to me," Shougo manages to get out past the lump in his throat. Fuck, he is not tearing up again! "I- Thank you for telling me," he settles on, once again thinking there's no good way to describe the vortex of emotion whirling inside his chest, as all-encompassing as a hurricane.
She laughs, not unkindly, as she reaches over to wipe a stray tear beneath his eye. "You're so welcome, Hai-chan."
His next companion throws himself at Shougo in a whirlwind of long limbs and blond hair and whining, and Shougo resignedly catches him and returns the embrace.
"I'm so, so sorry this happened, and I'm really glad your mom's okay! You don't have to worry anymore 'cause I'm here, and I'll comfort you, Haizakicchi!" Ryouta tells him passionately, and Shougo rolls his eyes and slaps at the hand inching towards his ass.
"I don't want that kind of comfort, dumbass," Shougo huffs.
"Whoops, sorry," he says, but Shougo can feel Ryouta's unrepentant smile against his neck. "I'll just stick to oral."
Shougo groans and shoves the laughing bastard off of him, glaring balefully down at him on the floor. "You are literally garbage."
"That just means you should take me out!"
"Yeah, to the fucking curb."
"Hmm? Is that where the kids are doing it nowadays?"
"I will set you on fire," Shougo threatens, clamping down on the grin trying to form on his face.
Ryouta wiggles his eyebrows. "That smolder's already got me all hot and bothered."
"Maybe I should toss you in the damn ocean then."
"Now you're trying to get me wet?"
He loses the battle against his own shitty sense of humor and laughs. Ryouta lights up, visibly pleased as he joins in.
Shougo smiles, softened by the revelations before this, happiness settling over him like a second skin, love for his friends spilling over and drenching everything. "You're the worst," he says and doesn't even try to hide the fondness and affection in his tone.
Ryouta pinks, eyes widening, before reciprocating with his own soft smile. "You're the best," he replies, and Shougo can't mistake it as anything other than genuine.
Ryouta parts from him with great reluctance, but he insists that "Nijimuracchi is scary!" and leaves anyway, inadvertently revealing his last visitor, the only one who it could have been anyway.
When Nijimura storms over to him with an intent, expectant look on his face, one which reads 'I've been patient so far, but I want you to tell me everything, now,' Shougo realizes he can no longer get away with his half-assed explanation from what seems like so long ago and just might have to reveal the truth for the second time in as many days.
Shit.
End Notes: three cliffhangers in a row? tri-tri-tri-triple kill!
- if you're skeptical about daiki realizing so soon, i just figured- kid has good instincts, and i think he could gauge his own potential. compared to everyone else (save the miragen), he's rapidly improving, enough that it probably feels like they're growing at a snail's pace. and i don't see him not being able to tell, just him denying, ignoring, and dismissing it. anything but actually acknowledging it. because why would he want to be right?
the rest of my reasoning makes up a good chunk of the dialogue up there lol
- haizaki has had moments in the fic where he thought "i did good!" but this is the first time someone's actually said it to him and in a way he can't deny. that's why it's so important.
- tried to make the heart-to-hearts sincere w/o being too cheesy, but i think we earned some cheese after these last few chapters!
- momo&ao didn't know what the problem was, so they thought they'd cheer him up/possibly distract him from his own problems/get the 'thank you' out of the way
Review Replies:
Guest - "Nijimura has the instincts of an overprotective bear" thank you for this. mama bear nijimura is my new hc.
Guest 2 - "poor, trembling fawn Shougo" someone say this to his face. best way to describe him. 10/10. aki and fuyu will make their debut shortly!