Disclaimer: J.R.R. Tolkien owns all save for characters not in his works.

"I don't understand what I've lost
I don't understand who took it from me
I don't want to know the cost"
~Lost Dreams, Digits

CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE

T.A. 2941

They did not rest often, their pace quick. It seemed Thorin burned with a new fire, a new drive and an urgency to reach the mountain before the cold of winter set. Before Durin's day, Nuil found herself thinking as she climbed the rocky slopes of the mountainside behind Bilbo. Her worry for him only grew as he spent more time looking east instead of at the wearied faces of the Company.

She too was tired, her shoulder healing slowly, now that her body was under the strain of travel. But she pushed on, making no complaint, even as the others did. Gandalf was not with them, and she felt startlingly at unease. The lack of his presence made it feel as though they were stumbling up a mountain in circles. The feeling was only worse when the fog set in three days into their journey.

Nights were spent in silence most of the time, others they would light a fire (rarely), and even Bofur would sing a merry song to lift their spirits.

On one such night, Nuil made her way to Thorin's side, sitting silently beside him. His only acknowledgement of her was that he did not pull away from her as she leaned against his side and he wrapped an arm around her.

Fili glanced at his uncle, and Aunnie as his uncle wrapped an arm around her. Both stared into the fire as the Company listened to Balin's tale of battles he had taken part in when he was a younger lad. Fili was only barely listening, trying not to wince as Kili ran his fingers through his tangled hair as he braided it.

"When do you think we will pass through these mountains?" Kili asked lowly, keeping his voice down. Fili shrugged.

"Uncle says that Gandalf if to meet us before we reach the pass," he said.

"But we are almost there," Kili replied, worry creeping into his voice. Fili hummed, filling his pipe before bringing it to his lips. Kili tugged on a clump of hair, which made him wince. "Mahal this is a mess."

"I'd imagine that your hair is in a worser state," Fili said. "Seeing as you won't even braid it." That earned him a none too gentle yank and he restrained the urge to turn around and tackle his brother. Kili did braid his hair, but it always managed to fall out after only a day. The hairs remaining stubborn no matter how tightly anyone braided them. Fili breathed in, enjoying the calmly effect of the pipeweed, a rather generous gift that Bilbo had offered when his own supplies had run out.

"What are you doing Ori?" Kili asked, spotting the younger dwarf sneaking glances at them. Fili peered curiously at the young scribe. Ori, who had been caught, froze and gave them a nervous look, before he stood and joined them. Sitting beside Fili, albeit nervously, he showed them the sketch, surrounded by writing. A record of the journey so far. The picture, to Fili's surprise was of he and his brother, standing beside another figure who had not been finished yet.

"I was just trying to get your faces right," Ori murmured. "That way others could see, later . . ."

"Could you give me a bigger beard?" Kili asked curiously. "I think it'd make me look more heroic."

Ori's brows shot up, and Fili laughed. "Leave it, Ori, I think it looks very good."

Kili yanked on more of his hair and Fili swore, turning to glare at his brother. "Stop that, would you?"

"Why can't I have a bigger beard? No one would know," he said, a grin on his face. "Scared I would look better than you?"

Ori looked between the two, frowning. "I'd do that if you like," he said, earning a smile from Kili. "But you wouldn't like it."

"Why not?"

Ori flipped to another page that seemed to be full of unfinished drawings and held it up for the brothers to see. In the top corner was a picture of Kili, a very good one, had it not been for the hilarious thing on his face, which would have to be called a beard. It looked more like a dwarfling had drawn on the picture.

Fili snorted, and then burst into roaring laughter. Kili scowled, looking slightly dismayed.

"It would be hard to imagine a beard on you, believe me, I've tried," Ori said.

Thorin looked to his nephews and Ori as Fili burst out laughing, earning stares from the other members of the Company. He was about to tell them to keep it down when Nuil reached up and touched his face, fingers grazing the edge of his beard on his cheeks. He stilled, heart racing at the intimate contact. Looking down he found her smiling at the three.

"Let them," she murmured. "They need to laugh."

"And if it draws orcs or other things to us?" he asked, watching as Dori demanded to see what was so funny, and Kili launch himself at Ori to keep him from showing Dori the book.

Nuil sighed, a yawn passing her lips. "We can hold them off." She looked up at him, exhaustion in her eyes, but spared him a smile. It fell slightly when he looked back to the fire. "What worries you so?"

"Nothing."

"It is more than nothing," she murmured. "You lie poorly."

"Only to you, it seems," he said, giving her an exasperated look. Again he found himself remembering the night on the balcony, gazing at the stars with her. The desire to claim the sweet taste of her lips rising in him. But he would not do so in front of the Company, preferring to kiss her when they were alone.

"Will you not tell me?" she pressed, searching his blue eyes. "Will you not end this misery you have, and let me know?"

Thorin sighed, wanting to tell her of Elrond's words. The fear that the elf could be right, that the gold sickness was in him, and he would fall to it. But he would not tell her, not when she held these fears for herself. No matter how much she pleaded. He would not burden her. She should not have to worry about such a thing, not for him.

When Nuil saw that he would not, his gaze returning to the fire, she sighed. She knew something was not alright, that he was hiding something from her. But tonight she would let it rest, not wanting to fight with him when she was too tired to keep her eyes open. So she sat with him for another few minutes as the rest of the Company laughed at what was inside Ori's book.

Then she drew away from Thorin, the cold wind of the mountains chasing the warmth Thorin had provided away. He looked at her, watching as she rose to her feet. Nuil leaned down and pressed her lips to his head, gripping his shoulder before going to her bedroll and laying down. She could feel his eyes on her as she drifted into a world of dreams.

He lay in her arms, little fingers pulling at her sleeves, running his hands over the fine velvet as she hummed to him. He was so warm, so very, very real. She could feel his little heart beating in his chest, and she delighted in his presence. Her fingers ran through his dark hair, and she marveled at the fine ebony locks as they fell down to his shoulders.

Oh. He was so beautiful. It made her heart hurt at how lovely he was. Her little one. He didn't have a name, she couldn't think of one to call him that fit. She feared that if she gave him a name he would no longer be her little one, he would be something else.

He never really spoke to her. Sometimes he would say her name, or call her 'amad'. She never spoke either, unless it was to murmur sweet things to him. Always content in the silence between them. They spent hours like this sometimes.

He was of dwarven descent, she knew. The little dark hairs that went down his jaw were a prelude to what would someday be a wondrous beard, by dwarven standards. Other times that they spent together she would just sit and watch his face, tilt his head up to look into his deep azure eyes. She knew he was very intelligent. He would show her things from books, point out pictures and smile at her.

But it felt different this time. It felt like he was getting farther away from her, he was not as happy. He did not smile this time, or nestle closer to her. He lay in her arms, but he felt so far away. He was warm, but also cold.

"Amad?"

She paused in her humming, hands stilling in his hair. He had never used that tone before, so questioning, so afraid.

"Yes, mimel ze?"

"Kuf omhilzu lu' azyung nidoy?" he asked in a small beseeching voice.

"I do," she murmured puzzled.

"Zu marad."

She stiffened, looking down at the little boy in her lap. But he was no longer there, instead there was a man in the doorway of the room she was in. Her heart pounded in her chest as panic filled her. But she looked to the man, realizing that it was a dwarf, straightening his armor as if preparing for battle. He looked so young, yet he had a beard that was respectable amongst his kind.

He looked to her, and she knew, she just knew.

It was her little boy.

He looked so sad, so grown, so proud.

He approached her, taking slow steps before kneeling before her and placing his hands on her knees. A thought came to her mind, so sudden that she wasn't even sure if it was hers. 'He looks like his father.'

"Amad," he said in a deep voice, "zu marad."

"Stop this," she murmured reaching out for him. "I will always be here, always for you." His eyes clouded with pain and he shook his head, rising to his feet. He went to the doorway, looking out to where it was bright. He looked back at her, and before her eyes changed back into the little one who had been sitting on her lap.

His gentle blue eyes turned accusing, as if to say, 'if you die, I will never live.'

Then he began to fade, turning paler and paler as he blended in with the light beyond the doorway. Nuil lurched forward, hand outstretched towards him. She wanted to tell him that she would be there, she would live for him, but no words left her lips. As she drew near the door, the last of him faded, leaving her staring into nothing.

"Come back," she finally said, the words passing her lips painfully.

The camp began to stir a little after dawn, rising from their sleep with grumbles and murmurs of unhappiness. The only ones to wake with smiles on their faces were Fili and Kili, cheerily greeting Bombur as they were passed their breakfast.

Nuil rose, quickly waking and looking around herself. The sky was grey, darker in the distance, further into the mountains. She could not shake the ill sense of foreboding as she stared up at the mountains. Nuil had the feeling that part of it was due to her dream. Her dream, of the son she wished was really her own, usually brought her comfort. But last night it only seemed to settle something heavy on her shoulders.

She kept trying to tell herself that it was only a dream, not a vision or anything else holding a promise. Yet watching her son, listen to him speak those words in her dream, disturbed her greatly. Nuil knew that the recurring dream was not just a dream, and her mothers superstitions had been instilled in her. But a part of her did not know what to think of the dream, while she dreaded the true meaning of it.

It was all so confusing and frightening.

Trying to shake her worry, Nuil approached Bombur, waiting silently until the dwarf turned and looked at her, surprise was written on his plump face. He held a bowl of leftover stew from the night before in his hand, but stared at her without saying a word.

"Good morning, Bombur," she said.

"L-Lady Nuil!" he said, his face flushing. "Would you like something to eat?"

"Aye, that would be nice," Nuil replied accepting the bowl as he finished speaking. Bombur turned back to the pot of stew, heating still over the little fire they had managed to make. Nuil sat down on a boulder across from the cooking dwarf, lifting the spoon to her mouth and eating.

"I don't think I've ever said this, but you are a very talented cook, Bombur," Nuil said to the dwarf. Bombur looked up at her, the ladle in his hand frozen in front of his lips as he had been about to eat from it. Bombur flushed, straightening and puffing out his chest with pride at her words.

"Thank you, Lady Nuil-"

"Just Nuil, I am after all a member of the Company," she smiled pleasantly.

"-I've always liked cooking," he went on, eyes alight. "It may not be a warriors craft, but if you ask me brothers, I'm the best in all of Ered Luin."

"Indeed," Nuil smiled. "I do believe I heard of your skill in my time there. Sadly, I did not have the opportunity to see if it was true. The wait however, was worth it."

Bombur grinned at her.

"I hope you're not complimentin' him too much, lass," Bofur laughed sitting beside Nuil. She smiled as he shook out his hat, before shoving it back on his head. Bombur gave his brother a bowl, and Nuil thought she saw the rosy faced dwarf give his brother a roll of the eyes. "He'll never let me forget that a bonnie face such as yours paid him so much attention."

Bofur winked at her, and Bombur only smiled before turning back to the pot. Nuil smiled down at her own bowl. Feeling slightly more lighthearted than she had when she had woken up.

The day started out with fair weather. But ended poorly. The cold wind blistered them throughout the day, so when it began to rain no one was in a good mood. Soaked to the bone and freezing they pushed on well into the evening and settled into a small overhang on the path. It was shielded from the wind, but wet.

Nuil greatly disliked that her prediction of the weather had been right. But there was little for it. She had spent much of the day walking in silence, as had the few other members of the Company. It seemed though that tonight everyone was not in the mood to talk. Sitting down against the overhang, Nuil pulled her cloak around herself even more. Her shoulder throbbed slightly, but did not offer her the same discomfort as it had several days prior.

There was a thud and Bilbo sat down next to her where he had dropped his pack, his curly blond curls plastered to his head. While he still wore the cloak she had given him, he was quite obviously soaked to the bone.

They did not speak for a moment, until the hobbit rubbed his nose and looked over at her.

"I don't know about you, but I cannot wait to be out of these blasted mountains," he grumbled, pulling his cloak around himself tightly.

"We reach the pass in a day," Nuil said, blinking water out of her eyes as it began to come down even harder. Something she didn't think was possible until it did. "From there it should be a quick descent down the mountain."

Bilbo sniffled. "I do hope so."

"It should be if we don't run into any goblins," Fili said settling down on Bilbo's other side.

"Goblins?!" Bilbo squeaked.

"Fili," Nuil muttered in a low voice, sending the golden haired dwarf a look of warning. She did not want to frighten Bilbo too much, or even have the two brother tease him about goblins. Especially when they were all tired, wet and hungry. If Thorin heard them, there would be more than harsh words spoken, she was sure.

"It's late," she went on. "We should get some sleep." Fili grunted and turned to lean about the mountain, wrapping his arm around Kili who was sitting beside him. Nuil sighed, glad that they booked no arguments. She shut her eyes, exhaustion filling her, only to open them when a weight was pressed into her shoulders. Bilbo was leaning against her, light snores already passing his lips.

He must be truly tired, to have fallen asleep so quickly, she mused. Brushing his wet curls away from his eyes Nuil leaned her head against the rock behind her. A flash of lightning cut across the sky drew her gaze to the edge of the overhang where she saw Thorin standing alone, looking out into the storm.

Nuil hummed slightly, a frown crossing her face. He was beginning to worry her. Thorin would not tell her what was on his mind or what worried him. She wasn't sure why he kept her in the dark, and couldn't decide whether or not it was worse than him not wanting her to come on the quest. Nuil watched him until her eyes drifted shut. Where no dreams of her precious son greeted her.

"Kuf omhilzu lu' azyung nidoy?"- Why do you not love me?

"Zu marad"- You die

"Amad"- mother

I've been a good little writer and spent my free time writing, so I think I'll give myself a cookie. This chapter was basically written from scratch after deleting the original, not as long as I thought it originally was . . . huh. Anyways, I'm trying to include more of the characters into the story so it's not all, Thorin and Nuil with little bits of Fili, Kili and Bilbo here and there. Plus, I've noticed that Bombur never really gets any spotlight, at least in the stories I've read so . . . let me know what you think.

And if you noticed my reference to the orc arrow thing between Nuil and Kili then yeah, SPOILERS! :) I couldn't help myself and it seemed right when I wrote it in. Currently I'm trying NOT to start another fanfic about Fili because I've been kinda wanting to, but I really need to finish this one. I blame all the other fanfictions I read when I'm procrastinating.

Read and Review!

~filimeala