I'm back! Things will still be a little on the crazy side until Tuesday and then things will calm down. So expect chapters to be on the shorter side until Wednesday and then should be at least a little longer than they have been.
If you've been to the DeGrassi Saviors site and seen the calendar you know that next week is a normal schedule. Then the 4th-11th is One Shot Week which is actually eight days. After that the rest of July is Short Story Month. I will be putting up August and September Calendars sometime after One Shot Week.
Also readers of dragonsprit's stories he will be updating Stairway to Paradise this weekend. See his page on the DeGrassi Saviors website for updates and news for his stories as well.
Ch. 36 Christmas Worries and Vows
(DREW)
"AAAGGGHHHH"
The hair-raising scream brings the entire house to Clare's room, the source of the scream. We all jumped out of bed, no one is dressed and Spinner throws open Clare's door. Fitz is in there with her of course, today was Christmas Eve but he still spent the whole day at our house.
"What is it? What's going on?" Spinner asks as we all run in.
Fitz has his arms around her and my sister is sitting up in the bed. She's trembling, crying and breathing hard but no attacker is in her room and she doesn't appear to be in pain.
"I'm okay," she replies timidly but her voice shakes and she won't look at any of us. "It was just a bad dream I'm sorry to wake everyone," Clare apologizes.
"You didn't sound okay," Jay yawns. He always sleeps over on Christmas Eve but we've never been awoken by Clare screaming bloody murder.
"Really I'm okay it was just a bad dream, I'm really sorry to wake everyone. You can all go back to bed I'm okay," she says again.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Adam asks but Clare shakes her head and we all go back to bed.
Bianca yawns and curls up to me. I would lie awake worried about my sister but I know she's with Fitz and he'll take good care of her. She probably wouldn't talk to me anyway. When I wake up a few hours later and it's Christmas morning I smile because my beautiful girlfriend is still in my arms. I kiss her temple before getting out of bed. I intend to use the washroom but I find the door closed and hear the shower on. I didn't think anyone else was awake so early but then Fitz comes out of Clare's room.
"Did she get back to sleep?" I inquire.
"No and she wouldn't talk about the nightmare but I'm pretty sure I know what it about, losing the people she loves. I think maybe she should be on Jay watch tomorrow. She's heard it all but she still thinks he's going to die soon. She needs to see that he's doing okay and he's trying and I think it would be good for him too."
"That's a good idea, maybe the best one I've heard in a while. We'll talk to him alone later. Is she in the shower?"
"Yeah she couldn't sleep so she got in the shower. I was going to start breakfast," Fitz tells me before walking out to the kitchen.
I knock on the door to Spinner and Paige's room, I don't hear anything so I open the door slowly and they're still asleep. So I tiptoe to their washroom to use that. Spinner wakes up when I leave the washroom.
"You know if anyone else moves in permanently we'll need to build another washroom," Spinner yawns.
"Yeah probably. Fitz and me will start breakfast."
"Good wake us when it's done," Spinner yawns rolling over and putting his arm around Paige.
I leave the bedroom and go into my room to put some pajamas on before joining Fitz in the kitchen. We make pancakes and Jay wakes up to the smell. Clare is the last one out to the living room but she is fully dressed. We all eat breakfast and wait for Johnny, Emma and Sean to do presents. Jenna, K.C. and Maya do presents with Mrs. Guthrie in the morning and then they'll come over later. Owen and Tris will be with their family all day but they were here last night for Christmas Eve. Usually Lucas is with us but he actually went to Mia's mom's house for Christmas.
When everyone is here we begin handing presents. There are too many of us to get everyone something from everyone else. None of us have that kind of extra money anyway. So everyone always puts in a couple of bucks to get people a gift from the group. You put in five bucks, it goes into a Christmas jar at our house, one for each person and you can put the cash in at any time of year as long as you get it in for each person by December first. Then sometime in the first couple of weeks of December the girls take the cash and do the shopping, they split it up of course. Of course sometimes Spinner and Paige will pick up some small stuff for Adam, Clare and I. Usually the couples will get stuff for each other too.
"Mark it's beautiful," Clare grins when she pulls the bracelet from the box. It's a present from just Fitz. "How did you afford this? Wait you didn't…"
"I didn't steal it," he assures her.
"It's perfect thank you," she grins and gives him a tender kiss. It's actually the happiest I've seen her all day.
Everyone is happy with what they got for Christmas and after cleaning up the wrapping paper we watch some Christmas movies. Emma and Paige start on dinner; the Guthrie's arrive with Jenna. When I see Jay go to the washroom I go back and wait for him to get out. Fitz already spoke with Sean, who was supposed to be on Jay watch tomorrow, and he agreed Clare should do it. Instead the Fitzgerald brothers will spend the day together tomorrow.
"Can I talk to you for a sec?" I request of Jay when he's out of the washroom.
"What's up?" Jay questions following me into Adam's room.
"Clare's on Jay watch tomorrow."
"I thought Sean was on Jay watch?"
"He was but she needs this and so do you I think. Sean's going to spend the day with Fitz tomorrow."
"So I take it you haven't told her of this plan yet?"
"No."
"Does she still think I'm going to die?"
"I think she's worried about losing any of us but since knows you have HIV it's probably most forefront in her mind. She's heard everything but she needs to see it for herself. Take her to the meeting tomorrow, talk to her, maybe it will get through and she won't do something irrational that's harmful to her. She's so afraid of losing one of us I'm afraid she's determined to be the first one of us to die."
"Yeah I heard and after that scream of hers last night something is definitely wrong. So who's going to tell her that she's spending the day with me tomorrow?"
"Fitz and I will tell her later."
"Dinner's almost ready we need to get the table set," Paige calls so Jay and I go back to the living room.
We get the table extended and set and we all sit down to eat. After dinner while people are cleaning up and getting out dessert Fitz takes Clare back to her room and I follow.
"What's going on?" Clare asks slowly looking between Fitz and I.
"You're on Jay watch tomorrow," I tell her.
"I thought Sean was on Jay watch tomorrow," she responds looking at her hands.
"Sean and I are working on my car tomorrow," Fitz informs her.
She bites her lip and her eyes dart to the side, she doesn't say anything I think she knows that she needs this.
"Come on let's go have dessert," Fitz says putting his arm around her.
We go out to the kitchen and sit down to have dessert. I sit down and kiss Bianca before taking some pie for dessert. After dessert and watching another movie Mrs. Guthrie, K.C. and Jenna go home. Jay, Sean and Emma go back to Sean and Emma's place. Johnny is staying the night again and so is Fitz and Maya is sleeping over tonight. Everyone that is sleeping here watches another movie before we go to bed. Paige has the day off tomorrow but Spin and I both have to work. When Bianca and I are in our room and ready for bed I take her in my arms and ensnare her lips for an amorous and ardent kiss.
"I know we didn't have much money for exchanging gifts this year and it's been kind of a hectic year. You know that I love you more than anything or anyone is this universe. You are the most beautiful, wonderful, incredible girl and you make me happy and confident and feel like I can do anything. If I could I would give you the world but I can't. So my gift to you this year is a vow; a vow that I will love you more and more each day. A vow that as soon as Clare and Adam are out of the house and off at great universities I will get down on my knees, confessing my love for you again and asking you to marry me. Because Bianca you are the one girl I want to spend the rest of my life with."
Bianca grins and kisses me again with fierce passion, "I love you Drew Torres."
(JAY)
My doorbell rings and I open it allowing Clare in and waving to Fitz who dropped her off. She comes in, gives me a quick and small smile then looks back at her hands. I lock the door while Clare walks to the kitchen leaning on the counter.
"Should I make you breakfast or something?" She asks still looking at her hands.
"I'm not helpless and I was already making breakfast, you hungry?" I question and she nods. "Come on you can make the eggs," I tell her going back into the kitchen.
Clare comes with me and starts making the eggs. While I finish cooking she sets the table for us. She sits down looking at her plate and begins eating slowly.
"So how are you feeling?" She asks.
"I could ask you the same," I reply and now she looks up at me. It's the first time since she heard about my diagnosis that I believe she's looked me in the eye since hearing about my diagnosis. "I heard that you've been doing your best to be reckless lately. Trying to kill yourself before the rest of us can die?"
"No," she says slowly and then bites her lip and tears start to fall from her eyes. She sets down her fork and begins sobbing hard. I set down my fork and go over kneeling next to her. She turns to me putting her arms around my neck and holds tightly sobbing on my shoulder. I hug her tightly and rub her back letting her cry until she's ready to talk. "You can't die I can't lose you too, I can't lose anyone else."
"Clare look at me," I command her gently and after a few seconds she slows her sobbing and wipes her tears away to look at me. "I'm not going to die, not today or tomorrow, at least not from this. I can't promise I won't get hit by a bus or something, no one can but we don't live our lives in fear of doing anything because it might kill us. I'm scared too but I'm doing all I can to take control, I'm taking better care of myself, I'm eating better and I'm trying to stay positive but it's hard to do when you won't even look at me because you're afraid I'm going to die."
"I'm sorry but Zig was killed for no reason and then you're not just diagnosed with HIV but you tried to kill yourself and I can't look at you because I'm afraid you're going to die. It's almost all I can think about now."
"But you need to stop. It was all I could think about at first too but I learned in group that there is hope and if all I can think about is dying then the disease has already won. I can live a long life, I can do most everything I did before but not if I give up and give in. I didn't want to go to group at first but it actually helps to hear that people have been living with this. Believe it or not it actually helps to hear about the bad too, most of it is stuff I've felt or gone through or worried about too. There's a group in a few hours will you come with me?"
"Yeah I guess so," she nods slowly.
"Good now you should finish eating," I tell her kissing her forehead as I stand back up.
We finish breakfast and clean up, she's still reluctant to talk so we watch TV after breakfast and then we leave for group. I drive since I know where it is and Clare hesitates to get out of the car when I park but she eventually does. She walks very close to me as we enter the building and looks rather nervous to be here.
"Everyone this is Clare another of my friends," I introduce her when we come in.
"Welcome Clare I'm Dennis, I run the group," Dennis says.
"Hi," she replies nervously.
"Come one there's coffee and donuts over here if you're hungry," I tell her taking her to the back.
We each get some coffee and a donut before sitting down Dennis begins the group and everyone introduces themselves for Clare's benefit. The group's already met Sean, Spin, Emma and Paige.
"Who would like to start tonight?" Dennis comments.
"I will," I speak up. "I've been coping with this for over a month a now and been back to work for a little over a week. I admit there's been a lot of low points, mostly low points. The first batch of medications made me feel incredibly ill. Even these ones make me dizzy and nauseous a lot of the time. But in all of that two things have kept me going. The support of my friends who are my family, and this group. It sucks right now and I don't know how long it will take but hearing from most of you I know things can get better. Holding onto that thought, holding onto the thought that one day I might find love, have a family, that I can still do everything I've always wanted to do it keep me going even when I feel terrible. I know my friends worry about me," I comment looking at Clare, "but I'm doing okay. Every day I get a little piece of my old life back and every day I get a little stronger and a little more hope."
Other people start talking now, some sharing that they're in the same place I am and other people that have been living with it longer share how well they're doing now. By the time we leave I can see that Clare's a little lighter, the group seems to have eased her worries and fears at least a little.
"So still worried that this disease will get the better of me?" I question as we walk back to my car.
"Well I can't promise that I'm not going to worry about you still but I do feel a little bit better. Hearing that some people have been living with it for so long and have happy lives was good. Mostly seeing that they looked strong and healthy. I was honestly kind of expecting a room full of sickly looking people," she admits. We're in my car now but I haven't started it up yet and I turn as much as I can to face her.
"So was I when I first came. Look I know you don't want to lose anyone else or live through anyone else you love dying, but you have to realize we feel the same about you. When you're reckless, when you do things you know can hurt you it hurts us and it scares us. You know how loved you are and how much we care about you. We can't lose you either. So just promise me that you'll think about everyone that loves you the next time you think about doing something that could hurt you."
She rolls her lip between her teeth for a second before she releases a sigh, "I promise."
"Good," I smile as I start the car, "now let's go get some lunch."
The update next Saturday will begin with school resuming and the arrival of the Ice Hounds.