Alex caressed Olivia's scalp with the palm of her hand as she ran the water massager up and down her girlfriend's body as she soaked in the steamy bathtub. This was one of the only actions that seemed to grant the sick woman any physical comfort. At least it kept her warm, a feat that no amount of heavy clothes could accomplish. It was something.
The blessed days of rest had passed quickly, too quickly for either woman's taste. Too soon, it was time to begin chemotherapy again and disrupt the meager happy routine they had settled into. That wasn't to say that they were unprepared. From the moment they had left the hospital for the first time, they had both known that this day would come and they hadn't wasted an hour. Olivia had done her best to gain weight and strength, eating as well as she could manage and pushing herself even when she was tired. Slowly and surely, her efforts had paid off. She was still only a shell of her former health but she was nearly unrecognizable as the woman in the hospital bed. Though she was thin, her bones no longer stood out quite so dramatically and the color had returned to her cheeks. She smiled and laughed sometimes and even her hair had started to grow back until her head had just the same texture as a peach. Alex had come to love it, smoothing her fingertips over the soft fuzz and she regretted having to lose it all over again. That said, not resuming the treatments was not an option.
For her part, Alex had also worked hard. She had supported Olivia tirelessly, comforting her through bad days and cheering every instance of improvement. Recently, she had invested in a new project. With her parents' help, Alex had endeavored to equip the apartment with every comfort and luxury that would soothe Olivia once the nausea and aches set in. For the most part, these were small items. She stocked the kitchen with stores of ginger ale, crackers, broth and every variety of soup, anything and everything that might prove palatable to an upset stomach. There were fresh sets of pajamas, blankets, movies and books to distract her from how bad she felt. Most important, to Alex at least, were her efforts in the bathroom.
Olivia loved baths. Alex wanted that pleasure to be as accessible as possible for her. She bought a pad for the bottom of the tub to protect Olivia's protruding spine and shoulder blades. Bubbles, oils and salts with calming scents lined the sink's edge and stacks of thick, Egyptian cotton towels balanced on the shelves. Best of all, Alex installed a massaging, detachable showerhead with an absurdly long hose. Maybe this would help with her girlfriend's sore joints and muscles. In any case, it couldn't hurt. None of it could. She had the money and the time and she owed Olivia two years of birthday, anniversary and Christmas presents as well as all the things she would have given her beloved woman for no special reason at all. Not that a cabinet full of soda and canned goods would make up for that, of course. It would have to do for now.
And, at the moment, since Olivia had sunk into the deep, warm water, she seemed quiet and relaxed. It was a marked change from the evening; after the treatment in the morning, they had had a few wonderful hours followed by a few more of moaning and vomiting and then, well, this tenuous calm. Alex kept quiet and almost still but for the motion of her hand with the water massager. She focused her attention completely on Olivia; she knew that, if it came, distress would be quick and most likely violent. She wanted to be ready. She also watched for signs that the bath and the massage were helping at all.
She couldn't tell. Olivia made no movement or sound. Alex just had to suppose that her quietness was a good sign. It wasn't perfect, but it was better than when she was sick or shivering. Still, Alex wished it didn't have to be like this. She missed Olivia's laughter and the deep trust they used to share. She bent down and pressed her lips to the crown of Olivia's head, savoring the warmth and the soft scent of soap. No matter how things had changed, no matter how painful they got, this was still her Olivia, the woman she had fought to return to for two years. The thought sealed her heart and resolve.
Even from her childhood, Alex had never lacked for dogged resolve. No amount of jeering from her older cousins had kept Alex out of the topmost tree branches or made her shy away from catching the slimiest frogs. The three hours she spent with her father in the emergency room with a broken arm never kept her from climbing higher the next time. It was this refusal to quit that had gotten Alex through to her career and to her relationship with her hot-headed, stubborn girlfriend. Nothing had even come easily but she had made it. She would make it through this too. Still, even in this most familiar part of herself, she could feel the change.
Most of her life, she had been Velcro. When she stuck, she stuck as long as she needed to. She had been flexible and versatile, easy to understand and simple in her aims. In Wisconsin, all of that had changed. She had become like ice. Ripped away from everything she knew and loved, she felt herself grow cold and, cornered, she grew dangerous. She hated it and she hated that, with this iciness, came brittleness. At every unexpected knock or phone call, she felt like she might have shattered. By the time Elliot had come for her, she was just a hair's breadth away from lashing out disastrously or just collapsing.
But now she was changing again. The brittle ice was melting away and leaving behind cold steel. It was a kind of strength she had never needed before. Olivia had always been the tougher one. Alex had been able to bend but everyone had a breaking point and, when Alex broke, Olivia had always been there to put her back together. Alex was beginning to understand just the type of strength that required. Now she could sense that same steely toughness hardening inside of her and sharpening into a deadly blade. She could put Olivia back together and she could destroy anyone who tried to stop her. She knew she could do it. All that was left was for Olivia to know it too. And the first step would be rebuilding their trust.
"Come on, sweetheart," Alex said softly, wishing she didn't have to rouse her tired girlfriend. Olivia looked almost peaceful but the water was getting cold and Alex couldn't bear the thought of any more shivering. Olivia spent too much time shuddering like she would never be warm again. Alex wished she could replace the chilly New York spring with the humidity and intense sunshine of some tropical island. For a brief and wonderful instant, the thought made Alex smile. She never had managed to sweep Olivia away from a tropical vacation. She would definitely have to put that on her to-do list as soon as Olivia was ready. Holding onto that lovely image, she helped Olivia stand and closed her eyes, holding out her hands to support her stepping out of the tub.
It broke her heart that Olivia no longer let her look unless it was absolutely necessary. She constantly pulled her sleeves down to her knuckles and she always covered her feet with socks or blankets. Even in the bath, when she let Alex sit with her, Olivia insisted on staying wrapped in a towel. It hurt but Alex didn't push, even when she wanted to.
Letting Olivia lean on her, Alex kept her eyes patiently closed while she handed her girlfriend her pajamas. At least, in this way, she could make Olivia feel safe and comfortable. At last, she opened her eyes and smiled. She squeezed Olivia's hand gently. She wanted to say something or do something, but nothing came to mind. Bed was the next best thing she could think of so she wrapped an arm around her girlfriend's waist and led her out of the bathroom. She wasn't tired but she could see Olivia was. And, after the years she had spent missing this, Alex wasn't about to waste a single chance to hold her sleeping lover.
Olivia sank heavily onto the bed, closing her eyes, not even bothering to pull the covers back. She struggled to drag her eyelids back up. She hated being this tired all of the time. It was like being abused all over again and she resented it. Heaving a sigh, she picked the lotion up off of the bedside table. The chemotherapy made her skin so thin and dry. Even the slightest bump or scratch resulted in a sore that took too long to heal and was, as her doctor so frequently reminded her, a potential source of infection. So she faithfully smeared the lotion onto her body every night. It was the only thing that helped and it had to get done. But she was so tired.
Turning back from her dresser, Alex caught Olivia's eyes falling closed for a second time. Alex gulped as her heart swelled with love and compassion. Olivia had been so vibrant that the sight of a bottle of lotion slowly falling from her hand as she fought to stay awake made Alex's breath catch in her throat. After all of her thoughts of strength and steel and Velcro and everything, she still couldn't keep her calm around Olivia. She ached to scoop the tired woman into her arms and keep her there forever, safe and soothed and warm. She had to grind her teeth to hold herself back; she had too much respect for Olivia to treat her like an infant. But she could still help her.
Keeping everything about herself calm and slow, Alex sank onto the bed and took Olivia's hand in her own. She made her expression as serene and gentle as she could as Olivia opened her eyes. "Here, Liv, let me," she cooed, easing the plastic bottle from her hand. For a split second she froze and had to struggle to maintain her careful gaze. Olivia tightened her grip, her eyes challenging Alex with refusal and even a little fear, before letting go and sinking exhaustedly back onto the pillow. Her eyes fluttered closed and she breathed her assent and Alex breathed with her, a sigh of relief.
Alex slid Olivia's sleeve up above her elbow and smoothed a generous amount of lotion over her skin. She poured all of her attention into the task, rubbing the rich moisturizer into every inch of exposed flesh. Slowly, as she worked, Alex felt her smile morph from shy and careful to one of genuine happiness. This was one of the first times Olivia had let herself be touched so intimately. There were times when Alex had to change bandages or help her dress but those were out of necessity. This was different and Alex treasured it as a gift. She wanted to do it right. For Olivia and for herself.