Chapter 34

It's been five days since I last had breakfast with Clint, so the impromptu sleepover was perfect. Clint is obviously excited to eat breakfast with me too. He has everything ready for me when I come downstairs. I smile brightly, taking my seat next to Clint to have our favorite breakfast together. Laura smiles, seeing us together and seeing me smiling again. We eat and talk, laughing at some of the kids' stories.

Lila gets up from the table and grabs my hand, pleading with me, "Come play with me." She reminds me of Lizzy but there is a mix of sadness with the happiness that Lila brings.

I look over at Steve who nods giving me permission. So, I follow Lila to her bedroom where she shows me her favorite toys, again. "Want to color with me?"

"Yeah, sure."

Lila sets up her crayons and paper between us on the floor, each grabbing a piece of paper and picking a crayon. A few minutes later, Steve comes in to check on me.

"Hey, Lila, will you go ask your dad to come here?" Steve calmly asks trying not to alarm the young child.

When Lila leaves, Steve closes the door. "You ok, kiddo?"

I nod.

"Show me your picture," I comply without talking.

Steve sits down on the floor and directs me to sit with him. Before long, Clint comes in the room and closes the door behind him, then sits on the floor near us.

"Can you tell me about your picture?" Steve asks.

I shake my head, not able to talk.

Steve moves on, handing the picture to Clint, bringing me into a restraining hug. "You're safe. Everything's ok now." I am non-responsive, lost in my memory, the presence of Clint and Steve feels more like the dream.

Clint puts his hands on either side of my face, "Jamie. Jamie. You have to fight this. Come on."

Fight this. How?

"Jamie, you are with Steve and me at my house. You just ate Cinnamon Toast Crunch with me. You are safe Jamie, you are safe, here with us. No one can hurt you."

Safe…Clint's house…Cinnamon Toast Crunch…That's right, I'm with Steve and Clint.

I feel myself starting to come back, adjusting my eyes. Clint realizes that I'm looking at him. "She's coming out of it," Clint says to Steve, then kisses my forehead and smiles at me, with a hint of concern in his eyes.

"Are you alright?" Clint asks.

I nod.

Steve starts to loosen his hold, slowly, taking his lead from me. I stay in Steve's arms for a little while after he has ended the restraint, not ready to venture away from the comfort. Steve decides not to ask about my picture again, Clint understands so he folds it up and puts it away in his pocket for now.

"Are you ready to go home now?" Steve asks me.

I nod.

We exit the house, pausing on the porch to say goodbye. The kids say goodbye first then run off to play. Then, Laura pulls me into a protective, comforting hug, "I'm so happy you came to visit, I hope we have lots of opportunities to hang out again."

I nod timidly, knowing that I just messed up again.

"Hey, you didn't do anything wrong, really," Laura says, adjusting so she can look at my eyes. "We want you to come back, real soon." Laura hugs me tighter. I feel her wanting me to believe her. I respond, hugging tight too, a few tears threatening but I manage to keep them at bay.

Next, Clint pulls me into a hug, "I'll see you tomorrow morning for breakfast, ok?"

I nod.

Steve thanks them, "Thank you, Laura. Clint, see you tomorrow. Jamie, you ready?"

I nod, then follow Steve to the jet, silently wishing he doesn't try to make me talk on the way home. Once onboard, I take a seat, curling up my legs. Steve notices but decides to redirect my attention instead of making me talk about stuff.

"Hey look, you can see New York City from here."

I sigh, but allow Steve to distract me. It is pretty cool seeing the tall buildings. My eyes drift to the sky, the clouds, the blue background. The trip seems so much shorter this time. We arrive back at the compound, thankfully, without talking about anything.

Carrying my backpack, I head inside to the living quarters, going directly to my room. I hear Nat, Tony and Bruce say hi but I just walk past them, not wanting to deal with any of this, or anyone. Feeling especially vulnerable, I curl up on my bed wanting to be left alone. I can hear them talking about me; I cover up my ears. I don't want to hear about how I messed things up. After a few minutes, I don't hear them talking anymore but I know there's no way they are just going to let me stay in my room. Timidly, I look up and see Nat, Tony, Bruce and Steve watching me. I growl.

"It's time to talk," Steve says.

"No. Please, just go away. Please. Please, not right now." I feel panic brewing. "I can't do this now."

Steve sits on my bed. "Let me help."

"No!" I scream. "Leave. Me. Alone." I try to push Steve away, starting to cry.

"Come on, let's go to the couch," Steve says.

Nat comes a few steps closer, I freak, kicking and swinging my arms around to prevent them from making me go with them. Steve and Nat swoop in, each taking an arm, holding me by my biceps and wrists then walking me to the living room and setting me on the middle seat of the couch. I'm crying, frantic to avoid this talk. As soon as they let go of my arms, I try to jump up but they catch me before I make any progress. I start to kick again but Tony and Bruce block my legs.

"Please, I don't want to do this right now. Please. Let me calm down first. Please, please," I beg. They look at each other, trying to decide how to proceed.

Steve starts, "We can snuggle for a while first but you can't leave the couch, ok?"

I nod, breathing heavy. Steve and Nat let go. I lean into Steve, allowing him to hold me. His efforts help me to calm down, I feel my body start to relax and my crying slows.

After several minutes, Steve asks, "Ready?"

I nod then reposition myself so I'm sitting upright.

Steve begins, "So, it was a pretty good weekend, right?"

I nod, "Except when I lost it."

"Tony, Bruce and Nat already know what happened when you were with Laura and when you were with Lila."

I nod acknowledging that I understand.

"So, you were already upset about the yardstick when you drew the picture of the boy."

I tense then begin to squirm in my seat feeling uncomfortable talking about what happened, it's still so fresh in my mind. I flinch thinking about the boy and the security guard.

Steve recognizes what's going on in my head. "I would like to wait until Jen is here to talk about the picture."

I'm not sure if that makes me feel better because I don't have to talk about it now or worse because Steve wants to talk about it with Jen. I'm still not sure if I'm willing to trust her.

Steve continues, "I would like to talk about how you felt when we were leaving Clint's house."

"I don't know, sad, I guess."

"Why were you sad?" Steve asks.

"We were leaving so, ya know, of course I was sad."

Steve isn't buying it, "The issue with the yardstick, we got you calmed down and spent extra time snuggling. You seemed to recover after that."

I nod, agreeing with him, still flinching when he says that word.

"Then the next day you were coloring with Lila and drew a picture from the abuse."

I flinch again. This is really hard to hear.

"You haven't really recovered since then."

I nod.

"Are you upset about struggling while at Clint's house?"

I nod.

"What made the second one harder than the first?"

"Lila"

"Right, you were with Lila. What about that bothered you?"

"I freaked out around her." I explain, shouldn't that be obvious. "I don't want to be around them alone again, the kids, I don't want to upset them."

"Ok, we can arrange that," Steve says.

I nod. I don't want to talk more than I have to.

Steve takes a new track, "You know that Laura and Clint aren't mad about that right?"

"They should be," I rebut. "They should hate me!" I seethe full of hatred for myself.

"Why do you think that?" Nat presses.

"Your question doesn't make sense," I argue feeling angry.

"I don't think so, I think it's the perfect question," Steve rebuts.

"What would've happened if Lila saw what I drew? Don't you think she would have been upset? I didn't even realize what I was doing."

"I don't know if it would have made much sense to her but even if it did her parents would have worked through that with her," Tony refutes gently.

"I'm not going to be the cause of upsetting her."

"Jamie…"

"Why are we still talking about this, I'm not going to magically change my mind because I'm sitting on this stupid couch?" I interrupt, irritated with this entire conversation.

Bruce interjects, "Let's go back, did you say you didn't realize what you were drawing?"

"Yes, I didn't realize what happened until after Steve came into the room. I barely remember drawing it. I remember thinking about it but not drawing it."

Bruce looks at Tony first, then at Steve and Nat. "I think we should run some tests just to be sure."

"Be sure of what?" I demand then understanding dawns on me, "Do you think Cross…" I ask on full alert.

"Jamie, it's really just to double check. We don't want to miss something," Steve consoles me.

I look at Bruce who then looks away. Now, I am panicking. "Bruce, what do you think? Bruce!"

Bruce puts his hands up, refusing to talk.

"How could that happen?" I ask, rhetorically.

"We don't know yet that anything has happened," Steve tries to calm me before moving forward with the plan. "Bruce, let's go ahead and run the tests now. Then, we will know what we are dealing with."

I growl but comply. Bruce, Steve and I walk to Bruce's lab. It feels like I'm on my way to get terrible news, my anxiety is high. Wrapping my arms around my middle does little to alleviate the chill that this news has brought.

The first thing I see is the dreaded chair with its straps, that feeling is especially ominous today. Steve helps me get into the chair and begins to tighten the straps on my arms. Panic overtakes me. "Stop! Stop!" Steve immediately unlatches the strap and I jump out of the chair, quickly backing away, feeling the fight or flight response kicking in. When my retreat is blocked by a large lab table, I drop to the ground with my legs curled up in front of me, wrapping my arms around my legs to help control my shaking body. Steve and Bruce get low to the ground to appear less intimidating.

"Jamie, you're ok," Steve says, unsure of what happened.

"What are you afraid of?" Bruce asks softly.

I shake my head, unable to talk and having trouble controlling my breathing.

Bruce decides to try yes/no questions, "Are you afraid of the test?"

I shake my head.

"Are you afraid of the chair?"

I nod.

"The straps?"

I nod.

"Would you like to do the test lying down on the cot again?"

I nod.

"Ok, I'll set that up. Do you want Steve to hold you to help you calm down?"

I nod.

Steve immediately comes over to me, wrapping his arms around me. My body starts to react, slowly coming back down from the panic attack. By the time Bruce is ready, I have calmed down enough to be able to respond.

"Are you feeling better?"

I nod.

"Ok, I have the cot set up by the machine. Are you ready for the tests?"

"Yeah, I think so," I say, weary of another try. "Can you stay with me Steve?"

"Yeah, I'll stay right here until you wake up, then we will walk back together."

"Ok Bruce, I'm ready."

Bruce attaches the machine to the device in my forehead.

"Ow!" I complain but the pain is manageable.

The machine starts to beep, then I'm out.

I wake up some time later still lying on the cot with Steve sitting next to me with a warm smile. "Welcome back."

"What did the test show?" I ask immediately, desperate to know if Cross is involved.

Steve hesitates.

Ugh, I think then redirect my question, "Bruce?"

Bruce sighs, "Yes, there has been some interference but it's unusual. I think it may have been planted when Cross took you."

"Can you get rid of it?"

"It looks more like a sensitivity. It's not really something to remove. I will explore different options and let you know what I find. Sound good?" Bruce tries to end on a positive note, I guess that counts.

I nod, suddenly exhausted. "Can we go back now?"

Steve looks at Bruce for guidance. "Yes, but stay close because her legs will be weak."

"Oh, the joys of Bruce's tests," I say sarcastically.

Bruce gives me a funny look, part smile, part faking hurt feelings. "You don't like my tests?" Bruce gives it right back.

I smile.

Nat looks at Steve for an update which he readily supplies. I wait at the kitchen table with my head down, feeling tired following the test and a little hungry. Without warning, a sharp pain shoots through my forehead, my muffled cry alerting Steve, Nat and Tony that something is wrong. Right before I lose consciousness, I notice blood coming from my nose and a weird taste in my mouth.