I know, I know... I'd apologize but life happens. New job, fam stuff, my birthday and USWNT won the world cup.. too much going on and I didn't want to half-ass a chapter. We are getting closer to the end.
Huge shout out to marsupial1974 - without her, this chapter would not be possible at ALL. From her musical influences to her encouragements to her holding my sanity together as she tells me I don't look good in orange... she is THE BESTEST in the whole world end of, full stop. She's been working equally as hard on her chapter even with all her life stuff. Give her some love.
I know the fandom is hella slow but it's not dead yet.
Proceed to the chapter with caution... it's a doozie... any mistakes are my own... I don't own Skins... off to see Kaya in Crawl tonight though I don't like creature movies
Chapter 36
The therapist was sitting across from Emily, watching her. The younger woman had been quiet since she'd arrived. She'd said the barest minimum in terms of small talk about the most recent events in her life. But for the last seven minutes she'd been staring out the window.
"Emily... Emily."
"Yes?" She still hadn't looked away from the window.
"You're quiet. Therapy is a dialogue. Doesn't do much good if you don't talk. What is it you're thinking?"
"Taking it all in. Nothing is ever simple is it?"
..
The doorbell rang and Effy answered it. On the other side stood James. She stared at him waiting for him to say something. She hadn't been expecting a Fitch visit. He smiled. They stared at each other another minute.
"Why aren't you home helping Cinderella?" She asked in what could have been taken as a pointed tone except there was a twinkle in her eye. She knew how much the date meant to both girls, to every one in the group.
"Oh she's better off waiting for her carriage by herself." He gave her his mischievous smile.
"Really?"
"No." He laughed. "I told her she was and then shuffled out of the flat. Then I waited around the corner of the building until Naomi showed up."
"Spying? How trusting. Thought she wouldn't show?"
"Never. That girl is all about my sister and... it's not a bad thing. You gonna invite me in or do I keep standing out here making the neighbor's tongue wag. Young stud standing here..." She rolled her eyes and turned her back on him as she went back into her living room. She left a laughing James to shut the door. "Is your worse half here or off to physical therapy?"
"He's getting dressed. Want something to drink?"
"Sure. Whatever's cold." He glanced in the direction of the bedroom but walked after Effy. He almost collided into her as she stopped, turned and looked at him.
"Why are you here?" She wasn't much on subtlety right then. While they had all bonded given the circumstances, she could sense his visit was more than casual.
"Can't a bloke come see his mates?"
"We're mates?" She paused. He smiled. He was so simple to read. There was never a true hidden agenda. "We're not that close yet."
"That's fair." He met her eyes. If he didn't know about her attraction and connection to Cook, James would have tried to kiss her. At least it was a strong impulse. She was beautiful and so in tune with her own energy. He could see why she was pure fire. "I need to have a chat with your boy."
"My boy?" Effy's face scrunched up to a mix of grimace and revolt.
"Your man?" She made a noise and walked into the kitchen with him following. "Whatever he is... I need to have a word."
"About?" She went into the fridge and grabbed a couple of bottles.
"Do I have to tell you?" He took a seat at the kitchen table.
"No." She handed over a beer. "But if you don't I might not let you out of the kitchen unharmed." He smiled while nodding. He understood her caution and the direct warning.
"I want to talk to him about Katie... about Emily." She raised an eyebrow at him and she hopped on to the kitchen counter. She gave him a look like she was taking him apart and he squirmed. "I need to..." He let out a breath and took a drink. "I just need to settle some things."
"As the male sibling marking his territory as protector? Or something else?"
"Jesus. I know Emily mentioned your all-seeing but how..." She shrugged. He took another drink and regarded her even more now. "Protector, I reckon. I know I'm younger and all but I need to say a few things."
"Say a few things about what?" Cook wheeled himself in and spoke, startling James. "Hey baby Fitch. What's 'appening?" He laughed at the reaction to his appearance.
"Jesus.. you two... like ninjas in a pod... you're bound to give someone a heart attack if you stay together." He met Cook's eyes as the older male smiled. "I need to talk to you." Cook looked Effy who gave no intimation that she knew what was happening. He looked at James.
"Go on then. What's this about?" He wheeled himself to the fridge to grab his own beer.
"You... you and my sisters."
..
"You sure it's cool enough in the car? I can turn the temp down."
"Naomi... it's fine." Emily couldn't help but beam at the nerves the blonde was exhibiting. From the moment she'd answered the door, she couldn't help but feel infinitely confident. The way Naomi had looked at her, had blushed and stammered. It was more than she could ask for, more than she thought she deserved but there it was. It wasn't an act. It wasn't that she felt pity for the younger twin. It was plain as day that the blonde was all hers. The voice of doubt in her head was silenced. She reached out and took Naomi's hand. It was warm. "Maybe we should turn the air a bit colder in here. Seems you're about to burn up." Naomi gave a small nervous laugh.
"That might help... but no promises."
..
"What about me and your sisters?" Cook wanted to feel indignant but mostly he was fighting shame. Only Naomi had called him to any real fault in all of what had happened but, in a way, he'd expected it from all of them. From the whole world. He'd been working undercover but he knew he'd made mistakes. Mistakes that had cost Emily the most.
"Have you thought about apologizing to Emily?" Cook looked at his lap. He felt more than saw Effy shift on her perch on the counter. She was glaring at James but said nothing. She couldn't protect him, not from this. No matter her instincts regarding Cook, she understood where the male Fitch was coming from. Cook's choices, his actions. Emily's actions, her acceptance of a dismal survival. Effy had thought about the circumstances and the mentality and grasped where the decisions and resignations had come from. She even understood Katie's basic, yet extremely destructive, consciousness. Understanding wasn't agreeing with. It was simply being able to view the perspective and knowing how to fight or protect against. It was part of Effy's skill set. She wasn't omniscient. But she was able to see all of the angles when it came to people. Cook finally shook his head. "Don't you think you should?"
"What am I supposed to say? Sorry I fucked up. Sorry I chose to do my job." He gritted his teeth as he spoke. "Sorry I let the monsters have at ya?"
"That's a start." James said and contemplated the bottle he was drinking from. He hadn't expected ready admittance. He'd braced himself for a reckoning but was rather glad it hadn't come to that.
"It's not enough." Cook shook his head. "Whatever my role then... whatever I say now... how can it ever be enough?"
"Don't know that it can be. But if you don't start somewhere, how will you know? She's going to therapy... she's trying really hard. Somedays, therapy hurts her more than other days. I see it. It's shit that I can't do anything... that I didn't know enough to stop Katie. But I'm doing what I can... to let her grow. Let her change into who she's meant to be."
"So why come at Cook?" Effy finally spoke. She met James' eyes. "I mean you've got your superhero cape on, splendid. Why not talk to her yourself? Why bring him into the fray? Why not let him work things out on his time, his own way?"
..
"A train? Really?" Emily was taken aback when they walked into the tube.
"I swear it's worth it." Naomi had pulled a small bag from the boot of her car when they'd parked. They hadn't ventured to a restaurant, which Emily had expected, but instead boarded a train. She refrained from asking the blonde for more information, trusting her. They arrived at their stop and Emily heard the name announced and looked at Naomi. "We're going to Kew Gardens?"
"You've already been?" While it wouldn't have been unusual for Emily to have been there as it was one of those top attractions that people wandered into, Naomi knew that the gardens themselves were only one aspect of their evening.
"No." Her eyes were taking everything in as they walked. There was a fair amount of foot traffic headed in the same direction. The stop wasn't far from the gate it seemed.
"No?" Naomi was only marginally surprised.
"No. It's not like I was out and about on my own." It sounded harsher than she meant. She saw Naomi's flinch and felt instantly badly. "I always wanted to visit. I'd read about it in a magazine."
"Well, this is even better that we get to have this as one of your firsts." They walked to the Elizabeth Gate. Naomi went to the ticket booth. "VIP reservation for Campbell, N." Emily was looking around and for a moment she felt oddly out of place, overdressed but then realized other people were equally dressed up.
"A little posh for gardens." Naomi was handed their tickets and a large parcel. "What's that?" It had the word Panzer on the side.
"Dinner. Come on you." She extended her hand for Emily to take. It wasn't empty but for a second. Their fingers finding their home in each other's grip. They walked through the gate and it was spectacular. The green all around. They were in the city but they may as well have been in a fantasy.
"This is beautiful." They walked along a path past signs for different areas within the gardens. The entrance gate they had used was only a couple of minutes walk from what looked like a stage and an area marked as reserved. Naomi led them to a spot in the reserved section of grass.
"Agreed... but it gets better. We're only seeing a little bit of it. There's a concert tonight and that's the real show."
"A concert? Here?" She looked around and thought about how surreal this was. She'd not expected this in a million years when she had brought up the idea of dating.
"Yes. A concert." The smile on Naomi's lips made Emily tremble inside. It was the purest joy she'd ever witnessed.
..
"Cause he has a part to play in her healing." James shifted in the chair. "Obviously, we all do but he was there." He pointed directly at Cook. "He knows exactly what went on then, knows what changed in Emily."
"I think we can all figure out what changed James." Effy's tone was cold. She knew what he was asking. It didn't sit well with her but was grasping the implications and the enormity of it.
"That may be. But you can't deny he was in the thick of it. That he can open certain doors or walls..."
"Opening doors? How, by bleeding for it?" The more Effy and James spoke, the more uncomfortable Cook felt.
"Not asking for a pound of flesh, Effy."
"Aren't you?" Cook said out loud.
"No. I'm asking for you to let her feel what she needs to, to let out what she needs to... She is holding back from seeing it all clearly. I want her happy, but she's not... processing it all. You need to rip that bandage off her and let the wound seep and heal. For her, as much as yourself. You don't feel the guilt the weight?"
"O'course I do. I'm not made of stone." He was wringing his clammy hands. He felt nervous, nauseous. He wanted to look at Effy, at James. See what it was they saw when they looked at him. But he couldn't bring himself to. "You think it'll really help?"
"Yes."
"What'ya reckon it'll do?"
"It will open a floodgate." James finished his beer but made no move to get up. "She won't be able to deny the hurt and anger I know she's feeling."
"You think this will solve it? That me talking to 'er... sayin' sorry will get her to... feel.."
"She's my sister. I know it will."
"I dunno I can handle that. Facing all that."
"You can." Effy said as she put her own empty bottle on the counter. She gracefully hopped off and got two more bottles.
"How are you so sure?" Cook was still wringing his hands and looking at them.
"Cause I believe in you."
..
Naomi had pulled out a blanket from the bag she'd brought and laid out an amazing meal from the hamper she'd picked up at the gate. They'd sat down as others around them did the same. The sky was losing some of its light but it only added to the sense of magic Emily kept feeling. They dug into the food and talked. Mostly about the gardens. The exhibits that Naomi had seen and ones that she hadn't. They talked about art and museums that Emily wanted to visit. At some point, lights among the trees started to come on as did the lights on the stage. Naomi packed what they hadn't consumed as their appetite for food was temporarily sated.
Their attention was drawn to a woman speaking on the stage. She welcomed everyone to a special evening. She talked about how it would be an acoustic concert and said the artist's name. Naomi looked at Emily and whispered, asking if she'd heard of her. Emily shook her head no, realizing that their bodies had moved closer to each other as the evening had gone on. Their hands touched. She felt her breath catch as Naomi whispered even closer to her ear that she thought Emily would like the singer very much. She said something about her voice but Emily could only concentrate on continuing to breathe.
Soon the music started. First a piano, then some drums. Then there was the voice. It was full and luxurious. The woman was a beautiful redhead.
"Whoa." Naomi heard Emily's quiet exclamation and was elated.
You held my hand into the darkness
I didn't care, it made me just want you more
My god, your love, it seems so harmless
I never noticed
The song went on and the rhythm was incredible it lifted her lips into a permanent smile. She almost wanted to dance to it but it would have meant moving away from the blonde and she didn't want that. She leaned into Naomi. "She's incredible."
..
James had left in a rideshare after they'd finished a good amount of beer between him and Effy. Cook had drank one but then lost the taste for it. He'd gone into the bedroom and gotten in bed when Effy went to grab a shower. She came in wearing only a towel. He smiled but it wasn't as mischievous as she was used to. She went into her closet and grabbed an oversized shirt. She slipped it over her head and hung up the wet towel on the back of his empty wheelchair.
"What's on your mind slugger?" She got into bed beside him. Her hand touching his face. Cook closed his eyes.
"I dunno if I can do it Effs."
"Sure you can." He opened his eyes and took her hand in his.
"D'ya really believe in me?"
"Yes." She played with his fingers. She was letting down what walls she normally had on default. She didn't meant to lift the walls up but it was such normal behavior that she would forget they were there. But she needed Cook to hear her, feel her.
"Why?" She shrugged her shoulders. She didn't want to give in to his maudlin tone. But she also knew he had to do this. While the conversation had gotten a little lighter between the three of them as Effy and James drank, she could feel the heaviness in Cook. It was winding itself around his entire body.
"It's a feeling Cook. I know what you're capable of and this... this is something you can do." He went to turn his head and she cupped his cheek with her other hand. "Don't. You kept yourself alive. You kept her alive."
"But it wasn't enough."
"No. It wasn't. It was in the moment but beyond that... you need to do more." She could feel him trembling like a lost scared child. The cocky boy she'd met eons ago was nowhere to be seen. Instead, she was in the presence of the man he was. Flawed, broken and healing. But real. No illusions.
"And you think this is right?" Cook could feel the dread and fear under his skin. He wanted nothing more than for Effy to tell him to not go, to not do what James had asked of him.
"Yes."
..
"Naomi... this is... I haven't any words..." It was one of the last sentiments she'd managed to articulate before another song began. It was the fourth one so far. It had a solid piano sound. It had soul.
Standing on the platform, watching you go
It's like no other pain I've ever known
To love someone so much, to have no control
You said, "I wanna see the world" and I said, "Go"
It was hypnotic. The music and the voice. She didn't know if it was only her feeling this. Being this awakened. For a second, she closed her eyes and let the lyrics wash over her. Memories of the child lost were flooding her. She could see herself, running, laughing. Her parents. Her brother. Her sister, twin. Happiness. Joy. So much. All before.
But I think I'm lost without you
I just feel crushed without you
'Cause I've been strong for so long
I never thought how much I needed you
I think I'm lost without you
Every syllable was causing a tug inside her. Her eyes opened and she would swear the world had stopped around them, people disappeared. The lights in the trees blinked in slow motion like fairies setting magic alive. She could hear the song but it was disembodied within her, all around her. It was in her skin. In her heart.
She could feel the memories coming to life with the music. How much had she lost? How much had she missed out on? She was trying to breathe through the panic and ache, the longing and yearning, the love and warmth filling her. She closed her eyes once more. She could see her parents larger than life. Her father's smile. Even her mother's withering looks were somehow causing longing. She saw her brother – his younger self full of irreverent energy. Lastly, her twin flashed in her memories. So long before the pain and suffering she inflicted.
..
Effy locked eyes with Cook as she climbed on top of him. Halfheartedly, he tried to push her off, but she wouldn't have it. She took his face in her hands and kissed his lips slowly. Then his cheeks. She pulled back enough to lock eyes. "You've made mistakes. But you're not a bad man. You have a good heart. You can help her now." She kissed him again. "You can do this." His breath was shallow and felt his body reacting. "You are strong enough to face this. You are enough." Even as he was still feeling regret and shame for what he didn't do for Emily, he couldn't help feeling what Effy was giving him. Love. Unconditional love.
"Eff..." She shushed him and continued kissing him. It was the gentlest she'd ever been. She was opening up herself in a way he'd likely never seen, never felt. She didn't know if anyone had. She was terrified but couldn't not. She needed him to see himself as she saw him, feel what she felt for him. She wanted him to latch on to that and gain what he needed to help himself and Emily to heal. A few more kisses and Cook put his arms around her. She could feel him melting into what she was offering. She let herself breathe.
..
Strangers rushing past, just tryna get home
You were the only safe haven that I've known
Hits me at full speed, feel like I can't breathe
And nobody knows this pain inside me
My world is crumbling, I should never have let you go
Emily wanted to look at Naomi. She wanted to see if the song was affecting her as much. There was a serenity to the blonde's face but it wasn't the wave of emotions that Emily felt herself. At least, it didn't look like it. She closed her eyes and heard the next set of lyrics. They painted a vivid image in brilliant color.
I think I'm lost without you
I think I'm lost, lost, lost
Ooh-way, ooh-way, ooh-way, ooh, ooh
I think I'm lost without you, you
I just feel crushed without you
And I've been strong for so long
But I never thought how much I love you
It was her. She could see young Naomi before she left, before Emily had fallen into despair. The smiles across classrooms. The silent looks. The emotions spreading through her chest was dizzying but she wanted them. She felt her hand being taken and her eyes opened to see Naomi looking at her. She mouthed if she was ok and Emily could only nod as the tears fell down her cheeks. She tilted her head into the crook of Naomi's neck, their bodies so incredibly close now. She listened to the rest of the music in the safe haven created by this perfect woman she was so madly in love with.
..
Effy and Cook kissed until their bodies gave in to the exhaustion of the day. She had rolled them on their side and watched as he curled into her. Her fingers drawing circles on his shoulder as his light snoring began. She'd thought they'd give in and have sex but it turned out they needed the intimacy kissing afforded more than a shag could render. She didn't know if he had gotten what he needed from her to do what he must but she sincerely hoped. She knew he'd absorbed enough love to sleep. She hoped for no nightmares. She was sure no one knew about those other than her. It was one of those things exposed by sharing a bed with him. She breathed his scent in and said a small prayer to the universe that they could all get through the next bit.
People think the event is what makes or breaks people. But it's not. It's only one part. It's the aftermath that cements who you will be in the future. She knew he had it in him to do what James had asked. And she hoped he could hold on to the good once he did voice things. She was scared for him but it would be far more terrifying if he didn't step up. It took another hour for her to drift off.
..
Naomi couldn't have picked a better evening. Everything had gone better than she'd thought. From the train ride and concert surprise, to the venue, to the food. She'd heard of Freya Ridings through a friend at work and had loved her voice. The more she'd heard, the more she was convinced Emily would like her. She'd found out about the concert by happenstance. She knew Freya had performed at Glastonbury a little while back but to have her in London and in the Gardens was too good to pass up. She hadn't been disappointed at the look on Emily's face once the music began.
She had meant to listen to the concert but was mesmerized as Emily reacted to the sounds. She was witnessing something intimate, something powerful. She tried keeping her eyes forward, didn't want to seem a creep by purely staring. Thankfully Emily kept closing her eyes and that made it easier. When she saw tears in her eyes, she was concerned it had been too much. She'd scooted closer and was reassured all was well. Her arm wound around the smaller woman's shoulders. She could feel her breath against her neck. The moisture from the falling tears. She prayed Emily couldn't feel the pounding of her heart.
The rest of the night melted into memory as the concert ended a few songs later. They remained sitting on the blanket until an usher mentioned they would be closing soon. Neither spoke much on the way home. But their hands stayed in each other's the entire trip. Even as Naomi parked and they made their way into Emily and James' flat, they remained in contact. As they lay in Emily's bed, they kissed but it didn't lead to anything more than sleep. Emily couldn't remember a better night's sleep in ages.
..
A couple of days later, Emily had been writing in her journal, part of her therapy. When the therapist suggested it, she thought it childish, something a lovelorn teen might do, but it had been helping. She'd been putting down thoughts, feelings, dreams and nightmares. At first she'd been embarrassed. The what if questions popping up nonstop. What if someone reads it? What if that person thinks she's insane? What if that person was Naomi? More than once she'd thrown the book against the wall. The first time she had been by herself in the flat. The second time the thud caused James to knock on her door and ask if she was alright. After that, he'd learned to ignore the thud. There was a knock on her bedroom door and Emily looked up from the journal. "Come in." The door opened and Cook stood there with a smile on his face and a walker in front of him. "Cook!" She jumped from the bed and stopped short of pouncing on him. He laughed.
"Careful Red you might put me back in traction with all that excitement." She smiled at him and made gestures at him just standing there. "Yeah I wanted to surprise you. My pt guy said I could upgrade from the wheels. Still a ways to go but I'm getting there." She helped him into the room, making way for him to sit on the bed. He nodded at the journal. "Bestseller?"
"Not bloody likely. It's for my own therapy." She pushed it aside not that he would ever invade her privacy.
"How's 'at going?" He looked at his hands on his lap and avoided eye contact. She didn't notice as her own eyes were on the closed book. He could hear Effy's encouragement to be brave.
"Good... good as.. Seems I'm also on the road of getting there. Good days, bad days. But apparently I'm on the mend."
"That's good... real good." He looked at her but glanced away when she looked at him.
"What was that?" She finally noticed the edge to him. His posture was off.
"What?" His piss poor attempt at deflection made his inner voice groan.
"The look... you're not looking at me... what's going on? Did the doctor say something?" She moved closer to him. "Tell me it's not bad news..."
"What kind'a bad news could I have lil'one? I'm walkin' ain't I?" He shrugged and tried to will away his fear. He knew if she stared too long, she would see him trembling.
"You're acting dodgy. What's the matter?" She cast a look at her mobile wondering if she shouldn't call Effy and see what was going on.
"Nothing's the matter..." She was searching his face. He took her hand. "Honest. It's just... I've got something ta say and it ain't easy but it's not bad news ok? I promise."
"Out with it then. If it's not bad news then best get on with it." She gave him a smile and squeezed the clammy hand holding hers.
"I'm sorry." He whispered it. Had there been other noise in the room she wouldn't have heard. But she did hear. It simply baffled her.
"What?" He cleared his throat and repeated it.
"I'm sorry Ems..."
"What are you apologizing for?" She looked down and shook her head. A feeling of foreboding dread was creeping up on her.
"For everything. I should'a... I should'a done something to get you away from them. And I didn't... I let it go on..." She pulled her hand back.
"Don't Cook." Emily didn't want him to speak, didn't want him there.
"I hafta don't I? Otherwise... you're going to fill that book with half truths." His voice sounded a mix of anger and sadness and she had to look at him then.
"You don't know what I've written." Her own voice – a sharpness to it – accusatory.
"Not entirely... but I know it's clean... it's not the dirty stuff crawling through your bonce." She stood from the bed.
"Stop it." Emily crossed her arms and hugged herself. A feeble protection against what he was doing. He shook his head. "Why? Why are you doing this Cookie?" The image of the other night in the gardens was rushing to and away from her like waves from a turbulent sea. "I don't want to talk about this."
"So when do we talk? We wait til when?" He stood up. He couldn't remain seated. In fact, he wanted to run. But that voice that believed in him was keeping him steady.
"Why do we have to talk about this at all?" Emily spoke and her voice was small.
"Cause you hafta heal. Same as me."
"Same as you? Cook... you got worked over within an inch of your life. You're just walking again. I don't have any..."
"Broken bones? No. But you're plenty hurt. Plenty broken bits in yer head floating about."
"Even if..." She turned away from him. A cold chill running up her back. "You didn't do anything to me Cook. You don't need to apologize."
"I didn't do anything?" He scoffed. "A saint I was then. Fuck's sake Emily. I let them at you, didn't I? I didn't stop them." He could hear the anger in his voice but it wasn't towards her. It was at his inaction. If he had done something then, both of them would be whole.
"Cause you could have stopped them all on your own? You know what they were like. They'd have..."
"Aye, I know full well what those cunts were like. Luke more than anyone. Nothing he could have done ta me would have been worse."
"That's not true." She made a move to walk out of the room. "I can't listen to this."
"Don't make me chase you Red. You and I know I wouldn't catch you. Not right now." The pain of what he was saying
"That's the point ain't it. I leave and you can't say..."
"I won't come back." His gut tightened at the words. He knew this would be hard on both of them. Effy and he had talked about it, about what he might have to say, do. Talking about it hadn't been easy. But in the here and now, it was even harder.
"What?" The hollowness to her voice was like a knife through his chest.
"You heard me. You run away from what I'm saying and I won't come back... I'll wheel my sorry arse out o'this flat and not return... not to you. Not to anyone. I'll walk away from it all. From you. From Eff." He was thankful his voice didn't betray his emotions. It sounded harsh even to him.
"You can't." She hesitated. The look about him was much too serious. "You wouldn't..."
"I can and I will. If it makes you take a long 'ard look at what 'appened, what I did and didn't do."
"You didn't do anything to me!" Closing the distance between them, she yelled over his voice. She wanted him to shut up. More emotions crashed inside her. The music from the other night echoing in her mind.
"Maybe it'll be worth it, losing all o'you. If it's what I have to do to get you to open up to everything that happened. Not letting the wound scab over with an infection just under the skin." He kept talking.
"Why? What good is that? They're... gone."
"It's good cause It means you actually get to live Ems. You get to bring every shit they did to light. Instead o'pretending..."
"You think I'm pretending?" She could feel the anger really pushing against her skin.
"Ain't ya? This new you... dating thing like you're getting a do over. Like you're back in college and everything is magically perfect."
"Fuck you Cook. Fuck you if you think that's what this is." Hot tears fell as her anger boiled. She couldn't understand why he was still talking, why he needed to dredge things up like this. Why couldn't he just be happy for her? His hands were in his pockets as he stood before her.
"Living with the little brother... dating the blonde. 'appily ever after." He shrugged his shoulders. "Like nothin' bad ever 'appened."
"Don't..." In that moment, she felt queasy with anger and fear.
"Aww c'me on Red. Tell ol'Cookie how life is now. Tell him how perfect..."
"Fuck off. Get out." She struck his chest. Her own tightening. The room getting warmer. He grabbed her wrists.
"Tell me how nice it is... going to bed in yer own room... safe and snug under the covers..."
"Stop this."
"Stop what?" His grip on her wrists wasn't hard but it might as well have been a vise. "You said I didn't do anything to you. It's not true, is it?"
"Cookie..." She choked on his name. Those waves were coming faster at her now. The music was deafening.
"You remember what it was like, don't ya? Being in their grip, under their rule. Your sister using you for bait."
"Please... Cook..." As he spoke, memories – flashes – were there. She remembered. Not that she could forget but it was clear as day. The ache. The shame.
"Luke... shaping your sister's anger... bot'o'them tormenting you. But Cookie's no angel." She met his eyes then. She searched for reasons to do this, to say all of this.
"Don't." Emily urged him. He was seeing her but hearing his own memories.
"I'm not free from blame. There's right and wrong." He shook his head. "I let the wrong things 'appen yeah?"
"You were... you were undercover..." She said feebly. She needed to get out of here. She tried to get free of him but he wouldn't budge.
"You didn't know that then, did ya? Anyways, that's not what being an officer should be. I let Harry... Let him tell me what to ignore. You were a kid. I should've stood up to him. I should have gotten you far from Luke and Katie." Emily could hear a low growl and didn't realize it was coming from her. "But I didn't. Everything happened to you is as much my fault as theirs. It is. I know you want me make me into one of the good guys.."
"Stop it!. Fucking stop it Cook!" She screamed at him. She didn't recognize her own voice. "You protected me." Images of Cook driving her to and from appointments. The look in his eyes every time. He'd been angry, sad.
"I fucked you." He said it plainly. It was a shock to hear. To her. To him. She managed to yank her wrists from his hands and struck him. She hit him again and again. He barely felt it. She screamed at him as her fists pounded on his chest, his face. He didn't close his eyes. He didn't protect himself. It almost felt like the air was being poured into him with every blow. "I'm sorry. I am... if I could do it all again, I'd get you out of there."