~ I've become so numb, I can't feel you there. Become so tired, so much more aware. I'm becoming this, all I want to do - is be more like me and be less like you! ~ Numb, by Linkin Park

Chapter 37

"Numb."

6/14/17 - 6/15/17

~ Ashpaw/Lionstar ~

Ashpaw dodges Hawkflight's paw and hits his nose. Ashpaw rushes forward and slams his paw on Hawkflight's forehead.

"Nice, but you got too reckless." Hawkflight praised him.

Says you. Ashpaw growls. He lunges over Hawkflight and unconsciously sinks his claws on his back and uses his growing size to topple Hawkflight over. The dark ginger tom sputters and gets back in his paws while Ashpaw shakes his fur.

"Why'd you stop? It was getting good!" Ashpaw exclaims.

Hawkflight narrows his eyes. "I told you to keep your claws sheathed. Plus you're too brazen, you can get yourself killed in a battle."

Ashpaw wanted to tell him how wrong he is when he clamps his mouth shut.

If I die again, there's no way to get back here. Fine. I'll abide by this one's rules.

Ashpaw dips his head, and Hawkflight takes it as a sign of discipline.

Ashpaw follows Hawkflight to camp. He immediately sees Brightflower with an eagle in her jaws and padding toward the medicine cat den, ignoring the sneers that were sent her way.

Two weeks since the fox incident and Mintpelt is still unconscious. Every tom blamed Brightflower for it, but because of Brackenstar's warning, no one tries to start anything with her. The silver tabby often hunts for herself and goes straight to Mintpelt while helping Hazelheart and Softdawn.

Ashpaw goes to the fresh kill pile near the heather bush and hears voices. Usually he stays out of idle gossip here and his previous life, but his inner youthful curiosity leads him to listen in.

"Kits? Are you sure?"

"Let's see, I get sick with every bite, my paws feel swollen and I just bit Twistedfoot's front paw for brushing against me."

"Kits…"

Silence, and Ashpaw slowly turns to try and see what it happening.

"Look. I'm not telling you to force you into being a father - thanks to me you probably don't want any - I just thought you needed to know before cats start talking like they did with her."

"No, no. I-I'm glad, it's just a big surprise. Listen, you're not forcing me into anything, I want to be there for the kits."

"They won't believe us when it comes out…"

"Who cares? You saw how they treat Brightflower, they're just a bunch of rabbit-brains. WindClan is lucky to have more kits on the way."

Ashpaw flicks his ear.

There used to be more of us, but the so-called strong ones died.

"Come on, Harepaw! You can do it!" Ashpaw notices his "littermates in the middle of the camp.

Sedgepaw lifts up Harepaw's front foreleg. "Just swing your paw and really let me have it."

Harepaw takes in his breath and rushes forward, cuffing Sedgepaw's muzzle and knocking her down. The light brown tabby she-cat gets back up.

"That was awesome!"

Harepaw blinks and puffs his chest with pride. Ashpaw sneers at Harepaw's overconfidence, but something about Sedgepaw brought a longing to Ashpaw…

Lionpaw grunts when Deerpaw cuffs him across the muzzle.

"Nice screw up!" One of the apprentices jeered. Lionpaw snarls in their direction when Deerpaw grabs his attention.

"Don't pay attention to them." She said. "Just raise your paw up, and cuff me on the muzzle. Really let me have it."

Lionpaw wrinkles his nose, reluctant. He runs toward her and smacks his paw on her muzzle. The pale brown tabby she-cat rolls on the clearing and remains unresponsive.

"Deerpaw!"

Lionpaw's sister instantly jumps on her paws and beams at him with bright green eyes.

"That was awesome!" She exclaims. "Branchstar can't keep you as an apprentice when he sees that move!"

Ashpaw forgot all about his sister, Deerheart.

Well, I killed her, so that contributes to not remembering her as much.

Still, Sedgepaw triggered his memories when he and Deerheart were best friends. The fact that she looks just like his long dead sister is enough to make him nostalgic for his days before he stained his paws with blood.

"Ashpaw."

The dark grey tom just notices Hazelheart in front of him.

"Can I see your claws for a spell?"

Ashpaw unsheathed his claws, Hazelheart holds his paw and inspects his claws, she notices tufts of fur tucked between his claws.

"You can't keep treating your mentor like a tree for you to scratch on." Hazelheart scolds him. "He is training you to become a warrior, and you treat him so horribly. Just because you're angry at your parents for everything but there's no excuse for it."

Ashpaw roughly takes his paw back. Hazelheart narrows her eyes, and maintains her patience with him. "You should be careful with your temper, or it will be your downfall."

Ashpaw brushes past her without giving her a second glance.

As if I care about that lousy she-cat, and who cares about Sleetfrost? He's just speaking to us to win back Falconwing. At least Willowtail and Branchstar had the dignity to break up and never look back.

"Hawkflight, Ashpaw, I need to speak with you for a moment."

Hawkflight and his apprentice meet with Brackenstar on the slope overlooking the camp, the next day in the morning.

"I wanted to know how Ashpaw's training is going." Brackenstar said to Hawkflight.

Hawkflight says, "He is a talented fighter. His hunting could use some more work, though."

Ashpaw stops himself from giving Hawkflight a sideways glare in front of Brackenstar. The brown and white tom nods approvingly. "That's good to hear, I would like for you two to practice hunting."

I already know how to hunt!

"Also, I have decided to choose Ashpaw to go to the Gathering in four days time."

Hawkflight blinks in surprise. "Are you sure he's ready for that sort of thing?"

Stop talking - I've been to Gatherings since before your mother was expecting you!

This could be his chance to find Tigerstar and formulate a plan, and Hawkflight's interference could mess it up.

"I believe he is." Brackenstar said, making Ashpaw relieved. "Him and his littermates will go."

"May I also suggest that Brightflower can go? She's been holed up inside the medicine cat den looking after Mintpelt while nobody helps her."

Brackenstar nods. "Okay, then. Goldentail probably wouldn't leave Mintpelt until she's certain that he will wake up."

With a sigh of relief, Ashpaw follows Hawkflight to camp.

~ Hazelheart ~

She notices Softdawn looking very tired as she lays in her nest.

"Are you feeling well?" She asks the fluffy grey and white she-cat.

"Yes, I am."

Hazelheart glances at Softdawn's big stomach, and shakes her head in disappointment.

Softdawn, you poor thing. I knew I should've chased off Cricketleap when he got too close to you.

Hazelheart steps out in the night for fresh air when she catches dark grey fur in the moonlight.

"Ashpaw, what are you doing out so late?"

Ashpaw looks at her with burning, furious dark amber eyes that caught her off guard. She stares into those eyes, and she feels her heart beating against her chest.

Hazelpaw hides behind Mistyleaf as a dark gold tom looks over the WindClan merged ShadowClan warriors. The dark gold tom looks her way, his amber eyes burns into her brain and freezes her soul.

Hazelheart blinks hard, and stands over Ashpaw. "You need to go back to your nest. That's an order."

Ashpaw's eyes slowly turn to icy blue, and did as he was told. Once he returns inside the den, Hazelheart uses her self control to not break down and goes into her den where Softdawn sleeps.

Hazelheart lays on her back and stares up at the ceiling, her heart refusing to stop racing, and nightmares resurfacing.