A/N: Again, thank you to everyone who's been reviewing! Also thank you to the people who came and said hi to me on tumblr; I heart you ;D I think you guys know by now I'm shit when it comes to answering reviews (unless it's a question), but for some reason I don't have that issue with my ask box? Idk why xD But anyway, it's been nice to be able to talk to you guys :) /end stupid ramble lol

CHAPTER THIRTY SIX

"I don't think I can do this."

Narcissa was staring at the potion Bellatrix got her. It was sitting on her bedside table, looking entirely less threatening than it really was. Her sister was behind her, legs spread on either side of Narcissa's body, with her arms wrapped around her torso as she leaned her chin on her shoulder, looking at the potion as well.

"It'll just be like having your period," Bellatrix told her softly.

"I very much doubt that."

Bellatrix took a breath, leaning back a little so one of her hands could come up and stroke her hair. "It won't be as horrible as you're imagining, Cissy. Your baby is only four weeks along; it's probably about the side of a poppy seed. If anything, you may pass a tiny clot, that's it. This potion works like a sped up version of a miscarriage though, so there will probably be a fair amount of cramping involved. But it's not like you'll see a dead baby fall out of you."

"Even if it's just blood, it'll still be my baby," Narcissa responded softly. "It doesn't matter what it looks like; I still know what it is." She sighed miserably, shaking her head. "Why do we have to do this on Christmas?"

"Because the sooner we take care of it, the better," Bellatrix replied. "Besides, you'll be going back to Hogwarts in a couple days; I don't know how long the pain is going to last but we should be sure to give it enough time so you don't have to deal with it there."

"But if it's sped up, wouldn't it only last a day?" Narcissa turned her head to look at her older sister, who shrugged.

"I don't know; it's not like I've ever done this."

Bellatrix received no answer from Narcissa so she sighed softly, slipping out from behind her. She grabbed the potion from off the bedside table, handing it to her. "Come on then, the longer you put it off the harder it's going to be."

Narcissa took the potion in her hands, taking a shaky breath. "You'll stay with me?" she asked in a small voice, looking up at her vulnerably. She didn't want to be alone.

"Of course."

Narcissa fiddled with the cork on the bottle, chewing on her bottom lip. Once she took this, it was over. But could she live with the guilt? That was the question. Sure, she'll probably have more children down the line, but what about this child? What would this child have turned out to be? It was hard, thinking of the 'what if's.' But the problem was, she knew none of it mattered. She had to do this, whether she wanted to or not. If she didn't, she'd lose Lucius. She'd lose her status. She'd lose the life she had grown accustomed to.

"Why are you being so nice to me?" she asked softly, looking up her sister. "I thought you'd hate me forever, after you found out what I did. But you're being… supportive. I don't understand."

Bellatrix played with the hem of her robes self-consciously. She shrugged, as if to not make a big deal out of it, yet explained, "You're engaged now; properly. If you wanted, you could live with Lucius without anyone batting an eyelash."

"And you don't want me to go," Narcissa finished for her quietly.

"No," Bellatrix confirmed. "I don't. We have two years left together; I want to make the most of it. I don't… I don't want you to leave, just because I couldn't stop taking my anger out on you."

"You've always done that."

"Yeah." Bellatrix looked up at her, giving her a half smile as she let her hand slide through Narcissa's long blonde locks. But her expression quickly turned sad. "I think sometimes it's the only thing I know how to do. You're an easy target… because you love me."

"You know that's horrible, right? That's not what love is about, Bella," Narcissa told her, wishing her heart didn't constrict so hard at the painful truth. She raised her hand up, taking Bellatrix's that was in her hair and bringing it back down to her lap. She squeezed tightly. "Love isn't about pain."

"Everything is about pain," Bellatrix told her honestly. "To me." She shook herself out of her dark mood, allowing her voice to grow stronger, yet more neutral as she looked into her eyes. "Besides, there once was a time where you would let me do whatever I wanted; you were extremely submissive. But you're growing up, growing stronger. I've realized you have a limit and I don't really want to reach that."

"I'm still a masochist though," Narcissa replied softly, knowing that much to be true. Bellatrix chuckled lightly.

"Yeah; you are, love. But even masochists have a point where they can't take any more pain."

Narcissa looked up at her curiously. "Do sadists have a point where they can't cause any more pain?" If the other side of the spectrum had a limit, it only stood to reason that people like her would too. She often wondered if there was a line even Bellatrix wouldn't cross.

"I don't know," Bellatrix answered honestly. "But I don't think that point exists with me."

"Yet you're trying to stop."

"For you; out of fear of being alone," Bellatrix replied, brushing her thumb along the back of Narcissa's hand. "I don't think I can survive without you. I wouldn't know how." She smiled at her, albeit a little sadly. "It's always been you, Narcissa. No one else sodding matters but you. The world could burn around us and I would care for no one's screams but yours. I would walk through the fires of Hell to save you from distress."

Narcissa blinked back tears, returning her smile before she leaned in, kissing her softly on the lips. This was the sister that she loved. Even with all the pain, Narcissa knew this side of Bellatrix existed beneath the surface. That's why she couldn't leave her. Not just because they were bound to one another, but because no one else thought of her as their whole world. It was nice to be needed; to be loved, unconditionally.

"I love you, Bella," she whispered as they parted, her fingers brushing a stray curl away from her sister's eyes. She was so beautiful. She let her hand fall back down, allowing her sister to take it in hers once again.

"I love you too."

They were silent for a while, each looking into the other's eyes while their hands lay clasped between them. But the moment couldn't last forever. Bellatrix nodded to the potion. "Take it," she prodded. "Afterwards I'll make you some warm butterbeer and we'll open presents, okay?"

Narcissa exhaled sharply, looking at the tiny bottle in her hand. "I'm scared," she admitted in a whisper.

"I'm right here," Bellatrix told her, moving so she could place her hand on the small on Narcissa's back, rubbing it comfortingly. "I won't let anything bad happen to you. I swear it."

Narcissa knew that, but it was still scary nonetheless. She bit her bottom lip as she popped the cork off the bottle, looking at the dark red potion. It already reminded of her of blood and made her a bit queasy. But she gripped Bellatrix's hand tighter, gathering up her courage, before bringing the potion up to her lips. She swallowed the whole thing in one gulp.

She cried out in shock from the sharp pain to her abdomen, dropping the bottle to the floor to hold her stomach. She didn't expect it to work instantly. Apparently, neither did Bellatrix.

"Shit! Come on," she encouraged, getting up as she attempted to pull Narcissa to her feet. "We have to get you into the bathroom."

But instead of allowing Bellatrix to help her, another surge of pain seemed to rip through her uterus and she whimpered, using both hands to cradle her abdomen now, desperately trying to stop the pain. "Bella… it hurts…" she gasped, closing her eyes tightly and groaning as she pitched forward. It felt as if her entire uterus was trying to fall out of her body.

"I know, come on; get up!" Bellatrix exclaimed, seeing a trickle of blood making its way down her sister's leg already. But Narcissa couldn't move due to the pain and Bellatrix had to wrap her arms around her, hoisting her to her feet herself. Narcissa cried out in pain again as the change in vertigo seemed to only aggravate the pain. "Cissy, you need to walk," Bellatrix encouraged.

"I… can't…"

"Fuck," Bellatrix breathed. She knew she wasn't going to get anywhere this way. So she gathered up her strength and bent down, one arm wrapping around Narcissa's legs while the other was around her waist. She hoisted her into her arms and Narcissa whimpered, hiding her face in her sister's hair as Bellatrix rushed into the bathroom.

Narcissa was placed on the toilet immediately and Bellatrix knelt down, hiking up Narcissa's robes to get to her knickers. She pulled them down and Narcissa could feel the wet material sliding all the way down her legs. When Bellatrix took them from her body they were already covered in blood. She tossed it in the trash before she looked up at her, watching Narcissa continue to hold her stomach in pain and rock back and forth slightly.

"You said it'd be like my period," Narcissa gasped through her pain. "You lied. This is so much worse."

Bellatrix shook her head, "I didn't lie; a miscarriage is like having your period, especially when you're not that far along. But it can last for days… this potion is meant to make everything go much faster. That's why there's more blood; why there's more pain. It's condensed." She looked at her sympathetically. "It'll be over soon, I promise."

Suddenly the sharp pain turned into what could only be described as the menstrual cramps from hell and Narcissa groaned loudly, leaning back and trying to extend her torso for some small hope of relief. But it was rare that there was any position during menstruation that would give relief for more than thirty seconds. This is what drove women crazy; the constant pain. It was so bad now that it felt as if it were spreading down her thighs and she was sure her muscles were about to seize they were throbbing so badly. Narcissa would gladly take back the sharp pains than have this; at least those come in intervals with some pause for minor relief in between. This offered no such comfort.

Narcissa looked down at her legs, curling up her lip in distaste as she realized how gross they were. "God, I'm covered in blood," she groaned. "Ew."

"It's not that bad," Bellatrix told her, clearly thinking she was being dramatic. She had her hand on her leg; actually touching some of it like it didn't even matter to her. Narcissa didn't know how she could do that without being completely grossed out. "But I'll clean it for you, okay? Just try to… distract yourself from the pain."

Narcissa kind of wanted to punch her for that statement. Distract herself from the pain? How? If she knew how this felt, she'd know it was impossible.

She whimpered again as her sister rose, going over to the sink. She wet a washcloth, washing her soiled hand in the process, before coming back over her. She knelt down before her and began to wipe the blood from Narcissa's thighs.

"I wanted it to be a girl," Narcissa whispered, eyes still closed as she rocked slightly, gripping her abdomen tighter.

"Don't talk about stuff like that," Bellatrix warned, knowing this could be venturing into very damaging territory.

Narcissa ignored her, needing to say this out loud. "I would have named her Aquila…" a small sob escaped her lips, followed by another whimper of pain as what no doubt was a tiny contraction ripped through her body.

"After the constellation?" Bellatrix asked softly as she continued to wipe down Narcissa's thighs. She knew Narcissa wasn't going to stop even though it only stood to make this so much worse. So she indulged her quietly.

"Yeah," Narcissa whispered sadly. "It's the eagle."

"You could still name your next child that, if it turns out to be a girl," Bellatrix offered. Her hand stilled for a moment, before she slid it down creamy skin to wipe away the last bit of blood. "Have you thought of what you wanted to name your boy, should you have one?"

"Draco," Narcissa told her, trying to let the conversation distract her from the pain. "The dragon." She sniffed, opening her eyes to look at her sister. "My girl, she would be untouchable. Far up in the sky where no one can reach; where no one can drag her down. My boy… he would be strong, fierce; a force of nature. Beautiful, yet utterly frightening. Like you."

"The warrior," Bellatrix replied, moving back a little to put the washcloth back in the sink.

"Yes. I want my children to be named from the sky; like you and…" but she paused, not wanting to say their other sister's name. "I like the stars," Narcissa explained instead, gritting her teeth a little to endure another wave of pain. She could feel the blood trickling out of her. "They're forever; immortal."

"You think me immortal, do you?" Bellatrix asked, chuckling a little as she sat cross-legged at Narcissa's feet once more. She found that Narcissa cried out less when she was talking; the distraction was working, no matter how damaging it may prove to be in the long run.

"As opposed to me, yes," Narcissa replied softly, closing her eyes again tightly to try to withstand another small contraction. "I'm doomed to starve to death, enamored by my own reflection."

"They're just names, Narcissa. Besides, I hardly think you'll fall so deeply in love with your own reflection that you forget to eat and die."

"You forget I see my reflection through the eyes of an anorexic," Narcissa replied, pausing a moment to whimper slightly as she rocked forward. "When I look in the mirror I don't see who I am, but what I desire."

"And what do you desire, love?"

Narcissa opened her eyes to look at her before she whispered, "You."

Bellatrix raised her eyebrows, sliding her hands across her thighs comfortingly as she watched her sister cry out in pain again, breathing heavily to try to diminish it in any way she could. "You don't want to become me, Cissy. That's probably the worst thing you could ever do."

"You misunderstand," Narcissa gasped, lurching forward again as she grabbed for her sister's hand, holding it tightly. "I see you as a mirror image of myself; dark, where I am light. Sadist, where I am masochist. Strong, where I am weak—"

"You're not weak."

"—The mirror doesn't have to be literal, Bella. It doesn't have to be a reflection of myself, but merely different sides of the coin. It's the same in its entirety; but looked at from a different point of view, something else completely."

"I don't understand."

Narcissa didn't want her to, so she didn't explain. Names might just be names, but Narcissa felt they held a certain power. Bellatrix was a warrior, in every sense of the word. And Narcissa would fall in love with her own reflection, with what she saw in her mirror; Bellatrix, the other side of her coin, and in the end it would kill her. She had no doubt of that. It was only when and how that was in question. But there was something comforting in knowing what would kill you; as it was the question itself that most people feared.

"Ow, ow! Bella!" she exclaimed suddenly as another sharp pain ripped through her abdomen, making her gasp hard and a tear roll down her cheek. She whimpered pathetically as she felt a gush of liquid leave her body, her inner walls contracting rapidly to move it along faster. Part of her wished Bellatrix got her potion to make her miscarry the normal way; to have this spread out with less pain. But perhaps the emotional damage of her flushing the remnants of her unborn baby out of her body over the course of several days would have been much worse for her psyche.

"It's okay, just squeeze my hand," Bellatrix encouraged. Narcissa did as she was told, falling forward to lean her forehead on her sister's shoulder. "I think it's nearing the end," Bellatrix told her softly. "It'll be over soon."

"I didn't want it to die…" Narcissa whispered sadly, another tear falling from her eyes.

"I know… but this child wasn't for this world. It's going somewhere better."

Narcissa didn't know how true that was, but it sounded nice regardless. She chose to believe in Bellatrix's words as she leaned against her, trying to regulate her breathing. The pain was diminishing now; the worst of it gone. She was left with only slight cramping, which by comparison was like a God send to her body. She still lay against her sister for a while though, Bellatrix's hand stroking her hair.

"Is it over?" Bellatrix asked finally, after a minute's silence.

"I think so," Narcissa replied weakly. She didn't want to get up; she didn't want to see the tiny bit of her child in the toilet bowl. Perhaps it was just blood, maybe even a small clot or two, but that didn't make it any better that her child had yet to have a human form. She knew it was there, somewhere. She might not be able to pick it out, but that didn't mean she couldn't see it.

"You should clean yourself up," Bellatrix suggested softly, pulling away from her a little to look at her. Narcissa shook her head, a tear running down her cheek.

"I don't want to touch it. I don't—I can't…"

"It's okay, I'll do it," Bellatrix told her, trying to save her from anymore psychological pain. Narcissa didn't think she'd be able to handle doing it. What if her hand slipped and she got blood on it? She'd be left wondering if she was touching the dead cell that would have been the start of her child's heart. Maybe it was irrational, but the thoughts plagued her.

Narcissa carefully spread her legs as Bellatrix gathered up a large amount of toilet paper from the roll. When Bellatrix reached forward to clean her up, Narcissa jumped slightly; feeling the material brush up against her.

"Does it hurt?" Bellatrix asked, stilling her hand. Narcissa shook her head.

"No, I'm just… this is difficult. But it's okay." She took a deep breath and looked away, not wanting to see how much blood Bellatrix would have to clean. As her sister wiped away the last traces of her pregnancy, Narcissa stared at the wall, feeling a little empty. A part of her was gone.

Bellatrix made quick work of her task and when she was finished, she held out her hand to Narcissa. "Come up, let's get you standing. You should probably go put on some new knickers before we go downstairs; then we can have our Christmas. Yeah?"

Narcissa nodded weakly, allowing her sister to help her to her feet. She didn't look back as Bellatrix flushed the toilet, but she winced slightly; it was really over. It was really gone. Narcissa was a bit shaky, but with her sister holding her up she could walk. She felt a little faint, but that was probably from losing so much blood. She still had cramps, but they were minor; manageable.

Bellatrix held her up while Narcissa put on a clean pair of panties, making sure she didn't fall because she insisted on doing it while standing up. She didn't want to sit down because she was afraid she'd just lie there and never want to move again. Depression was washing over her in waves.

"Hey," Bellatrix prodded, noticing the upset look on Narcissa's face. She took her hands in hers, having her face her. "I'm really fucking proud of you, okay? You did good." She gave her a small smile, squeezing her hands.

"Yeah," Narcissa replied lifelessly. "It's always good when you murder something, isn't it?"

Bellatrix sighed, but didn't comment. She knew Narcissa wasn't in the mindset for it. Instead she just encouraged her to come downstairs with her so they could have their Christmas. As they walked into the parlor, Rodolphus was waiting for them.

"Did you get rid of it?" he asked.

Narcissa burst into tears.

"You're such a fucking arse!" Bellatrix exclaimed, not wasting a moment as she pulled her crying sister into her arms, cradling her. "That was fucking traumatizing for her, you dick."

Rodolphus, for once, actually looked guilty. "I apologize, I didn't mean for it to come out sounding so… unsympathetic." He peered at Narcissa, who was shaking as she held onto her sister. "Are you alright?"

"Obviously not," Bellatrix snapped, smoothing her hand out over Narcissa's hair. She looked down at her. "Shh… it's okay. Come on, sit down. I'll get you some butterbeer, alright?"

Narcissa nodded weakly and allowed Bellatrix to set her down on the couch. Once she left her, she pulled her knees up to her chest, looking over at their Christmas tree. Another tear fell from her eyes as she imagined having Christmas with her baby. She would have showered it with the most amazing gifts. She'd give it everything it ever wanted and more.

"Sorry," Rodolphus repeated, settling himself into the large armchair.

"Don't pretend," Narcissa whispered, refusing to look at him. He had been such an arsehole lately that it was hard to believe he truly was sorry for her loss.

Rodolphus sighed lightly, but didn't push the matter.

"Here," Bellatrix said, coming back with a butterbeer for each of them. She gave Narcissa hers first. "Drink this; it might make you feel better." Narcissa very much doubted that, but took it into her hands anyway, cradling the cup. Bellatrix gave one to Rodolphus before she sat down, placing her cup on the coffee table. "Presents?" she offered, looking between the both of them. Rodolphus nodded shortly.

It was odd, playing Happy Christmas with a family that was so torn apart. Half of them hated each other, which was ever more present once Rabastan and his wife, Gwendolyn showed up to join the ridiculous familial festivities. Bellatrix tried to greet them, but Narcissa's hand slapped over her wrist immediately while fingernails dug into her skin, silently telling her not to get the fuck up or there would be issues. Narcissa didn't want her anywhere near Gwendolyn. She was having the worst day of her sodding life and she didn't need any more shit piled on top of it. Bellatrix merely nodded at her instead, their eyes lingering just a little too long on each other. It made Narcissa want to punch something.

Lucius dropped by as well later that afternoon, coming to give Narcissa her present and to see if she was doing all right. Bellatrix seemed to take the opportunity of Narcissa's distraction to slip away, which didn't go unnoticed by her younger sister.

"Are you sure you're not feeling any side effects?" Lucius asked in a whisper, sitting on the couch next to Narcissa, who he noticed looked extremely melancholy. She shrugged lifelessly, still clutching her knees to her chest. She wanted to go after her sister, but she didn't have the effort for what drama might lie ahead if she took that path.

"It's emotional, Lucius; not physical. I lost a child today."

"We," Lucius corrected, making Narcissa took over at him in surprise. She didn't really think he thought much about it other than the fact that its existence meant that they could have more children down the line. "We lost a child today, Narcissa. Not just you."

"I didn't think you cared," Narcissa whispered, looking down at her shoes.

"Perhaps it wasn't as emotional for me as it was for you," Lucius started, taking her hand in hers. "But I do care." Narcissa put her chin on her knees and rolled her head to look at him, chewing on her bottom lip. "I just think I can look at this more rationally than you because I wasn't the one who was, quite literally, attached to it. I may have been part of its creation, but I didn't give it life for four weeks. That was you."

Narcissa nodded softly, staying silent. She was glad he did care, because thinking he didn't devastated her. Especially since Narcissa could do nothing but care.

"But that brings me to your Christmas present," he said, grabbing the box beside him, handing it to her. "Happy Christmas, Narcissa."

Narcissa forced a small smile, though it felt fake. Maybe it sounded dramatic, but with the way she was feeling, she didn't think she'd ever really be happy again. Perhaps she was drained of hormones though. She took the box from him, putting her legs down to sit properly so she could open it. When she untied the ribbon she let it fall to the floor carelessly. She gave Lucius another forced smile before she lifted the cover of the box. She assumed it would be a dress because of the shape and style of its container, but what was inside made her gasp quietly.

"It's a promise," Lucius explained, "to give you as many children as makes you happy, when it's time."

Inside the box was an assortment of baby clothing, ranging from every style to every color. Narcissa put her hand to her mouth, stifling a quiet sob. It was perhaps the most tragic, yet most beautiful thing she had ever seen in her life. She was torn between thinking of the child she just killed and the children she was sure to have. But one thing stood out over both of those things: Lucius had known how much having a child meant to her.

She loved him for that.

"Narcissa?" he asked, worried that he had upset her. But Narcissa didn't answer with words; the emotions inside of her were too strong to express with words. She pushed the box to sit next to her on the side of the couch before she turned, nearly launching herself at him. She wrapped her arms around his neck, straddled his waist, and kissed him so hard she was sure she made his head spin.

Narcissa knew she had tears streaming down her face as she kissed him, but he seemed to understand they were happy tears. He grabbed her hips and held her tightly, kissing her back with just as much passion. For the first time that day, Narcissa actually smiled.

"Whoa," Rodolphus interrupted, having a little bit of a delayed reaction to the scene going on in his parlor. He cleared his throat uncomfortably and Narcissa broke the kiss, scowling that someone had to go and ruin it.

"Sorry," Lucius apologized to him, a little out of breath and he turned his attention to Rodolphus. "That was… improper. This is your home; we apologize."

"Oh let them be, Rodolphus; we're all family here. Besides, I think it's kind of sweet."

Narcissa turned her head to look at Gwendolyn, who was smiling at her. Narcissa didn't know how to feel about that. She hated that woman, with pretty much every fiber of her being, but she couldn't help but feel a little grateful that she at least thought Narcissa shouldn't have to be proper in her own home, just because there were other people around. Again, they were all linked in some way by either blood or marriage.

Then a glass broke.

Everyone turned to Bellatrix, who Narcissa didn't even think was in the room just then. But she was in the threshold that connected the parlor to the dining room. The glass of butterbeer that she held in her hand only moments previously was now all over her and all over the floor; she had squeeze it so hard that she shattered the glass.

"Oh God, Bellatrix; are you alright?" Gwendolyn exclaimed, noticing Bellatrix's finger had been sliced open. But she wasn't looking at her; she was staring at Narcissa, eyes hard and jaw clenched. It did take a moment, but she eventually took notice that everyone was staring at her.

"Yeah, just… gripped the damned thing too hard. It's fine," she dismissed, trying to play it off. But Narcissa saw Bellatrix's face; seeing her kiss Lucius like that had hurt her. Gwendolyn, however, ignored Bellatrix's dismissal and took her wounded hand in hers.

"Come on, I'll bandage that for you."

She led Bellatrix out of the parlor, putting her hand on the small of Bellatrix's back. It made Narcissa twitch in anger and she turned away violently, looking at Lucius. He seemed to realize something was wrong because he raised his eyebrows in silent question.

Narcissa leaned in, whispering low in Lucius' ear. "I hate her. She's trying to ruin my sister's life. I swear it."

"Because of…?" Lucius started softly, careful not to be overheard. He didn't finish the question just in case though, which was fine since Narcissa understood. Because of what happened before?

She nodded. "She's trying to… do that again," she answered softly. She needed someone else on her 'I hate Gwendolyn' train, she decided. "And she's married to Bella's husband's brother. That's bound to blow up in their faces."

"Then why don't you do something about it?" Lucius suggest in a low tone, his eyes flickering over to Rodolphus and Rabastan, who were talking amongst themselves.

"Like what?"

"I find it hard to believe that you can't think of a single way to achieve your ends," Lucius replied, chuckling softly. "You're a Slytherin. It doesn't matter if it's the right way, only that it works in your favor in the end."

He had a point.

"Will you help me?" she asked, wanting him on her team. She was so tired of being alone. And she was also so sick and tired of having to compete with that stupid girl. It's always been her. Always. Bellatrix needed to find someone new to play with; someone she didn't love and someone that didn't love her back.

Lucius smiled at her, a little hint of deviancy behind his eyes. "Just tell me what you want me to do."

TBC…